Maryann's (mhicks) Reviews

Maryann

Review Requests: OFF

1,860 Public Reviews Given

2,747 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I give honest and friendly reviews. I try to be as helpful as I can.

Favorite Genres

Sci-fi, fantasy, adventure, comedy

Favorite Item Types

short stories, poems, activities, images

I will not review...

I will review up to 18 content ratings.

551

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14 days may be credited.

#2553502

Review of Chapter 5, Tales of Topographic Oceans

Review by Maryann

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: Thank you for posting your exciting and informative fan-fiction story on "SuperTower Review Room MB Rewards"

. I am really enjoying reading and reviewing these chapters. It is written about the historian in your story, Eirilav, that: "The more evidence she recovered in the ruins of the Great Library, the more her curiosity grew." -- I think the same can be said for your readers.

This unique chapter takes us into the journal of a soldier and on his trip at sea, until he finally disembarks at his destination. Great idea for a chapter.

THOUGHTS: You wrote: "At the Sea Force port city of Klofron, the great floating fortresses were loading their supplies as families said their goodbyes."
I have been to Hcaeb Ainigniv, and Klofron too, many times.(...or is that Virginia Beach and Norfolk LOL) Those military vessels are huge, and well described in your story, as in: "great floating fortresses" and "Great floating Skycraft Carriers" -- I could picture the smell of diesel fuel, and I can easily understand what the character in your story was feeling. I can hardly sit in the backseat of a car without feeling sick!

You managed to fill up all of the senses with your story. Your readers will feel what your character is feeling; They will smell the salty sea air; They will hear the rolling thunder of the storm; They will see the grey-green ocean and flying fish (I saw those on a cruise -- they are an incredible sight, and you showed the same fascination in your character's sighting of them.) Terrific writing!

ERRORS: I didn't find any errors. Nice work.

FAVORITE PART: You brought a very 'realness' to your story, such as in this example: "a letter from a 4th-grade girl, with a father in the military: "As much as I don't want my Dad to fight," she wrote, "I'm willing to give him to you." This is a precious gift, the greatest she could give. This young girl knows what Acirema is all about. Since September 11, an entire generation of young Aciremians has gained a new understanding of the value of freedom, and its cost in duty and in sacrifice.” -- What those poor families feel when their loved ones go to war...It's very tender, and you brought out all of those feelings. Nice work.

-Write on!

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#1300076

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by Maryann

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552

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#2553445

Review of ETERNAL SLEEP

Review by Maryann

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a rhyming poem that is filled with emotion.

THOUGHTS: Gosh, I am really enjoying your poems today! This poem is really sweet. It rhymes effortlessly in a beautiful, melodious way. You really accomplished bringing out the touching emotion, so I can clearly see how this poem won an award in a contest.

ERRORS: No errors were found in this well done poem. Great work!

FAVORITE PART: Aw, this is too sweet! "I feel their tears, and try to open my eyes./ It breaks my heart to think of goodbyes." Absolutely lovely!

I really love that adorable image. It compliments your poem so well.

-Write on!

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553

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#2553414

Review of UNTIL THE END

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: Incredible tribute to a mother with love.

THOUGHTS: Well now you did it, Sherri. You brought tears to my eyes. Your touching poem is so beautiful. What a great job you did in writing this. If Nancy didn't already give you an awardicon for this one, I would have.

ERRORS: No errors in this well written poem.

FAVORITE PART: This line gave me shivers: "You were not just my mother, but my best friend..." My own mom was only 59 years old when she died of Breast Cancer. I had four children and I sort of felt myself losing contact with all of my friends from younger days. My mom was my best friend. We were together everyday, and she gave me a big hand with the kids. When she died, I told everyone that she had been my best friend. I could never write a poem for her as beautiful as yours, so I really enjoyed reading your poem.

-Write on!

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554

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#2553405

Review of THE DOORWAY CLOSED

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a well written, 'rhyme' poem, filled with touching emotion.

THOUGHTS: I thought your poem was very pleasant to read. I was listening to song lyrics while on a weekend trip today, and your poem could have easily rivaled the best of them! I know that you didn't write it with 'song' in mind, but that's what it reminded me of. ...Very pretty.

