Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review Requests: ON

1,657 Public Reviews Given

3,026 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

In depth, detailed, and supportive.

I'm good at...

Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.

Favorite Genres

SciFi, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Fantasy

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

nonfiction, poetry

I will not review...

I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.

51

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14 days may be credited.

#4605824

Review of King of the House Elves, Chapter 1

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

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Hi. Thanks for asking me to read your chapter. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "King of the House Elves, Chapter 1"

by HollyMerry

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
There are many lovely descriptions in this chapter--for exmaple, "Airen’s reddish gold hair kindled like burnished copper when illuminated by the fire in his forge..."

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening paragraphs give a wide-shot, panoramic view of the setting--the kind of thing that often happens in movies. The problem is, this isn't a movie. It's a novel. In a movie, the *camera* is the eye of the audience. In a novel, one of the characters provides not only the eyes, but the ears, nose, fingers, and all the other senses. So, before starting descriptions, it's a good idea to draw a reader into the head of your point-of-view character.

Mostly this chapter uses Aria for the POV, so it would be an easy tweak to change from omniscient to her POV. It would also help make the chapter more immediate and intimate.

Plot
We meet Aria, whose immediate goal seems to be contacting her father. The obstacle is the cruelty of the humans, which provides the stakes as well.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

By the end of the chapter, Aria has reached a decision to go to her father. Indeed, the chapter goes on for a bit after that decision and reaches a point of mystery where we're not sure how the decision will work out.

The scene/sequel model helps to understand hooks. In a "scene" chapter, there's lots of action which culminates in an outcome of some type. The outcome forces one of the hook types, which sets of a "Sequel" chapter where the protagonist reacts to the outcome of the action and develops a new plan. That sets up the following chapter, another "scene" chapter.

Most of the this second chapter is "sequel," i.e., it sets up the action (conflict) that will arise from the decision at the end. So, the decision point is the more natural ending and hook. The action that follows from that--the "scene"--would be the next chapter. The outcome of that action would be one of the various hooks noted above, setting the next chapter as another sequel chapter where the character reacts to the outcome of the scene chapter. The ending of that sequel sets of the next "scene" chapter and so on.

Style and Voice
Omniscient.

Grammar

Repeated Words.

Beware repeating words and phrases since it runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

There are a couple of places where the story stops while the narrator intrudes to tell the readers stuff--the so-called info-dump. These stop the action in the here-and-now and take the reader out of the fictional world even as they fill in details about how that world works. But readers don't want to read a treatise on poverty in the 19th century Paris; they want to read Les Miserables. The novel shows, through the words and deeds of the characters, the horrific life of the poor in Paris. That showing is the power of fiction.

That said, info dumps seem to be pervasive in published fantasy. That's one reason I don't have the patience to read this genre. SciFi authors that cross over to fantasy, such as Lois McMaster Bujold, write successful fantasy novels without info dumps. Your novel has a well-thought-out and detailed fictional world. It has sympathetic and believable characters, with great conflicts. It deserves to have more focused third-person-limited POV (changing from chapter to chapter) and taking the effort to reveal the details of the world through the words and deeds of your characters rather than info-dumps.

Do keep writing--your work shows many admirable skills. Your writing crackles like a fireworks. Some tweaks on POV and showing as opposed to telling will make this dynamite instead of a firecracker.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Though young and quick of hearing, Aira was reluctant to answer. My Comment: There’s been an omniscient POV up to here. This line suggests Aria’s POV, but it could be the omniscient narrator knowing everything...

Airen’s reddish gold hair kindled like burnished copper when illuminated by the fire in his forge in the brownie village that they left behind half a mile from the faerie door into the castle. My Comment: So, this departs from the here-and-now and tells us how he looked in the past? How is that relevant?

He often made nails, letter openers, knives and other useful implements for humans. My Comment: The rest of the paragraph is info-dump.

Airen’s pack of metalwork clanked on his shoulders as he turned to bid Aira farewell.My Comment: After several paragraphs of info-dump, we’re back in the here-and-now.

They tiptoed carefully My Comment: It’s hard to imagine them tiptoeing “recklessly,” so I’d omit the adverb.

worn to a thread as her work-worn fingers slid from Aira’s wrist.My Comment: “worn” repeats.

Aira clapped her hands in delight, too overjoyed to notice Meg’s reserved tone.My Comment: Bur, of course, the omniscient narrator does notice...

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

52

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4604970

Review of King of the House Elves - Chapter 2

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

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Hi. Max here. Thanks for asking me to read your chatper. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "King of the House Elves - Chapter 2"

by HollyMerry

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
Excellent descriptions, using vivid, active verbs. Nice work!

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

I've made some suggestions in the line-by-line remarks below to better establish the point of view and draw the readers into Boroden's head.

Plot
We meet Boroden, apparently the now-eldest son of the King. He's preparing for a do-or-die battle with enemies of the kingdom, and has a conversation with his younger brother about what brought them to this point.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

The hook is a decision, or rather a couple of decisions. Boroden announces he's ready for the battle, but he's also decided to not use his special, secret "ability." The latter remains a mystery, which is also a kind of hook.

Style and Voice
MOstly it's third person limited in Boroden's head, but it wobbles a bit, especially at the start. See the line-by-line comments below.

Referencing
We learn a bit about Boroden's physical attributes and his history. There's some good description of the physical setting, too.

Characters
This is mostly Boroden and his younger brother. However, the King and someone named Aira crop up, too. I realize I've met some of these in other chapters I've read, but based on what's here they are pretty sketchy. That's fine, since they are also off-stage.

You've established Boroden's goals, the stakes, and the obstacles. Boroden has several goals, including pleasing his father, surviving the upcoming battle, protecting his younger brother, and finding Aira. The hobyahs and their allies are the obstacles in most cases, although the King seemed to me to be a bit if a, uh, not-nice-person.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I have the sense this is the first chapter of a novel which is part of a series. As such, part of what you've tried to do is remind readers what happened in the prior novels and also catch up readers who are new to the series. This is always a tough balance to maintain. I've read only parts of some of the earlier novels, so I can't really assess how you've done, but I did see a couple of flashbacks. These can be the author's friend, but generally it's not a good idea to use them in an opening chapter. The early chapters are where you establish the readers' connections with characters and the fictional world. ONce they've got that, you can break linear time without fracturing their connection with the fictional world, but in an opening chapter that's almost an impossible task. I can see where mention of Aira is important, and understanding that Boroden might feel guilty over the death of his older brother and heir to the throne, but I'm not sure we need a flashback to see this. I'm not sure we DON'T need a flashback either, but I admit to being skeptical for the reasons noted above.

Overall, I've met most of these characters before in other chapters. They have depth, are believable, and sympathetic, which will make readers want to cheer for them. That's a big deal in terms of getting readers engaged with your story, so good job again.

Thanks for sharing! Keep the chapters coming.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

The coming day would decide whether Boroden Ulfharen lived or died.My Comment: This sentence shows knowledge of future events and suggests an omniscient narrator. The omniscient narrator continues throughout the opening paragraph.

The loveliness of it was distant from Boroden’s own pained heart.My Comment: Here, we’re told what’s in Boroden’s head, but it still feels like the omniscient narrator speaking. It would be stronger to lead with some physical indication of his anguish and perhaps some sensory data as well. That would establish the readers inside Boroden’s head. Once there, you could put the first paragraph without change since readers would then see it as something he’s thinking or feeling.

That evening he had diligently practiced his sword skills with his uncle, Leon.My Comment: Here, we have a time reversal in just the third paragraph. Rather than taking us to the past, perhaps he could rub his sore shoulder with trembling fingers. That grounds his memory in the present, so if then follow this with the sentence about his interaction with his uncle, you stay in the here-and-now.

Boroden’s lips tightened as he recognised his father, King Mazgrim.My Comment: Reverses cause and effect...first he recognizes his father, then his lips tighten. This ordering helps reinforce the events unfolding in the here-and-now.

It had already been snatched up.My Comment: Passive voice. We learn in the next sentence it was Ulfmolt who snatched it up, so why not make this an active verb by having him do it?

He pushed away his fear; his brother needed him.My Comment: Comma splice. Technically, this is not a mistake, but every editor I’ve worked with has made me change these to either two sentences, or replace the comma with a semicolon.

‘How will it be do you think?’ Ulfmolt fretted. His voice was still soft and piping like a bairn’s.My Comment: Elmore Leonard tells us to never use any verb except “said” to describe dialogue. I’m not sure I’d go that far, but in this case “Fretted” tells us what’s in Ulfmolt’s head rather than describing the tone of the speech, which you do in the second sentence. Since telling us what’s in Ulfmolt’s head is a POV violation, I’d apply Elmore Leonard’s axiom here.

Ulfmolt stood on tiptoes to place the helmet on Boroden’s head. Ulfmolt still had a good two heads height of growing to catch up with Boroden, My Comment: “head” used twice in close proximity. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, it would be better to rephrase here.

‘The day the kraken came I was sailing my toy ship in one of the quays in the cavern beneath Velmoran. My Comment: This launches another extensive flashback...

we’d run fast if we used our ability.’My Comment: Ears perk up. Ability?

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

53

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4603804

Review of The Kraken's Prisoners - Chapter 1

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Hi. Max again. Thank you for asking me to read your chapter. I it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Kraken's Prisoners - Chapter 1"

by HollyMerry

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
Aira is an engaging character with clear goals, high stakes, and impressive obstacles. These are the building blocks of tension and hence of plot, so this is another awesome chapter.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream. The best way to do that is to put the readers into the head of the POV character. For this reason, I've several remarks on the opening paragraph that relate to Aira's POV as opposed to that of an omniscient narrator.

Aira headed for the crab apple tree, humming one of the songs that the dryads had taught her.My Comment: Feels like an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, reporting what Aira is doing. Your goal is to put the readers in her head, which is why internal sensations and/or reporting what she senses are stronger openings. For example, “She inhaled the heady scent of the crab apple blossoms and began to hum one of the songs the dryads had taught her.” That initial phrase, including the subjective “heady” scent, puts the readers in her head. It also implies the motivation for her beginning to hum.
After years of toiling as a servant for humans, helping the dryads in their forest home had to be one of the easiest jobs the brownie girl had done. The dryads admired her care for their trees and how she helped woodland creatures find the autumn bounty they provided. My Comment: This states a pair of facts, again implicitly invoking the omniscient narrator. Rephrasing to put it her head is simple, but tricky. If you rephrase, for example, “It wasn’t always easy being a brownie servant to humans, but caring for the trees lifted her spirit. The dryads, at least, were grateful. My suggested rephrasing suggests a subtext that might not be appropriate—but suggested subtexts are also helpful in putting the readers in Aira’s head. It’s better if they infer something rather than be told it explicitly. Notice, too, that in the paragraphs that follow, you do put the readers in Aira’s head, so it’s largely just this opening.

