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471 Public Reviews Given
488 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
If you're really desperate for a review, feel free to email me. Just don't expect a very quick turnaround. NB: I'm happy to review novels. I tend to review from the point of view of a reader rather than an editor. I 'nitpick' on anything that interrupts my reading flow. If you want me to go all out with nitpicking in general, ask me to do a line-by-line. Quite happy to do so - as a copied static or email.
I'm good at...
Getting into the story from the reader's perspective.
Favorite Genres
M/M, romance, horror, western
Public Reviews
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Review of Dark Cloud  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Jimminycritic

As a fellow "Invalid Item"  contestant, I’m pleased to offer a review on your entry "Dark Cloud" .


Reader Impressions
This is one of those stories that does my head in. At first sight a heck of a ramble without plan and I think ‘no, no, no, not a story’ but then I step back and look at the subject – a cloud. And the ramble, jumble, ‘no idea what’s going on here’ aspect makes a lot of sense!

At the end of the story I kind of felt like I’d been in the cloud’s storm, tumbled about and left upside down but also feeling somewhat enlightened. How can you not love a story that leaves you like that? And what’s more is that it’s a story told perfectly to character. I’m sure a grammarian would have a heart attack over some of the writing structure, but it fits perfectly to the nature of a cloud.


Prompt
Your story personifies a dark cloud and you’ve gone for the emotion angle – among other things… loneliness, possessiveness and rage, which tends to go hand-in-hand with the first two. I did like that the cloud’s rage also went physical. He has no arms/legs but the storm let loose, the crushing of trees makes me imagine he is pushing trees over with an invisible set of hands.

He also embodies the absolute randomness of a cloud – wispy, drifting, thoughts here there and everywhere, growing, shrinking, ranting. I was a bit confused over the ‘experiment’ side of things that he talks about but if you don’t read much into it it all just comes across as that randomness. The way you’ve written these thoughts and actions all jumbled up are a manifestation of no logic whatsoever. It’s rather well done, even if you didn’t intend to have it look like that!


Things that puzzled me
Actually there’s only two.

The first relates to the second paragraph where the cloud is trying to excuse what he says or has done. But that’s a bit odd because he is a dark cloud, and being dark is what he does/is. It felt out of character for him, if that makes sense so I’d actually suggest that paragraph could go (especially since the third paragraph mentions that there are no excuses for his being).

The second is just about the tenses. I felt this cloud’s tale swapped between present and past and I couldn’t always tell where the story was. It’s not until half way through the third paragraph that we hear there’s going to be a story within a story but even then it was a bit hard to note which was story-past and which was story-present. This did, of course, make Here I am scatter-winded. one of the most apt lines there ever was!! Definitely embodies the randomness of a cloud but it did confuse this reader a bit.


Closing Comments
A story that is actually hard to describe!! I spend a lot of time watching clouds, and next time I see them meld together in the sky I’m sure this story will come to mind and I’ll think of something akin to love and war taking place.

Best of luck for the contest!


Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review your writing! Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you need any clarification regarding my comments.

Best wishes,
Os

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Review of When we align  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jimminycritic

As a fellow "Invalid Item"  contestant, I’m pleased to offer a review on your entry "When we align" .


Prompt
You took on the wonderful same-but-different feelings Love and Hate for your story, with Hate being the primary POV. His opening line of Whatever. was wonderful!!! I thought it totally set the tone all the way through. I also liked how you put all of their personalities into the conversation – and that we could clearly not expect a physical personification. I liked it; I don’t think we need ‘physical’ to be able to take on a particular POV.


Reader Impressions
I really liked this little story, and I think it shows quite cleverly how very close Love and Hate are to each other. For me the mention of the blade of grass helps indicate that – Hate hates being stuck in the soil, Love pretty much loves it for the same reason. You know, it’s a lose-lose (or win-win) situation. And as I mentioned briefly above, it was nice to have this story told completely from conversation. We had enough personification here, I thought, not to worry about putting a physical something around both characters.

I especially enjoyed how you turned the story around so that the final part came from Love’s point of view – and that Love seemed to have a little bit of “I’m sick of this” going on (when thinking wiggling out to a better atmosphere on the other side). All couched in ‘love’, of course! And, of course, Don’t you hate being stuck here? is an interesting thing directed at Hate. Presumably Hate doesn’t – Hate actually ‘loves’ being here so we get that whole ‘everything is same-but-different’ feeling and that the two emotions are not really very much removed from each other.

I must admit I feel a bit sorry for Hate. As Hate he must ‘hate’ things, but many of the comments he makes are quite emotional – he hates when he’s dominating the conversation, but he’d also hate it if Love went away. These are two things you really can read as ‘hate’ rather than using ‘hate’ (as in most of the story) as a form of ‘love’. Yes, I’m going to stop here before I get in a tangle!


Things that Niggled
Not much niggled at all! I liked the way this was written, with the rambling rants – this is how conversations run. I did find one thing though….

Mine! – this felt kind of out of the blue, and I couldn’t figure out where it fitted. Mine what?


Closing Comments
Very clever, Jimminy, and an enjoyable read. I liked that we moved from Hate’s POV to Love’s, but that the ending was a question directed back at Hate and felt quite ambiguous. We expect that Hate would say that, yes, he does hate being here (but rather more in a form of ‘I love being here’). You could really tangle yourself up with this story (well, the reader could) but you kept lovely control of the telling and should we say that Love triumphs over Hate here?


Best of luck for the contest!

Best wishes,
Os

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Review of The Body  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Sum1

As a fellow "Invalid Item"  contestant, I’m pleased to offer a review on your entry "The Body" .


Prompt
Boy, did you have me thrown! I was all about ‘OMG he’s broken the no-human-speech rule straight off’ in those opening lines, and I was in a panic because that’s so unlike you. But, no, no broken rules; you were just being extra sneaky and clever!

You chose the body (dead or alive) prompt and you managed to use alive, mostly dead, and completely fake all in one story. And then right at the end you gave us a truly alive Ken ‘body’. An ambitious undertaking, but really nicely done.


Reader Impressions
I would agree with Ken’s observation; this is a self-centred man and when I was reading this story with Ken being real I wasn’t overly bothered by him falling off the cliff. Ooops. But when you twisted that plot oh so well to point out that the reader has been duped, it all came very clear. Ken is a doll (I imagined him as THE Ken) and he is at once very perfect and very screwed. He is put into situations beyond his control (as any doll might be) and I loved the fact that we were able to see the scene twice, once we knew what it was about.

Here we have someone climbing a mountain and falling, and then kind of waiting to die/be eaten. The large black bird wasn’t massively out of whack with the story – condors, vultures, etc; all ready and waiting for a quick snack. The bear, too, isn’t out of place and I started to feel just a little bit sorry for Ken. Everything is turned on its head when we move to the ‘real’ scene – a young girl is playing with her dolls. The reader has to pull back from Ken lying there with his legs all bent and broken to understand that Ken is actually a doll, puppet to a child’s imagination, lying around with his limbs bent at odd angles.

This story reminds me so much of when I was a child, coming up with all sorts of stories for my dolls (I had Daisy dolls, as well as Barbie, but never Ken). I never once thought about a sort of ‘reality’ for the doll – ie what they were thinking. It is almost a scary thought, like some weird horror story. And that brings me to the final sentence of the story – when a new family moves in next door and the child’s name is Ken. I couldn’t help feeling he was going to be in trouble one day, sort of like he was going to take on the personality/adventures of the doll, and I worried for him. It was a little extra twist that made this story feel quite devious. I liked it a lot, and I liked this story; it’s very clever.


Things that Niggled
Apart from the fact I was caught out by a sneaky twist?? *Smile*

Couple of punctuation issues (listed below) but nothing major. Parts of the story were quite wordy where I might expect a more colloquial telling (such as in Ken’s second speech) but I do realise that it also fits in with what a doll might say/think/do (sort of awkward and long-winded).

He didn’t notice, or remember the vine snaked across his path. – either remove the comma or put another one after ‘remember’.

I’m going to beat every record there is in mountain climbing’. – extraneous speech mark here.


Closing Comments
Well I finished reading this story wishing there was more – more Ken adventures and more story regarding the ‘real’ Ken. I would love to know if they entwine more – life imitating art imitating life etc

Good luck for the contest.

Best wishes,
Os

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Review of Found Treasure  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Lynda Miller

This review of the poem "Found Treasure"  is the second of three reviews from the PDG’s Package 10 which you won in "Save Disability Group membership!" .

Just a short reminder... writing poetry isn’t my strong point and therefore my reviews of poetry tend to come more from the reader than the writer! Hopefully you’ll still find something valuable though!


*FlowerR* Reader Impressions
This is a lovely poem of gratitude and found confidence, of friendship and perseverance. I think all writers hunger for a champion (outside their parents!!), and the confidence we get from them cannot ever be understated. You’ve titled this poem Found Treasure, and I think you’re absolutely right. A person who encourages us, who has faith in us, and who gives us confidence is a treasure – even if they don’t see that themselves. This poem is a really nice way of acknowledging what your treasure has done for you.


*FlowerR* Emotional Impact
This is a heartfelt poem that I think anyone can relate to. We writers are our own worst critics, which you’ve made clear here. And you’ve also brought up that other ‘thing’ we do – linking the fact that we ‘can’t’ write with the fact that must mean we shouldn’t offer advice to others. Which is not true, but we often need a push to be reminded of this. Your worry and hesitation is clear in the opening stanzas, and the sense of burgeoning confidence (laced with ‘is she telling the truth?’) comes out through the middle. But then you caught that bug called ‘confidence’ and went with the flow. I can sense the relief and pleasure and pride in the line And now it’s done.

I liked how you didn’t use flowery words in this poem. Being a poem of inspiration and thanks, you could have but simple words are often more heartfelt and honest (in my humble opinion). Whomever reads this will know how you felt throughout your journey, and anyone who has found a champion (or might still be looking for one) will understand your feelings.

You champion might not feel that what they did was really all that amazing, but the things that change our lives aren’t necessarily huge and are not always noticeable straight away. That you even wrote this lovely poem shows how much impact your champion’s friendship and encouragement had, and it’s a very fine way of displaying your gratitude. Question – does your champion know about this poem??


*FlowerR* Rhyme, Form and Flow
Well, you’ve got stanzas of four lines each, apart from your opening quote of two lines and your final line. Mostly there’s no rhyme, so it’s a free-form poem but I actually liked the rhyme in: I took the challenge | and read and read. | I did the editing | as the words filled my head. The rhyme and metre made this a very easy stanza to read and I realised I’d quite like to see more of this poem written in a rhyming format. I think this is mostly because I’ve read a lot of “gratitude” poems in rhyming format!!

The reading flow was alright but there are some repetitive words that made things a bit jarring. I’ve mentioned them below


*FlowerR* Suggestions
Poetry’s from the heart, and I do loathe to point things out because of that but I felt some wording choices were quite clunky (and some were very repetitive). I’m listing the examples below as I think that might be more clear than just me talking about them. This will look horribly long, but it’s mostly me giving my reasons, so please don’t freak out! And, of course, you’re free to ignore everything.

