This is quite descriptive. I can imagine that rage would be like that... the building up until letting go.
This poem is written sparingly... no extra words. Quite a feat to say so much in so few words. It is understandable, contains no errors (that I saw) in spelling, grammar, or punctuation, and is quite expressive.
keep writing!
Reviewing with Attitude!
Joy in the Journey!
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LOL! So cute! I really enjoyed this short little read... and now I want pie... coconut cream or chocolate meringue!
This was 120 seconds well spent for it brings a smile to the reader's face - and brings back good memories of... what else? PIE!! Don't hesitate to write these little diddies... they are fun for the reader and I'm sure it was for the writer.
Keep writing!
Nita
Tears coursed down my cheeks as I read this. It hit very close to home.
What a beautiful and meaningful definition.
My favorite line(s):
It kills as it lives.
How very true... it is a parasite that saps our strength, our sense of well-being, and our feelings of self-worth.
There are many other favorite lines in this piece, but that one seemed to hit hardest.
My least favorite line(s):
There were no least favorite.
You wrote this well. It seems to come from a heart that has known loneliness... and recognized by the same.
This was an interesting read. You have a lot of good detail and an interesting story. A little work needs to be done on formatting it into a story that shows, not tells.
Dialogue is good and flows well in the story.
There are some areas that need a little work. I have shown them below:
“The stream, of course, wasn’t “real”, it…” Use a colon instead of a comma.
“the water was recirculated over and over again,” The word recirculated already means over and over… redundant.
“but at the pool at the end there…” Perhaps, “at the end of the pool there…”
“a really efficient atomic reactor” an extremely efficient… may sound more mature. Really efficient sounds a juvenile.
“one thing New Paris did have was the best bars and restaurants” Perhaps, “New Paris did have the best bars and restaurants…”
“effectively immediately” should read “effective immediately”
”and stream and Kaiser was short of manpower” remove the conjunction. Use either a semi-colon or a period.
“and wine and both were really” another conjunction
“svine who root” Should this be “swine” or are you conveying an accent?
“hand-shapped red” This should be hand-shaped…
"Pepe's second did bring over the…” Pepe’s second brought… might read more smoothly.
Please remember that your work is your baby...only change what you feel needs to be changed. I hope you found something worthwhile in this review. If not, discard it.
Joy in the Journey!
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Beginning:
This story has a good beginning with only a few problems. "Smoothed off" doesn't tell me much. Does this mean that problems are "smoothed out?"
Characters:
The characters are not described in a way that gives any feeling for them or for their project.
Structure:
Essy should be explained better as an achronym for Earth Space Station (ESS, affectionately known as Essy) would give the reader better background. This story is a "told" story, not an action story. The reader didn't get the feeling at all of being there. The reader is told that a Lunar Tan Sunscreen is built... but is not not shown as it was being built. Because it is told rather than shown, there is not a clear beginning, middle end as the reader would have if they were a part of the story.
Dialogue:
The story is short on dialogue. There are places where dialogue would make the story come alive rather than just telling a story.
Settings/Descriptions:
Although futuristic, '17 doesn't tell me much about the year. It is very clear even from the series name that the stories are set on the moon but this story lacks good descriptions of the people and place as a stand-alone story. I realize that descriptions are in other stories as a part of your series, but giving a little bit more would also make this a good stand-alone.
Manuscript Presentation:
The manuscript was unreadable as is... It is in 7pt font. I had to copy it into a Word document and enlarge the font to read it. Space between paragraphs is good. There were a few things that need correcting. Misspelled word - transfered (transferred) in the 2nd paragraph. Further down, tons is misspelled.
OTHER COMMENTS:
With some rewrite, this story could come alive to the reader. If, at some point, you do a rewrite on it, I would love to reread and rerate it. I have read other work that you have done that is much more descriptive and exciting. I look forward to seeing this one as you continue working on it.
I hope you found something worthwhile in this review. If not, discard it.
Joy in the Journey!
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What a lovely poem. This poem gives wonderful imagery of a walk in the woods. I can smell the scents of molded oak leaves and the evergreen blended with it. I can see and hear the brook gurgling by. I like your analogy of the laughter of the brook. Realizing that nature is a gift of God is so evident in this poem. Being a Southerner, I have to wonder if the North has anything so wonderful.
Beginning:
The beginning of the story is good and promises excitement. The reader is interested from the first sentence.
Characters:
The characters are believable and only a few which would be right in this situation. The characters don't have time to develop enough for a real like or dislike of them.
