I saw this in the newsletter and was intrigued by the opening line. This Scares the living poop out of me! Now I have to go through life looking at the "invisible" people, afraid of what they may be or do by night.
You have done an excellent job at this. It is most certainly a frightening story. The reader keeps hoping that Lily will somehow be able to overcome and get away throughout the story. This character's inner man is described well. There is no need for a physical description of him...his invisibility assures that. The plot builds to a gruesome finale that the reader hopes will change before the story ends, and yet the ending is relevant to the rest of the story.
(I am returning the 150 GPs with this...it was a pleasure to read.)
Nita
Nathan, my heart felt such sadness as I read this letter. You see, my son is in Iraq. He hates calling home... and that explained why to me. One time he said that IM was easier on him...so we IM.
You have done a good job of explaining the life of a soldier in a way that is easily understandable. Since it is a letter home, and a very personal one, the attributes of story-telling don't really apply.
Did I enjoy reading this? It was difficult...but I read every word.
Did I understand what the writer was trying to convey? Yes I did... and it will make me more understanding of my son.
I found nothing wrong with this piece.... grammar, spelling... ok
It was written in such a way as to make you feel that you were being told something very personal.
Thank you for sharing this... and may God bless you.
Freedom truly isn't free.
Nita
Reading the Poem:
The central purpose of the poem is a reminder that those at home never have their loved ones far from their minds and their hearts. The ones who wait live with the fears and knowlege of what "could" happen. You accomplish the purpose of this poem beautifully.
Story:
You do a good job of "showing" with this poem...giving instances that prove what those back home go through in such a way as to bring images to mind.
Emotional Appeal:
Catching the universal through the particular?
Sentimental (borrowing emotion)?
Tight Writing:
This piece is well written...giving many instances but not wasting too many words.
Fresh language:
I found the language enjoyable. I didn't get bogged down in it.
Imagery:
I saw myself packing care packages for my son... I saw myself in this poem as well as a lot of other parents around the world...ideology has no bounds when it comes to love for our children/husband/wife/mom or dad. Fear is fear... love is love.
Sound:
The right word? The wrong word? Congruency of sound and sense?
Meter? Rhyme? Internal Rhyme? Alliteration, etc?
Structure:
Basically, your line length is even which helps with the flow of the poem. You have good rhythm.
OTHER COMMENTS:
I enjoyed this tremendously. Thank you for allowing me to read it. I hope your loved one is back SAFELY at home now.
Keep Writing!
Nita
Characters:
Joe and Rebecca are both very strong characters. It was easy to relate to both of them.
Structure:
The beginning is very strong and builds throughout the story. The ending is excellent. I must admit to using the tissues. :)
Dialogue:
The dialogue sounds very natural...the way people speak with each other. The dialogue between Joe and Rebecca is very touching, just the way children and daddys relate.
Settings/Descriptions:
Descriptions are strong providing very good imagery.
Manuscript Presentation:
I saw no problems with grammar, punctuation, etc.
OTHER COMMENTS:
This is one of the best stories I've read in a while. I truly enjoyed it. It is believable and easy to make you relate.
Thank you so much for allowing me such a pleasant read.
Nita
What a sweet story, and so reminiscent of the Great Depression. The victory of the Great Depression was stories like this one...human nature at its best.
I am reviewing you today because as I looked back at my emails (I have saved all reviews), you were the very first person to review me and to welcome me to WDC. I don't know if I ever returned the favor since I felt like such a novice when I first started here... August 12, 2007 - your review date. :)
I have truly enjoyed WDC and meeting many kind hearted people who are also excellent writers. I have learned a great deal here and met many wonderful friends.
I know you stated that Bush supporters should stay out... but I am a poet. I review poetry, not ideology. Sooo, here goes:
Reading the Poem:
The speaker in this poem is the author of the poem. The central purpose is to convey their displeasure with the current president (for a couple more days) and to convevy that the author felt there was a greater good that could have been achieved but that GW didn't do so. This message was achieved quite eloquently.
