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Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.
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I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.
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251
251
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Survival of the Strongest (Re-Write)" 
Author Shawlyn
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Simon awakes in a curious place: a cave, with florescent lighting and two peculiar companions. One, Michael, is strong and valiant, the other, Sammy, is fearful and withdrawn. None know where they are. A sudden voice asks after Sammy, and then offers help to escape. Simon resolves to escape, too, and to do whatever is necessary. The three struggle up a ramp and then meet a chasm. The only way around is a narrow ledge. Micheal and Simon makes it to the other side, and then Michael goes back to help Sammy. The voice interrupts again, and eventually Michael falls to his death. The voice announces only one will survive and it must be Sammy. Simon pushes Sammy into the chasm, determined to escape. The scene changes, and we learn the truth of what's been happening in a twist ending.

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*Check2*Point of view and style
First person, in Simon's point of view.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Self consistent; the era for this doesn't really matter.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
You did a good job describing where they were at. For the most part, I had no trouble picturing where the characters were in relation to each other or what they were doing--with one minor bobble noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

________________
*Check2*Characters
You reveal the main characteristics of the three characters by putting them in motion in word and deed. That's exactly right. We especially get creepy feelings from Simon as he thinks through what he's going to do and how to react to the other two.

________________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked the dreamy sequence that built up over the first 3/4 of this story. The tension and mystery cranked tighter as situation worsened. That's good work! The transition to the final scene was also clear and well-done. However, I thought that the explanation went on a little long--kind of like the explanation at the end of "Pscyho." By the time this scene starts, the attentive reader will have deduced that most of the story was dream or delusion and that the main character is now in a hospital. As soon as you introduced dissociative personality disorder, readers will understand the context for the events they've just read. Thus, you should end the story as quickly as possible after this point. I'd move as quickly as possible from the idea of mulitple personalities to the ending sentence. That way the final line--which is great!--will have the maximum impact.

thanks for sharing! i love stories with a twist, and this one delivered.

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*The level of light increases and I can see those around me are fully conscious*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "I can see" filter the sensory information through your narrator. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for your readers to describe directly what s/he saw. Since you're using a first person narrator, readers will infer that s/he saw it. Indeed, that little step of inference will help to draw readers into the story. If you want to emphasize s/he saw it, have her/him react in some way.

Let me remark in passing that one of the challenges with a first person narrator is establishing the name and gender of your narrator. The sooner you do this, the better chance you'll have of drawing readers into the narrator's head and hence into your fictional world. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“My name is Simon. I have no idea where we are, or who you are for that matter.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This seems like a curious thing to say. Wouldn't he instead ask, "Where am I?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*The noise catches us all by surprise. The taller and more muscular of the two strides confidently forward with an out thrust hand, which I tentatively accepted.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Note the adverbs. What about his "striding" lets the narrator infer he's confident? What are the visual cues that lead to this conclusion? Show, rather than tell, that he's confident. As to the "tentatively," again, this is telling us what's in the narrator's head. What's he thinking and feeling that causes him to be tentative? Show his emotional context and let us infer that he's being tentative. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The second was no more than a boy sitting quietly, with arms wrapped around his legs which were pulled tightly to his chest.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Your opening paragraph was in the fictional present, but here you've changed to the fictional past. *Exclaim*

*Cut* I don’t know how long we travel. There is little change in our surroundings. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: back to the fictional present... *Exclaim*

*Cut*I crawl forward on my stomach to ascertain the extent of the impasse*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is where I bobbled just tiny bit. I thought they were walking forward, with Simon trailing after. Michael drops to his knees and Sammy collapses. Then suddenly Simon is crawling. He's moved from my mental picture of him walking and standing to being on his belly, crawling. A tiny transition from upright to crawling would remove this little bump. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Sammy looks up into Michael's eyes and a reassurance, trust and strength pass between them.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The author is stating a fact, or the narrator a conclusion. What leads him to this conclusion? What are the visual clues in body language? *Exclaim*

*Cut*If events become to tense or stressed, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: "too" *Exclaim*

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
252
252
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "First Scene from WIP" 
Author Brian
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Brett and his partner Myers are on what they expect to be a routine drug bust. Instead, their tweaked-out target has a young girl held hostage and threatens to kill her after shooting at them. The situation looks hopeless, but these two cops have worked togther before. Improvising with what's available and working against the killer counting down to the girl's death, they launch a daring attack that kills the bad guy and saves the girl. However, it seems that someone else might be in the trailer...

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
In Brett's point of view. no slips.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern day, from various references.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Good job with this. Great description of the seedy trailer at the start and later of the interior. The action sequence was also exceptionally well-done.

________________
*Check2*Characters
Right now, Brett and Myers seem almost interchangeable. I loved the fast-paced action you gave us--and editors and agents are likely to love it, too. Starting in the middle of an action sequence, with your protagonists in danger, is a great way to draw readers in. Still, I wish that each of the two main characters had some idiosyncrasies to differentiate them and make them more human.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
A few typos, noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a great, action-packed beginning to your story. You've got heroic cops, heartless bad guys, a damsel in distress for them to save. There's a touch of humor at the start--the Star Wars reference--but there's not much room for character development. I'm a sucker for character, but I think that you've got the right mix in this for an opening chapter in this genre. You've got an entire novel to show the full depth of these guys. Right now, it's the action that's the focus, and you've done a fantastic job with that.

It's a little early to see where this is headed, or what the long-term stakes will be for either character. Short-term, it's crystal clear. You've also got a fantastic hook to keep the pages turning.

Thanks for sharing--great job!

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*Sitting in a wooded valley surrounded by Eastern Kentucky hillsides, the trailer was a blemish on the landscape. A missing section of sheet metal underpinning left a dark void under the trailer like a missing tooth. Of the remaining pieces, most were skewed or bent inward, as if kicked in anger or amusement. Overlapping pieces of duct tape wandered across a front window, a Band-Aid over the fractured pane. The only nod to curb-appeal was a worn tractor tire, painted white and lying flat in the small front yard. It had likely bordered a flowerbed some years past, but now highlighted the same mixture of weeds that dominated the rest of the yard.

Brett Myers studied the stack of cinder blocks that served as the trailer's front porch; three blocks high and four wide with no handrail. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any piece of fiction. They are your first and best opportunity to draw your readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

This opening does an excellent job of orienting the reader in space and time. The descriptions are wonderful and creative. You also name your point of view character and have him doing something.

However, I think I'd make one small change. I would make the lead sentence "Brett Myers clutched his warrant and studied perp's trailer." After that, I'd launch into your description.

Here's the reason why. One of the main jobs of any author is to draw the reader into the story. The fastest and most reliable way to do that is to put the reader inside the point-of-view character's head. The sooner you do that, the better. By starting with Brett studying the trailer, you start by putting the reader in his head. This contextualizes the description that follows as Brett's thoughts about the trailer, where it's located, and it's woeful state. We're inside his head, looking at things.

The way it's written now, it feels like the description belongs to the author, standing outside the story, looking in. That puts the reader outside the story. You want the reader inside. It's a simple and subtle difference, but it can be huge in terms drawing readers into your fictional world. *Exclaim*

*Cut*His command was greeted with silence.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "was greeted" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are generally better. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Brett turned to Myers, “Think he’s here?”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm confused. I thought his name was "Brett Meyers." Now it sounds like there's two people, "Brett" and "Myers." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Harper pulled the door shut and Brett heard the rattle of the chain-lock being unlatched.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "Brett heard" filter the sensory information through your character. It's usually more immediate and intimate for the readers if you describe directly what he heard. If you want to emphasize he heard it, have him react in some way. *Exclaim*

*Cut*They had arrived at Harper’s trailer after being sent by the chief to arrest him for theft of ammonia and, quite likely, for running a meth-lab once his trailer was searched.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here the story stops while the author tells the reader stuff. As author, you need to know this background, but the reader doesn't need to know it--at least not here, in the middle of a shoot-out. This is a novel. If this is essential information, you've got another 80000 words or more to convey this information. Stick with the action. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Where the fuck did she come from.” Brett repeated*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typos: question mark after "from." Missing period after "repeated." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Myers has came in behind him. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo *Exclaim*

*Cut*Myers picked her up gently and turned toward the door.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: note the adverb. What about his actions would let an external observer know he was being gentle? Describe that instead of telling us he was being gentle. *Exclaim*

*Cut*but he approached the door cautiously.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: another adverb... *Exclaim*

*Cut*He entered the room and turned quickly to his right.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment:...and another. Here, a more precise verb like "pivoted" would do the trick. *Exclaim*



________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
253
253
Review of Blood Demon  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Blood Demon" 
Author Crazy Writer
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
This story describes a final battle between the narrator and the Dark Ones. The story opens with the narrator surveying the death and destruction of the battlefield. I think the bulk of the story is an extended flashback describing how the battle went, although I admit I'm not entirely clear on that. See comments below.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
This is first person and in the fictional past.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
The story avoids the info-dump temptation. You clearly have a detailed background on this fictional world, which you, as author, certainly need. But you've given the reader just enough for the events of the story to make sense and not burdened them with extra baggage. You've focused on action and slipped details in as necessary. Good job at that!

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Your opening paragraph does an awesome job setting the scene.

________________
*Check2*Characters
Mostly we meet the narrator. We see his despair and his determination through his thoughts and his actions. The Dark One is a bit of a mystery, an opaque "other" to serve as a foil for your protagonist.

One of the challenges with first person narratives is revealing the gender of the narrator. I've got mixed feelings about leaving the gender uncertain. On the one hand, readers will assign whatever gender they want. On the other hand, it makes your narrator less concrete and thus harder to identify with. On balance, I'd rather an author were specific than not.

________________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Generally, I think this story did a good job with the fictional dream, although I did suggest a tweak or two in the line-by-line remarks below.

In the second paragraph, there is a small time reversal as the narrator seems to be looking back over how the Warriors came to die. The sequencing in the third paragraph is where I got confused. has the narrator returned to the fictional present? Is he now describing ongoing action? Or is he still describing past events, during the battle?

The above confusion on my part is one of the reasons that flashbacks are difficult to do in short stories. I'd recommend you try to tell the entire story in a linear sequence. Not only is it less likely to confuse readers, it helps to keep readers in the flow of the story.

I enjoyed reading the vivid descriptions in the story. The action sequences were also well done. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing!!!

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*Ash fell from the burning sky covering the field with a blanket of death. The sun, black and lifeless, slowly began to sink below the horizon. Bodies, enemies and allies alike, littered the field and neighboring forest, their blood soaking into the dry ground. Screams rose with the wind, the last pleas of those still suffering hoping for a kind hand to end their nightmare. A rancid smell of decay mixed with the evil presence of the Dark Ones to create a miasma that even the vultures would not venture near.

Without emotion I gazed across the battlefield.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: You've got great descriptions in your opening paragraph. You orient the reader and establish the scene. But it's all as if an omniscient narrator is standing outside the story, looking in. That, in turn, puts the reader outside the story.

What I'd suggest is a simple change. I'd use the last sentence in the quoted material above as the very first sentence of the story. That puts the reader inside the narrator's head. Now the reader sees the things you describe so well through the narrator's eyes. They are inside the story, imagining it along with the you. That little change would increase the intimacy and immediacy of what follows. *Exclaim*

*Cut*As the last of the Warriors died cheers had risen from the Dark Ones;*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is one of several places where I think you need a comma, in this case after "died." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Quickly I regained my feet*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is one of those adverbs I mentioned. Maybe he "thrust himself" to his feet, or "elbowed himself to his feet." "Quickly" doesn't paint a precise picture of his action and slows the pace. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He was twice my size, easily topping twelve feet tall, and wielded twin blades with ease. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "easily" and "ease" repeat in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so you might consider tweaking this. *Exclaim*

*Cut*as he easily evaded my staff. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: another "easily." *Exclaim*


________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
254
254
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Contest GPS Fund  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "The Black Cape And Top Hat" 
Author Angus
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Ben witnessed the aftermath of a horrible murder when he was seven, 42 years ago. Lately, he's been having a troubling dream about that incident. His wife persuades him to tell her about the dream and the incident, and she sympathizes. She promises to help him forget when she returns from a pressing errand. He relaxes on his recliner and dreams of what she plans. Alas, another dream becomes reality.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
Third person limited, in Ben's head until the final paragraph.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern day.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Kind of sparse...I've got some suggestions below.

________________
*Check2*Characters
Ben, Mindy, the man with the hat.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
Clean copy...excellent work.'

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The heart of this story is the middle section, a flashback to when Ben was seven. I think this works in this story, with the flashback framed by two shorter scenes in the present, but I have to tell you that this will make it harder sell. Many editors and agents will see a flashback in a short story and stop reading. That will be their loss, as I think it's the right choice in this case.

However, I think you could improve the flashback. In the first place, it's almost all narrated: told rather than shown. That reduces the immediacy and intimacy for the readers by huge amount. What I suggest is maybe playing with the point of view and narrative style, first. The framing scenes are third person limited, in Ben's point of view. I'd make the middle section a first person narrative, again in Ben's point of view.