Characters
Aira has a couple of goals in this chapter--one is more long-term and the other immediate. The long-term goal is to reunite with Boroden, who has proclaimed his love for her. I find it interesting that she doesn't exactly seem to reciprocate. Indeed, this proclamation appears as a more or less emotionless memory, so I'm wondering if she loves him, too? I think so, since she clearly wants to reconnect with him. There also is an implied conflict, besides their separation, in that Boroden is royalty and Aira is clearly not.

More immediate, though, is the threat posed by the woodcutters and their allies, which threaten her life directly and cause her to flee her rather idyllic existence. So, for Aira, this flight is the precipitating incident that disrupts her world and starts the plot.

Plot

This already has the basic elements of the Hero's Journey, a well-loved plot that we know from many sources--Lord of the Rings and Star Wars being two of the best-known. Clearly, you're familiar with this and are effectively deploying the memes.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

I'm inclined to say that I would have ended the chapter a bit earlier, right before the jay arrives to rescue her. That ending would be "disaster," and the ensuing rescue sets up the next sequence of events that will end with one of the above hooks.

Where you DO end, with them setting off on foot, is a "decision," but in this case I think it's a tad weaker and anti-climactic.

Style and Voice
Mostly 3rd person limited in Aira's head, but there is one slip where the narrative hops into Gretchen's head. See the line-by-line remarks below.

One thing about the POV--there are several places where it feels like the narrator intrudes to state a fact. As above in the first paragraph, I suggest tweaking these so that they are credibly something Aira is thinking, sensing, or feeling. Remember, everything on the page is supposed to be something that Aira has sensed, felt, thought, or remembered. She also needs to have a *reason* for thinking it--see the comment on her "golden hair" below. Third person limited is powerful, but it has subtles, too.

Referencing
Lots of little details to establish the fictional world.

Grammar
Good job! I almost always find something to whine about here, but your copy is clean.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Most of my comments pertain to point of view. In terms of tweaks, these would be rather minor, but they contribute greatly to putting the readers inside the fictional world, imagining the details along with you, the author.

You have a great talent for description and for characterization. This promises to be an interesting novel, with the two romantic leads. It might help if there were some conflict besides separation that prevents the leads from coming together--for example, Boroden as King might have Kingly obligation that he can't reconcile with his feelings for Aira. we've already seen some of that since he's fled and left her behind.

Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

‘Indeed I am. I like the peace of the forest,’ Aira said, tossing back her long golden hair and reaching for her full basket, which she had left suspended on a branch.My Comment: I get that you want to show that she has golden hair, but she’s unlikely to be thinking about that right at the moment. That means that this, too, feels like the narrator inserting a fact. In third person limited, whatever on the page is *supposed* to be something that Aira has sensed, thought, or felt. Thus, it has to be natural that she’d be thinking about her hair color, which isn’t likely in this context—unless you can contrive a reason to insert it.

The moon had been full like this soon after Boroden’s departure and she had crept outside to admire its beauty, careful not to wake Gretchen.My Comment: I’m not sure we need this tiny time reversal.

An animal had been crouched amongst a heap of mossy boulders, its black fur blending into the shadows. A wolf. Aira had blown out her candle as it turned.My Comment: I’m not quite clear on the sequencing here, but it looks like Aira only saw the animal after blowing out the candle, so that should be first, before any mention of the animal (otherwise, it’s the omniscient narrator knowing stuff Aira does not know).

It had come back the next few nights, but why? My Comment: so we’ve suddenly changed from the here-and-now of Aira returning to the cabin to several days later, summarizing what’s happened. That’s fine, but the transition needs to be clearer.

The brownies did their work by night to avoid humans noticing them.My Comment: Another place to tweak to make this Aira thinking this, as opposed to the narrator stating a fact.

b}

Gretchen thought that Aira was mad to move so surely.

My Comment: Hops into Gretchen’s head. To stay with Aira, you could rephrase as, "From her expression, Aira could tell Gretchen thought her mad." Or even replace "expression" with "google eyes" for a more evocative description.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

54

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4602186

Review of Where Rainbows Dance- Chapter 2

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. This is Max. Thank you for asking me to read your chapter. I it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "Where Rainbows Dance- Chapter 2"

by HollyMerry

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
There is much to love in this chapter. I especially liked the opening, where you established the point of view using Boroden's sensations and active, subjective descriptions to draw us into his head. The use of active verbs throughout helps to make the environment part of the story and bring the here-and-now to life. Nice work!

Characters
Boroden is the POV character and the protagonist. He's apparently a deposed prince and heir to the throne, but his goal is to rescue his childhood sweetheart Aira. He's got substantial obstacles to achieving this goal, not the least of which is that he's not certain that she's still alive. However, tortured shrieks echo through their worm-infested prison, and he believes they are from Aira. His love for her coupled with the danger she must be in establish the stakes. The power of the krakens, who have imprisoned him, provide the obstacles.

Goals, stakes, and obstacles are the basic building blocks of tension, and hence of plot. You've established these in this chapter, which provides a strong foundation for moving forward.

That said, I felt a bit overwhelmed by the plethora of characters who appeared in this chapter. On the first page, we meet Boroden, Carnelian, Torden, and learn about Aira and Krysila. Several more characters make apearances or are mentioned before the end. That's a lot for readers to keep track of, especially in such a short chapter. As the novel progresses readers will become familiar with Boroden and he will ground their experience. In a couple more chapters, you can have multiple characters and it will be less confusing, but I think there are too many in this first chapter.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Boroden's head. Perfection.

Plot
We have a good sense of the plot. In rough outline, there's been a palace revolt, Boroden, the legitimate heir, is in prison. His sweetheart is being tortured. He wants to rescue her, get his throne back, and find a safe home for his people. I'm confident more will come, but those are the basics for now, and are certainly compelling.

The chapter is kind of ambiguous about whether Aira is dead or alive. The first thing we learn about her is that she's dead, at least according to Boroden. But then he hopes she's still alive, and eventually he seems to conclude she's somewhere nearby, shrieking from torture. If that's where we're supposed to end up, then that revelation needs to have more emotional impact on Boroden, so it's clear he's gone from being guilty over causing her death to being committed to rescuing her. After all, the rescue becomes his goal.

Hook
Your "hook" is what keeps the pages turning. It usually refers to some unfinished business that arises in the final paragraph.

The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

Your hook doesn't quite fit one of these categories. We know Boroden has a visitor, but have no inkling what this might mean. At a minimum, we need a reaction from him. Alternatively, the "visitor" could present an opportunity, so that could lead to "decision." In any case, I wish the hook were stronger.

Referencing
There are quite a few details about the fictional world. Most of these are threaded into the narrative, so readers learn about things by inference from the words and deeds of the characters. However, there is at least one info-dump which needs re-worked or eliminated.

Scene/Setting
Excellent, vivid writing here!

Grammar

Comma Splices.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Overall, I think this is an excellent first chapter. It does what it needs to do, and the writing is professional. You use active verbs, you use the sensations to build characterization and sense of place, Boroden has clear goals, stakes, and obstacles. Everything is in place to launch an awesome novel. I've made several suggestions, but these are largely tweaks to a fine piece of writing.

Do write more chapters of the saga of Boroden! I almost never read fantasy, but this is good stuff!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Water drops fell like a barrage of arrows from the cave roof, and a thick chill penetrated through Boroden’s coat. He hugged his arms about himself against the cold and avoided the gaze of his companions. Damp, stagnant air probed his nostrils. Looking beyond the fitful light of the torches, the darkness was so dense that it threatened to swallow him.My Comment: This is a really awesome opening. You name the POV character in the first sentence and you use his sensations and subjective language to draw the readers into his head. You orient the reader in time and place, and let us know that he’s got companions near him.

I’ve got only one minor suggestion: move the phrase Water drops fell like a barrage of arrows from the cave roof after the phrase about the stagnant air probing his nostrils. The reason is that this phrase doesn’t establish POV in the same way the other parts of the opening do. The thick chill penetrates his coat, he reacts by hugging his arms, and then stagnant air penetrates his nostrils. These are subjective sensations (using great, active verbs!) that put the readers inside his head. Once there, the subjective description of the water droplets confirms we’re in his head. But, putting the same phrase in the first sentence feels like an omniscient narrator, standing outside the here-and-now of the story, giving a poetic description. The difference is small, but everything you can do put the readers inside Boroden’s head is positive, especially in the opening.

‘I’ve missed you too. I never thought I’d see you again after Krysila My Comment: Ok, we’ve heard about Aira, and Krysila, two characters who aren’t even present. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. We also learn Boroden is feeling guilt, and that he had a goal, namely finding a home for his clan, but his current goal is still unclear.

frowned mournfully at the memory.My Comment: “Frowned” is a perfectly good verb. It doesn’t need an adverb to pep it up. If you want to say he’s mourning, you could add something like “mourning pooled in his eyes,” but I’d rather have we have something more directly observable. He might evade Borodon’s gaze, for example, or there might be a quaver in his voice, or maybe his chin might quiver.

I refuse to give up hope that Aira will survive,’ Boroden said stubbornly.My Comment: I thought Aira was dead? Also, note the adverb.

A bloodcurdling shriek came from somewhere above them.My Comment: “Somewhere” makes this feel vague. Just “from above” suffices.

‘Aira’s alive!’ Boroden said.My Comment: Does that mean the shriek they just heard was hers? If so, don’t we need an emotional reaction from Boroden? Joy that she’s alive, but horror that she’s being tortured?

Torden’s sad frown twisted his lips beneath his tusk-like moustache. ‘She’ll not survive.’My Comment: Great description!
Bu, put the mustache gesture where he first appears and it becomes a memorable token of him. Here, it’s too late since the reader will have already “seen” him in their imagination.

Aira. He had to rescue her.My Comment: OK. Now we’ve got a goal for Boroden.

