Hello! Ann, I am Kristina and I found your story under Newest Statics.
Overall: I absolutely loved this story. I thought it was well paced and kept my interest from start to finish.
Plot: I thought was well done and easy to follow.
Style/Tone: Very well done.
Scene/Setting: It was easy for me visualize and see what was happening. I could easily see the dragon attacking the small spaceship.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: Grammar, spelling and punctuation well done. The only suggestion that I have here is that when you are dealing with numbers—write them out. Instead of a 50-foot dragon--write fifty-foot dragon. It helps the sentence flow smoother.
Characters: Maybe just a bit more of their backgrounds and their relationship and emotion.
Dialog: Very good and believable.
Suggestions: Other than what I have already give absolutely none—but to take your story to a longer version.
Please note that I am only trying to offer a readers perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help.
Hi, I loved your story. The hook was great. It drew me in right away. I loved how you ended it basically the same way that you started it and put action and emotion in between. I only saw a couple errors (grammatical) In the third paragraph and when using numerals; write them out.
HI Harry,
I enjoyed your poem about Helen Keller very much. Over the years I have heard many stories about her life and diary. I did not see any mistakes and the flow was very nice. Good work!! The subject matter was very moving.
Hi Eric,
I wanted to say that I enjoyed your prologue very much. I thought that it was very well written. I had no difficulty, feeling, seeing or hear what Alastair felt, saw and heard. Also, there were no errors that I could see. I am looking forward to reading more of this novel.
Please take what is useful to you and discard the rest:
What I Liked
Hi Nathan, I want you to know that I think you have a great premise. This story has good potential for becoming a longer version. I can see where might go and could go, which ever direction you choose.
Suggestions
However, I do have a few suggestions:
Punctuation - Make sure that your punctuation is correct. I know that can one of the most difficult tasks of writing.
For instance you wrote: "The looks delicious." I said.
write: "The meal looks delicious, honey," I said/c} When adding a dialog tag, unless it ends with a ? or a ! place a comma before the last quotation mark. The tag it self will start with a small letter unless it is a proper noun or pronoun. If I were to change I to He or say Tom, I would change I to he or Tom.
Sentence structure - Make sure that flow evenly and smoothly. Read or record your story and listen to it. Be sure the reader knows when one sentence ends and another begins. This will add more suspense.
For instance you wrote:
I reached over and grabbed the salt, as I strode back to my chair I looked at the wall and all the pictures covering it. I wasn't in any of them, I guess I always got stuck taking them, next time I'll make sure I get in it.
{c:redWrite: I reached over and grabbed the salt. (Introductory adverbial clause)As I strode back to my chair, (always use a comma) I noticed the pictures covering it. I saw I wasn't in any of them. I guess I always got stuck taking them. Next time, (introductory sentence- setting the stage so to speak)I'll make sure I get inone.
These just a couple of examples. I know of an awesome class or two that may help you. Go to {New Horizons Academy here on WDC. They a wide variety of classes. I took the Comma Sense class three times - It is awesome.
Flesh out your characters more. What does look like, is he weird looking, an alien, what kind of work does he do that was piled up in the corner, Is he a psycho, was that house that he used to live in with his girlfriend? Just some questions.
Parting Comments
Do not give up on this story, it has so much potential
I saw your poem on the HUB page and I really enjoyed reading it. I too love the cowboy life. Most favorite actor is John Wayne.
The rhyming was very good and read very smoothly. No error in punctuation or grammar that I could see.
You were successful creating visual scenes. For me it was easy to picture the open range as well as a relaxed life- However we both know ranch life is anything but easy. Country folk do have manners
Hi, I found your story in your port and I really enjoyed reading it. I like the way in which you started with her abduction, going through her thoughts and feelings ( very vivid) and then brought in just enough backstory to show some of what lead up to it. Susan is a very believable character and what she is going through works well with the background.
I only found what I am sure to be the case of the brain working faster than the fingers- I am guilty of this
The paragraph Susan racked her brain to consider, I know there's still some lingering resentment but could there anyone she who would want to harm me? I think you may have meant - could there BE... & anyone she KNEW...
Well written I really like the pace and the suspense.
Hello! James, I found your story listed under the Review Requests. I enjoyed this story very much!
Overall: I Like!!!!!! It pulled me in right away and I found myself not able to read fast enough. The title is great, that is what caught my eye. Extremely well written.
Plot: Fantastically done. It move a good pace and you kept mounting the suspense perfectly. I found myself, at one point, with my mouth open and my hand covering it.
Style/Tone: Could I ever feel the attitudes, feelings and moods. I must say that it has been a long time since I have read something that actually gave me the chills. This did
Scene/Setting: Nicely done. The characters and the setting worked well together.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: I only saw what I am sure are just typos. You wrote:...and shrugged of his jacket... (I think you meant off) an you wrote: Onlythe heavy breathing....( I think you meant Only the.....
Characters: Nicely done and believable
Dialog: Very smooth and believable
Suggestions: I only have a couple:
1) correct the typos and 2) decrease the space between your paragraphs and dialogue. You only need to double space.
3.) Make this into a novella or a novel - it would be great
Please note that I am only trying to offer a readers perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help.