ERRORS: I didn't find any errors. Great work here.

FAVORITE PART: Maybe I spent way too much time reading Dr. Seuss to my kids while they were growing up (LOL), but I absolutely love rhyming poems! Your poem has all of the beauty of a tender, bittersweet poem, and it rhymes in a very smooth way. ...Like in this example: "Played for a fool by one I thought cared,/ Played a game I undoubtedly lost/ How I wish now that my heart hadn’t been bared,/ For now I’ve paid an extravagant cost..." Really nice work!

-Write on!

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555

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#2551317

Review of my blog

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (4.5)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: I like your very unusual blog/journal. The book list part of it is a great idea.

THOUGHTS: I'll have to read some of the books on your list. They really sound interesting. I don't remember reading those. I enjoy reading lots of Orson Scott Card. You might enjoy his Alvin Journeyman series. I also like Ender's Game of his, and that entire series. Also, I like to Anne Rice books, especially her Vampire books. Michael Crichton is great as well. Some of Steven King is good, like Eyes of the Dragon.

ERRORS: I didn't see any errors. Nice writing.

FAVORITE PART: I like the list. Some of the titles, like "LEGENDARY CREATURES OF MYTH AND MAGIC" sounds really interesting, and I'll have to Check them Out. I'm impressed that you say you can read a book or two a week!

That's great!

SUGGESTIONS: I hope that you will add more to your blog, and keep your list updated!

-Write on!

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556

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#2550223

Review of Favorite Season?

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (4.0)

FIRST IMPRESSION: Great idea for a poll. Everyone always has opinions about which season they enjoy the best. Already you have a variety of different votes on your fairly new poll.

THOUGHTS: I'll be curious to see the outcome of the votes. I picked Spring. I was just speaking about this topic today! One woman, originally from Puerto Rico, said that she likes the summers the best because she grew up on the beach. Another lady and I both agreed that we like the weather a little cooler. She likes to be able to wear a light jacket. I like the weather just warm enough so that the bugs aren't around yet -- like right after the winter when the weather is just starting to warm up again.

SUGGESTIONS: You chose a great topic for a poll. I had fun chatting about it. The 'heading' for it looked a little bare. I would think about adding a small introduction before the actual poll. For example, what season do you like the best. What are the good and bad of each season, etc. Thanks for putting this fun poll together.

-Write on!

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557

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#2550002

Review of The life of a Starfleet Officer...

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: I enjoyed reading your exciting story about the day in the life of a Starfleet Officer. I found it to be well written, and very interesting to read.

THOUGHTS: I liked reading this story. Are you planning on writing more chapters? I would read them for sure. This one flowed smoothly and held my interest.

ERRORS: You did a great job writing this one. I didn't find any errors.

FAVORITE PART: I liked how this ended: "Daniel tapped the end button on his command chair ending the log recording in mid entry he wondered when he would get back to finish it or most likely adding to it with an after action report…" LOL ...All in a day in the life.

You wrote the exciting parts well, as in this example: "That’s all the urging I need, RED Alert! All Hands to Battle Stations! This is not a drill repeat this is not a drill."

SUGGESTIONS: Well, the only suggestion I would have is to add more chapters to this great story. If you do write more, please feel free to plug it on the "Star Trek Message Forum"

-Write on!

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558

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#2549776

Review of The Skirt

Review by Maryann

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: You have so many stories in your port, but I'm glad that I chose this one to read today. Just like all the other items that I read of yours already, this one is well written and enjoyable to read.

THOUGHTS: This story has a professional feel to it, as though I were reading it as a highlighted short story from a magazine. I never went to a school where we had to wear long skirts, but I remember seeing girls wear long skirts on my last trip to Northern Ireland. Some schools wore long skirts, and some schools wore short skirts. I still don't know much about it, but I remember thinking how nice it was that they wear uniforms -- to all have something in common.

As I read your story, I pictured those girls with the long skirts cutting them down to be short. Perhaps there might be a 'Nancy Lachance' there to start the rebellion!

ERRORS: I didn't see any errors. Well done!

FAVORITE PART: I liked how all the girls had the same idea to show up at school in rebellion by wearing short skirts. That was terrific closure for your story. It was like a happy ending because they all had fun.