He glanced around the cave, ignoring his companions. My Comment: This launches a paragraph of background, related in narrative form. This breaks the fictional dream. Editors hate this kind of thing and call it an “info-dump.” Worse, it breaks the linear time of the opening since it remembers past events. Remember, you’ve got your entire novel to give this kind of information.

(I admit I rarely read fantasy, and I know that info-dumps often appear in fantasy novels. That's one reason I rarely read them. Lois McMaster Bujold has a whole series of fantasy novels, and you won't find a single info-dump in any of them. However, my aversion to info-dumps appears to be less than uniform among fantasy authors. Just an FYI.)

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

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Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

55

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4601977

Review of A mistaken identity

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "A mistaken identity"

by nat

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

This item consists of the opening chapters to a longer work. At 5500 words, it's longer than what I ordinarily review for "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

, so I read and commented only on the first chapter. If you want me to read subsequent chapters, please feel free to submit them, bearing in mind the 4000 word limit for "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

.

What I liked best
This story introduces us to a protagonist who has made a dreadful mistake that resulted in the death of a close friend and grave injury to another. She's trying to cope with the consequences, with the assistance of her psychiatrist. By the end of the first chapter, we learn of her remorse, her failed attempts at reconciliation with the family of the victim, and that her therapist is protecting a confidence that he cannot reveal to her. This sets up good tension for your opening, introduces a flawed but credible character, and gives her goals, stakes, and obstacles. From the standpoint of plot and character, this is an excellent start!!!

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

I have a couple of minor comments here. First, I don't think we ever learn the name of the female protagonist. I strongly recommmend you give us her name in the first sentence if at all possible. Knowing her name will help readers identify with her and sympathize with her plight.

Second, it's usually not a good idea to start with dialogue. Instead, it's better to first establish the point of view (more on point of view in a moment). That way you can orient the readers as to who is *hearing* the speech, which helps to draw them into the fictional world.

You do a pretty good job with answering the other basic questions (who, what, when, where, why, etc) that are needed to launch a coherent story.

Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything. In the line-by-line remarks below, I've tried to flag the various places where the point of view hops between characters.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

So, my primary recommendation for this chapter is to use the female protagonist for the point-of-view character. In terms of revisions, this is fairly minor. For example, instead of saying the attending physician saw something, describe WHAT she saw directly and then have her react (maybe her eyes widen, or she snaps out commands) that confirm that she saw it. All the places that I flagged should be revised to stay in the single point of view of the female lead.

I know it's a pain to revise, even in so modest a way as I suggest, but it will pay off in big dividends in terms of drawing the readers into your fictional world.

A second comment here deals with flashbacks. These can be an author's friend, but are hard to do in a first chapter. They work better in later chapters once the readers know your characters and their world. Also, to avoid confusing readers, it's important to have clear transitions from the fictional present to the fictional past. I noticed that initially we seemed to wobble a bit between the fictional present and the fictional past, so I'd avoid this, too.

Actually, what I'd recommend instead of the flashback is to START with the protagonist leaving the club, taking the keys, etc. I'd proceed in a linear fashion through the accident, the 911 call, the ambulance trip, the ER, and her waking in her room with Jason. The whole scene, from the drunken departure from the club to the ER, is a really powerful sequence and I think it would be stronger yet if you used it to launch the novel, so we'd see it evolve in the here-and-now of the characters rather than a flashback.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

Your hook appears to be a goal, but could readily be reframed as a decision or a dilemma, either of which would be a little stronger. In any case, learning the aftermath of the accident is a good hook.

Characters
Both the female protagonist and Jason are well-conceived characters. Despite her flawed decisions, the female lead is sympathetic and readers will want to cheer for her.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Most of my comments, especially those on point of view and the flashback, flow from the idea of the fictional dream. This refers to a technical aspect of craft, but it's still an important consideration. You have strong characters, a really strong plot, and a good hook. Tweaking this for more focused point of view and linear timelines would make the "fictional dream" stronger and thus build on the strengths you've already got.

Thanks for sharing, and do keep working on this novel!! It's concept is great, and the characterizations are excellent.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

b}

As she put her head down her eyes welled up with tears. And her mind went to earlier that morning.

My Comment: This appears to launch a flashback.

"You are dead to me!" She felt her body crumble from a heavy force that shook her whole being and passed out. Then she woke up back in the cell.My Comment: What appears to be a very brief flashback seems to end when she wakes “back in the cell.”

Tires screeched to a stop.My Comment: Now we seem to be back in the flashback...

Adam turned back to see the young guy half dazed, "You better hang on!" He yelled.My Comment: We’ve been in the female protagonist’s head up to this point, but here we hop into Adam’s head since we’re told what he sees.

"Adam! Adam!" She saw his lifeless body on the ground.My Comment: Now we’re back in the female protagonist’s head since we’re told what SHE sees.

She went to grab her cell in frantic, My Comment: in frantic...what? maybe in a frenzy?

Her knees buckled as she dropped to the floor. My Comment: So is she still inside the car? In my mind’s eye, she was still outside, having recovered her phone from the back seat.

A hand touched her lifeless body. She tried desperately to wake up but she couldn't. She just felt a sharp pain in her left side. My Comment: Several places you report what a character “felt,” “heard,” or otherwise sensed. This is a subtle form of telling. It’s better to first establish the point of view. Once the readers are inside the head of the POV character, then anything on the page is something they have sensed. In this case, it’s almost always more immediate and intimate to describe the sensation directly. You do exactly this in the first sentence where a hand touches her body. But in the last sentence, you tell us what she felt. It would be stronger to just say, “A sharp pain gripped her left side.” If you’re in her head, readers will infer she “felt” the pain. Indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw readers into her head and hence into the story. Also, the pain becomes an active element of the narrative when it “grips” her side.

The doctor exhaled deeply and was about to call it when she heard a soft beepMy Comment: Hops to the doctor’s head where we learn what she was about to do and what she heard.

As I think about this, you could end a scene with the female protagonist losing consciousness in the ambulance. You could then start a new scene with the physician in the ER, maybe drinking coffee or something when the ambulance arrives. Doing the entire ER scene in the physician's POV might work, except that I have the impression that the physician won't again appear. If Jason is on staff at the hospital and somehow learned she was hurt, you could use him as the POV character, observing the physicians work on her.

Just a thought. The point is you can have mulitple POV characters in your novel, but just one per scene.

Jason sat back in his chair and folded his arms across his neck gently brushing past his sandy blond hair and then moving across and down towards his face. "So what did you tell the officer?"My Comment: this appears to be the end of the flasback.

Flashes of how she got out of the club twirling and dancing. My Comment: More flashback in this paragraph

"It's okay, it's okay, you can't fight it, you have to let it play through and take its course."My Comment: For the rest of the chapter we appear to be in the fictional present, except it’s not the present of the opening paragraphs. In the opening paragraphs, Jason references “this morning” as the time of the accident, while in these ending paragraphs the accident appears to have happened a year ago.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

56

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4597787

Review of Breakthrough

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Breakthrough"

by Anni Pon

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I loved having a dog for the point-of-view character!! I also loved the twist at the end when the identity of the Master dovetailed with the earlier descriptions of him, like a key fitting a lock.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening answers the who, what, when, and where questions, although it's not until the last sentence of the first paragraph that it's clear that the first person narrator is a dog. Your opening paragraph also consists of the narrator stating facts, such as the Master is a funny man.

My main suggestion is to tweak the opening so that the readers are inside the narrator's head as soon as possible. Dogs live in a world of scents, so launching with smells and other internal sensations helps to do that. Of course, it's also important to know that the narrator is a dog, so you might have Master ruffle his ears and describe a thrill running down his spine setting his tail awag. These are minor tweaks, but I think they'd both be more immediate and intimate and pull the reader into the POV and the here-and-now more quickly.

Plot
Kurt Vonnegut once said every character should want something. Our narrator has simple wants that mostly center on satisfying his Master, and they are well-articulated. Master wants something, too, and he's seeking it in his notes toys. Both wants are fulfilled at the end, closing the circle.

Style and Voice
First person. No slips. Loved it.

Referencing
By appearances, this involves the discovery of the famous equation, right? Except from a dog's POV. That's hilarious and genius at the same time. However, the real "Master" was, at the time, living with his first wife in an apartment in Switzerland, and his spouse is nowhere to be found. So the historical referencing is a little off, but that's kind of beside the point and is a trivial quibble. I wouldn't change anything.

Scene/Setting
As noted above, I'd add more smells to the setting. Koontz uses a dog for the POV in a couple of chapters of "Dragon Tears." He's always getting distracted by the most interesting new smell. It's worth a look.

Characters
In real life, Master had a dog named Chico Marx. In an interview, he once said, "“The dog is very smart. He feels sorry for me because I receive so much mail. That’s why he tries to bite the mailman.” It would be fun if you could work this in somehow.

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I loved this story and the narrator! Thank you for sharing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Master has just hit his hand on his piles of toys loudly.My Comment: Note the adverb. How about, “Master just smashed his hand against his pile of toys.”

But I am not too worried. I know he will return shortly. He always does. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but he still comes back to sit with his toys, even when they make him angry. In the mean time, My Comment: typo: meantime is one word.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

57

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4597660

Review of March 1st, 2056

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "March 1st, 2056"

by LorenIsOneOfMyNames

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I enjoyed this tale of a dystopian future. As with all SciFi, it's really a commentary on today's events, including not only the pandemic but political dysfunction.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This is an effective opening: it sets the stage, answers the who, what, when, and where questions, and names your first-person narrator. It establishes the basic dilemma, as well, which is the lack of reliable information about the chaos of official reality, especially where it interacts with lived reality.

Plot
The plot revolves around the continuing decay of social order and disinformation from the official sources, along with Nat's growing suspicions about the politicians and rich people. She evolves a plan to counter this, but we never learn any details. Since she's a single student in high school (?), however, her plan seems to have little prospect for success.

Kurt Vonnegut once said that every character should want something, even if it's a glass of water. I think we need some clarity earlier about Nat's goals. Initially, they seem to be "lay low and not make waves," but they evolve over time. This evolution of her goals is her character arc, and is essential to the plot. Knowing the particulars of her plan is less relevant to the story than the changes she undergoes over the month.

Style and Voice
This story uses an epistolary style which uses journal entries to tell the story. This has a long tradition in literature, ranging from the original "Dracula" by Bram Stoker to "Fried Green Tomatoes" by Fannie Flagg.

