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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lorimorse
Review Requests: ON
27 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Reemi  
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (4.5)
This sounds like an interesting project. You certainly have a good start here, with having your world created even with a sun and moon. Your characters sound interesting and I can see there will be a lot that you can do with them and put them through. You will be able to create a lot of drama with the wars and conflicts that are and have gone on, and also with the NightWalkers return to the planet. You will be able to develop plenty of obstacles to create tension and make this an interesting telling. I applaud you on the extensive work you have done and can see that you will be able to develop a well-crafted story. I wish you good luck in this project and encourage you to keep working on it until you get it finished and published. I do not see any problems with what you have created here.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Lori J
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading your backstory. You have good build up and drama that will lead to an exciting resolution as the story continues. I like the idea of the brothers becoming allies and working toward the same goal. Your obstacle of needing the government's help seems very realistic. Your characters are believable, and I can feel the father's desire to help his son.
I believe you are creating a great story that will be enjoyed by the sci-fi readers that find your story.
I would have liked to read more about their invention.
Keep up the good work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Shopping  
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (4.0)
I loved your little story, and can picture the excitement of the child when she saw the door. Then there being two little children, it would have been even more exciting and enticing for them. Your structure is good, establishing your characters, then bringing in an incident, and then coming up with a resolution.
I enjoyed reading it and think it could be used in classes teaching young parents about the importance of keeping their children in view at all times. This little story stresses the quickness of young children and is an important lesson that all parents need to learn.
I noticed a missing word in your last sentence.
Very good, realistic writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Mothers  
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting writing, pointing out the busyness of the world. Flow of the words were well arranged. Tone is serious with an underlying feeling of guilt. The mood was sorrowful for both mothers. I felt the hurriedness of the mother and the disappointment of the bird mother. This is a good poem that can be used to teach mothers to slow down and think about what their children are missing out on, by not getting up earlier and getting around better.
You used good punctuation until the last part. I wondered about that.
Keep the lessons coming.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Lori J
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Structure: Set up in 6, 4, and 2 line verses in free verse style.
Theme: False love.
Flow: Good, no disjointed words or breaks that throw the flow off.
Tone and Mood: Serious, Realistic
Overall Impression: A beautiful writing job with honest feelings coming out. The speaker has no feelings for the child sitting on the counter, and must feel a desperate a need to unburden himself/herself for some reason. Maybe the intention is to give up living a lie. The smile playing across the speaker's lips makes the person seem vengeful. I feel the hurt for the child. Emotions show clearing in this poem.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (4.0)
I feel your grandma's love in these words. The words are full of feeling, and the rhymes are excellent. I like your words of these gifts were made of gold and say to me that what she did was worth more than money could ever mean. The colorful checkers and bold is very vivid and shows some of your grandma's personality in liking colorful things. I wonder if it needs a comma after pompon?
I enjoyed reading this and think it is a real tribute, very lovely and beautiful to your grandma. Keep up the good writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love this. I've not read much cinquain or written it at all. I like the continuity of the stanzas. You have a smooth flow to your very descriptive words. There are definitely no weak verbs. I love stormy nights and I can hear the rain pouring down on the parched earth. This poem made me feel as though I was right there in the middle of the storm.
I think you did a superb job. I don't see anything that needs correcting. Keep up the good work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Condemnation  
Review by Lori J
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is an interesting perspective. I can see where your subject could be euthanasia or that subject would fit. Having to suffer through 2 weeks of pain would not be enjoyable, nor would it be so for the family. This is a very thought-provoking and emotional poem, and you have done a very good job with it. I see nothing that I would consider changing or nothing that needs correcting. Super job.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading your article and know that what you write is true. I like the tip about their stocking times and getting the best buys in the mornings. There are a lot of people that do go to these stores and I can see that they might run out of what you are looking for. I agree about the greeting cards and the wrapping paper, and as you said the wrapping paper usually goes into the trash. I think a lot of greeting cards do too. This is a very informative article and well written. I did notice several mistakes that you might want to check out. In number 1, socks you ?. In number 4, loved ones', instead of one's. In number 19, a great ?. I'm impressed with this idea for an informative article and think it could be a help to a lot of people.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an interesting poem. I like the adverbs you used; saucer, sapphire, platinum. They help to give a clearer definition of these things in my mind's eye. Then there's the mother ship too, another good adverb description. Citizens is a good substitute for people and you used good descriptive verbs. Your rhyming is excellent also. I am impressed with what you have created here.
