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Review Requests: ON
337 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I am pretty easy going. I don't want to bash your poem. I look for rhythm, color, formatting, form, meter, style, imagery. I look, I listen. I appreciate. For more go to my Poetry Review Forum #1399834 or find it in the Review Forum List.
I'm good at...
Encouragement, helping you when you need it. Suggesting better words or lines, and challenging you to do better and not settle for boring words, lines or writing crap.
Favorite Genres
Poetry - all types but especially free verse.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- 4 5 6 7 ... Next
51
51
Review of Plea to God  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
I so much needed to read your humble, inspiring Plea To God, Judy. It has made my morning much brighter, and my soul more filled with joy and hopefulness. Ah...to be humble before the Lord, asking His foregiveness, to plea for His mercy, and to SEE outside oneself to fully show gratitude for simple gifts - that is difficult for us ego-centered human beings.

Such a personal, touching, display of honesty you have given readers. A silent prayer, no longer private - but exposed for the world to hear. This is fine writing, brief, each word evoking mood, tone, and the writer's voice. I hear a poetic voice as I read this - strong, truthful, clear.

"I am learning to love you more, to obey you more,
To appreciate you more."

Quite moving for the reader - "to love you more, Lord, to obey you more, to appreciate you more...."

Inspirational, spiritual, digging deep into one's inner self, shining humility (action so few are willing to admit or display).

I will practice humility on this Sunday, the day the Lord has made for His children to rest and to honor HE, the Father, the One who delights when we come to Him lost, repentful, asking His mercy. Surely Our Father is kind and merciful.

Plea To God is a wonderful piece of writing. I am glad the Lord pointed me to your port, and showed me how I might better serve Him, through prayer, gratitude, and acions of humility.

Thanks for the reading, Judy. Very inspiring!!

Nancy




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52
52
Review of Powerless Power  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Eros,

Well, as far as your request for a title change, that might be a good idea. I would title the poem, "The Tree" since that is the subject matter. I don't think I would use a byline description stating you don't have a clue what the poem is about. It's about a tree. Or the branch of a tree. The subject matter is fine, however, you have mechanical problems with the line formatting, the varied rhyming words which are inconsistant, and also the vaied length of each stanza.
I think it is all fixable, you just need to go back and read the poem out-loud, and you'll hear where you need to add a few lines, or cut some words from longer lines.

Yhe beginning is fine...I would write it a little differently:

Tree stood swaying in the wind,
The branches readied their wood to bend.
A branch stood out from the grove
Wind reached the highest point to hold,
And branch could not escape it's fate,
The sweeping of the winds sweeping rape.

That is a suggestio only.

You will have to work on the folowing stanzas by yourself, and taketimeto reflect the resdriptionwho would use in describinghow the wind affected the tree.

All inall, it's a good beginning, but it needs re-writing....keepthe good, throw out the lame garbage rhyme you kind ofstuck in there.


KEEP WRORKING ON THIS!

Nancy




 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
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#1399834 by njames51


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53
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)

tk - This is a much better piece than the other. It has a nice flow to it, and presents a more concise piece. I think your rhyming sequence is good, and I truly love the subject of the piece. There are issues with your punctuation. You have periods where there should be commas.....as a thought continues into the next line.

But overall, I think you've done a good job here. I would just be careful with how you form your lines, example "So come now my heart to me" is an awkward phrasing. Just be aware of how you formulate your lines, so your reader can follow you. Also be aware of where you place Capitalization, and how you use common punctuation in your poems.

Overall you did a good job.



 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
Come in for a free review! If you need help, just ask. A cup of tea is free!
#1399834 by njames51


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Review of Might have Been  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hello TK......this is an interesting poem. I'm not particularly wild about the title (but tha's just me). Overall I feel the message you are trying to convey, and some of the lines are nicely drawn, yet there is choppiness to some of the piece. The first stanza is quite nicely done. The flow is nice. The second stanza has awkwardness to it. Does "wonder think?" I don't get that. And the next line is awkward also. I think you can work on those lines. The third stanza is nicely done. However, one typo "to" should be "too". And I like the line "people move like scattered leaves". Third stanza is fine except for the last line....."of things might be said" you need to put "that" or "which" prior to the word "might". The next stanza is fine. The next stanza is fine also. The last stanza I would put .....might have been in quotation marks..."might have been". And cut the word "this" before "life's journey". You don't need that word.