Now, in the middle section, he's telling his wife what happened. That's fine, but as I noted above, it's telling. That's the problem with first person: it's so easy to fall into the trap of telling rather than showing. I'd rework the narrative to make it more showing. You've got Mrs. Nelson's speech. Add to it. What does his friend's house smell like? Do the stairs creak? How did he fell when he saw the apparition in the room? Did chills skitter down his back?

Put words in the policeman's mouth. Give Ben's emotional reaction, back then, to the interview and the condescending attitude of the police. Use all the tricks of craft to bring this alive, through the eyes of seven-year-old Ben.

When you transition back to the present, how is Ben feeling, having relived it for Mindy?

I've got another suggestion for this story, although it may not coincide with your vision. In my view, these kinds of stories are more effective if there is another, conventional explanation. Just as with the Dobermans, perhaps there could be a hint of infidelity on Mindy's part. A suggestion, somehow, that the man with the hat who shows up at the door is her lover might add that ambiguity.

I also wonder about the final shift to Mindy's POV. The story is over when the man bares his teeth takes the first bite. I'd end it with that, rather than shifting the POV.

I love twisty horror stories. You've done a fine job with this one, and the above suggestions are just tweaking at the edges. This story stands on its own and doesn't really need changes. If you think some of the above ideas are helpful, have at them.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed this...shudder...really, I did!

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Your copy is so clean, I've only got one comment here.
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut* I have a meeting at work I have to go to at ten,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This felt a little force, especially here. I'd inject this information earlier. Maybe she chatters about her meeting in the opening before she notices Ben's distracted. I'd be clear what the meeting is, too, that she can't cancel it. Is it work-related? Or church? Or does she have to take her ill mother to the doctor? It should be something she can't avoid, since she'd otherwise devote herself to her husband. *Exclaim*



________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
255
255
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Contest GPS Fund  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1885663 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item" . I've been assigned to read your entry as one of the judges, and this is my review.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Half Past Midnight" 
Author LaPia
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Followed the "Invalid Item" . Most contestants treated this as a short story and gave it an ending. You treated it as the opening chapter and gave a marvelous hook at the ending! Not only is that creative, but it shows a good sense of how to keep the pages turning in a longer work. Nice job!

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
Third person limited, in Ruby's head. No slips. In fact, the almost-stream-of-consciousness sections were excellent, and really drew the reader into her point of view. Good craft and technique here.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
All consistent with the scenario.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Once the boys entered the store, the staging was a little unclear--not so much that I couldn't follow what was happening, but the relative positions of the characters wasn't always nailed down. Similarly, the positioning of Ruby, the car, and the boy could have been a touch clearer. If it's possible for readers to be confused, they will be.

________________
*Check2*Characters
You did a fantastic job making Ruby sympathetic. Her interactions with Gary were also awesome. You established all the required elements about the boys, but they felt a tad rushed and they didn't quite come across as menacing as they might have. Of course, you also were working against an artificial word limit.

________________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!


________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This was really well done. I enjoyed reading it, and you left me wanting to know what was going to happen next! I wanted to turn the page and find out--exactly what every author wants to achieve in the first chapter of their novel. Good work!

________________
*Check2*Scoring

How many scenario elements are present? 14 / 15

Do you show all 15 elements?0 / 4

Do you use all five senses?8 / 10 taste?

Are descriptions of events, settings, actions, etc., shown rather than told?40 / 40

Do the above descriptions reinforce the point of view? 14 / 15

Originality and Creativity8 / 10

Writing basics4 / 6

TOTAL:89


________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*“You think it’d be okay if I leave early tonight?” *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: We don't know who is speaking. At the start of a scene, injecting a disembodied voice is almost always a bad idea. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She smiled, thinking to herself, Granny’s
probably ‘preciating’ his manly stream this very minute from her throne on high. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The editorial standard for direct thoughts is to put them in italics, with a tag like "thinking to her self." If you said something like, "Ruby reflected that..." that keeps the narrative running without a direct quote of her thoughts. Good showing of his attitude and her reaction to it, by the way! *Exclaim*

*Cut*She listened to the roar of his pickup and the waning of its sputtering tailpipe. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "she listened" fliter the sensory information through Ruby's head. It's usually more immediate and intimate for the readers if you describe directly what she listened to. Since you've done a great job of establishing her point of view, they will infer she "listened" to the sound. If you want to emphasize it, you might her cock her head, or stare out the window as this happens. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Big & Rich were belting Save a Horse; Ride a Cowboy in full base. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm guessing this is a CW song, in which case it should be in quotes and not italics. On the other hand, if this is a CD title, then underlining or italics are correct. Generally, you'd underline only when an italic font wasn't available, such as on a typewriter. However, some publishers still want submissions in Courier, with italics underlined. It helps them estimate word count and estimate space for layout. *Exclaim*

*Cut*While he fumbled around in his leather wallet, she knew full well the ID would be fake, the youth with vomit down the front of him met her glance.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I think some commas are misplaced in this sentence. The phrase "she knew full well..." should probably be set off with m-dashes. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He rocked back on his heels, unsteady, and tipped his hat. "Much abliged." *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Did you mention the hat earlier? I looked back and didn't find it. I was surprised when this appeared, as it wasn't part of my mental image. It'd be easy to have him wearing a Yankees cap backwards, for example, when he enters the store. That establishes the hat for him to tip now. Saying he has a hat now is too late, since the reader has already formed their mental image. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“You got another migrain?"*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: migraine *Exclaim*

*Cut*The jerky made her jaws ache and her head throb. She slowed her pace. She could go to school, get a degree, save the world. Maybe the world could save her.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is really effective writing, putting us right into the stream of Ruby's thoughts and sensations. Nice work here!!! *Exclaim*

*Cut*She gave him a friendly rub behind the ears feeling the scabs left by ticks, fleas and old wounds.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: what a creative way to introduce tactile sensations--and to generate sympathy for Ruby and Jake! *Exclaim*

*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: He's running away, but is he scared? If he maybe gave a little yip and skittered away, tail between his legs, you'd show him being afraid. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The driver slammed on the breaks *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: brakes *Exclaim*

b}*Cut*Her pupils constricted into tiny pinpoints filled with beams of laser light. "I"ve got news for your daddy. He's going to need more than a new headlight."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Ah! Great hook! If this were a chapter in a book, this would be absolutely perfect to keep the pages turning. Love it!!! *Exclaim*

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
256
256
Review of Ruby's Rage  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Contest GPS Fund  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1885663 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item" . I've been assigned to read your entry as one of the judges, and this is my review.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Ruby's Rage" 
Author Joey's Spring has Sprung
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Followed the "Invalid Item" 

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
Third person limited in Ruby's head. No slips.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern era, from the musical references.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
We've all been in a 7-Eleven, so not much is needed. However, I had some trouble following the action in places, since the location of the characters wasn't always exactly clear. See the line-by-line remarks below.

________________
*Check2*Characters
You did an awesome job making the boys both threatening and repugnant. I loved Tasha, too--a great addition to the story!

________________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Apostrophes.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. Here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/01/...


________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You did a good job with the story and with building tension. The scenario obviously intended to have something supernatural happen at the end, and you resisted that beautifully! I loved that Ruby's secret didn't involve superpowers or the supernatural. Tasha's character reinforced this thematic element as well. That was great.

Be careful, though, about misleading your readers. I noted a place in the line-by-line remarks where I felt you did this. At the end, you want your readers to slap their foreheads and say, "I should have seen that coming." You don't want them to roll their eyes and feel cheated.

This was an original and creative twist on the scenario. I liked it quite a lot!

________________
*Check2*Scoring

How many scenario elements are present? 12 / 15 Several seemed to be missing, or incomplete--#6 and #13 in particular.

Do you show all 15 elements?0 / 4

Do you use all five senses?6 / 10 tactile and taste?

Are descriptions of events, settings, actions, etc., shown rather than told?35 / 40

Do the above descriptions reinforce the point of view? 15 / 15

Originality and Creativity10 / 10

Writing basics3 / 6

TOTAL: 81


________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*“Ruby, did you hear me?”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: a disembodied voice tends to pull readers out of the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“No, its Jake's turn.” *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: it's *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Hey, I’m the designated driver; I’m the one that is supposed to stay sober. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd consider a contraction here, for verisimilitude in dialogue. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Wonder what Tasha will think when she finds me tied up, raped and dead in the cooler.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This thought seems to contradict the ending, or at least mislead the reader. If you tweaked it to be more ambiguous, so it was misdirection rather than misleading, that would be better. You don't want your reader to feel cheated at the ending. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The front door jerked open, and the six-foot, two-hundred-forty pound, Tasha, plowed through the front doors.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "door" appears twice in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Girl, a Slim-Jim ain't no supper.” *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: For clarity, I'd have Ruby plop the Slim-Jim on the counter above when she asks Tasha to ring things up for her. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Then he bolted out in a single bound. The trashcan he was hiding behind toppled over and rolled towards her feet. Time seemed to freeze as each took in the sight of the other. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: He's a dog, as you reveal in the next paragraph. As soon as she sees it's a dog, the reader should see it, too. That keeps us in Ruby's head. When you reveal a couple of sentences later that Ruby recognized him and that he's a dog, that pulls the reader out of her head and makes them a bystander, looking at events from the outside of the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The roar of the V-eight startled the dog*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Tells the reader the dog's startled. You show he's startled in the next phrase when he jumps away from Ruby; if you want to emphasize it, you could have him give a little yip. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Ruby focused on the car again, the driver was looking right at her.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*Oh shit, he's gonna hit him! *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Going to hit whom? The driver was just looking at Ruby, not the dog. Why does Ruby infer he plans to hit the dog? *Exclaim*.

*Cut*“Oh no, you don’t, bitch!” Jake caught the back of Ruby’s work tunic. She turned, pushed her arms over her head, and then squatted, letting the tunic slip over her head. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "head" and "tunic" repeat... *Exclaim*

*Cut* she posed in a classic marshal arts stance. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: martial arts *Exclaim*

*Cut*he held it out at arms length.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: arm's length *Exclaim*


________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/

Check out my essay on short stories  
257
257
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Outside Those Walls" 
Author SunSlayer
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Killian, I see from your port that you're sixteen and from Belgium. This is quite an impressive effort for one so young, and even more so if English is not your native language. I'll give you more detailed thoughts in the review below, but I wanted to start off with congratulations on your story.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Kleas lives in a dystopian future, where the air has turned acid and mutant monsters roam the streets. Kleas sneaks along with a Stalker, a specially equipped and trained scavenger, on a mission to an abandoned automobile manufacturing plant. Once there, gerlags attack and kill the Stalker, but Kleas manages to escape.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters from through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Short stories generally only have one point-of-view character.

My main suggestion for this story is that you choose one character--probably Kleas--and tell the story from inside his head, using his point of view. I've made some notes in the line-by-line comments below to help you see where the point of view has shifted from the Stalker, to Kleas, to omniscient.


________________
*Check2*Referencing
You've developed a detailed future world here, one where people live in sealed environments and the external atmosphere is toxic. That's complex and original and you did an excellent job making this the backdrop for your story.

Be careful, though, about revealing these details in narrated form, as you do in the opening paragraphs. The rest of the story does an excellent job of showing what this world is like, revealing it through the words and deeds of your characters. That's more immediate and intimate for your readers and generally better than narration.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
This, too, was good: I could follow the action and never lost track of the location of the characters with respect to each other nor with respect to the ongoing action.

________________
*Check2*Characters
I'd like to be more inside Kleas's head, to know what motivated him to tag along, and what he was feeling on the outside. Make the experience vivid for the readers by putting them inside Kleas's head, smelling, sensing, hearing and seeing right along with him.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.


________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Overall, this is a good story with an exciting plot. I'd like to know a bit more about Kleas, and to see more interaction between Kleas and the Stalker, but not so much as to kill the suspense. I'm also left wondering why Kleas did what he did, which is part of why the story seemed to stop rather than end. From the start, we should know what problem confronts Kleas, what's at stake for him if he doesn't solve that problem. The resolution at the end might be that the problem was solved, or even that Kleas had the wrong problem in mind, but I think the story needs some resolution.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*“I don’t care that you’re one of the Stalkers, we need these parts at any cost to survive! *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*The Stalker looked around, and to his suprise a young boy aged seventeen was standing next to him,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, you're in the Stalker's head since you're telling us he's surprised. *Exclaim*

*Cut*A little shocked by the Stalker’s attitude, Kleas got a pistol out of his pocket and showed it to him.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, we've jumped into Kleas's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Being absolutely distracted, he did not notice the black creatures that were silently moving sideways to flank the two unwary scavengers.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, we have an omniscient narrator, since we're learning something that Kleas did not notice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Suddenly the room flashed with light and a small explosion was heard.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "was heard" is passive voice, which puts the readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are better. Here, for example, you consider "an explosion roared," or maybe "flashed." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Stalker say with his last strength, knowing that the beast would go after Kleas as soon as he was dead.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Puts us in the Stalker's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He stopped just before the gates, extremely exhausted and still full of fear of what has happened. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Instead of telling us he's exhausted and full of fear, can you show it? Perhaps this muscles burn with fatigue and his chest aches with each breath. Maybe he staggers, weaves or wobbles the last few steps. Perhaps his hands tremble, and his voice quavers as he claws at the door, begging for admission. Maybe the memory of blood spurting across the Stalker's ashen features and the crunch of his bones in the jaws of the Gerlag keeps playing in his mind. Put the readers in his head, feeling the fear and the fatigue, instead of telling us about it. *Exclaim*


________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
258
258
Review of Charming  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Charming" 
Author Vacant Vagrant
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Two men stand on an idyllic beach. One of them spies a house nearby, and a shiver skitters up his spine. She's there. She might even be watching them...

