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26
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Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there again, Simple Dykie Author IconMail Icon!
Hope you don't mind another review from me. I find your stories quit witty and informative. *Wink*
I LOVE the Samoas! I agree with you 100%! I admit I was one of those girls as a child who went door to door asking for donations, selling cookies and various other non-essential artifacts. I can't tell you how many times I was greeted with sour faces, half-dressed men and women, and a roll or two of the eyes as they shut the door in my face with a, "no thank you!"
I think you did another good job of giving good examples to express your emotions and opinions on this piece. Oh... I could almost taste the cookies....
You did a great job in describing what it was like to be the one who's door was rapped on in the most inappropriate times. I especially like how you described your dream and how it changed to a nightmare when the knocking started.
There was only one thing I noticed as far as a grammar issue and I'm not completely sure if I'm right about it either but,

and my dog Chase still sleeping and snoring gently as he lay in his favorite spot.- I think there is supposed to be a comma after dog and one after Chase.
Besides this little unimportant to the story issue, I found no other need for corrections or changes to this enjoyable little read of yours and I thank you for sharing it with us. I look forward to reading more from you soon. Please keep up the wonderful, witty style of writing you share with us! As always, please do... Write On!
midnitewhisper
27
27
Review of Bernie  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there dogwood212 Author IconMail Icon,

Hope you don't mind me stopping by and giving this story I found in the short story newsletter a read and review. *Smile* Please know that my review is my personal opinion only, and that I hope you take any suggestions I may have that interest you and throw away the rest, without fear of hurting or upsetting me. I'm only here to help in whatever way I can. *Smile*
First off, congrats on being featured in the short stories newsletter! *Thumbsup* It is something to be proud of and an honor , I know I was elated when I was told I was being put, or rather one of my items was being put, in a newsletter.
Now on to my review:
I found this is a subject matter too many can relate to, making it just that more enjoyable. It's always interesting to read how others take this kind of cruelty and what they do with it and how they learn from it as well as how they teach others to deal with it. Your plot gives a very unmasked description of your subject and the emotions your main character deals with seemingly on a daily basis. I love how Bernie is the "teacher" in your story and the admiration your character has for him is not hidden or confusing but rather very poignant. It seems as though Bernie, although just a simple white barber, has so much to "teach" others without stepping inside a classroom. I'm grateful there are and have been people like Bernie around to help others in need.
Your story flows very well, giving just enough information needed to understand the message of the story. You flowed into the plot of the story well, giving details of characters, their emotions, and the settings.
Suggestions/Errors
*Note1* This one is just me maybe a little confused, You meantion some people can't take a joke and I'm a little lost at that one. Where is the joke? Is it the haircut? Please elaborate on that part for me?
*Note2* It was true then and it was true now. Here it just deals with past/present tense. It is okay as is but for it to read just a tad better I would recommend changing was to is to keep with the present tense.

I enjoyed reading this story and find comfort in knowing there are and have been people like Bernie in the world to help deal with racist issues and to help young kids in danger of going down the wrong paths in life. I hope this review has been helpful in someway and I thank you for sharing this wonderful piece with us.
As always, please do... Write On!
Midnitewhisper
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28
Review of Busted  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: Humorous is the word that grabbed my attention and had me read this piece! Rarely am I never in the mood for a good laugh or at least a chuckle. After reading this piece I admit your title and description fit your story well without giving away what lies ahead.


*Star* You did a great job with descriptive words to express feelings and emotions as well as actions and surroundings. You make a reader feel as if they are involved right there with the characters. Several times I was able to picture this couple.


*Star* This is a story MANY women can relate to therefor it makes it easy to feel compassion for the characters. You did a wonderful job in bringing forth emotions in both characters.



*Star* You led into the plot of your story in good timing, giving needed information to understand the message/meaning of the write.


*Star*Suggestions:
*Note1* We crawled into bed around 2:00 with Mitch still grumbling about how he had never been so humiliated, but he was staring to slow.- Here did you possibly mean starting?
*Note2* It is not necessary, but I've always thought it better when you have dialog as well as thoughts, to italicize the thoughts so a reader doesn't think those words were spoken aloud to someone.




*Star*Overall Impression: I did find this piece pretty humorous and I did feel compassion for both characters. i chuckled several times and had a good laugh at the ending. I enjoyed this piece and I thank you for sharing! As always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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29
29
Review of The Ring  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: Your story is short and right to the point. There were no unnecessary descriptions or unneeded information. The title fits the story, giving you just enough information to let the reader know this story is about a ring, but raises the question, 'What about The Ring?' The reader must venture into the story to find out what it involved.


