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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/njames51/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/5
Review Requests: ON
337 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I am pretty easy going. I don't want to bash your poem. I look for rhythm, color, formatting, form, meter, style, imagery. I look, I listen. I appreciate. For more go to my Poetry Review Forum #1399834 or find it in the Review Forum List.
I'm good at...
Encouragement, helping you when you need it. Suggesting better words or lines, and challenging you to do better and not settle for boring words, lines or writing crap.
Favorite Genres
Poetry - all types but especially free verse.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 7 ... Next
101
101
Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very nice! I love the title of this. "Dreaming in Browns" is such an inviting title. It has such a romantic feel, an the reader is interested. I love the mood and theme of the piece. Using an angel as the subject, and her thoughts to move the piece along, is quite wonderful.

I love the ending. It carries the piece to such an ethereal ending.

Good job! Keep Writing!

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102
102
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Again, very nicely done. I love the melody of this, and the sense of peace and sweetness in the lines. And you've included images which direct the reader to changing emotions within their hearts.

It was the five year anniversary to the day when the grand old ship slammed into the boat.

So you see who she was looking at wasn't meant to be; her son was lost that day while he was at sea.

"Remember mom, I'll always love you, and I'm always with you, I'll never leave you."


I love the "grand old ship" line. Very nice transition in the theme, inviting the heartbreak felt by anyone who has a son.

The only line that seems stilted to me is the beginning line of the piece. "sloped, flower covered grounds" is rather awkwardly read, compared to the fluidity of the rest of the piece. Perhaps it's the word "sloped" that is the hindrance.

But, other than that, this is quite beautiful, and heart-wrenching.

Good job!

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103
103
Review of The Song of Hope  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice! I love Dickenson, and you've made a nice attempt at exploring the theme. The imagery is good, the emotion free-floating, and serene.

There are a few bumps in the rhythm:

3rd line, second stanza.
3rd, 4th line of third stanza.

But other than that, i think you've done a fine job, and I enjoyed reading this!

Nice job! Keep writing!


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104
104
Review of Sadistic Stasis  
Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ah, nice power here....surrounding and wrapping in bitter lines, the emotion the writer feels.

Where only wildflowers grow,
he ponders in confusion with
excuses that don’t make sense,

An interesting beginning....the reader is curious.

not speaking in an honest fashion,
but responding with phrases that grab,

casting stones in misfortune’s lyric,
and anchored in an empty arena,

Bound inside a demented world,

entering my lungs to suffocate the air I breathe,
needling my mind with his words of pestilent poison.

These are all such emotional lines, well crafted and image provoking. The reader gets an image of evilness, and barely escapes the piece without a coating of venom.

Nice job! Nice brevity of words. Nothing is wasted, nothing is filler. The descriptives yield power and mood.

Another fine job, Lexi!


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105
105
Review of Haunted Echoes  
Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ah, very nice! At first this seems to be an ordinary piece talking about love simply, and plainly. One expects a mundane descriptive of emotion. But, to read the lines slowly allows for haunting to build.

I’ve sipped your drink,
tasted the pungent seeds
embedded in your heart,

Very nice word play there....

With love's open wounds
bleeding in my hands,
I've bowed before you with
mercy on my breath.


More haunting lines above..."wounds bleeding in my hands"......"mercy on my breath".....

I’ve been trapped in an uncertainty
that I cannot seem to cleanse.

Excellent final lines. "trapped in uncertainty....I cannot cleanse".

The emotion weaves into the readers mind and leaves questioning at the end. The "once upon a time" contrasts so sharply with love's progression, and the ending confusion of love's experience. Very nice!

Great Job, Lexi!

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106
106
Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This carries a nice feel in it's use of dreams, ocean, sweetness, to convey mood in describing one's love. particular lines are well drafted:

Softly, I swim in the wake of your sweetness,
leaning helplessly toward a lateral landing,

imagining the memories of instances
not too far from my mind’s notions.

I'm not too fond of the "dreams stream" combination in the first stanza, or the "desire's fire" combo in the second stanza.