One of the challenges to this approach is that the story usually winds up being told rather than shown. Your first person narrator does a reasonably good job of inserting the fictional present, the here-and-now of ongoing events, into her journal narratives. That's particularly true in the very first paragraph, that puts the reader inside her head and on that street.

The more that the journal entries show characters acting and speaking--as opposing to telling us that they acted and spoke--the stronger the story will be. This is because seeing things happen in real-time, through the words and deeds of the characters, is more immediate and intimate than narrating what happened. The durability of epistolary novels and short stories comes from authors achieving this balance between journal entries telling things and putting actual words in the mouths of the characters and actual deeds on pages. This is a difficult task, but you have mostly managed it.

Characters
Nat, her mother, and her father are all well-drawn and speak with distinctive voices.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is good short story. While we don't know the details of Nat's plan, Nat's story arc--which is the plot arc as well--goes from trying to fit in and not be noticed to standing up for the truth and fighting back--at least, that's the way I read it. I could wish that her struggle to change had played a little more obvious role in the events, but overall I think you did a good job with both the plot and the evolution of Nat's character.

Thanks for sharing, and by all means keep writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Truly, I didn't find anything to whine about in the body of the story.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

58

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4595426

Review of The Wishing Tree

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. I'm back with the third and final review from the autcion in "Tee-Up! for Charity"

.

Item Reviewed: "The Wishing Tree"

by fyn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I see that I have previously reviewed this story. I liked it then, and liked it again on my second reading. It's a love story that tugs at the heartstrings.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening does a great job of introducing the two characters, establishing their relationship, and setting them in motion. You establish the setting without tossing in extraneous details.

I have two suggestions for the opening, similar to my earlier review. First, the pronouns "her" and "his" in the second paragraph have no antecedents. This is the time to tell us the names of the husband and wife, not several paragraphs later. There's really no reason to keep the names secret, and good reasons to reveal them as early as possible. Knowing the names helps to draw readers into the story and into their heads.

Second, it's generally not a good idea to start with dialogue. Instead, it's better to first establish the point of view. Ultimately, we wind up in Sarah's head, but it takes quite a while before she's the definitive POV character. Instead of starting with Sarah speaking, which leaves the POV open, you might start with her sensing or feeling. Even something as simple as "Sarah's heart warmed at the sight of her husband Jaime buried under a blanket in front of the TV." Her "heart warming" at least establishes her emotional state, which only she knows for certain. In addition, this simple sentence names both characters in an unobtrusive way. If you wanted more foreshadowing, you might add something like, "Despite the bump of worry from the worrisome wrong number yesterday..." That would add some tension, and also reveal that Sarah wants something, namely to resolve the mystery of the phone call.

In any case, I think establishing the point of view early is important, however you do it. Once the readers are firmly in Sarah's head, then arguably everything on the page is something she's thought, seen, heard, or otherwise sensed. Having the POV in place increases the readers' connections to the story and makes it more immediate and intimate. It doesn't take much to establish the POV--just a short phrase as noted above. It pays big dividends, though.

Plot
A love story with and ending at once tragic and uplifting. Not easy to do, but you pulled it off with grace and elegance.

I did think the ending dragged a bit. The discovery of the fallen quarter is really the climax that leads to the decision to wait and bury the ashes together. I'd try to get to the conclusion of the shimmering tree a bit sooner. Indeed, you might consider foreshadowing the shimmer the tree earlier, when Sarah and Jaime place new quarters in the tree, depending on your intention for the symbolism of the shimmer.

Style and Voice
Because the POV is uncertain until fairly late in the story, this could be mostly an omniscient narrator. This is a style that has all but disappeared in modern literature in favor of either first person narrators (about 30% of all fiction) or third person limited (the overwhelming majority of the remainder). There are good reasons why omniscient narrators have more or less vanished from published fiction having to drawing readers into the fictional world. My main suggestion for this story is to establish the POV as early as possible. This is an almost trivial change to make, but has significant benefits.

Referencing
Modern era. well, you might have them take a photo with their mobile phone, but that's certainly not needed.

Scene/Setting
Certainly sufficient for staging--I could tell where the characters were in relation to each other. On the trail to the tree, you might consider adding scent to sensation pallette. Smell is particularly tied to memory and could make the scene more intimate.

Characters
Both characters speak with unique and believable voices. The children, likewise, have credible dialogue that contributes to the overall story.

Grammar
I found a single typo--see the line-by-line comments.

Just my personal opinion
I really enjoyed this story. It's affirming, without being maudlin. My only real suggestion involves POV, and it would be trivial to make this change if you agree. Thank you for sharing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Sarah and Jaime drove just outside of town and he parked on a back road. My Comment: 150 words in before we learn the names of the characters. It would have been easy to show them as early as the first paragraph. BTW, we still don’t have a clear indication of which one provides the POV.

His brow furrowed, but then he grinned.My Comment: From the phrasing here, I infer we’re in Sarah’s POV. If we were in Jaime’s, I would have expected “he furrowed his brow...” Still, this is kind of an indirect way of deducing this.

I could hear you and be apart of your life againMy Comment: typo: be a part...two words.

He laughed, as she'd meant him to.My Comment: With "as she'd meant...", we have the first certain indication that we’re in her head.

Behind them, a quarter slipped and fell to the ground.My Comment: I understand the foreboding, but neither of them could see this, so it’s either a POV violation or an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling the reader things.

And there it was. His 1952 quarter. My Comment: This makes the earlier omniscient bit unnecessary. The earlier bit also gives away what will happen next, so it reduces tension rather than increasing it.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

59

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4595149

Review of Finding Home

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. I'm back with the second review from the auction at "Tee-Up! for Charity"

.

Item Reviewed: "Finding Home"

by fyn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is a heartwarming story about family and home. Who couldn't fall for that?

Opening
While I liked the story quite a lot, there are some structural things that I think could be changed.

First, the frame for the story is that narrator is filming an interview for a book she's s written. Thus we start and end with her interacting with the interviewer, and there is one little blip of where the interviewer gestures her to continue. The heart of the story, though, is what she actually says during the interview. Thus, the story really starts when she says, "It started my name changed..."

Notice there is also a time reversal at this point, where we go from the fictional present of the interview to the fictional past of her narrative, then revert to the fictional present at the end. This is actually a clever technique for launching a flashback and then for returning the reader to the fictional present.

But here's the thing. We spend less than 200 words in the fictional present, meeting the characters, absorbing where she's at, and then suddenly we're in a new setting, with new characters. This leap runs the risk of pulling readers out of the here-and-now of events since, in fact, that is *exactly* what it's supposed to do. This disrupts the normal linear flow and has a tendency to disconnect the readers' still-fragile connections with the story.

In longer works--a novel, for example--flashbacks can be the author's friend. But almost all editors will caution against time reversals in short fiction precisely because they disrupt the readers' connections with the characters, the setting, and other aspects of the story.

Another issue is that it is only in the framing sections at the start and end that anyone actually speaks. The entirety of middle, which is the heart of the story, is narrated. We learn what people said without hearing the specific words. We learn what the narrator did without actually seeing her *do* it--she tells us what happened as opposed to showing it.

Just for example, you might have the narrator and her mother arrive at the new school, and have the teacher gush, "We're so happy to have Abigail join us. Her IQ is abnormally high even for our gifted classes." Then she could hear a kid loitering nearby mutter "Abbynormal," and you could show her reaction to this sequence of events. That brings the whole sequence to life and reinforces the here-and-now.

Another quibble--it's generally not a good idea to start with someone speaking. That leaves open *who* is speaking and who is hearing the speech, i.e., it leaves the point-of-view open. Even here, where you instantly resolve this with an "I said," that follows the speech. While reading the speech, the reader is left in the dark as to the fundamental context of who is speaking and who is hearing. That's why it's generally better to start with the point-of-view character sensing or feeling rather than speaking or acting. In the context of your opening, you might have the studio lights glare and unease make her squirm in the too-hard seat. Internal sensations help to draw readers into her head.

One final note, the gender and name of the narrator aren't revealed until the fifth paragraph. The sooner we know these things, the better.

Plot
I'm going to repeat the quote from Vonnegut here: every character should want something, even if it's a glass of water.

The plot is Abigail's life story. As a youth, she wanted to be her own person and find her own way, right? But her path was unsettled, so she must have wanted something else beyond novelty that caused her path to take so many turns. When she finally "settled down," she found what she really wanted, namely home. So, like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, she eventually learns "there's no place like home," but home is where the heart is instead of a place.

I do think that this goal--finding her place in the world--and realizing that it's not a place but a state of being is the message and character arc. It's kind of the classic "hero's journey," where she starts in that high school, enters the world with many adventures, and returns to the prosaic world--Michigan in this case--and brings the wisdom of her journey with her.

While I love this plot, I can only repeat what I said above about showing as opposed to telling. This story really needs to be longer, with more real-world slices of life on her journey. Show one time in detail when she couldn't find a new place for the Christmas tree and relocated, showing how her children reacted and how she felt. Show the start--or maybe the end--of one whirlwind romance. If you've seen the movie "Before Sunrise," that's the kind of slice-of-life I'm thinking of.

Okay, one final note. She's fifty when she finally settles down in Michigan, right? We know she's got chidren. I infer from what you've written that her husband already has grown children, too. It's possible, I suppose, that they had children together, but seems unlikely. This means that some of the latter events are missing in details about blending these two families.

Style and Voice
First person. I really wish this story had been third person limited. I think that would have resulted in a much more immediate and intimate experience.

Scene/Setting
This is mostly absent. Similarly, except for the two framing mini-scenes, action is mostly absent. It's all narration. The scene is important to suggest where things happen, where the characters are in relation to each other, and to establish the mood. The scene also reveals what the POV characters sees and how she reacts to it, so it can deepen characterization. All of this argues for less narration and more showing.

Characters
Abigail is a great character who eventually has an epiphany. Her story arc is one worth writing about and readers will feel is worth knowing.

Grammar
The only grammatical quibble I had was the use of parenthetic comments. Every editor I've dealt with--even in math journals--has hated them and made me take them out. If you must break the thought of the sentence with an interjection, it's generally better to use em-dashes.

Just my personal opinion
The theme and superstructure of this story--Abigail's life--are awesome. I enjoyed reading it this morning. As with my prior review, I see I've made more comments than I ordinarily would...I hope you feel you're getting your moneys' worth for my reviews!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

(at yet another new school) My Comment: Editors tend to deprecate parenthetic comments in favor of the em-dash.