I don't want to give away too much about this delightful tale, so I'll stop there. I'm afraid my review will have some spoilers, so if a third party is reading this, please stop and read this story first. It's worth it.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
Third person limited, in Sands' head.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern era.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
You did a great job with both scenes. In particular, you filled the beach with lots of little hints and clues about what was about to happen. Great work!

________________
*Check2*Characters
Lane, filled with joy at the beauty of the beach and with anticipation of rejoining the love of his life.

Sands, his companion and guide, full of caution and warnings.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
I saw one repeated word; otherwise this was clean copy.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Your review request intimated that this story had just gotten "shredded," as though some reviewer had hated it. If so, I have to disagree. This is a well-crafted story, and I enjoyed reading it very much. The foreshadowing was both subtle and skillful, so the ending was satisfying. Some readers might not see it coming, but if they go back and re-read, the hints are all there. This is the kind of twist ending that it so difficult to construct, where you drop hints that don't telegraph what's going on. You've done a fine job with this.

The prose is also crisp and clear, with good choices of active verbs and vivid descriptions.

The final line is perfect, and sent chills up my back.

I do have two minor suggestions. One has to do with the opening. I'd establish Sands as the point-of-view character in the very first sentence and, if possible, orient the reader a bit better as to where the two men are at.

The second has to do with the ending, which I thought was a bit too long. I'd establish the turnabout and then end the story as soon as possible thereafter. I liked that you left Sands and his role in this mysterious. There are hints he did something technological, but there are also hints--in the ghostly reflection and in his name--that he's something else. That dual nature and uncertainty helps give the final line a chill factor. I'd just get to that final line as soon as possible after establishing the twist.

In any case, this is great little story. Thanks so much for letting me read it!

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut* He could see something that looked like a house not too far ahead, and he was pretty sure that was where she had taken up residence. It might be that she was watching them, and it might not. A shiver along his spine made him think that the former was more likely. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, you've established Sands as your point-of-view character. Sending a shiver up his spine is especially good, since it puts the reader inside his head. However, I'd establish the point of view in the very first sentence instead of four paragraphs in. Also. Phrases like "he could see" filter the sensory information through your character. Another reason for establishing point of view is that then, when you describe the cottage, the readers will infer that Sands saw it. If you want to emphasize this and make sure they draw the conclusion, have him react, as you do here, with a shiver. Those little steps of inference by the readers help to draw them into Sands' head and hence into the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut* Lane’s head was full of hair, and Selena’s hair was the color of rich mahogany. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "Hair" appears twice in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so more varied choice is usually better. *Exclaim*


*Cut*The wan light of the hallway was bright and intrusive. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Beware sentences where the main verb is a form of "to be." Here, you might have him squint agains the wan light...Also, how can the light be both "wan" and "bright?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*He glanced briefly over his shoulder and gave his ghostly reflection a grim smile. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I like the ghostly reflection, but I'm not sure what his face is reflected in. *Exclaim*




________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
259
259
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Death is Only a Bullet Away - (Re-Write)" 
Author Shawlyn
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
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Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

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*Check2*Plot
Luke wakes in a hospital room, where he learns he's been shot and a fragment of the bullet is lodged near his heart, where it could come loose at any moment and kill him. Meantime, his boss insists that he continue his investigation into the leak in the software company.

I enjoy stories with a twist, and this one certainly delivered!

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*Check2*Point of view and style
First person, in Luke's head.

About 30% of all fiction today uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. While there are technical challenges to third person limited, it's my view that first person is actually more difficult to craft. I'll comment further on this below.

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*Check2*Referencing
Modern era, with leveraged buy-outs of a software company providing the framing plot.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging, which is sufficient for the story. good job here. I could always tell where the characters were in relation to one another.

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*Check2*Characters
Luke is our primary character, and he comes through as the typical noir detective. He's hard-boiled, a bit worse-for-the-wear, and smarter than he looks. You execute this archetype well. This is archetype for the reason that the character resonates with readers. Luke is credible and likable.

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*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps! I see from your bio-block that you are from Australia, where I believe that proper English reigns, as opposed to the version we use in the US. The rules on this link are for US grammar; alas, I don't have a link for UK rules.


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*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The above paragraph applies to my comments in the line-by-line remarks below on the opening, on scene transitions, and to the flashback. What I'd like to discuss here is plot.

Your opening segment does a great job of putting Luke in jeopardy. First, he's been shot in the course of his investigation. Worse, bullet fragments are lodged in his lung, near his heart, and could dislodge at any moment and kill him. Thus, you've given us plenty of reason to fear for the protagonist.

Being shot is excellent foreshadowing for the rest of the story. However, the thread about the fragment lodged in his heart doesn't seem to play a role at all, and remains unresolved and unmnentioned at the end. I'm not sure you even need this extra threat to Luke. It's enough that he's been shot and is going back into the breach.

Another point is the twist at the end. At the start of that final scene, you mention a "comfortable shape nestling against his side." Of course, we know that's not his cat, so from there the ending isn't a big surprise. The point I'm making is that the foreshadowing of the shape is too close to the climax to make the ending have much oomph.

What you might consider is having him demand his gun as he checks out of the hospital. He could check it out in the taxi and make sure it's loaded. Now you've established that he carries a gun, presumably in a holster "at his side." You might even have him click the safety on and off, and describe how the click is inaudible over the radio in the cab. That's establishes he's always armed, and can shoot in an instant. You might even have him check the gun one more time later in the story before he needs it at the end.

Finally, I comment below on the challenges of the flashback. I think you could achieve the same ends by having Luke return to the company HQ and report to each brother on the status of the investigation so far. They could quiz him about his injury and ask if he has any more information on the embezzled funds. That way, you'd introduce the brothers in real-time, through their words and deeds, and the readers can get to know them holistically, the way we get to know people in the real world. I think that would be stronger than the middle section flashback and could convey the same information.

I love stories with a twist, and I love detective stories, so you've hit on two of my favorites with this. I really enjoyed reading it, and I liked getting to know Luke. I hope that bullet fragment doesn't kill him and he comes back for more stories!!

Thanks for sharing.

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*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
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*Cut*The attempt on my life was a failure. The assassin had come close, but in my business, close is not good enough. I woke up alone in the recovery room of the hospital. Attached to me were many tubes going in and out of various parts of my anatomy. There were also the dreaded machines that go beep, singing their monotonous tune and hopefully indicating to me and the world that I was all right. My sight was blurred and my head was throbbing. As yet, I could feel no pain and whether this was a good thing or a bad thing was still to be decided. I lifted my head and glanced down. I was encased with enough bandages and strapping to be a stand-in for a Mummy movie.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. They are your first and best chance to draw readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Speaking of first sentences, you've got a fantastic one here! Other strong points of this opening include the fact that you've put the protagonist solidly in danger, you've established basic plot elements, and you've oriented the reader in space and time. All excellent features, and good work.

However, I think you could tweak this some. I tend to prefer openings that put the reader deep inside the point-of-view character's head. Thus, instead of the little time-reversal that takes us back to the assassin in the second sentence, I'd focus on the blurry vision, the feel of the tubes and bandages, the antiseptic scent of the hospital. You do a great job of Luke taking in his environment, and we get his laconic wit in the descriptions--that's terrific! If you could just rearrange it a bit, so the readers get inside Luke's head right away after that attention-grabbing first sentence, I think you'd hold on their attention better. *Exclaim*

*Cut*was my boss; a small man, thinning grey hair and a face dominated by a nose that was too big. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I think you need a colon instead of a semicolon here. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Taylor. You okay?" This was asked in a voice that resonated and sounded like it should have come from much bigger man.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Two little things here. First, the description of the voice should come before he speaks. If you place it after, the readers will have already "heard" him speak and lose the effect of it resonating and being too big. Second, "was asked" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you would like them to be your active partners in imagining your story. For this reason, it's generally better to use active verb forms. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I did not detect any note of concern. I grunted an answer which he interpreted as me being capable of listening to him.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: A response, even a nonverbal response like a grunt, belongs in its own paragraph. *Exclaim*

*Cut*To close to be operated on safely.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: too close *Exclaim*

*Cut*My name is Luke Taylor and I work for a private investigations firm. You won’t find us in the phone book; we’re strictly word of mouth.

I have been an investigator for ten years and over that period my six-foot two and two hundred pounds of ex-footballer frame, had ballooned out to two forty and a gamy leg. The once dark black hair was now heavily streaked with grey. I had built a reputation up of being ‘tough ‘and this was being sorely put to the test, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, the story stops while the narrator tells the reader stuff. This important, even useful, stuff, but it's still narrated (told) instead of shown. If it's important the reader know this right now, you could devise a little mini-scene to reveal it through the words and deeds of characters, interacting with each other. For example, a nurse might bustle in and recognize Taylor's name from he played football, and then ask him if he'd thought about going on a diet. That gets almost all the information. As he leave the hospital and hails a cab, his game leg could throb, causing him to rub it. That set of actions--characters talking and moving--reveals the information the way we'd expect to encounter in the real world, holistically, through the words and deeds of the characters. Narrating it, as you've done above, reminds readers this is a story and interrupts the fictional dream. *Exclaim*

*Cut*CalSoft, a small software company had approached my boss. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This section starts a fairly long flashback. I've got a couple of reactions to this passage.

First, flashbacks can be a useful tool for an author. It's not unusual in a novel for past events to have important consequences for the story. Using a flashback at the appropriate time and advance the plat and increase tension.

However, flashbacks are difficult to execute. Because they disrupt the natural flow of events by distrupting the timeline, they tend to pull readers out of the story. It's important to set them with a lead-in and to have clear transitions to the past and back again to the present.

You've got clear transitions, via the centered pound signs. The lead-in is adequate, although it feels a bit forced. However, this certainly disrupts the flow of the story. You want the readers worrying about that bullet in Luke's lung, and but we've left the here-and-now of present danger for a leisurely stroll down memory lane.

Second, and this is more important, the entire segment is narrated, as if the readers are sitting across the table from Luke and he's talking to them. It's easy to fall into this pattern with first person narrators, and it's the big reason that first person is much harder to do well than third person limited. For a flashback to be effective, you should treat it just like the rest of the story: there should be dialogue, setting, and action. Instead, what we have is the narrating telling he talked to people, looked at spreadsheets, and so on. We don't actually see characters in motion, speaking and acting.

Just as an FYI, most editors will discourage a flashback in a short story or in the first chapter of a novel. The reasoning is that you should fully establish the main timeframe and action of the story first, and in a shorter item like a story or a chapter, you haven't got enough space to do that AND fully realize the past events. For example, showing rather than telling this segment would surely increase the length by at least 50%, and probably more.

I'm not saying don't do a flashback, but it's probable that including a flashback in a short story will make it more difficult to place. If you can tell your story in a linear manner, you'll likely have better luck selling it. *Exclaim*

*Cut* Over the next two weeks, I twisted and turned through the labyrinth, which were their finances. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: no comma *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Hey bud, we're here."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This returns us to the scene in taxi. It's almost always a good idea to orient the reader in time and space at the start of scene, usually by having the point-of-view character do something or react to something in his environment, thus drawing the reader into his head and into the story. Starting with a disembodied voice speaking does the opposite. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The taxi pulled up at my apartment. Getting out of a taxi was as painful as getting in.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "taxi" used in successive sentences. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. For this reason, it's generally better to have more varied word choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"So it was you that shot me Steve.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: He must have recognized him at once on entering, so why not say "Steve" at that point, instead of "a man?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Why, it’s quite simple Taylor.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: What is his facial expression and tone of voice here? And what is Luke thinking? For a nitpick...there should be a comma after "simple." *Exclaim*

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Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
260
260
Review of REDSTORM rising  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
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Item Reviewed: "REDSTORM rising" 
Author opus
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Set in Germany in 1934, this chapter launches what promises to be an intricate thriller. We meet Patrick Hitler, an Irish-German nephew of the fuhrer, along with conspirators in the Hohenzollern movement. At the end, we meet an "SD" radio operator and his oafish Gestapo supervisor.

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*Check2*Point of view and style
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters from through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

I've tried to mark a couple of spots, in the line-by-line comments below, the places where the narration shifts from being in the head of first one character and then another. That's a hallmark of omniscient narration, where the author--and the reader--are privy to everyone's thoughts.

My first suggestion for this piece is that you mark off the scene changes and then identify one point of view character for each scene.

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*Check2*Referencing
You've told us we're in Germany in 1934, of course, but you've also added numerous elements to establish the locale. There's the burned out ice cream parlor, and the reference to the night of the long knives, for example. The only possible inconsistency that I saw was in the discussion of getting ready for war, as though the general public were already in 1934 resigned--or eager, as the case may be--for this. It's been a while since I've read "The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich," but I have a general recollection that Germans, and especially the armed forces, feared a war with the west right up to 1939.

