*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/missy0201
Review Requests: OFF
482 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I pick the item apart and give as much feedback as I can about potential problems that may need to be addressed.
I'm good at...
Most grammar and punctuation issues.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Supernatural, Suspense, Thriller, Dark, Ghost, Non-sense, Comedy, or anything relating to these.
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica, Fanfiction, War, Military, Spiritual, Religious, Nonfiction, Arts, or anything relating to these.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Novels
I will not review...
I'll not review any item that has not be edited to the writer's best ability, or that I find impossible to read and review because of an abundance of grammar and punctuation mistakes that I feel the author could have corrected during editing.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 ... Next
1
1
Review of The Diagnosis  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi J.E. Allen ! Welcome to WDC! I hope you find my review of "The Diagnosis helpful.

My thoughts on your story:
Overall, I thought you did a very good job with this story, and I enjoyed reading it. I loved the twists that you put on the end. The wife and the call was a nice touch. I would have liked to seen how it played out if Duncan would have gotten that message just before the dark man got to him. could he have stopped his death, or would it have been too late to call it off since the dark man told him before that he couldn't? It awoke my imagination, so thanks for the great read.

Punctuation and grammar:
This is just a small example of some of the punctuation and grammar fixes I found early on. My suggestions or questions are in parenthesis. If you're not sure about punctuation, I suggest checking out "So,,,Put A Comma Here,,,Or Not???

parking lot, outside a hole-in-the-wall (You should remove the comma here)
heavy drizzle, that brought (You should remove the comma here)
thought, it’s not (I would suggest a period instead of a comma here)
Thanks for the nice tip sweetie (You need a comma between "tip" and "Sweetie")

moment for the fogginess of sleep. (To do what?)
which meant blood was present (I don't think this explanation is needed)
some the stomach flu or an ulcer (Take out "some" or "the")
But now, that he would never (Remove the comma and "that")
about the betters times (about the better times)
the warm and safe womb (her warm, safe womb)
reminders to remember to lock the back door (reminders to lock the back door)
he gave the man he met behind the bar (he'd given the man behind the bar)
looked both ways down the street (looked both ways, up and down the street)
he took his agreed position (Perhaps "preferred" position would work better here)
accompanied by the click of the lock finding its home. (Confusing. The door is unlocked, and this sounds like he is locking it.)
he left his earlier in the day (he left it earlier in the day)
find an insane killer in his home (He didn't seem insane to me. Maybe just "hired" killer)
to look real don’t you (to look real, didn't you)
Although, the past few weeks her husband has (Although, for the past few weeks, her husband had)
A rerun of The Price is Right playing to and empty room. (This needs just a little work along with the sentence before. The reader needs to know why this is here. Did she hear it? See it?)
breath became caught in her throat (breath caught in her throat)

Final thoughts:
Most of the problem areas I found had to do with punctuation, so you may want to go back through it and correct those. I didn't point all of them out, but I'm sure you can find most of them if you slowly go back through it. My other suggestions are for you to use as you see fit.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of The Steps  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Same Ol' Sum1 . *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


House Arryn
"Game of Thrones


The story: This is an amusing little story about a set is stone steps and an arch that leads to a meadow beyond the house. It's told from the point of view of the steps and arch as they discuss their importance and reminisce. about all the things they've been a part of.*Smile*

Suggestions:

a duck pond centered in the middle of it
I think using 'centered' and 'middle' is a bit too much here. It seems repetitive. I also felt it needed a little more description of the field because the sentence felt a bit unfinished.

Arch will agree with me I’m sure in
Arch will agree with me, I’m sure, in

Every one of you is wrong
It seem likes 'is' should be 'are', but neither if them really sound right to me. I know it's dialog, so it's not really incorrect either way, but it gave me a pause as I read it.
*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I found this to be a very creative and amusing little story. It seems to read a bit rough as far as the flow is concerned, but the main thing that caught my attention was the lack of individual voices for the stones. I thought it would be a bit more entertain if there was a little indication of the sex of each stone. I could get a sense of a couple of them, but questioned others. Otherwise, I enjoyed the read. Thanks for the chance to read and review it.*Reading*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Lost Without You  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Same Ol' Sum1 . *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


House Arryn
"Game of Thrones


The poem: This poem is about a man that has lost his muse, so he's been unable to write.He begs and pleads with her to return, and even turns to God in his despair. Finally she returns to him and he's able to write once more.*Smile*



Thoughts: I don't review a lot of poetry because I don't know enough about it to give much of a helpful review. I did enjoy the piece though, and I felt a connection wit the man because I've been having quite a bit of writer's block for a while now. I enjoyed the style and your word choices. I did feel that in a few places the cadence was a bit off, and some of the rhymes didn't quite mesh together as well as they could. I think that a poem is very personal to the writer, so I hesitate to mention any suggestions for improvement. I write a bit of poetry myself at times, and I know you can't always control the flow that the emotion chooses to follow. I feel that this poem is honest and real, and that any writer that has ever suffered from writer's block will find it easy to connect with. Good job!*Reading*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Amalie Cantor - We Got This! . *Reading*

Happy Account Anniversary!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


House Arryn
"Game of Thrones


The story: Binda is a warrior, and as a warrior, she is trained to kill the Unseeing. These are creatures, so Binda understood, couldn't see the beauty of the world and filled it with darkness. She watched and studied her pray, an Unseeing called Skie, and began to feel captivated by her. She entered Skie's dreams at night and asked her riddles. When Skie's life was in danger, Binda went against all she held so dear, and all she knew, to save her life. *Smile*

Suggestions:

Binda had ever been a warrior.
This just need a bit of clarity. Maybe something like 'Binda had only ever been a warrior'. I'm not sure if that's what you're aiming for, but look it over and see what you think.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: This story is so beautifully written that I couldn't help but get lost in it. You've done a wonderful job creating this story and its characters. I was so caught up that I didn't want it to end, but I liked the way it ended. It's a heartwarming love story, and I refuse to think about what would happen to both of them if Binda's community found out. That would just be heartbreaking unless she could get them to see the Unseeing in a different light. Thanks for allowing me to read and enjoy your work. *Reading*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, ElaineElaine . *Reading*

Happy Account Anniversary!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


House Arryn
"Game of Thrones


The article: This article was written as a 'how to', and the title and description pretty much sums up the piece very well. The author spins the tables around on the advice of other articles on 'how to' get read and reviewed. Although it would seem that there wouldn't be much difference in a 'how to' about getting read and 'how to' not get read, this one spells out specific areas that bother them and many other members that enjoy reading and reviewing other's work. *Smile*


Thoughts: I have to say that I enjoyed reading this article. I like reading these types of advice items because I can, most of the time, find a thing or two that will help me or that I can pass on to someone else. I don't know how it would fare as a professional article since most of the time they are a bit less harsh and personal. Not to knock your writing, because it is a good article, but I seemed to feel a little underlying rage which made it read more like a rant on what your reasons for not reading another member's work are, but that's just my opinion. I'm not saying that's a bad thing since this was written by you, and, like all of us, there was something that led you to write it. I'm glad you did write it because there is a need for it, and that is the main reason that I chose to review it. You have a lot of great, solid advice in here, and I hope that all those members that choose not to take this site and their writing serious, will see that they have no one to blame but themselves for anyone else not taking them seriously. Thanks for the great read! *Reading*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, C.A. . *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