-Write on!

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559

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#2549098

Review of Argument

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (4.5)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: I noticed your poem in this week's poetry newsletter, so I thought I'd stop by to see it. It's written with flowing poetic words, pleasant to read, though very sad.

THOUGHTS: You poem is so sad. It reminded me of a bull fight that I once went to in Mexico. I had to leave in the middle of it, because I was crying too much. I'm not a person who cries, but I couldn't take the agonizing screams of the tortured bull. Your poem brought back all the memories of that arena -- the stomping etc.

ERRORS: I didn't find any errors. Nice work!

FAVORITE PART: You did a terrific job with descriptions in your poem...Like here: "Stomps covering the arena./
Sweat and tears as water."

-Write on!

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560

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#2549079

Review of rose

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (3.0)

FIRST IMPRESSION: Very pretty story about a person who goes to heaven because he sacrificed himself to save another. He then sees the mistakes that he made in his past. He gets the chance to go back to Earth, where the girl he loves is waiting. ...But she won't know him in his different body. This is a beautiful story, but it needs some work to polish it up.

THOUGHTS: What a charming story! I enjoyed reading it, because you told it well. It seemed as though you wrote it quickly, as in an IM message. This good story deserves to be fixed up so that it can look as good as it sounds.

I would take the whole thing, and put it through a spell and grammar check. That would probably be the easiest thing to do. It's a really nice story, if not for the parts that need a little polishing up.

FAVORITE PART: There are so many sweet and tender moments in your story that I enjoyed reading. For example here: "They were walking back from getting her wedding dress when a drunk driver was driving uncontrobly and was heading strait for rose so chris dove and pushed her out of the way." That is so touching!

SUGGESTIONS: I would go back, now that you have a good base already in your story, and put capitals in all of the names and places where they belong. All of the letter 'i's need to be changed to capitals, too.

Also, some of your sentences would look better if you broke them up into two or three different sentences. For example, in your very first sentence you wrote: "one day chris was waiting at the bus stop and he sees this girl she was pretty and he wanted to talk to her, but he was worried that his nerves would get the best of him but he did and six months later he was engaged to that woman her name was sharon rose." I would change that to something like: 'One day Chris was waiting at the bus stop, and he saw a very pretty girl. He wanted to talk to her, but he was worried that his nerves would get the best of him. He did speak to her after all, and six months he was engaged to that woman. Her name was Sharon Rose.' -- That would probably be a great place to end that opening paragraph. ...Or maybe you can add one more sentence there, like 'He never expected what would happen next.' I would work with this story a little more, because it has a great plot.

-Write on!

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561

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#2549023

Review of Underwater Stones

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: I saw that your poem is highlighted in this week's poetry newsletter, so I thought I'd take a look at it.

THOUGHTS: I enjoyed reading your beautiful poem. It made me think of the beach, and the relaxing, carefree thoughts that go along with walking along the water's edge.

ERRORS: No errors were found. Great writing!

FAVORITE PART: I like the deep meaning and inspiration in the poetic words. For example here: "So, before another nor'easter hits,/ you’d better stop / wading by the shore/ and not let the current/ get the best of you;" That's really very pretty, and a delight to read.

-Write on!

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562

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#2548855

Review of Chapter 4, A Call to Arms

Review by Maryann

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: Thank you for posting your story on

"SuperTower Review Room MB Rewards"

. This is another chapter in your futuristic tale of restoring books from the 'Great Library'.

THOUGHTS: This chapter gave me chills as I remembered the history of the reality of the story. You wrote, " “Citizens of Acirema, we must not allow the Shadow Masters a victory by changing our way of life or freedoms. We must hold our heads high and carry on with our lives. We must remain vigilant and those in authority need to take the necessary precautions to protect our citizens." I remember the reality of being glued to the TV to hear the presidents words, and to watch the towers fall over, and over, and over. What was it you wrote in your story..."The banner simply said, “We shall never forget.”

I like the way you not only add factual information to your fan-fiction story, but you also show what is happening with 'visual' descriptions. An example is here: "Egroeg did not sleep well that night. The nightmares of crashing planes full of people and the destruction of entire buildings jolted him awake throughout the night. The cold sweat that accompanied the nightmares made it almost impossible for him to sleep more than an hour at a time. It was going to be a long night." Very nice work!

