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Review of Derailed  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" .*UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I was trying to find a story in your port that didn't have many reviews, and I had a difficult time doing so. Since this one only had two reviews, I opted for it. I recently reviewed a story in someone else's port that was written from the same prompt, and it was amazing to see the different paths that two different writers took. I think first person narrative suited this story, and your descriptive writing made it easy for me to picture the scenes and the characters as I read the story.

I think the title you chose was perfect, and the action packed story kept me on the edge of my seat throughout. From one close call to the next, I was rooting for the narrator, and I found myself sighing in relief as she escaped yet another incident. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and interesting story with a limited word count from a prompt, but you make it seem effortless. Even though I was hoping for a happy ending and thought that maybe it was all a dream, I loved the way you chose to end it. You really set it up for a sequel if you chose to do so, and I wish you would, because I'm dying to know what's so important about the coded message!

I did find it somewhat difficult to believe that a woman who was already fearing for her life would give a strange man that she called (Karl) instructions on how to get to her. Nevertheless, it didn't detract from the story. Just something I noticed.

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My Suggestions: The word "Adventure" is spelled incorrectly in the prompt. In the first sentence, I would omit the comma after "me" as I think the sentence would read more fluidly without the break there. At the end of the second paragraph, I would insert a question mark. I would have it as ?! so you it will still convey surprise as well. I see you do just that a few paragraphs later. In the third paragraph, how do you know the man was in his forties? Maybe you could say "a man who appeared to be in his forties"? In the paragraph in which the stranger exited the train, I would omit the comma after "although".

A couple of paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "Without a single thought", and I would insert a hyphen between "half closed". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "With trembling fingers". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "On the last page". In the next paragraph, "it's old wrapper" should be "its old wrapper" as "it's" is a contraction for "it is". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "in hand". and change "of my forehead" to "off my forehead".

Several paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "As I rounded the corner", and I would change "notice" to "noticed" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. I would omit the word "in" from "in any minute". A couple of paragraphs later, I would set "in the next second" off with commas. In that same paragraph, "one the heavy raincoats" should be "one of the heavy raincoats". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "within a few seconds". In the next paragraph, "hands tided" should be "hands tied". In the next paragraph, I would change the comma to a question mark after the questions are asked.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent short story. I can definitely see why I had such a hard time finding something in your port with few reviews, because your writing is excellent. I can't wait to read more!

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*



SAJ Rainy Night by Aqua -- Group Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Jeannie Cheering for Martel . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" .*UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: This is a great short story. As I was reading, I was thinking that I sometimes have days just like the one June was having. But as I got closer to the end, I realized that this humorous story has a much deeper meaning. What we perceive as being put together, others may see as standoffish. Every now and then, we need to allow others to see us as human and stop trying so hard to impress. After all, sometimes the best impressions are those that show others that we're approachable.

You have a terrific storytelling ability. From the first paragraph, I was riveted, anxiously awaiting the next catastrophe that poor June would encounter. With your descriptive writing, I could easily imagine the frazzled woman on the bike, pedaling with one shoe while trying to avoid the dogs, neighbors, teenagers and cops. The photo you chose for your port to describe the story was perfect. And I love the way you turned a lighthearted story into one that delivered a pivotal message.

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My Suggestions: In the sixth paragraph, I would omit the comma after "trying out for". It unnecessarily breaks the sentence. In that same paragraph, "halfway" doesn't need to be hyphenated. In the next paragraph, "elm" doesn't need to be capitalized. Several paragraphs later, I would omit the comma after "At least" and insert a comma after "and" so that "giving one more look back" is set off with commas.

In the next paragraph, "continue" should be "continued". In the next sentence, I wouldn't hyphenate "teenage". In the next paragraph, "then she'll be" should be "then she'd be" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In that same paragraph, I would change "stop on a red light" to "stop at a red light". In the next paragraph, you say "Feeling very proud of herself, June started humming to herself..." I think the word "herself" is overused there. And alone on a bike, whom else would she be humming to? I would omit "to herself" from the sentence. In the next sentence, I would move "too late" from its current position to the end of the sentence. A few paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "She pushed off once more".