But altogether, I think this is a good beginning, with some work needing to be done in your next draft. Remember, re-writing is not a bad thing, it is usually the ONLY thing. Re-work, re-write. Read the piece out loud, and you'll hear the choppy parts to the piece - that will help you make the adjustments needed.

KEEP WRITING!

NANCY



 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
Come in for a free review! If you need help, just ask. A cup of tea is free!
#1399834 by njames51


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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Maria, I enjoyed reading your piece. I thought it was quite beautiful, actually. The imagery was wonderful. And you followed the abab format. I didn't do syllable counting, but read it as any reader would. Favorite lines:

"trunk, branches awesome,
fern-like leaves are amidst
fair winsome blossoms,
homestead for birds... insects"

I think you did a good job with this, I'm sure KAT will analyze the mechanics more thoroughly - but, I thought it was lovely.

KEEP WRITING!!!

Nancy



 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
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#1399834 by njames51


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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Jack....how ya doing? I needed some rest time, so had Judy do some reviews.

I can certainly get the theme of thispiece. AND I dfo agree with alot of it. First, I suggest you devied the ppoem into stanzas, wih a dregular soace betreewn them. It;s easier on the read, and the ehyme ppattern is more evident. So the first stanza will be the first 4 lines.....then hi enter a couple of times, and take the next four lines and put them there. A would continue on this way.

The other issue is the change in the rhyming format...your begine wih abab....then switch to aa bb............you should decide which mechanics to use,,,,,ryme every other kind ot rhmye every two line

The third stanza...""Watch on t.v. shoud be those next four line. This will be stanza 6.


The other problem is the rhyme sequences: first you use abab, then you switch to aabb./ Shoud you decide which is it? are you going to make two ajoing sentences ?

anyway, the rhyme sneaks in on the reader delicacately.

This is all mechanis and easily fixable. I love the anger, paassion, love the goverment get their share of driticism. Hell, the keep giving themselves pay raises
while the rest of us slobs haven'y't a cluie.

Thanks for allowing me to readyour poem.

BE WELL! KEEP WRITING!!!

Nancy njames51

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Review of A Miracle  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Judy. I really enjoyed reading this piece. I have a problem with the first two paragraphs, unfortunately.

I would cut all of this:

" am waiting for a miracle.

Do I want a parting of the Red Sea?
Do I want God to talk to me through the Burning Bush?
Do I want to hit a rock and have water come out of it?

I am not a Moses - I am Judy.
Does that mean I can not wait for a miracle?
What is a miracle anyway?"

I would title this "A MIRACLE" and then begin with the folllowing stanza:

"
I wake up in the morning.
My eyes have opened,
taking in the beautiful sun.
I cry because it is so beautiful.
It is radiating heat and exuding warmth,
making me feel all bright and cuddly,
safe and sound."


I would use ALL the rest of what you've weritten........and also the veery laast line, because THAT tells the reader those experiences you've described to them are the miracles.

Good lines:

"
I hear the birds chirping,
singing melodious songs to me,
flocking to my window
for their daily dose of bread.

I look out the window and start talking to my little friends,
assuring them they will get their daily feed."


These are descriptive, simple. yet have meaning, and show the reader that these small moments are to be cheerished- THEY ARE MIRACLES.

Your are no waiting for a miracle - God's doesn't part the RedSeas everyday.......HIS miracles are the moments when we look up and see the Sun setting, and we go "WOW....how cool is that!" God's just gave us a miracle to remind us of his love, How he paints sunsets, and how HE will bring us a new day, if we have faith.

Do some editing, and it'll polish and itghten up the piece.

Nancy



 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
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#1399834 by njames51

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Review by njames51
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
WELCOME SARIAH

This piece is spot-on in describing the life experience that few are able to explain; and the world has, for decades, ignored. Your descriptions are specific, intense and honest. You have hung yourself out there in this piece. This is personal, this is YOU; and there is risk in revealing so much. But, I applaud you for doing this. You are not alone. There are many on this site who understand EXACTLY what you are saying. My career as a Social Worker helps me identify and acknowledge the scenes, emotions, and reactions you've described here. And I have also stood in that spot, as depression or anxiety took their toll. I love the phrase "SNAP OUT OF IT". That made me giggle. How many times have I heard that from MY family.

You have a good grasp of language, and your phrasing is clear and rich. You show intensity. You have structured this piece well. The reader is able to be in your head with you, as well as relating to the reaction of family.