Structure:
The story builds from the first paragraph through the action of the story and to the ending. Somewhere in between it loses something in the amount of emotion, (fear) that the astronaut might feel when he thinks he may be cut off from the rover. I know they are trained professionals, but the reader looks for a little more of a heart pumping experience here and doesn't get it.
Dialogue:
The amount of dialogue fits well with the story. Dialogue is not flowery or rambling but brief and to the point as I would think conversation would be in that environment.
Settings/Descriptions:
From the opening paragraph, the reader is aware that the setting is on the moon. Descriptions are good and the reader can see the story in action.
Manuscript Presentation:
This is a very short story that reads well and flows smoothly from the opening through the closing sentence. The appearance is appealing since it has short, easily read paragraphs with white space in between. Nice presentation. No misspellings, grammatically correct... good job.
OTHER COMMENTS:
2nd paragraph - I would use the article "an" instead of "a" before the word "interesting" and remove the words, "we had."
3rd paragraph, the word "just" is used twice very close together and detracts from what is being said. 5th paragraph, after the last "Mark" I think I would use a question mark since he is wondering what is going on at this point. The 9th paragraph perhaps would read more smoothly with the word, "were" inserted before rough. Third sentence from the bottom, Is the word "mark" spoken about a broad jump that Mark made, or is this the distance of the jump? It's confusing there.
I must admit, your former employment leaves me feeling a little like, "how dare you, Nita" to find anything wrong at all. So,
remember that your work is your baby...only change what you feel needs to be changed. I hope you found something worthwhile in this review. If not, discard it.
Joy in the Journey!
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I'm a Virginian! This is historically correct and was a pleasure (refresher course) to read! Thank you for writing this wodnerful poem that depicts the early years of our nation and Virginian.
The red and blue on the white background lets the reader know right away that we are reading a patriiotic piece and does not detract from the poem.
My favorite line(s): the whole poem!
My least favorite line(s): there was no least favorite.
This was recommended to me by someone who knows I'm a Virginian. I will have to check out your port now!
Thank you!
Nita
Reading the Poem:
The central purpose of this poem is to encourage to reader to give reason to their life. It accomplishes this well in each stanza which gives a reason for living.
Story:
The "story" told within the lines of this poem uses the rainbow of colors to tell why someone should have a reason to live. It is well done.
Emotional Appeal:
There is a certain amount of emotional appeal, poignancy, to this poem. It is thought provoking and causes the reader to self-assess whether we are taking full advantage of living.
Tight Writing:
Lots of articles, (a, an, the) are used but do not detract from the story of the poem.
Fresh language:
The freshness of this is more in the manner of using the rainbow to depect life's passions. Very intersting!
Imagery:
This poem causes the reader to experience many of life's simple pleasures through the use of the colors of the rainbow. Interpreting life through rainbow colors is an interesting concept.
Sound:
I read a poem 3 times, 1st for the feel of it, then for the nuances that are given within the poem that cause the emotions to be touched, and the third reading is aloud to feel the flow on my tongue. This poem has a good feel to it and the emotions are touched by the thought that there are those who don't want to live for whom this poem might present just the right feel to them to find joy in living. The 3rd read, for flow, finds that there are places that are forced to make rhyme which slows down the rhythm of the poem. It has an uneven flow which isn't always comfortable on the tongue. There are places that can be restructured to get a better flow (2nd verse, 4th & 5th line... adding "so" to the last line might make a smoother flow...ie, "Her love forces you to feel 'so' alive."
Structure:
This poem tells a story of finding purpose in life within the confines of 7 verses. The verses have different line lengths and different patterns for rhyme but you make it work. Using the font color to match the rainbow color being talked about is a good visual concept that adds to the appeal of the poem.
OTHER COMMENTS:
I really like this poem. I plan to save it in my favorites to read when I'm down and to share with others who may need to be uplifted. You have done a great job of sharing your poetic skill with the reader! Thank you for this wonderful piece!
Please keep the comments that you feel are helpful and discard anything you think is not... this is still your baby.
Reviewing with Attitude!
Joy in the Journey!
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This is an interesting piece and very funny. (I thought I had reviewed it before.) I have to admit, it's the stuff that giggles are made of! It reminds me of news reports that I hear and the sensational way that stories are depicted by the people who report the news. Keep on writing!
This entire folder is full of such a wonderful tribute to our military. Thank you so much for caring enough.
Every day our military personnel make sacrifices that the regular U.S. citizen will never understand or never be called upon to make. I am very thankful that they choose to give up so much so that we can remain free.
Hats off to you for putting together this folder, Lee!
Nita
Poetry Critique Reading the Poem:
The poet appears to be viewing two lovers and watching their love grow and progress...until the last two lines, then the poet is a part of the poem.
