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1
1
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings River Kingsley -


*Note* This is review of "Artificial Intelligence . *Note*
This review is given in the spirit of fellowship, and to help improve each other's writing.
It, by no means, is meant to cause harm by the opinions expressed there within.
Please take what you feel is constructive and discard the rest.


[ First Thoughts ]

          This is an intriguing story of artificial intelligence and the calamities of what happens if AI were to decide they wanted to be the top of the food chain. A staple of science fiction, I was excited to see your take on it, especially from a teen-aged protagonist's point-of-view. How does one cope when things quickly change from bad to worse?

[ Suggestions ]

          This section of review will focus on some suggestions on the mechanics and pacing of your story. For grammatical errors, I can send you an email with more detailed editing suggestions, if you'd like. To make things easier to read, I'll break down the review chapter by chapter.

*BulletGr* Prologue: The prologue gives the reader a decent amount of information on what is happening to protagonist's world to jump start the story as well as a bit of history of how AI were perceived before the initial event that starts the war between AI and humans. You also provide some background information on your protagonist. However, these two things are kind of jumbled together, making for a conflicting read.

Prologues, as a whole, can be tricky to maneuver. Usually they are used to relay information and/or a sequence of events crucial to the rest of the story but are not in the same timeline as where the story begins. Things to think about with the prologue -- what is essential for readers to know going into the story, and what can revealed later as the story moves forward. Depending on which path you go with your prologue, what information is key for this portion of the story? There should a balance to your reveal(s). For example, I know more about the protagonist's mother and sister than I do about the protagonist. I don't even know her name until the middle of the first chapter. And do I need to know what her mother did after her father's death? Besides being told that his death led to not having AI in their home, her mother's sense of denial and spending habits provide information I don't need as there is no tension or animosity between the protagonist and her mother as the story moves on. My suggestion would be to consider what information is a necessity and what information is simply background story.

*BulletGr* Chapter 1: The first chapter immediately jumps into action. This is definitely a decent start as it serves as a hook. One of the things I really liked were the character's thoughts added throughout the chapter. This gave a good window into who the protagonist was and what her personality is like. There were some background things that were missing that were also difficult to infer from the few textual clues that given in the prologue. For example, what kind of hometown does the protagonist live in? Is it small and rural, moderate and suburban? This matters as it gives a sense of setting for where the Pod launches took place as well as an explanation as to why the town is deserted and currently lacking in AI presence.

A structural element that you should consider when revising is dialogue cues. Every time a person speaks a piece of dialogue, no matter how small, is must become its own paragraph. By breaking with each piece of dialogue, the reader is better able to differentiate between speakers. It also helps with flow.

*BulletGr* Chapter 2: There is a better sense of the protagonist in the second chapter. There is an anticipation as the character is now thrust into a situation where they are alone, in an active war zone, trying to find a way to not only survive, but somehow get into one of the remaining Pods still on Earth, reconnecting with her family.

Wal-Mart is a good setting to transition her to, although it seems a bit strange that she was able to make it from the launch site to the Wal-Mart with little travel. However, as this is the place of her former job, it makes sense that she would feel safer there. This might be something to touch on more. There is confidence in her actions, a sense of purpose even when the magnitude of what has happened to her is setting in. Is it the familiar that's helping her function or the continuing adrenaline of the situation or habits/training she might have picked up during the uprising? Is the lack of contact with others making her anxious because she's extroverted and needs the presence of people to feel comfortable? Or is it the silence that seems to be adding extra stress? This bit of characterization would be helpful because as a reader I would like to know what keeps her going despite her constant assurance to herself that she's going to die.

*BulletGr* Chapter 3: The characterization here is a little wonky as there is contradiction between the protagonist's actions and the emotions revealed later. For example, she loads the gun without difficultly, which led me to believe she had some experience with guns, yet in the next paragraph I'm told she has none. Handling a weapon, especially for a scared and anxious person, would be a difficult thing to do without prior knowledge. It's important that the actions and emotions being portrayed are align with each other.