House Arryn
"Game of Thrones


The story: The story begins with a man sitting impatiently while waiting to see the doctor because he's injured his foot. When he finally gets into his office, he discovers the whole mess has been a huge waste of time. When the doctor leaves the room, he decides that he will take something with him to compensate for the unsatisfactory experience, leaving the reader to wonder what his next step may be. *Smile*

Suggestions:

three on each of the three walls
You may want to rework this a little so that you're not using the same word so close together.

where on has New York
where one has New York

It was only that no one
It was only that no one

when a female crossed the road
You may want to make this just a little clearer because I wondered if he was talking about a human or dog when I read it.

though I must admit
Though I must admit - This is a new sentence even though it follows ellipsis, so it needs to start wit a capital letter.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: You did a good job writing this little story, and I hope none of it was based too much on fact. One thing that I thought it could use was some details about how the doctor was moving the foot when he asked his questions. You have been so detailed in the rest of it that I felt a little cheated in that spot. I loved the ending to your story and now I wonder what his plan was and what will happen next. At least he got something out of the visit, I guess. As you can see, I didn't find much to pick on your story about, and I enjoyed getting the chance to read it. At least your guy only had to wait twenty minutes to see the doctor. My usual wait time is closer to an hour if I'm lucky. Thanks for the laugh today, and best of luck with all your writing. *Reading*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Asylum  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, The prodigal son returns 2021. . *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


I am reviewing your item because you're listed in "The Grammar Garden's Gardeners and because it's a Member to Member review for "Showering Acts of Joy Chickadee Marathon. I hope you enjoy it! *Smile*

The story: This is the story of a young girl named Adelia who has escaped her imprisonment in an asylum. We follow her through a forest as she tries to outrun and outwit her previous tormentors and the creatures that she fears. *Smile*

Suggestions:

You should try not to use a lot of adverbs because they're considered by many editors to be 'lazy writing'. I found quite a few in this story, so I wanted to share a link with you that may give you some ideas on how to avoid using so many.

Writing Blunders  

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed getting a chance to read this little story of yours. You did a wonderful job writing it and keeping my interest throughout it. You have a nice writing style that keeps the story flowing. It's my personal opinion that this piece can only be improved by working through and removing the adverbs, but, in the end, that is your choice to make. Otherwise, I think this is a great story, and I only regret that it ended so soon. I would have liked to have seen Adelia outsmart the creatures on another level instead of her taking the easy way out. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, My Mothers Angel in my Ear . *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: In this article, the author shares with the reader their reason for reading a person's autobiography. They list two examples of people and facts that has stood out to them, and shared their insights into why a person may choose to cover certain areas of their life while they omit other areas that may be just as important, if not more important, to who they are. *Smile*

Suggestions:

Forth that is where
Do you mean 'for'?

While this information s important
Is this supposed to be 'is' here?

this is a small but fund story
There were a couple of words I thought you may have meant instead of 'fund'. I'm guessing this is just a typo too.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed getting the chance to read this article about why you enjoy reading autobiography. You've done a good job of citing some interesting facts about two people that you've read about. I liked the way you included a little of your insight into why people choose certain topics to focus on, and it made for a nice read. Apart from the few typos I mentioned, and a few punctuation questions, I couldn't find any other flaws with it. Thanks for writing this because it's shown me that this is an area that I may want to read more into. There are some interesting people in the world, and you've shown me that some of them are worth looking in to. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, Christine .

I'm reviewing "Forms of Government because it's an entry in "Invalid Item. Thank you for your entry.

The story:

Olivia Mathews is the daughter of the British Ambassador to the Unite States, was attending a ball given by her parents for the trade conference between their galactic trading partners. She's a plain girl who considers herself more like Cinderella because she's left to handle all of the tasks to make sure everything runs smoothly. Before the night is out, she learns that she's a very important assed to on of the trading partners, but she tries to escape her fate. She's captured and taken to be implanted with a device that will allow her to understand all of the foreign languages, and she finds out how important she really is. *Smile*


Suggestions:

Which woman would not have felt that way?
What woman would not have felt that way?

they all had to appear at their best advantage
I don't think you mean 'advantage' here, or at least not the way the sentence is written. You may want to try to rework this little area.

no matter how many university commendation
no matter how many university commendation(s)

Ambassador to the Unite States
I wasn't sure if 'Unite' was what you meant, or if you forgot to add the 'd' on the end for 'United'.

underlined with an almost unshakable believe
underlined with an almost unshakable belief

from that mouth contained the wisdom of the aged
I think that 'ages' would work a little better here instead of 'aged'.

question if his tongue was as slitted as that
question of his tongue being as slitted as that

The only truly human feature were his long
The only human feature was his long

she was glad to take a seat besides her father
she was glad to take a seat beside her father

governments you are only sixth candidate discovered
governments you are only the sixth candidate discovered

The Ambassador had leant forward
The Ambassador had leaned forward

constricting her chest with each breath more
constricting her chest with each breath

began to overpower all over sounds
began to overpower all other sounds

was able to ignore the pull the scalp
was able to ignore the pull on their scalp

her character leant towards the flight side
her character leaned towards the flight side

but she had also spend most of her life
but she had also spent most of her life

still mild in comparison what came next
still mild in comparison to what came next

her nippled reacted instinctively to the stimulation
her nipples reacted instinctively to the stimulation

another set of changing sensation
another set of changing sensations

Mylord Aten, we need to speak
My lord, Aten, we need to speak

He gave the other man the his official
He gave the other man the official

for all intents and purposes, violated her
for all intents and purposes, of how we violated her

ad behest of the man before him
at the behest of the man before him

though I have learnt the hard way
though I have learned the hard way

possibly including various of its satellites
possibly including various numbers of its satellites

Notes:

Be careful with the use of adverbs ending in -ly. Most editors recommend 1 per every 300 words, but they prefer less. Most of them can be easily deleted, but sometimes you may need to try to rework a sentence to remove them.

Be sure to check over your punctuation as well as you can. You can do some research to learn more about how to use them, or New Horizons Academy offers 2 classes that deal with punctuation.

I've reviewed a couple of entries from you, so I'm guessing you may not have gotten a chance to do any real editing on this story. Check over your formatting because it seems like some of the paragraphs run together, and there isn't a blank like between the dialog and previous paragraph and next paragraph. *RollEyes*


Thoughts:

I enjoyed getting a chance to read this story. You came up with a good way to use the prompt for this round of the contest, and I've seen some improvement in you ability to add the element of horror to your story. I thought it was entertaining, and it kept my attention very well. I always enjoy seeing what your imagination will produce from the prompts in the contest, and you never disappoint me with your creativity. I can see why you would have nightmares after writing this story. *Wink* It does need editing, but, overall, I liked the storyline. Try to read it out loud to yourself when you finish writing it so you can catch some of these simple things. Thanks for the enjoyable read. *Reading*


This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of USCVS  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, sweetmaggie . Thanks for requesting a review of "USCVS from me. *Reading*

The story:

This seems to be the beginning of a novel about a boy named Oakley, and a girl vampire named Louisa. Oakley is a pretty good guy that feels like he has to prove himself to his peers, and Louisa is the daughter of two vampires that have recently moved in beside him. Although Oakley hasn't paid much attention to her since they moved in, she'd been watching him. When school started, they officially met for the first time, and he thought she looked familiar. By the end of the day he knew who she was, and a bond was beginning to develop between them. *Smile*


Suggestions:

The first thing I noticed dealt with the formatting, you don't need to put two spaces between sentences. You may want to get that taken care of as soon as you can.

