|This is wonderful!
Except the ending......I know, I'm sorry, I know it makes sense, but the last three lines ended with a thunk! For me, entranced by the marvelous curves of lines, spirited language, melodic texture and mood offered here, it was a failing. You captured me, drew me in, and then twisted the painting with humor. It does not fit, and leaves the reader unfulfilled.
You have so many good lines:
Moved in lines traced by magnetic declinations.
taught you to laugh, to breathe
to tread water in the narrows of exclusion.
We scored our wonderful, skipping exits
You gave me carnations and the secrets
to cool art, light sculpture, hard jazz.
These are all wonderful lines.....there are no wasted words in the piece. The impressionism is fine, the colors rich and scattered on canvas. The characters are beautifully drawn. I KNOW these people - I was one of them, almost.
The memories invoked for the reader of their lovely dusty love letters, serve even more to take issue with the awkward easy ending.
As romantics, we want the story to end as beautifully as it began.