One of the things to examine is the technique of "show, don't tell". As previously stated, your textual clues bring forth a certain perception. Those impressions, sometimes contradictory, are then told through the protagonist's thoughts. What are some of the ways you can convey her emotions and experiences without telling them to your audience?

*BulletGr* Chapter 4: This was an intriguing chapter as it reveals more about the protagonist's new travel companion and how he came to be in the situation he is in. His story also gives background on what's happening outside of the protagonist's limited view as he is not from her hometown. This was also exciting because you bring up the beginnings of two moral dilemmas -theft amidst conflict and the workings of AI and human relationships- something that might continue as the story progresses.

The taking of the money from the cash registers brings up a fascinating conflict because it seems almost out of place. On one hand, you have the protagonist taking goods from Wal-Mart for survival, which makes logical sense. There is no longer a mechanism to pay for goods, and food and water are essential. She even encourages her new companion to do the same. However, she feels at odds taking the cash from the registers. This is a moral line she does not want to cross. It brought up an interesting facet about her character. While this might be meaningless as I'm not sure if electricity is still functioning at this point, I think it adds a nice dimension to your story. (As a side note: if electricity no longer works, the cash itself is useless as vending machines would no longer function either. This doesn't mean you need to scrap the section, but maybe rework it a little. For instance, what stops them from prying opening the vending machines as they pried open the cash registers with or without cash? Is this a facet of Latin's character?)

Another potential conflict for the future is that AI is controlling the escape Pods. You've given the audience a tidbit of Latin's weariness and mistrust of AI as well as the government. This is something that seems to be a broader sentiment as a whole. Why would they not share that AI was a crucial part of humans moving away from Earth? I look forward to see where this plot point goes.

Something you might need to clarify in this section is what Latin means by fighting. Was he part of the military or law enforcement? Or was he involved in the conflict because human forces needed people no matter their training? I bring this up because there are spots when it seems like the protagonist is guiding the older companion when it would seem that the companion has more background experience, especially having survived on the streets alone up unto the point he meets the protagonist. You also have the conflict of ages. While we have the protagonist's weariness of trusting her new companion, Latin seems to trust her completely. Does she remind him of his daughters? Is it just the relief of seeing another human after a while? Having some contextual clues here would help Latin feel more nuance as a character.


[ Conclusion ]

          The first few chapters of your story have a great deal of potential, and I enjoyed the different dilemmas you're created with what can happen in the future for the protagonist. It was a joy to read, and I can't wait to seeing where you're going to take this in the future.

         Thanks so much for sharing you creation. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work. If there is anything you need clarification on or need my assistance with, please don't hesitate to contact me. *Smile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi ruwth !

I'm reviewing this on behalf of "I Write in 2018.

You've written a non-fiction piece about your memories and emotions of Spring. The seasons are changing, and that transition is also mirrored in your writing with mention of your childhood memories in New York to your current home in Oklahoma. Having similar experiences from living in a place with no real seasons to somewhere with very distinct seasons, I appreciated this insight into your past. And like Spring, there was a soft warmth in the tone you used, which made reading your writing all the more pleasant.

Overall, I could find no grammatical errors.

You've created a lovely memory of Spring. Thank you for sharing it. I wish you all the best in the contest. *Smile*


Sincerely,
LdyPhoenix


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of It's Not Over  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Cheri Annemos !

I'm writing this review on behalf of "I Write in 2018.

You've done a great job with your flash fiction on Dennis Smith. He's an intriguing character, who obviously has many ways of persuasion. What really got about this story was his continued curiosity, perhaps even a little anger, about Constance. Was it her refusal to his advances that made him want to keep after her or was it a pathological need to win every encounter he had? It would be interesting to see where this story went if you continued it further.

I could find no grammatical errors.

This is a nifty story. I wish you luck in the contest. *Smile*


Sincerely,
LdyPhoenix


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Olympiad  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jeff !

I'm writing this review for "I Write in 2018.

This is my first encounter with a Rondelet poem. It's an interesting poem form, and I think you did a wonderful job with it, capturing the essence of the Olympics. With the games going on at the moment, it inspiring to read about them too.