You've added a few details, such as the seals or the winter foodstuffs, but it wouldn't hurt to have a few more. Clothing, for example would have been quite different. Adding these--without being obtrusive--would help to immerse readers in a different era.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
At the beginning, we had a LOT of setting. This continued through the landing on the island, all of which helped to ground the action. However, the last scene, with the radio operator, had no setting. I'd suggest adding a touch, to help stimulate the readers' imaginations.

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*Check2*Characters
We're just getting to know the characters...Patrick seems like a young innocent, just looking for a job. The other characters swirl about him, with their own ominous agendas for him.

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*Check2*Grammar
I saw quite a few apostrophe and quote errors and inconsistencies. I don't generally read for copy errors of this type, but there were enough to be pretty distracting.

Sometimes it helps to read your copy line-by-line, but starting at the end. By reading it backwards, you don't get drawn into the story and it's sometimes easier to find typos and related errors.

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!


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*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You've clearly got an intricate plot here, and I believe that you have thoroughly researched the background of the era. You've done a good job of putting Patrick in jeopardy, as well. One thing that might be missing is a reason for the readers to like Patrick. You might consider having him perform some random act of kindness to establish is bona fides. Screenwriters call this "saving the cat." You've done opposite, "kicking the dog," with the Gestapo thug at the end: he's loathsome.

I enjoyed reading this chapter. The tension is good, and I appreciated the research that went into it. In many places, the prose glows. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!!!

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*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
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*Cut*He comes over to the new Reich on a freighter from Ireland in November of 1934, slipping in through the rain and fog with his passport and visa, evading the main customs ports, seeking the lay of the new Deutschland.

A childhood of poverty had produced a spare young man, six feet tall, travelling light, travelling alert. A cat’s journey, move, observe, and then move again...*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical to any work of fiction. They are your first and best chance to draw readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Starting in media res, in the "middle of things," is surely a good rule. Along this line, putting the reader in the head of a point-of-view character also helps draw readers into your story. Finally, naming your character helps the readers connect with him.

Starting, as you do here, with an omniscient narrator talking about an unnamed character--"he" in the first sentence has no antecedent--puts the reader outside the story, looking in. The last sentence in the above quote also constitutes the narrator standing outside looking on, telling the reader things. That's just the opposite of what modern readers, editors and agents expect.

I would start with the conversation on deck as the ship comes in to harbor (I'm assuming this is between Patrick and crew member on the ship). If you could put the reader in Patrick's head right then, perhaps with reacting to the smell of salt air, or the bite of a frigid November wind, you'd be ahead. He could see the Nazi flag flapping on the tug, and think how recently it changed from the old banner.

You've also conveyed a lot of information in the opening paragraphs. Surely the readers will need to know these things, but do they need to know them right now? You've got an entire novel to establish the facts of your fictional world. It's more intimate and immediate for readers if they encounter this world holistically, the way we encounter the real world. If the information is immediate, try to construct a way to reveal it through the words and deeds of your characters rather than through author narration.

The point here is to make this more immediate. The prose here is lovely. Apply that talent, which is considerable, by tweaking the action to draw readers into the setting and plot. *Exclaim*

*Cut*WP walks past the stanchions on the port rail. The captain’s launch is checked by two seamen. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Who or what is WP? Also, "is checked" is passive voice. This tends to put the readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining the fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are generally better. *Exclaim*

*Cut*We load coal for the return run unless we so we pick up enough light freight and return to Cobh.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Something is amiss with this sentence. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Squinting against the haze, he sees the puffer smoke form the island light rail goods shunter. He sees an aircraft rise, flashing against the sun, that intrigues him.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "he sees" filter the sensory information through your character. It's better to establish his point of view and then describe WHAT he sees directly; once you're in his head, readers will infer he sees it. If you want to emphasize that fact, have him react in some way.

Also, the last phrase is telling the reader he's intrigued; can you show he's interested by some physical response? If all else fails, put a thought in his head..."He wondered what that was about..." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Can your crew place me ashore in Wagenroog? There is a customs dock,”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Missing open quote. I'd consider using the contraction "there's" in dialogue, for verisimilitude. Finally, how does he know there's a custom house there? The last time he was here was as child. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Peace on the starboard side, the first glimmer of warfare on the port side, muses Keegan*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: You've correctly used italics to denote an internal thought, but you don't need "thought tags" like "he mused." The convention is to just use italics.

Notice, too, that we've shifted point-of-view from Patrick to Keegan. The shift was pretty abrupt, happening mid-scene. This is confusing to readers--it confused me! Generally, you should stick with one point-of-view character per scene for just this reason. Finally, the reference to "William" later in this passage eluded me--we don't learn that's Patrick's first name until later. *Exclaim*.

*Cut*William Patrick Hitler*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: So "WP" is short for William Patrick...but this is a bit too late to let the reader know they are the same character. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Guten Tagen ‘s are muttered, but no’ hellos, no where you from? *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Misplaced apostrophes. Also, I don't speak German but isn't "guten tagen" already plural? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Slow, yet people I`ve picked a good week of November.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Something amiss with this sentence. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He reasons, feeling the exhilaration of unseen observation. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Note here we are clearly in Patrick's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“I certainly will. My name, extending his hand, is – William Patrick. I ‘m also called WP.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This segment could use some nonverbal cues here and there about who is speaking. What is the old man's expression? What does his voice sound like? Are there smells, or other elements to help put the reader into the scene.

Also there are several missing open/close quotes, and inconsistencies between double and single quotes. *Exclaim*

*Cut*‘ you are wise enough to arrive through the back door, unannounced, and you aren’t deceived by Potemkin villages. You could be very useful.
But are you really wise, young William? Can you keep secrets, be bound to friends? In the New Germany where power factions new and old vie for supremacy, will you learn to skirt the cauldrons? Its catch and realise time. `*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Who is thinking this? The old man? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Catch and release, thinks Werner.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here we have clearly hopped into Werner's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The Island SD detachment radio operator pulls off his headset in frustration. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, we're in a new character's head to the end of the chapter. Since we're in a new scene, that's ok. However, you need to first orient the readers to alert them that they ARE in a new location, with new characters. Essentially, this whole last scene occurs with no setting at all. *Exclaim*

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
261
261
Review of Cute Guy Tim  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the "sponsored items" tab on the main page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
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Item Reviewed: "Cute Guy Tim" 
Author aralls
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
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As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

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*Check2*Plot
Our narrator at last gets a date with the cute guy she's been flirting with at the coffee shop. Turns out it was a bird-brained idea, so to speak. Alas, this hilarious romp describes dates I've had, except I lacked the ability to see the humor...

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*Check2*Style and Voice
First person, fictional past.

At the end, I realized I didn't know the name of the narrator. I did a quick re-scan and didn't see it mentioned. Naming her would help to draw readers into her head, so I'd try to find a way to do so as early as possible.

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*Check2*Referencing
Modern day, from tweeting, to iPhones, to the topic of the museum.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
Well, this was a little sparse. I had no problem with staging, and I admit setting is a matter of taste. I have the sense you were working against a word limit, too, so I can't really complain.

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*Check2*Characters
I loved the self-deprecating humor of the narrator. Most people would probably think you were exaggerating about Cute Guy. I know better. He, too, was believable. In fact, I think I've dated him myself.

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*Check2*Grammar
I found a couple of minor nits to pick, noted in the line-by-line comments below. Nothing major.

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*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I made a couple of minor suggestions in the line-by-line remarks below that expand on the above ideas in particular ways.

In terms of structure, the story follows a nonlinear timeline. You executed this smoothly, but generally a short story will flow better if you follow a linear timeline. It wouldn't take much rearranging to start with the birds as opposed to the creepy picture, and you'd have a linear story.

I really loved the humor in this story. It's not often that I laugh out loud while reading, and this one made me spray coffee on my keyboard. The characters are great, and the dialogue and narration pop. The ending fell a little flat for me, but that's only because the rest of the story really sparkled.

I'm so glad I read this today! It's been the high point of my morning. Thanks for sharing!


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*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*I was okay until he brought out the picture of his grandmother. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I liked your opening paragraph quite a lot. It gave a great introduction to your character and the set up the story well. But I guess I'm feeling picky this morning. The "he" in this sentence has no antecedent, even if it's only "blind-date-from-hellheck-guy." *Exclaim*

“*Cut*It’s nice how they matched the lining of the coffin to her dress.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I NEVER laugh out loud while reading...except this time! I do wish for some kind of dialogue tag, though. *Exclaim*

*Cut*(Not a good first line for a date, Cute Guy Tim.)*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd drop the parenthetic comments. Editors hate them. My freshman comp teacher hated them. I don't like them, since they interrupt the otherwise natural flow of the story. This one (and the one above) are part of the witty commentary that the narrator keeps up throughout. No reason to put in distracting parentheses. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Leaving, I made the mistake of thinking the very wrong thought of “Well, it can only get better from here”. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The editorial standard for internal thoughts is to put them intalics and to omit "thought tags." *Exclaim*

*Cut*I don’t remember most of it because I was googling ‘tetanus by birds’ on my iphone.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: iPhone. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Thud! My head hit the table as I prayed to lose consciousness. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I confess, I felt a bit let down by this ending. I'm tempted to suggest ending with his exclamation in the preceding paragraph, but if you did that I think you'd need to set it up a bit more. As it stands, though, I felt like the story just kind of stopped as opposed to ending. *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Tricks and Treats ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **

262
262
Review of Criminal Action  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Criminal Action" 
Author Dobie Mom
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Two thieves plan their crime against an unsuspecting household. Stealth and deception make the deed possible, much to their mutual satisfaction. There's a nice little twist to this story that I won't reveal here--but readers of this review should beware, as there are spoilers below! Read the story first, so the review won't spoil the ending for you.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
Third person omniscient.

I truly think this story would be more effective if you used third person limited, probably in the point of view of the one who did the theft rather than than the one responsible for the diversion. Give him a name that doesn't give anything away--"Mac" might work, for example. I'd also consider foreshadowing a bit through your POV character--perhaps he twitches his nose and catches a distant whiff of the cook's perfume.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Consistent with modern day.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging...adding scent was great, especially given the word limitations!

________________
*Check2*Characters
See above. I'd try to get the reader into the head of one of the characters, to make the ending more of a twist.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are at least 11 in this short piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I think it's especially important to attend to the fictional dream in flash fiction, where you've got such a short span to draw the reader in. I've made some specific comments about the opening below.

I also think you gave away your twist too early, after the phrase, "In a burst..." If you were in the point of view of the, uh, other character, you could have him shudder and slink into the shadows when the "burst" of action occurs, making it less clear that it's his accomplice doing it. I'd save the reveal for the very end, if at all possible. The reader should have the satisfaction of seeing it coming and then having closure when the reveal occurs.

I enjoyed this story quite a lot. It's almost impossible to tell a complete story in just 300 words, and you did an excellent job! Thanks for sharing!!


________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*The two sat patiently, salivating at the thought of the prize of a lifetime. Conducting surveillance silently they conspired to move forward with their criminal plan. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical. They are your first and best chance to draw readers into your fictional world.

This one establishes the scene, sets up the plot, and orients the readers in time and space. That's all excellent. But it puts the reader outside the story, looking in. It tells us they are sitting patiently and silently surveying the scene. If you could, instead, put us in the head of one of the, er, miscreants, have him doing something or reacting to his surroundings in some way, I think it would be a stronger opening. For example, he might huddle in the shadows and twitch his head at a wordless murmur of conversation from upstairs. That establishes stealth and silence through his actions. To the extent that you can reveal information through your characters, thorugh their thoughts or reactions to their environment, you will have a more intimate and immediate experience for your readers. (I understand you can't really reveal anything through their words...) *Exclaim*

*Cut*An unlikely duo, combining efforts to achieve a shared goal, one peered into the kitchen while the other searched for the unsuspecting homeowner’s whereabouts. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Again, this is an external narrator, standing outside the story, looking in. Instead, you want to draw your reader into the story to engage their imagination as your partner in creating the fictional world. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Making his way to the far edge, with an effortless leap he pounced onto the birdcage, knocking it over with a sickening crash. Immediately the birds started squawking and screeching loudly as if their lives depended upon getting help — and they did!*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm going to pick on these two sentence as an example of some things I've noticed. First, the use leading of participles (-ing words) can make your writing less direct: it separates the actor from the action. In addition, repeating words, phrases and sounds runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone: you've used "-ing" words over 40 times in this piece, enough that I noticed. Finally, the adverb "loudly" in the second sentence isn't really needed. You've got great, descriptive verbs--"squawking and screeching"--and the "loudly" is both redundant and slows the pace. *Exclaim*



________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
263
263
Review of The Shadow Zone  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "The Shadow Zone" 
Author Farooq
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I apologize for my dilatory response to your request. I've been swamped at work and have had computer challenges at home. Thanks for your patience.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Veer holds his troubled family unit together, despite his mother's mental illness and constant negativity from his twin Dario. When the family receives an inheritance, things seem to turn around. Veer falls in love and his mother obtains treatment. But Dario can't stand it; the two fight, Veer stabs him and flees with his lover, thinking he's killed his twin. But there are twists of fate that await...