Hello! Hi I found your story on the Review Request page and I enjoyed reading it very much.
Overall: Well written, smooth reading.
Plot: Loved the plot, keeps the reader wanting to know more. The ending had a mini twist and the story was resolved nicely
Style/Tone: The attitudes and moods were expressed through the characters very well. No unnecessary or overused or misused words.
Scene/Setting: Worked well with characters and very visible- easy to imagine her in the middle of winter, living alone out in the country, miles from other people
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: No errors that I saw.
Characters: Nicely developed and believable
Dialog: Very smooth and believable
Suggestions: Only one: Whose is Susan? When Bill showed up and asks where she found the skull, you wrote over there said Susan? Is she part of the eeriness?
Please note that I am only trying to offer a readers perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help.
Very good - enjoyed it very much
Write On
Kristina
Hello! Hi I found your story and really enjoyed reading it.
Overall: Very nicely done. I was hooked from the beginning
Plot: You did a nice job in building it up. It was full of suspense and humor
Style/Tone: Very good
Scene/Setting: Nice job with the description not over done and not vague
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: No errors that I could see
Characters: Very believable
Dialog: Very smooth
Suggestions: The only thing was that I felt it ended a little to abruptly. I was at a point where I was ready for something to happen. Perhaps just wind it down a little slower and lead the reader into the ending. I thought the story was really good.
Write On!!
Please note that I am only trying to offer a readers perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help.
Hello! I found your story on Review Request and absolutely loved reading it. I loved it.
Overall: Very interesting and well written. My attention was captured immediately.
Plot: Very well developed with a beginning, middle and resolution well defined. The pace was just right. Loved the ending.
Style/Tone: Very well done. The frustration, tiredness and horror experienced by Susan well described.
Scene/Setting: It was easy for me to picture the room, the furniture and imagined dimmed lighting.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None that I could see
Characters: Very good, The descriptions excellent. I loved the scene of the metamorphosis that she went through. Easy to visualize and sense the feeling being experienced.
Dialog: Very smooth
Suggestions: None except WRITE ON!!!!
Please note that I am only trying to offer a readers perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help.
Kristina
Hi, I logged in and saw your poem and really enjoyed reading it. I can really relate to what you are saying and I actually felt angry again. Recently my house was broken into and my PC was taken. The varmints left everything else including my mouse and printer. Which of course I had to replace in order to continue my writing - they even took my flash guard which had my writing on it. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Good job, I like the rhythm and your style. No errors that I could see and yes you did awaken an emotional response in me
Hello! I found your story on The Hub and I really enjoyed reading it.
Overall: Fantastic!!!!!!!!!
Plot: Magnificent, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. I was sure fooled: I thought Becky and Johnny had made up a major trick.
Style/Tone: Excellent
Scene/Setting: I loved the setting was described as Kevin moved along. It was as though you were there hanging on to his shirt and moving along with him.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None that I could see.
Characters: Excellent
Dialog: Very smooth and believable,
Suggestions: None
Please note that I am only trying to offer a readers perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help.
Hello! Hi found your story on the Newby page and enjoyed reading it very much.
Overall: I thought it to very goon and well put together. I only found 1 small glitch which I think is just a typo. It happens to me all the time. I get so caught up in what I am writing that my brain gets ahead of my fingers.
Plot: Nicely done! I was captivated through out the story waiting to see what was to come of this poor guy.
Style/Tone: Very good.
Scene/Setting: Fantastic! I felt I was on board watching this poor guy and everything being tossed around and feel the COLD ocean water. His poor face.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: The only thing I noticed was the dogs full name. Consider Sam the Salty Sea Dog.
Characters: Great I thought you did a great job through first person.
Dialog: Very smooth and I loved the humor throughout the story.
Suggestions: Just that 1 typo, other than that: None
Please note that I am only trying to offer a readers perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help.
Hello! I found your story on the Hub and I enjoyed reading it very much.
Overall: I thought it was very interesting. I really liked the title and I was captivated all the way through. I found just a few glitches that I am sure are just typos.
Plot: Nicely done I find the suspense mounting smoothly and at a good pace.
Style/Tone: The moods, attitudes and feelings are displayed nicely through the characters.
Scene/Setting: I can see the surroundings but maybe just a bit more description would help them to be more vivid. The characters and the setting work well together.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: I found just a few typos: pg. 11 ignoring= ignored, god = God, pre = pray, pg.16 seems = seams, and pg. 17 wearer = wear, arraigning = arranging,
Characters: I can see vividly Mother Superior and Kelly. I think I may be able to make assumptions about them both but what does Malcolm, Thomas and Denise look like and what are their personalities?
Dialog: Very smooth and natural.
Suggestions: Just the typos and consider on pg.1 ...the mountain which provides fresh, clean water and pg. 11 She touched the thin pillow at the top before she had the courage to so she could feel the comfort. The comfort from the bed caused her to be overcome with guilt, she jumped to her feet. Orphans weren't allowed such luxury. ( or something to that effect)
Please note that I am only trying to offer a readers perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help.
This a good. It helps an author pay attention to the trend of thinking. I like to review but I also like to get constructive criticism. This helps me to improve myself.
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