You might consider replacing some of the commas with periods. I enjoyed reading and studying it. Have a good week.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Dreamy River  
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (5.0)
This personification of the river is very well developed. From being just a drop and moving on to the ocean. I like the image of the river moving onward and looking for peace until it comes to a quiet shore. But you've already established, it will need to continue on to the sea.
This is excellent writing, with many well-placed adverbs that add to the beauty of the piece.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Lori J
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This is a fabulous story. I like the way it starts, and you bring in the action gradually. I liked the way you brought in the turtle style of fighting. It was not clear though about covering her armor. Did you mean that she would withdraw into it? Also, I did not understand who was speaking in the paragraph that begins, "Yeah, laugh"
In the second part who did they hope would tell about an affair? In the paragraph that begins, "So go away, the verb tense is not agreeing. It should read, quickly turning.
When Mizar looked at her ... and pulled her.
I really liked the phrase "Oh for the Great Ancestors," I thought that was quite humorous.
The paragraph that begins Galaspiael had once (lain) beside her.
Look over the third part for mistakes. Make sure you add the quotation marks everywhere they need to be. Also, be sure to capitalize names.
Keep working on this. It's a good story, but still needs a lot of work.
Good luck with it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Nimrod  
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really think a lot of people are very inept at reading attentively. They glance over things and make a snap judgement over what they just read without really considering what was sad. The advice to the nimrods on the internet is to think before you write.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of $47.16  
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (4.0)
My overall impression of this piece of writing is that it is quite interesting. Giving the amount of money he has with him and mentioning the town that he hopes to make it to that night makes this very realistic. By being willing to sleep in his truck that night, and trying to come up with a way to acquire more money for gas shows his determination to keep going. I love the imagery in this poem, of traffic being thick and movement slow. I especially like four hundred miles chases day to night.
I would like to see something added about the reason for the trip. A little clue of some kind. Is his mother deathly ill? Is someone he loves in trouble? Also, you should check out line 4, something is wrong with the wording there.
I really like this piece. Thank you for sharing it.


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15
15
Review of $47.16  
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (3.5)
My overall impression of this piece of writing is that its quite interesting. Giving the exact amount of money he has and giving the name of the place he hopes to get to that night makes this very realistic. I feel his desire to get where he is wanting to go, and his willingness to sleep in the truck shows his determination in not giving up. I like the imagery of the traffic being thick and the movement slow. I especially like four hundred miles chases day to night.
I would like to see something added about why he is making this trip, some little clue. Is his mom very ill? He has taken off in a great hurry it seems since he doesn't have enough money to make the trip. Check out line 4, something is wrong in your wording there.
Overall I really like this piece. Happy days of writing to you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of One Evening  
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good comic writing, making you wonder when they were going to grab him. Taking the garbage bin and then what happened to the dog was a total shock. Taking his clothes instead of him was quite a twist too. Everything was written in perfect English except one line, so I wondered if that was something that was overlooked. In the second line of the second stanza, you have written 'I watched them fire beaming rays,' instead of 'I watched those fire beaming rays.
I enjoyed this writing and think that anyone who reads it will like it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Lori J
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
My overall impression of this writing is that it is an intriguingly written story. It is one that I think children, young teens, would enjoy. It doesn't drag and is fast-paced enough to keep their attention. I liked the rapport between and son and father and thought the brother and sister relationship was true to life. They also worked together when they were in danger.
This is very well written and I don't see any improvement that is needed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of The Wind  
Review by Lori J
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this. It rhymes so perfectly. I feel the cold blasts blowing through the shutters, and hear the rattling of the house. It's a good caring poem and could be used by a teacher to show the importance of concern for others and doing what you can to be a help to them, but not yet putting yourself in danger. It gives hope too, of an ending to the storm. Thank you for this beautifully written piece of work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Lori J
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good images of the young man with other things on his mind, rather than work. Did he or did he not close the points? That thought came through clearly and I thought the driver was very real. I could see and feel his anger.
In the second paragraph where he is sitting on his own in the rest room, made me think of a bathroom and why was he sitting there. Maybe rest area or break room would be clearer.
Also in the paragraph where he was daydreaming about his date with Kathy and trying to imagine, instead of trying, tried would be in keeping with the tense of approached and began.
You have a good story going, believable characters and an interesting plot of the young man in his attempt to please a young lady.
Keep working on it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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