Chapter 1

He couldn’t remember her voice or her smile or the smell of her hair.
He couldn’t remember her voice, her smile, or the smell of her hair.
(This line seemed a bit off with the use of the extra 'or' in there)


The outgoing seniors think it is funny to dare the incoming seniors to do something crazy before school starts.
The outgoing seniors thought it was funny to dare the incoming seniors to do something crazy before school started.
(You'd changed the tense in this sentence, and it felt off since the rest of it was in past tense.)


still hadn’t managed to get the nerve to steal
still hadn’t managed to get up the nerve to steal
still hadn’t managed to get the nerve up to steal
(I think you just missed a word here. You needed the word 'up', and I've given two examples of where it would work in the sentence.)


ambled into the closet to grab clothes
I think this might sound better if you added a little detail about the clothes such as 'to grab his favorite faded jeans and a t-shirt', or any other description like that instead of just calling them 'clothes'. It paints more of a picture in the reader's mind.

He could hear the news on in the family room
He could make out the sound of the news anchor's voice coming from the family room
(This seems to add a bit more depth to the sentence. You want to do more showing than telling so that it draws the reader further into the story. There are a few other ways you can write this section that would work really well too.)


A gentleman would offer her a ride, but being a teenage boy, Oakley thought nothing of it as he drove past her toward the school.
(I don't think this really works here. It doesn't matter what a gentleman or teenage boy would do. All that matters is what Oakley did. You may want to think about removing the first part of the sentence and just starting it at the part that deals specifically with Oakley.)

Chapter 2

She had seen him the night before. When he was trying to sneak out of his room, she had seen him.
(This seems a little repetitive since you start out by telling the reader she'd seen him the night before. I can see a couple of ways that you could change this to make it read better. You could either remove the first sentence, or combine the first sentence and the first part of the second one. I think it would work either way.)

father step outside to take the trash out. So she turned her light on
(I believe it would work better if you combined these two sentences using a comma to separate them because she turned on the light because she saw his father.)

She hated being the new kid. Every few years, he parents felt the pressure to relocate and start over.
(This all feels incomplete. Here are a few questions that might help you.Why did she hate being the new kid so much? Why did her parents feel the need to start over so often? What kind of pressure were they under? Why were they under that pressure? Did someone find out their secrets? You may not need to answer all of these questions here, but this would be a good place to allow the reader to get to know more about her and her life.)

You have a lot of great information in this second chapter, but it seems more condensed, and more like facts about the life of vampires instead of Louisa. Since you seem to be planning on making this into a book, you may want to spread out these facts throughout the other chapters that deal with Louisa and her heritage, past, etc. You're just introducing her, so you may want to spend a little more time letting the reader get to know who she is.

Chapter 3

This is a pretty good chapter. I don't think I found anything major to comment on in this one, but you may want to at least look back over it when you edit.

Chapter 4

embarrassed upon going to France and saying wrong?
embarrassed upon going to France and saying it wrong?
(Just a missing word here.)


Notes:

Try to be careful about using adverbs ending in -ly. Most editors recommend only 1 per every 300 words, but it's better if you can use less than that. Most of them can be removed without any problem, but occasionally, you may need to rewrite a sentence.

You should go through your punctuation very carefully. It seems like this may be a bit of a problem area for you, or you just didn't get a chance to go back through it looking for those areas. If this is an area that gives you some problems, New Horizons Academy offers a couple of classes on punctuation that you may find helpful. Registration for the fall semester will be starting soon, so I'll add the link so that you can check out the classes. I recommend only taking one of the classes at a time because both the comma and punctuation classes require a bit of concentration to learn all of the rules.

 
STATIC
New Horizons Academy Course Catalog  (13+)
Affordable Writing Courses in English Grammar, Punctuation, Fiction, Poetry, and More!
#1461280 by Katzendragonz

*RollEyes*


Thoughts:

I enjoyed getting a chance to read this beginning to your book. I like the direction you're going with it so far, and I think it will make for a good read once you finish it. Apart from the comments and suggestions I made above, I thought there was room for you to add more details in places, and the chapters are a bit short. It seemed more like a detailed outline of each of these chapters. I'm sure when you finish writing the rest of it and go back to do some editing, you'll see places where you can add more details and storyline in each chapter. All in all it was a good read and nice start to your book. Don't be upset by the rating because I think you have a nice foundation to work with, and I hope you'll continue to work on it. Good luck with all of your future writing! *Reading*


This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*


"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, Thursday--Goodbye Virus! . *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS [E] for giving such awesome reviews! Keep up the great work.

The story:

This is the prologue to a longer story that the author hopes to write about Adam and Eve. It follows them through their journey and wonder at the world surrounding them. It travels along with the events as most of us have been taught throughout the beginning of time, until they are removed from the paradise they'd been living in. Now they're banished and the garden is hidden because they allowed the serpent to lead them astray. *Smile*


Suggestions:

Both the man and the woman were naked
Both the man and woman were naked (I stumbled here just a bit. The extra 'the' before woman isn't necessary to help clarify who you're talking about, so you many want to ditch it to help keep it smooth.)

They were lean but not thin, built but not muscular.
I can't help but feel like something is missing here to complete the thought. Maybe you can try combining this with the sentence after it so if feels more complete, or add something like 'in all ways they appeared perfect' at the beginning or end of the sentence.

He handed the rest of the fruit to the woman beside him as he savored the sweet taste, resting his head again against the back of the tree, allowing his eyes to close.
This seemed like a little too much in one sentence for me. Maybe you can split it into two sentences. '...sweet taste. Resting his head once more against the back of the tree, he allowed his eyes to drift close.'

And in a place as this, he never could really be alone, even if he was the only of his kind.
And in a place such as this, he never could(could never) really be alone, even if he was the only one of his kind. (It seemed like you were missing a couple of words.)

Everywhere he looked, he saw belonging, a fitting in with the natural way of things.
This sentence seems to be bothering me, and I can't put my finger on exactly why. I think it may have something to do with the word 'belonging'. I don't think it fits right with what you mean. Maybe you mean something more like familiarity or unity. Who or what was fitting in with the natural way of things?

There can never be anything worse.
Here you have a change in tense.

to at least see another of himself
to at least see another like himself

to see one of his own kind, a man as he was
I know how you're using the word 'man' here, but it sounds like you're saying the new person was a man instead of a woman. Maybe something like 'someone like himself'.

for they were one
I felt this was a little repetitious since the paragraph gave the impression that they were connected and bonded together by her creation.

Some squirrels bounded
Think about removing 'some' or try to be a little more specific about how many. Some doesn't tell the reader much, but several, numerous, etc. may work better if you want to use something there.

patch of grass behind a certain boulder
What made this boulder different than any of the other boulders, and how could they see the lamb behind it?

find the best one and take and eat
I don't think the wording here really works. It seems a little plain considering how much detail you've been putting into the story. I think a little rewrite here would help smooth it out.

Neither took more than a bite,
Try not to use the same word more than once in a paragraph. You've used 'bite' three times in this one, and in this part, it seems a little repetitious the way you've written it. I like the idea of it because it lets the reader know they only took one bite each, but it may need a little rewrite.

walking naked with no shame
walking naked in the garden with no shame

As if He did not already know. . . .
He didn't already know what? I know he would have known, but wasn't there a confrontation of some kind? I think something along the lines of he knew what they'd done and decided to punish them by sending them from the garden.