That's it. I jammed all my comments in the earlier parts of the review.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

60

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4594982

Review of Of Grey Eyes and Garnet Hearts

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. Max here. This is the first of my reviews for the "Tee-Up! for Charity"

auction.

Item Reviewed: "Of Grey Eyes and Garnet Hearts"

by fyn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This was a visceral story to read. It brought home the horror and sudden brutality of war, along with heroism of of soldiers.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

The first paragraph establishes the first person narrator and gives him a goal, while the second paragraph establishes the what, when, and where answers as well as the folly of his original goal. In a sense, this puts him adrift and without a goal, which sets up the plot.

I note in passing that we don't know the narrator's name nor do we know his gender. In the third paragraph, we can guess he must be male since he's six-feet-two, although that doesn't strictly rule out being female. Establishing these to things--gender and name--early helps to put readers in his head.

Style and Voice
First person. No slips. However, first person is inherently more difficult to write than third person limited, and some of the challenges are apparent in this short story. For example, establishing the narrator's name and gender tends to be a bit harder. One of the reasons first person is more challenging is that it's how we tell stories in real life. Over the evening meal, we'll tell about our day, relating amusing, annoying, or at least diverting incidents. The problem is that we are *telling* the story, not showing it. With a first person narrator, the temptation to tell as opposed to show is almost irresistable. See my comments below on narrated content.

Plot
An ambush in Iraq.

Referencing
This all felt real. Visceral, in fact. Good job.

Scene/Setting
See above. I thought there were good details throughout that brought the setting to life.

Characters
Kurt Vonnegut once said that every character should want something, even if it's just a glass of water. It's clear that Fitzgerald wanted to escape from his suffocating life in Arizona, but realized too late that the path he chose didn't provide what he sought. Thus, I would have expected him to find a different goal after what he went through. There's a hint that he's done that, or will do that, so maybe that's sufficient. However, I would have liked a bit more closure.

We never get an explicit goal for Dalton. She's certainly concerned for Fitzgerald and does whatever is necessary to protect him. She lived--and died--for others. That didn't quite get articulated in the conversations that preceded the ambush, although she did want to tell a "good news" story. We infer her goals through her actions, but the conversations might have set this up a little better.

The sergeant speaks, but none of the other characters are brought to life. I think the chaos and horror of the ambush would be more graphic and emotionally compelling if we saw what happened to one of the joking soldiers from earlier.

Grammar
One comma splice, which isn't really an error. Otherwise, it's all good.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I promised an in-depth review with the package, so you're getting more comments than I'd ordinarily provide. This is an excellent, heart-wrenching story. The comments I've made all deal with showing rather than telling. These are little tweaks, but I think they would increase the emotional impact of the story by better linking the readers to the here-and-now and to the minor characters.

Thank you for asking me read this story. Although I never saw combat, I'm a veteran and I recognize the comradeship and commitment of military personnel that this story describes.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

I'm sitting in the back of a Hummer packed tight with six other soldiers. The stench is so bad in here, I don't think anyone's had a shower in a week. Elbows fight for room with M-16s. I'm six-foot two: My knees are up around my shoulders. We are on the road to An Nasinyah. I'll be filming a story about the troops. A morale booster, I was told back at camp. Sure. I just hit the sandbox two days ago. I have no idea what is going on except that I feel like I'm the only one that is scared to death. My Comment: There is much to like in this paragraph. You use smell to help establish the close quarters, and have the elbows “fight” the M-16s for room. His knees are at his shoulders due to his six-feet-two frame. Those are all excellent, active images. But then it devolves to the author stating a bunch of facts. They are on the road to An Nasinyah. He’s been told to film a morale-boosting story. He just arrived, doesn’t know what’s going on, and he’s scared to death. These aren’t bad bits of information, but they are missed opportunities at showing as opposed to telling. He might fumble with his camera with nervous fingers, for example, or take a shuddering breath that he hopes no one notices. Fear might clench his stomach and sweat might burn his eyes. Eventually the paragraph ends with him eyeing the other journalist, and again has good, active images that including the Hummmer bouncing around.

They are joking around, pee arching as they try to swamp the bug. My Comment: It wouldn’t take much to show them joking, doubtless in a gross way, as opposed to telling us they were joking around. This is relatively minor, but it’s one of the missed opportunities to show that I mentioned above. Showing them joking around makes them more real, which makes the later events even more traumatic.

The blond stepped to the far side of the hummer, dropped her fatigues and took care of business.My Comment: This must be the Navy journalist, although her hair color wasn’t mentioned earlier.

PFC Fitzgerald, 44th Cav I tell her. MC3 Dalton, USS Ronald Reagan she answers with a smile. She tells me we have about another hour to ride and so we've time to come up with an angle for the story. Like I can even hold my camera steady. She asks about which equipment I'm using and she nods, knowing it well.My Comment: Here and in the paragraphs that follow you tell us what they say—narrate the conversation—as opposed to showing it. Given the critical role she plays in the story, this is a missed opportunity to bring her to life. Putting words in her mouth, revealing the cast of her eyes, the quirk of her mouth, or her body language makes her more real for the readers. This would give the ending more punch.

I need to talk. We exchange the short versions of our lives.My Comment: In this paragraph you narrate the conversation as opposed to putting actual words in their mouths.

She seems relaxed, comfortable even. My Comment: With this paragraph, we do get some of her body language, but it’s separated from the conversation itself. It’s the author, intruding, to tell us things as opposed to showing it in the there-and-now of ongoing events.

Yeah, you are, you're bleeding.'My Comment: Comma splice—i.e., you’ve joined two independent clauses with a comma when a semicolon or period would be better. Technically, this isn’t a mistake, but every editor I’ve ever worked with has made me revise these.

It's dark out. My belly feels like it's on fire. Where am I? Oh. Yeah. Shit. 'Dalton?' I holler.My Comment: Here, we actually hear the characters speak. It’s much more effective at bringing the here-and-now of the battle to life.

It's cold.My Comment: Maybe a sudden chill makes his teeth chatter? Something to show he’s cold as opposed to telling us a fact.

She tells me our convoy was hit big time.My Comment: And now we’re back to narrated conversation....

I salute Mrs. Dalton. Her eyes are Dalton's eyes looking at me. My Comment: I’d consider putting the line about never forgetting her eyes here as opposed to where it’s at above. It leaves a bit of ambiguity about whose eyes he will never forget, but the mother’s and daughter’s eyes are the same, via the preceding sentence.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

61

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585976

Review of Halloween Battle in Shibuya

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Halloween Battle in Shibuya"

by Kotaro

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of craft. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
Positronic robots, disguised as baseball greats, fighting alien demons on Halloween. What's not to like?

Opening paragraph. (15/20 points)
The opening did a pretty good orienting the reader to the zany events that are about to unfold, but I think could have been more effective at showing rather than telling.

Point of view. (8/10 points)
First person, er, robot, in Ty-Cobb-AI head. No slips in POV, although I felt some confusion about exactly what sort of being was doing the narrating. For example, there's mention of "lungs" and subjective sensations like "stale" scents and "cool" air, so I'm not sure if this is a cyborg-type biological/automaton mix.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(18/20 points)
While the opening had a lot of narrated background, once the action started you did a great job.

Effective use of prompt. (20/20 points)
Effective and creative incorporation of the images in the prompt into the story.

Characters. (10/20 points)
While not quite part of the characterization, I was a bit confused about other plot elements. For example, this battle is the most recent of a series that started at least 10,000 years ago, so I'm wondering who built the positronic brains and how long they've individually been fighting? Are these "good-guy" aliens, or human demon-fighters-hidden-in-our-midst? Mystery is fine, but I wonder if more clarity would let readers focus more on the here-and-now instead of wondering what was really going on.

Technical proficiency. (10 points) /

Total points. /100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

62

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585975

Review of Magrev's Mistake

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Magrev's Mistake"

by Beholden

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of craft. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I like stories with a twist, and this one certainly delivered!

Opening paragraph. (15/20 points)
You did a good job orienting the reader and in establishing the point of view. It took a while, though, to get to Magrev's goals, stakes, and obstacles. Once there, however, tension built nicely.

Point of view. (7/10 points)
Third person limited, in Magrev's head. As the explosion erupted, however, it felt like an omniscient narrator emerged, standing to one side, describing what occurred rather that staying inside Magrev's head.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(12/20 points)
Good, vivid descriptions. However, there was quite a bit of telling as opposed to showing. For example, every time you say something like "he saw," or "he felt," or told us what he sensed in other ways, it's a subtle form of telling. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for the readers if you describe directly what he sensed; since you've established his point of view, they will infer that he "sensed" it. If you want to emphasize this, you can always have him react in some way.

Effective use of prompt. (20/20 points)
Effective use of image in the descriptions of Magrev arising from the grave.

Characters. (15/20 points)
Magrev was a credible character. I'm not sure he would have been able to read the sign at the crossroads, however, which would have been written in modern Russian. The Cyrillic script in use at the time of the Khan's invasion of the Kievan Rus would have been quite different. MOreover, while the reader understands the significance of the sign, Magrev doesn't, which I think somewhat weakens the twist. Finally, Magrev's thirst becomes a factor in the latter parts of the story, so I'd suggest adding it as an earlier element. It could serve as a metaphor for his goals, for example.

Technical proficiency. (10/10 points)

Total points. 79/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

63

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585973

Review of The Wizard's Letter

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "The Wizard's Letter"

by Quick-Quill

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of craft. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
The first paragraph drew me right in!

Opening paragraph. (19/20 points)
An almost perfect first paragraph. You name your POV character, establish that he's on a journey, and is a novice magician. My only suggestion would be to have Randy reacting to the plane's shudder in the first paragraph, thus establishing the POV from the start.

Point of view. (10/10 points)
3rd person limited, in Randy's head. No slips.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(12/20 points)
While you generally revealed information through the words and deeds of your characters, I felt there was a lot missing in this story. indeed, it felt almost as if it were a first chapter in much longer piece. Just some examples: the nature of Randy's mission is unresolved; why did they pick him up at the subway via a magic spell instead of taking him from his hotel room, or the airport?; Thelma and Lucas appear and then just disappear without explanation. Finally, the story just kind of stops rather than ending. I admit I might have missed something, but this felt more like a fragment than a story.

Effective use of prompt. (12/20 points)
While your descriptions were well done, overall this felt tacked on for the reasons noted above.