In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Getting off the elevator". A few paragraphs later, I would change "I apologize on" to "I apologize about". I'd insert a comma after "On the way here". A couple of paragraphs later, I'd change "Stan, who is so..." to "Stan, who was so..." because the rest of the story is in past tense. In the next paragraph, I would change "became my worse" to "became my worst" and "don't let it show" to "didn't let it show" (past tense). A few paragraphs later, I'd change "she'll be fine when she can" to "she'd be fine when she could", again because of present tense/past tense issues. In the third-from-last paragraph, you need to insert open quotes before Amy's statement.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this well-written and interesting short story. I really enjoyed reading it and found that it conveyed an excellent message. I will definitely be checking out more of your work!

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SAJ Rainy Night by Aqua -- Group Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Monday Morning  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story from the variety of items in your port because I didn't think anyone could hate Mondays as much as I do. After reading this, I realize I have met my match! I think true experiences make the best stories, and if this one wasn't true, you're an even better writer than I thought. This is a terrific story, full of things that could easily happen to me. I'm sure that most of us can relate to the rush to get dressed and get to work on Monday morning only to have every little thing go wrong. You captured that scenario perfectly!

I particularly like the way you started the piece with the question about waking and realizing you have a couple of hours left to sleep. Oh, how many times I have done that...and proceeded to oversleep. And I can't count the times that I've made it out the door in time to get to work with seconds to spare only to get held up by an unforeseen circumstance like the fender bender in your story. I couldn't decide whether to sympathize or chuckle, so I did a little of both as I read this story.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second sentence, I would set "of course" off with commas. In the following sentence, I would insert a comma after "door". In the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "The night before". In the following sentence, the period after "ironed" should be a comma. Later in that paragraph, "oatmeal" is one word. In the third paragraph, I would insert a comma after "well". Near the end of the fourth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "One by one" and another after "hair" in that same sentence. In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "counter" to the word "and".

In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, I would omit the word "had". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "Of course". In that same sentence, "spend and extra" should be "spend an extra". Same sentence, "make up" should be "makeup". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "minutes". In that same sentence, I would omit the word "what". In the last sentence, "I would be" should be "I will be".

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Overall: I thoroughly enjoyed this humorous account of a Monday morning that could have been written from one of my similar experiences. Thanks for sharing this great story. I will definitely check out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Myrna Opray  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Pug Girl ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: You pack a lot of information in a rather short story. From learning about the mother you never knew to running from the tall, strange man and finally to being safe in your mother's arms, you take the reader through a myriad of emotions.

I like that you wrote the story in first person narrative. It made it easier for me to sympathize with all of the changes the narrator was experiencing in such a short time. Finding out you have a famous mother was stressful enough, but add to that the fact that you found out during one of her performances with the entire audience as witnesses, and that increases the stress level significantly. Finally, dodging the paparazzi and having a weird man following you around was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I'm glad the story ended on a positive note.

I could easily see this story as the first of a series in which the narrator grows up to be an opera singer like her mother. I'm sure you could think of many obstacles for her to face along the way!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: You go back and forth between present and past tense throughout the story. For instance, the first three paragraphs are past tense. The fourth paragraph is present tense. In some paragraphs, a few of the sentences are past tense and a few are present tense. I suggest that you stay with one throughout the story to improve flow and reduce confusion.

In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "car". The second sentence is a sentence fragment. This could be remedied by combining the first and second sentences. In the second paragraph, rather than have one long, run-on sentence, I would start a new sentence with each instance of "If only..." In the last sentence of that paragraph, the comma should be after "ago" instead of after "yet". In the third paragraph, "who I did not know" should be "whom I did not know". In the seventh paragraph, you have a run-on sentence - "My legs were starting to cramp up." should be a separate sentence. In the next sentence, "who I decided" should be "whom I decided".

The last part of the story was very confusing for me. It was as if Lina had regressed to early childhood with her actions, though the rest of the story continues. In one paragraph, she just found out about her mother. In the next, she has known her for years, yet she seems younger instead of older. I suggest you take a look at it for possible clarification.