I could spot no grammatical or structural errors.

Good luck! *Smile*


Sincerely,
LdyPhoenix




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Speak Up!  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Weirdone-Back in the games !

I'm writing this review for "I Write in 2018.

You've created a short story about best friends Monica and Tina, who have to deal with sexual harassment in their everyday lives. This is a difficult topic, and I think you did a great job demonstrating how prevalent it is. Consent and boundaries are necessary; Monica and Tina learn how to stick up for theirs and to respect others. In that way, you've done a decent job discussing this issue from several angles.

Listed below are a few grammatical errors I found while reading. Please take whatever you feel is valid and discard anything you don't think applies.

*BulletGr* Her best friend, Tina, liked it less, but still(,) both girls liked being out...

*BulletGr* Say, 'Mr. Greenberg(,) you touched me in a way that I kind of didn't like.'

*BulletGr* "Are you serious? Your mother would blameyou (blame you) for that?"



Good job tackling a controversial topic. I wish you the best of luck in the contest. *Smile*

Sincerely,
LdyPhoenix


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Lucy  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi The bald writer !

I'm writing you a review today for "I Write in 2018.

For the Pet News Contest, you wrote a personal essay about your family dog, Lucy. It seems like the journey to adopting her into the family as well as watching her grow was quite a ride. The examples you provided of the ups and the downs in having a pet created an evocative picture. As a reader, this glimpse into her life felt all the more real for the tidbits of stories you shared.

Listed below are a few grammatical errors I found while reading. Please take whatever you feel is valid and discard anything you don't think applies.


*BulletGR* Lucy past (passed), 2 years ago, on a warm August afternoon, on her veterinarian’s table, in Port Washington, NY.

*BulletGR* Lucy was 15(.)

*BulletGR* Lucy was born, in a Glen Cove Animal (S)shelter six weeks before joining our family.

*BulletGR* “It’s too big(,) and there are too many trees. It’s scary(.)”

*BulletGR* “I understand(,) Jason, but you can have a dog(.)”.

*BulletGR* “Can I get a dog mom(?)”

*BulletGR* “Please(,) can I get a dog mom,(;) dad promised(.)”

*BulletGR* Lucy traveled to our home, sitting on my son’s lap, next to his best friend, in the back of my Mark VIII(.)

*BulletGR* “She is friendly, smart, and very independent. Good luck(.)”

*BulletGR* Friendly(,) she was. She loved it when people came to our home. Hated it when they left. She would let us know it(,) too. Loudly.

*BulletGR* While I was talking, with the director of the facility, Lucy started to jump at the door (k)nob, wrapping her paws around the round (k)nob.

*BulletGR* “Isn’t that cute”, the director said, laughing. “She thinks she is going to open the door.(")

*BulletGR* Not on a door with a round (k)nob, at least(.)

*BulletGR* When she waited at the window in the family room, at 3pm (how did she know?) waiting for (the) sight of the school bus, run to the front door to jump on my son, she was saying I love you.


Thank you for sharing your personal account of Lucy, and what she meant to you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was an amazing dog.

Sincerely,
LdyPhoenix


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by LdyPhoenix
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading* This is a review of "Words Without Words for "Retired Founder, Rising Stars Program. *Reading*
This review is given in the spirit of Rising Star fellowship, and to help improve each others writing.
It, by no means, is meant to cause harm by the opinions expressed there within.
Please take what you feel is constructive and discard the rest.

Greetings Athena Lynn -

         You've written an excellent short story about the sacrifices military families go through when serving their country. You've centered your narration on the point-of-view of the service family's young daughter. Your comparison of what child is concerned about, and what her parents' are concerned about is an excellent plot device. It demonstrates emotions without manipulating your awesome. I was blown away by this story, especially considering that this is your first short story!

         There are a couple of suggestions I would like to bring to your consideration to tighten certain aspects of your story.

*Right* When writing about age, you may want to consider spelling out the number eight instead of just listing the number. This is somewhat preference for the writer, but some writers believe that you should spell out any number under ten.