*Star* You led into the plot of your story well, for the most part, giving needed information to understand the emotions expected in this piece.


*Star* You can feel the characters frustration, fear, excitement, and relief in your piece as well, making it an enjoyable read.




*Star*Suggestions: I didn't find any spelling or grammar errors *Thumbsup*, but I do feel the ending of this piece was rather rushed. I understand you only have a certain amount of words to use, as well, the character had a limited amount of time before her fiancee arrived, but I think with just a little more to this it wouldn't feel rushed. I would actually suggest a whole different ending. Maybe having the cat bring her the ring once she fed it or, or maybe the ring was around the cat's tail the whole time and she failed to see it until Craig showed up, pet the cat and she snuck it off his tail while Craig wasn't looking. These, of course, are just suggestions. It's up to you what you chose to do with them, just know I won't be upset if you chose not to.




*Star*Overall Impression: With just a little bit of work to this story, I think this would be a great little read for someone who wants a good short story but has little time to delve into a long book. It is enjoyable even as it is and holds emotions many have felt in their own past. I do hope my review has helped in some way and I thank you for sharing this piece with all of us. as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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30
30
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

Since you enjoyed my two other reviews *Smile* I'm here to give you your final review for "Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor ! I hope you have found some encouragement and helpful advice from our reviews and I truly hope you've enjoyed your shower!

*Star*First Impression: I decided to see how you do with fiction, as the last two I reviewed were non-fiction. *Wink* I saw this piece and decided it would be a good start. Your title and description fit your story well without giving away what lies in the story.


*Star* I honestly had thought that Kitty's fear would be the snow, I love being proved wrong *Bigsmile*! You started this off, giving us Kitty's fear right away, nothing wrong with that, as long as you expand on it as you did. You described to us what happened and how it effected her, to what degree and for how long.


*Star* You were descriptive when expressing Kitty's emotions as well as the other characters in the story, but, of course, the main focus is on Kitty herself.


*Star* You led into the plot of your story in good timing, setting the characters, their actions and emotions that led up to the change or plot.




*Star*Suggestions:
*Note1* Everything is so beautiful she thought.- Here you just need a comma separating beautiful and she. This was the only error I found in this write.




*Star*Overall Impression: Many children experience something that scares them as children and some, like your story can last a long time. Some times it takes a stranger to pull them from their fear, sometimes it's something they have to do on their own. I, myself, have been afraid of snakes since I was a child and to this day I still am, though my mother tried everything she could to help me get over it. To be fair though, she's the one who first made me afraid of snakes, but that's a whole other story. *Wink* I enjoyed this piece here and whether you think so or not I think you DO have potential in writing short stories!*Wink* Thank you for sharing another great write with us and as always, please do... Write On!
Thank you for allowing me into your port these last few days and giving me the opportunity to read your writings and leave my opinions with you. It's been great! I hope you've enjoyed your shower!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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31
31
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I Will Be Reviewing This Piece today!

midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: I saw this piece in the short stories newsletter and it grabbed my attention and drew me into reading it. To be honest i didn't even pay attention to the fact you listed under ghost for genre, so I was quiet happy and surprised as I read further and realized that it was in fact about ghosts. I love ghost stories! *Heart* I think your title and description fit your story well without giving away what lies ahead in your story.


*Star* I love how you really got the Scottish accent down in your characters. I could actually hear the accent in my head as I read this story to myself. Your descriptive words put me in the story right along side your characters and I was able to see and hear and feel all that was described in your story here.


*Star* You led into the plot of your story in good timing, giving much needed information to set the scenes, actions and emotions.


*Star* I like the constant use of 'You're never alone at Thistledon Cottage.' It keeps the story steady and reminds a reader what the meaning of the story is.


*Star*Suggestions: I do have a suggestion, but it is a wonderful story even without it. I'd like to know more about the family. Had she ever met her uncle? What about her, how old is she, did she have family of her own? Such things as this, it helps a reader be able to connect more with the character because there could be so many things they can relate to. Again, it is great as is, it's just something I'd personally like to see in here. (I'm nosy like that *Wink*.)




