Hello Bbygrlraya,
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
My name is mmbabyfac and I will be your reviewer today.
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. I do not hold any degrees in writing. I can only offer you suggestions that I think might help improve your write, if any at all are needed.
Now for your review:
In this continuation to your story I feel yu have done another good job with your descriptions
Again you didn't rush into things in my opinion.
This is really a hard story to read because of the talk of abuse and I can imagine it's not an easy subject to write about either but you have done good so far.
There are few suggestions I have for this piece as well. Mostly little grammer errors:
In your sentence "If I had known" you forgot the n.
In the line with "..art students you need a comma here, then I wouldn't have..."
Also in the line "No matter, you need another comma here then you're taking.."
And in the sentence "Her mother grabbed her... captitolize her.
And again, use spaces in between paragraphs
And another suggestion I have is when you talk about her leaving, you jump right inot her going to her dads I think it would make it a stronger story if you describe some things she was feeling or doing on the way there. Again only a suggestion.
Other than this I really feel like this story could turn out to be a very strong emotional one.
One more suggestion, because of the violence, please rate this at least a 13+.
I hope you have found some help with this review and I hope to read more Please continue to share your writings with us!
mmbabyfac
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Hello Bbygrlraya,
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor .
My name is mmbabyfac and I will be your reviewer today
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. I hold no degrees in writing. I can only give you suggestions that might help improve your write, if any at all are needed.
Now for your review:
I think you started this story out very well describing the subject of the story.
I also feel you did a good job describing the feelings between mother and daughter thoughout this write.
I think you have done a good job describing the surroundings of the main character as well.
I have found a few grammer errors and have a few suggestions for you.
First for the grammer and misspellings: In the first paragraph 3rd line. I think instead of starting a new sentence with and you should use a comma instead seperating year, and. As well in the line "at least that'syou forgot the appostrophy and you should again use a comma instead of beginning a new sentence with And. In your sentence "I don't care no!" I think you should use I don't care. I said no!
Also you have misspelled social studies and in the line Um nothing nothing You need a comma in between nothing, nothing
as well you missed the n in he kind of...
And my final suggestion is one I have been suggested to do by many. You should put spaces in between each paragraph. It makes the writing easier to read
Other than these few minor errors, believe me not that badI think you have a good story in progress here. Please continue to write and keep on sharing!
mmbabyfac
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Hello again Some Kid,
My name is mmbabyfac and I will be reviewing you from the group "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . You have been donated reviews from someone anonymous. Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. I hold no degrees in writing. I can only give you suggestions that might help improve your write, if any at all are needed.
Now for your review:
I think you started this story off at a good point.
I feel like you described the surrounds very well.
I didn't feel rushed into the main idea of the story.
Over all I enjoyed this write of yours, but I did find a few things a little confussing.
Here is where I got confussed: In the paragraph where you discussed him stepping on a piece of lamp you said he did not feel it and that after the last few days he had learned a lot about pain, here is where I get confused, I think you should add some detail here as to what kind of pain he went through and maybe why.
And maybe this would also explain why he decided to sit down and take in the fumes instead.
Other than this I think you did a great job with detail in this write and I enjoyed it.
I hope you found this review helpful and please continue to share your writings with us! Thank you for sharing and have a great day.
mmbabyfac
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Hello Some Kid,
My name is mmbabyfac and I will be reviewing some of your work today from the group "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . You have been gifted with reviews from someone anonymous.
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. I hold no degrees in writing. I can only give you suggestions that might help to improve your write, if any at all are needed.
Now for your review:
I found this short story of yours very entertaining.
You set the plot up very well in the body and you didn't rush into the main subject of the story.
I feel you did a great job in describing your characters through out the story..
I feel you also did a good job describing the rest of the surrounds throughout the story from the beginning where you described his coffee to the end where he was arrested.
My only suggestion to this story is I had a little bit of a hard time understanding the last sentence. I think you meant "even with Asa's accusations".
Other than this minor detail I could not rate this anything but perfect simply because this is a wonderfully written story and I enjoyed eveey detail in it.