But that is just being picky on my part, as altogether, I like the way many of the lines and words wrap to create a lanquid melody of images and mood.

I LIKE IT!

Good Job, Lexi!


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107
107
Review of A Father's Love.  
Review by njames51
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ah, this is nicely done. Certainly this is a powerful piece. I love the easy fluid rhythm of the lines. The line structure is perfect, and the meter is true. This could easily have sunk into awkward wording or a grasping at forced rhyme. It could easily have been too calculated or bitter. But, the softness of the tone brings a hightened melancholy to the theme. I love these lines:

Forgive me child, I did not feel,
What your father made so real.
How at night you lay in wait,
Questioned goodness,
Questioned fate.

Forgive me child, I did not see,
What your father did to thee.
How he made you live apart,
Broke your body,
Broke your heart.

Altogether, a nice juxtaposition of melodic verse offering a dark theme.

Wonderful job!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
108
108
Review of Oh Night  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ah, this is so pretty, truly a pleasure to read. Such wonderful meter and rhythm, an easy read, almost a whisper.....

Please add to this a brilliant moon,
With magic that makes lovers croon.
So slow the evening's shroud please fray,
I love to watch it slip away.

The whole piece is melody, and wind, and a caress upon the cheek.

Excellent!
109
109
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ah, very nice job! I've not much else to say about this. I was attracted to the melody of the title, and glad that was the beginning line. I think the line formatting is also very nice, and promotes a generous fluid read. I like this:

of the end of an artist, his last note played,
and soul now freed from frantic races,
then one last touch of string and heart,

And also this:

and barely in texture of paint his shade
visible, leaving his body for places
unknown to me or you,

These lines wrap around the reader in a nice comforting zone, and move the imagery and theme along.

A fine job!

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110
110
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a wonderful piece about a wonderful woman. Sometimes, it is good to explore the lives of those that came before us. We learn why our husband's have the character they have. It's usually because their Mothers are women of honor and strength. I enjoyed this very much, and I'm sure this woman would love to read this piece. Sometimes people don't know how much they affect our lives. Your writing can be a benefit to people in your life, to let them know how much their life has influenced YOUR life.

Keep writing, and sharing these wonderful stories about true living heroes.
111
111
Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Haha....very nice. I remember now I read the "Ode To Everything" a long time ago, and you even included me in that poem. This is a nice follow-up. However, you know you start great and get into the whole "nothing" meaning, and then you kind of wander off into "nothing-nothing." LOL. The whimsical beginning falls apart in the middle and then the rhyming goes to h---. But, that's o.k. I guess, but I'd rather see the whimsical continue and continue to be witty. Nonetheless, an "Ode To Nothing" can't be "Everything" I guess. LMAO


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112
112
Review of The Nerd  
Review by njames51
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Another nice piece of writing. This offers expression and feeling, some nice anger, and a determination. Most of the lines flow well and the words are used sparsely without waste. There is some choppiness in some of the meter, though. The next to last stanza is choppy using the word 'expression' which could be smoothed out some. I love the last stanza:

But all these things don't matter
Because all that you just heard
Is "This guy thinks he writes poetry,
He must be such a nerd."

Altogether a nice piece, and, despite a little roughness, I think this deserves a 5 for the content, and the emotional power.

Well done!

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113
113
Review of Misunderstood  
Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Excellent. Good brevity of lines, and nice emotional expression. These are nice lines:

My soul is searching
Through dark green eyes.
Silent pleas
And muffled cries.

The judging's subtle.
Yet it still exists.
Beneath your eyes
And through the mist.

Again, for someone your age, you have a wonderful feel for rhythm and language, and are able to weave a melody in your verse. Another good job!

KEEP WRITING!

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114
114
Review of Heaven  
Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this alot. You have a nice ability to make language melodic. You seem to be able to hear the whisper of words in a smooth rhythm. That is a gift for a good poet. Again, you need a little word chopping here, to polish this up. A few of your lines are forced and need re-write.