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
Mostly this is in Veer's point of view, except that it swaps on occasion to Dario, and in places to Gehna--his wife--and to Issam, his friend.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern day India.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Kind of sparse, but sufficient for staging purposes. Some of the narrated back-story could be revealed by little details of setting. An old playbill of Veer's father's dancing troupe, for example, framed and on the wall, perhaps with his mother, would show a great deal of the narrated backstory.

________________
*Check2*Characters
The basis for this story is the deep connection between Veer and his twin Dario. Without giving away the plot twist, I think this would be stronger if we saw everything through Veer's eyes--at least up until the scene in the park toward the ending. You more or less do this anyway, and the few little slips to Dario (for example, when he spies on Gehna and Veer making love) could be revealed in conversation between them.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
A few minor nits in the line-by-line comments.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

My biggest suggestion for this story is that you focus on eliminating the narrated sections. If they are important to the story, then figure out a way to reveal the essential information through the words and deeds of your characters or--possibly, as I suggested above--through details of setting. Narrated back-story, known as "info-dumps," are the surest way to stop a story dead in its tracks. In particular in this story, it's important to keep the surreal horror twisting in the readers' minds.

Secondarily, I don't think you need the long explanation at the end, after Dario attacks Gehna and Issam. It reminded me of the explanation at the end of "Psycho." Perhaps in 1962 people weren't familiar with the concept behind the Norman Bates character, but today it's pretty commonplace. I don't think you need it at all. The last line provides a nice shudder, but I think you could end it with the attacks and Veer just adjusting his cuffs and walking away from a blood-drenched scene, as if nothing had happened.

I really liked the concept of this story a lot, and you did a good job of both foreshadowing the twist and keeping the reader in suspense. Thanks for sharing and for asking me to read it!!!

Keep writing!!


________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*He climbed the stairs like a prowler; his body growing tense from the negative emotions. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I’m not a big fan of prologues. This one seems to give away an important plot twist, although in retrospect it’s more confusing than anything. This could increase tension—who is pushing, who is falling—but it also can dissipate it. In addition, this opening feels very much like an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story looking in, reciting facts. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The striker of the ball moved fast, dodging the players. Eyes blazing with determination, he ran towards the goal post. Pausing for a fleeting second, he gave the ball a powerful kick. Veer Suri lunged forward to save the goal, but the ball arched and hit the net. A cry of jubilation filled the air as his team-mates stormed towards the striker, hoisting him on their shoulders.



Veer watched with a sinking spirit*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any piece of fiction. They are your first and best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

As with the prologue, the first sentence feels like we are outside events looking on. It’s not until the first sentence of the second paragraph that we learn that Veer is the point of view character where the “sinking feeling” places us intimately inside his head. If you could re-work this so that we are inside Veer’s head from the outset, it would be more immediate and intimate for the readers and help to draw them into the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut* a solar plexus in his stomach each time.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Isn’t “solar plexus” a location? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Veer was twenty-eight and held a job as a desk clerk in the Indian town of Neral. A light breeze played with his long wavy hair. He was tall and lean with a square jaw and a slender nose. Behind his horn rimmed glasses, hid a handsome face. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: He can’t see himself, and he’s unlikely to be thinking about his appearance, so this is a point-of-view violation. There are ways to sneak in a description of your main character without having the author intrude to state it as a fact. *Exclaim*

*Cut*His cat mewed as it glided into the room. He picked it up with an embrace, “You are so warm.” It was the only thing that made him happy.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: wouldn’t he think of his pet—the only thing that made him happy—as a “he” or “she” rather than an “it?” *Exclaim*

*Cut*Veer thought about his toy giraffes he had lost several years back. Saying their names comforted him. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: He’s 28 and he misses toy giraffes? I understand what you're doing here--foreshadowing--but it just seemed peculiar and a little unbelievable. A couple of tweaks and you could make it creepy and forboding, which would help with the foreshadowing. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Seera was a beautiful, shy introverted girl whose one passion in life was dancing. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here the story stops while the author tells the reader stuff. This is important stuff, to be sure, but it’s all narrated background. If the reader needs to know it, it’s worth revealing it in the words and deeds of the characters, not as narration. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Dario watched their slithering naked bodies hidden behind a curtain. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Hops from Veer’s head to Dario’s *Exclaim*

*Cut*On one such trip, Veer was away to visit his mother and Gehna was alone.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: We’ve jumped to Issam’s head. The events you narrate here are critical to the plot, but they feel distant since we learn of them indirectly, rather than through the words and deeds of the characters. *Exclaim*



________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
264
264
Review of Passage  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Passage" 
Author elizjohn
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
Olivette's mother exults in her tales of bondo devils, but for Olivette they hold only horror and fear. The devils must be real: her mother, her aunts, and her grandmother all make preparation for their arrival. Worse, Ollivette remembers when the last time they came. She remembers her sister covered in blood, the sister whose ghost now haunts her dreams.

When the appointed day arrives, Ollivette tries to assuage the devils with a sacrifice of nuts, but that's not what they want. Her female relatives betray her, hold her down, and the devils' will is done by her own mother, kneeling, using a rusty blade.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Olivette's head. No slips.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
I could have used a touch more referencing to establish where and when this was happening. There are no inconsistencies...but then I'm not entirely sure of the location. I think it's in rural Africa, especially in view of the context, but I'm not entirely sure.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
See above. The setting is virtually nonexistent. For example, when Ollivette lies away watching the final embers of the flame, I wondered where the fire was at? Outside the hut? Inside? Is she alone, or are others sleeping nearby?

__________
*Check2*Characters
Olivette comes through clearly. We meet her through her words, deeds, and internal thoughts. But she's really the only character we meet. Her mother, even at the very start, doesn't speak--her words are narrated, in paraphrase. Later she does speak, but we don't get a sense of her motivations or who she is. The horrors that happen in this story don't arise because people want to do evil things--they almost always think they are doing the right thing, the virtuous thing, even when it is evil. That makes it even more horrifying. I'd try to add some depth to the Mother's character.

__________
*Check2*Grammar
A couple of minor nits, noted in the line-by-line comments below.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
I really liked this story. The topic is so important, you did a wonderful job, both with Olivette's horror and fear and with the inevitability of what happened. But I think the story's impact is a little flat because we're not deeply inside Olivette's head and because the other characters are pretty flat, with not much development. I'd also add a touch of description to help the reader establish the location--what smells and sounds surround Olivette, along with the things she sees and the words people speak.

I don't want this review to give away the ending to this story. Unlike typical horror fare, this one is about a real horror that happens to children every day. You've written with a sensitivity I could not match--my rage would, I fear, overwhelm me. But you are so correct that this is a horror story, and one that involves a helpless child. It deserves to be the most intimate and immediate story you can write--which is where I've directed my comments below.

Thanks so much for writing this, and for sharing it.


__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut* Olivette sat and listened to her mother tell the stories.

The bondo devils would come and they would celebrate, she would say. They would dance in the dirt roads, the bondo devils, shrieking and wailing their song, as the villagers pranced behind them, joyous and exuberant.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: As you know, I'm picky about openings. They are your first and best chance to draw readers into your fictional world.
This one names your point-of-view character and has her doing something--listening. But it's all kind of passive and it doesn't put us in Olivette's head. Maybe an electric shiver tingles down her spine at her mother's words? That intimate shiver puts us in her head, and makes this more active. Maybe she squirms at the her mother's husky whisper?

In the second paragraph, you are narrating her mother's words instead of putting them in her mouth. I'd quote her, and give her voice timbre and her body a physical presence. I'd also orient the readers as to location--just a word or two, so that we don't have two characters sitting in the middle of nowhere. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Her mother would tell her the stories and she would smile.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I guess I'm feeling picky. I think there are too many pronouns here: I can't tell who is smiling. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Her mother loved to tell her the stories, but Olivette feared her tales.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is the author intruding to state a pair of facts. Perhaps glee dances in her mother's eyes as she tells the tales, while fear clenches at Olivette's core...show the mother loving it and show Olivette being afraid... *Exclaim*

*Cut*She had screamed and screamed. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd confirm we're talking about Aminata here, for clarity... *Exclaim*

*Cut*In the long shadows cast upon the walls, she saw the haphazard shape of Aminata, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: When you write, "she saw," you filter the image through Olivette. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for your readers if you describe directly what she saw. Readers will infer she saw it, since we're in her point of view. To emphasize she saw it, you might have her react in some way. *Exclaim*

*Cut*her mother found an old, rusted blade. She went to the river and washed the blade; *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "blade" used twice in close proximity. Repeating words and phrases like this can make your prose seem monotone, so more varied word choice is often preferable. *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Tricks and Treats ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **

265
265
Review by
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What a useful compendium of information!!!

Another easy-to-read and reliable source of grammatical information on the web is Purdue University's online writing lab. The grammar section is located here:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/1/5/

It's cheaper than purchasing CMS and will answer all but the most obscure questions. It's also easier to navigate! You might consider adding it as a reference to your already impressive essay.

Anyway, thanks for posting this. With your permission, I would like to link it to the resources page for my writing group's public review site:
FORUM
Crosstimbers Review Forum  (18+)
Free, honest, and in-depth reviews.
#1848419 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈


Thanks again!

Max
266
266
Review of In Silent Service  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "In Silent Service" 
Author Andrew Smith
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
In the near future, technically advanced but tactically impaired aliens launch attacks against Earth. A few nations still have military forces, the financial crisis having reduces military spending. Those few join together to repel attacks.

Our first-person narrator is a sonar-tech aboard the reactivated attack submarine US Miami. His days consist of cleaning latrines and boring watches until the aliens launch another attack. Two alien craft get through, one attacks the Miami, which launches torpedoes that send the alien craft to the bottom of the Pacific, but not before the aliens sink a surface ship in the fleet. We hear the battle through the sonar sounds, and it's all over quickly.

A few days later, the sub returns to Hickam (Pearl Harbor) for supplies and leave. The narrator is grateful for the silence.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
First person. I'm pretty sure we never learn the narrator's name, which makes him an anonymous everyman. However, readers will generally identify better with a narrator with a name, so I'd recommend having someone address him directly--preferably in the first paragraph. If you want to make him an everyman, give him a name like John Jones, or Joe Brown.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Near future, all consistent.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Submarines are really cramped, almost claustrophobic. It's my understanding that the passageways are used to store supplies when they are on deployment (or maybe that's just strategic missile fleet?), so that the crew walks crouched over from place to place. Also, I'd expect there to be odors beyond those mentioned in the opening. For almost all readers, the sub will be an alien environment, so little touches here and there will help bring it to life.

________________
*Check2*Characters
I got a good feeling for the narrator and his general sense of detachment and boredom. I'm sure that these are quite realistic. The other characters, though, are pretty flat. I understand we're seeing them through the narrator's eyes, and he's alienated, but I'd still expect a bit more animation from them. Just as an example, at the end you narrate Brown's conversation about going surfing rather than putting the actual words in his mouth and showing his body language as he gazes out at the ocean. Your narrator can be detached from reality, but you want your readers connected with the reality of the story--it's a fine line.


________________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!


________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I'm willing to bet that some readers will complain that "nothing happens" in this story, or that the battle scene isn't thrilling or enough of a climax. I disagree. Indeed, I think that's a good part of the point you are making. Deployments like this ARE boring, with lots of mind-numbing training and menial chores. I've talked to submariners, and I understand losing track of day and night--a nice point. The battle itself is all long-distance and surreal. Again, i think you've portrayed it in exactly the right way.

Because of the character of the battle, your character also reacts in a way that's consistent with how you've portrayed him. He does think about the crew of the Lake Champlain, also at the bottom of the Pacific, and their cold sleep. You've also got a great final sentence.

I do think that the story could use more tension, but wouldn't look to the battle to provide it. I'm not quite sure about the goal of the story, so I'm not sure I can provide useful advice here, but I think this is character-driven rather than action-driven. For that reason, more insights into the character's psychology might provide more tension and forward movement.

Thanks for asking me to review this story. You've got interesting characters and a great plot. I enjoyed reading it!

Keep writing!


________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*After scarfing down the chicken and picking at the pile of green beans I slid down the narrow p-way into combat dipping past the skipper as he peered through the periscopes. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: …missing commas… *Exclaim*

*Cut*I squeezed behind the cramped consuls to the black door of the sonar control room. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: consoles. *Exclaim*

.*Cut* I dawned the oversized headphones, now it began. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice. Typo: donned, not “dawned.” *Exclaim*

*Cut*The last cluster of alien ships had splashed down in the pacific a few degrees north of the equator about four months ago. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This launches several paragraphs of narrated backstory. Some of it is essential to the plot, but other parts seem less so. In any case, this stops the story cold. Is there a way to relay the essential bits of information through the words and deeds of the characters? Maybe one of them speculates about what the aliens look like or what they want? Maybe an old-timer longs for the good old days of facing down the Russians. Maybe someone is a big Tom Clancy fan? Just having one of them say, “after the losses we took in winning the battle of Seattle…” or something similar conveys information without stopping the story for narrated background. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The next morning I was jolted from my sleep by the call of reveille. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: passive voice, which puts the readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are generally better. *Exclaim*



________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
267
267
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Shatter the Silence" 
Author Mairead
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Gillian is a washed up actress. She's hung over, has a headache, and isn't sure what time it is when her agent calls and demands a meeting. She primps to get ready and, when she arrives at the office, his staff assistant Marjorie keeps her waiting. At last she gets in, only to learn that her agent plans to fire her. They fight, and the agent knocks her to the floor and kicks her just when Marjorie arrives with a letter opener...