*Star*Overall Impression: I enjoyed this story very much. It was a peaceful read and a change from the norm of others writing about horrifying experiences with ghosts. It was calm and sweet and reminds me that no matter where we are, if you're a believer *Wink*, you are never really alone. Thank you for sharing this piece and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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32
32
Review of Fighting Myself  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: Your title of this piece is what drew me into reading your story here. It grabbed my attention. Who wouldn't be curious when reading something about fighting ones self?! I think it fits your story.


*Star* You had my attention from the beginning, giving descriptions of your character, her surroundings and emotions to keep the story entertaining. You kept my attention as the story unfolded and took a turn I was not expecting at all.


*Star* You showed instead of told the characters actions and emotions which help put a reader into the story with your characters. I could see these children's feelings, thoughts and actions.


*Star* You led into the plot of your story in good time, giving information needed to define the meaning/message of your story.


*Star* I found this a cute little story that some can relate to. I too grew up a tom boy and my mother couldn't stand it. She tried everything in her power to try to get me to behave like a girl and not a boy, but my father was happy with how I was and we had a lot of fun together doing 'boy' things. I loved every minute of it, though it hurt my mom so much.


*Star*Suggestions:
*Note1* This is just a suggestion, one that was passed on to me when I first started writing stories. You can use it or not, without fear I would be upset. In a story where you have dialog, it is best to italicize thoughts the author or others may have so that a reader doesn't become confused. Ex: Best she tell them herself, she thought.
*Note2* When you have a sentence where it addresses another character like this, “What took you so long anyways Sarah? - You need a comma after anyways. Go through your story and edit this because there are several areas where you need this comma. I didn't want to list them all because you might think I was being picky.
*Note3* I think your description could be better. Maybe changing it to describe something about your story or a character in your story would help bring in more readers.




*Star*Overall Impression: A cute little story with a funny little ending. How many kids don't eaves drop on their parents or others at the wrong moment and get the story mixed up?! I loved it! Thank you for sharing this piece and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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33
33
Review of A Jealous Muse  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: As writers, we all have a muse, but a jealous muse? I HAD to read to find out more! I'm glad I chose this piece to read. Your title and description fit your story well without giving away what lies ahead in the story.


*Star* You caught my attention from the beginning and you were able to hold it through the whole story with your descriptive words. You expressed emotions and actions well, leaving a reader feel as if they are part of the story.


*Star* You led into the plot of your story in good timing, giving information needed to understand the plot.


*Star* You put a twist in your story that makes a reader keep reading and wanting more when the story was finished. You let a reader draw their own conclusion as to what the muse did to the author. That doesn't always work but in your case it did.



*Star*Suggestions: I'd like to see more to it. What happened to the fiancee? Did the muse actually win this one? It is good as it is, but personally I'd like more.




*Star*Overall Impression: I enjoyed this twist to a persons muse being jealous. Many write these kinds of stories, but I've never seen one where they blame the muse or the muse is the villain. Thank you for sharing this piece and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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34
34
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: I have always enjoyed more non-fiction stories than fiction when it comes to this site. I get to learn a little about the authors I share this site with, so when I saw this piece I decided to give it a read and review. Your title and short description say it all with out giving away what lies ahead in the story.


*Star* You gave good detailed information in order for a reader to see what these characters were like in this time. You gave good visuals so that a reader could experience what they are reading.


*Star* You gave just enough information for a reader to know what was happening, when, where, why and lead into the plot of the story well.


*Star* This is a story some can relate to. I have read a lot of stories about family growing up in these times and a lot of them have always described fathers or grandfathers as no nonsense type men who barely spoke let alone laughed. It's realistic, obviously, and it's educational as well as a little entertaining. I have to admit I got a good chuckle from the story. *Wink*




*Star*Suggestions: I found this piece perfect as is.




*Star*Overall Impression: I enjoyed this piece about a family member learning that their loved one was in fact, human. I'm sorry to hear the poor man suffered such pain, both characters actually, but I'm glad the author received the best Christmas gift ever. Thank you for sharing another wonderful piece with us and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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35
35
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: This story was the first piece in your port to grab my attention and bring me into wanting to read it. I think your title and description say it all without giving away what lies ahead in your story.


*Star* I like that you added the picture of Jack. It helps a reader get into the story more seeing this real person versus just reading about him.


*Star* Your piece was short yet held the information needed to get your message across. We are able to learn a little bit about both characters in this piece in order to understand the meaning of your write.


*Star* Jack sure did seem like a no nonsense guy. He reminds me a lot of family members I met as a child. This story is easy to relate to in many ways, therefor a reader is able to feel emotions as they read the story.