*Right* She actually had a room in the house dedicated to stationary (stationery) of every imaginable kind...

"Stationary" means "unmoving or fixed" while "stationery" means "writing materials".

*Right* Once it was secure my Mother and I, and my Nana were escorted over to Dad.

Try instead: Once it was secure my Mother, my Nana, and I were escorted over to Dad.

         You've written an amazing story! Thank you for sharing this piece of work. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Write on!

Fellow Rising Star,
LdyPhoenix

** Image ID #1624255 Unavailable **

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Review of 7 Seconds  
Review by LdyPhoenix
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Walking in the rain SAJ signature


Greetings Marie --

FIRST THOUGHTS:

         Interesting poem! It's not often that one crosses a poem about basketball. You've captured the game well in a few lines. *Smile*

STRUCTURE:

         The structure of your poem is short and concise. However, in order to maintain a certain order or look, there are some key words missing. I highlighted the parts you may wish to consider.

*UmbrellaB* But the home team with too much greed
This sentence does not read well as it is not a complete sentence, even if you attach the sentence that comes before it. I would suggest changing the word "with" with "has".

SPELLING & GRAMMAR:

         I found one spelling error.

*UmbrellaB* This is a poem that i (I) came up while watching a basketball game.

         Reading through your poem, I found the punctuation is not continuous throughout the piece. This breaks up the flow of the poem, making the reading more choppy than what you may have had in mind. Below I've listed your poem with full punctuation, marked in bold.

7 seconds left in the game(;)
The away team losing just the same(.)
Down by 2 points, that's all they need(,)
But the home team with too much greed(.)
The shot went up to the away team's joy(.)
The shot was missed(,) and they were destroyed(.)
The home team has just won the game.
The away team lost, just the same.


CONCLUSION:

         You have an intriguing poem here. With a few adjustments, I think your piece can really shine. I thing I would suggest with future poems is to read them allowed and test the natural pauses; this will help with punctuation. Write on! *Smile*

Sincerely,
LdyPhoenix
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
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9
Review by LdyPhoenix
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Reading* This is a review of "The Depths Of Forget for "Retired Founder, Rising Stars Program. *Reading*
This review is given in the spirit of Rising Star fellowship, and to help improve each others writing.
It, by no means, is meant to cause harm by the opinions expressed there within.
Please take what you feel is constructive and discard the rest.

Greetings grayshift -

[First Impressions]:
         *Idea* This is a beautiful piece of prose. There is an interconnection between description and emotion that feeds the landscape you've created is intense and bittersweet. Yet, what is bleak is also inspiring. There is no end without a beginning, that continues over and over again.

[Structure]:
         *Tools* The structure of your prose is sparse and streamlined. Each section stands on its own, but flows into the next line well.

[Grammar/Spelling]:
         *Magnify* Overall, I could find no grammatical errors while reading your piece of prose. However, there was one reoccurring spelling mistake that continued throughout your work.

*XB* Causes my body of work to bear the signs of it's stress.
*XB* I remember only the tragedy of it's birth.
*XB* Not the chalk board, nor it's proofs.

         "It's" is the contracted form of It is. "Its" is the possessive pronoun form. I would suggest changing the highlighted it's to its.

[Final Thoughts]:
         *Key* The prose you've created is moving and magnificent. Thank you for sharing. Write on! *Smile*

[Favorite Line/Segment]:
         *CheckB* I shall swallow your yesterdays, regardless of the cost.

*Star* Your Fellow Rising Star,
LdyPhoenix

** Image ID #1779557 Unavailable **
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10
Review of Our Someday  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings DarkRose praying 4 Renna :

~This is a review of "Our Someday~
This is just my opinion. Please take from this advice what you wish, and discard the rest.


First Impressions: You've done a great job in capturing the disappointment of not having a loved one around when they have promised to be there. Going through a situation similar to this, I can feel for the narrator and can see where she finally embraces letting his promise go without letting go of hope.

Plot: This poem is about the narrator's hope to see her older brother again, but has come to stop expecting him as he promised. The poem speaks to finally accepting the situation as it stands and moving on with her life.