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Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a thorough edit. Thank you for sharing this enjoyable read. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*




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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Starlight Murder  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Amanda ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: I especially enjoy stories that are based on true events, and this one is no exception. The way you interspersed the song lyrics with the story was a stroke of brilliance. I was amazed by how fitting the lyrics were with what was taking place in the story. The ending is somewhat haunting with the realization that the pedestrian is dead and the all-too-fitting song lyrics. I'm terribly sorry that you had to witness such a gruesome event, and I hope writing the story helped you to better deal with it.

This piece really goes to show that we can never be too safe and should always expect the unexpected. Your joy of leaving work on a Friday evening was quickly overshadowed by a horrible wreck caused by a drunk driver. The way you described the headlights of the car as it drove over the woman's body made it easy for me to picture the scene. I could almost hear the thud. You provided such a vivid description of the woman's body, I could see the grotesque distortions. I know I will think twice before I walk anywhere near a busy roadway.

It is obvious that the events of that night changed you. Not only will you never be able to forget what you experienced and say, but you will always remember the dangers of drunk driving. Thanks to your story, all of your readers will remember it, too. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I think the first two sentences would work better in the story's description than in the story itself. Throughout the story, you change tenses for no apparent reason. For instance, before the first verse of the song, it's past tense. After the verse, it's present tense for two sentences and then goes back to past tense. I would suggest changing it so that the entire story is told in past tense.

In the first sentence, I would insert the word "and" before"the stereo..." Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence. In the second sentence, I would change "being a Friday" to "since it was Friday". In the sentence "The car still continued to accelerate," I would omit "still" because I think "still continued" sounds redundant. When you made a list of four things after your mind slowed down, three of them were complete sentences. "Emergency lights turned on" is not. I would change it to "Turn emergency lights on." A few paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "Surprisingly". Later, "it's stomach" should be "its stomach" since "it's" is a contraction for "it is".

In the sentence, "Her shoes that had flown...", I would omit the word "that". Otherwise, it's a sentence fragment. Finally, what do you mean by "weed bag"? I have my ideas, but it doesn't seem to fit well in the context.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this true story and for providing the much needed message about driving under the influence. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*




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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, MaRiSsA<3 ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: You did a terrific job of describing the restlessness in the audience and the chaos backstage before just about any performance. I liked the way you began by talking about the crowds but then focused on one particular performer. I also liked the what the entire atmosphere changed when the ballerina was performing. Everyone was quiet, and she was the star, the focal point. The story ended perfectly, letting the reader know that a lot of hard work had gone into her performance and that she was proud and relieved after it was over.

Your descriptive writing style allowed me to easily visualize the story as it was taking place. I could almost feel the impatience in the audience, the nerves backstage and the adrenaline rush of the performer. Although the story was rather short, it was complete, and it conveyed a positive message: hard work pays off.

My Suggestions: You began the story in present tense and quickly changed to past tense for no apparent reason. For instance, the first and second sentences are present tense. Half of the third sentence is past tense and the rest of it is present tense. The fourth sentence is present tense. The change in tenses continues like this throughout the story. I suggest you change the entire story to either past or present tense to improve the story's flow and to avoid confusion.

The second sentence is a sentence fragment, because it has no verb. I suggest changing it to, "Together, they impatiently await the..." to remedy this. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Backstage". A few sentences later, I would insert a comma after "On the other side". In the third paragraph, I'd change "curtain arises" to "curtain rises". In the last sentence, "hadn't back down" should be "hadn't backed down".

Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. I really enjoyed the read and can't wait to check out more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Moonlight  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, SilentSongsOfSadness ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your short story on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: This is a very inspiring story, reminding us not to give up on something we love just because we are criticized. You managed to pack a lot of emotion into such a short piece, from fear and doubt to joy and contentment. I'm sure that most piano players can easily relate to forgetting everything while playing the piano. You described the emotional aspect of playing perfectly.