*Star*Suggestions:
*Note1* I only found one error in the piece- When I was a small boy, we use to go visit him during school's summer break.- use should be used.





*Star*Overall Impression: I enjoyed the lesson learned in this piece as well as learning a little about this man. It took me back to memories of my childhood and family members I had met back then and the lessons I learned from them. Thank you for sharing this piece with us and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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36
36
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: As i went through your port looking for something to enjoy, i came upon this piece and the title and description caught my attention and drew me into wanting to read it. After reading it, I feel there is no other way you could have titled this piece than what you did. It fits perfectly with your story. As well, so does the description. They both catch a readers eye and draws them in.


*Star* Your story is so sad indeed. The sufferings in this piece are clear, the emotions raw and so very vivid. It's a story many who have lost a love can relate to. The emotional toll it takes on the survivors to have to go on day after day without their true love in life. Your story brings out empathy and sympathy for the characters.


*Star* Your story reads like a poem, beautiful. There's a slow pace to it that draws on a readers emotions. It leaves me breathless, speechless at times. I feel sorrow and heartache but I also understand the love you have for Suzy and how much she really means to you.




*Star*Suggestions:
*Note1* but to tell you the truth I was too busy praying to God to send me an angel that I never noticed her. - This line is a good one, nothing really wrong with it, but I do have a suggestion that might make it an even better line. 'but to tell you the truth, I was too busy praying to God to send me an angel that I never noticed He already had'. It's just a little change but does it not make a bigger impact?




*Star*Overall Impression: It would be cruel to say I enjoyed this story, but I feel I can say in honesty that I enjoyed how this piece was written. It's a calming read although a sad situation/subject. All emotions are understood, brought forth vividly through descriptive words. It draws sympathy, sadness, and other emotions from a reader to feel for the characters. Well written, beautiful expressions of emotions. Thank you for sharing this piece though I know how hard it must have been to write it. as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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37
37
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I Will Be Reviewing This Piece today!

midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: I saw this piece on the newly created items page and the title and description caught my attention and drew me in. I like stories like this, true, real life experiences that have taught at least one person something about this crazy thing called life. You are never too young or old to learn life's lessons. *Wink* I think your title and description fit your story well without giving away too much information about what lies ahead in your story.


*Star* You led into the plot of your story well, giving a reader needed information to understand the point of your story, your message.


*Star* You did a good job with showing instead of telling. I could see some of the actions and emotions you were portraying. You were able to draw sympathy as well as empathy towards all characters in the story.


*Star* This is a realistic story that most all children have to experience at least once in their life. We have all, even adults, come across someone who is "different". I think this story shows how well some people are able to understand and accept that there are "different" people from us, we are all our own individual self, so we are all "different" from one another in some way. How we, as children, choose to accept that and acknowledge it is the key to how they will treat everyone they come in contact with in the future. Obviously, parents also play a part in this as well. There are, sadly, parents who are prejudice and without even realizing it sometimes, pass that on to their children, so sad. *Sad* I'm so glad this one ended different.



*Star*Suggestions:
*Note1* I only found one grammatical/spelling error in this piece which is very good for a story this size.- I just means they're not quite the same as you.- I think here you meant to say It just means...
*Note2* I'd really like to see more in this piece on what experiences you had with other children/adults later in your life that were somehow "different" and how you dealt with them compared to how you first treated Karen. I think it would give a bigger picture of how you became and stayed 'human'.




*Star*Overall Impression: Such a sad story with a happy ending, at least for you and people you have possibly met since becoming 'human'. It's a realistic story that many can relate to which is what makes it an enjoyable read. I thank you for sharing this piece and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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38
38
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: Your title is what caught my attention and drew me into reading this story. I'm glad I did. I enjoyed it very much, not that it was a happy story, but it was entertaining. I think the title fits your story well.


*Star* Your use of descriptions helps a reader to feel like they are a part of the story themselves. When we as readers can get good visuals and feel like we are right there witnessing events, the better the story.


*Star* You led into the plot of your story well, giving useful information needed to understand the plot and reason for the story.


*Star* As I stated already, this is an entertaining story, though sad. It draws on a readers emotions and I for had to say to myself, better him than me. I'm also a believer in karma... It hit this guy with everything it has!




*Star*Suggestions:
I think this story could use a little more, though I know you had only 1000 words to use. That's why I rated it at 4.5, as it is, it is good but with more about how this event occured it could be great. Did he wake up one morning and he was on the street? What where his first thoughts? Little things like these descriptions can add so much more.