Try to be careful when it comes to using adverbs. Most editors recommend using only 1 per every 300 words, but it's best if you can avoid them as much as possible. They don't add anything to the story, and can be easily removed without any problem, but occasionally you may need to do a little rewrite of a sentence to remove one. *RollEyes*


Thoughts:

You've done a good job writing this version of the events of Adam and Eve, and I enjoyed your writing style. I thought you brought a new twist to this story, and I noticed it is what you hope is a prologue to a book. With that in mind, I was wondering just where you would go from here, and is this going to be a fictional piece? I know there aren't many very specific descriptions of the events, so I think it would be interesting to see how you transform it all into something that will make the reader think about what it could have been like. I'd like to be able to ask myself, 'could this have happened?', and I think you did a good job of making me think about that. Thank you for a entertaining read, and I wish you the best of luck with finishing this piece. *Reading*


This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Carmelita's Room  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, percy goodfellow . *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: A couple have a hidden room where they run their secret, underground business. When his wife starts to act suspicious, he has her followed by some of the people he does business with. They find out that she's seeing another woman, and they want him to put an end to it. When he confronts her, they decide on an arrangement that is beneficial to both of them. *Smile*

Suggestions:

a false wall that opened to an access code
a false wall that opened by an access code

What they would see is Carmelita’s room.
What they would see was Carmelita’s room.

Carmelita Sanchez was Alonso’s wife and they had been married
Carmelita Sanchez was Alonso’s wife, and they had been married

had never been unfaithful and worshiped
had never been unfaithful, and worshiped

manipulated the data and kept the books
manipulated the data, and kept the books (With a list of things, you separate all of them with a comma.)

She watched his back. He called her "Smoke."
She watched his back, so he called her "Smoke". (These two very sentences are connected, so they would sound better added together.)

In Wall Mart he could never find her.
It should be WalMart.

called her on the cell phone and she directed him to Cosmetics
called her on the cell phone, and she directed him to Cosmetics (This is two complete sentences on their own, so there should be a comma before 'and'.)

Her presence was seldom noted and on the rare occasions it was, tended to be dismissed.
Her presence was seldom noted, and, on the rare occasions it was, she tended to be dismissed.

This might seem an impossible challenge but he accomplished it.
This might seem an impossible challenge, but he accomplished it.

He followed her on occasion and after several hours of sneaking around would return home exhausted.
He followed her on occasion, and, after several hours of sneaking around, would return home exhausted.

As time went on it was reported
As time went on, it was reported

The woman, was identified
The woman was identified

Alonso however, kept trying to get up the nerve
Alonso, however, kept trying to get up the nerve

You know after Rochelle is asleep
You know, after Rochelle is asleep

various types of BDSM apparatus
I think you mean 'apparatuses' here.

Sometimes when they were alone together they’d go downstairs and watch the videos.
Sometimes when they were alone together, they’d go downstairs and watch the videos.

You seem to have a little bit of a problem with your comma placement, so you may want to consider brushing up on some of the finer points by taking the Comma Sense class offered by New Horizons.
*RollEyes*


Thoughts: You've done a good job writing this story. It kept my attention, and I enjoyed the story. Most of the time the wife is in the dark about what her husband does for a living, so I liked that she was in it with him. Thank you for an enjoyable read, and keep up the good work. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Hotel  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, Christine .

I'm reviewing your story because you entered it in the "Invalid Item in the horrotica category. Thanks for your entry. *Reading*


The story: *Smile*

The main character is a woman who's been kidnapped by a rapist and murderer, but he wasn't the only one. She's not alone though because there are a couple of other women there with her. Over the period of time that she'd been there, she'd formed a plan for their escape. When she was ready, she put the plan into action, but everything didn't go quite as smoothly as she'd thought. The other two girls were too weak to be of any help, and although she was weak too, she tried to save them all. In her escape, she tripped and fell, knocking herself out, and when she came to, she found herself in the care of a vampire. She learned there were certain rules that they had to follow in order to claim a mate, and he intended to claim her.


Suggestions: *RollEyes*

She stared at them with incomprehension, with utter disbelief.
She stared at them with incomprehension and utter disbelief.

Her mind could not get past the fact that she had shot a man.
This is just repeating what you wrote earlier about her shooting him and then finding it hard to believe. Try to avoid repeating yourself.

For three months he had chained her, had tortured her, had forced her to endure unspeakable acts for his own amusement.
For three months he had chained her, tortured her, and forced her to endure unspeakable acts for his own amusement.

For three months he had killed one girl
This seems a little repetitive since you've told the reader how long she'd been there. You may want to try something like 'During those months of captivity, he had killed one girl...'

Though both had been here less time than her
Though neither had been there as long as her

would not remain safe for long as soon as the other men
Would not remain safe for long when the other men

They had almost reached the end of the hallway, had almost reached the lobby before the staircase down, when she heard it: footsteps.
I'm a little confused about exactly where they are here and where they're heading. Are they at the landing to go down the stairs to the lobby? This raises more questions about the interior of the hotel. How many levels is it? Why isn't there a stairwell to the lobby? Is this just a two-story hotel without elevators? Some types have an outside walkway that leads to a set of stairs that goes down to the parking lot, so you may want to give a bit more detail here since this is where the story is taking place. You might want to replace 'almost' with a stronger word.

Possibly they should try to go up instead?
If the sound seemed to come from above them, why would she think about going up?

She could hear her own breath in the silence of the room and was convinced that their captors must hear it too, that it would lead them directly to them.
This could be a little confusing because you're referring to the captors and the women as them. You may want to find another description for the captors. Are they all men? Maybe 'lead them directly to their escaped prisoners'.

There are several typos such as misspelled and missing words that you'll need to look for when you edit.

As you edit, try to make sure you avoid using the same word more than once in a paragraph. Sometimes it can't be helped, but try to find another word to use before you settle on repeating one.

Be careful with adverbs that end in -ly. They make for weak writing if used too often, and most publishers and editers suggest using only one per ever 300 words, but it's better if you don't use any.

Try to write in a more active voice than a passive voice when possible. It really brings the story to life.


Thoughts: *Reading*

You've done a good job writing this story considering it is your first time trying your hand at writing horror. I liked your main character and the fact that you made her such a strong willed woman.I liked both the horror and erotic aspects of the story, but it could have been stronger. There were a lot of places where you could have used much stronger verbs to really make it pop. It's easy to see from this story that you're more comfortable with writing erotica, which isn't my strongest genre to review, so that's why I'm more focused on the horror part. This may be another genre that you might consider exploring and developing. The suspense was there, and I felt some fear along with the kidnapped women as they tried to escape their captors. The biggest problem I've found was that you need to focus more on the punctuation when you edit, and be sure to check your spelling, check for missing words, and make sure the tense is right. The horror felt a little stiff compared to the erotica, but it's not so easy sometimes for people who write in that genre all of the time, so if you decide to enter the horrotica part of the contest again, or try to write a horror piece, just try to use the same style of writing so it comes out smoother. Since it's so new to you, you may need to go over it several times to get it all smoothed out, but I believe in time, and with a bit of practice, you'll do pretty well with that genre. I hope I'll see a bit of horror from you now and then because I believe you have a bit of a knack for it. If you have a writing program that accepts .doc files, I can send you a copy of the typos and some other minor things that I found also.


