|This is pretty cute and funny. You have a nice rhythm going in the beginning verses, minus chopping a word here or there. But, the fifth and sixth stanzas read awkwardly to me. Especially the sixth stanza, you've got 'love' rhyming with 'love'....and there's no rhythm. And the last stanza totally went off in another direction. I think the final line, especially, left me scratching my head. the rhythm and meter is totally off. I love this stanza:
I blinked my eyes and no longer could see
A thing out of place, yet I knew I had seen
The mouse on my keyboard, caressing a key
A CD ejecting, a light on the screen.
That's funny and has perfect beat in the lines. the whole idea of a mouse taking over a 'puter' by itself makes the whole piece funny.
My suggestion is to read this piece out loud slowly. You'll hear the beginning stanzas chiming along in rhythm, and then suddenly go off in the fifth and sixth, and then go back into another rhythm in the seventh and eigth, and then hit perfect rhythm in the ninth...and then go off somewhere totally different in the final stanza. Am I confusing you yet? LOL.
If you read it out loud, slowly, you'll understand how I am hearing it. With such a lengthy piece, it's important not to lose the reader midway. And, especially not to have them stumbling over the final lines.
You just need to tweak this somewhat, and polish it, you may not need every stanza.
But, altogether I thought it was very funny. Just remember it's all in the delivery! (remember, this is only my opinion, and you can throw out anything I say!)
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