*Star*Overall Impression: An entertaining story that reminded me of the movie "Trading Places" with Eddy Murphy. I enjoyed that movie, therefor if this story had brought back thoughts of that movie, I could only say I enjoyed this, if only for that reason alone. Thank you for sharing this piece and reminding me of that movie. Think I'll look it up and see it again. It's been ages since I've watched it. *Wink* As always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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Review of Freezing Cold  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: Your title and description of this story is what caught my attention and drew me in. I really hate cold weather and well I was curious as to why four guys would be in a frozen pond.


*Star* You drew my attention from the very first line and kept it all the way through. I had to read the whole thing to understand why on earth they would do such a thing, knowing they we're enjoying themselves.


*Star* You led into the plot of in good timing, giving a reader information needed to understand the meaning/message in this story.


*Star* Your dialog was well written. There was no confusion as to who was speaking when and there didn't seem to be any falsed conversation.





*Star*Suggestions:
It could just be me, but I'm still a little confused as to what they are doing in a freezing pond... I know it had something to do with a charity, but that's all I got from the story. Could you elaborate more?




*Star*Overall Impression: A well versed story, that with just a little more explanation would be an entertaining story for many to read. Thank you for sharing this piece and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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Review of A Final Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: I think your title and description fit your story well. They both give a reader just enough information to draw them into wanting to read your story.


*Star* What a beautiful story! It is told with such love and emotional impact that it is definitely a story worth reading over and over again. Your descriptions of the characters gave your story feeling and you were able to give a reader perfect visuals of the characters, their feelings and surroundings.


*Star* It is such a realistic story, though we all know one cannot go back and view something from our past except in our own minds, but who doesn't wish to?!


*Star* You led into the plot in good timing, giving information needed for a reader to understand the story. I really like how you went back in time, but did not warn a reader before doing so.




*Star*Suggestions:
*Note1* “Are you alright Maria? Do you understand what I am?- you need a quotation mark after am.
*Note2* It was almost time another minute or two.- You need a comma after time.
*Note3* I've always found it is a good idea to italicize thoughts so a reader does not become confused as to if the character is speaking allowed or to themselves.





*Star*Overall Impression: Truly breathtaking, I don't know what more to say... Thank you for sharing this beautiful story and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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Review of Heads Up  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: Who hasn't ever found a "lucky" penny? The description alone is what caught my attention and drew me into reading your story. I must say both title and description fit your story well.


*Star* How very cute a story. It's starts off with positives, then has surprising twists to the old wives tale or rather superstition. Then it ends with positive again. I was half expecting a bad ending, so glad I was mistaken! *Wink*


*Star* You led into the plot of your story well, giving enough information needed to understand the emotions in your writing and the reason for the writing. Although this is a very short story, it gives exactly what is needed.


*Star* Your emotions are strong, never confusing or lacking in any area and with the way you described circumstances, it is easy for a reader to feel for the character.



*Star*Suggestions: NONE




*Star*Overall Impression: I enjoyed this quick little read about how superstition is sometimes overrated and how we let it affect our daily lives. I'm grateful for the happy ending though much disaster had to happen in order for the ending to occur. None the less, it happened. *Wink* Thank you for sharing this piece. I look forward to reading more from you soon. As always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: As a parent of 5 boys I always like to read stories of other parents or in your case, grandparents. Your title and description is what caught my attention and drew me into reading your story here. Both give enough information to capture a readers attention without giving away what lies ahead in your story.


*Star* Out of the mouths of babes! It's an old saying but still holds true to even this day and age. Sadly, though kids these days are having to grow up a little to fast for my taste. They learn about the hardships of real life a little to early on for my liking, but times are just getting harder to hide them from even 5 year olds... Your story is one many can relate to in several different ways.


*Star* You lead into the plot of your story well, setting up the characters, their raw emotions and surroundings. You give enough information for a reader to know what is going on in the story, without any confusion.


*Star* Your emotions in this piece will touch every heart that comes along to read it. There are so many here, joy and sorrow, surprise and sadness, happiness. You expressed them all well.




*Star*Suggestions: Absolutely NONE




*Star*Overall Impression: I'm rather surprised that the smarts your grandson has surprises you, after all was this not your daughters child? A child you raised with every intention of teaching right from wrong, of teaching compassion and caring for others? I enjoyed the read and feel like I've gotten to know a little about you and your family, even if just through this one little story. So much can be learned through so little. Obviously... a child knows a lot more than they let on most of the time. *Wink* Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece with us and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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Review of Dear Daughter  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: Your title and description is what caught my attention and I'm glad I chose this piece of yours to read. They fit your letter (story) well, giving enough information to draw a reader in with curiosity.