I had my head full | on writing a novel. – firstly, ‘on’ needs to be ‘of’ because your head is ‘full of’ something, not ‘full on’ something. But also, I think you could remove ‘writing’. You use write, writing, wrote a lot in this poem, and here I think it’s not needed. That your head is full of a novel implies the ‘writing’, but the main reason I suggest removing it is the line that comes after this – Yet, I would write. The verb here is enough (and I would actually like to see ‘and write’ tacked on, mostly because when I read these last two lines, the metre seems to flow a little more smoothly with the extra ‘and write’. But that might just be me!!).

I didn’t feel – this starts the second stanza. This stanza is really quite poetic (though I did wonder if ‘placed’ needed a ‘where’ attached to it. You feel like you haven’t placed the description or the dialogue where?) But my main reason for mentioning this line is that you’ve got ‘didn’t feel’ in the last line of the stanza above and so it’s quite repetitive. Perhaps you could turn this stanza around just a little to start with placing the words and ending with how they didn’t feel rightly placed?

and ask for help – just needs to be ‘asked’ here. And in the last line of this third stanza I’d recommend swapping ‘book’ for ‘story’. That’s for two reasons. You use ‘book’ a lot and for some reason I always hear ‘children’s story’ rather than ‘children’s book’.

but you said; I’ve known – use another dialogue tag here otherwise you have two ‘saids’ close together and they stand out. Also, I think you need “ around the dialogue to make it true dialogue (since I presume that’s what you’ve got here).

I sent your novel | back to you – I felt these two lines of the sixth stanza were quite jarring, especially the second line when read on its own. It feels too ‘tell’ or almost too ‘common’. The suggestion I’ve got doesn’t fit with your four-lines-to-a-stanza form but hopefully you can see how you could turn this around a little bit (and get rid of another ‘wrote’): I sent back your novel | and you told me | how I did a great editing job. The fourth line could, perhaps, give an explanation of ‘great’ – ie what was something that you did that your friend found ‘great’?

I couldn’t believe it. – I understand what you mean here but this is a really negative line, and when read on its own it’s even more negative. You don’t have to remove it, just change it around a little: Though I couldn’t believe it or I dared hardly believe it. In any case, I think it also needs to be attached more to the first line so put a comma after ‘pride’ rather than a full stop. At the end of this stanza you have ‘own’. Because we’re reading the poem we know ‘own’ means your own novel, but reading the stanza as a single piece makes ‘own’ non-understandable. (The stanza coming directly after makes it understandable again but I think each stanza should make its own sense.)

I wrote my book and And now it’s done. – I found ‘book’ and ‘done’ jarring, and both all the more jarring because you use them again in the last stanza. I think ‘novel’ could replace ‘book’ here and even something like ‘complete’ could replace ‘done’. ‘Complete’ feels much more expressive.

See what you’ve done? – ‘done’ definitely works better here but it almost feels accusatory in this sentence. Maybe ‘achieved’ could be used? Less accusatory, more encouraging. Also, put a full stop after ‘book’ in the third line.


*FlowerR* Closing Comments
Poetry’s just the right format for expressing gratitude, and you’ve done a fine job here of doing that and explaining why you’re doing it. You had a wonderful triple win – confidence to review, confidence to write and a champion who helped remind you that you can review and write. Sure, I’ve nit-picked at some of your wording but that doesn’t stop me loving the emotions in this poem or loving the poem!! And it reminds me I need to do more thanking too!


Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review your poetry. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if something doesn’t make sense.

Best wishes,
Os

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Review of My Beloved  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lynda Miller

Congratulations on winning Package 10 from "Save Disability Group membership!"  which was, among other things, three reviews. This review is for your sneaky little poem "My Beloved" .

Just a short pre-amble... Though I like to read poetry, writing it isn’t my strong point and therefore my reviews of poetry tend to come more from the reader than the writer! Hopefully you’ll still find something valuable though!


*FlowerR* Reader Impressions
‘Sneaky?’ I hear you ask. Yep, because here I was thinking I’d be reading a love poem, all romantically written with a quill no less, and then, boom, we have a cheater in the middle of the poem and a murder at the end of it! I do love twists in what I read and I liked how I didn’t really see this one coming. In fact, at the third stanza I thought the narrator was writing a letter to say he was leaving his wife (even if she stays through thick and thin).

Cheating, adultery, mistresses – everyone has their opinion about these things. Love is not easy and you can’t always choose who your love goes to. Sometimes we even manage to love two people! Your narrator doesn’t, or at least doesn’t now. He says he’ll leave his mistress but he won’t, and he knows his wife understands this. And yet he also seems to think that having the two women with him is okay. She is the mother of his children, as he says; clearly that’s a link that can’t be broken and I got the feeling that for him actually loving her wasn’t much a part of the equation now. Oddly, I was kind of reminded of the ‘pina colada’ song (Escape by Rupert Holmes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5_EIikdFr8) – couples who are tired of each other looking for something else.

Your narrator does come across also as a bit arrogant/naïve (yes, the two together). Here he is with a mistress, lying to his wife and not feeling really guilty about it, and when she pulls a gun he’s like ‘she won’t hurt me, we’ve never had any problem’. As if he doesn’t consider the cheating to be a problem. On the other hand, this also says something about the wife. She knows what has been going on but has obviously not mentioned the issues prior, pretending almost as if there isn’t an issue. You know, sometimes the blame for the war is not on the person who started it but on the one who could have stopped it but didn’t… It’s another way to view the man’s shocked reaction, at least.

As for the wife, one immediately is on her side because she’s got a cheating husband. She loves her man, she’s a good wife (well, that’s not explicit and maybe she is only in her own eyes), and she’s a mother. Yet her man is off with some other woman. She’s at her wit’s end and has gone passed the ‘we can work something out’ stage to the ‘you give me no other choice’ stage. It’s in our nature to sympathise a little with the one who is seen to be the ‘victim’. However… the latter half of the poem doesn’t show us a victim at all. It’s murder, fair and square; and, for me, the wife turns into the more hard-hearted of the pair. The final lines of this poem bear this out. She’s not running away, freaking about what she’s just done. She’s knelt herself down to watch her husband’s blood run out of him. I certainly didn’t get any sense of her being concerned but rather a ‘I just need to make sure you die’ kind of moment. One may feel a sense of religious fanaticism within her, with the fifth stanza ‘rant’ and also a passive aggressive nature. It almost sounds like, while she hasn’t been overtly railing against the mistress, she’s been dropping hints and warnings and so uses the lack of acknowledgement of them as a further excuse for murder. He was warned, after all.

Oh my god, I’m way waffling here? I’m sorry if I am but the more I think about this poem I see many more levels in it! Such as….. what if the wife was a slightly crazy woman in the first place and that’s why he found a mistress?



*FlowerR* Tone and Mood
As odd as it probably sounds, the use of a quill and ink is what starts this poem out in a romantic mood. It conjures up visions of the romantic poets doing their thing way back in the day! The mood and tone, of course, darken as we get further into the poem and words like ‘leave, tears, lies, repent’ edge us toward foreboding.


*FlowerR* Rhyme, Form and Flow
I didn’t recognise any particular form of poetry here, just that you kept to a tidy five lines per stanza. There is some rhyming but I couldn’t discern any pattern.

I loved the ‘wife | strife’ rhyming because it heightened, for me, that things had gone wrong. A good relationship would never rhyme these. But… I think you could make it even stronger but swapping the line order just a tad: But… the mother of my children | my wife | we never had any strife (I put ‘but…’ here without the ‘this’ because it feels a little more active and also helps to show the ‘but how is this happening?’ feeling. Just a suggestion of course.

As free-form as this seems to be I thought the flow was okay in that I didn’t struggle to read the poem and didn’t need to re-read certain sections. I think it could be made more powerful than it already is if there was more rhyming to it (but that’s just me).


*FlowerR* Punctuation and Grammar
Normally I don’t pick on punctuation in poetry because it feels like poetry can do whatever it likes. However, since most of your words are in a sentence format I did feel there was some missing punctuation and excess of capital letters starting a line. I’ll give a couple of examples.

Here I sit, | Quill in hand. – I think Quill could be lowercase, because it’s not starting a new sentence.

I see the tears flow from her eyes | And know she sees my lies – I’d like to see a comma after ‘eyes' and the ‘And’ uncapitalised. But also, a full stop after ‘lies’. I think And yet she gives me a smile. would stand best fully as its own sentence.

I dip it – on a line of its own the ending ‘it’ kind of jars. I’d suggest replacing it with ‘the nib’ (or something like that).

I hear the sound – just wondered if you might consider actually putting a sound here rather than the narrator reporting he hears it? Something like A crack snaps the silence, | I feel the pressure Even in poetry it’s best to try to ‘show’ rather than ‘tell’.

One thing I’ll suggest above all is removing the Young Adult genre. Emotional would be a good genre to pick and maybe Dark, but Young Adult seems out of place.


*FlowerR* Closing Comments
This poem starts off romantic and then descends into darkness—adultery, lying, fanaticism, murder—and it happens so smoothly we’re there (and start backing the woman) before we expect it. Even at the end, when the woman is quite cold-blooded, I expect readers will still be feeling like they’re on her side and not quite getting the real tenor of those closing lines. The narrator is complex, guilty and yet also a victim and I must admit I ended feeling just a little bit sorry for him!


Congrats again on winning the auction package. And... don't hesitate to contact me if something doesn't make sense.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Erik Woods

I found "ANZAC Lest We Forget"  under the Read a Newbie section on the Hub page, and being a New Zealander the title piqued my interest straight off.


Reader Impressions
I think any member of WDC who is Australian or a New Zealander will cleave this tribute to their hearts, especially this year. It is that classic tale of soldiers who went (some cheerfully, some forced) to fight so far away from home in someone else's war, and didn't let anyone down. And how a nation remembers those heroes year upon year.

It’s an emotional poem to read, and easy to read due to the rhyming form. I also thought the first two lines were spot on. It does feel as if it’s just a day off to people, and I think in past years (New Zealand anyway) that’s often how it has been seen by a certain demographic. With this year being the 100th anniversary of Gallipoli, that sense has changed. I’m sure there was drinking but the day itself wasn’t about drinking; it was about remembering huge sacrifices, heroes, and honouring those who fell and those who came back. This year, we are exactly as your final lines depict – remembering and doing so with respect. And we always will. I think the next few years will be tough on both countries as we hit the centenary anniversaries of other huge WWI battles. Well, at least I hope the country remembers those with as much pomp and respect as Gallipoli.


Tone, Mood, Emotional Impact
Your tone and mood are both sombre, as most poems on this subject are. ANZAC readers will be feeling this even just reading the title and we’ll be adding our own emotions and memories to yours. ANZAC Day is, however, as much a celebration as it is remembering the harsh theatres of war. We’re celebrating nationhood, camaraderie, loyalty and probably straight out ballsyness so there is always a sliver of joy. In this poem it’s stated in the lines:

If it's a fight that they want, then let me just say,
we'll give 'em a fight, the Australian way.

Your Diggers didn’t admit defeat, they got on with their job and made their country proud.

As odd as it may sound, I really think that the rhyming in the stanzas adds to the emotional impact of the poem. I suspect the rhyming gets the reader into a lyrical flow and when that it combined with this massive history you’re presenting it acts as a double whammy for getting under the reader’s skin.


Rhyme, Form and Flow
I’m not going to begin to pretend I know if you’ve used a known poetry form. All I know is that with the poem in four-line stanzas, with each pair of sequential lines rhyming, the words flow very easily and there’s no hiccup (for me, anyway) in the reading.

Apart from one line, that is:

It's for all these reasons, as sure as the sun will set, – I’m not sure if it’s the ‘all’ or the ‘will’ but this line doesn’t seem to flow as smoothly as the others. I was going to suggest amending the latter clause to something like as sure as the sun sets but that fiddles with your rhyming. I think you could remove ‘all’ as it wouldn’t prevent the reader know that ‘all’ is implied.


Punctuation and Grammar
I only noticed two things that stood out.

Family’s needs to be ‘families’, as you’re not talking in the possessive sense here.

I’m not sure about using the comma to separate each line. Most of the lines work as full sentences and look odd with the comma there. That forces a reading break and some lines just don’t need it. For example At times it seemed, that there was no way out,; when you read this using the comma as a break it actually stops making a lot of sense and if anything stopped my reading flow the comma did. I would presume it’s part of the poetry form you used??? If it’s not, then I’d recommend going through again and seeing if you can remove some of the commas.


Final Comments
A heartfelt and nicely descriptive poem. It should tug hearts, even if the reader is unfamiliar with ANZAC history.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me if something doesn’t make sense.


Best wishes,
Os

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Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi beetle

Thank you for participating in the June round of "The LGBT Writing Contest - now judging" . I'm reviewing your entry, "Amsterdam to Scranton" , in my role as the judge for this round.


The Prompt
I’m really not a whole bunch sure this story fits the Rain prompt all that well. I know you have rain outside – and that’s nice – but the story feels like you were more focused on the two Joust prompts. Which is kind of unsurprising since they were way out there and difficult prompts to add. That opening line is seriously one of the weirdest I’ve ever seen, though I think you did work it in quite nicely and built a good story around it. I’ll have to think of something just as nuts next time I’m coming up with prompts! I liked that you made the ‘rusty gutters’ into Carlo’s eyes. Dry tired eyes, raw from crying (old and new) really must feel like rusty gutters; a really great analogy just a little bit difficult to marry up to Rain in this contest.


Overall Impressions
Well, since I’m a romantic who loves a bit of heartache in my stories (reading and writing; romance and grief can make an extremely powerful combination) this one is right up my alley. We’ve come into the story post the most anguished event – the loss and funeral of Carlo and Andrew’s son, Lucas. We don’t know how he died (or why, for that matter) but we see the aftermath – how one father dealt with his grief at the time of death/funeral and is some way to coming out the other side while the other has bottled it as if he doesn’t know how to let it out, or can’t. Andrew seems to have a lot of pent-up issues and we see that flow out when Carlo first brings up the blueprints and inadvertently unplugs Andrew’s stopper. We see a combination of guilt that Andrew was never around and jealousy that Carlo was around; though I presume while Lucas lived this never really came up?

The story is really about Carlo and Andrew reconnecting. The trainset seems to start the argument but it also ends it, though through the blueprints for the set rather than the physical set. And I think Andrew realises that Carlo wasn’t as much ‘in the know’ with Lucas as he thought. It’s one of those things where you think ‘communicate with each other!’ but in times of grief that’s awfully difficult and no one’s ever ready to do so at the same time. We’re seeing the moment when they finally share something in common and can let go of the past enough to enable them to have a future. I found the ending very satisfying because we’ve had progress in a steady, loving relationship.


The Characters
Am I right in saying that Carlo is the ‘cultured’ one and Andrew is the, let’s say, ‘rough’ one. Felt a bit like it since one sips a pinot noir and the other swigs a beer. If that’s right, then it’s great characterisation because it’s so simple and quick, and very visual. If it’s not, then oops, my stereotyping’s gone nuts.

Well, despite that possible stereotyping, I really liked Carlo and Andrew. We didn’t get to ‘see’ a lot of them, but rather the focus was on their current relationship and their reactions concerning the loss of their son. I liked that a lot of their repartee centred around the train tracks they’ve been putting together and found it quite classic that something inanimate takes the brunt of emotions. It’s almost like we always have to skirt around issues and make out that something else is the problem. It felt very realistic, right down to spinning the STOP sign like a swizzle stick. I actually have one of those signs and it is very calming to spin! We like to fiddle while we think!


The Technical Things
Just some minor bits and pieces that caught my eye as I read.

Carlo thought but didn’t say. – I loved the thought, quite heart wrenching in fact, but I wasn’t sure you actually needed this extra piece. It’s quite clearly a thought and quite clearly un-said.

For all the good that it did. –I think you’ve got this too early as Carlo is still speaking afterwards and it almost ties to his words rather than his ‘voice’. Perhaps shift the piece about the voice to the end of the speech. Something like He’d used a voice that was trying not to agonise. A lot of good it did. Because then we get Andrew’s reaction following straight on and it makes a lot more sense.

I think the sentence where Andrew starts to cry, with the extra clause, is a bit too long and complicated. I understand the need to bring in the ‘rusty gutters’ bit so you can work in that extra Joust prompt at the end but I think there’s other ways to do this. You could simply have Andrew’s tears like the tsunami while Carlo’s eyes just felt like rusty gutters in distinct sentences and you’d still get the description and mood across.

…turned his gaze to small window… – needs ‘a’ before ‘small’.

…while he and Andrew stood locked in despairing embrace for long minutes. – firstly, I’d suggest removing ‘for long minutes’ as I don’t think you need a measurement here. ‘locked’ does a good enough job of providing that. Secondly, ‘a’ is needed’ before ‘despairing’.

Blueprints – boy, is this noticeable when you use it a lot. I think you could use ‘plans’ or even some other word for a couple of these and I’m not sure you need ‘his’ preceding the word every time. It’s clear who the blueprints belong to.

…few tears leaked out of his eyes. – think ‘of his eyes’ could go since where else are they going to leak from?

Final nag – the DEPOT sign. There’s no indication that Andrew puts the sign down so when he and Carlo are hugging how is it that Carlo manages to stare at it?


Closing Comments
Though I might have thought this story related a great deal more to the other contest’s prompt, it was still one that I really enjoyed reading. I like happy ending stories but I also really like those that dig into relationships and bring out deep emotion, showing vulnerable and hurting characters. They are the ones, when portrayed just right, really tug at a reader and I think you did a really great job in that respect.


Thank you so much for entering "The LGBT Writing Contest - now judging" , and we hope you come back again! And - if you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous


My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
108
108
Review of Whispering Walls  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Nixie Martell cheerleader

I’m back with another House Stark ‘raid’ review for "King's Landing updating " , this time for "Whispering Walls" .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
Wow, I had no idea where this story was going to go except that the main character was going to get a bit of a nasty surprise. He was the surprise and you kept it so well hidden, revealing specks here and there, so it’s not until we’re at least half way through that we start to get an inkling that Flint is himself already dead. I think it takes quite a skill to flip a story around so that it starts out one thing and ends up another, but you did a good job of do so. Flint’s change from ‘living’ to ‘puzzled’ to ‘deceased’ was quite seamless and believable.

The story contains multiple moments of horror, at least to my mind. Firstly Friday the 13th itself. There’s a date you notice even if you don’t really believe in it. But a museum dedicated to disasters that occurred on that date? It’d be morbid and terribly fascinating all in one, though I’m not sure I’d pluck up the courage to go! Next up was the inability to find the room (it actually reminded me of those hotels that don’t include a thirteenth floor!). What I liked about that moving door was that you brought it back into the story later, once we’re in the room with the ‘ghosts’; the whole creation of the museum comes out then and I actually felt sorry for Flint.

The ‘why this is happening’ is actually quite sad, but still full of horror: real horror (the burning house and deaths of several people) and imagined horror (reliving that moment, reliving Flint trying to change history, and the vengeance of the deceased). Flint himself is really just a disbeliever, a dis-prover; he’s not inherently evil or bad. But he still caused a terrible tragedy and he must suffer for it. The spirits of his deceased friends seem to think he isn’t suffering much – they think he can ‘escape’ the horrors; yet this whole contraption of a house/museum is a set-up that must crumble each Friday 13th. Flint may keep forgetting but he is also being worn down each year from the hope that things have changed. It feels like one of those nasty, never-ending punishments in Greek mythology!

I thought making the deceased friends show as shadows but also as voices from ‘natural’ objects was quite inspired. You could have gone all out and freaky here but I think less is definitely more, and I really liked the welcomes delivered by the walls, tree branch and wind with their different ‘speech’ tags. It was eerie but also sort of soothing (well, doesn’t everyone like to be welcomed home?), and in fact this should have been a giveaway that something wasn’t quite right with Flint! (It didn’t. I was totally blind.)

We don’t really get to know which of the deceased friends is doing the talking. Sometimes it sounds like they’re in unison (that speech at the end for example), at others we can almost hear a different ‘voice’. This added to a feeling that the ghostly presences were everywhere in the room, giving a suffocating feel. They sound bored and restless, angry and jealous, and even when Flint becomes one of them again they’re after vengeance. He killed them all, why should he get to forget? And it’s rather ironic that he set about disproving a day, and yet causing a major horror on the day and ending up making the day even worse. He has become a curse.


*Crown* Suggestions
Just a few things I noticed.

Which room would like to visit? – missing ‘you’ after ‘would’.

Thirteenth room not always there. My mother’s bones. – these two sentences re when Flint is beginning his climb up the stairs. They puzzled me a bit. Are these Flint’s thoughts? If not, they sort of come out of the blue as present tense and a bit of a blurt! If they are thoughts then I suggest they go into italics just so it’s easy to tell.

“Welcome home,” whispered the walls. – Loved the two instances of the murmuring by the walls, tree and wind. But your second set is slightly out. First time around, the walls say ‘Welcome back’ and so I think your second set needs to say the same thing (the tree branch and the wind are the same both time); it adds to the rhythm of the story.


*Crown* Closing Comments
A very different horror story, with a sad twist to it especially when looking at the prompt you wrote to and the reasons why Flint might not want to believe. Here is a man who shunned Friday the 13th and now has to pay for it, literally forever, having made the day infinitely worse! It’s a time-warp story that tragically plays out each Friday 13, and that all on its own heightens the horror within the story. I really enjoyed reading it.


Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
109
109
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Nixie Martell cheerleader

The awesome "King's Landing updating "  is in full swing and you’ve been chosen as a recipient of a review raid. This review of "Dr. Zhivago and the Cheesecake"  comes from fabulous House Stark.


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This story caught my eye because of its title. I know of the movie, and it’s one of my mum’s favourites too. I loved how the kitten got the name but resembled nothing like the original suave doctor. How often do we mis-name our pets??

This story is a comedy of errors, all helped along by one little kitten (though the cheesecake probably would have cracked anyway!). It’s amazing how one little tiny thing can cause so much destruction, and you describe his actions so perfectly that I can only presume you’ve had the pleasure of witnessing kitten power. The funny thing is, I think humans are partly to blame. When we react, that just seems to make a kitten even more excitable; well adult cats too! My seven-year-old cat still climbs the curtains and seems to enjoy it more when I start to cackle over it. Dr. Zhivago’s ‘thoughts’ at the end are totally apt – we make a big deal but a kitten’s so laid back and probably also thinking ‘thanks for the fun’.

I loved how this story was told by Cassandra but run by Dr. Zhivago. Though there is a plot outside of the kitten (preparations for Cassandra’s dad’s birthday party), once the cheesecake is cooling every action moment that follows has a four-legged instigator. It’s all very plausible too, even the chaos of people falling over in the lounge. Really, it’s no surprise that Cassandra’s mum fainted. Given the chaos, it was a rather a natural reaction. I found it really quite impressive that you managed to characterise not only Cassandra and the kitten but also several other characters so that we could see them quite clearly in their actions and reactions, even if they don’t have big roles. I think it’s quite a masterful telling!


*Crown* Suggestions
My only ‘suggestion’ is rather an ‘observation’. There’s not a huge time-frame between Cassandra sending her dad off for toilet rolls and then going outside to see if the hot boy was about (perfect ‘aside’ in the plot, by the way). She’s barely outside when she sees her dad with the twelve-pack. I didn’t think enough ‘time’ had passed even if the drugstore was just around the corner.


*Crown* Closing Comments
Loved this story, Nixie. Very funny and totally believable. Anyone who has lived with a kitten will be reminiscing and nodding away as they read. The human characters were wonderfully drawn too *Wink*, and perfect entertainment-providers to Dr. Zhivago.


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
110
110
Review of Victims Anonymous  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi kiyasama

The awesome "King's Landing updating "  is in full swing and you’ve been chosen as a recipient of a review raid. This review of "Victims Anonymous"  comes from fabulous House Stark.


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This is an ugly story, and that’s not a criticism. An ugly story because we’re dealing with a murderer who is sly, vindictive and killing for fun. And what makes the ugliness stand out is that this story’s character is known to be shy, geeky, quiet, a coward by his school friends. He’s the type of kid whose friends, when he’s found out as the murderer, will say ‘but he was always so quiet.’ They always are, these high school murderers. Ugly because your story contains terrible truth.

You have horror/thriller/suspense writing down to a fine art, tricking the reader into a sense of safety and them tipping them over into a world of serious unpleasantness. We start out thinking Todd is just out and about, and notices a building collapse. He has a slight war with his conscience about whether he should investigate the weak cries for help. It was not his concern. – this is so true of people who come across a fight or an accident or something. They don’t want to get involved, don’t want to draw trouble to themselves. We all know what is right but sometimes we have to force ourselves to do it. At this point in the story we still have no idea what Todd’s about, especially when he comes across the red handbag – out of place, I expect – and his stomach does a flip. As a popular hang-out for teenagers he’s come to the sudden realisation, the building has possibly claimed a victim.

It’s the rather cool appraisal of the arm running with blood and the swinging bag that alerts us to the possibility of this scene not quite being the terrible accident it first appears to be. This is followed quickly by he could see her head was at an odd angle which I found to be very cold and also knowing (using the pronoun instead of something like ‘the young woman’s head’ which seems a little more ‘I don’t know who this person is’), and then not very pretty anymore. This could just be a general observation that matted hair isn’t pretty but it’s loaded with fact and spite now that we’ve read the entire paragraph.

Still, it did remain a surprise to have Todd answer her panic with the affirmative. And even then, once we realised he was probably responsible for the tragedy he still seems to have a moment of conscience that he has to strangle her. Or maybe we should read that as some sort of annoyance that he had to take such a direct hand in the death?? Hard to tell.

Not content with having the reader made uneasy over the fact Todd is on the one hand seen as a quiet, cowardly guy (and his earlier (re)actions kind of help that) and on the other a killer, you throw us for a loop again when we find out that this girl is the fifth to have died by his hand (direct and otherwise). Ho-ly…. What makes the story extra chilling here is the total lack of remorse plus his judgement of their character. Interesting, in my mind, was the fact we really only see the motive clearly when Todd thinks about the sixth victim – the girl who’d called him names. I don’t believe, however, he’s reached a point where he has no other recourse but to do what he does, as if he’s been pushed to the limit, so I have a total lack of empathy for him. He’s an out and out killer, enjoying himself.

I liked the way that the log-line matches the plot. We might wonder how on earth Todd’s been given free rein to murder but that’s all because (I believe, anyway) of how people perceive him. A coward, a quiet boy – well, who’d have any suspicion he’s doing what he’s doing? Therefore he has free rein (rather than ‘reign’, though that’s oddly suitable too).


*Crown* Suggestions
The line about the scalpel puzzled me. It’s right out of the blue, even though we know he’s a calculating killer, and doesn’t seem to fit in with the story in as much as we don’t know what he’s previously done with it or what he’s about to do. It shows up and that’s it. I get that we’re probably supposed to wonder what the heck he’s done and is about to do but I don’t think it actually added much to the story. We’re already wondering about the other four girls, and there’s enough horror combined with them and with the new girl and with the forthcoming girl to not require something so specific. I would suggest Cheap bitches. stand fully on its own, and then go to the forthcoming girl.



*Crown* Closing Comments
Your horror/thriller/suspense stories always surprise and please. This one is no different and, as I mentioned at the start of this review, you’ve made this one even more horrible by having that ugly truth – that it’s always the quiet ones, the picked-on ones who end up this way – part of the story. Your descriptions came across quite clinical – nothing lyrical at all – and that just added to the atmosphere of horror and impending doom. And, of course, you took that prompt and ran with it. A really great read.


Thanks once again for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Os


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
111
111
Review of Rumor Has It...  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi kiyasama

I’m back with another House Stark ‘raid’ review for "King's Landing updating " , this time for "Rumor Has It..." .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
I actually chose this because I’ve been reading some of your other comedy-tagged stories and enjoying them so much. This one I really love! It’s the perfect tale of 1. How the only way to keep a secret is to not tell anyone, and 2. How a secret told can easily become a monster of a rumour that is barely recognisable with regards to its origin. The progress from Alex and an older woman making out to Marcia and Alex up at Lover’s Cove with the chance of seeing underclothes comes across perfectly natural. All it takes is a word here and there (misheard or made up) and boom, Marcia will never be able to hide again! I loved how the girls immediately believed about Marcia and Alex – even if up until this point Marcia wasn’t really remembered by anyone. There is also, somewhat typically, that speck of joy at someone else’s misfortune; in this case, a much hated girl who could be taken down a peg or two! The story also illustrates who we tell secrets to - our best friends (which can vary day to day) - and also why - in the case of Barbara, to get in with a group of girls!

The rumour could have gone terribly wrong in several ways, and when Marcia spun about to see Alex right there I held my breath on the result, even if he was there with amused eyes. One suspects he knows exactly where the rumour started and Marcia’s bright red face and shield of books are rather telling signs. Her reaction was totally real – self-defence that is also rather incriminating! I didn’t say anything like that! totally means she said something else! Alex’s response is awesome. He’s not angry or defensive when he probably has right to be. Instead he reveals that part of the ‘rumour’ is incorrect. I love that he cuts her off to say it and then walks away with a chuckle. He’s a good sport. I doubt there’s more to it than that so it’s nice that he plays along. I, being a romantic, can always imagine there is more to it; he’s seen her rock-star smile and enjoys the fact the rumour started etc etc etc. Marcia’s sighing in contentment and daydreaming is a perfectly reasonable response!

In all, I found this a wonderfully funny and satisfying story, with a requisite happy ending. And isn’t it classic that because Marcia’s had a reasonably decent outcome she thinks a little gossip isn’t such a bad thing. I can’t help imagining what she’s going to do when Lindsay Martin hears!

Loved Whoa! cutting in on Marcia’s thoughts about herself; jerks the reader into the present as much Marcia herself. I also thought that the Get out! and Shut up! were perfect teenage-girl speak and superbly conveyed reactions and even implied facial reactions and hand gestures.

And you know what’s interesting – the reader mostly forgets that Alex Dumell possibly was making out with a teacher!! Which is rather just as well since you don’t mention it again.


*Crown* Suggestions
I expect that Marcia couldn’t see the features of the older woman because she had her face obscured by Alex’s head. If that’s so, then I’d be inclined to state that because I was a bit caught out when I read that Marcia was just a few feet from Alex and the woman and yet couldn’t really see the woman’s features. It’s not immediately clear that they are obscured, hence the puzzlement.


*Crown* Closing Comments
You write your short stories with magnificent twists, even when the genre is comedy. We are led to believe the rumour is going to be something of a down-fall for Marcia but it comes out wildly in her favour. For that, I’m happy. You still got across the point that rumours can go crazy but you gave it a pleasing outcome. It’s also pretty clear you’ve got the portrayal of high-school girls down pat!


I really enjoyed this story and seeing how you wrote to the prompt. Really nicely done.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
112
112
Review of One Night in Hell  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi kiyasama

I’m back with another House Stark ‘raid’ review for "King's Landing updating " , this time for "One Night in Hell" .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
Your title caught my interest here – One Night in Hell and yet it’s a comedy. Intriguing! Funnily enough, I think we get to see how this night becomes one in Hell right from the first couple of sentences. We’ve got a cocky young man expecting the perfect night. He’s all dolled up, sure of his looks, and has the perfect car to round out the top three. I expect you worked hard on the name; Brandon LeBrock sounds just like a cocky high-school student who thinks highly of himself. I appreciated he had to muster the courage to speak to the woman; that showed just a little speck of ‘humility/shyness’ and allowed me a moment of ‘oh bummer, it’s all going to go to pot for him.’

I did not see where this little change in date was going so you definitely piled on the drama and suspense, and Brandon’s own inner thoughts provided the comedy. The present tense telling helps bring the reader right into the story as if we’re a fly on the wall. I thought Brandon’s What the hell…?! when the second girl scrambled into the car was remarkably apt. He’s about reached the point where it can’t get much more bizarre; I think if he’d said it out loud it’d have come out in a whispered breath.

The kid’s got guts; I’d have bailed on the date!! And I’m surprised he doesn’t when his balls shrivel *Smile* He is reluctant in pulling away from the driveway but perhaps the lure of becoming a man stays as a tiny speck. Or maybe the woman’s just scary enough that Brandon has no recourse but to obey. How old is she, by the way? I’m imagining something like thirties from the description and use of ‘woman’!

I love how a big part of Brandon’s thoughts remain on his dad – how he’s gonna kill him for the smoke smell and then again for being involved with cops. He never seems to be worried that the women might do it! This story could easily have gone truly to Hell but you’ve made the new date, Sam, a little relaxed and humorous on her own. Though she ends up in cahoots with another criminal she doesn’t seem the violent type. And – to Brandon’s ‘chagrin’ but to my amusement – she even plants a kiss on his cheek and apologises. I reckon she’d have gone with the plan and made him a man! I get the feeling Brandon might slow down in his race to become a man after this incident. And, I must say, he’s got some guts if he starts his story to his dad the way he’s thinking of doing so. I think his dad is either going to cuff him round the ear for being a total idiot or break down into laughter at the thought. I don’t think sitting in the jail cell is the end to Brandon’s night in hell!!

By the way, I do like the way you’ve ended the story, with a repetition of sorts of the beginning. It’s a nice tidy closure, and yet allows the reader to imagine that meeting between dad and son.


*Crown* Suggestions
I’ve noticed that you use the interrobang rather a lot. Six times in fact in this particular story. It stands out like a sore thumb. As much as I like it (I think it has its place) there’s a point when it’s kind of all I saw in punctuation. I think the ?! works great for the two times it’s used with Brandon’s thoughts (What?! when we learn Ashley is married and What the hell…?! when the new girl jumps in the backseat), but not so much in speech. I think you could use italics or even a dialogue tag to illustrate the shock conveyed by the ?! in those places.

I think the moment Sam orders Brandon to make a stop at the 7-11 needs to be attached to the previous paragraph, because as it stands Sam snaps the phone shut and barks loudly. We have to read on to find that she doesn’t actually bark.

All I wanted was to lose my virginity tonight. – ‘tonight’ feels superfluous tacked on at the end. I’d either remove it or change its position, putting it between ‘wanted’ and ‘was’, giving the exact timeframe more importance.

“s***,” the girl in the backseat curses. – with ‘curses’ at the end of this sentence it’s hard to read this as a replacement for ‘said’. Put it first, as in “s***,” curses in the girl in the backseat. or middle, as in “s***,” the girl curses from the backseat.


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is a funny story that could easily have turned into a real Hell. You maintained the humour through-out with Brandon’s thoughts and reactions, and even the way the night turned out came across as humorous since besides the odd gunshot there’s no real vibe of violence. We leave the hero musing how he’s going to explain to his father just why he’s picking his son up from a jail cell. I had some suggestions but, aside from that ever-present interrobang, they didn’t really deter my reading enjoyment


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
113
113
Review of The Lake  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi kiyasama

The awesome "King's Landing updating "  is in full swing and you’ve been chosen as a recipient of a review raid. This review of "The Lake"  comes from fabulous House Stark.


*Crown* Reader Impressions
It constantly amazes me how people can draw a story out of a little prompt, and take that story anywhere. The prompt The Lake is written to seems innocuous but rather than telling a boring little tale of two lovers sharing a moment (that’d have been me!) you took the horror route and nailed it – twice over, if you ask me. Horror wears many faces. You’ve chosen the monster ‘face’ – unidentified, unknown, terrifying and murderous that seems to be coupled with a cosy little town that is possibly a little too cosy for anyone’s benefit. Though you don’t out and out lay suspicion on the town’s folk I felt a certain uneasiness in the way they whole-heartedly and, to a man, didn’t believe the Ruddingtons. That sort of atmosphere – where a town is arrayed against outsiders or has some dark secret – reminds me of the movie Hot Fuzz. It was supposed to be a comedy but I found it really unnerving and a whole lot disturbing. Maybe I’m just suggestable?

Anyway… that was the first horror I felt with this story. The second was right at the end; not when the action gets hot with Daniel but with Maryann patiently waiting for his return. I’m not sure if it’s the change from past tense to present tense or the fact that Maryann seems way too calm or the duration of her wait, but I got a chill reading it. Has she gone crazy? Does she actually know what the monster is? Did she organise it all? Nothing in what you’ve written suggests any of this (the earlier half mad with grief has good cause) and so I commend you for putting extra thoughts into my mind without really trying. And in honesty I’m not a fan of lakes and ponds, especially when they’re all smooth and glassy; so I can take your words and twist them round all over the place!

We start with a bang, with Maryann pleading with her husband to stay away from the lake. We don’t immediately know how it might happen or why she’s so afraid but our interest is caught. Why does a story written to a prompt about catching fish open with such panic? But you don’t leave us hanging very long; we learn why her husband is going – to catch the monster than killed their daughter. The anger, grief and panic of the couple are portrayed clearly and strongly, allowing the reader to get a sense themselves.

I appreciated that you didn’t forget the prompt. Death of a child and chasing a monster aside, this story is about catching a fish. You give nice descriptions of that particular action, fitting to the prompt. I was kind of surprised when Daniel rocked out the gun as it’s not your usual fishing tool (well, not where I am from anyway) but then again – once he’d caught the monster, how was he going to kill it????? I had a brief moment of wondering what sort of monster would take a lure but I guess that’s not really important. Interestingly, we never get a picture of the monster. Terrifying is all we get, and that could be anything. Quite a handy word; it can mean so much and I’m sure everyone who reads this story has a different image in their mind!

You’ve got a lot of ambiguity in this story, which draws a very thin line between being a bit frustrating and clever. Frustrating because the reader (me) has to untwist so many things (or make them up) in my mind. I appreciate a story that leaves me to work some things out but this story has a lot of it. I’ve already mentioned the possibility of the weird townsfolk and Maryann’s strange calmness at the end. But another one is in the first ending – when the lake goes all silent and still after Daniel fires his gun. This ending has the reader expecting that the monster is dead and Daniel has triumphed. There’s nothing to suggest otherwise, especially with …for the rest of his life. in play. Then to suddenly be with Maryann two days later we’re like what?! and have to re-read to see if we missed something, which we didn’t. So… maybe the monster didn’t die after all and took Daniel. Yet, the story is clever because of these things too – there are twists and turns everywhere. This is a suspenseful story, and I wouldn’t say change any of it; just beware frazzling your readers’ brains.


*Crown* Suggestions
There were a couple of things that niggled at my reading flow.

No one knew where it had come from, but something […] away their only daughter last week. – the niggling point is ‘last week’. Positioned at the end of the sentence it feels like it takes a week to get there, and also a little out of place. I had to re-read the sentence to make sure I’d got it right. I would really recommend it get shifted to between ‘but’ and ‘something’ to state the timeframe earlier in the reading. But also… this loss of Ellie happened only a week before current events. That kind of feels too quick – does it give time for police to search the lake or for the townsfolk to begin to look at the Ruddingtons with suspicion?

Everyday, he would look out to the lake… – firstly, ‘every day’ rather than ‘everyday’ but also I think you need to use ‘Daniel’ rather than ‘he’. The paragraphs preceding this relate to the back-story about the loss, the police, the couples’ struggle. The ‘he’ sounds like it could be anybody, but ‘Daniel’ would reintroduce one of the main characters.

…happy families sharing their dinners. and You stole my happiness from me. – nothing wrong grammatically but these two sentences coming one after the other made me wonder who the ‘you’ is in Daniel’s speech. It reads like he means the ‘happy families’ – which is probably why I started being suspicious of the townsfolk. Maybe something like he growled to the water… would take care of that, directing where that comment lies.

…since she last saw him.. – since we’re back at Maryann’s point of view I think we need to have ‘Daniel’ or ‘her husband’ here. Otherwise, frankly, she could be waiting for the monster!


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is the type of story to make one even more wary around lakes! It’s heavily suspenseful and we don’t even get a good view of the monster; that in itself lends the monster more terror because the reader creates their own image. Yay! The emotions are clearly drawn and we understand why Daniel feels he must go on the hunt. Maryann’s right to be severely distressed, having witnessed the loss of her daughter in the first place but her final reaction/action shades her in a slight uneasy light. This is a brilliant closing cliff-hanger (and in fact the ending with the lake going still would have been a powerful closing cliff-hanger too). A clever story!


Kindest regards
Os


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
114
114
Review of Minor Key  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi ☮ The Grum Of Grums

I’m back with another House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " , this time for "Minor Key" .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This was one of the most depressing stories I’ve read in ages, and it was perfect! The story mirrored the log-line superbly, and is a warning to everyone – seize the moment. There were two ‘facts’ I thought very apt for adults – firstly, that we let go of our imagination as if we’re too adult to indulge (and we have multiple excuses/reasons for that letting-go); and secondly, we’re the authors of our own destiny. We may share our lives with others but we still have control of what happens or what doesn’t happen.

Those last lines made me want to slap this unnamed character! He knows where he has gone wrong in his life and yet he’s going to do nothing to right it, just settles for a sterile, monotonous future. He’s only sixty-five!! He’s retired, has time on his hands to make something more for himself but is going to settle for the path of least resistance, as he has always done. Grrrr. So, frankly, this was a great telling – making the reader feel for a character (good feelings or negative) is what we should all be striving for. It’s not often I want to shove someone off a cliff but I did this time!

This is a very sad rendition of a life destroyed by non-ambition and apathy. I would have been sad that a dreamer got looked down upon but that doesn’t seem to have been the reason for his nose-dive into mediocracy. He simply has no drive and doesn’t appear to care about that lack or about anything else. It’s other people’s faults if they fail to get along with him because he lacked real insight and so could never fathom the reasons for his own personal misery.

The story starts out cheerful – with a child full of freedom and imagination – but descends into depression half way through the fourth paragraph and gets ever darker and lifeless as we go on. The final words, which annoyed me so much, fit this mode too. They are just another illustration of this narrator’s sterile, monotonous life. It’s like we started the day with beautiful clear skies and shining sun, and ended it with a thunderstorm.

There was one moment when I felt sorry for the narrator – when he returns to the cove in his twenties and faces that moment of opportunity and doesn’t take it. But his imagination had been stunted by hours and days in front of dry accountancy texts, and panic took hold. This is heart-breaking. Yet, that feeling has long gone by the time he comes back and realises what has happened to his beloved cove.


*Crown* Suggestions
I was a bit puzzled by this line: This time he drove to a nearby village… Is this simply indicating that the visit to the cove is all him instead of his parents driving? If it’s not, then I didn’t quite get how ‘this time’ worked if it’s the first time he’s been back since the family holidays.

You have a duplication of ‘demonstrated’ when the narrator makes it back to the cliff after forty-three years. I normally don’t mind but this is a meaty word and I’m not sure it works so closely packed together. I like demonstrated forcibly as it packs a bit of a punch but the second one (caravans demonstrated it… could be replaced by ‘proved’ or ‘illustrated’.


*Crown* Closing Comments
For all my wanting to slap this character for his self-inflicted depressing life and going-nowhere-future, I liked this story. It’s a strong telling of how a life can play out, and a chunk of that strength is in making me want to slap the man! A reader should feel for the characters and their story and you hit that in spades. There were a couple of bits that I queried but overall, this is well written and, you know, I like that you didn’t deter from the log-line; the story could have sprung a happy ending on us but didn’t and that gives it a rounded, completed feeling.

And it makes me, now that I'm forty, take a look at where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. I have my hesitances too but once in a while we really have to take the bull by the horns and go for it.


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
115
115
Review of Teamwork  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi ☮ The Grum Of Grums

The awesome "King's Landing updating "  is in full swing and you’ve been chosen as a recipient of a review raid. This review of "Teamwork"  comes from fabulous House Stark.


*Crown* Reader Impressions
Teamwork, huh? Rather a hot topic right now, I’m sure, among the Houses of "Game of Thrones" . I note that this item was written during last year’s GOT and was probably totally apt then as it is now. And it is, of course, apt outside of Game of Thrones too *Smile*; too often we see people not pulling their weight in many aspects of their lives, and not seeing how teamwork is a way to be desired. I live with this at work; I have a team of three who sometimes can’t see the wood for the trees and help each other out. And they probably do so because, as with the case with Lisa, I haven’t yet managed to instil in them that there is no ‘I’ in team and that if one falls/fails we all do. However, simply telling someone this won’t work; you have to walk the walk as well as talk the talk.

Sam walks the walk. He’s the one in total frustration, who can see the family dynamic collapsing because of a particular family member. He reacts like anyone would – a sort of tit-for-tat that nobody would deny him – but beyond that he knows the value of working together and he’s willing to do whatever to ensure it happens. Of course, a lot of this is self-help so that he’s not doubled up with chores but mostly it’s to try and save his mum from her massive burden. His sense of family is deep and it’s nice to see him striving to keep it so.

It isn’t surprising that Sam makes a deal with his sister, however. Clearly direct attack and tit-for-tat don’t work with Lisa, but a deal to help her out is a better dangling carrot. It sometimes comes down to what we want most and what we’re willing to do to attain/maintain it. It’s a pity people have to almost be threatened or bribed into action but that’s often how things go. You’ve hit that nail on the head here!

We don’t get to see Lisa’s side of the story at all, don’t see any good light around her; she’s just a me-me-me teenager. So I thought it quite intriguing she was worried that Sam might not hold up his end of the deal and, to me, She just had to accept her brother’s willingness to help, something she probably imagined had never happened before. was quite telling. In reality, what has Sam done to instil a sense of trust and reliability? It doesn’t sound like he’s done anything and I can understand why she might query his motives now and his stability. Her come-backs to him about his jealousy etc actually make sense when you look at the story this way! (I found this a funny little hook; would love to see this story from Lisa’s point of view.)

I do follow the moral of this tale – teamwork helps!! At the end we’ve got better grades (than expected) from Lisa and a vote of thanks to Sam from his previously-quiet father. The family has pulled together into a sense of something stronger and tighter knit. Adversity, in any form, can destroy a team and so everyone must come together to mend the cracks and holes. And we can never think that someone else is going to pick up the slack. When I was reading this I was reminded of a ‘nobody’ story that I’d read years ago in a cookbook (of all places!!!). I googled it and here’s a link: http://www.columbia.edu/~sss31/rainbow/whose.job.h... Your story at least shows people taking responsibility!


*Crown* Suggestions
I liked that Sam had a strong sense of family and what was right, etc, but in his speech to Lisa I found him quite patronising (rather like Lisa did). He comes across stiff and adult-like. He’s only a few years older than Lisa and (I’m presuming) a teen-ager himself, yet he doesn’t really sound like one. He didn’t come across colloquial enough, if that makes sense. I’ll give two examples below that hopefully illustrate what I mean.

You know, or you damn well ought to, how much she.. – ‘damn well ought’ is what I see as the culprit here. I’d remove this; make it a straight-out statement here: You know how much… Give no option for an ‘out’; put the onus back on Lisa knowing what she’s doing rather than have Sam act out a ‘high horse’ moment.

If you’re prepared to do your own chores, and heaven knows, they’re not excessive, and show a little more… – I think Sam is trying to point a point here about his sister not even managing a very little amount of chores but it’s too waffly. Make the deal crystal clear: If you do your chores and show mum more respect, I’ll help you with your maths. That has a far more ‘take it or leave it’ impetus.

…made me realise I’d pushed a button. – this is when Lisa’s found the mess dumped on her bed. I’m picking on it only because when Sam dumped the mess on her bed he knew it would cause an angry response… so he doesn’t need to realise he’s pushed a button here; he knew it would. I think you could turn this sentence around a little to something like Bullseye, I thought when I heard her shriek of anger. We’re reminded of the earlier moment and you’re not doubling-up on telling us about the mess either. (By the way, his response when she comes out to confront him is just perfect!!)

white-anting – only querying what this actually means? Is it something like ‘dumbing down’ or ‘negating’?


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is the kind of tale that everyone needs to read, no matter their environment. People have to learn to work together and then work together. Sometimes that’s a difficult thing to achiever but as your story shows – the outcome/benefits often far outweigh the difficulties.


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
116
116
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

I’m back with another review on behalf of House Stark. This time for "Terminology and Resources" ; and, as usual, associated with "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
Well, you might think me totally weird for reviewing this piece about poetry, because I’m barely a poet and I rarely review poetry. I do, however, like to read poetry; just can’t make my brain act magically enough to write, outside of basic syllabic forms (like the tetractys and cinquain)!

And so when I saw this in your port, I had to read it and I found it very informative. I learned a lot of these terms in various English Lit classes and in fact I’ve kept my ‘Glossary of Terms’ from one of my classes, and refer to it now and then. However, when I read or write or review poetry all of that goes out the window, and I don’t feel qualified to do any of the three. This item sheds light on poetry mechanics, and provides extra resources at the bottom (to external webpages and to WDC members). I have made it a favourite so that it will be on hand whenever I make a foray into reviewing poetry.


*Crown* Suggestions
I did have issues with some of the formatting.

I’m by no means a digital person but when I’m on the web I’ve come to expect that something underlined – unless it is clearly just a heading – will be a hyperlink to more data. None of your underlined sections are links. The green headings look perfectly like headings but those in black could be confused for links. There are only so many ways one can individualise a heading and make it clear that it’s a heading but the colour you use helps with that and even a change in font size implies a heading. Basically, make it plain (or as plain as possible) to the reader what they’re seeing and can do.

Aside from the underlining of your first-section terms making me think they were links, I also thought they were highlighted too similarly to the real headings. The use of bold makes them visible enough (If not, then ‘consonance’ in the first section needs to be underlined to bring it in line with the others there. And why is the first section underlined and the second section not?), You’re probably trying to save space in this item, but I’d also recommend putting a space between each term. The centring of the information does make it visually appealing but a gap between the terms will generally make things easier to read, easier to skim down the list to find the term we’re after.


*Crown* Closing Comments
Well, for me, this was a quite a find. Normally I focus on reviewing novels or short stories but like to break out of my mould now and then to review out of my comfort zone – such as poetry or even forums. This little item of yours is going to go a long way in (re)educating me so that my poetry reviews are stronger and more informed. I often babble about how the poem made me feel, but with Terminology and Resources at my fingertips I can delve deeper into the mechanics and not feel quite like a dolt for doing so.


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
117
117
Review of Being First  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

I’m back with another review on behalf of House Stark. This time for "Being First" ; and, as usual, associated with "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This strikes a chord, as I’m sure all of the reviewers have said, and I think you’ve got it right. When we know someone personally the affect is much harder on us. This is a very sad tale, and reading this now it still sounds like you are in shock over the event. I think that should be absolutely no surprise at all. Some things are burned into our psyche.

But even when someone famous dies before their time (car accident or something like that) that is also a major shock. You might not know them personally but often they were such a big part of your exterior life that it’s hard to believe/come to terms with. It’s almost ‘but they’re famous! How did that happen?’ Almost like we expect them to be immortal. I don’t recall seeing the Challenger tragedy live, but even though I was just eleven I knew all about it because it had such a worldwide audience/interest. However, I watched with shock when Columbia blew up. I really hate watching live events like this now because of that minute possibility that something utterly horrible will go wrong. There’s a little bit of me that just can’t cope with that possibility. I live behind my eye-covering fingers.

You have put a very human front on this tragedy, reminding the reader that the astronauts aboard Challenger had lives and families and plans. It’s a very sad but moving tribute, and brought tears to my eyes – not just because of Christa’s loss but because of the loss felt by her friends and by the children, the not knowing what happened but knowing things would be different. It’s heart-wrenching. And it made me recall my visit to the Johnson Space Centre last year. We went on a tour of the site and stopped at a little park where there were two circles of trees – one commemorating those lost in the Challenger disaster and one for those lost with Columbia. Just trees, but I had to wipe tears away. It is heart-warming to know they will never be forgotten.


*Crown* Suggestions
You know what my only suggestion is? If these are your memories of that day, then write them as that. Don’t say it’s fiction based on fact or you’ll get people trying to tell you how to write it; and this piece shouldn’t really be subject to that sort of critique (beyond any spelling errors).


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is a beautiful piece of heart-felt writing. And for someone who likes history, this is also a fascinating read. I am distanced from the event so to get closer through first-hand accounts and memories means a lot; it makes Christa more than just a name and for that I am really glad.


Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
118
118
Review of Framing  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

I’m back with another review on behalf of House Stark. This time for "Framing" ; and, as usual, associated with "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This is a lovely story of someone trying to turn their life around and not going into meltdown when it’s not a smooth road. I think that’s a measure of a person – how they react to adversity.

Your Tommy is the kind of person we’d all like to know, full of humility, strength, loyalty, honesty. Even without Jimmy being portrayed perfectly as a pompous prat we’d be on Tommy’s side; we want the underdog to win. That you’ve made him worthy of winning just makes us like him more. It’s a really strong portrayal of a character, with appropriate backstory threaded through. Thought there seemed a speck of jealousy on Tommy’s part as we learned of Jimmy’s prowess, but that that was quite natural, and Jimmy’s actions make him a complete bozo in the end.

I like how this story is told. We open with Jimmy going to screw up Tommy’s opportunity before a short instance of back-story to set the scene. The whole fixing the barn section is a bit of a waffle and might not be overly understandable to the common reader but it does provide the basis for Tommy’s dedication and his value to Mrs Bennett. We’ve got him on his feet after this and thinking that all is going to be fine before he takes a second hit; and it’s now that we hear about his family and his drive to prove himself better than that, even with a broken arm.

Jimmy is a massive spanner in the works but Tommy refuses to lash out. He acts honourably, even in the supermarket. Well, that bit almost had tears come to my eyes. It’s horrible to think of the humiliation he must have felt even though he’d done nothing wrong. I just wanted to punch that rotten Jimmy’s face. (By the way, making a reader feel for a character scores big points with me *Smile*) And when Mr Thompson comes around with Gina we see more of that humility and quiet strength; Tommy is all about apology and honesty.

The attraction between Tommy and Gina felt a little out of the blue. Had he noticed her before, maybe, and thought her out of his ‘league’? Or did their attraction really only stem from the hours talking? I love it being here (I am a romance writer) but I’d like a little bit more reason for it.

Great closing lines! We get the feeling that Jimmy Rodgers is not going to win, and we’ve got proof again that Tommy is hardworking, loyal, determined. He’s supposed to start the next night but will show up straight away. I think Mr Thompson is about to find he has the best employee ever!


*Crown* Suggestions
Just some typos that need to be tidied up, along with a request for clarification.

I had busted trough… – I think you’re after ‘through’ here?

I took a dive off one of a roof truss… – I think this would read better if ‘one of’ were removed. We know there’s more than one truss, so you don’t need to state that he dives off ‘one of’ them.

they made poor choices… – capitalise ‘they’. By the way, this section dealing with Tommy’s father and grandfather is brilliantly told. We hear of hard times and stubbornness (it’s understandable how upset the grandfather is) and how things deteriorated to the point where Tommy’s father tries to drown his issues. It’s crystal clear Tommy is headed down this route too (and he says it later on with regards to being a bar fixture). We understand the strength Tommy has to muster to raise himself above this family history.

I addition to my work… – ‘In’ rather than ‘I’.

What are looking at? – sounds like a classic Jimmy-the-bully moment!! But you’re missing ‘you’ I think.

My son will be there to let you in. – love this piece from Mr Thompson – giving Tommy a job and a lifeline – but put a closing speech mark at the end.

Will he be there tonight?... – who is ‘he’? I thought maybe he meant Mr Thompson’s son but since he is going to be letting Tommy in, it can’t be him. Because of that, this is quite out odd.

…small packet of hamburg… – I am presuming this should be ‘hamburger’, since that’s how it was written early.

… we managed to bun away an hour or so… – ‘burn’ rather than ‘bun’.


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is a great story, and the title fits all aspects of it too; from the actual framing of the barn to Tommy framing his life with back-story snapshots. I also expected to see a little bit of Jimmy framing Tommy for something. We don’t see that but Jimmy does have Tommy in the frame for his needling! Can’t say I’ve seen a more apt title in ages. The typos don’t really distract from the reading because Tommy is such a strong character and the story is told so well, but they do need to be fixed, just to make this more perfect.


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
119
119
Review of River Run  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

I’m back with another review on behalf of House Stark. This time for "River Run" ; and, as usual, associated with "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
I chose this story because I remember when I did this PDG contest, and how I was hoping a flash of inspiration would hit me as I perused the photos. It did – eventually! I wish you’d been able to keep the photo that you wrote this story to. Was it rain? A river? People in canoes?

I loved the humour that’s apparent in this story! With the character not wanting his partner to show him up and Gabby cracking a joke about not wanting to break in a new partner. It was nice banter in a serious moment. The general conversation was also very natural. And the scary occurrence sounds like a ‘day in the life’ sort of thing that’s not so serious after all.

I was confused a little about what the pair were out to do, beyond taking the measurements, so I probably fuddled my way through the story, relying on you being able to describe events for my understanding. I think in the most part you did this okay, and you did describe the flash flood part well, right down to the character’s reaction. Man, it’s a job I’d never sign up for!!! I also liked how they made use of the natural resources afterward – using the water to get around taking photos of things that people wouldn’t normally see.

The ending was quite nice – that moment of ‘things didn’t quite go to plan but, hey, we’re alive so who cares?’ And, as I mentioned above, they benefited from the change of plan!


*Crown* Suggestions
This story vacillates between simple past tense and present tense, and I found that a bit jarring. This is most apparent in the paragraph beginning We were setting up at the bottle neck… I think you need to stick with the simple past tense here so that flow is steady. The constant swapping feels a bit like we’re being bashed by the wall of water.

Also watch out for repetitive statements. When the water is rushing down towards our two characters we actually get three instances of it and their reactions: Before we had a chance to register what was going on, we were under a wall of water…, followed in the next paragraph by The advancing wall of water hit like a freight train. Before we had time to react… which is followed in the next paragraph by My world had changed before I could register what was going on. I love the ‘freight train’ analogy but it’s buried by the repetition. I recommend merging these three paragraphs – explain the shock, explain the wall of water and what it does/sounds like, explain the reaction, explain the outcome (from the preparations) but don’t repeat anything.

The opening sentences made it sound like we’d get straight into what the character had never seen, but we don’t. It’s not until half way into the story (and the next day) that we understand what this statement means and I think that’s too late. You could still use both sentences; they’d fit with Gabby’s comment about the flash flood warning. The character’s thoughts could be in response to that news.

My stomach reached… – ‘reacted’ rather than ‘reached’ and this sentence also contains more repetition about registering what happened.

… surges tend to loose their force. – ‘lose’ rather than ‘loose’.

With the rest of the day a bust […] to enjoy the rest of the day. – another moment where you’re a bit repetitive. And, obviously, the rest of the day isn’t really a bust. You could do something like Unable to carry on with taking measurements, we did…

It’s Beautiful. – a little b here.

… and some times that’s all that counts. – ‘sometimes’ rather than ‘some times’.


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is an intriguing, suspenseful, and not a little bit scary, story. However it’s let down somewhat by the repetition and tense issues that keep the reader from finding an easy flow and understanding. I’ve got some suggestions up above but I’d also recommend reading the story out loud. Sometimes we don’t see issues but we hear them.


Don't hesitate to let me know if I need to clarify anything.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
120
120
Review of Jolene!  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

I’m back with another review on behalf of House Stark. This time for "Jolene!" ; and, as usual, associated with "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
A tough story to read. A lifetime of abuse only has a few outcomes when ‘too much’ has finally been reached. One might have expected suicide but Jolene is in fact a strong woman. She’s not had a great life but even so she won’t give it up, preferring to get rid of the cause of the bad life. It’s somewhat amazing that it doesn’t appear she has even thought along these lines before, but then again she’s probably been so busy trying to keep out of Ed’s way to have that cross her mind. And I guess she has her pride and sometimes that’s harder to break free from than anything else. The people at the hospital all but know something is going on and yet she won’t tell them, or can’t tell them. Some might say then that she has herself to blame for the continuing abuse but that’s harsh. You do what you do, and you’re the only one who knows.

We don’t see a lot of Jolene physically (hair, height, build etc), if at all, and that kind of helps portray her as simply a punching bag, unhuman, just a tool. It would have been interesting to have these things start to be revealed as she began to follow her plan. She is becoming a ‘real’ person rather than just a beer-deliverer and punching bag, fleshing out into someone who can live. Sounds like I’m being overdramatic here, I’m sure, but that’s just how I see what this decision does for her, and I’d have like to have seen it actually portrayed too.

I like how we start at the ‘end’ but get the backstory. We know how Jolene and Ed have reached this point in time, and understand how she has reached her limit. For a speck, I felt momentarily sorry for Ed. He’s not helped himself but it must be a hell of a shock to suddenly be cut off from work, no matter how it happens. I had thought, originally, that a lot of his brutality might have stemmed from his time in Vietnam (PTSD etc) but you don’t mention that at all, nor how he might be bitter over the loss of his sporting future. Mind you, it’s easier to blame atrocious behaviour on someone else and Jolene is right there.

By the end of the story I think most people would be on Jolene’s side. She does come across calm and cool but this can be attributed, I expect, to her finally reaching a way out for herself rather than cold-bloodness.


*Crown* Suggestions
I’m one of those readers who takes particular note of dates, times and timeframes. Getting things out of line is amazingly easy to do but not always easy to pick up. I know what dates should be when I’m writing but sometimes I get it wrong and don’t ‘see’ it. Your section about the pregnancy pricked at me, and it all comes down to the fact that it’s only a few weeks since Ed’s return that Jolene finds out she’s pregnant. Can someone know in that short amount of time, or is ‘a few weeks’ longer that I think that denotes (no more than three)? Because of that short timeframe I automatically read it as Jolene being pregnant to someone else! Guess I’d like a bit of clarification here. And later in the story, when Jolene is taking her pain pills, we learn that 2.5 weeks ago she had cracked ribs and a fractured arm. Is the arm still in a cast (or in whatever they brace arms with these days)? I’d have expected so but she’s not acting like she has issues (with the ribs either). If she’s still in pain she doesn’t really show it. The pills could just be going down without ‘reason’ now but if she’s still got the injury issues, illustrate them. Ram home how she’s come to this moment in time when she decides to use the pills on Ed. Perhaps she wavers and then looks at the cast, or feels a twinge, and that steels her mind?

There’s a couple of places where we’re suddenly in Ed’s POV (where we learn that he thinks everything is her fault and near the end when he figures she’s learned her lesson about beer delivery). It’s intriguing to get his side but there’s no clear swap between Jolene’s general POV and his, and it jars a little as we try to figure out where we are. I’d recommend you turn the few moments of Ed’s POV back into Jolene’s; it’s her story, after all. This is just one way you might re-do the latter: Cans ten and eleven were delivered on time, and Jolene was sure Ed simply figured she’d learned her lesson after the kitchen incident.

His voice carried through the house, and sent shivers up and down her spine every time he would yell. – I think you could remove ‘every time he would yell’. That’s expected, in any case, but I think the sentence packs a bigger punch without it.

The front of his paints were stained… – ‘pants’ rather than ‘paints’.


*Crown* Closing Comments
A difficult story, well told. We’re left without doubt about Jolene’s life and her final actions, and I think everyone probably mostly wonders how she has managed to hang on thus far! You know what I’d like to see? A sort of sequel, a ‘life after Ed’ kind of thing. Does Jolene cope (with what she has done and with the sudden freedom?) What does she do? Just a thought *Smile*


Best wishes,
Osirantinous


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Review of Coffee Shop  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

"King's Landing updating "  is in full swing and you’ve been chosen as a recipient of a review raid. This review of "Coffee Shop"  comes from the Paper Doll Gang’s House Stark.


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This is a lovely little story, but one that leaves many things unanswered (well, for inquisitive readers such as I). We often see people off in their own world but I don’t think many of us actually contemplate what that ‘world’ might be like. Do we even contemplate it when we’re in that world ourselves??? For me, I’m usually in my writing world, walking along with characters or trying to find the wording that will make a sentence shine. Occasionally, that world is as described here – whirling thoughts going round and round in space, trying to latch onto something that’s just there. It’s like something caught out of peripheral vision but when you turn to look, nothing’s there.

Drawing the woman into this extra world via the swirls in her drink is just the sort of natural way this might happen. How many of us have stared at those or even rain running down a window and entered the ‘portal’ that way? It’s beautifully written and very easy to ‘see’. The reader becomes a bit like her – intent on her world, yet feeling the mug and hearing the occasional chink of cutlery etc. We can feel/imagine/see this all very easily. And I think we can connect so easily with the woman because we’ve all done what she is doing, including in public.

We have no idea what this woman is searching for in her interstellar world but know that she has found it once. That’s how she knows it’s out there to be found. Our question is ‘what is she after?’ Hers is ‘where did I find it last time?’ We never find out what ‘it’ is but I expect most people will not find that an issue. Lots of times we’re searching for things we can’t put a name to.

I think you describe her world and her reactions just perfectly. Interruptions do filter in and we try to push them back, resent their intrusion, while struggling to keep a grasp on our other world (and usually an interruption is just when we’re about to grab whatever it is we’ve been after). Her response that she’s okay, was just…. Well, that’s what we all say and often trail off. How do you describe what you were doing? We try to keep it to ourselves, I think. Her companion’s concern is rather typical too, though I expect he’s probably used to it.

You added a twist, though, which I thought was really neat. A twist to me anyway. One might expect that the woman simply assimilates back into the ‘real’ world and converses with her partner like nothing has been going on. But she doesn’t. Even if she has shrugged off her other world, what was bothering her within it is still bothering her now. It’s quite a cliff-hanger ending, if you ask me, and unexpected but nice.


*Crown* Suggestions
I found a couple of sections that puzzled me and they’re really just here to ask for clarification.

She was still lost in time, but place was returning… – ‘place’ puzzled me. I had thought this sentence might be a bit of a play on ‘time and place’ but it still doesn’t make sense to me even so. I presume ‘place’ simply denotes that reality (including a physical placement) is kicking in. If so, then I would suggest using ‘reality’ instead just so the reader understands.