Many good lines here:


You don't know about my racing thoughts,
How sleep is so far out of reach,
How some days I just want to not wake up,
Then have to endure this again.
I scratch my frustration, up and down my arms,
Emotions spilling out in my blood,
Leaving scars of my torment, my frustration.
I cry and cry, without knowing why


This is excellent writing, and I encourage you to KEEP WRITING, about anything and everything - whether people can relate or not. Your honesty and willingness to 'put it all out there" is reason enough for you to stand tall, to be who you are. At least YOU have the guts to put it all on paper. The rest of us wackos in the world just hide out.

GOOD JOB!!!



 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
Come in for a free review! If you need help, just ask. A cup of tea is free!
#1399834 by njames51

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Review by njames51
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Oh my goodness, this is wonderful! It reminds me so much of being back in Maine, by the beach, in the summer.This is breathtaking to read, with images so richly inviting, detailed, alive - the reader is drawn to the scene and wants to stay. The rhyming breaks are perfectly placed, and sweetly lift off the tongue. What a marvelous scene, story, memory.

Favorite lines:

white flowers in a coffee mug,
two lovers in an embrace,
slender volumes of verse
on a windowsill,
promising an eternity of simple joys
to souls with private pains.


I so much enjoyed reading this. It is PERFECTION!






 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
Come in for a free review! If you need help, just ask. A cup of tea is free!
#1399834 by njames51


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Review of Suffer  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)

I HAD to go over to your port and read some more of your writing.

Again, honest, brutal, from the gut. Love the beginning line -

"You know, out of everything, I feel the guilt the most."

WOW, beautiful phrasing, very open, aware, philisophical. You look at yourself, you see inside yourself, you admit, ponder, gain insight......

Again, the final line is perfect - absolutely!

You have a natural talent for phrasing, a natural instinct of WHERE to place your lines. You are a shining example of "less is more". Sooooo many writers drag on and on as if they need space filled.

Your work is succient, brief, bare......raw......your reader comes away feeling, FEELING........and that is how talent in writing is exemplified or evidenced by -
Did my reader leave with a feeling? A reaction?

Yet, you don't mean to produce that reaction........you're just writing to get something out of yourself.

Loved this piece. Why do you say your poetry is your weakest piece of writing? I can only imagine what your short stories deliver.

Your poems deliver in every way.

Good job again! KEEP ON WRITING!

 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
Come in for a free review! If you need help, just ask. A cup of tea is free!
#1399834 by njames51


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61
Review of Unrequited Love  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Judy!

Nicely done, yet I am intrigued by the back story:

"You have mended all the open wounds
That have been inflicted on me through my difficult life."

First you describe loving someone, yet they don't love YOU as much. And that hurts! We've been there, all of us. I wish you could describe "hurt" as it affects you, now......descriptive phrases help a reader to emphatize (to say 'I undertsand, exactly").

And the lines mentioned above re: wounds inflicted, a traumatic life....etc.

You may not be comfortable giving specifics, yet, again.......descriptive lines about HOW it felt to be wounded - open wounds are raw, prey to the sunlight, to any remark or look from another. Again, your reader will identify with the sensation, the rawness, the anxiety, the fear that surrounds our wounds.

I know what I felt, I still get the shivers, never wanting to venture down that dark road. I choose not to remember the pain (or perhaps...pain subsides as we grow older).

You understand what I'm saying?

In the last line, take out the word "so".......to yearn is a powerful emotional craving. It is a strong word on it's own.

I believe you are beginning and exploring and learning. I also suggest you sign up for the Poetry Newsletter which comes to you each week. (Go up to SITE TOOLS on the left and in there you will see NEWSLETTERS). They are free, and cover many types of writing. The Poetry Newsletter is awesome, and offers new ways to view, to feel, to construct, to challenge our writing.

Overall, you've done well. I just want more.

KEEP WRITING!


 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
Come in for a free review! If you need help, just ask. A cup of tea is free!
#1399834 by njames51



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Review of Garden of Tears  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hello Renflower,

Nicely done, I'm not thrilled with the title, it seems quite common to me. The poem itself is nicely formatted, flows quite easily. I wasn't happy with the last line until I read back and realized your intent for the last line. I like the fact that you cut "filler "words, which many poets stick in there to use up space. Each word you use appears to have meaning to it's placement in the line. I read the piece slowly and enjoyed reading it this way. It would read nicely aloud.

