The ending was too abrupt and came too quickly for me. It needs a smoother transition.
Otherwise, the writing here is believable and sad. I felt your hurt, your pain --- its intensity. I found your writing focused and flowing smoothly (until the last three lines).
I believe we can all understand your feelings here. The poetry is clear and concise, and (more importantly) captivating. There was a nice rhythmic cadence.
You captured and held my attention with this light-hearted piece about death... a friendly twist on a dark subject. Your rhythm and rhyme gave a nice cadence without being overdone. "Reality" was the only thing lacking... but that was intentional.
Getting older, we have a tendency to contemplate death as we watch ourselves age and frailties increase. (A good subject for a blog, I think.)
Thank you for sharing this brush of reality... reflections of an encounter with a homeless man. Your descriptive use of words, along with realistic dialog, makes the scene quite clear---without being excessive or overly dramatic.
"But knowing I have your here, life is not so blue." "Your" s/b "you" in this line.
A very nice tribute to your patients. I wasn't so fond of the mirroring, but it's good you're venturing into different forms of poetry. I'm sure it will deepen your writing.
Your lyrics are nicely poetic, presenting a simple melodic flow. However, I read this at least three times and am still not quite sure what "no one will believe us now" is supposed to mean.
Your descriptiveness brings to motion this lively poem. The dancing is alive in the mind's eye of your reader without being excessive. Clearly, your word choice is thoughtful and refreshing.
I thoroughly enjoyed your poetry except for the last line, which I found meager in comparison with everything preceding.
I'd eliminate "and" here: "...It cries for help, and it cries for freedom."
Here, "it's" should properly be "its" --- "and somehow find it's way home." [The only proper use of "it's" (with the apostophe) is when you are combining "it is."]
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I found the substance of your poem unobtrusive and somber, as well as gentle with a melodious flow ---drawing a clear yet soft reflection, which allows the reader to empathize.
With dictionary in hand---I read this through the second time. I believe I get your drift... and am quite positive this is well-written; however, your intellect is so well above me that some of the capitalized words were beyond me. (I'd have to look each word up on-line to get the exact meaning, which seems too great an effort momentarily.) So, I must remain dissatisfied with incomplete comprehension.
"...surprise of my life, because I had..." (comma unnecessary here)
" I was able to throw up in every male stall in the building. Setting a record that can’t be beat." (Remove the period after building---s/b a comma. Also, I would say: "I THREW UP in every male stall in the building, setting a record that COULDN'T be beat." (Make sure you keep tenses consistent.)
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[It's late and I need to go to bed---work in the morning.] So far, I find your writing very logical, sequential and believable. So, I'm giving you a perfect rating. However, you need to check your tenses and grammar/sentence structure throughout.]
This piece has a very nice flow. Good word choices. Meanings were crystal clear.
It is just a little to intangible -- unreal -- which makes it difficult for the reader embrace and relate to. The subject matter was too far out there for my personal taste.
Rather than just giving a factual narrative, it would be nice if you could weave a little more creativity and fun into this piece -- to sort of give them a real taste of your talent.
Your opening needs to be something that grabs your reader and pulls him into your writing, making him/her want more.
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