Hi, Jeannie Cheering for Martel . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" .
My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story, and the photograph fit it perfectly. From the genre and the description, I expected it to be more suspenseful, but I loved the happy ending. I have been reading a lot of horror stories lately and, although I love that genre, it's nice to read a heartwarming story such as this, especially during this time of year.
Although I usually read stories shorter than this, this one held my interest throughout. The characters were likable and interesting, and you handled their interactions well. I like the way the children resembled their ancestors in the photographs, and the way the characters found out not only who lost the photograph, but also about the people in the photo, was very clever!
My Suggestions: This is something rather petty, but I found it worth mentioning. In the second paragraph, you say, "I found it walking along..." At first glance, it appears that Jackie was saying the photograph was walking. I could consider changing it to "I found it when I was walking along..."
In the fourth paragraph, you forgot to put the opening quotes before "Thanks". In that same paragraph, I think "Allen Wiese came to mind; her friend who was now a semi-retired photographer" would sound better if rearranged as "Allen Wiese, her friend who was now a semi-retired photographer, came to mind. In the following sentence, "He's" should be "He'd" since you're telling the story in past tense.
In the tenth paragraph, you added an 'h' to "Ronda" (spelling it Rhonda). In that same paragraph, you say "Come over when she can" when it should be "Come over when you can". A couple of paragraphs later, "desk" shouldn't be capitalized. A couple of paragraphs later, you put an 'h' in "Rhonda" again. In fact, you alternate between "Rhonda" and "Ronda" throughout the rest of the story.
In the paragraph that begins "Allen was seated...", in the last sentence of that paragraph, "he" shouldn't be capitalized in "he said". Five paragraphs later, "documents and take them" should be "documents and taken them". Eight paragraphs later, in the sentence, "I think we can help each other out you", the word "you" should be omitted at the end of that sentence. Ten paragraphs later, you say "they both sat down together on the couch". I would omit either "both" or "together" because they're repetitive. In the next sentence, I believe the word "her" should be omitted.
A few paragraphs later, where you say "inform us of a serious car accident, that Allison died on impact", I think it would sound better as "inform us of a serious car accident in which Allison died on impact. In the following sentence, the comma after "shock" isn't needed. Four paragraphs later, there should be closing quotation marks after "meet them". In the next paragraph, you introduce a quote by saying "she said", but then you said "Susan said" at the end of the quote. You don't need the "Susan said". A few paragraphs later, "be so thrill" should be "be so thrilled". In the next paragraph, "excited" is spelled incorrectly.
Three paragraphs later, you say "They thrilled us...", but since none of the story is written in first person, I was unclear as to whom "us" referred. Similarly, near the end of the story, you refer to "our stunned faces", but the story is in third person narrative, so this doesn't make sense.
Overall: Thank you for sharing this heartwarming story. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to visiting your port again soon!
|