The mood of the poem is displeasure, and a lack of respect. That disrepect is easily seen and felt throughout the poem.
Story:
The poem told an interesting story. It is straightforward in its wording but has a tendency to tell us of being disgrundled rather than giving imagery that shows us.
Emotional Appeal:
I think this poem could easily appeal to those who are already disgrundled. I also think that it could anger the hotheaded and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the writer has not already received negative reviews. That is not my purpose.
Tight Writing:
I feel that you said very well what you wanted to say in short lines with very readable wording.
Fresh language:
I liked the way your rhyme flowed with words that didn't seem to be forced into place at all. You did a great job in making this a very readable piece.
The only place that you lack is in showing us rather than telling us.
Sound:
I liked the rhythm and flow. It has almost a sing-song quality without the repetition that would make it easy to sing along. :)
Structure:
Line length is good. It is not overwhelming to read and you don't get lost in the wording. I do think you could break it up so that the reader doesn't feel that they are in a race to the finish.
I am a Republican and a Bush supporter. I have a son serving under this Commander-in-Chief so politically, we are on opposite polls. I hope that you take what I have written as critique of your poem and not of your politics.
Keep writing...I can see why you are a Rising Star.
Nita
I love this so much. The ending finally fits the rest of it. I assume the bolded words are the prompts? This reflects a mother's love so well. No woman (even an adoptive mother) ever forgets the moment that she first gazed on that tiny little face. It is the most amazing experience and you have written it well.
The third verse is my favorite because it sounds like how I felt - the completeness that was there when I finally held that little body in my arms and knew that he was mine. You said it so well.
There is nothing to dislike about this poem. It is the story in verse of the love that you had when you held Reese for the first time. It makes me sad for the mothers who never felt the wonder because of circumstances in their lives, or the women who have wanted but never had that experience. You don't have to give birth to know the wonder.
Reese is lucky to live with such love... any child is.
Keep writing Aralls... you are such a natural.
Nita
This was hilarious. I'm sitting here, drinking coffee out of my shoe and laughing so hard! Ok, it's out of my cup, but it was so funny how you finally tied that opening into the ending. The very funniest line was: "The worst, I think, was when he got into the laundry and chewed holes in everybody's underwear. And to think, Kenny, my other brother, got blamed for that. "
It is early and it's nice to start the day off with a smile... a laugh.
As I read this, I had the the thought, this is real. And I knew it because I lived in a household with 5 other siblings...and some of the things that happened were so funny. Also, our house had a crawl space and I can remember numerous things happening in that crawlspace...animals always found their way into it even though it had a door on it. I can see Teddie down there scratching right under the bedroom. :) We had a dog howling in ours one night...middle of the night
Thank you for writing this. It was a pure pleasure to read.
Nita
"Your silent drama drove deeper inside my intrigued heart
And it beat more rapidly, though I hid (in silence)"
These lines seem a little dramatic to say "it's snowing." :)
"Of the refreshing, youthfulness of you" is one of my favorite lines. I never thought of fresh snow that way.
Thanks for allowing me to read your work.
What a precious poem. I had a feeling that the ending was going to be the death of the father, but not that this was a dream. I got caught up in the telling of this story in verse. It is (or has been) the life of many young people and I could see it happening.
My favorite line(s):
I was riding with my Father, all the towns people could see.
We pulled onto the Main Street; I was proud as I could be.
This verse shows such pride in being the child of this man.
My least favorite line(s):
There was no least favorite.
I loved this entire poem. The rhyme and rhythm are really good. It flows so well over the tongue as it is being read that you feel as though it is a conversation.
What a wonderful tribute to the brave Americans who not only defended their plane, but defended our nation on that fateful day. I doubt that there is one patriotic soul who heard that battle cry whose heart didn't well up within and be thankful for the willingness to risk their lives knowing that they were most likely going to die that day. They are as much heroes as the men and women who go into battle wearing our countries uniforms.
I found nothing wrong with this poem. The rollcall at the end of the poem only punctuates the reality of their sacrifice.