ERRORS: Great job here. I found no errors.

FAVORITE PART: I am still in awe of your creativity in writing this story. For example in this part: "Egroeg and Dleifsmur were good friends. Secretary Dleifsmur had served under his father’s Presidency and often commented that he had “been around the block a few times” when he had to make hard decisions." The reversed words add a new twist with a familiar feel.

-Write on!

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563

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#2547966

Review of Presidential Puzzle, Part 1

Review by Maryann

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Image (on 'share') used for highlighting the Check it Out items

Each month Maryann and katherine76 will highlight members and items in a variety of categories and place those items on a page that is in each of our ports (double the exposure). The owner of each chosen item will receive a plug in the two "Check It Out" pages for that month and will receive 500 gps.

Your item, "Presidential Puzzle, Part 1" , has been chosen in the category of 'Crosswords' for the month of October. During this month, you can see it here, (Maryann's) "Check It Out..." and here, (Katherine's) "Invalid Item" .

Your crossword puzzle game is such a challenge! You're readers are all going to leave the game with more knowledge than they had when they began.

I like the way that you set it up the heading before the game itself. The game is educational and fun too. ~~ Maryann

564

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#2547916

Review of How are your letters?

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Each month Maryann and katherine76 will highlight members and items in a variety of categories and place those items on a page that is in each of our ports (double the exposure). The owner of each chosen item will receive a plug in the two "Check It Out" pages for that month and will receive 500 gps.

Your item, "How are your letters?" , has been chosen in the category of 'computer' for the month of October. During this month, you can see it here, (Maryann's) "Check It Out..." and here, (Katherine's) "Invalid Item" .

What an interesting poll! ...And, gosh, am I the only one in the world (OK, besides you LOL) who has keys that are all messed up! It seems that everyone else's keys are perfect. I just got this new computer last Christmas Time, so my keyboard is not even a year old. I can't see three of the keys, and many more are almost there too.

I keep this computer in my kitchen, so everyone who comes into the house uses it. My husband says the keys are messed up because people use it with lotions on their hands. I don't know...I'm leaning toward the fingernails.

It's a funny 'experiment' now to see how many people need to look at the keys when they type. The missing letters won't bother me because I get confused if I look at the keys while I type. Everyone who uses my computer now, mentions that they can't tell which key is which. LOL

I think that I remember from my typing class a million years ago that the correct way to type is with the tips of the fingers -- that would explain the damage from fingernails. Fun poll! It's a really interesting one for curious people, like me!

565

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#2544654

Review of Chapter 3, The Shadow Masters

Review by Maryann

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: The futuristic story continues, with Eiralav, the historian, restoring the old library books from the Great Library of the Dark Ages.

THOUGHTS: As in your other chapters, I can see that you did lots of research to add facts and reality to your story. So much so, that I am really enjoying watching the history unfold and be told again in such an interesting way. ...Like in this example: " Clycops turned to the President and informed him that there was another report from an air phone operator that a citizen aboard that flight had reported a hijack."

FAVORITE PART: Once again, I marvel at the genius imagination you used in creating the names for your characters. Everything is backwards! I am curious...do all of your reviewers catch that?

This is my favorite passage: “Good, the agent continued, here’s what I recommend, get as many passengers as you can to rush the cockpit, it may be your only chance.”/ “All right, Dot replied, there are about six other people around me that are willing to try.”

Then he asked the agent to tell his wife that he loved her. You really get your readers mesmerized with the story because we feel the character's personalities.

I have to give you 5

's for this chapter because I didn't find anything wrong with it. It is written well. Nice work!

-Write on!

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#2543786

Review of The Old Man

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: Oh what a really nice poem story! This poem tells the story of an ex-rock star, who is now a 'bum' in the park. A woman pauses long enough to appreciate his guitar playing, and brightens his day.

THOUGHTS: Your poem story is truly beautiful, and very nicely written. I had to give you 5

s because I loved it!

ERRORS: There were no errors in this well done, high quality item. Nice work.