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
Third person limited, in Gillian's point of view.

I love metaphor and simile. I probably use them too much. But this piece feels stuffed to overflowing with clever little bits. Any literary style that calls attention to itself will pull the reader out of the story and thus be contrary one of the author's primary goals, which is to create a fictional dream for the reader. Metaphor and simile are like the spices in prose. Too much, and they overpower the underlying flavor. Just right, and they enhance the characterization, plot, and mood. I felt this had way too much.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern era but--given the lack of cell phones and social media--probably not modern day.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. Using the photographs to establish Gillian's profession was good, but I did't get much other feel for her apartment. Jeremy's office, with the red, featureless walls, was good.

________________
*Check2*Characters
We got a pretty good view of Gillian: insecure, not too bright, abused. I didn't pick up on "difficult," which Marjorie mentioned at the end. I think that's important to the plot, so I'd have her be snippy to the doorman and the cab driver, for example. Jeremy's arrogance and abusive character come out fine. Marjorie, though, was the least well drawn, and thus I wasn't prepared for her sudden appearance at the end.

________________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

As I noted above, I think the rather flowery language somewhat interfered with the story line which was, after all, a kind of hard-boiled murder story.

I also thought that you might have introduced Marjorie earlier--perhaps she's the one who called to make the appointment, for example. She also felt a bit like a deus ex machina when she appeared at the climax. A touch more foreshadowing would be good. You foreshadowed Jeremy's violence, but not Marjorie's pivotal role.

The ending felt a little rushed, too. How will the fire hide the knife wound? Did the office burn down and his corpse destroyed? Even then, it's a pretty risky strategy. In any case, the ending felt rushed.

Overall, though, I thought you did a good job of showing Marjorie's state of mind. I understand that was the purpose of this assignment, so good work!!!

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*The telephone rang.

Gillian froze in her bed, startled by the sound. Her bed caught her like a trap and she stayed there until the phone fell into a deep slumber. She sighed, wiping the sleep from her eyes and smoothing down her hair. She wasn’t sure what time it was but, watching the sun streaming through her window, casting dancing shadows on her four walls, she knew it wasn’t early. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This isn't a bad opening. You name your point-of-view character, she reacts to the world around her which helps draw readers into her head, and you orient the readers in space and time.

I do have some suggestions. Since openings are so critical, I'm going to be extra picky! First, the phrase "startled by the sound" is telling as opposed to showing. Something as simple as her breath catching in her throat at the sound might show she's startled, coupled with the fact that she froze.

I love simile and metaphor, but some of these feel a bit like you're reaching. The phone "falls into a deep slumber," and the shadows "dancing" might be too much and too close together, especially after the bed has caught her "like a trap."

Also, "bed" repeats in the second and third sentences, which runs the risk of making the prose seem monotone. You might have the "sheets" catch her like a trap instead. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Damn it,” her head throbbed, like a woodpecker had found its new nest in her hair,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment:...another simile. They are all clever, but so much cleverness might get in the way of drawing the reader into the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The picture tucked in the corner of the dresser came loose, catching in the gentle breeze that wafted through the open window, falling to her feet.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This sentence felt overly long, and the "picture" is separated from the action of "falling to her feet" by the clause describing the breeze. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Gillian threw on her silk nightgown, exhaustion setting in like a wet wool cloak. She pulled her nightgown around her shoulder, slowly, wincing and pulled open the door. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Yet another simile. Also, note that "pulled" appears twice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Gillian took ten steps, tentatively, to the end table that sat on the left hand side of the door,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "tentatively" is one of those adverbs I mentioned. It isn't really specific. Did she shuffle? Or did she start across the room, hesistate for a moment, and then continue? *Exclaim*

*Cut*the phone standing tall and vibrating ceaselessly. The sound rang like a harpy through Gillian’s pounding skull. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd skip the clause about the phone, and just say its ring shrilled like a harpy ... *Exclaim*

*Cut*The hall grew ten degrees colder. Gillian leaned against the doorframe, closed her eyes and breathed slowly, keeping her composure, while her head throbbed.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: excellent increase in tension and showing her reaction to the voice! *Exclaim*

*Cut*Gillian stumbled back to her room, collapsing on the silk sheets bundled up on her bed. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: See, I think this direct sentence is much more effective than the more poetic ones above. You've got good, strong verbs--"stumbled" and "collapsed"--that give precise descriptions of what she's done. Pepper this kind of writing with the occasional metaphor or simile for spice and variation, and you'll have effective descriptions. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Gillian closed her apartment door behind her and climbed down the stairs, cursing her 5th floor apartment.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Above you implied she smelled bad--the stench of last night's escapades clung to her skin. Isn't she going to shower? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Gillian watched Marjorie work; the constant clicking of her hands on the typewriter cacophonous while Marjorie moved back and forth at her desk, toe tapping frantically, almost starting a fire from the friction.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is another sentence that feels too busy with adjectives and metaphors. Also, when you write "Gillian watched," you filter the sensory information through her head. It's usually more immediate and intimate for readers if you describe directly what she watched. If you want to emphasize she was watching it, have her react in some way. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Marjorie’s head snapped up and said “Mr. Pearson will see you now.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: How does she know? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Jeremy, himself, had his legs crossed on his desk, leaning back in his chair and surveying everything like a hawk.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The main verb in this sentence is "had." Maybe Jeremy "lounged?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*while he ravaged her with his mind.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I don't understand what you mean here...maybe "IN his mind?" But that would be a POV violation. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Gillian touched her face tentatively.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Another "tentatively." Also, this is her reaction to his speech--her nonverbal reply. Thus, it should be in its own paragraph. *Exclaim*

*Cut*wearing tracks in the carpet. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: another metaphor...and this one's pretty trite. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The glass shattered into sparkling shards, the scotch racing down the walls like blood. Jeremy’s hand wrapped around her neck like a noose. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I infer she threw the glass? It's not clear... *Exclaim*

*Cut*Marjorie wiped the bloody knife off Jeremy’s sleeve, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: third repeat of "blood" or "bloody" in the last several sentences... *Exclaim*

*Cut*That’s all she could smell in the room that usually stank of scotch and broken dreams.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is a terrific sentence, but it's lost in a sea of metaphor and simile that came before it. *Exclaim*

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
268
268
Review of Abandon: My WIP  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Abandon: My WIP" 
Author Mairead
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Darcy lives at home with her dysfunctional mother. Her father has passed away, and her older sister is gone to "service." After a fight with her mother, she goes for a run and finds a high-school chum crying. It seems his younger brother has also been taken for "service," which seems to mean to die. They run, and share a sorrows. At the end, Darcy gives him a kiss, since his birthday was last week.


________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
Third person limited, in Darcy's head.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
This seems to be a near future after a nuclear war (or maybe nuclear accidents). Some young people are taken to a mysterious "service," the sky is green from radiation, making adolescence more angst-ridden than usual.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. My personal tastes run for more. Remember, we're in Darcy's head, so what she sees, hears, smells and tastes tell us about her, her world, and how she fits into it.

________________
*Check2*Characters
Darcy is neglected, left with caring for a parent who is emotionally damaged. She's behind on her homework, she's in cross-country (the loneliest sport), and misses her older sister.

Conrad is grief-stricken over his younger brother who is apparently not dead yet, just tortured and broken when he comes home at night (?). Conrad's got a girlfriend, too, a kick-boxer no less.

Darcy's mother is terrified people she loves will leave her. You might be interested that there is a personality disorder characterized by this fear--"borderline personality disorder." You might look it up and insert some of the behaviors into Darcy's mother's repertoire.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
This is pretty clean copy. I made some notes in the line-by-line comments below.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

One thing to be careful about is to be clear with your readers about essential plot elements. For example, I had to stop and think for a minute about the difference between what happened to Darcy's sister and COnrad's brother: apparently it's nothing. I also found it a bit annoying to not have more information about "service." We got a touch of information about what happens from Conrad, but not a clue "why." I understand not doing an info-dump, and I don't know where this is headed, but a touch more information might be helpful.

I'm also wondering what the hook is here? You've got the mysterious phone call that may or may not be from Darcy's sister, but that happens midway in the chapter and you kind of gloss over it. If that's the hook, I'd at a minimum remind readers of it again at the end.

The hook is connected to the stakes. What problem or challenge does Darcy have to overcome? Is it Conrad's little brother, her mother, Conrad's girlfriend, or the phone call? I have a feeling the call is the precipitating incident that launches the story, but that's not clear from the this opening.

On the plus side, Darcy and Conrad are sympathetic characters. I especially like that Darcy takes time to stop and listen to Conrad, to sympathize with him. You've also clearly got a well-thought-out future, and I'm grateful you resisted dumping too many details on me at the start. Overall, I'd say this is a strong start to your novel.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing!!!

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*Another day, another flying plate.

“Mom!” Darcy screamed, ducking as a cup followed the plate. Thankfully it just bounced off the wall, the corner chipping, but was otherwise salvageable. She stooped over, grasped the broken plate pieces in her hands and ignored the old wounds that re-opened and fresh ones making their debut. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any story. They are your first and best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world.

This one names your point-of-view character, orients the reader in space, and starts in the middle of an action. But there are some ways I think you could strengthen it.

First, I'd start with Darcy ducking the plate--not with the first sentence, and not with the exclamation "Mom!" I'd start with the action, and perhaps a touch of emotion to help ut the reader in Darcy's head.

Also, this doesn't quite establish the time of your story--a dystopian future. I'm not quite sure how you'd fit that in, except maybe instead of a cup you might have Mae throw a picture of the missing sister. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Mae Hallow was having another one of her episodes.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This starts a couple of paragraphs of narrated background. That stops the story cold, even if it does contain useful, even essential, information. However, the information is also a bit ambiguous and confusing--"taken for service" doesn't quite tell what's going on, I think. Indeed, by the end, I'm not quite sure what happened to Darcy's sister.

Finally, it was a bump when you wrote "Mae Hallow"--this felt like a new character for a moment. If you'd said, "Darcy's mom, Mae Hallow," then it would have been clear. *Exclaim*

*Cut*only to feel her tense against the touch. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The "to feel" filters the sensation of her mother tensing through Darcy. Usually, it's more immediate and intimate to describe what she felt directly. Readers will infer Darcy felt it, since you've established her point of view, and it's her fingers. *Exclaim*

*Cut*feeling tears scorch and well in her eyes.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Another "feeling..." *Exclaim* Am I nothing?

*Cut*“Mom...” Darcy grew uncomfortable.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: What does "uncomfortable" feel like? Does she wish her mother would shut up? Does her throat constrict, or a frown pull her lips down? "Uncomfortable" is both nonspecific and telling, as opposed to showing. *Exclaim*

*Cut*After the first three nuclear explosions, radiation seeped into the atmosphere and left an odd green glow across the skyline. The streets were almost deserted, as per usual, since the habitants’ feared contamination; even if the Alliance had assured them it was benign. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: another author intrusion. If a neighbor speaks to her, perhaps something like: "I don't care what them Alliance folks say, 'tain't safe. The radiation's gonna make you glow green just like them nukes did to the sky in heaven." Something like that, so that it falls naturally out of the words and deeds of characters instead of the author relating facts. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Conrad shuffles his feet through the gravel,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: shuffled *Exclaim*

b}*Cut*If the ground was a person, they would have been unconscious and bleeding by now, Darcy thought, but let him continue.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The convention is to put direct thoughts of your point-of-view character in italics, without "thought tags." *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Yeah,” Conrad smirked “they introduced a new law about twenty years ago, declaring each family were only allowed to have three children. Any more were supplementary. If the number went above three, the cycle would begin again, and the fourth child would then be the first born. And it is the duty of the first-born to protect and serve. Till death do us part.” There was no humour in his laugh and he slumped over the roundabout, grabbing its rusted steel bars between his hands. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This exchange feels forced, like Conrad is explaining things Darcy should know. Surely this must be common knowledge? Also, it's quite confusing. I guess it's the "first born" who is called to "service?" Except when there are four children, and then the fourth is called? . *Exclaim*

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
269
269
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "The Musket and the Sword. " 
Author General PGT Beauregard
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
An isolated battalion of French Fusiliers fights off a Russian assualt in the winter of 1812.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
I think this was in Gulliemont's point of view, using third person limited. However, there were several interludes of narrated background that made it a bit difficult to be sure.

One recommendation I have for this story is to establish the point of view in the very first paragraph. You might check out this essay "Inside or Outside"  for more details on what I have in mind.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Many references to the details of uniforms, weaponry and tactics of both the French and Russian armies of the day. This is clearly well-researched and quite detailed.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Winter in Moscow, 1812.

