I’m reviewing:Mysterious Island
Written by:Ghost
 My only hope is that this review teaches me something about the writer, helps the writer to improve, helps me to improve my own writing and encourages others to read the piece and give their valuable input.
 NARRATIVE-
 Exposition- I had an issue with the information that was given in this story. I felt that much of it was not clear or easy to understand. You gave a lot of information that I felt wasn't actually needed to help progress the story. The information that you gave was also presented in a random way. You could have told a lot of it in just a few paragraphs. The information about the spirit world, Drakon and the evil dragon seems to ramble on and really gives little to the story. You could have shortened this all up with a simple:
"Azarmai noticed that she could still affect the outside world with her magic and that she was capable of capturing the magic that lived deep down in the spirit of the earth. This spirit magic left to the world when Drakon, an evil being tried to capture it and forced it to destroy him, now lived in the planet and was for Azarmai use."
That section gives pretty much the same info but cuts out all the fine details that you gave. I only suggest this due to the fact that we never hear about Drakon nor do we ever hear about Krinrad. It would be very simple to say that Krinrad simply put tried to destroy the earth and it's beings and therefore had all dragons banished into portals.
The issue of randomness of the paragraphs seemed to affect me greatly. One second we are talking about the witch, the next second we are talking about a spirit, the next it was drakon and then krinrad. When you wrote about them you did not connect them in any way to the original character who seemed to be the witch-Azarmai. For paragraphs I sat wondering why I was being given all this information. Your paragraphs also don't flow together and aren't clear and easy to understand. Example:
"
Manarue Island is in the middle of the ocean of this magical world She was put here in hopes that should never hurt anyone ever again. All that was around Manarue Island was miles and miles of ocean."
You start by talking about her devising her plan over the years which makes since because you ended the last paragraph with her trying to escape but biding time. You then go on about her power and then how she would use them. But then you go on to talk about the Island. This doesn't belong, you told us about the island before and how she was put there due to her evil ways. It's an island, it would be surrounded by ocean so that part is just repetitive. You start the next paragraph talking about the world and it's magic. Yet you left the paragraph before talking about an island surrounded by water. These paragraphs don't flow. When you start a paragraph about something, the whole paragraph should be about that subject. The last line should start the reader up on the next paragraph. Example:
"This witch, called Azarmai, had devised a plan over the years. Some years ago Azarmai noticed she could still affect the outside world with her magic. So she devised a plan to use incredibly powerful disasters and destroy the world and the time she would do this was now. She would do this by using the worlds magic and she would do it all without leaving Manarue Island.
Manarue Island held deep inside of it the earths magic. The entire world was filled with magic; some creatures even needed it to survive as well as all plants. These mystical and magical creatures would use it, live in it, and breath it every day. Even the world that these creatures live on needed this magic to survive. This magic was the mystical energy of the planet, it's spirit.
This "spirit" seemed to be the worlds spirit..."
I've taken pieces of your work of course and add sections of my own. It's not 100% perfect but I wanted you to have an understanding of what I meant.
I feel that clearing up the exposition of this piece would help out greatly.
Complication- You brought the catalyst of the story out quickly and made it very clear that Azarmai the witch was bent on destroying the world with her power and the power of the world. It was at times confusing to get the information about how this would be done but I did catch on to it and think that you bringing it out right away made the complication of the story very clear.
Climax-The turning point in the story came at the right time but I feel that you didn't give enough detail to characters and the whole ordeal to make me feel as if this was a major issue. It fell short and ended up being a "Ok the witch is taking over, time to kill her." section. I think that by adding more to the setting, characters and connecting the readers to the story will allow the climax to be something that just has the reader on the edge of their seat. As is though, it is a climax, it does come at the point that I expected it to come at and it did lead to the characters resolution, just needs a little bit of work.
Resolution-The events that lead to the end of the story were somewhat clear. You did have the dragon trace his steps back to his port and you talked about the port closing down. It was all confusing getting to the island to begin with, it was just as confusing to leave. I was lost to why the port was falling and all, shouldn't the power have returned to the world and made all right? It was clear that the connection between the two main characters was powerful and that the dragon was able to bring life back to his friend with this power and special connection. I wish you had gone into detail about how these two were powerful and why they were instead of going into all the detail about the spirit, Drakon and Kirand, these two were the main characters after all. I suggest that you clear it up by taking out unneeded information and adding details to the setting, plot and characters.
POV-
I am kinda toss on the POV that you used here. You used third person unlimited which allowed you to tell the story from all the characters view and give the reader tons of information. I just feel that you gave too much information at times and then not enough at other times. Maybe third person limited would work better and help you to give just the right amount of information to the reader. I just feel that you didn't put this POV to it's full power in the story.