My favorite lines:

A garden of hope has sprung
From ashes of the past.
Take your pick from many
This garden knows no bounds


"from ashes of the past, take your pick from many" is a wonderful, eye opening set of lines. I, personally stopped and thought of that, due to family members who has recently passed, and also because I have tended lately to think of my past, they are ashes, they are memories; but it's true I can take my pick from many.

Those are nicely placed reflective lines.

Altogether a job well done, nicely formatted, by a poet who ponders before they write, who feels before they put ink to a page, who uses a uniformity of subject to draw a reader in.

Good work. KEEP WRITING!!


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Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hellooooo Mark,

Well, the reader certainly knows your opinion, you've expressed yourself wih specifics, unlike many who rant through generalities. This is a good thing. If one is to take a view of current events, let there be passion and a part of the writer's soul in those views. You've certainly achieved that.

I think you hav done a good job. My only quibble is the seeemingly lack of punctuation folllowing most of the lines/thoughts. This is confusing for the reader. Let the comma be your friend, lest the lines appear to be run-on sentences. That is easily fixed, but definately needed.

I think the last stanza is quite powerful, and as such, should be the final words of the piece. I would delete the last sentence pertaining to Vietnam (even if it is hard for you). That sentence leaves the piece seeemingly disjointed.

This stanza, however, is moving and finishes the piece in a polished way:

"you do not comprehend the irony,
as though you were not warned
that a planted seed grows
in any direction
towards sunlight"

I love those lines, and the whole idea of "irony" and "it's not like you weren't warned" is very powerful. Therefore I would make this stanza the final words to the piece. Very nice.

The other issue I have is with tense. You tend to move from future tense to past tense, to present tense. It doesn't really affect the reading, but, do me a favor...and go over each line and make sure you have some consistancy in tense throughout the piece.

Again, these are minor quibbles, but, remember, a work can ALWAYS be polished up, words changed, lines re-formatted, "filler" words cut out. Your job as a writer is to use the "less is more" principle. Say what you mean in the least amount of words. Language is a writer's tool to capture a reader, and make him WANT to stay throughout he whole piece.

Despite some glitches, I think you've done a good job here. KEEP ON WRITING!!


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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)

Helloooo Opiner! Welcome!

Interesting style of words, as well as interesting line format and presentation. I sincerely like the theme of the piece; but, in honesty, I believe the theme takes a back seat to the "cuteness" (the concentration on forcing rhyme, or placing witty sing-songy style rhyming) within many of the lines.

I suppose this seems critical, yet, you ARE a fine writer: you obviously show a fine grasp of language, and even your "forced" rhyme at times, is much superior to others who lean on simplistic rhyme: i.e. blue-flew; high-sky etc.

I think many words can be cut, as they honestly affect the rhythm of many lines; therefore overpowering what should be a simplistic journey -from Point A (the beginning word in a line) to Point B (the final word of each line).

For example: these lines:


"Things seem quiet just before the storm…
and that is because nature is trying to conform.

Deception in our time has every form…
with the most popular being the supersized for maximum harm."


In my opinion (and it is only MY reading of the lines) - these lines caould be shortened, and would deliver much more impact/humor.

My re-write would be as follows:

"Things seem quiet before the storm,
Nature tries with fever to conform"

"Deception is our history's norm
Is "Supersizing" now reborn?"

These are just examples. All I did was focus on the POINT needed to be expressed in each line. (these are YOUR points, and are good points/observations to be made).
The route to getting to the POINT was through cutting, cutting, cutting excess, confusing, UNNEEDED verbage. (including this phrase: "and that is because" and this phrase: "with the most popular being"). These two phrases jumble up, or put rocks on the road to the POINTS you are trying to make.

Short is better - poets/writers HATE to cut words or even long phrases - it's like being denied your place in the Sun. BUT, you want to capture the reader's attention right away, else they'll wander off and read a magazine or go mow the lawn.

Go back, watch out for trite rhyming cliche words, CUT absolutely all words which jumble the message.....and, in doing that, you'll begin to feel the rhythm, the timing, the melody inherent in the lines. The syllable count will sing easily off the reader's tongue; and the path from POINT A to POINT B will be shorter, yet filled with more drama, more humor.....and leave the reader with the "ah, ha" moment when they think of your cleverness in using language to force them to think (and to remember).

KEEP WRITING!!

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65
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Review of Funeral March  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
Helo newbie......thanks for letting me read this piece.
You have talent as a writer, I would most sincerely take the energy and discipline to refine your work, and to practice, practice, practice.

