|Hello, Amay .
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The story: Sam is sitting at his desk filling out a report about a fire at the Todd residence when the chief calls him into his office. He'd read the first report, and wanted Sam to fill in some of the blanks that were missing from the strange story. Sam explained as best as he could, but it still didn't make any sense to either of them about what had happened.
forms and starting filling
forms, and started filling
This is a series of events, so you need a comma.
house and one strange mirror that didn’t burn down with the rest of the house.
house, and one strange mirror that didn't burn in the fire.
Try not to use the same word so close together. It's best to use a word like 'house' only once in a paragraph. You should try to find some other way to say what you mean.
shook my head and started typing.
shook my head, and started typing.
This is a series of events, so you need a comma before 'and' to help seperate them. The only time you don't use a comma in a series is if you write 'and' in front of every item, action, etc.
This report with the one I wrote last month was going to get me thrown off the force and straight into the loony bin.
This report, along with the one I wrote last month, was going to get me thrown off the force and straight into the loony bin.
back of my head, and headed
back of my head and headed
'And' isn't connecting two complete sentences, so no comma is needed. You can't 'headed toward the end of my career', so it's not a complete sentence.
The chief was at his desk, he looked up from his monitor.
The chief was at his desk (doing what?). He looked up from his monitor (Why?).
I squirmed in my seat, there’s absolutely nothing that matches that going to the principal’s office feeling
I squirmed in my seat. there’s absolutely nothing that matches that 'going to the principal’s office' feeling
When did he sit down?
some kind of hoax,” ...bump had been, “well, sort of.”
some kind of hoax." ... bump had been. "Well, sort of."
His eyes never left mine, he just
His eyes never left mine. He just
He leaned forward,
He leaned forward.
This is an action, not a tag line, so it needs a period.
He doesn’t know why, there
He doesn’t know why. There
The chief stood walked around the edge of his desk and sat down.
The chief stood, walked around the edge of his desk, and sat down.
This is a series of events.
that was kind of scarier than Ida
Who is Ida, and what makes her so scary?
but I made sure it was broken
but I'd made sure it was broken
silent one minute and then it was completely engulfed in flames and you were lying unconscious on the front lawn
silent one minute, and then it was completely engulfed in flames, and you were lying unconscious on the front lawn
He’s really messed up,
He’s really messed up.
“Mrs. Green the witness next door
“Mrs. Green, the witness next door
about domestic violence report and shortly after you arrived she called back about the fire.
about domestic violence report, and, shortly after you arrived, she called back about the fire.
I'm a bit confused. Is Mrs. Green calling to report a case of domestic violence, or is she calling to get a domestic violence report from the police?
dressed up in a Victorian style dress
dressed in a Victorian style dress
Mrs. Green said that didn’t know exactly what happened but the woman’s facial expressions changed completely
She said that she didn’t know exactly what happened, but the woman’s facial expression changed completely
Is 'the woman' whose expression changed Mrs. Todd? You should try to clarify that.
west’ and ran back into the house
west’, and ran back into the house
out of there, “Yes sir, I was
out of there. “Yes sir. I was
“Sit down Sam.”
“Sit down, Sam.”
You use a comma before the name in a direct address to that person.
mirror.Sir, this is where it gets really strange, which is why
mirror. Sir, this is where it gets really strange which is why
There should be a space between 'mirror' and 'sir'.
A scene played out in the mirror. There was Ida.”
What was the scene, and what's it have to do with Ida?
Apparently Ida wasn’t faithful
Apparently, Ida wasn’t faithful
and apparently I was part of the play
and, apparently, I was part of the play
I struck Mrs. Todd. She’d begged me to ‘stay’ but, apparently I was playing the part of Ida’s husband.”
I struck Mrs. Todd. She’d begged me to ‘stay’, but, apparently, I was playing the part of Ida’s husband.”
Why did he strike Mrs. Todd, and why would she ask him to stay after he did it? How was Sam playing the part of Ida's husband? I think Sam's tale needs a little work to make it clearer to the reader as to what he saw in the mirror, and what his part in the situation with Mrs. Todd was. Was Sam doing to Mrs. Todd what Ida's husband was doing to her as it happened in the mirror?
The chief walked back around his desk and sat down.
As far as I can tell by going back through the story, the chief was already sitting back down behind his desk, so when did he get back up, and why?
under a microscope and he was
under a microscope, and he was
This is two complete sentences, so they should be separated by a comma.
but sir, the police weren’t
but, sir, the police weren’t
It wasn’t Mrs. Todd though, it was Ida.
How did he know?
admitted that she killed her husband
admitted that she'd killed her husband
The look in her eyes, I knew that I was in big trouble.”
By the look in her eyes, I knew I was in big trouble.”
Be sure to check through all of the story for these direct addresses.
So you don’t know
So, you don’t know
house was gone and the
house was gone, and the
I walked over my desk and tried to pull up my report. It was gone. I guess the chief must have it pulled up in his office.
If Sam was trying to pull up his report from a computer and couldn't, why would he think that the chief had it pulled up on his? Even if the chief had it pulled up on his computer, Sam still should have been able to access it from his computer at the same time.
I got a cold chill would shoot straight up my spine
a cold chill shot straight up my spine
You've used quite a few adjectives in this story. It's best to try not to use more that 1 per every 300 words. Most of them are unneeded and can be easily deleted. Here's an article that explains more about using them.
It seems like you have a little problem with commas, so here is an article that may be able to help you with the basics.
Thoughts: This is a pretty good story, but I did have a bit of a hard time getting into it. I found myself confused about the events that went on with the Todd's home. I can understand that the cops may be stumped about what was going on and a little confused, but it should make some sense to the reader. There were several questions that I asked to help clear up a few things, but I felt that it would have been more enjoyable to me as a reader if I could see how all of the pieces fit together. It seemed like Sam's information was just scratching the surface of what happened. It's supposed to be mysterious, but it seemed to lack a bit of what would really capture my attention, and make me wonder about the purpose of the mirror. I pointed out quite a few punctuation issues, but I didn't get all of them, so you'll need to check back through it and fix those as best as you can. I hope you've found my review helpful as you edit this story. As I said, it's a pretty good story, and with a little more work and attention to the small details, I believe it can be a great story. You have most of the story already written, so all you need to do is fine-tune it a bit.
This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.
Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.