The indent feature might make for a better presentation of your work here. When you post or edit your work, there is a place just above the posting place in blue, click on it and you will find you can change the font type, size, indent, underline, italicize, etc., all of which are very useful.
Here: "to far down the path of death." "To" s/b "too."
Here: "even though she couldn't se it, she knew it was there and that it was real." You accidently left an "e" out of the word "see."
Here: "Niveus, snow, his name, it fit him so well, so perfectly. So cold." Is his last name "Snow?" If so, you don't need the comma after "Niveus" and "Snow" should begin with a capital letter.
Here: "Was their time out already?" I'm not sure "out" is the best word ---- it seems a little out of context with the other wording used throughout. You might rethink your word usage here. I would suggest maybe "Was their time over already?"
I'm cutting this short because my cable is going out...
You gave me goosebumps with this one... I'm looking forward to that day.
I found your rhythm and rhyme worked very well throughout. You remained focused with a smooth flow of words, line after line --- drawing the reader to the final, delightful line.
Here: "...like the shadows under the oak tree;" maybe remove "the" before "shadows."
Here: "As I place the wreath
upon the cold, heartless gravestone
and forcing my dejected feet
to lead me away..."
I think you missed something in editing. I believe the "and" before the word "forcing" should be removed.
I believe if you take another look and tighten this up a bit, removing unnecessary words, this piece would have greater impact.
Very nicely done. You capture the reader with your vivid descriptions.
I enjoyed your poetry here. Nice rhythm and rhyme cadence without monotony --- smooth flow throughout. You grabbed and held my attention through to the end.
"The cold, monotonous shades of blue I paint remind me that always." You need an "of" after "me," before "that always..." for clarity.
"Bombs were dropped down..." Here the word "down" is unnecessary because it is understood. "Dropped" implies down due to the laws of gravity.
Here: "Slowly, I drag my feet along the ground, barefooted." "Barefooted" should be simply "barefoot;" the "-ed" is unnecessary.
Here: "The rhythm of the dark, dazzling blue waves beckons to me..." the word "to" is unnecessary.
Here: "It is as terrified as those of a cornered rat, brimming with tears." This sentence lacks clarity, seems a little misplaced. As the reader, I wonder whose eyes?
--------------------------------
The storyline and focus of ABSTRACT BLUE is clear, captivating and easily followed. Your words flow in a soft rhythmic pattern --- gentle as a flag blowing in a soft breeze.
The ending was too abrupt and came too quickly for me. It needs a smoother transition.
Otherwise, the writing here is believable and sad. I felt your hurt, your pain --- its intensity. I found your writing focused and flowing smoothly (until the last three lines).
I believe we can all understand your feelings here. The poetry is clear and concise, and (more importantly) captivating. There was a nice rhythmic cadence.
You captured and held my attention with this light-hearted piece about death... a friendly twist on a dark subject. Your rhythm and rhyme gave a nice cadence without being overdone. "Reality" was the only thing lacking... but that was intentional.
Getting older, we have a tendency to contemplate death as we watch ourselves age and frailties increase. (A good subject for a blog, I think.)
Thank you for sharing this brush of reality... reflections of an encounter with a homeless man. Your descriptive use of words, along with realistic dialog, makes the scene quite clear---without being excessive or overly dramatic.
"But knowing I have your here, life is not so blue." "Your" s/b "you" in this line.
A very nice tribute to your patients. I wasn't so fond of the mirroring, but it's good you're venturing into different forms of poetry. I'm sure it will deepen your writing.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kimbro1958/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 4:18pm on Jul 15, 2025 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