________________
*Check2*Characters
Gulliemont is a junior officer in Napoleon's army. This battle shows his courage and leadership.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
To be truthful, there are many, many grammatical and proofreading problems with this--so many, that it was often difficult to read for content. I'd recommend a refresher course in grammar and proofreading. For example, "Invalid Item"  offers courses here on WDC and has an excellent reputation.

*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!


________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You've got a thrilling battle in an iconic setting. You've done your background research and have detailed understanding of the tactics, weapons, and even the attitudes of the soldiers and their officers. This all has enormous potential. I think what you need to focus on is putting your readers in the moment of the battle. Often your descriptions feel like the narrator is standing outside of things, looking on. Instead, readers will want to experience this holistically, using Gulliemont's as their own. It's kind of like a movie, where the camera is the eye of the audience, except in fiction the point-of-view character serves that role.

Thanks for sharing! Your knowledge is quite impressive!

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*The cold winter blew through the Frenchmen’s white trousers. He wore a heavy leather coat made out of bearskin that was draped in wetness to keep warm from the extreme blizzard going through his face as he trudged in the heavy snow. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd name the Frenchman instead of using his nationality. That tends to put the reader outside the story looking in. Instead, we want the reader in his head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The Grandee Armee had invaded Russia at this time. The year was 1812. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I believe you mean Grande Armée. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Apart from the previously 145 men that had set out with the army to conquer Russia.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: fragment *Exclaim*

*Cut*His feet forming big gaps in the snow. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: fragment *Exclaim*

*Cut*’ he called out with a hark voice. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Did you mean "harsh" voice? *Exclaim*

*Cut*A call was heard in Russian.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Passive voice, which puts your readers in passive, receptive mood. Instead, you'd like them to be your active partners in imagining your story. Also, while I'm pretty sure you mean that Gulliemont heard it, but the phrasing leaves the identity of the "hearer" unknown. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Nothing could be seen in the dense heavy fog. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Passive voice again...see above. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The Line Fusilier or as they were called lent in the first line*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Something is amiss with the phrasing here. *Exclaim*

*Cut*‘’ On my order you will fire! ‘’ he barked.
‘’ What can I do? ‘’ asked Choinburnt. ‘’ Here, take this. ‘’ Gulliemont said in a hurry as he gave his sword to Choinburnt. ‘’A sword? What am I going to do with a sword!! ‘’ he shouted. ‘’ Oh shut up! ‘’ replied one of the fusiliers in the back. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Whenever a new person speaks, you should start a new paragraph. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Then a loud and blasting sound was heard stopped all conversation in the French side. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "was heard" is passive voice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*By now, there weren’t many of the Russian infantry left by now.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "by now" repeats *Exclaim*



________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
270
270
Review of Trophy Hunter  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Trophy Hunter" 
Author Coffeebean
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Lester's fighting a snowstorm, in a hurry to get home. Something gory is rolling around in the back of his Bronco. But then he spots a VW in a snowdrift and a forlorn, lonely woman flagging him down. He recognizes Charlotte, a local waitress. Ever the opportunist, and egged on by the Voices he hears, Lester stops and gives her a ride to his home, and a telephone. Of course, Lester and the Voices have something else in mind...


________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
Mostly this is third person limited, until the very end when we hop into Charlotte's head. I think you could work this so that we stayed with Lester throughout and increase the horror of the ending.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Seems to be modern day--Charlotte implies her cell phone doesn't work, for example.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Lester's kitchen and basement were well done--gross, but well-done.

________________
*Check2*Characters
Lester, Charlotte, and the Voices. I'd put the voices into the first paragraph, and make them as real as possible. They might drown out the radio, for example. You've already got them singing in rhythm with the wipers. Later, when Charlotte appears, you might give a hint that she hears them, too. Perhaps she tips her head, or frowns when they whisper in Lester's ear.

________________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

One reason to stick with Lester throughout is that a change in point-of-view will tend to pull readers out of the story. If we stay with Lester all the way to the end, you'll have a more cohesive experience for the readers. The basic idea is that you want the readers to experience the story through your POV character, who serves as the eyes and ears and other senses for the reader. Putting the reader in Lester's head puts them in the story. Leaving his head runs the risk of pulling them out of the fictional world.

On a similar vein, you have a couple of short flashbacks here: one to the incident with his parents and the sheriff, and another to his mother punishing him. Both of these tend to pull readers out of the here-and-now of events, disrupt the flow of the story, and again tend to pull the readers out of the fictional world. Further, neither of these are really essential to the plot, so I think you could just cut them.

I truly love endings with a twist, and I especially liked the ending to this story. If you can tweak it so we stay in Lester's head, as I noted above, I think you'll have a stronger story.

Thanks for sharing this chilling tale with me this morning! I enjoyed reading it.

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*On a very cold winter evening in the stark Nebraska Sandhills, a Ford Bronco barreled through climbing snowdrifts on County Road 87. As the sun was disappearing below the western horizon, the Bronco slid sideways and circled twice on the snow packed road before Lester regained control. He tightened his grip on the wheel, cursed the weather and gunned the decrepit vehicle’s engine. Chunks of ice catapulted from the undercarriage like transparent cannon balls, careening in every direction as the Bronco lurched forward. Lester’s latest trophy tumbled backwards, rolled in its own blood and came to rest against the Bronco’s hatch. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical to any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Here, you've oriented the reader in space and time, you've named your point of view character, and foreshadowed the plot with the trophy in the back. Those are all excellent points.

However, I think you could tweak it. The first two sentences describe the Bronco and the surroundings as if the narrator is standing outside the story, looking in. I'd recommend tweaking this slightly by putting the reader in Lester's head from the very first sentence. Maybe he tightens the grip on the steering and peers into the blizzard--something to center the reader first on Lester and then on his surroundings.

One final note. Mark Twain once said that whenever he was tempted to use the word "very" he'd substitute a cuss word instead. He knew his editor would delete the profanity, and then his copy would look the way it should have in the first place. The point is that "very" is one of those adverbs I mentioned above. In this case, perhaps "frigid" would be a more precise adjective than "very cold." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Lester tried to ignore the pesky noise. He tried to ignore the voices in his head, too. He didn’t want the voices in his head again, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The phrase "in his head" is used twice in close succession. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so more varied word choice is usually better. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Yeah, they don’t work out here half the time, not here in the hills.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This IS set in Nebraska, right? There are hills in Nebraska, right? *Smile* *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Where’s the phone?” Charlotte asked.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd expect some nonverbal cues from Charlotte here. Wide eyes, fidgety hands, a quaver in her voice, something. Or, given the ending, something a little different, like a little smile bends her lips. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Charlotte stood still, mesmerized at what she was looking at. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "mesmerized" tells us what's in her head. "as if mesmerized" stays with Lester. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The voices clamored, “Kill the bitch now.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This would be a place where Charlotte might toss her head, frown, and look around the room. That would foreshadow that she's hearing something, too. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The petite, blonde coed he had found on the steps of St. Mary's School of Nursing in Omaha didn’t do any of those things;*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment:...another mini-flashback that takes readers out of the moment. I'd really advise against that now, at the climax. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He was angry and confused.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is telling. The growl and the clenched fists in the prior sentence show his anger. If you want to emphasize it, you might have "rage pummel his soul and confusion rattle his mind" or something similar. That at least uses active verbs, which help to propel the momentum of the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She found what she needed; exactly what she needed.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Now we’re in Charlotte's head since we're told what she needed. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The blade had found its mark. Lester’s femoral artery was severed. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "was severed" is passive voice. Now, at the climax, I think active verb forms are most important. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She liked the way the handle fit her hand, it was well balanced and the curved blade was long enough for deep penetration. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: In Charlotte's head. Also, this is a comma splice. She might give a little croon, and caress the knife, which shows she liked the feel. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The voices commanded, “Cut off his ears, Charlotte.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: If you mean the voices to be in her head, then you've completed the hop from Lester's head to hers. On the other hand, if LESTER hears the voices command Charlotte as well, then you've made them into real entities. I think the chill would be more effective. *Exclaim*

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
271
271
Review of Memento Mori  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Memento Mori" 
Author Wings
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see you are fairly new to WDC, so I'd like to add my personal welcome to the site. This is a great place to make new friends and to learn and grow as an author. I hope you find your time here as rewarding as I've found mine.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Sandra is on the bomb squad. She's on the point: the member charged with snipping the wires that defuse the bomb. One wrong cut, and she's dead. The clock is ticking...

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
Third person limited, in Sandra's POV. No slips.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern day.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging, but otherwise pretty sparse. I'd consider a touch more, to make it even more claustrophobic in her suit.

________________
*Check2*Characters
Mostly this is Sandra, fighting the tension of defusing bombs.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
This is clean copy--good job!!!

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I made some comments on the opening that expand on the above basic idea. I think you could use a touch more intimacy in the very start, to put the readers solidly in Sandra's head. From that point on, you've got 'em.

I liked the framing of this story. You start and end with a countdown. The opening establishes the precedent and sets up the ending. Readers won't necessarily be aware of the symmetry except peripherally, but it adds to the cohesion.

I really liked this short story. It's filled with tension from the beginning. Thanks for sharing!!!

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut* Ten seconds until detonation. Red wire or green?! The seconds beeped softly in the small space but it might as well have been a fog horn.

Nine seconds. Red or green? Red or green! Sweat ran down Sandra’s neck and back like a faucet. A large slick patch was forming on the shirt under her bomb suit. There was enough explosive material here that the suit was practically useless. The digital display mocked her.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. They are the author's first and best chance to draw readers into their fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

In some ways, I really liked this opening. Are you familiar with the famous Hitchcock quote on bombs? Basically, he says that cutting back and forth between the ticking bomb and the characters adds tension to a scene--far more than just starting with the bang. Of course, he's right.

However, what works in cinema is less effective on printed page. In cinema, the camera is the eye of the audience, and it takes in the scene. On the printed page, it's the job of the author to create the scene in the readers' heads, to stimulate their imagination so that the fictional world becomes real.

So, like the idea of the first sentence and the countdown. But the second and third sentences need to orient the reader in space, time, action, and, most importantly, point of view. In fiction, reader sees the events through the senses of the point of view character and not through the camera. For this reason, after the first sentence, I'd consider something that put the reader in Sandra's head and did the other tasks of orientation. For example, maybe sweat burns in her eyes while she squints at the tangle of wires and explosives. Have a muffled voice snap at her over her earpiece, as you do later, but be sure to orient the reader that the source is the earpiece, so they are not disembodied. These are all minor tweaks, but they will make the opening--and the rest of the story--more immediate and intimate for the readers. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“We have a confirmed report of a bomb on 27th and Vicar Ave. Be advised the device is unknown. Building has been evacuated.” *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Shouldn't they say, "another bomb?" Also, wouldn't it be unusual for there to be two bombs, so close together, I one day? From later context, I infer there's some kind of "mad bomber" that they are pursuing, so laying the groundwork for that with a sentence or two might be helpful. *Exclaim*

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
272
272
Review of Grandpas Visit  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to read this story. I love tales of the supernatural.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Grandpas Visit" 
Author Lesley Scott
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
Our unnamed narrator comes home and hears her son, Tony, chatting with his imaginary friend. When she listens more closely, she senses that it's different, that he's answering questions. She strides forward, and her son becomes agitated, beseeching the unseen companion to not leave. Upon quizzing him, he describes his grandfather, who died two years before he was born.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
First person, in the mother's head.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
SOmetime in the last twnety years, in a rural setting.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sparse--enough to know where they were. You don't need a lot of setting, but you're missing an opportunity to advance character, plot, mood and even theme by showing what the narrator sees, where she lives, and how she interacts with her environment.

__________
*Check2*Characters
THe narrator, Tony, and the unseen grandfather.


__________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
No errors stood out.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is an interesting sequence of events, but it needs much more detail to make it a compelling story. Since you've asked for details, I'm going to deconstruct it in some detail.

There is much potential here. You've got all the essential elements of spooky or even inspiring story.

First, you've followed a natural dramatic presentation here with this story, something called the "three act play." Now, this is a story, not a play, but the dramatic sequence still makes sense.

The first "act" establishes the characters and their relationship. It usually includes a precipitating incident that challenges one or more characters and will change their lives. You've got this in your first paragraph.

The second "act" consists of the protagonists efforts to solve the problem. The tension increases as the protagonist struggles with the problem. Your second act is when the mother hears Tony speaking understands that something is different this time. It continues as she enters the room and challenges him, and the companion leaves.

The third act is the climax, where the conflict comes to resolution and changes the lives of the characters. In a short story, the climax usually is as close as possible to the ending, since it dissipates the tension. Your third act occurs when the little boy describes his grandfather, and we learn why he appeared to Tony and not his mother.

You can see from this that you've got a perfect setup for a classic story in three acts. What you haven't done is flesh out each act in a dramatic way. The action needs to take place not through narration but rather by putting your characters in motion, in word and deed. They move through a fictional world of your construction that resonates with the dramatic action and the thematic material. You get to construct that world and choose the actions that lead the reader through all three acts.