This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Hopes, Dreams & Wishes Auction
"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus"Newbie Welcome Wagon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of The Gift  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, Tom is now retired .

I'm reviewing "The Gift because it's a horror entry in "Invalid Item. Thank you for your entry.

The story: *Smile*

Lisa has returned home for a reunion after being gone for some time. Memories of her childhood fill her mind. As she passed the cemetery where she and her friends once dared each other to go in, she laughed at the adventures they'd had. She met up with her ex-boyfriend, and he told her he had a gift for her, but she had to go into the cemetery to find it. Afterwards they were to go for drinks, so she took the challenge.


Thoughts: *Reading*

This is a nice little twist on the classic horror story about a cemetery. I think it's a more modern version, and you bring some new elements to it. I can't say that as a reader I was completely satisfied with the story or the writing style, and I had hoped for a little more creativity so that it didn't seem like the same thing I'd read over and over.

As we all know, the first line is the most important because this is where we try to catch the reader enough that they will want to read the whole story, and I didn't feel yours did that for me. I got the feeling that you were starting in the middle of the story instead of the beginning. I would have liked to have learned about these kids and some of their experiences. That would have explained more about the power it had over everyone better than you just telling me that everyone knew the story and was scared of the cemetery. I don't know the stories about the cemetery, so how am I supposed to feel and understand the fear they all have about it? Do you see what I mean?

This read like a quick outline for a story instead of the complete and edited version. There are mistakes with punctuation, and typos, but its main flaw is the visual descriptions that should have been there to paint a picture in my mind. Things like 'a large tree' or 'a dark night' doesn't engage my imagination, and it also doesn't flow smoothly. Don't be afraid to go beyond the ordinary and use the senses. I'm sure you've heard of 'show not tell', and, if you haven't, you may want to look for some articles that deal with that subject. Here's a couple of articles from other members that you may find a little helpful in your writing.

 
STATIC
Creating Motion in Fiction  (13+)
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
#1357824 by Joy

"Invalid Item

I'm in no way suggesting that you toss the story. I think it's a good story to build on because it does have a few elements that's unique. There's always a dare, but you take it to another level by adding the gift to it, and it's modern because you bring into it things that our world centers around today. With some work, I think this would make a nice story that horror fans can enjoy. Good luck with editing and all your writing.


This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus"Newbie Welcome Wagon"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, indelibleink .

I have read "A Picture of Elegance and I offer this review of your story.

The story: *Smile*

Steve's girlfriend has just broken up with him, so he decides to take a hike in the national forest to clear his head and think about nature. When he arrives at what looks like the perfect place to eat his lunch, he spies a woman across the way drawing. He'd not noticed her before, so he was curious about how she'd gotten there. He went over to talk to her, but she continued to sketch without paying him much attention. He noticed that she resembled a singer that his mother liked, so he began referring to her by that name. Wanting to give her space to finish her work, he went in search of the path she would have taken to get to the area. He found a bag with a sketch pad in it, and took the opportunity to look at some of her other drawings. What he found amazed and troubled him. He returned to her demanding an explanation, but he wasn't prepared for what he discovered.


Suggestions: *RollEyes*

Check over some of your punctuation. There should be a comma between the profession and the person's name in your paragraph about who was in the sketches. I believe there may be a few other little places you missed, so go over it as carefully as you can to find those.

You have used a lot of unnecessary adverbs in this story. Most publishers agree that you should use only one per every three-hundred words. Most of them can be easily removed just by deleting them, but for some, you may need to rework the sentence a bit.


Thoughts: *Reading*

This is a well thought out story that I enjoyed getting a chance to read. You've done a good job with your descriptions, but I was a bit puzzled when he finished looking at her sketches and flew into a rage towards her. There isn't any explanation as to why he got so upset. I also think that the interaction between the two rangers wasn't as realistic as it could have been although it ties the story together. It may need just a little work to bring out a clearer picture of why they were there and how what they found connected to the story. The pencil was a nice touch to make sure the reader had some understanding of what happened. Thank you for the chance to read your story.


This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus"Newbie Welcome Wagon"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, warriormom. I found your item "Course Description for NH Catalog as I was clicking through the ramdom read feature and thought I'd give it a review for you. *Reading*

The Item: This is the description of the Punctuation Inc. Course offered through New Horizons Acadamy. It lets the reader know why the class is important, and gives some basic information on the class. *Smile*

Thoughts: You've done a good job with this basic information, and, as I expected, there wasn't any punctuation errors that I noticed. I was a little surprised at how short it is though, and how few details you actually give about the class itself. It actually makes it sound a little borning and way too serious considering we're talking about you. *Wink* I would have liked to see more of your personality in here to show that they would have fun while they're learning these different types of punctuation, but that's just me. *Smile* Otherwise, I can't find any major faults with it. Thanks for sharing this information with the members of WDC. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Hopes, Dreams & Wishes Auction
"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus"Newbie Welcome Wagon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, Amay . *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: Sam is sitting at his desk filling out a report about a fire at the Todd residence when the chief calls him into his office. He'd read the first report, and wanted Sam to fill in some of the blanks that were missing from the strange story. Sam explained as best as he could, but it still didn't make any sense to either of them about what had happened. *Smile*


Suggestions: *RollEyes*

forms and starting filling
forms, and started filling
This is a series of events, so you need a comma.


house and one strange mirror that didn’t burn down with the rest of the house.
house, and one strange mirror that didn't burn in the fire.
Try not to use the same word so close together. It's best to use a word like 'house' only once in a paragraph. You should try to find some other way to say what you mean.


shook my head and started typing.
shook my head, and started typing.
This is a series of events, so you need a comma before 'and' to help seperate them. The only time you don't use a comma in a series is if you write 'and' in front of every item, action, etc.


This report with the one I wrote last month was going to get me thrown off the force and straight into the loony bin.
This report, along with the one I wrote last month, was going to get me thrown off the force and straight into the loony bin.

back of my head, and headed
back of my head and headed
'And' isn't connecting two complete sentences, so no comma is needed. You can't 'headed toward the end of my career', so it's not a complete sentence.

The chief was at his desk, he looked up from his monitor.
The chief was at his desk (doing what?). He looked up from his monitor (Why?).

I squirmed in my seat, there’s absolutely nothing that matches that going to the principal’s office feeling
I squirmed in my seat. there’s absolutely nothing that matches that 'going to the principal’s office' feeling
When did he sit down?


some kind of hoax,” ...bump had been, “well, sort of.”
some kind of hoax." ... bump had been. "Well, sort of."

His eyes never left mine, he just
His eyes never left mine. He just

He leaned forward,
He leaned forward.
This is an action, not a tag line, so it needs a period.


He doesn’t know why, there
He doesn’t know why. There

The chief stood walked around the edge of his desk and sat down.
The chief stood, walked around the edge of his desk, and sat down.
This is a series of events.


that was kind of scarier than Ida
Who is Ida, and what makes her so scary?

but I made sure it was broken
but I'd made sure it was broken

silent one minute and then it was completely engulfed in flames and you were lying unconscious on the front lawn
silent one minute, and then it was completely engulfed in flames, and you were lying unconscious on the front lawn

He’s really messed up,
He’s really messed up.