I hope you have found some encouragement and or help with this review and please have a wonderful day. Thank you for sharing your wonderful way of writing and do continue to share!
mmbabyfac
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Holy Cow you got me with the ending! Geeze I was not expecting that ending! It's nice to get a shock to the system every once in a while
Anyway, I think you did a good job describing your characters in the beginning and even bringing in both of their feelings for the father. I like how you had him say what he thought of him then and then what he would possibly think of him after they took the car.
I do think you could expand this story a little by maybe explaining her feelings or concerns while they were away for the weekend about her father possibly finding out.
Other than that I have enjoyed this story and once again very good surprise ending!
mmbabyfac
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Hello again COUNTRYMOM-JUST REMEMBER ME
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
My name is mmbabyfac and I will be your reviewer today.
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinion only. I hold no degree in writing. I can only give you suggestions I think might improve your write if any at all are needed
Now for your review:
I find this work beautifully done! Sound too personal? sorry, but that is my opinion.
I have enjoyed this write of yours. I find your tribute to these soldiers as a wonderful ode. The way you have described the feelings of a reunion and possibly the last one and how you brought them back to being 19 again, it is just heart warming. That is what I think of this write of yours, just so very heartwarming and beautiful.
I like the use of the color. It reminds me of the dress blues.
You have done a wonderful job in giving ode to the veterans and on a personal note, I thank you for that.
I have absolutely no suggestions except for KEEP ON WRITING!
Once again it has been an honor to raid your port today, and I will be back to do a few personal reviews in the future!
I hope you have found some encouragement and help with my reviews today and thank you again for requesting reviews!
mmbabyfac
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Hello again COUNTRYMOM-JUST REMEMBER ME,
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor !
My name is mmbabyfac and I will be your reviewer todayPlease know that my reviews are my personla opinion only. I do not hold any degrees in writing. I can only give you suggestions I think might help improve your work, if any at all are needed
Now for your review:
First off, congrats on a publishing of your work!
The subject, of course, is very clear in your poem here I like how you were honest in telling of how long it took and why!
The style is very wonderful. It flows very naturally and all fits together quit well.
I enjoyed this poem, it was relaxing to read and if the book is anything like the poem then I must say I'm interested!
I only found one error and it's not within the poem, it's in the writing under your book. When you thanked those that have bought your book you said "Thanks to you have purchased the book", in between you and have I would suggest adding "who".
Other than this which does not apply to your poem anyway, just something I noticed, you have a wonderful write here! I was honored to read and review another of yours and I thank you for the good read! I hope you found this review encouraging and helpful and I hope you continue to share with us. Good luck on the sale of your book as well!
mmbabyfac
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Hello COUNTRYMOM-JUST REMEMBER ME,
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor !
My name is mmbabyfac an I will be reviewing several items from your port today
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. I do not hold any degree in writing. I can only give you suggestions I think might help improve your write, if any at all are needed
Now for your review: Subject: This is a very popular subject nowadays and a good subject to write on if you are looking to express hurt and I feel that you have done a very good job on this poem with describing the hurt of divorce. Style:I like the style in which you have choosen to write this piece. It flows very well and all blends together nicely. Suggestions: I have only one suggestion and it is nothing major at all, even without my suggestion this write in my opinion is perfect, but if you are looking for a suggestion here is one. You touched on the subject of forgeting twice and although both are different emotions, I feel that maybe the first one could be changed to forgive instead of forget. And with the words you've used you would not have to change anything around the word itself because either word would fit there.
Again these are my personal opinions and I do feel that this piece is perfect exactly the way it is and it was an honor to have reviewed this piece for you today. I hope you are happy with my review and I hope you continue to have a good day. I thank you for this opportunity and I am excited about having the pleasure to read more!
mmbabyfac
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I really enjoyed this very funny write of yours I am amazed at how you can make a robot suck up an entire cat! I also like the fact that you put pictures of your robots in the article as well.
I only noticed one grammer error which is real easy to fix. Where you talk about the cat being sucked in to the robot "sucked, section by section," you need the commas there otherwise it makes it hard to read. It runs together.