So, for your first scene, you might start by creating a scene with the mother and son coming home to their mobile home. She's tired from her job, the place is run down, cold if it's winter, hot and humid if it's summer. She's got to fix a meal. Tony is a bubbly counterpoint to her lethargy, perhaps chatting about his imaginary companion. Give the companion a name--perhaps Tubby, since the grandfather had a round belly.

Now you've got a little family scene, and you've established the relationships. End of act one.

Tony goes to his bedroom. THe mother takes her Xanax or whatever and lies down on the sofa. She hears chattering. You've done a pretty good job with what happens next. She hears something different in the conversation. She moves to the bedroom and stands in the door, listening, watching. I'd add a bit more detail so we're in her head, seeing what she sees. Let us know her emotions. Maybe a chill trickles up her spine, or hairs tickle the back of her neck.

Show her entering the room. Have Tony actually speak to her. "No, Mommy, no! You'll chase him away." Or just have him cry out, "Don't go," while he reaches out to an unseen companion. Does his voice tremble? Do tears glisten in his eyes? Does panic edge his little voice? Make us see him through his mother's eyes. Add a few little details--maybe he's clutching a teddy bear that was the narrator's favorite toy, one her father gave her. Maybe a song is playing on the radio...one that was playing when she learned her father passed away. Add some coincidences to help foreshadow what's coming and set the mood.

Now, at the end, she holds her son in her arms, consoling him. What does he feel like? Is his skin soft? Is he trembling? He weighs nothing--he's a child. His heart thumps against her breast and his breath warms her cheek while she strokes her hair. His voice quavers as he describes her grandfather. Don't narrate this part! Put words in Tony's mouth, emotions in the mother's mind. And end the story as soon as possible after she realizes he's describing his Grandfather. You've got a perfect final line.

Do you see what I'm saying? You've got an almost perfect dramatic structure already. What you need are the little details that bring it to life. Think of this as a movie that's playing in your head. Let the mother's eyes be your camera. Bring to life what she sees, hears, and feels!!

I'm going to omit the line-by-line comments. The prose is fine in this piece--I just want more of it!!


I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Tricks and Treats ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **

273
273
Review of My Favorite Bison  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "My Favorite Bison" 
Author Lesley Scott
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
This sweet memoir tells the tale of when you worked for Jim Fowler of Animal Kingdom, and how you formed a relationship with a baby buffalo, Billy. This is amusing and touching at the same time, and I enjoyed reading it.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
First person, appropriate for a memoir.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
From the ending, I infer this must have been in the eary 70's. I didn't see any inconsistencies, and the specific dates aren't important anyway.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging, but I could have used more sensations. Most people won't really know what a paddock is like. The smells, sounds, textures, size will all be foreign to them. you've got some of this, but I could have used more.

________________
*Check2*Characters
We've got two characters, the narrator (yourself) and the Billy. They both come through great. We especially meet Billy through his actions--after all, we can't meet him through his words! The incident where he's escaped and is "on a rampage" (what does that mean? What was he doing?), but calmed down as soon as you arrived speaks volumes about his feelings for you. Your's for him are clear from the tone and details when you describe the two of you together. That's the great strength of this piece.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.


________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I know this isn't fiction, but some of the ideas above apply. You still want your readers to imagine events along with you, and for the incidents you relate to have an intimacy and immediacy for them. I've noted several places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you could tweak this to add that sense of "being there" for your readers.

I enjoyed this sensitive and, ultimately, sad story. thank you for sharing the the tale of your first love!

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*We never forget our first love. Sometimes we can’t pick out our love, it just happens. In my case, true love was a bison.Yes, he was a buffalo calf. Some how I formed a relationship with Billy. He was a wild animal, and I had to be on alert at all times. I worked for the Charles Towne Landing Animal Forest for Jim Fowler of “Wild Kingdom."He hired me on the spot after a cougar grabbed my forearm and refused to let go.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work. They are your first and best chance to draw readers into your world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not read your submission based only on your first sentence.

On the positive side, this opening orients the reader in time and space and tells them what this story will be about. However, it's all telling. This is a personal memoir, so I'd launch with it with the first time you saw Billy. What were you doing? What did he look and smell like? Where were you? Put us in your head with sensations and emotions, so that we can feel what you felt when you saw him. Make this immediate and intimate for the readers. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The first response when a 120 pound mountain lion holds my arm tightly is to make her want to let go.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, you've got a little time reversal that tells how you came to work for Fowler. However, it's not really part of this story, and pulls the reader away from the encounter with Billy. This is another story that deserves its own telling. *Exclaim*

*Cut*My responsibility was to raise all of the baby animals, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: And this paragraph is all the narrator telling the reader stuff. It's important stuff for the story, but it's all telling and interrupts the story about Billy. This is about that relationship, after all, so this background stops that story cold before it even started. *Exclaim*

*Cut* At first, when I climbed into his paddock that was a nice split railed fence, Bill cowered in a corner, rolling his eyes in terror.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is a great paragraph and should be part of the very start of the story, not lingering here almost a page in. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I started in college, I worked in the afternoon and weekends. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Frequently the Dean had to pull me out of class because Billy was going on a rampage,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Instead of launching this incident with a summary of past events, I'd launch it with the specific event you're about to relate. You were sitting in calculus class, and her comes the Dean. He says, "Billy's giving us trouble again." He trudges from the class, but you walk with a skip in your step because you prefer Billy to calculus anyway. Bring the event to life, from start to finish. You do a great job once you're with Billy, but set it up with a couple of sentences that show you and the dean in motion, in word and dean, instead of narrating what happened. *Exclaim*

*Cut*One day, I heard the horrible news*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Surely you remember exactly what you were you doing and how you heard this news. Again, don't summarize: show it happening! *Exclaim*



________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
274
274
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Invalid Item" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
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Item Reviewed: "Crosstimbers Review Forum" 
Author Oddt427
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
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Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

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*Check2*Plot
Since this is "Part I," I infer this is the first half of a story. This is about one Jacqueline Jilles, an avaricious potato farmer and entrepreneur who resides at the base of a volcano on an asterodd in the Cassiopeia system. Seems Ms. Jacqueline isn't the most social or ethical person, so instead of hired hands she uses human clones, specially bred to be automatons, to harvest her crop of spuds. As far as she's concerned, the clones are like tools--when one breaks, she just zaps it dead. That leads to an unpleasant odor, so she sets up a conveyor belt to the volcano caldera and trains the clones to load it up with dead bodies...I can almost guess where this is headed...

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*Check2*Point of view and style
This story channels the style of many masters of science fiction. There's an almost Victorian tenor to the prose. Many authors in the Golden Age of SciFi immitated Verne and others and created stories in this style. I grew up reading these kinds of stories and enjoyed them greatly. This was a nostalgic romp through that olden era.

But...this style--the omniscient narrator--has all but disappeared from fiction today. Even more, in this story all the action is narrated--told--and none of it is shown. Again, this was common in stories in the 50's, and one could find this kind of story as recently as 20 years ago. But, except for one SciFi magazine edited by a former astronaut, this style has disappeared from modern commercial fiction.

Today, readers want to encounter stories holistically, the way we encounter the real world. About 30% of modern fiction uses a first person narrator, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. In the latter, the author chooses one character to provide the point of view and then reveals the story through the senses of that character. The reader encounters the fictional world by living in the head of that character. Instead of the narrator--or author--narrating background, the reader experiences things holistically, through the words and deeds of the point-of-view character.

I know that read my little story "Some Enchanted Evening"  since you sent me a review. Notice the disturbing point of view character in that story provides the point of view, and we learn that he's an evil kidnapper through his words and deeds and those of his victim. You won't find any narration in that story about what's "really" happening; we just see what the characters do and say and what the POV charcter thinks.

Now, what you have here is a great idea for a story. Jacqueline is an outstanding, if evil and heartless, character. I'd love it to be in her head and see her farm through her eyes. I'd love to smell the sulfurous fumes from the volcano, see the clones shuffling along, see her gloating over her wealth. Put the readers inside her head and you'll have a winner. Of course, the readers will be longing for justice...but then that's probably where part II is headed, right?

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*Check2*Referencing
This is in the far future with advanced technologies. Of course, people are still the same, as your anti-heroine shows. One note, though: asteroids are not large enough to have active volcanoes. A volcano requires a molten core, and dwarf planets are not generally large enough. I seem to recall a recent discovery of an asteroid with an ice volcano, but that's not what you've got here.

Of course, in a story with interstellar travel probably includes faster-than-light travel, which is also improbable even though that concept permeates SciFi.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
One of the problems with the style you've chosen is that there's not really an opportunity to put the reader into this interesting location. One reason to read SciFi is to experience new worlds and places. Making that kind of experience intimate and immediate for the readers is what modern fiction is all about.

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*Check2*Characters
As I noted above, Jacqueline is a great character, if only we actually got to see her in action, walking, talking and moving around in real-time as opposed to narrated summaries.

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*Check2*Grammar
I made a couple of minor points in the line-by-line comments below. You've got a firm grasp of grammar, and I didn't find anything major to complain about.

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*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I've already given you my major suggestion for this story, namely to rework it using a more modern narrative approach. You've got a great idea, a fascinating character, and a plot that's relevant to today. All of that have the makings of a great story.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading this and I want more!

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*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*To refer to Jilles' Acres as a typical farm would be, at its core, a factual thing to do; There are, however, a few abnormalities that serve to make it unique. The most blaring of these glitches would more than likely be its location: The spacious ranch was tucked away on a back-water asteroid out in the Cassiopeia system, a chain of stellar rocks notorious for their lack of policing.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: There are some capitalization errors here. You don't need to capitalize after a semicolon, just after a period. *Exclaim*

*Cut* TGMDA (Total Genetic Modification of Domestic Animals), a copious slew of hostile corporate takeovers (hostile in the sense of, more oft than not, physical aggress),*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Almost all style guides advise against using parenthetic remarks in favor of dashes. This is especially true in fiction, where building the fictional dream is critical. *Exclaim*



________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
275
275
Review of Kip  
Review by
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Invalid Item" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Kip" 
Author Wings
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see that you are new to WDC, so I'd like to offer my personal welcome to the site. This is a great place to make new friends and to learn and grow as a an author. I hope you find your time here as productive as I've found mine.

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*Check2*Plot
Kip's family is destitute and every night faces the same decision: go hungry or steal. Hunger wins, and Kip feeds the family, selecting victims from those who can afford to lose it. Alas, tonight things are different...

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*Check2*Point of view and style
Third person limited, in Kips' head except for a short interlude toward to the end.

I'd really recommend that you not break point of view and stay with Kip throughout. You do a good job of showing the Lord's anger, so there's really no reason to switch to his point of view. It's not necessary for the reveal, either, as the pronouns do that for you.

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*Check2*Referencing
Perhaps in the same era as Les Miserables? In any case, an era when a lord has armed guards protecting his keep.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging throughout; it was a little deeper in the courtyard where the fight occurs. My personal preference is for more setting rather than less, as it can advance character, plot and theme.

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*Check2*Characters
Kip, determined and brave. The guards, bullies and mean-spirited. The lord of the keep...well, he can afford to be gracious, and, thankfully, he is.

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*Check2*Grammar
This is really clean copy. Good job--I wish I could do so well!

I did think I spotted a comma error two--mostly missing commas after introductory phrases. I marked one example in the line-by-line remarks below.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

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*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You've cleverly crafted this story to hide the reveal until after the fight, when Kip is in the Lord's chambers. That leads to some stretches in phrasing. In particular, there are several places where you write, "the youth..." or "the young thief" instead of "Kip" or using a pronoun. Now, I understand why you can't use a pronoun, and over-using Kip's name would be a mistake. Still, these felt like POV breaks--things that tended to pull me out of Kip's head and hence out of the story. In some cases, simple rewording would permit you to join sentences with a compound predicate and avoid this device. In others, you might be able to rephrase things.

I love stories with a twist, and this one delivered!!! Thanks for sharing!

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*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*Worse more was Kip’s family; *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo *Exclaim*

*Cut*The young prisoner immediately caught the attention of the bored group.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here's a place where you could rephrase and avoid "yount prisoner." For example, you might say they stood and stared as the tableau entered the courtyard. That shows, rather than tells, that the arrival diverted their attention and avoids the little POV break. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Kip felt panic rise as a guard untethered the dogs. This little knife certainly didn’t feel like much protection. A silence seemed to descend as the dogs began to circle. Drool fell in ropes from the mongrels sharp teeth and Kip shuddered at the thought of those fangs coming near. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This paragraph has lots of great images and sensations. At the end, Kip shudders so we know he's afraid. My only quibble is at the start where you tell us he "feels panic" instead of showing the panic rising in his gut. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Planting a foot on the wall Kip dug the other into the dirt steeling for impact. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I think you need a comma after "wall." *Exclaim*

*Cut*The shiny black boots drew nearer its heavy footfalls*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "Boots" is the antecedent to "its," so the pronoun should the "their." *Exclaim*

*Cut*she said quietly.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned earlier. Perhaps she whispered or murmured, for a more precise verb choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Hold on mother,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: "Mother" should be capitalized since you've used it as name. *Exclaim*



________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
https://sites.google.com/site/maxgriffin1111/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
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