“Mrs. Green the witness next door
“Mrs. Green, the witness next door

about domestic violence report and shortly after you arrived she called back about the fire.
about domestic violence report, and, shortly after you arrived, she called back about the fire.
I'm a bit confused. Is Mrs. Green calling to report a case of domestic violence, or is she calling to get a domestic violence report from the police?


dressed up in a Victorian style dress
dressed in a Victorian style dress

Mrs. Green said that didn’t know exactly what happened but the woman’s facial expressions changed completely
She said that she didn’t know exactly what happened, but the woman’s facial expression changed completely
Is 'the woman' whose expression changed Mrs. Todd? You should try to clarify that.


west’ and ran back into the house
west’, and ran back into the house

out of there, “Yes sir, I was
out of there. “Yes sir. I was

“Sit down Sam.”
“Sit down, Sam.”

“Yes sir
“Yes, sir
You use a comma before the name in a direct address to that person.

mirror.Sir, this is where it gets really strange, which is why
mirror. Sir, this is where it gets really strange which is why
There should be a space between 'mirror' and 'sir'.


A scene played out in the mirror. There was Ida.”
What was the scene, and what's it have to do with Ida?

“Whose Ida?”
“Who's Ida?”

Apparently Ida wasn’t faithful
Apparently, Ida wasn’t faithful

and apparently I was part of the play
and, apparently, I was part of the play

I struck Mrs. Todd. She’d begged me to ‘stay’ but, apparently I was playing the part of Ida’s husband.”
I struck Mrs. Todd. She’d begged me to ‘stay’, but, apparently, I was playing the part of Ida’s husband.”
Why did he strike Mrs. Todd, and why would she ask him to stay after he did it? How was Sam playing the part of Ida's husband? I think Sam's tale needs a little work to make it clearer to the reader as to what he saw in the mirror, and what his part in the situation with Mrs. Todd was. Was Sam doing to Mrs. Todd what Ida's husband was doing to her as it happened in the mirror?


The chief walked back around his desk and sat down.
As far as I can tell by going back through the story, the chief was already sitting back down behind his desk, so when did he get back up, and why?

under a microscope and he was
under a microscope, and he was
This is two complete sentences, so they should be separated by a comma.


but sir, the police weren’t
but, sir, the police weren’t

It wasn’t Mrs. Todd though, it was Ida.
How did he know?

admitted that she killed her husband
admitted that she'd killed her husband
Past tense.


The look in her eyes, I knew that I was in big trouble.”
By the look in her eyes, I knew I was in big trouble.”

“No sir,
“No, sir,
Be sure to check through all of the story for these direct addresses.


So you don’t know
So, you don’t know

house was gone and the
house was gone, and the

I walked over my desk and tried to pull up my report. It was gone. I guess the chief must have it pulled up in his office.
If Sam was trying to pull up his report from a computer and couldn't, why would he think that the chief had it pulled up on his? Even if the chief had it pulled up on his computer, Sam still should have been able to access it from his computer at the same time.

I got a cold chill would shoot straight up my spine
a cold chill shot straight up my spine

You've used quite a few adjectives in this story. It's best to try not to use more that 1 per every 300 words. Most of them are unneeded and can be easily deleted. Here's an article that explains more about using them.

Writing Blunders  

It seems like you have a little problem with commas, so here is an article that may be able to help you with the basics.

 
STATIC
So,,,Put A Comma Here,,,Or Not???  (13+)
Learn proper comma placement.
#1624130 by Winnie Kay



Thoughts: This is a pretty good story, but I did have a bit of a hard time getting into it. I found myself confused about the events that went on with the Todd's home. I can understand that the cops may be stumped about what was going on and a little confused, but it should make some sense to the reader. There were several questions that I asked to help clear up a few things, but I felt that it would have been more enjoyable to me as a reader if I could see how all of the pieces fit together. It seemed like Sam's information was just scratching the surface of what happened. It's supposed to be mysterious, but it seemed to lack a bit of what would really capture my attention, and make me wonder about the purpose of the mirror. I pointed out quite a few punctuation issues, but I didn't get all of them, so you'll need to check back through it and fix those as best as you can. I hope you've found my review helpful as you edit this story. As I said, it's a pretty good story, and with a little more work and attention to the small details, I believe it can be a great story. You have most of the story already written, so all you need to do is fine-tune it a bit. *Smile* *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of The Town  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group ...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, A Skylit Chase .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: Marco lives in a town where everyone is required to shovel truck fulls of dirt in order to fill a hole. This has been going on for so long that no one can think of a time when they wasn't trying to fill the hole. One day while Marco is on his short break, he notices that he doesn't hear anyone else. He decides that there must be some kind of meeting, so he goes to the Admin Hall, and, sure enough, everyone is there waiting to hear a speaker. The meeting had been called because Towncorp, who owned the town, were going to execute one of the people because he found out the truth and was telling anyone who would listen. More shots were fired after the execution, and after the events, it seems the town got what it wanted. *Smile*

Suggestions:

as well have been invisible, because
as well have been invisible because
A comma doesn't go in front of a subordinating conjunction such as 'because'.


“Today is different though,”
Today is different though,
It's easier for the reader to understand that this is a thought if you put it in italics instead of using quotation marks.


scattered about Town that
scattered about town that
'Town' shouldn't be capitalized unless it is the actual name of the town.


He had a sinister grin on his face that was accentuated by his sinister features.
In this sentence you've used 'sinister' twice. Try to watch out for using the same word more than once in a paragraph.

looks at these anymore.” He said, accidentally out loud.
looks at these anymore,” he said, accidentally out loud.
When you use a tag such as he/she said, yelled, etc. you use a comma unless the speech ends with an exclamation point or question mark. You may also want to think about the wording in your tag. It just doesn't sound right.


to make sure no one was watching.
to make sure no one was listening.
They couldn't hear him if they were just watching.


“I really need to watch what I say out loud” he
I really need to watch what I say out loud, he

and times were his ears seemed
and times that his ears seemed

While he was thinking all of this through his legs
While he was thinking all of this through, his legs

Admin Hall
You should spell this out completely when it's at least the first time you use it.

arms crossed lost in thought
arms crossed, lost in thought
This is part of a series of events, so you need a comma between each one unless you separate them with 'and'.


that was a lie, the mayor hadn’t left his home in 5 years, it was doubtful he had any sort of obligations, besides
that was a lie. The mayor hadn't left his home in 5 years, and it was doubtful he had any sort of obligations besides

if it were the case, would have only taken a minute or so and
if that were the case, would have only taken a minute or so, and

regular schedule, the mayor
regular schedule. The mayor

Yesterday, there was
Yesterday there was

The spokesperson said, with a hint
The spokesperson said with a hint

Because once it is filled we will
Because once it is filled, we will

of our humanity and there will no
of our humanity, and there will no

A cheer erupted from the crowd, the promise
A cheer erupted from the crowd. The promise

Now I know you all would not
Now, I know you all would not

reaction of the crowd it was apparent
reaction of the crowd, it was apparent

bound his hands and feet and a heavy cloth
bound his hands and feet, and a heavy cloth

intensely strained and sweat
intensely strained, and sweat

Ah right, I seem to have
Ah, right, I seem to have

really the crazy ones and you know
really the crazy ones, and you know

The crowd roared, the Spokesperson
The crowd roared. The Spokesperson

crowd was busy laughing no one seemed
crowd was busy laughing, no one seemed

challenged him further he spoke up again,
challenged him further, he spoke up again.

into the trucks the hole never gets filled?
into the trucks, the hole never gets filled?

fired into the crowd and people began
fired into the crowd, and people began

scrambling every which direction
scrambling in every direction

around the city, blasting a personal
around the city blasting a personal

challenge the way things work”
challenge the way things work.”

that was inescapable, the type that is
that is inescapable. The type that is

Once again, the Town won out, and by the next day, things were back to normal.
Once again the Town won out, and by the next day things were back to normal.