Structure: The non-rhyming structure works well with the idea of the poem. I like the way you connect each of the stanzas by linking with repetitive words in the lines, and circling thoughts are the beginning and ending of the poem.

Grammar/Spelling: I could find no grammatical or spelling errors while reading your piece of poetry. *Thumbsup*

Closing Thoughts: This was a lovely piece about betrayal and acceptance, working within a person's boundaries of self. Well done and write on! *Smile*

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Balloon*


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11
Review of You Happened  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings TLaurenCole :

~This is a review of "You Happened~
This is just my opinion. Please take from this advice what you wish, and discard the rest.


First Impressions: I like the simplistic feel of the poem, and the frankness of feeling. Comparing life before and after the first special moment makes for a lovely picture.

Structure: This was a simple, free-flowing poem about the emotions of falling in love. The structure works well with the flow, and the absence of rhyme helps the movement.

Characters: The narrator's openness to the feelings before and after meeting the special someone helps adds to the dimensions of the poem. The declaration makes it easy to sympathize with the narrator and root for a happy outcome.

Grammar/Spelling: I could find no grammatical or spelling errors while reading this poem. *Thumbsup*

Closing Thoughts: Lovely, romantic poem. Well done! *Smile*

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Balloon*


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Review of The Prince  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings RedButterfly :

~This is a review of "The Prince~
This is just my opinion. Please take from this advice what you wish, and discard the rest.


First Impressions: I loved what you've done with switching around the point-of-view of this classic fairytale. It was refreshing to hear it from the male's mind about the night his life changed. You have a lovely way of describing the scene and capturing the feelings of the moment. You gave enough information about the royal family dynamic without weighing the short story down with info dump.

Well done.

Plot: The story goes through the first half of the Cinderella through the narration of The Prince. There are the same climatic moments, only with different personal goals. He tries to best to remain his own person without swaying to the desires of his parents, but at the same time, is aware of the damage that might happen if his cousin is given control of the kingdom.

Meeting the mysterious girl at the ball changes everything.

Structure: Well-written structure and voice. You never stray from the mind of The Prince. Everything was clear-cut and precise.

Characters: The Prince is excellent. I can see why Cinderella fell in love at first sight. He is charming and self-deprecating, and shows genuine feelings of enchantment when meeting his future wife for the first time.

Grammar/Spelling: I could find no grammatical or spelling errors while reading your short story. *Thumbsup*

Closing Thoughts: Well done! I look forward to reading more from you in the future. *Smile*

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Balloon*


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Review of Nameless  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings Jennifer Doran :

~This is a review of "Nameless~
This is just my opinion. Please take from this advice what you wish, and discard the rest.


First Impressions: This poem speaks of the how a friendship, particularly with the subject in your piece, can help through the hard times and bring warmth. What was intriguing about this was the subtle underlying subject of obsession, almost speaking of "Nameless" like a pill or medication. Well done.

Structure: I enjoyed the free-form flow of the poem and the use of a non-rhyming scheme, which fit well with the theme of your poem. The repetition of the first stanza in the last stanza concluded the poem nicely.

Characters: The narrator of your poem is describing how the subject of the poem was always there, through thick and thin. The details of emotions as well as action made for a lovely touch.

Grammar/Spelling: There were a couple of grammatical errors I spotted while reading your poem. As these are important to the first and last stanzas, I would recommend paying particular attention to these.

*Quill* Clingyness (Clinginess) and Cluttlerlyness (not a word)

*Quill* Tryptophon (Tryptophan) and indigo

Closing Thoughts: This was a lovely, intriguing ode to someone who stood by the side of someone in need. The underlying hint of darkness made this a well-crafted poem. Write On! *Smile*

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Balloon*


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Review of Life  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings Mar :

~This is a review of "Life~
This is just my opinion. Please take from this advice what you wish, and discard the rest.


First Impressions: This poem explores the emotional scope of life. Your poem goes through the process of dealing with happiness turning to pain. There are trials and tribulations, and this work chronicles the feelings that go with it.