This poem is not bad; and it's not great. I feel it to be quite short in length. The parts that stuck out to me, were phrases that appear to be (not cliches'); yet phrases/wods which we have read before.

Phrases such as: "devoid of all emotion,

only an empty shell, a black void"

Unfortunately hese words have been overused by thousands of folks attempting to describe their experiences/feelings when faced with this particular sad event. "Devoid of emotion" is used very often.........."only an empty shell" is also written as a descriptive for many folks.............."A black void" - again used and overused.

Sometimes we can use "easy" words when describing image, emotion, reaction.........to many real life events. I would like you to write the "common" words/phrases - AND then go back and ask yourself "what other language can I use to reflect/say the same thing. What does "an empty shell" mean? What does a "black void" really mean within YOUR experience?

It's tough to grasp for a different phrase/another word.......or even to make comparisions so the reader might understand the depth of YOUR emptyness - a comparision or analogy of the term "black void". I know intellectually what that means - BUT I want to understand FROM YOUR PRESPECTIVE how this blackness affects you, eats you up inside. When I have, unfortunately, lost family memebers, and made to endure decisions, to LIVE a funeral second by second..I found it not only surreal - but a dream, a finality, somehow a reflection of my own realistic appointment with God. For me, it was near blinding in it's truth: I am not young.....death will be my reality. That scared me so much...,.and it also scarred me in ways I continue to ponder, fear, avoid.

Understand my feeble suggestion? You CAN write - it's really a matter of grabbing deeply, and facing what, we humans, don't want to face, or feel,....avoidance is easy.

Language is your brush, the page, a canvas, your gut.....your claim to humanity.

KEEP WRITING!! I look forward to reading more.

Nancy

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Review by njames51
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Angel Army!

I was lucky enough to receive reviews from you wonderful folks, and I have been invited to join by:

Sherry B.

Please allow me to join this great group. I have been on this site for almost two years, and have a Poetry Review Forum that has been extending reviews since I joined this site. I have never charged for a review, and feel I have especially encouraged new members/new poets to KEEP WRITING! Please check out my forum.

I love this page, your format, but especially your emphasis on SHARING, ENCOURAGING, and EXTENDING FRIENDSHIP to all on the writing.com site.

Thanks for all you do, and please allow me to join. Thanks to Sherry B. for her reviews AND for her invitation!

Nancy


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Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

A poem to read late in the evening, (it is almost 3:00 a.m. here), one to be read slowly, as each stanza pulls me off balance. Is it sad? I find much joy here, a compilation of diversion, memory, questions asked, images, visuals, flavors in words...language that pulls me, helps me giggle. I truly wish I had crossed paths with this Valentine's Boy.

"Talk about him"

"He might have sent for me.
So air-mail him the best."

"I could lie in the shadows with a pen,
or pick out a thousand tricks
from behind a big paper moon,"

"Dreaming him up all over again,
I love to think of his living twice,"


I love all these lines...."air-mail him the best" - what a curious yet perfect line.

"I love to think of his living twice"..........this line was a surprise, yet such a simple, logical thought.

My own sister passed away a few months ago, but it never crossed my mind to dream she could live twice.....marvelous lines, not the expected "grief" or "death, sorrow filled" poem.

EVERYONE should read this piece, it is such a tribute, and never maudlin or screaming - never angry nor bitter.

It just IS. A wonderful piece of writing.



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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hay Ya there............Jack...........so glad I read your poem, it is sweet, interesting, and was smooth, and covered a great subject, the need for serenity, and the process or methods of achieveing that calm, quiet part of or souls.

Very nice............KEEP WRITING!

Nancy

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Review of Bethlehem  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)
Elliot,
Beautiful poem........really emotional and speaking to the heart of the suffering, trauma of life and the burdens of living, faith tested, a glimmer of hope for the human race.

Very inspiring and a fine piece of writing.

Glad to be in contact with you again. A fine writer you are, my friend.

Have a Year of calm and unespected blessings!

Nice job!

Nancy


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Merry Holidays!
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Review of Shooting Star  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jack,
Happy Holidays. I like this short poem. It captures emotion. I enjoyed the laststanza the best and also the final line.

Reviewers might nit-pick about certain things, but I tend to feel the overall emotion an empathize with the
feelings of the writer, who takes pain and captures it in someform of writing. It could be longer, but it seemed the right lenght for you to say what you needed, and how you feel.