I noticed that you use a lot of adverbs in this story. You should really try to cut back on using them as much as possible. It's suggested that you only use one per 300 words, but when it comes to publishing, it's best to stay below that. Most of them can just be deleted without any problem, but some you may need to rework the sentence to get rid of them. I have an article that I think may explain about using them better than I can, and I'd like to share it with you.

Writing Blunders  

As you can see from my long list of suggestions, I found quite a few comma mistakes as I read through this story. I'm not sure if you have a problem knowing when to, and when not to use a comma because you'd do it wrong in one place, and right in others. If you have a good grasp on them, be sure to go back through your writing to make sure at least the ones you know are correct. There's a lot of rules for commas, but here is a link that can provide you with a little help if you need it. There is also a class offered through New Horizons Academy on the site called Comma Sense that deals just with the rules of comma usage.

Comma Rules  

You may want to add a rating to this story so that it will be easier to find in searches. On another note, you may want to add something to your bio block in your port. A lot of reviewers like to know a little bit about the writer before they review them, and sometimes when they don't see any info about the writer, they move on to someone else. It doesn't have to be long or personal. Just a bit of something to give them a feel for who you are. *Smile*

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story very much. It was entertaining and unique. At first I thought it might be like a movie I'd watched, but I soon found it going in a completely different direction. You've done a good job telling this story, and I liked your main character, Marco. The flow was very good except in a couple of places, and the ending was a bit of a surprise. I didn't expect for the meeting to go that way, but I guess that there was really no other way for it to end. *Smile* I'm glad I got a chance to read it and offer you a review. I hope you'll find at least a bit of it helpful. Best of luck with your future writings, and I hope I get the chance to drop by your port once again. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Lucky At Cards  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, TomVee . *Reading*

The story: Some cowboys are setting around a table playing card when one accuses another player of cheating. *Smile*


Thoughts: I don't think I've enjoyed reading anything so much in a long time as I did this. I absolutely loved the style you used to tell the story. It seemed so real to what I'd expect from this kind of western writing. I couldn't help but laugh at some of the comments the narrator made about the man who'd accused him of cheating. I don't want to give anything away, but the part about his eye almost sent me into a fit of giggles. That was just wrong on so many levels. *Laugh* It's a really good story, and I hope to see a few more like it in the future. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
20
20
Review of Ink Blot  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Amay . *Reading*

The story: Janet has returned home and is dropped off by her driver. She finds a couple of mysterious cards with arrows that eventually lead to her husband's easel with a painting on it. To her eyes it looked like an inkblot, but as she studied it closer, another vision came to mind. When her husband found her, she learned it was something else. *Smile*

Suggestions:

I’m scheduled to be backing here at 7 am.
I'm scheduled to be back here at seven a.m.

Do you want me to come later? Or, I can pick up something for you to eat and some coffee, before I come back.”
Do you want me to come later, or can I pick up something for you to eat and some coffee before I come back?"

Janet said, “I’ll be fine.” She sighed,
"I'll be fine," she sighed.

May I take your bags in?
May I take your bags in?"

looked inside, it was blank.
looked inside. It was blank.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: This was a nice, little read, but I found myself a little confused when I got to the end. In the beginning I thought she was away from home because the driver offered to bring her food and coffee before he left. After reading to the end, it seems that she was returning home to her family and home. My question is why would the driver be offering to bring her something from her own house especially since she was expected by her family, and they would have more than likely anticipated her needs? I liked the bit of humor at the end, and think it would be well worth looking into these areas to see if you feel they can be improved upon. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
21
21
Review of How I Became Sum1  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Same Ol' Sum1 . *Reading*

The essay: In this essay we learn how Sum1 has chosen his name for Writing.Com. He tells the story of how he first used a similar name on another site and shortened it. The name seems to have developed into more meaning to him now as he points out that he is just another someone in the world, no more special or different than anyone else. He also mentions that he's named his siblings around this same idea. *Smile*

Thoughts: It's pretty interesting to learn how various people around the site have chosen their unique names, and I enjoyed this look into how you chose yours. I like the meaning that you've given to your name, because it can serve to remind us all that we are someone no matter what or who may tell us different. I feel so sorry for your sister having to be known as No1 though, but I guess there just wasn't that many more choices available. *Laugh* This was a fun little read, and I enjoyed getting the chance to learn more about you. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
22
22
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Kathleen . *Reading*

The story: This is the story of "Hootch" Anthony Kalich. His wife died and through a series of unfortunate events, he found himself homeless. Because he was a gentle and caring man, he was adopted by a group of other homeless people. He found ways to help his new family by finding extra materials to help them repair their own homes. One year at Christmas he discovered a discarded teddy bear and decided that the poor children should have a good Christmas, so he searched for other discarded toys to repair for them. When Christmas arrived, he dressed himself as much like Santa as he could to give out the gifts, and thanks to caring people, the family had a good Christmas. *Smile*


Thoughts: This is a very touching and inspirational story that I enjoyed reading. Despite all that "Hootch" had been through, he was still able to reach out and find a way to give to those less fortunate than himself. It's not hard to imagine that there are angels just like this living and walking among us every day. Homeless people most of the time have been labeled as so many bad things that people often forget that there are a lot of them that have been forced into that way of life despite their best efforts not to. This story shows that not all of them are bad and that they can still care about other people even when they have nothing to give. Thank you for writing this story, and I hope that everyone who reads it will see that being homeless doesn't make you any less of an important person to someone else, and no matter how small, you can make a positive difference in someone else's life. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
23
23
Review of Ludia's Shortcut  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, very thankful . *Reading*

The story: This is a diary entry by a little fairy girl named Ludia Webster. She's seven years old and is on her way to a party for her class. He parents have forbid her to take an old road that's a shortcut from her house to the school, but she doesn't want to be late for the party, so she takes it anyway. As she's thinking about the rough condition of the road, she is met by an old woman who isn't very nice. She informs the young girl that she used to own the town along with the child's father, but this doesn't upset Ludia in the least. She's heard of this woman, and stands her ground during the confrontation. *Smile*


Thoughts: This is a nice little short story, and I like that you've told it through a diary entry. I didn't find any major fault with it, but for me, I would have liked to have seen a little description of the old woman to give me a glimpse into what the creature looked like. I know Ludia would know exactly what this person was and who they were on sight, but I needed just a bit more. I like the attitude that you've given this little fairy as she faced down this creature. She was strong and brave instead of timid and scared, and this made her a good character to me. Thank you for writing this and giving me a chance to read it. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
24
24
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group ...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, J.M.Wallace .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: Laura is very proud of winning first place in the church bake off, and is on her way home with her cake. She has a horrible scare when she thinks that she may have ran over a squirrel. It scares her to the point that she pees on herself. As she's thinking unchristian thoughts about other people, she has an accident, but this time she isn't as bothered by it as the squirrel episode. *Smile*

Suggestions: *RollEyes*

I'd like to make a suggestion about your description of this story. This is what most people read before they decide to review a story, so it needs to catch their attention. I think it just needs a little kink or two taken out so it reads more like 'A woman unable to see who she really is may just get her just desert.'

