Using "old man" in the first few sentences seems redundant. Try to find another term to describe him.
When you introduce the old man's name, "Peter," it is almost a shock...you need to introduce it a little earlier in the story or wait until 2 paragraphs down when he introduces himself to the child.
Close your quote in the 19th paragraph.
The ending is a surprise - and the surprise is needed for it to make sense. Otherwise, this exceeds a 9-year old's ability for cynicism.
This is an interesting work. It kept me reading.
Thanks for allowing me to raid your port!
One of my favorite lines is, "I can feel the love rolling down my face." That is a powerful poetic statement. As the poem goes on, it loses its strength and becomes more contrived. It has great potential and is a very enjoyable read....just needs to find the strength that the first couple of lines promises.
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