Characters. (12/20 points)
We primarily meet Randy. We know he's got a goal, but it's never spelled out. It looks like Lucas and Thelma are obstacles, but that 's not clear either. The stakes--what bad thing happens if he doesn't achieve his goal--is also unclear. For this reason, while Randy is reasonably well-drawn, what he's trying to achieve is unclear.

Technical proficiency. (9/10 points)
One or two minor typos, otherwise fine.

Total points. 74/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

64

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585972

Review of The Rising

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "The Rising"

by Espero

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of craft. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I love it when fiction brings folktales to life, and this one delivered.

Opening paragraph. (15/20 points)
Your opening names your protagonist and orients the reader in time and place. It gives Bruce a goal--finding a new occupation away from the bayou--so it also presages the plot.

A couple of suggestions for improvement. First, I think this would be stronger if it including Bruce interacting with the fictional world, especially if the interaction included sensing or other subjective responses that helped to draw the reader into his head. You could convey the same information, for example, by having him wrinkle his nose at the foul scent of fish or pollution from the oil fields, or weariness might drag at his steps after a long haul at sea with the fishing fleet. Secondly, it would be better if the opening suggested what kind of story this would be--it's essentially a story about voodoo and possession, but adding a hint of the supernatural would help set the tone.

Point of view. (5/10 points)
This story is mostly in Bruce's head, so it's nominally third person limited. However, the POV wobbles on occasion--for example, at the end where we're in Matt's head. In other place, an omniscient narrator intrudes, standing outside the story looking in, describing things. I realize you are writing against a word limit, but revealing necessary information through the words and deeds of the characters rather than through narration is generally more immediate and intimate for readers.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(12/20 points)
See above on narrated elements.

Effective use of prompt. (10/20 points)
The descriptions of the figure in the moonlight were effective and a creative and original use of the prompt.

Characters. (15/20 points)
Bruce has a goal--leaving the bayou and finding a new job. The stakes--what bad thing happens if he doesn't acheive the goal--are less clear, and the obstacle appears to be inertia. I think sharpening stakes and obstacles, and making them better connect with the voodoo elements of the story, would increase tension and thus improve the story.

Technical proficiency. (8/10 points)
No grammatical errors or other technical flaws, although there are several instances of passive voice. These tend to put readers in a passive, receptive mood when instead you want them to be your partners, actively imagining your fictional world.

Total points. 75/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

65

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585971

Review of The Frog King

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "The Frog King"

by DoXx, The Renegade Monkey

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of craft. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I confess I abhor the current occupant of the White House as much as you seem to, so the portrayal in this piece certainly got a sympathetic ear.

Opening paragraph. (15/20 points)
Your opening starts with disembodied voices speaking. This does reveal where they are and what they are doing, but both characters disappear from the story and we subsequently learn that Trump is the POV character. Generally, it's stronger to start with your POV character doing and sensing, so that you draw readers into his head.

Point of view. (8/10 points)
this is mostly third person limited in Trump's head, although there are diversions--for example both the opening and closing paragraphs.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(15/20 points)
This is kind of a mixed bag. We get some insights as to what is going on through the words and deeds of the characters, but other places through author narration.

Effective use of prompt. (10/20 points)
Certainly the image in the prompt is at the center of the plot.

Characters. (10/20 points)
So, just to be clear, I despise Trump.

There's certainly a long literary tradition of portraying historical figures in fiction, even horrific sociopaths. Solzhenitsyn's portrayals of Stalin in his novels come to mind. They showed deep insight in his psychopathy and the darkness of his soul, almost as if they were informed not just by the diagnostic and clinical manuals but by personal experience. I'd commend these novels to you as examples.

Stalin certainly never had any self-doubt, and I'm certain Trump never will either. Thus, the actions portrayed in this story aren't credible in terms of the real-life character. However, your Trump is, after all, a fictional character, so the actions of your character have to be credible divorced from what the readers think or know about the real-life character. You do a better job with this, but I'm still not sure that the actions are credible from a fictional perspective.

Technical proficiency. (4/10 points)
There are many typos in the copy. It sometimes helps to read your copy line-by-line backwards. That way, you'll focus on the text rather than the actual story and can better find errors.

Total points. 62/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

66

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585970

Review of Halloween Day, The Cat Inside The Moon

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Halloween Day, The Cat Inside The Moon"

by Anna Marie Carlson

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of craft. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I enjoyed this paean to forgiveness and acceptance, where opposites complement each other and live in harmony instead of eternal conflict and destruction. Would that the world could find such peace!

But...while I liked this quite a lot, it's not really a story. It's filled with allegory and metaphor, but has not characters. The essence of plot involves building and then resolving tension, but this is all about the absence of tension.

Like a classic paean, this is a song of thanksgiving for life in all its diversity. It's wonderful and emotive, but it's a challenge to rate in a contest intended for short stories. As you will see, my "rating" scheme breaks down on this unconventional piece.

Opening paragraph. (5/20 points)
Your opening certainly reveals that isn't a conventional story but rather an extended allegory. Since from the outset it's an abstraction, readers are by design distanced from what's happening on the page. While distancing of this type can work well in theatre and even cinema, it's much harder to pull off as written fiction where the entire fictional world happens in the readers' heads.

Orwell's Animal Farm is allegory, too, with the farm animals serving as archetypes. But they are recognizable and believable as characters, too, and readers have an emotional connection with them. It's the emotional connection to the characters that I'm missing in this opening.

Point of view. (10/10 points)
Omnscient.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(0/20 points)
Well, usually this means revealing information through the words and deeds of the characters, except there are no characters in the conventional sense. This is all narrated, told by a third person who stands outside events and describes them. There is no here-and-now in which people actually speak to each other, smell the scents of the world, feel the heat of passion or the agony of pain. So, since by design it's all narrated--told--and not shown, my scoring scheme breaks down.

Once again, it's the emotional connection to a living, breathing character that I find missing.

Effective use of prompt. (20/20 points)
Most authors found evil in the prompt. You found hope, forgiveness, and redemption. Kudos for the most original and creative use of the prompt.

Characters. (5/20 points)
Points for the many allegories and archetypes.

Technical proficiency. (9/10 points)
There were a couple of minor grammatical errors--most notably "donkey's" for "donkeys."

Total points. 49/100

Please don't place too much weight on the "score." My judging duties require that I rank-order what I think are the top ten stories. If I used the ratings as my sole guide, this story would not make the top ten. However, I can assure that it DID make my top ten since, while unconventional, it's creative and well written.

I'm using the scoring system to help me consistently rank-order conventional stories. I recognize that my scoring system is flawed for this particular piece since it's slanted toward conventional short stories. When constructing my "best ten" list, I use the ratings as a guide but try to view the stories holistically as well, so yours is in my "best ten" list.

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

67

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585959

Review of ME, MY FRIEND, AND HALLOWEEN NIGHT

Review by

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "ME, MY FRIEND, AND HALLOWEEN NIGHT "

by dogpack:saving 4 premium: DWG

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of craft. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I like stories where the point-of-view character isn't sure what's real and what's illusion, so of course I liked this one!

Opening paragraph. (17/20 points)
The opening orients the reader in time and place. It also launches the plot by describing the setting and showing the protagonist following the bonds of friendship despite the forbidding surroundings. I wish that you had named the protagonist and given him (or her?) some subjective sensations to better put the readers in the POV character's head.

Point of view. (10/10 points) f
First person; no slips.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(15/20 points)
There is certainly effective showing here, but there are also bits of the story that are narrated rather than shown. The narrated bits often follow, as if to emphasize, places where you show the narrator's reactions.

Effective use of prompt. (17/20 points)
I thought you did a good job with the prompt, although the descriptions might have been a bit more detailed and visceral. As an aside, I would have had the same challenges you noted in the forward to the story.

Characters. (15/20 points)
The narrator has a goals--initially to see his friend and later to escape to his home. The threat of his surroundings provides the obstacle to achieving his goal and also constitutes the stakes if he fails. Goals, stakes, and obstacles are essential to strong characterization. The other main character, his friend, barely appears in the story except as an abstraction. I think this would be stronger if his spoke, and we knew more of his goals, stakes, and obstacles.

Technical proficiency. (2/10 points)
There are numerous typos in the story as well as a couple of comma errors.

Total points. 76/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

68

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585957

Review of Wandering Souls

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Wandering Souls"

by Wickedfugitive

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of craft. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I enjoyed this creative and original take on the Reaper, or perhaps the Reaper's assistants.

Opening paragraph. (18/20 points)
Awesome opening! My only suggestion would be to name your POV character. Knowing his name helps to draw readers into his head.

Point of view. (10/10 points)
First person. Perfect choice for this story, and no slips.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(15/20 points)
Good, strong descriptions, but I had some problems with the plot so I'll bring them up here.

When Annie first appears, the narrator says:
I didn't gasp because I couldn't but I'd had a realization of my own. "You're the banshee. A woman was talking about you at the Tate monument. You've keened your brother's death."My Comment: This was a bit confusing since it references events that aren’t mentioned earlier. Also, as nearly as I can tell, her brother hasn’t died yet—that happens in the next scene.

Another point is that use of the word "keen" here and elsewhere is unusual. "Keen" as a verb generally means to wail in grief, usually for a dead person. But I have the strong sense that you're using it to mean a more supernatural "sensing" of the death and the migration of the soul. I don't have a problem with the concept, but using "keen" in this fashion forced me stop and think about the meaning. The verb "ken" would fit with what I infer is the intended meaning, but "keen" is not a participle of "ken." Anyway, it made me go off and explore archaic uses and other blind alleys instead of pulling me into the story.

Effective use of prompt. (17/20 points)
I can see that the image inspired the story, but the image itself didn't seem to play a significant part.

Characters. (20/20 points)
I liked both the main characters and found them to fully featured and well drawn. Good job.

Technical proficiency. (8/10 points)
A few minor typos--"it's" for "its," for example.

Total points. 88/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

69

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585954

Review of Sekhmet's Return

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Sekhmet's Return"

by Graham Muad'dib

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of craft. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I love stories that bring to life the mythology of ancient Egypt, so of course I loved this story!

Opening paragraph. (17/20 points)
Your opening names your point-of-view character, puts her in action by having her sense and interact with her fictional world, and establishes what the story will be about.

Readers are fragile critters, and easy to confuse. While it's clear that the story is happening at sunset, it took a bit to understand they were outside an abandoned warehouse and about to enter. The reference to the skylights framing the sunset suggest to me that they were inside, but then I wondered how they could see the sunset through skylights? So, I was momentarily confused by the location.