Stanza #1: This is quite beautiful and has nice melody.

What's said is said and done is done
A new step of life has begun

I love that third line. The last line I chopped one word.

Stanza #2: Again, nice melody. Add 'sons' instead of 'son'. It should be plural.

You hear the voices of everyone
Running down to greet their sons
Life’s woes that once had weighed a ton
Are now complete and finally done

The third line is choppy, and needs re-write.

Stanza #3: Again, very nice. Take out 'only' in the last line. You don't need that.

Stanza #4: Again, very nice, except for this: 'Perfection beyond a mortal stun'. This sounds like you were searching for a rhyme, and it doesn't work....it makes the verse choppy, and the reader stumbles. Re-write that line.

But, altogether, a fine job. You have a nice flair for rhyme, and in most cases, the rhymes flow sweetly, and naturally. That's what makes a piece comforting for a reader.

Keep up the good writing!

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115
115
Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ah, this is very nice! Playful, bouncy with some nice rhythm. The message is serious, but hopeful, introspective, yet not depressing. Some of the stanzas need polishing, as the meter goes off in places. There are places where words can be cut, and other spots where adding a word will tighten the rhythm.

Stanza #1: 'Of webs I've spun.' I chopped two words there.

Stanza #2: Take out 'introverted' and replace with something else. 'introverted' is too many syllables and makes the line choppy.

Stanza #3: 'Like flights of birds.' I chopped words here also to improve flow.

Stanza #4: 'Lost in abyss.
Buried under snow.' Again I've chopped some words.

Stanza #5: 'My mind won't let go.' Again, I chopped a little.

Stanza #6:
Faith seems distant.
Future seems bleak.
Why must I hide
The dreams I seek?
Why, oh why
Must I be meek?

I cut a couple of words there also to improve flow.

Stanza #7:

Even in darkness
The sun's going strong.
All my worries
Are finally wrong.
Because I've discovered,
You knew all along.

Here I chopped some words for rhythm and corrected the tense in one line. In the fifth line, I substituted "I've discovered" in place of "You've discovered" I'm not sure what you meant here....but if I'm reading the intent here, then "I'VE discovered, YOU knew all along" makes more sense to me. I may be wrong, though.

So, if you read this again with the changes I made, having really only cut some words out of the piece, you'll see that it reads more melodically. The intent of the poem is still there, but it carries more effectively to the reader.

I think you are a fine writer, and have a promising future ahead of you. This is wonderful writing. Stop by my Poetry Review Forum for more reviews of any new poems you have in the future.

Good Job! KEEP WRITING!

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116
116
Review by njames51
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is funny, and pretty much on target. You must have been reading alot of reviews. You're right, they start a certain way, lead into a generalistic statement, make a few flowery comments, and end with 'Good Job"...blah...blah...blah. Ah, the wonders of reviewing! I guess I'll say you did a good job here, because you did! Nice job! (And I'll take the GP'S)....
117
117
Review by njames51
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I am re-rating this again, since it has been revised.

HAHA...... this is terrific now! The last line of the piece is a riot, now! It's a "laugh out-loud" finish. Perfectly done! The fifth and sixth re-vise is great! It has "pizzazzzzz" now! A nice flourish to it.

But, your revision of the fifth, sixth, and last stanzas makes this thing read in a 'zippity' way, and it floats lyrically. The humor pippity-pops right out at the reader.

EXCELLENT JOB! You should win with this witty piece!
118
118
Review by njames51
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is pretty cute and funny. You have a nice rhythm going in the beginning verses, minus chopping a word here or there. But, the fifth and sixth stanzas read awkwardly to me. Especially the sixth stanza, you've got 'love' rhyming with 'love'....and there's no rhythm. And the last stanza totally went off in another direction. I think the final line, especially, left me scratching my head. the rhythm and meter is totally off. I love this stanza:

I blinked my eyes and no longer could see
A thing out of place, yet I knew I had seen
The mouse on my keyboard, caressing a key
A CD ejecting, a light on the screen.