*Star* You started and ended this letter with powerful emotion. There wasn't a line in this letter that didn't portray the hurt these characters were going through. There was no confusion as to if this was going to be a happy letter or sad, right from the beginning all the way through.


*Star* Sadly, it is a story many can relate to. Too many "bad" things have happened to someones daughter, son, wife, mother, father and so on and there's so many things family and friends wished they could/should have done or said differently. You relate to these incidents well with such emotion.


*Star* Not a whole lot needs to be said. A reader doesn't need to know exactly what happened to the character to know how the father is feeling. We do know what happened will never change, that the characters have been changed, and that there was much hurt to all the characters. No one likes to read or hear of tragedy, but sadly, it is a part of life...





*Star*Suggestions:

*Note1* The thought of you used and discarded as such torments my waking thoughts, as well as assaulting my dreams. turning my would be fanciful whims into bombarding arrays of disconcerted screams. Turning needs to be capitalized if you intend to leave this line the way it is. *Star* Also, I feel that the second line here is an unfinished statement. These two sentences could easily be rewritten to make one statement. Maybe by using a , or : or ; Or you could rephrase the second line like this: It turned my would be....

*Note2* I would recommend some spacing in your letter here. I would suggest a space between paragraphs and a space after the introduction of Dear daughter. It will help in the overall appearance of the letter, not making it seemed cramped together and gives a reader a chance to pause before continuing.




*Star*Overall Impression: It would be harsh of me to say I enjoyed this letter because of the trauma these characters had been through, but I did enjoy the way it was written. It is full of every emotion needed to portray a tragedy and the afterthoughts, feelings, emotions of these characters.

Thank you for sharing your talent with us on this sad matter. As always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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Review of Panda-monium  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: I have a few young children so I'm always looking for good reads for them and seeing your title and description of this piece, I jumped right in. I think they both fit your little story here very well.


*Star* This story is written the way it should be for young children. You used easy to understand words and you added a lot of fun to it as well. What kid likes a boring story?!


*Star* I can just imagine some of the illustrations in my mind as I read this story. You used very good descriptive words to describe the characters, their emotions and surroundings, yet kept it easy enough for children.


*Star* You led into the plot of your story, setting up the characters and their surroundings to lead into the message/meaning of your story.



*Star*Suggestions:
*Note1* as bears are wont to do- Maybe it's just me but this line has left me very confused. Maybe I need some enlightenment? I notice that there are several places that you change words up, using something to do with bears. Is that the intent here?





*Star*Overall Impression: I really enjoyed this little story of yours about a panda and the panda-monium that took place here. I think any kid would enjoy this little read, sort of reminds me of kung-fu panda. Anyway, thanks for the enjoyable read and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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Review of Son of the Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: Your description of this story is what drew me in to wanting to read this piece. After reading the story, I think your title and description fit your story well without giving away what your story is about.


*Star* You used some pretty good descriptive words in this piece. Several times I found myself visualizing the characters, their surroundings and their emotions.


*Star* You led into the plot of your story in good time, giving the information needed to understand the message of your story.



*Star*Suggestions:
*Note1* The woman and the child ran other way, three of his men should be enough to deal with them. He and other seven warriors went to meet the man.- In both these sentences you are missing the word the. If you read the lines you will notice where they belong.
*Note2* The shadow were growing even bigger;- The shadows were...
*Note3* and one warrior were down.- and one warrior was down.
*Note4* who could avoid the sharp edge but lost balance and fell.- but lost his balance and fell.
*Note5* Her son look unafraid.- Her son looked unafraid. Also I think the word unafraid could be replaced with a much stronger word such as confident or undaunted.
*Note1* the bat ,its hearing; the wolf, its smell- Here you misplaced your comma after bat. Also, I think to cause less confusion for a reader, you could rewrite the last part. the wolf, its sense of smell.
Please don't think that I was being picky, I'm only trying to help improve a write that would be a wonderful story to enjoy over and over again.