KEEP WRITING

Nancy


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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Momsson,

A beautiful poem, nicely dedicated to your Mother. My only suggestion is punctuation at the end of lines, so the reader has a compass of where lines begin and end.
And take notice of your use of Capitalizations which don't need to be there. Go over the piece slowly, read it out loud, and you'll see where some confusdion comes in, where line breaks and punctuation needs to be inserted.

otherwise, I really enjoyed this.

Happy Holidays...KEEP WRITING! You have talent!

Nancy


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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)

Howdy - sorry this review is so late. I totally enjoyed this, and reading it comes during Christmas, and expresses what I should express more often. God is awesome, forgiving, kind, willing to listen, and always by our side.

Your formatting of the lines was well done, your meter and rhythm were spot on, and especially you generated an emotion from your heart, that the reader can relate with and hopefully makes the reader feel your love and hope for God. This is well done, and I can feel your heart in this.

You have a wonderful style of writing, and your verses are never trite or cliche. You ponder and relate and let your heart form images, and discover emotion that any reader can identify with.

Great job.......KEEP WRITING, you have talent.





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Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked this alot. (I hope you checked out the poetry newsletter his month written by Kansaspoet.
The newsletter was about love poems, and how fitting they still are, though we may moan and groan about reading them.) Your piece was inspiring, line format was good, you included the reader inside the journey and the characters of each of you. And the common phrase: "What did we have in common?" tied each section beautifully. She was a city girl, you a small town boy. The flow of the your differences, who you were, when and how you met, and lovely phrases about her to complete each section, were wonderfully done.
There were a few odd phrases and strange notes: (Her eyes were a blue dark as midnight.)Some of hose threw off the flow, but, who cares.......I surely did enjoy reading this slowly, and recommend others to read it slowly and feel the love I felt hearing a man talk about "What did we have in common?"..........yet still falling in love. And 43 years is a testiment to NOT having things in common, but in surprising each other every day because you ARE different and must surely complement each other. Wonderful ending section:

"When bodies come together there’s a flash.
When souls embrace, the light outshines the sun.
What did we have in common?
Not a single thing.
No. Not a single thing."


Beautiful poem.



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Review of My Runaway  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)

Sorry this review is arriving so late, Sam.

Sam,
I must admit that I only do reviews of poetry. I am not an expert, yet poetry has been a life-long passion - so I felt comfortable helping others and giving them encouragement and praise.

But, I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed this brief glimpse into your life (or the character's life). I'm assuming this is autobiographical. If so, then I applaud you for having the courage and tenacity to plunge head-on into days and months that must be difficult (even now) to process and make peace within yourself about.

My main, pleasant surprise involves two areas:

Your writing is straight on, your language is without cliche, your sentence choices are deliberate, planned and molded in a stuningly good way. You don't haphazardly throw in "filler" sentences replete with "poor me", or just plop sentences or phrases in the story because you feel you need to do so. Every line serves to move the story along, in a way that makes the reader WANTING more. I want to read more. I have a qenuine interest in that seven year old. This line also peaks my interest:

"Inside all of us there is a restlessness, a sense that things should be different somehow. This feeling will not go away, nor will it ever be satisfied. There is just the trying, then after that, the trying again."

I like that you throw in some interpreted, objective bits for the reader to ponder.


The second area is:


Your wit. The natural reaction of a reader is that this is going to be depressing, just down right depressing. You begin with the statement that you first tried to kill yourself at age 7. That makes us gasp with images of the story to come. Yet, you surprise us throughout the piece by making jokes, by laughing at the circumstances, or relating the "joy" of sitting next to a wacko on a bus. You entertain us by detailing the "rules" of your first "hostel or bunk." I couldn't stop from laughing. Your eye is sharp in your descriptives of those around you.....and in general, the witty content of the tale makes us forget that Suicide was attempted, pills were taken for a specific purpose. You are able to joke about that, but underneath, I think the reader becomes invested in YOUR survival (you relate this in the First person).

A wonderful job. Highly recommended. And kudos to you for using your natural writing talent to open the world YOU know, and all YOU have experienced.

Great job........KEEP WRITING!!!





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Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Newbie -I guess you are.

Overal I like the piece, describes one moment in time, visual, articulate, the rhymes don't seem forced. The reader can understand what's happening. A few suggestions about words, cutting word..etx.

First line I'd cut "again.

The first line of the next standza "I sigh through my rancor"....i don't qet get and I'm sure many readers wil stop on that line wondering, whta does "sigh" have to do with "rancor?" Rancor is a brittle, hard word, nd my want to re-think that line.

Altogether, a nice piece.



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