Other than that I found it enjooyable and I thank you for sharing this rather unique story!
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Hello again cgcardin,
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
My name is mmbabyfac and I will be reviewing another one of your writes today
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinion only. I do not hold any degrees in writing. I can only give you suggestions I think might help improve your write, if any at all is needed.
Now for your review:
I found this write of yours very wonderful. You drew me in when you described the sea in your eyes and you didn't let me go until the end!
I like how you used the style! to the sea-
To the ever inconsistent sea giving it more descriptions, making it stronger!
I actually do not have any suggestions to this write. I feel it is perfect the way it is! Very strong in my eyes!
I hope you have found this review helpful and continue to have a wonderful day
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Although this is quit short it has quit a bit of meaning. This write describes some anger and disappointment very well! I also get a hint of "it's no surprise" as well.
Sadly I think we've all known someone like this sometime in our life, but that's how we learn lessons right?!
All in all this is a pretty good write you have and I thank you for sharing!
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Very well done
I was refered to your write here from someone in the anything goes poetry group, they said that this piece deserved a good review and I am so glad they did! You have a great write here!
This poem flowed very natural and has a wonderful meaning in it!
I found no errors so all in all I think it deserves a perfect rating!
Thank you for sharing this and do keep on writing!
I really enjoyed this oh so very true write! All around this poem is outstanding! I especially enjoy the meaning you are portraying in this write! The style and rhythme were excellent! You've done an awesome job on this one and I thank you for sharing and do keep on writing!
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You did a fine job at giving the perspective of a child in this situation. It has to be confussing for a child who grew up with a mother telling him he's a sissy if he doesn't want to go out and play and then he doesn't feel like he fits in because the other kids push him away. It is sad to think that this kid thinks he is gay because of these reasons.
Anyway, I did notice a few misspellings and such in this write and so that you can improve on this I hope you can go back and correct them. in the beginning 2 paragraphs check where you wrote what was supposed to be not, you forgot the t. check your line so sensitive man that I'm gay? There is something missing. Should be boys go out and throw
And the last one it should be I'll go out and be mean.
Okay not too bad right? Very easy corrections. Let me know if you change these and I will change my rating for you k?
Thank you for sharing and keep on writing.
Although this poem is quit short, you've used your words to describe the lilly well. I do have a few suggestions for you, remember this is to help, not hurt. in the 7th line you have "it" and it should read it's. No biggy there. I would suggest using some commas and periods here and there so that it doesn't run altogether.
{e;note4}As well try capitolizing the first word of each line and see how it looks, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. It's easy to correct and you can veiw it before you post it.
I do hope these suggestions are taken as just that, it is only my opinion and you have the choice to use them or not. I only want to help.
Other than these I think you have a good write here. I like the thought not being able to change the lilly.
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See, now usually I can pick out a favorite stanza in peoples work and tell them what it is. Well, I'm sorry, but I can't with this one. They are all too good to choose just one! Had ya goin there didn't I*biglaugh* I loved this whole piece!
Such very true meaning in every line. Very natural flow and no errors! All around this is just perfect!
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Although you missed placing a word in here, I could not rate this anything but perfect! (you need "more" in front of powerful in the second line, second stanza)
My favorite line, although it was all so very beautiful, was "but neither the giver loses, nor the taker wins". Wow, just amazing! This poem flowed perfectly and I found no other errors! Awesome write my friend! Keep on sharing and writing!
Aww I love this write! It is so emotional and does seem very personal. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen while reading this. Such raw emotions in this write. Truely amazing piece of work you have here and I hope to read more of yours like this. Thank you so much for sharing this piece and do keep on writing!
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In the first paragraph 3rd line. I think instead of starting a new sentence with 
As well in the line "at least 
In your sentence "I don't care no!" I think you should use 
in the beginning 2 paragraphs check where you wrote what was supposed to be not, you forgot the t.
check your line so sensitive man that I'm gay? There is something missing.
Should be boys go out and throw
it should be I'll go out and be mean. 