That's funny and has perfect beat in the lines. the whole idea of a mouse taking over a 'puter' by itself makes the whole piece funny.

My suggestion is to read this piece out loud slowly. You'll hear the beginning stanzas chiming along in rhythm, and then suddenly go off in the fifth and sixth, and then go back into another rhythm in the seventh and eigth, and then hit perfect rhythm in the ninth...and then go off somewhere totally different in the final stanza. Am I confusing you yet? LOL.

If you read it out loud, slowly, you'll understand how I am hearing it. With such a lengthy piece, it's important not to lose the reader midway. And, especially not to have them stumbling over the final lines.

You just need to tweak this somewhat, and polish it, you may not need every stanza.

But, altogether I thought it was very funny. Just remember it's all in the delivery! (remember, this is only my opinion, and you can throw out anything I say!)

Good job!

Keep Writing!

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119
119
Review of Where Were You  
Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dang, that's one powerful poem. It has so much emotion (anger), I'm almost examining myself for my own failings! The format is good, the language is wonderful. I can't really argue with the structure of the last section, but it IS completely different from the first stanzas. But, for me the emotion carries the whole thing qiite nicely!

Great job!
120
120
Review of Something, Still  
Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ah, very nice piece. This has a feel of remembrance, dignity, admiration in it, the surviving of a sweet spirit. I love the dignity of the woman, the human spirit of optimism I sense in her life, despite changes in her world.

Too long alone, too old to change,
she dreams of the house
with the white picket fence in the country

A very nice piece.

Good job!
121
121
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)
Another nice piece of writing. Yep, it always gives you a few good shots to make you come back for more! I had to laugh, though...I remember my Mom playing golf with me (she was an excellent player and played until she died at age 80). She'd always say, "Just HIT the ball!..."Hit the ball." Meaning...stop trying to think so much, it takes up time, people don't want to wait for you to analyze everything...."Just hit the ball!" LOL. My mother told me I'll never be that good by thinking so much....just to get up there and take a swing. I started to enjoy golf more after that.

Nice writng!
122
122
Review of Golf is HARD.  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)
Haha...trying to get off the tee...hehehe....yep, wacking and hacking. I've been there, I know it well. What's miserable is having to replace all the divets, all the chunks of grass, all the clobs of dirt that you've unleashed when hacking around the course. Everybody looks at you, including the grounds keeper, wondering why you're destroying the course! You feel you will be banned any minute! Wait until you hit one of the ducks waddling by.......hehehe

Play through!
123
123
Review by njames51
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Haha.....what a riot! I laughed out loud. A great story, excellent writing, you had me believing this whole thing! You have a flair for telling a good story. Your writing is flawless, you draw the reader in, and the comedic flair is wonderful. I'm so glad you've got me hooked into reading your stuff! (Darn, I wish I were playing with Ben and Tom...that would be awesome!)

Good job!
124
124
Review of I've KiSSed it..  
Review by njames51
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Haha.....I liked this too. Excellent poetic expression, and so on-target about hitting that midget meteor.

I've tasted the sweet moment of pure musical bliss, where the fingers are performing the symphony themselves, without regard for what I'm conscious of...

This so clearly explains the rush of euphoria when you have that swing going. It's musical, it's illuminating, one feels this rush of out of body experience when the sweet mechanics turn into the cosmic zen of a natural response. The jubilance of that moment cannot be described. When you're not 'thinking' about the swing, but just feeling the poetry of the natural rhythm, it's an addictive moment.

Ah, welcome to the addiction of golf! You can never go back!

Nice piece of writing!
125
125
Review by njames51
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Haha, read the Troublesome Projectile poem. What a riot! The lament of the errant golfer, this journel is pretty interesting. This poem is on target! Man, I have followed so many golf balls around, it's pathetic! I've whacked golf balls off trees, huge rocks, into ditches, sprinkler heads, off ducks, and usually onto opposite fairways. Ah, the joys of chasing those little pimpled-dimpled midget meteors! Nice journel!
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