Point of view. (8/10 points)
Third person limited, in Dominique's point of view. However, this wobbled a bit--for example, the phrase, [April] "put more muscle into it" slips for just a moment into April's head. If instead you wrote something like, "April's features hardened with determination and shoved again," you'd be describing something Dominque would have observed, and the readers could infer from this observation that she "put more muscle into it."

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(20/20 points)
All of the essential information came via the words and deeds of the characters. You established that their parent was an archeologist, which explains why Dominique knows Egyptian mythology, so when she talks about this to Malika, it's not an info-dump where the characters tell each other things they already known. Good work!

Effective use of prompt. (20/20 points)
Clever use of the prompt.

Characters. (20 points)

Technical proficiency. (10 points)
No problems!

Total points. 95/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

70

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585951

Review of Nightmares

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Nightmares"

by THANKFUL SONALI 17 WDC YEARS!

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of craft. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I've served on many academic committees and your portrayal brought an amused smile to my face. I hope that I was as enlightened an administrator as Mr. Ravindran!

Opening paragraph. (12/20 points)
The opening needs to fulfill many tasks. It should answer most or all of the basic who, what, when, where, how, and why questions. It should name the protagonists. Most importantly, it should draw the readers into the fictional world.

We eventually learn that the story begins with a curriculum review committee, and that it's mostly in Natasha's point of view. But this opening scene is largely an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling the reader things. Both in telling--as opposed to showing--and being outside the story looking in, this distances the readers from the fictional world.

The opening paragraph to the third scene, as Jayesh enters the principal's office, is much better. We start with Jayesh feeling and acting--so you are showing as opposed to telling--and we're oriented as to the who, what, and where, and why questions. That's the kind of thing that would make the opening paragraph to the story more effective.

Point of view. (7/10 points)
The first two scenes are in Natasha's POV and the final two in Jayesh's. The latter three scenes all do a good job of establishing and maintaining the POV.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(18/20 points)
There's some great showing in this story, but there's a lot of telling, too. Consider this passage from the opening paragraph:

Nobody shuffled or coughed or surreptitiously checked their phone. The matter being discussed was serious and all of them were interested in the outcome of this meeting.

The first sentence is great: it uses description and absence of action to show the attitude of the participants. But then you tell us that the matter was "serious." If you had conveyed this information by describing, say, the expressions on the faces of the committee members, you would have continued showing as opposed to telling. There are similar little bits where the narrative falls into telling, often directly after some awesome bits of showing.

Effective use of prompt. (20/20 points)
I remember looking at this prompt and thinking, "what is that?" That's how the committee reacted, but the characters had deeper insight and found meaning where others saw none. So, I really liked this aspect of the story and thought it was both clever and creative.

Characters. (18/20 points)
All of the characters spoke with distinct voices and were three dimensional and well-formed. Good job!

Technical proficiency. (10/10 points)
I didn't find any notable errors.

Total points. 85/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

71

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585949

Review of Blind Revenge 🥇

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Blind Revenge 🥇"

by Roari ∞

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of craft. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I enjoyed the detailed and well-conceived mythology of this story. I also enjoyed the clarity in characterization and plotting.

Opening paragraph. (18/20 points)
THis is an excellent opening. You name your protagonist and establish her point of view by having her sense elements of her environment. You orient the reader in time and place. You establish what kind of story this will be. By the ending of opening scene, you've also given your protagonist a goal, established the stakes, and outlined the obstacles.

This is easily one of the most effective openings among this round's entries. My only quibble is a minor one. The first "them" in the opening paragraph has no antecedent. We learn in the next sentence that "they" are Jenna's father and siblings, so I'd recommend interchanging the two: use "father and siblings" where " them" appears, and "them" where "father and siblings" appears. It's both clearer and better grammar.

Another minor point. You've established Jenna's point of view in the first sentence and done so in a way that puts readers in her head. Arguably, then, everything that follows is something Jenna sees, thinks, or otherwise knows. However, the POV doesn't get reinforced, so by the time we get to the paragraph that starts, "Some say..." it feels like an omniscient narrator is standing outside the story, telling the reader things. It would be an easy tweak to add a phrase or two to reinforce that these are things Jenna knows or is thinking and would increase the intimacy and immediacy of events.

Point of view. (9/10 points)
Third person limited, with Jenna. No slips. Well, until the end, where the omniscient narrator again intrudes to tell us what Death has decided.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(18/20 points)
I understand that this story bumps up against the word limit. I suspect this is the reason that the middle section, where Jenna learns how to cast spells, is largely narrarted. The other sections, with the Widows, with Perrezo, with Veldassae, and her final conflict with the General are all shown through the words and deeds of the characters. A few hundred words would permit the same in the middle section. I agree that if any section had to be told, this is the one. My suggestion is that if you revise this story, you add in those few words so the whole thing is shown.

The character arc closes and tension resolves when Jenna returns to Jerran. The last line, which slips out of Jenna's head, felt tacked on. If there were a way to have Death whisper in her ear, perhaps while a wind whips her hair and chills her soul, I think the ending would be more integrated into the story arc. Indeed, if there could be some ambiguity--are Jenna's battles unfinished vs. she's the next General--so much the better.

Effective use of prompt. (20/20 points)
Good use of the prompt right at the beginning. Loved the "murder of crows!"

Characters. (20/20 points)
Goals, stakes, and obstacles are the basis of plot, tension, and character arc. You've established and maintained these with admirable clarity.

Technical proficiency. (8/10 points)
I found a few comma errors and a couple of minor typos.

Total points. 95/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

72

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4580842

Review of Skeletons in the Attic - Chapter One

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Skeletons in the Attic - Chapter One"

by KD Miller

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
There are many historical threads here that promise a complex plot, ranging from the Civil War to the Beatles' first US tour. I was intrigued by the location--Woodville, Oklahoma--which is now under the waters of Lake Texoma near Durant. I'm always intrigued by the stories that underpin places like this--the lives and legends of the people now mostly gone. So, I enjoyed reading this since it promises to connect so much history.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

The first page of this chapter--and much of the remainder--is all narrated background information. The first page is all about Adrian telling us about himself and his family. It's almost always more immediate and intimate to reveal these things through the words and deeds of your characters, by having them interact with each other and your fictional world.

Once Uncle Theodore shows, we do have the two of them interacting, but it's mostly talking rather than doing. They spend their time sitting there on the dock, telling each other things. Even the incident in Sicily, which is apparently the precipitating incident for Adrian's story, is told rather than shown.

We're told things about Adrian's emotional state rather than having it be shown. It's not clear to me why you kept the information about why he's upset secret, only to reveal it along about page four. On the plus side, we do see Adrian's affection for his Uncle when he helps him get to his feet without being asked. This good deed helps to put readers on his side and cheer for him.

However, it's not at all clear what Adrian wants. While there are many unanswered questions in this chapter, there's not a lot of tension--more on that below.

I know there are many novels with similar slow starts. Readers can be patient, waiting for action to occur and tension to increase. But sooner or later, we'll need to have more than people talking to each other.

Characters Kurt Vonnegut said that every character should want something, even if it's a glass of water. This is especially true of your protagonist. They should want, or at least need, something. They need a goal. The goal has to matter--something bad should happen if the character fails to achieve the goal. These are the stakes. Finally, something or someone has to stand in the way of the character realizing their goal--there has to be an obstacle. Goals and obstacles create conflict. The outcome of the conflict matters because of the stakes. These three work together to create tension. You can increase tension by raising the stakes, clarifying the goals, or increasing the obstacles. Tension is the energy that propels your novel and keeps readers turning pages.

I'm not clear on Adrian's goal, nor am I clear on Theodore's, nor that of any other character. I kind of see that Adrian's goal might be to understand his family history, but this is a low-stakes goal. Moreover, apparently his Uncle is about to tell him the history, so the barrier to achieving the goal is low.

I think both Adrian and Theodore need clearer goals. The stakes need to spelled out, along with the obstacles. In short, I think we need more tension.

Plot
I can see that you have a complex plot and we'll learn over the course of the novel. This is a good thing, but see above about tension.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation. The hook here is more passive: Adrian settles back to listen to Theodore's story. That could be a "decision," except that it doesn't connect back to clear-cut goals, which takes me back to the prior section on goals, stakes, and obstacles.

Style and Voice
First person, in Adrian's head. One minor wobble, but otherwise solid.

Referencing
This must be set in the mid-to-late 60's, given that Adrian is 18 and remembers his uncle taking him to a Beatles concert.

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--I could tell where the characters were in relation to each other--but still pretty sparse. I tend to like more information about where they are located, but I wouldn't overdo it. Just a touch can go a long way, especially if it shows Adrian interacting with his world and reveals tidbits about his character.

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. In particular, I saw a couple of instances where you separate the verbs in a compound predicate with commas. See rule 13 here: Purdue Owl on Commas

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

In your opening, I'd try to give Adrian some physical sensations to help draw readers into his head and thus into the fictional dream. Using subjective verbs to describe his surroundings does the same thing. I mentioned above that a lot of this chapter is narrated background--that makes readers feel like they are standing outside the story, looking in, while someone tells them stuff. It's better--more immedidate, intimate, and compelling--if readers feel like they are inside the point-of-view character, experiencing the fictional world rather than being told about it. A lot of my comments above pertain to this very idea.

Overall, I see a lot of promise for this novel. I know from reading your earlier work that you'll eventually have a plot that's filled with tension and gripping emotions. My suggestion here is to try to have more that in the opening chapter, your readers' first introduction to your characters and the world in which they live.

Thanks for sharing!!! I hope you'll share more so I can see how all of these threads fit together!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

As the footsteps neared, I smelled the rich Marlboro tobacco, and recognized Uncle Theodore. My Comment: This is where the story actually starts. Everything up until here is narrated background.

“When my brothers and I first arrived in Sherwood, I was quite sarcastic to mother and father.My Comment: “Mother and Father” should be capitalized since you are using them as names. If you’d said, “my father and mother,” then they’d NOT be capitalized since they describe a relationship as opposed to a name. Thus, “my brothers” is correct, while “mother and father” is not.

Papi takes me back to the hotel with me in stunned silence, and informs me that he is not my real father! My Comment: This is an instance where you’ve got a compound predicate and split the verbs with a comma. Actually, however, “with me in stunned silence,” is a subordinate clause which should be set off with commas. So, this should read: Papi takes me back to the hotel[,] with me in stunned silence, and informs me that he is not my real father!