*Star*Overall Impression: Although there were several grammatical errors I enjoyed the actual story itself. Once or if, you choose to make some corrections to this piece, I'd like to come back and give it another read. I have always enjoyed Indian tales and this is not an exception. Where you are trying to go with this piece is what really matters, an I think it is a wonderful addition to the American Indian genre. I'd even go so far as to say if it was longer, could make for a good Disney movie. I hope my review has helped in some way and I thank you for sharing this piece with us. As always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: Thank you, first off, for requesting a review from me. Not sure what I did to want you to have me review you, but I'm honored none the less. Anyway, I think your title and description fit your story well without giving away too much information about what lies ahead in the story.


*Star* You did a great *Thumbsup* job with showing instead of telling! I got some very vivid mental pictures with the way you described some emotions and actions.


*Star* You did a good job leading into the plot of your story, giving just enough information the reader needs to understand your plot later. You did a good job with describing the characters, their emotions and their surroundings/settings.



*Star*Suggestions: I did find a few areas that needed just a little work to maybe help your story a bit.-
*Note1* While this is not a requirement in writing, I find it a good idea to use italics instead of quotation marks when you are expressing thoughts of a character. example: Was she cheating on him? he wondered. It helps a reader know the person isn't actually speaking to any one except themselves.
*Note2* Hideous isn't it? Slipped and fell right on my face. Didn't stop bleeding for weeks."- Even though this story is fiction it still needs a bit of reality to it and though I understand it is an exaggeration, bleed for weeks is just a bit too unrealistic. It might confuse a reader, though I know later in the story that the character died from the cut as well as, making it an exaggeration, but at the time a reader doesn't know this.
*Note3* "Yes I am," - Here I believe you need a comma after yes.
*Note4* I..I don't feel love for you anymore and- Here I think you could tighten up the sentence with just stating, "I don't love you any more."
*Note5* well built and his lopsided smile could charm anyone into doing his biding.He had a shrewd and conniving mind.- Here you just need a space between the two sentences.
*Note1* There was an awkward silence and it hovered between them like a cloud- In this line you could tighten it up by just stating: There was an awkward silence that hovered between them like a dark cloud or There was a dark cloud of silence that hovered between them.




*Star*Overall Impression: I found this story a little dark and dramatic. It's a realistic plot and mostly realistic settings that have been known to happen. I like to call it Karma. *Wink* Anyway, I enjoyed the eeriness of this story, as I'm usually pretty keen on ghosts and I'm a big believer in Karma too. I hope my review has helped in some ways and please know that if you'd like me to come back and give another review at any point I'd be more than willing to. Thank you for sharing this piece and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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47
47
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: I passed this story up when I first glanced at it, but something pulled me back to it and I'm glad I came back. It wasn't that I didn't find it interesting the first time I saw it, but well, it hit on a subject you can get me rilled up on forever and I didn't want you to have to suffer through my rants and raves on the pay athletes get while other, more deserving, people settle for pennies. See? here I go! Oops! *embarrassed* Anyway... I think your title and description fit your story well. I couldn't offer up a better suggestion for a title if I tried.


*Star* You had my attention from the begining and you kept it all the way through your story. I found myself saying, "exactly!" "mhhmm," "Yup," and "see, that's what I'm talkin about", throughout your story. You hit on most aspects I find myself questioning about the way things are done/run here in the US. It's a story many could relate to, if they too find things a little screwy with the system.


*Star* You gave good detailed information and never gave too much. I didn't find any thing that seemed unnecessary in the story.


*Star* You led into the plot of your story in good time, giving the information needed to understand the message of your story.



*Star*Suggestions: Absolutely NONE




*Star*Overall Impression: Whether this is how you really feel about this subject or not, you at least have one person who agrees with your story. I'm trying my best not to let everything swimming in my head dealing with this subject jump onto your review right now, if you actually feel what you wrote, then you know most of what I would be agreeing with or saying anyway. I think this is a story most people who think everything is fine how it is now, should read. Maybe they'd change their tune after reading in this way. You hit a lot of points, expressing some pretty strong emotions about a subject many think about often. I enjoyed the read and I thank you for sharing this piece with us. as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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48
48
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: The title and description of this piece is what drew me into wanting to read this little story. Who doesn't know the story of Chicken Little? I was curious as to why you had said it was not that story so I had to read it to find out. I think your title fits your story well.


*Star* The story started out a lot like Chicken Little and I found myself confused until... The last part of your story. what a cute little twist you put to a well known tale! *Bigsmile*


*Star* You gave good descriptions of your settings, characters and their surroundings, which help a reader feel like a part of the story. *Thumbsup*


*Star* You led into the plot of your story in good time, giving information needed to understand the plot of your story and its meaning/message.