As a mother of a soldier, this touched my heart to the depths of it. Tears flow as I read it. I will thank my mom today for giving me her faith and her strength and I will try to remember that I passed it on to my son.
Thank you so much!
nita
What a great story! I am truly enjoying my trek through your port. I found only a few minor problems...mostly having to do with punctuation.
A Questionof (Space between question and of)
shorty (capitalize a name)
The M16 was notouiously (notoriously)
Unfortunately, it didn't work (period after work)
focussed (focused)
your'e in trouble. (you're)
"GRENADE!", I yelled, (get rid of the comma)
You are an amazing writer. Thank you for posting here and allowing us to read and review.
Nita
I love the first verse.
The second verse has a young sound to it... juvenile.
I like the ending...
You do get the feeling of spinning in a circle as you read it... that's good to give that illusion in words.
The ending, "Stop," is perfect. Just like the ballerina.
Thank you for allowing me to read your port!
Nita
I like the idea of this poem. I think you have done a good job of depicting the excitement of a child. The rhymes are not free flowing ... forced at times.
It also doesn't ring true that mom would give permission at 4 a.m. if she is not up to see the excitment and it doesn't sound like she is.
This is a cute poem...it just needs more of your special touch.
I cried as I read this.
Hasn't everyone experienced every line written here?
Or is it only me?
You have done a magnificent job of putting feelings into prose.
I liked every word and line of this.
The only thing I might change is presentation... how it looks on the page.
Jim had told me you were a really good writer...he was right!
Nita
I will never forget Dawn. She was a lovely lady who loved to write and share her writing. When I came to WDC she mentored me. There could not have been a better mentor anywhere.
During the mornings, we bonded over tea and coffee and shared stories of our children...her two little ones and my son in Iraq. She wrote to me every day and encouraged me when I was fearful.
Jade was not afraid to speak the truth but always did it in love. I loved her as a newfound sister. I will never forget her. The loss is great.
Nita
This is wonderful...very poignant in light of the fate that awaited the soldiers. You have quite a grasp of American history...or at least this portion of it.
I found it easy to read and yet it held a little of the formality of written words of that era.
How did the writing make you feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
My brother was 17 when he went to Vietnam... This was a very painful piece to read.
Can you relate to the writing through a personal experience?
When my brother returned to the US, he also was met by the protesters...he never quite got over that.
Did the plot interest you? Were the characters believable?
I had heard stories of men like Doc. Men who gave themselves over completely to war. I could not put this story down; from beginning to end it had my attention.
Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
You either experienced this yourself, or you have done amazing research.
What did you like most? What did you like least? Did anything stand out?
The horrors of war are brought out explicitly. It is a work that I will not soon forget.
Is there anything you would change within the writing?
I wouldn't change anything about this piece.
If this were your own writing, what would you want to know from a reviewer?
I would want to know that the piece touched someone deep inside...and you did that.
I lost my brother in March. He never had a full night's sleep free of nightmares after he left Viet Nam. Many nights he cried out for the children. He came home unable to live back in this world and lived most of his life on the street. He had a family who loved him...but he couldn't handle it. He died in March of liver failure from the drugs and alcohol that he had become addicted to while in Viet Nam.
I cried when I read this story. It is the story of so many of our Viet Nam veterans.
Thank you for sharing it.
Nita
First Thoughts:
My first thought was that this is a good stand alone short story.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling:
I didn't read for edit, but didn't see any glaring problems with punctuation or grammar.
Imagery:
I was able to "see" the story in my mind. Good Imagery.
Emotional Content:
I see excitement in the wording, the punctuation, but don't feel it as I read. I thought you did a good job with dialogue and punctuating it.
Additional Comments/Suggestions:
Skipping a line between paragraphs will make it a more readable piece.
Overall Impression:
I d idn't feel that Zack was in charachter when he killed Sam. It felt different from the rest of the story. You could expand it here by showing Zack's feelings. Perhaps even giving him his own chapter before another chapter where the actual killing takes place.
Thanks for letting me read this. You have worked hard on it and after you edit...and edit again...I think you have a good piece of juvenile literature.
Nita
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