Story:
It is an interesting story in rhyme of love growing through the years and then finally parting in death. There is a wistfulness about the last verse, a desire to see the lover one more time.
Emotional Appeal:
Thisis a very sentimental poem that makes you think of long term relationships and true love in those relationships.
Tight Writing:
There are a few words that can be removed to tighten up the poem without harming the integrity of it, i.e., articles, a, and, the
Fresh language:
There are a few cliche's, (love conquers all, twilight days) but they seem to fit in the wholeness of the poem.
Imagery:
I like the image of seeing the lovers through the mist. It gives a veiled image, dreamy to the reader.
Sound:
The poem flows well. The only place that seems to be forced for rhyme's sake is "He has his loving wife" in order to rhyme with life.
Structure:
Second and 4th lines rhyme in each verse. The lines are of varied length throughout the poem but never too long.
OTHER COMMENTS:
I really liked this poem. My favorite line(s):
The mist that rises 'cross the lake
Brings back sweet memory.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been a pleasure!
Nita
Reviewing with Attitude!
Joy in the Journey!
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My favorite line(s):
I will give my heart without question
I will tend to your every desire.
All I ask of you is to love me
As a moth loves the flames of a fire.
Sounds so much like some of the loves we have in our lives... the moth to the flame kind of love. Not good for us... but brings a feeling of warmth at the moment, until the wings are burned.
My least favorite line(s):
Will you say "Please be forever mine",
'Til my roses are wilted and dead?
I had to laugh at these lines... forever until my roses are wilted and dead. Sounds like Hollywood forevers.
FLOW: This reads a little bit choppy at times. It doesn't have a smooth flow and the wording sometimes seems to be forced to make it rhyme.
All in all, this is a fun read.
Keep writing.
Nita
I love this! I hate the low ratings - one time I had someone tear my poem apart and rewrite it according to how they thought it should be written... it is the same poem with which i won 6th in the Virginia Writers 2-tier contest. We just have to remember that ratings are subjective. I find it hard to rate dark work because I don't like it particularly. I much prefer sunshine, rainbows, and roses to vampires and ghouls. I refrain from rating those unless I really feel the need then I refuse to rate under a 3 because I know they may be at least average.
My favorite line(s):
So when you get a low, low rate
Don't worry any longer.
If it doesn't really kill you,
It will surely make you stronger.
My least favorite line(s):
The 2 point 5 you gave me's still
my worst mark for reviewing.
This line sounds like you are rated for doing the reviewing rather than receiving a review.
This is really a great poem though.
Thanks for the advice in verse!
Keep writing!
Nita
What a beautiful and sad poem. I think it might serve you better to not try to rhyme since this reads more like prose. If you want to keep it in poetry form, you need to shorten the lines and tighten the writing by getting rid of words that are not needed.
You was only trying to show me (was should be were)
This is a very personal story. Thank you for sharing it.
Nita
Poetry Critique Reading the Poem:
This poem depicts a time in the poet's history that is poignant to her (and to this reader).
Story:
The story told is of the poet's ability to sew as a teenager and the joy she had in the finished product.
Emotional Appeal:
This is a poem of memories, not just for the poet, but for some readers. It's a poem that made me smile.
Tight Writing:
The poem is written tightly without useless words.
Fresh language:
Actually, the freshness of the language comes in words that have not been heard in a while... frock, alas, espy.
Imagery:
There is a lot of joy in this poem. I can see a lovely young woman walking jauntily down the street, proud of her creation - and the shoes that match it. The girl is confident and saucy as she makes her way through town.
Sound:
The poem has a pleasant sound since it flows smoothly and the rhyme is gentle, not forced.
Structure:
This poem consists of 4 line rhyming stanzas. There is a progression to the story that is being told in verse so thare is a definite beginning, middle, and end.
OTHER COMMENTS:
This was a joyful poem. It reminded me of my high school days when I made money tailoring suits and making dresses for the neighbors while other girls were babysitting. Due to time constraints, I no longer sew but somtimes miss it. Thank you for bringing back this memory!
Reviewing with Attitude!
Joy in the Journey!
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How very sad and poignant. Alzheimers is such a thieving disease... it takes the memories of the past, the experiences of the present, and the hope of the future. You have expressed this so well and the hurt that is experienced by the people who have to watch the progression of the disease and the loss of the beloved person.
I wouldn't change a thing about this. You have said it well.
Nita
Poetry Critique Sheet Reading the Poem:
The writer is the girl in the mirror and yet, the reader becomes the girl in the mirror. She sees herself as flawed each time she looks in the mirror no matter where that mirror might be. The flaws follow her because mirrors are everywhere.
Story:
This told a very interesting story that most girls, and even women experience...that feeling that they are not quite good enough or not quite ever what we want to be, thin enough, pretty enough, young enough, old enough... There are times that most of us are just not happy with ourselves and this poem reflects that discontentment very well.
Emotional Appeal:
This poem touched my heart, for I too have been that "girl" in the mirror although I am long past being a girl. I felt for the writer and I felt for the reader.
Tight Writing:
Lines are short and to the point. There is no "over-writing" to state what you are trying to say. In 20 lines you say what many of us feel.
Fresh language:
Scrutinized and analyzed are good words here, for the constancy of the mirror shows a continuous amount of scrutinizing and analyzing.
Imagery:
I could see "the girl in the mirror" looking at herself and wishing for something different.
Sound:
This flows well with a minimal amount of wording.
Structure:
Written as one verse, it flows well from beginning to end. The only problem that I saw was that I think you are asking a question:
Who is this girl, distorted and unpure
She is scrutinized daily,
Taken apart
Analyzed.
Pehaps a question mark would serve you better here.
OTHER COMMENTS:
I really enjoyed this poem of itrospection.
Keep writing!
Nita
Poetry Critique Sheet Reading the Poem:
The central purpose of the poem is to let the reader know what is really important in life and to follow that lifestyle. The purpose is achieved by explaining all the things that have gone wrong in his world but how the old fishing hole and his dog named Bud were really all he needed. The tone of this poem is humorous from the opening line which is a little bit of a shock.
Story:
This poem tells a wonderful story. It is easy to read and easy to understand.
Emotional Appeal:
The emotion invoked in this piece is humor! What a lovely way to tell of your appreciation for your dog and your hobby.
Tight Writing:
This was well written...no superfluous wording.
Fresh language:
I think the first line is really fresh. :) It gave me quite a start as an opening line. But it catches the attention.
Imagery:
It was easy to see you heading off to the old fishing hole in disgust with Bud trotting along.
Sound:
This is an easy read. It flows well with no tripping up on words.
Structure:
The repeated lines bring focus to the appeal of the old fishing hole and to having a friend like Bud with you. Line length is good throughout the poem.
OTHER COMMENTS:
This was such a fun read! I truly enjoyed this. Please, keep writing things like this... it tickles the funny bone!
Nita
I loved this! Since I didn't scroll down, I didn't know until the very last verse that Gus is a dog. How cute. :)
Poetry Critique Reading the Poem:
The writer has penned a very funny Christmas verse about her friend, Gus. The purpose of the poem is to share the difficulty Gus had in retrieving his Christmas card from the postal authorities. This purpose is accomplished by telling the story of how Gus came to be getting a card at the post office.
Story:
The story told within this poem is very endearing. I thought that Gus was upset at not getting his card. I was surprised to learn he is a dog.
Emotional Appeal:
Had Gus been a child, this piece could not been any more charming.
Tight Writing:
This is a well written piece that tells an entire story in a few verses.
Fresh language:
I was not familiar with the word fossicked. After going to my on-line dictionary, I found it is primarily an Australian term meaning: to hunt; seek; ferret out.
Imagery:
I "thought" I was able to see the trip to the post office... as a 12 year old child would go, and was surprised when Gus turned out to be a dog. I could just see him happily trotting away, card in his mouth, tail wagging. Excellent!
Sound:
The poem has a very good flow and reads easily. I read once silently and then again aloud to get the feel of the poem on my tongue. It had a very good, easy, free flow to it.
Structure:
The poem is a story in verse. The lines are not too long to lose the essence of the story or the flow.
OTHER COMMENTS:
I truly enjoyed this. I started out reading it with the intent of just reading for pleasure... not rating and reviewing it, but I was enchanted! What a wonderful poem.
Keep Writing! This piece is so enjoyable that I'm passing it on to other friends!
Nita
I like what you are saying here but you need to work on your presentation. Leave white space! Change paragraphs with the change of speakers. Make certain that you put quotes around spoken words.
Make certain that there are no grammatical, punctuation, or spelling errors. Use Word to write in if need be and then post it here. Then it has been through the spell check process. Just remember that spell check doesn't catch them all.
Go back and reread this. Make changes that you know need to be changed. Remember to give descriptions, i.e, what does the demon look like, sound like?
Read good work... it will help you to recognize and write good work.
Keep writing!
Nita
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Reviewing with Attitude! 
Beginning: 
Characters: 
Structure: 
Dialogue: 
Settings/Descriptions: 
Manuscript Presentation: 
OTHER COMMENTS: 