CHARACTERS-
I want to talk about your characters and then give a star system for all the areas that I cover. On the terms of physical traits, you gave lots of information in this area and my only suggestion is that you show the information instead of telling it. Example:
"His wings were very small; of everything Jex's wing's had the most growing to do."-showing
His wings barely stuck over the sides of his broad shoulders and looked more like butterfly wings attached onto the back of an elephant. One day they would expand to their full size, making it hard for him to soar through the forest like he loved to do but for now he could enjoy that since his wings had lot's of growing to do. (ok i don't do punt. for a reason! lol but I hope you get the point.)
Show their physical traits instead of just saying "he was light blue, he was short, she was ugly." it will help add to the imagery of the story.
I know you were concerned with your dialogue in the story. I find that it was one of your best areas. I loved it! I think the only thing I could suggest is that you change the actions around it to make it more believable.
" "Hello? Are there any dragons left who can still fight?" With a response that startled the dragonfly Jex spoke up and said,"
I would suggest something on the terms of: "Hello? Are there any dragons left who can still fight?" said the small silver dragonfly as he zoomed around the room.
With a response that startled the dragonfly Jex spoke up and said, "I can still fight.”
I think this stops the confusion of who is doing the talking and who is doing the action and when it all happens. The words in the dialogue are believable and well done.
The actions of the characters are not shown but instead are told to the reader. I think that you can give more actions that would show why the two main characters are so close.
There are not many opinions or thoughts of the characters beside the fact that the witch must die. I think it would help to connect the two main characters if you gave the reader an inside scope of how they felt about each other. This would help with the area in which the dragonfly dies. I was unmoved by that subject due to the fact that I never knew, had any sense at all that these two were friends. There was one little hint which was were the dragonfly decided to go to the island and then they fought about it and then of course the battle and all but at the same time maybe they were fighting because the dragon thought the dragonfly would get in the way, not because he cared. Maybe the battle was simply she attacks him, I'm going to take my shot to save the world. In short there just wasn't enough in this area to point in the direction that they cared for each other at all.
I've gone over the POV but wanted to say that I think that this POV could have been used in better ways to help develop the character. You could have used it to give the opinions of each of them, to tell the reader what was happening in their heads, what their ideas were. Like I said before, I don't feel you used the POV to the best of it's advantage though I think you picked the right one for the story.
Physical traits
Dialogue
Actions
Attire
Opinions
Point of view
SETTING-
The setting was just as equally confusing as the information that you gave in the story. You described it through sight but forgot to add sounds, colors ore even texture. This caused a "show vs tell" issue. Without using the other senses within the story, you weren't able to bring this world you created to life. You need to use your words to create details that bring the reader into the world. The location of the stories actions were not all clear and the time frame seemed nonexistent. I was not sure at all if this happened in a matter of days, hours, weeks...no clue. You need to add some time to your story. Example:
"As they reached the plains the sun was beginning to set in the distance." or, Jex became sore and tired from the days travel." Remember that your setting adds important dimensions of meaning to your story. It also reflects the characters.
THEME-
I picked the theme up to be a clear cut "good vs evil" maybe you can add in the whole "Love can over come anything" theme too. You used many repeating patterns to convey the theme such as the evil of the witch, the evil of the dragon, the evil of the man and the the good of the main characters. It was clear and easy to find and was not at all preachy. This theme went well with the plot and overall I think you did a great job with it.
STYLE AND TONE-
The language within the story doesn't always seem to fit the story. Sometimes I felt that this piece was for an younger group, maybe ages 7-11 or so but then the words you used at times didn't seem to fit that age group. The actions and speech fit the age group and helped me to understand what was going on and though you used simple words, your sentences and paragraphs were very complicated and made the story at times hard to read and understand. I think that you need to read this piece out loud and see if you can find the tone and style that fits the story and way you want to tell it.
OVERALL-
Overall I think you did great on your plot and theme. I do feel that you need a bit of work with the narrative, setting, style and tone, and characters. I think that by improving those areas you will improve the issues I felt you had with the POV. I think that the plot and theme are so well done and that you can easily have a publishable story on your hands with just that alone. Polish it up, rewrite it and polish it some more and let me know, I would be more than willing to reread it and give another rating and review.
 I know it's long Ghost but I told you I would give you one of my most detailed reviews! Hope it helps! hugs!-Kat
 To all, I hope you have a great day that’s filled with tons of fun things to write, read, rate and review!-Kat
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Pluses: I think the tone of this piece works really well.
Suggestions:I fell that the rhythm and meter of this piece needed help. I also felt that the rhyme of the piece seemed forced at times.
It appeals and I agree with its message