Uncle Theodore reached into his pocket, and pulled out a handkerchief. My Comment: Another comma embedded in a compound predicate.

“That is true,” my uncle continued, as we spotted his Cadillac emerging in the distance. My Comment: Adrian can’t know what his uncle spotted, so this is a small POV violation.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

73

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4578113

Review of Tragedy Strikes at the Huntley Mansion

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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Hi. This isMax. Thank you for asking me to read your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "Tragedy Strikes at the Huntley Mansion"

by Redtowrite

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I love spooky stories with a Twilight-Zone feel, and this one delivered. It's masterfully plotted, with lovable characters out for a weekend drive who stumble into...well, the Twilight Zone! The *story* is engaging and well conceived. I enjoyed reading it quite a lot.

Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from contemporary fiction. Today, about 30% of all fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. While novels usually have more than one POV character, short stories generally stick with just one since each change in POV risks disrupting the readers' connection with the here-and-now of the story.

This story has wonderful characters--it's one of the finest parts of the story. Either Callie or Cole would make great point-of-view characters, but given the plot Callie is the obvious choice. My main suggestion for this story is to re-work it so that readers are in Callie's head from the first sentence. These are great characters that readers will love and cheer for. They have a wonderful relationship, making them three-dimensional. It would be well worth the effort to put readers deeply in Callie's head, making the events more intimate and immediate.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening does a great job of answering the "who, what, when, where, how, and why" questions. You name your characters and put them in motion in your fictional world.

The problem, however, is that the opening is all told by an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story and observing. This puts the readers outside the fictional world, too, looking in. Thus, my comments above on point of view apply to your opening.

Plot
Awesome plot. I loved it.

Referencing
We know this is the modern era from the presence of mobile phones.

Scene/Setting
You do a good job describing the fictional world. The city of Winston is a recognizable small town, the intervening countryside is idyllic, and the Victorian mansion is creepy. As above, however, it often feels like we have an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, summarizing things. As an example, the lady behind the counter "seemed pleasant enough" when she pointed to the restroom. What's missing here is Callie asking for the location, and the lady's reaction. If you show her eyes crinkling into a smile and put a word or two in her mouth--for example, "That way, hon"--readers will infer she's "pleasant enough" without being told. Revealing these kind of things via the words and deeds of your characters, even minor ones such as this lady, is much more intimate and immediate than telling the readers the same conclusion.

Similarly, when the house seems to "breathe," I wanted to know more about the sound. Does it creak? Is there a draft? Does it shudder in the wind? Be specific with the sensation Callie senses to help bring the house to life.

Characters
See above. These are awesome characters.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I loved the characters and the story. It's true, I've made some detailed suggestions about point of view which I think would improve an already good story. I think this story and the characters deserve to be the most haunting possible, and you can use point of view to make it even better.

BTW, I liked the unresolved ending. We can infer what's going to happen, but the details are unimportant. I like the idea that readers can imagine their own ending.

Thank you for sharing this story. I really did enjoy meeting Callie and Cole and reading about them.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

b}

Older men sit in the drugstore at a lunch counter. Drinking coffee, you can imagine the fish tales and car troubles being discussed. The Festival signs were for the next weekend so they rode through the town. As they continued to ride over country roads, civilization became almost nonexistent.

My Comment: Notice in these sentences the narration changes from fictional present to fictional past. In the first sentence, men “sit” in the drugstore, while in the last sentences, they “continued”—the first verb is present tense, the second past tense. Either is fine for a story—although fictional past is more common—but you should pick one and stick with it.

that spoke of it's former beauty.My Comment: typo: should be “its.” “It’s” with an apostrophe is the contraction “it is.”

Cole knew if the owner had even wanted to sell, they didn't have any cash. They could barely afford the rent on a one- bedroom apartment.

Callie wasn't in denial, she knew their situation. My Comment: In the first paragraph, we’re in Cole’s head since we’re told what he knows. In the next paragraph, we’re in Callies for the same reason.

She was a struggling painter/ photographer and Cole was a DJ for a start up top forty radio station. The dream house was a harmless game.

My Comment: Here, the story stops while the omniscient narrator intrudes to tell the readers stuff. It’s true that this is important, even endearing, stuff, but it’s still told rather than shown. It would take more words to show this, but it would pay off by making the relationship between the two more real. Callie could take photographs, for example, and chatter about her next watercolor. Cole might tune the radio to a DJ colleague and comment on his technique. The idea is to reveal information through the words and deeds of your characters rather than through narration.

It was pitch dark and scurrying of little feet was heard.My Comment: “Was heard” is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be active readers, imagining your fictional world along with you. In this case, while it’s better to make this active by writing “he heard scurrying...,” that too is a form of telling. It’s better to describe the sound directly, using the excellent, evocative verb you chose, “scurrying.” To emphasize he “heard” it, have him react in some perhaps, by having chills jitter down his back--assuming, of course, we're in his POV. If we're in Callie's, he might say something in a quavering voice.

That was the last time she'd ever hear her husband's voice.My Comment: Omniscient narrator foretells what’s going to happen. If his voice falls silent, that increases tension and foreshadows what’s going to happen without giving anything away.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

74

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4559092

Review of Lone Wolf

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Lone Wolf"

by Christopher Roy Denton

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
Since I try to learn from my mistakes, I only watched the first Twilight movie. As a consequence, I missed most of the references in this story. Nonetheless, it's a good story, with a plot that's independent of the references. I imagine if I'd been more familiar with series, I would have enjoyed this story more. In any case, I liked this story.

Scene changes
Every change in scene is a break with the here-and-now and thus threatens to disrupt the fictional dream. For this reason, it's a good idea to orient the reader in time and place at the start of each scene break and to establish, or re-establish, the point of view. This applies to at least two of the breaks in this story.

Plot
I know that the Twilight references are foreshadowing, and I did remember enough of the plot to think a vampire might appear. Still, I think you could have added a "stray dog" reference someplace. Maybe when she's talking to Sula? You might also have her call Calef a dog. BTW, babynames.com doesn't list "Calef" as a name. The urban dictionary says a "Calef" is a person who yammers on with annoying questions which doesn't fit the character. I'd consider a more common name--maybe "Bo," which has a hillbilly feel but also echos "Beau," which means "beautiful."

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Marta's head. Perfect.

Scene/Setting
A little sparse but sufficient.

Characters
Marta's more or less has goals, stakes, and obstacles. However, her character arc could use some more clarity. She dumps her unfaithful but long-term fiance and goes on a road trip. But what is she seeking on the road trip? There needs to be at least hint that she needs a faithful companion--another reason and way to sneak in dog references. That way, at the end, she has a faithful companion.

Tension usually arises from the conflict between goals and obstacles, but since those were a little hazy, I thought the story didn't have a lot of tension. When the wolf arrived, it was so obvious where it was going to end--even to me, who didn't even remember Twilight had werewolves--that there wasn't much tension from that event. Tension is what keeps the pages turning.

Grammar
She had five thousand Benjamin. Benjamin Franklin appears on the hundred dollar bill, so she had five thousand of those? That's $500,000 dollars. She could purchase a Porsche SUV and have lots left over. I think you meant fifty, right?

Just my personal opinion
This is a fine story as-is, despite not having a lot of tension. Twilight fans are certain to love it, and I enjoyed even though I'm not a fan. No real need to revise anything unless you feel like it. Thanks for sharing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Marta meandered between the used cars at Honest Bob’s Autos. My Comment: When is this happening with respect to the first scene? Before? After? How much before or after?

She raised an eyebrow. “You’re a used-car salesman.”My Comment: hahaha

Sula pouted. “How can you do this to me, Smarty Pants?”My Comment: Orient the reader in time and place first, and establish or re-establish POV before anyone speaks.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

75

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4555186

Review of As Clear As Water

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "As Clear As Water "

by Christopher Roy Denton

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
As always, your writing is a joy to read. This story in particular made me laugh out loud in a couple places.

I'm going to forgo most of my usual leads since the story is so well-crafted and put the only significant comment in the line-by-line section.

Style and Voice
Third person limited in Leah's head. No slips here, except that once Alice and Leah started talking, I kind of lost track of the POV. The same thing happens in the back-and-forth dialogue when the two of them meet up with Nessie. Having Leah interaction with her environment in ways that remind us we're in her head would be helpful. That usually means emotions, thoughts, or sensations. "Free direct discourse" is another way to do this, since it embeds Leah's thoughts directly into the narrative. See "Really Just One Point of View"

Referencing
I went to the first Twilight movie, but barely remember it. For sure, I don't remember the droll humor that's in this story. If I did, I might have been willing to watch more of them. Anyway, I thought you did an awesome job with putting the necessary background into the story without a hint of an info-dump. More good craft at work!

Scene/Setting
Of course smell would dominate a werewolf's sense of her surroundings! FYI, I once wrote a novel in which I used a dog for the POV in one chapter. I did the same thing--he kept being distracted by interesting smells.

Just my personal opinion
I usually avoid fan fiction, and read this one only because it was yours. Now that I've read it, I'm glad I did, as it's good fiction, and well-written. Thanks for sending it my way.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

“You try carrying your clothes in your mouth for four thousand miles.”My Comment: hahaha

All men were dogs. In Sam’s case, literally. My Comment: stop!

Leah fidgeted with the pleats of her gingham summer dress unused to anything so…feminine.My Comment: I think you need a comma after “dress.”
She saw herself skipping through an unfamiliar forest...My Comment: One of my best critics, TimM , was fond of reminding me that readers are delicate critters, and easily confused. I’d rush through endings that I thought explained things, and he’d tell me to slow down. He was wise, and clear, and always helpful. I miss him.

Oh, wait, this is supposed to be about this story, not my friend.

I wasn’t quite clear what was happening in the final paragraph until the last sentence, so I think some minor tweaks would be helpful. For example, if you changed “a tall girl” to “this tall girl” in the third sentence, it would be clearer. Secondly, the phrasing in the fourth sentence suggests that Jacob and Sam saw exactly the same vision that Leah is seeing now, so some rephrasing would be helpful. It could be as simple as “Leah had seen this kind of thing happen to others...” or “Leah had seen memories of this kind of vision....” The point is that we need to know for sure that Sam and Jacob didn’t see the same vision as Leah, just a similar one when they “imprinted.”

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .