HI Nicki!
This review is for Rising Star's Member-to-Member Reviews, "Random Thoughts and Cares"  [13+].
My first thougts~
I've read this wonderful story three times now, and it still has the same effect on me- I can't stop balling!!! This is so, SO good. I cannot say enough about how great this story is. You are completely successful at developing your characters- I mean you NAILED it!!! And, in such a limited word count, too  !! Other writers can learn so much from just reading this piece of work on characterization . I am so impressed with the poem you incorporated into the story; it explains so much and allows the reader to sympathize with the antagonist- which would have been a difficult task without it, I think. I have only a few grammatical suggestions/ thoughts on areas that do not take away from the overall story, which is why I rated the story as I did 
My suggestions~
 I do think the line below would read better if you removed the word “itself” and the commas surrounding it. “Itself” is unnecessary because the reader has already been told that you’re referring to “the hospital” and it makes the sentence a bit wordy. And, your reader will ‘get’ that this description was an oddity that the character was experiencing, especially because in the line before this one, you explain that an “illusion seeped into her consciousness”. It is a stronger statement, in my opinion, without “itself”:
The hospital, itself, seemed to be under a spell at this late hour; the usual hustle and bustle of the institution was poignantly absent.
I found some helpful info regarding the comma placement in this line:
Like smelling salts, unpleasant, antiseptic odors invaded my nasal passages and revived the fortitude I so desperately needed to face the imminent truth in Room 242.
According to Grammar.ccc.commet.edu: “Use a comma to separate coordinate adjectives. You could think of this as "That tall, distinguished, good looking fellow" rule (as opposed to "the little old lady"). If you can put an and or a but between the adjectives, a comma will probably belong there. For instance, you could say, "He is a tall and distinguished fellow" or "I live in a very old and run-down house." So you would write, "He is a tall, distinguished man" and "I live in a very old, run-down house." But you would probably not say, "She is a little and old lady," or "I live in a little and purple house," so commas would not appear between little and old or between little and purple.”
So, I don’t think the comma between “unpleasant” and “antiseptic” is needed because we wouldn’t ever write it with an “and” between them- it would read very awkward like that!
Perhaps I am wrong, but I don’t think the comma is needed before “and”:
I nearly jumped out of my skin when it slid open and I did hear my name, and my mother’s strident voice.
Per the same webpage I quoted above, “Remember, too, that a pause in reading is not always a reliable reason to use a comma. Try not to use a comma unless you can apply a specific rule…to do so.”
I suggest replacing the period after “know” whith a comma, make the “h” in “He” lowercase, and combine the two clauses inside the quote to create one sentence:
“Just so you know. He looks…”
In my opinion, the word “through” is unnecessary in the line below, unless you change “reading” to looking:
He was taking it easy, reading through his bottle collecting catalogues.
It seems to me, this line would make better sense if “I have ever written” was “I had ever written”:
The box was filled with all the letters I have ever written to my parents, sorted by year.
You don’t need the comma after “very first”; however I think the line might read clearer if you re-arranged “sleepover” and “camp”:
You sent this from your very first, summer sleepover camp.
I suggest this:
You sent this from your very first summer camp sleepover.No commas needed here because you wouldn’t write this line with the word “and” in between these adjectives
There is no comma needed before “and” because the second clause is not independent:
I wandered to a framed picture on the wall, and afforded the generic, pastel seascape the concentration deserving of a masterpiece.
This line reads a bit awkward to me without the word “that”. BUT, since we all can’t stand the word “that”( ) and because there are two independent clauses without punctuation, I suggest placing a semicolon after “there”.
He seemed so defenseless lying there I felt guilty at my urge to argue with him.
In the line below, the word “raised” sounds awkward to me. I think it is because “raise” is typically used in action (e.g. He raised his voice. The store owners raised their prices.) I think rose would be more appropriate here. ALSO, I think a comma should follow it:
He drank, and as his blood alcohol level raised so did the heft of his abuse.
I don’t think the comma before your conjunction “and” is needed because the phrase that follows is not independent:
I revealed the terror I felt the day he chased me with a baseball bat, and the humiliation of realizing the neighborhood kids had witnessed it.
After the reader is told about what is revealed in the letter, finding out the characters’ action in this line is so absurd, that I think it should be emphasized with either an introductory phrase such as To my surprise, or put the words “neither” and “nor” or “ever” in italics:
Neither Dad nor Mom ever mentioned the letter.
I may be wrong here, but I was just wondering-- If you are referring to the “flat line” sound of a heart monitor here, because I would leave “monitor” singular, or make “alarm” plural:
The monitors sounded their shrill alarm, and he was gone.
What I like about your unique writing~
 Your beginning paragraph is such a great opening to this story. It hooks the reader and builds suspense!
The deliberate stride I counted on to carry me to my father’s deathbed faltered as the eerie illusion seeped into my consciousness, unraveling my nerve.
This line is brilliantly crafted. The comparison to the main character to the city of L.A. is brief, yet it speaks volumes about the character. The double-meaning of the word “broke” is genius!!
I was living on my own for the first time. LA was a big, expensive city, and I felt small and broke.
I welled up at the first line of the poem within the story!!! What an amazing piece of writing- the entire poem that is! It is so believable that this poem was written by the antagonist. But how clever and poignant it was for you to incorporate this poem into the story, humanizing the actions of a brutal abuser. And, you give the antagonist a voice without dialog, while he lays unconscious on his deathbed- a voice that rings “I’m so sorry” and “I do love you”:
I am a man walking backwards
How amazing is your writing style, even at the very end of the story, you lead your reader in suspense, wondering if he will, perhaps, actually make it. The reader still thinks this, even though you tell the reader in the very beginning that the main character is going to her “father’s deathbed”. Yet still, the reader has a glimmer of hope that a miracle might happen and this man will survive this medical crisis and get a second chance at a healthy relationship with Charlene. But, even though that does not happen, you do not disappoint your reader because this is simply a fantastic story!!!!
I cannot wait to read what appears next in your port!!!!
 Noelle
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While it is good for the reader to know how the character appears, it is not necessary for the reader to know exactly what she looks like. Sometimes, it is more important to be brief and maintain the readability of the story. This is why writers should limit the adjectives they use in a particular line. Here, consider taking out “short” – I like her tousled red hair. --
The word “Both” is not necessary in this line. Consider taking it out to make the line less wordy --
Consider introducing the mother’s name earlier in the scene. It comes across as confusing in this line, leading the reader to stop and re-read it in order to figure out who is Elexa? --
This line reads a bit awkward. Perhaps you meant They have decided you are to be exiled.” 
I think you could have added more descriptions of the scene’s setting to give the reader more vivid imagery. I am still left wondering what is the time/era of this scene? Describing the style of the house, or describing with greater detail the items inside the house could give the reader clues about the time. Or, you could give the reader an image of what the main character sees outside of the window in the beginning of the scene – is there a swingset or a tree swing? Is there a well pump or a hose? Are there cars or carriages? 
This is a perfect example of your awesome ability to make people laugh with your writing. It is a short, but well written, hilarious story about a cat who was, frustratingly for the children, just not curious! 
Great character, Michelle!)
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