The voice was familiar, in more than one sense of the world. – did you mean ‘world’ here or ‘word’? The reader would be expecting ‘word’, generally, and when I read this sentence that’s how I’d been starting to read it. Reaching ‘world’ made me go back and re-read the sentence to see if I missed something. In actual fact I think ‘world’ works too, sort of sends the reader off into thinking of other worlds and other sorts of senses but I’m not sure that’s what you were after??

A left hand shifted from the mug… – the woman has one left hand. Using the indefinite article makes it sound a bit like she’d lifted one hand and had two more left hands still holding the mug. You could keep the indefinite ‘A’ if you removed ‘left’. Do we need to know which hand moved? If it’s a bit vague and still sort of sleepy then ‘a hand’ might convey that more appropriately.


*Crown* Closing Comments
I liked this story. You did a great job of showing that world within a world that we all have, and how we react when we’re drawn out it. The ending provides a little more intrigue, makes the reader wonder what is going on with the woman that it affects her outside of the inner world. Also makes the reader go ‘what is the question?’, so you keep us engaged with the story too.


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
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122
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

The awesome "King's Landing updating "  is in full swing and you’ve been chosen as a recipient of a review raid. This review of "Rethinking Technology"  comes from fabulous House Stark (aka Paper Doll Gang).


*Crown* Reader Impressions
I was rather surprised to see that this article had not received any reviews! Maybe the youthful are scared of what you say. And perhaps they should be; they have grown up in a technical, digital world and rely on that to live their lives. I remember when we were happy with two TV channels, when us kids played out on the street with the neighbourhood kids (wow, back when it was normal to know our neighbours!). We got a Commodore 64 in the mid-eighties, that played games either on a giant floppy disk or through a tape deck and cell phones were WAAAYYY in the future. We knew how to write by hand, we knew how to spell, and we knew how to actually talk with people. Technologies back then helped people – the spinning washing machine verses the wringer, for example, but today they’re making us robots. Homo sapiens is the most clever of all living things? I doubt it, and the problem is with each year we’re making it worse. OMG, I’m going into my own rant.

Sorry, right, your last paragraph lists two of the main issues surrounding technology. The first is the cost of keeping up. I hear people with I Phones have to keep upgrading to the newest phone because updates can’t be loaded onto ‘older’ models, even if that model is only a year old. And the models are not cheap. You point out the astronomical price of ovens and other appliances that now have ‘old fashioned’ technologies that are brilliant, but that we have to pay extra for. How is that reasonable? And, it’s not like we’re earning more in order to cover the cost of these technologies that we once had or that we don’t really need. As you rightly ask: … is this growth sustainable? (I didn’t really see your opinion stated clearly on this question, though.)

Your second point is more valid and far more serious, in my opinion. Technology is making us dumb, and putting us out of a job! I work for a university and we have third year students (early twenties) who can’t spell or string sentences together. Twitter, texting – these things don’t care about normal speech and their very format forces you to dumb yourself down. While I might write L8 for ‘late’ I pedantically write out everything else. I’m educated, I’m intelligent; I kind of want people to know it!! I do admit that I am being dumbed down by my computer. I lost the ability to use my mouse one day and I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember the keyboard shortcuts to do the most simple things when, once, that was all I had! Job losses come with technology too. They’re supposed to make our lives easier but they’re there to increase production. More production = more sales = more profit. Except it also puts people out of work, and then they’re no longer able to help boost those sales. It’s a bit of vicious circle, and there’s nobody to blame but ourselves – we drive the technology advances without the means to take any sort of control and have nothing in place for when it goes pear-shaped.

I’m not adverse to technology: I love my cell phone because it provides a sense of security for me whenever I’m out and about. It has internet and all that jazz but I use it for phone calls, texting (cause it’s cheaper in most cases than ringing) and taking photos because I don’t carry my camera around with me. I do appreciate Facebook because it has put me back in touch with old friends and of course I love the internet because I can now access things for my study that I could never hope to otherwise. But I have my limits. That is probably because I’m a seventies child and lived with less technology (quite successfully in fact). I can see where we’re going wrong, but the younger set don’t know any different. If we want to change the world, we have to change them first. Get the point across that they need to be able to live without technology; if for no other reason than what you’ve already mentioned: Technology is great … until the day it no longer works.


*Crown* Suggestions
I spotted a couple of typos, but otherwise I have no problem with the structure of this article. When you’re writing your own opinion/thoughts, who can quibble about how you write it?

… even though they have not used in in three or four years. – first ‘in’ needs to be ‘it’.

… only encourages us to through them away. – ‘throw’ rather than ‘through’.

I did wonder about ‘teeter tauter’ as I’d expect to see ‘teeter totter’ but that just may be the difference in country spelling!!


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is an article that more people should read; it really gets the blood pumping and thoughts flowing. World focus is often on war and poverty, as it should, but technology is another thing that is becoming a blight. And it links with war and poverty in many ways. I loved reading this article, Turtle, loved finding someone else who thinks there’s an issue!! It’s certainly not drivel, and I would like to see if you’ve got any further opinions now that we’re almost three years from the date of creation, whether or not your opinion has changed over time, or if your writing group is now using Twitter!


Many kind regards,
Osirantinous


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123
Review of The Bridge  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Angus

It is my pleasure to be spoiling you on your birthday with a House Stark review of "The Bridge" . It is, as usual, for "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This has to be one of the creepiest stories I’ve read and there’s not even any out and out blood, guts, gore, ghosts or anything that would send a shiver up a spine in the usual fashion. No, this is much worse; it’s all about premeditation and out-in-the-open premeditation at that! Joey is all but told that if he crosses the bridge he’s gonna get eaten (a plot as openly revealed as I’ve ever seen), but he’s told so innocently he thinks nothing of it. The best evil plans are those laid in plain sight!!

And the reader got as much of a shock as poor Joey did with the ending. We might have suspected the troll story was true but I’m not sure anyone would quite think Tim has such a major role in it! Well, this reader didn’t, and the surprise made Tim’s apology for the lack of a ‘fat feed’ extra creepy and callous.


*Crown* Suggestions
I’m not entirely sure why Joey asks ‘What’s that over there?’ when he’s pointing to the brick path. It’s a brick path; what more is there to it? Maybe he should ask ‘Where does that lead?’?

I know a logical reader would be able to identify who is saying what but I was minutely puzzled with the ‘See?’ If we’re going in Joey, Tim, Joey, Tim, Joey, Tim order then that ‘See?’ looks, in the first instance, as if it belongs to Tim because the previous section is about Joey. Long ramble… but I’d like to have ‘See?’ stuck up on the same line as Joey’s hesitant steps.

... and dragged the screaming child back under the bridge. – I’m probably not going to explain this too well but this sentence starts off with Joey as the subject (as ‘he’ and ‘him’) and ends with him as the object (the ‘screaming child’); it makes the whole thing read a little awkwardly. I’m including a re-write suggestion only because I hate saying that something seems wrong without offering a solution: But as soon as he reached the middle, the troll jumped out, grabbed him around the waist and dragged him, screaming, back under the bridge. The troll remains secondary through-out.


*Crown* Closing Comments
Well, I can see why this won The Daily Flash Fiction when it was entered! It’s a wickedly neat story, with a stunning ending. Though I do have some queries they didn’t really stop my reading enjoyment and certainly didn’t prevent my appreciation of how well you spin a tale.


Best wishes,
Osirantinous


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Review of A Sandy Funeral  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Angus

It is my pleasure to be spoiling you on your birthday with a House Stark review of "A Sandy Funeral" . It is, of course, for "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
Love to see that not all of your short stories have a horror bent to them, and I’m not at all surprised that you write non-horror just as well as that genre! Though… this one has a possible ‘what’s going on here? Is he really innocent?’ sort of feel to it. You keep up that suspense right to the end when the reader realises that the buried Sandy is a dog.

Angus, I love that you give your all to every story no matter the size of it. Each story is complete, and this littlie is no different; it has a full arc. You’ve got fabulous opening lines that catch the reader’s attention, a great middle with some back-story and conflict (mostly on the reader’s part as to your innocence), and a perfect ending that ties the story together. I like how you take us on a ride through several different emotions and involve us directly in the plot, correcting our thoughts (because we’ve all pretty much been thinking them, even if the tag line of the story says the narrator is not the killer!).


*Crown* Suggestions
This is probably not something you can do easily without giving away the sneaky plot, but I would have liked to read why Sandy’s eyes were beautiful. If they melted the narrator’s heart then they should take more of a role in the story.

I also wonder how it took three hours to dig a grave in sand. I know the duration adds strength to the suspense, but I didn’t think sand was that difficult to dig so it reads just a little iffy.


*Crown* Closing Comments
Besides my queries/suggestions above, I still think this is a wonderful little story and a great example of how you can pack so much plot and suspense in just a few hundred words!


Happy Birthday *Cake*!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


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125
Review of The Deal  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Angus

It is my total pleasure to be spoiling you on your birthday with a House Stark review of "The Deal" . It is, of course, for "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
When I read your opening lines I was reminded of a couple of comments in both The Daily Slice and Screams contest forums on how ‘surprising’ it was that an open prompt always garnered more entries. Difficult, I think, for the judges to base a coherent ‘best’ judgement on very random pieces but good for the contestants. Sometimes!! You’ve hit the nail on the head. As much as we like to think an open prompt will open the flood gates, sometimes all that floods is in nothingness, followed by panic.

I am rather of the opinion, having read this funny little tale, that when my muses are absent I should not call them back, and I certainly should not make bargains with them. I so loved how you managed to combine ‘supernatural’ (the muse part) with reality (the panicked writer doing what they must in order to write) into a scary, funny and moral tale! I also think you’ve done the most perfect job of illustrating the bargain! I’m kind of reminded of those poems that are written in the shape of the thing they’re about. This story works on that same premise with the spelling and typing faltering as the digits reduce in number and the amount of blood flows quicker. A muse can be a hard taskmaster, as you found out!

Interestingly, you never actually mention the exact details of the deal that you’ve made, so the reader must presume that the muse is giving ideas in return for blood in a sort of ‘no pain, no gain’ deal. At 212 and two fingers down, it’s a pretty bum deal and you are beginning to regret. I kind of like the fact that you’re obviously honourable enough to soldier on *Smile*

I loved Hey, you can always take a toe, Angus. in response to Angus’ ‘complaint’ his loss of fingers is going to hinder him. And the final condescending-yet-caring comment from the muse is just a perfect ending to the story.


*Crown* Suggestions
Well, you’re quite sneaky here, you know. The spelling errors that creep in early could be part of the plot or could be straight out spelling errors! The reader is probably ready to nit-pick and then, wham, they see what the problem is. And you know what? The story is still perfectly readable, so who cares about spelling! We can’t see the blood, can’t smell it, can’t see the gruesome line-up of digits but we can see the result and it’s brilliant.


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is a wonderful little story, one of truckloads in your port. It’s amusing and horrible all in one, with the very way the story is told illustrating the plot so much better than straight out description can. You don’t say, but I hope this won that particular round. I’d hate to see what your muse did if you didn’t!!

Happy Birthday!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


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