Although it may be difficult to realize at first, we learn a great deal about Sullen in a few short paragraphs. We learn of her desire to play the piano despit her fear of criticism. We learn of her obedience to her mother and hesitancy to let even her mother hear her play. And finally, we learn of her overcoming her fears and allowing herself to get lost in the joy of making music. Great job!

My Suggestions: There are a lot of sentence fragments throughout this piece. While I understand having one every so often for a particular reason, in this case, at least for me, it detracted from the story. For instance, in the last paragraph, "The softness putting tears on her cheeks." is an incomplete sentence. The next sentence, "Her fingers moving gracefully up and down the piano." is incomplete as well. There are several ways you could remedy this, one being changing the participle to a verb and combining sentences, such as "The softness of the music put tears on her face as her fingers moved gracefully up and down the piano."

In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "at" so that "much less looked at" is set off with commas. The first word of the third sentence ("She") should be capitalized. In that same sentence, I would change "all the black and white 88 keys" to "all 88 black and white keys" to make it read more fluidly. In the second paragraph, I would change "It's been four years" to "It'd been four years" since the rest of the story is in past tense. In the next sentence, "5" should be written out as "five". In the second sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Hesitating".

Overall: This is a good short story that would be even better after a quick edit. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Joey's Spring has Sprung . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: First of all, I love the photos and think they are very helpful in allowing the reader to visualize the different parts of the story. This is the first time I have seen a story contain so many pictures, and I think it works well. Next, let me tell you that I think this story was excellent. But because you specifically asked for reviews and critiques of this piece, this review may seem overly critical.

I couldn't help but wonder, is there a particular reason the husband's vows were to love, honor and cherish while the wife's vows were to love, honor and obey? It just struck me as odd. Also, Jack and Michelle weren't really married since Michelle only filed for divorce in Vegas. She was legally still married to Dennis. Also, she would have to file in the state that at least one of them lived. So if they were married in LA, they'd have to be divorced in LA or, in some cases, the state where they were domiciled (where they resided). And if she was running for her life, would she really take the time to stop and file for divorce? Leave it to me to fret about the small details. And I'm sorry - I just graduated law school in May, so I had to get some of that useless info out there.

I loved the irony in that the man Michelle trusted to protect her was the one she should have actually feared. It didn't appear that Dennis had done anything to her specifically, so she would have been much better off taking her chances with him. I assume that Jack and Michelle had a whirlwind romance and marriage. Maybe you could mention in dialogue between the characters that they had only known each other for weeks, months or whatever. Also, I wondered why Michelle had never seen Jack's estate before. Where had he been living since she had known him? And where had she been living? I know there isn't a lot of room for detail in a story with such a limited word count, but these are just some of the questions that came to mind as I read the story.

*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: In the fourth paragraph, "Is this fair to him" should end with a question mark. The sixth paragraph should end with a question mark after the question of how could Dennis find out she was in Florida. I would change "Danish and OJ are worn off" to "Danish and OJ have worn off." Five paragraphs later, I would change the semicolon after "not going to be there" to a comma. In the next paragraph, the colon between "clothes on" and "no reason" should be a semicolon. In the next paragraph, I would insert a period after "anyway," and start a new sentence with "She stays..." A few paragraphs later, I'd change "You looked worried" to "You look worried".

In the paragraph just before the photo of the house, I would end one sentence with "...surprised Michelle." and start another with "Circled by ancient live oaks, all surrounded by pink azaleas, it was a picture perfect southern mansion." Otherwise, it sounds like the surprised Michelle is circled by oaks and surrounded by azaleas. In the paragraph just before the photo of Mrs. Nilson, I would omit the comma after "suppose" and insert a comma after "warn you". In the next sentence, I would change the semicolon after "old" to a comma. In the sentence "I am more interested in the present, then the past." I would omit the comma and change "then" to "than". In the next sentence, I would omit the comma after "think". In the next paragraph, I would change the comma after "heart" to a semicolon. Several paragraphs later, I'd change the colon after "She opened the door wider" to a semicolon. In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "pulled back". I would omit the word "over" from "Jack's hands caressed over his..."