Structure: You have a nice sense of structure when it comes to your poem. I like the rhyming scheme you've creature for the theme of your work. Although somewhat forced at times to fit the poetic pattern, this was easy to follow.

One thing I would like to suggest would be to post the rhyming pattern you used at the bottom of your poem, especially if you are using a specific type of poetry. This will help reader follow along better.

Characters: The narrator of this poem expresses the emotional trouble that comes with dealing in the constant changes in life. While reflecting on the past, the narrator prays for better understanding and acceptance.

Grammar/Spelling: This was well-crafted. I could find no grammatical errors while reading. *Thumbsup*

Closing Thoughts: This was well written and portrays the emotional difficulties we all face in times of uncertainty. Write on! *Smile*

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Balloon*


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Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings Rose Praying for Peace :

~This is a review of "The Father's Prize Flowers~
This is just my opinion. Please take from this advice what you wish, and discard the rest.


First Impressions: You've done a lovely job in using the metaphor of different flowers in a garden as an example of the uniqueness of people. We often don't see the varying aspects of ourselves as something to champion, even if it is not the best of character traits. We should be appreciative of that, and you have highlighted it well in your work.

Structure: I like the structure of your poem, and the emphasis on the frames of the stanzas, taking advantage of the natural placement of the lines. The green color was a nice touch to make this ascetically pleasing.

Characters: Your use of different flowers to personify the different and unique personalities of people was done well. Each description of character and flower was vivid, matching in substance and picture.

Grammar/Spelling: Using punctuation within a poem is a debatable issue as it is a matter of preference for the poet. However, in this poem, there seems to be confusion as to whether or not punctuation is used. Periods are used only some of the time, and only random lines are capitalized, even at the beginning of a new sentence.

I would highly suggest either removing the periods altogether or adding more. The same goes with the capitalization. Your poem would also benefit from commas to help with natural pauses.

Closing Thoughts: Lovely and heartfelt. Thanks for sharing. Write On! *Smile*

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Balloon*


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Review of The Fog  
Review by LdyPhoenix
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1533819 Unavailable **

-This is a review of "The Fog for Rising Stars.-

Greetings EarthenAura -

[First Impressions]: I was intrigued by the title of this piece, and then by the premise behind the writing. What makes this an interesting read is that the woman is honest with herself about what happens in her relationships with other people as well as with herself. In many ways, this fog is something most of us carry around with us. You can also see the progress she makes as you go along with her thoughts.Whether this fog makes us bad people is debatable, and that makes this piece even more compelling to read.

[Structure]: The structure of this work matches the thought process of the woman. In almost diary form, you can see where she headed as she contemplates her emotions about the fog that surrounds her.

[Grammar/Spelling]: I found one minor error while reading.

*Quill* It can take someone who’s having a wonderful day,and (needs space) ...

[Final Thoughts]: This was a creative piece and easy to relate to. There were a few revelations with the woman's thought process, making her small amount of progress commendable. Hopefully, she can find a way beyond the cloud. Well done. Write on! *Smile*

[Favorite Line/Segment]: A poignant conclusion.

"Perhaps we all have fogs. Maybe their fog and mine creates more of a cloud. Maybe a thundercloud. Maybe it creates lightning. Maybe it creates thunder. Maybe it creates rain.

But then the fog remains."


-Your Fellow Rising Star,
LdyPhoenix
17
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Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Greetings turtlemoon-dohi :

~This is a review of "Late Evening Mistress~
This is just my opinion. Please take from this advice what you wish, and discard the rest.


First Impressions: This was a masterful poem. The way you've made the moon into a lady was done without forcing the issue or pushing the wording too much into the scene. Your skill with crafting the scene is showcased here.

Structure: I like the free-flowing poetic form as it moves with the poem instead of forcing the words into a rigid structure. This helps all the components work together for a nice read.

Characters: I loved your portrayal of the moon as a finely dressed lady, showing off her beauty as she danced across the sky. It was easy to imagine the moon walking into a late evening party, and becoming the talk of the room. Your descriptions of the moon's appearance and the responding animals and nature around was spot on.