FAVORITE PART: I like these words of wisdom and inspiration: "“I should be moving on,” he said/ As he put his guitar in the case/ “Don’t you ever stop that writing/ It makes the world a better place"

Your poem is the best of both worlds -- a sweet story, and a smooth-flowing and delightful rhyming poem. I enjoyed reading every bit of it.

-Write on!

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#2540851

Review of Ruins of the Great Library

Review by Maryann

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: You have such a creative idea with this story. It's a tribute to 9/11, yet it's written in a fiction type way. ...like fan fiction. I noticed that you included a huge amount of real facts in your story.

THOUGHTS: I think this is a great way for people, especially your target audience of teens, to learn history. The facts are all there, but it is done in a fiction type way. The date that the historian is restoring her books from the Great Library is Monday July 15, 4127.

ERRORS: For the most part, I didn't see any errors. Nice work. The word, 'look' in this sentence should probably be changed to 'looked'. "Egroeg look forward to visiting his good friend Inaillug, Mayor in the City of Towers."

FAVORITE PART: LOL Sorry, this is a sad, tragic and informative tribute, yet I can't help but smile in awe at your genios imagination -- I figured out what "Egroeg" spells backwards, and I figured out what "Acirema" spells backwards too! ...And the mayor of the City, etc.

-Write on!

568

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#2539980

Review of Ruins of The Great Library Prologue

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: You wrote a fantastic futuristic prologue,. It leaves the reader intrigued and wanting to read the chapters that follow. Great job!

THOUGHTS: I like your idea of the world struggling and surviving after World War Three. You have a very unique idea here too, of a historian restoring literary works from the 'Great Library' that existed during the dark ages.

ERRORS: I didn't find any errors. Nice work!

FAVORITE PART: I like your introduction. It gives the reader a glimpse of things to come: "Humanity was nearly destroyed and it took over two thousand years to recover from the devastation. The use of nuclear weapons rendered the planet a complete wasteland."

I really enjoy reading these kind of stories, so I have to give this one five

's.

-Write on!

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A really fun sig for the Yellow Power Group Members to use in their reviews.

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#2539955

Review of Journal/Blog

Review by Maryann

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: Thank you for posting your journal on the Yellow Power Review page. You wrote it well, and included thoughts and information that makes your readers feel welcome to be there.

THOUGHTS: I enjoyed reading this item. I liked the description of your town. You mentioned shops and things that made me smile -- these things are in all of our towns. It shows that it's a small world after all.

I hope you are feeling better. ...You mentioned that you were sick on Saturday.

ERRORS: I didn't find any errors. You write well.

FAVORITE PART: What a good mother you are...You were so very tired, yet you couldn't go to sleep until you spoke with your son to make sure he was alright. I would have done that too.

SUGGESTIONS: I noticed that your item is rated 'E'. I would bump that up a notch. I actually didn't realize until recently that we have 7 year old members on our site, and they will only read the 'E' rated items. If you are going to use phrases like, "I bitc**d her out for...", maybe the 'E' rating might not work.

-Write on!

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#2538750

Review of Moving On

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (5.0)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION: Amy, you succeeded in writing a sweet poem filled with emotion and love. What a beautiful tribute to your dad and your childhood home!

THOUGHTS: Well, your poem brought out the sentimental reminiscing in me. That could have been the house of my father-in-law that you were talking about. I first met the man who would be my husband when I was 14 years old, so I knew his dad for a long, long time. His passing was just as tough to bear for me as it was for my husband. A few years ago, it was the kids job to sell the deceased dad's house. I remember my husband's four year old brother sitting on the porch playing with his toy trucks. I remember how 'dad' decorated the Christmas tree every year. I can feel all of the sentiments that you expressed in your poem.

ERRORS: I didn't find any errors in your well done poem. Nice work.

FAVORITE PART: You ended this poem very nicely: "No. I wept for the man that I called my Dad
Who once dwelled there inside."

-Write on!

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#2537984

Review of ~Singing In Strange Places?~

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (4.5)

From Maryann

FIRST IMPRESSION:Oh, what a fun poll! I love polls, and your poll has a great question. ...After all, music is everywhere.

THOUGHTS:I wish you would have had an 'other' category, but no matter, I picked the next best thing. You see, my youngest daughter is the only one in my family who can sing. She was always the one to get the lead in school and community musicals. She was always asked to sing the National Anthem at games. The rest of us play with her karaoke machine and watch her roll her eyes.