*Star*Suggestions: You started off with some good showing instead of telling but then you reached midpoint and seemed to stop. I find stories so much easier to understand the meaning in them, knowing the emotions of the characters. How exactly were they feeling? How can you tell what they are feeling? Using one or two words to describe their actions/emotions helps a reader to feel more for the characters in a story. How did they express their emotions/feelings? i.e. crying, sighing, laughing, exasperated... and so on.
I found no grammatical errors in your write, so other than a little more showing I didn't find anything else that needed improving on.




*Star*Overall Impression: I liked the twist in your story. It was a cute little story about some bugs that really thought their world was changing and I guess in ways, it did. I did also notice this story had a little of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Such tales always have a little lesson to be learned but in such fun ways instead of just flat out telling someone. I enjoyed the read and I thank you for sharing this story. As always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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49
49
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: I was browsing your port for something to read and review for your shower and this little number popped up. The title is what grabbed my attention and I'm glad I stopped in to read it. I'd like to see more people write this, I'm curious like that. *Wink*


*Star* You caught my attention with the title and you held it all the way through this little story of yours with your opinions on why you think you would make a great president. You gave good examples on things you would change and why as well. I like the references to fairytale characters as well. It made it funny in some ways. Readers can choose to relate that to how things actually never would be, a fairytale world is something most everyone can agree will never happen. That's how I take that part of it anyway.


*Star* I like how you left any type of gender out of this piece as far as it came to you. If I hadn't known you were female, I wouldn't have been able to guess as to which you were, which in my opinion is what people should be or rather should not be looking at when voting for a president. What should it matter if our president is male or female as long as they fix what's wrong and keep doing what they've been doing for what is right? Anyway, got a little sidetracked there, sorry.





*Star* You added a little fun to this piece, which is what kept my attention. Politics are definitely not a subject I'm into reading, it kind of has a way of getting me started on rants, which I've been told drive others madly insane. *Confused* So to see some humor in your piece was very enjoyable.*Smile*


*Star*Suggestions:
The story is good as is, however in my personal opinion, I'd just like to see more of what you would do for the real problems facing the US. You touched on unemployment, but there are so many other issues we are facing and with your wit and humor, I'm sure you could capitalize on those areas in this story adding some more serious matters a new president would have to face. (I hope this isn't confusing?) Anyway, as I said for a short, comedic story, this is very enjoyable and I can not say it is missing what I've expressed, just that it's something I personally would like to see.




*Star*Overall Impression: I enjoyed reading this little story about how you would change some things if you were president. You gave good examples and good answers to some questions that would be asked of a would-be candidate. Thank you for sharing this piece and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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Review of Jingle Jangle  Open in new Window.
Review by Shh...whisper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended. *Smile*

*Star*First Impression: Although I'm not much of a horror fan, I do like ghost stories so this piece sounded interesting to me by the description and genres you listed it under. Your title and description fit your story well giving just enough information to draw a reader in.


*Star* You lead into your plot of the story well with describing some of the characters and their surroundings and emotions. There are areas I think that could use more showing instead of telling which I will explain in my suggestions.


*Star* I like how you italicized the flashbacks, separating the past from the present so as not to confuse a reader.


*Star* The flow of your story read quickly which is expected when reading a drammatical horror story. There are areas where a reader is rushed into the next experience, wanting to know what happens next.



*Star*Suggestions:
*Note1* “Colin,” it whispered now directly behind me- You need a comma after whispered.
*Note2* I couldn’t answer and I knew better than to look around into the eyes that would surely change the feeling of fear into another emotion altogether- In this sentence I think it draws on way too long. You could shorten it by simply stating what other emotion looking at it would bring on, personally I'd like to know exactly what kind of emotion would be worse than scared.
*Note3* Michael at the time was ten years old to the day and I was four.- You need a comma after Micheal and one after time.

*Note4* As I stated earlier, I think there are some areas that could use a bit more showing instead of telling. Mostly towards the end of your story when Micheal was talking to Colin. ex: “Please, Colin take it.” Did he sound pleading or angry?





*Star*Overall Impression: With a little improvement in some areas I think this story would be a really good supernatural/horror story that could be extended into other stories. How each year comes and how Colin deals with the situation each year, until something else occurs, either Colin gives in or Micheal gives up. I enjoyed the read and am glad I stopped by to review your piece here. I look forward to reading more of your supernatural stories. I hope this review has helped in some way. Thank you for sharing this piece and as always, please do... Write On!


Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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