Grammar/Spelling: I could find no grammatical or structural errors while reading your poem. *Thumbsup*

Closing Thoughts: Very well-crafted. I'll look out my window tonight, and see the moon in a whole new light. Makes me wonder who she is showing off for this evening, lol. Write On! *Smile*

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Balloon*


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Review of Stay In Your Room  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings D.L. Robinson :

~This is a review of "Stay In Your Room~
This is just my opinion. Please take from this advice what you wish, and discard the rest.


First Impressions: I was quite blown away by what you've written in this piece of prose. This seems like a step-by-step guide as to how we can find peace within ourselves by first stripping away all internal conflict, then keeping away external conflict to find and heal oneself.

Structure: The structure of this piece is well constructed. I like the way it feeds into itself the more you read on. The descriptions used were also well placed as they placed the dark and the light side-by-side, making them both equal and unproductive in the process.

Characters: The narrator of this prose has a strong voice, speaking out to the readers and drawing them in. This made the prose compelling, and almost entrancing. The strength of the narrator cuts through any hesitation there may be.

Grammar/Spelling: I could find no grammatical or structural errors while reading your work. *Thumbsup*

Closing Thoughts: I found this piece to be meditative, although I've never heard of mediation described quite in this manner. There were several poignant lines of this piece that will stay with me long after I finish reading. Write On! *Smile*

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Balloon*


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Review of Paralysis  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings Woo :

~This is a review of "Paralysis~
This is just my opinion. Please take from this advice what you wish, and discard the rest.


First Impressions: Wow, this was extremely dark in content and intent. The choice of where we have the right to take our own life is hotly debated. What you've done with your poem is demonstrate the personal struggle as to what it feels like to wish for death. The emotions you've drawn upon are palpable - the loneliness and despair bringing readers into the situation.

Structure: The structure of the poem is well made. You've written a (a/b/c/b) form type of rhyme that let's the poem have continuous flow throughout the work.

If I were to make a suggestion, I would remove the parenthesis on the last line of the second stanza. The line actual fits within context the further you read, so having that line singled out is not necessary.

Characters: The narrator of the poem has a strong and steady voice throughout the entire piece. This adds a certain level of creepiness to the poem as there is no hesitation in the narrator's actions.

Grammar/Spelling: I could find no grammatical errors while reading. *Thumbsup*

Closing Thoughts: This was a very deep poem, one that might hit closer to home for some readers. They say that it is cathartic to release inner struggles, which is one of the main reasons why I write. I hope this poem is the same for you, and not something you may be considering. Darkness has a way of touching us all. That's how we know we're not alone. Keep up the good work. *Smile*

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Balloon*


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Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Salutations Dr M C Gupta ~

This is an entry review of "I CANNOT LET YOU GO
for "The Elementalist Contest


First Thoughts: The sentiments in this poem were well expressed. This was a classic way to describe the meaning behind the contest prompt. Nicely done. *Smile*

Errors: I found two possible errors while reading your poem.

*Cut* My blood, my sweat(,) my tears.

*Cut* How to prove, I do’nt (don't) know.

Suggestions: At times it seemed that the wording of the poem was forced. This may have been to fit the format of the poem. I would recommend rereading the poem, and checking to see if the lines move smoothly with one another. If not, reworking the wording to for better flow.

Favorite Line/Segment:

"I will truly shed in love
My blood, my sweat my tears.
I will walk through fire of hell.
One in love knows no fears."


Thanks for entering! *Smile*

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Review of Us Lovely Corpses  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: E | (4.0)
Salutations Skot ~

This is an entry review of "Us Lovely Corpses
for "The Elementalist Contest


First Thoughts: This was an interesting take on the contest prompt. The descriptions were vivid. I hadn't thought to take the context of this contest round into that point. Points for creativity.

Errors: Nice use of language. I could find no grammatical errors while reading your work. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions: I have to say it took me a few times to understand where you were going this piece. One thing that helped was your hint in the forum post. Depending on you feedback from others, you might want to make a note at the end of this work to give other readers a hint of what you are trying to convey.