Now, the main time that my family and I sing together is when we are watching those new singing game shows -- Singing Bee and Don't forget the lyrics. None of us can sing, so it doesn't matter. We have a great time anyway.

Thanks for having this fun poll. I enjoyed reading the rest of the votes.

-Write on!

572

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#2537221

Review of An Embedded Poll?

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (5.0)

So far, just about 82 percent enjoy their time spent on Writing.Com in this poll. I know that I enjoy my time spent here.

There is really so much to do, so it is impossible to ever be bored.

I have my groups, forums, and friends here. There are items to create, and items to read. I have fun doing reviews -- especially now that I learned to enjoy the template.

It's fun to send emails here because we can play with all of the icons!

We even have Polls, In and Outs, Campfires, Crossword Puzzles, and lots of other fun items to keep us happy.

To sum it up, Writing.Com is a place to learn and to have fun.
Thanks for all you do for us.

573

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#2537215

Review of What's The Most Common Thing Moms Say?

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (4.5)

FIRST IMPRESSION:This is a fun poll that 'Only a mother could love'. LOL Just kidding -- I'm sure that the kids will all enjoy it too.

THOUGHTS: Too bad you are limited in the amount of sayings to write, but 'other' is the next best thing. I picked 'other' because I raised four kids who all started driving one after another. I am always a little nervous when they are driving somewhere alone, especially for long distances. I always tell them to call me when they get there. I would have picked, "Call me when you get there." if it had been one of the choices.

I guess now you will need to make an 'In and Out' where people can post their favorite 'mom sayings'.

FAVORITE PART: LOL After reading the 'winning' choice, I started laughing. I guess I'm not the only one who thinks of their kids as my 'babies', since "No matter what you'll always be my baby!" is the first pick. I told my youngest daughter that I'm going to call her baby until she is twenty-five years old.

-Write on!

574

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#2537196

Review of Zarths escape part 2

Review by Maryann

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

FIRST IMPRESSION: This chapter also has a mystical and magical feel to it. In addition, this chapter also needs some polishing up.

THOUGHTS: You are a terrific writer. You have the imagination that some writers can only dream of having. Don't ever give up on your writing, because you do have a talent.

ERRORS: Some of your words need capital letters, such as in these examples:
"Yes, the stone thought zarth..."
"...a dark alley way in the city of cillidor"

Check the spelling of some of your words, such as in these examples:
tunnell
pedastool

FAVORITE PART: I liked the suspense and mystery in your story, such as in the part after Zarth says the secret words: "A doorway had suddenly appeared, showing a set of steps going down into darkness."

SUGGESTIONS: Did you ever consider putting your story through a spell and grammar check? It's a great story, but there are little things that can easily be fixed.

-Write on!

575

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14 days may be credited.

#2537169

Review of Zarths Esacpe Part 1

Review by Maryann

Rated: E

| (4.0)

FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a very creative fantasy story, with a wondrous, magical feel. It needs a little polishing up, but after that it will be a fantastic piece.

THOUGHTS: I really enjoyed reading your story, and I want to read the next chapters. You have a great way of expressing ideas so that the reader can 'see' what is happening in your story. The strong imagination shows.

ERRORS: Your main character's name should begin with a capital letter. There are a couple of places in the story where this needs to be corrected: "Arrows flew past zarth as he sheltered..." ...And here: "zarth turned around and sprinted into..."

FAVORITE PART: I like the magic of your story, such as in this example: "Immediately his body started to heal the wound, repairing the torn muscle and closing the skin, leaving no mark."

SUGGESTIONS: I would make two sentences out of some of your longer sentences. Such as with this sentence that needs some work: "Letting go off the stone, Zarth stepped back from the boulder and held out his hands, his eyes closed in concentration, he summoned his power and used it to pick up the huge boulder which floated out in front of him." I would end the 'first' sentence after the word hands.

Here, you wrote '3' instead of 'three'. I would change the '3' to 'three'. "...stood foolishly together as the boulder suddenly was hurled at them killing 3 outright and knocking the fourth against a tree and smashing his spine.."

-Write on!