Laura Crimmon smiled reliving the ribbon ceremony at the church bake off.
This sentence is a little off, and it kept nagging at me. There should be a comma between 'smiled' and 'reliving', but you may want to consider rewriting it for clarity. Maybe something like 'smiled as she relived the'.

Now, that was a good honest man
'Now, that is a good honest man'. Since this is a thought, you can put it in italics to show it's an internal thought, and you wouldn't have to write 'she thought to herself'. Internal thoughts don't need to be in past tense unless the thought is about something in the past. I don't think the pastor is dead, so it should be in the present tense.

Laura narrowed her small grey eyes.
Why? Is it because of her neighbors, or the thought of having Sister Evelyn over for dinner? It seems like she's doing it because she really doesn't like Sister Evelyn, and the thought upsets her. I don't think this is what you mean, but it needs to be clarified a bit.

She clicked the the ends of her short
Just a typo. You have 'the' written twice.

manicured nails. Laura frowned, that just reminded her of Patricia
'manicured nails and frowned. It reminded her of Patricia.' The way you have it written, it seems like Laura frowning reminded her of Patricia.

I got a bit confused when she is talking about Patricia rubbing it in her face that she was the event planner. It seems like Laura lost out to Patricia, but then it moves on to Laura being determined that Patricia won't get it because of her vote. There's a conflict going on in this part of the paragraph.

She actually told her later that she had been concerned the project was too much to take on as a first project, but that she had been wrong.
I feel like you should add the instructors and Laura's names in her because it can be confusing as to who said what to whom. You should also try not to use the same word more than once close together, especially in the same paragraph. Try to find another word to use for 'project' in one of these places. Try switching this sentence around a bit to help smooth it out. Maybe something like 'told her later that she had been wrong to be concerned about it being too much for a first project.'

the tiny body, she breathed a sigh of relief.
For clarity, you may want to write 'the tiny body. She breathed...'

Oh, thank you Jesus she prayed
"Oh, thank you, Jesus," she prayed.

pumped through her body and now that the need of it had passed
pumped through her body, and now that the need of it had passed.

Her face burned hot and the sensation spread from her cheeks down her neck and across her shoulders realizing where the smell was coming from.
Her faced burned hot, and the sensation spread from her cheeks, down her neck, and across her shoulders as she realized where the smell was coming from.

Shame swept over her at having peed herself and she fought back
Shame swept over her at having peed herself, and she fought back

She hated getting older and asked God not for the first time
She hated getting older and asked God, not for the first time,

to get a signal from her stupid phone and now here she sat
to get a signal from her stupid phone, and now here she sat
I've seen this mistake quite a few times already. When you have two complete sentences joined by 'for', 'and', 'nor', 'but', 'or', 'yet', 'so', a comma goes before that word unless 'that' follows 'so', or is understood to follow it.
Example: I want to go to the market so (that) I'll have food to eat.


be late to pick up Joey and Mrs. Krutcher charged her
be late to pick up Joey, and Mrs. Krutcher charged her

Rob Turner into her pants and every time, he would go running
Rob Turner into her pants, and, every time, he would go running

smarter than her she could tell.
smarter than her, she could tell

she would have to start walking, Mrs. Krutchers’ had to be
she would have to start walking. Mrs. Krutcher's had to be

stewing in her own pee and it was starting
stewing in her own pee, and it was starting

She needed to take her mind off her wet clothes and reached for the radio
She needed to take her mind off her wet clothes, so she reached for the radio

Pastor Evans sermon
Pastor Evans' sermon

pass for miles and in her present mood, if there was a squirrel in the road, it was just going to die by God.
pass for miles, and, in her present mood, if there was a squirrel in the road, it was just going to die, by God!

change the station swerving slightly to the right
change the station, swerving slightly to the right

taste the salty metallic blood
taste the salty, metallic blood

Thank god for that
Thank God for that

Pieces of moist, dark, cake
Pieces of moist, dark cake

from the top of her head down her body and to her feet
from the top of her head, down her body, and to her feet

In the open palm of her broken and bloodied left hand
When and how did she break her hand?

You use a lot of adverbs (Words ending in -ly) throughout your story and they should be removed. Publishers recommend that you use only one per every 300 words, but they prefer that you use as few as possible. Some of these can be removed without any problem, but there are places where you'll need to rearrange some of the sentences.

Another thing that caught my eye and distracted me from the story was when you used the same words two and three time in a paragraph. Try to avoid doing that. You should try to find another word to use instead.

I thought that things like 'had not', 'can not', and the other non contracted words worked well when we were reading the story from Laura's perspective. It seemed to give her that proper appearance, and it fit her well. I think that where Jenny is concerned, you may want to consider changing those to contractions to help bring out some of her personality. She's just a simple person, so I don't see her using 'could not', 'can not', etc.

After going through your story, I'm not completely sure if you have a problem with punctuation, or you just didn't get a chance to give it a good edit since there are places where you got it right, but then you seemed to miss it in other places. If it's a problem area for you, there is a great class offered through New Horizons called Comma Sense that can help you. The next term will be in the winter if you're interested.

I have a few links that I want to share with you that may help you with some aspects of your writing. I've found that you can't have too many helpful aids when it comes to writing.

Writing Blunders  


Comma Rules  

 
STATIC
Creating Motion in Fiction  (13+)
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
#1357824 by Joy

"Invalid Item

New Horizons Course Catalog (Just in case you want to check out what they have so you'll know what they offer if you decide to take a course in the winter term)
"New Horizons Academy Course Catalog



Thoughts: This is an enjoyable story. I liked the contradictions between Laura's beliefs and actions. This reminds me of a lot of people I know. I was curious as to why you introduced Jenny and focused on her life so much, but by the end, I saw why. It was a surprising and conflicting ending because the reader is led to believe one thing, and we learn another. We see the type of person Laura is, and I wasn't surprised by how she was portrayed, but the ending showed exactly who she was, and the unexpected side of her respect for humanity. You did a good job writing this story despite all of the suggestions I made. They are technical and don't affect the skill you have as a writer. I hope that you find some of my review helpful, and if not, it's your story to edit as you see fit. I enjoyed this story very much, and wish you the best with all your future stories. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Invalid Item"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
25
25
Review of The Night Crawler  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Vivian . *Reading*

The story: Trisha is enjoying the late evening air that's blowing in from the Pacific. She'd daydreaming about the caves that cover the cliff-front a few miles away. She focused her imagination on the rumors that Japanese soldiers were still hiding in them. She was snatched from her peaceful meditation by an arm forcing her body into her unseen assailant. He forced her into her house and tied her up. She was forced to watch as he piled the table full of food. Once the table was piled high, he took her into the bathroom and shut the door. Moments later she heard a door slam and went to investigate. All of the food was gone from the table when she entered the kitchen. She made her way to the door and locked it. As he rested against it, a knock came from the other side. *Smile*

Suggestions:

I just have one thing that I wanted to bring to your attention. I noticed that you use some of the same words over and over within the same paragraph, and closely together. It's best to try to avoid that. It can be very distracting to the reader. Try to find another way to express the objects that you're trying to show the reader.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I'm always up for a good horror story, so when I saw this in your port I had to give it a read. You have a very nice writing style, and everything seems to flow well from one event to the next. You've paid very close attention to the details of what was happening, and showed them very well to the reader. I can only imagine how much of an impact her discovery that the rumors were true will have on her life. Thank you for an enjoyable read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
145 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 6 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/missy0201