Also, give the graphic detail of this work I would suggest rating this piece slightly higher than "E". This is just a thought. These are just suggestions; you must make the right for your own words.

Favorite Line/Segment:

For thenceforth we’d have found that void.
To our love’s prime desire.


Thanks for entering! *Smile*

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Review of The Find  
Review by LdyPhoenix
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Medussa -

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Balloon*


First Thoughts: This was a wondrous poem about finding something by the sea. The narrator of the poem describes, in great detail, a small object they found buried in the sand. The enthusiasm and wonder comes across well. It was easy to see why the narrator didn't want to be entranced, lol.

Errors: The poetic flow of this piece moves well from one stanza to the next. I especially enjoyed the way you repeated the last line in each stanza to give it uniformity.

I could find no grammatical errors while reading through. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions: You have a talent with words, mixing clever phrases and vivid imagery. No suggestions needed; it's great as is.

Favorite Line/Segment:

That killer of cats conquered me.
How wondrous, this find by the sea.



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Review of In Flames  
Review by LdyPhoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Salutations CorrugateSky ~

This is an entry review of "In Flames
for "The Elementalist Contest


First Thoughts: As your description states, this is a very passionate poem about what love can turn to when things are no longer balanced. The narrator's emotions are vivid as are the images you describe to your readers. I enjoyed the creative way your used the contest prompt, making fire your base to describe the atmosphere of a tumultuous relationship.

Errors: I spotted a couple of grammatical errors while reading your poem.

*Cut* ...a funeral pyre befitting our consumate (consummate) end.

*Cut* it unfurls extravagently (extravagantly)

Suggestions: Overall, I appreciated your sense of poetic structure and wording. The flow of the poem, however, I think was stifled by some of the phrasing of the stanzas. Below are some suggestions to make things smoother. Keep in mind that these are just suggestions. In end the end you must do what's right for your work. *Smile*

*Quill* ...of selfless substance, = (;)

*Quill* ...I am a hopeless pyromaniac, = (.)

Favorite Line/Segment:

"We simply consumed each other
and ourselves."


Thanks for entering! *Smile*

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Review by LdyPhoenix
In affiliation with Native First Peoples Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A signature for the First Peoples' Group

Greetings billwilcox-

This is a review of "The Last Royal March.


First Thoughts: The title of your poem was the first thing that intrigued me. After reading through the entire piece, I was amazed at the way you were able to capture that piece of history. You were able to sketch the scene for your readers well, and provide a true tone of what was happening with great detail has emotions quickly changed.

Errors/Suggestions: There was sense of pause or awkward pausing within your poem. Each stanza flowed smoothly into the the next. You balanced the emotion of the crowds with the fear of those about to die by the axe quite well.

I could find no grammatical errors. *Thumbsup*

Conclusion: This was a well-written poem that provided vivid imagery. Thank you for sharing your work, and I look forward to reading more of it in the future. Write On!

-Sincerely,
LdyPhoenix
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Review of Only More Alone  
Review by LdyPhoenix
In affiliation with Native First Peoples Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A review signature for the First Peoples' Group.
This is a review of "Only More Alone for First Peoples' Group.


Greetings Morgan Adam Internet Problems! -

((First Thoughts)) I was amazed with how in-depth you were able to create this story given how little you have to work with. Corinne is a lonely woman who is trying to branch out and have a picnic by herself. The reader is able to learn not only the loneliness she feels, but also that she has the strength to push herself in a situation that obviously makes her uncomfortable. In the end she decides that she wasn't ready, but I wanted to clap for her at trying it in the first place. Well done with capturing so much in this piece of flash fiction!

((Errors)) I could find no grammatical errors while reading your piece. *Thumbsup*

((Suggestions)) No suggestions needed. You've done an excellent job exploring the character you created in Corinne, especially with only 300 words!

((Conclusion)) Congratulations on winning Honorable Mention. This flash fiction would definitely be a winner in my book. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. *Smile*

Write On!
LdyPhoenix
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