This is such an amazing story. I think the term we hear regarding situations like this is, "Man's inhumanity to man." How very sad for a child to have to experience such harshness. Here are my corrections:
Remove periods from sentences that are already punctuated with question marks or exclamation points.
"...this, in fact he felt it was a criminal act." - should be: ...this; in fact, he felt.... " a semi-colon and then a colon after fact.
" “Dr. Hogue, what are you doing here, I didn't call you.” should read: ".... doing here? I didn't call you."
"“I know Mrs. McKay, now you must listen to me." This should read, "I know, Mrs. Mckay. Now, you must listen to me."
"...where your daughter is.” said Dr. Hogue breathless as if he had been running." -- "...where your daughter is," said Dr. Hogue, breathless, as if he had been running."
"So much so they were willing to possibly let Lynn die if it would keep it a secret.” Might sound better as, "...to keep their secret."
“But won't they know you are coming to get me doctor?” should read, "...coming to get me, doctor?" (comma after me)
his 1953 Blue Chevy. blue (lower case)
"...how badly hurt she is.” said Dr. Hogue reads more smoothely as, "...how badly she is hurt," said Dr. Hogue (comma after hurt)
...the girl's home --- girls' home
...depending on you.” whispered Dr. Hogue. Comma after you
'Does this woman not understand what is going on, why doesn't she hurry?' I would italicize this as a thought instead of single quotes.
Ah Dr. Hogue, you have returned, you are always welcome. ---Semi-colon after returned.
Dr. Hogue did not leave Gale to answer, ---- Dr. Hogue quickly before Gale could.
...mouth pressed together in a grim state, ---in a grim line (this is more easily seen as a mind picture than grim state)
afraid you will have to-----” the sister ---3 dots (instead of dashes) is the accepted substitute for words that trail off.
Is that what you want, for I have nothing --- Is that what you want? I have nothing...
"...doing so.” said Gale --- doing so, said Gayle (comma instead of period)
"...Mrs. McKay.” said the sister --- comma after McKay
Please Mrs. McKay.” said Mother Superior Please Mrs. McKay," (comma) said Mother Superior. (period)
"...have such a person.” replied Gale. --- comma after person
...plus she seemed to be one of those persons who, once she made her mind up, her decision could read her face without a word. --- comma after persons also. And the last part should read more smoothly. (possibly, "could be read on her face without her saying a word."
“I see Mrs. McKay. comma after see
...take care of her would that -- ... take care of her, would that
said the nun (forgot your period)
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