*ExclaimV* Overall: Thank you for sharing this terrific short story. I wish you luck with the contest and hope this review was helpful. I look forward to reading more of your work!

SAJ Rainbow City by Whome


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I love stories with a twist, so this one was right up my alley! You gave away no indication of the mother's location until the revelation near the end of the story. Also, in a rather short piece, you described the mother and her lack of following through perfectly. You also did a great job describing her daughter's frustration as a result. I particularly like the way you focused on various milestones throughout the daughter's life and went on to tell how the mother's empty promises detracted from those events. Those few lines revealed more about the mother's personality-type than several paragraphs otherwise could.

The title worked well with this story, and you gave sufficient details of past interactions between the characters without overkill. The daughter was appealing to the reader, and I'm sure most of us can relate to having someone in our lives like the mother. The irony at the end was a terrific ending to the story. I like your writing style and think you do very well with this genre.

My Suggestions: After discovering that the mother was in jail, there are some parts of the story that didn't make sense. I can't imagine that the guards would let the daughter in the cell to wait on her. Even if they would normally do that, it's hard to believe that they wouldn't have informed her immediately of her mother's death. Also, I can't imagine the guards allowing an inmate to work on a needlepoint. Wouldn't the needle used for that be considered a weapon?

Just a small suggestion as to style: In the first sentence, there shouldn't be a space between the beginning quotations and the word "Right". In this part of the story: "Even her bed looked unfinished. As if she'd only..." I would change the period after "unfinished" to a comma. Otherwise, the second sentence is a sentence fragment. Finally, I think the last sentence would read more fluidly if you would omit the word "off".

Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. It held my interest from beginning to end, and I can't wait to check out more of your work!

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Cutting Edge  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I love the thriller/suspense genre, and I'm also a big fan of the story story. Needless to say, this story was right up my alley. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent and meaningful story in few words, but you did a great job here. The story flowed fluidly, and was practically error-free. I didn't see anything to indicate that it was written for a contest, so I assume you chose to keep it short and sweet. I prefer writing shorter stories myself.

A hospital is a perfect setting for a short thriller. It saves you the trouble of going into great detail about the setting, because anyone can imagine what a hospital is like, especially in the dead of night, which was also another nice touch. The way you informed the reader that this is the third instance in which something like this has happened was also well-done. You didn't take up needless space with a long explanation when the small phrase in the third paragraph worked just fine. The ending was terrific, not only revealing that the death was an accident, but also promising that there was more to come. Great job!

My Suggestions: The quick transition from Caroline in the first paragraph to "the person" in the second made it too easy to determine that Caroline and "the person" are one and the same. It made me wonder why you even bothered to try to hide that fact. I think it would be nearly impossible in a story so short to keep the person's identity a secret. I think the story would be better if you would just talk about Caroline instead of "the person" in the second paragraph. After all, I think most of the surprise comes from the reason behind the actions.

In the second paragraph, I would change "the person slows" to "the person slowed" because the rest of the story is in past tense. I would omit "this time" from the third paragraph, because I think it goes without saying that this time is different from the other two. In the last paragraph, rather than have such a rambling first sentence, I would insert a period after "crowd" and start a new sentence with "Once it was determined that she could be of no help, she walked..." In the next sentence, "plastic" is spelled incorrectly.

Overall: Thank you for sharing this story! I really enjoyed it and think it would be even better if you would consider my suggestion about revealing Caroline's identity in the second paragraph. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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211
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Gary . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: OK, I'll be the first to admit that I was skeptical about this story. First of all, I don't usually enjoy stories written as diary entries. Next, I'm not usually crazy about the sci-fi genre. Finally, I thought the story would be about something that didn't even seem possible. Now, let me admit that I was WRONG! This piece was fantastic. I was drawn in after the first few paragraphs and on the edge of my seat until the very last word. And I must say that it was a perfect ending!

Another thing: I don't know that I have ever rated a story in which I found so many suggested changes higher than a '4'. But none of those suggested changes detract from the story. In fact, I found it hard to bother telling you about them, because I didn't want to take the time away from reading the story. I finally decided it would be a more helpful review for you if I would do so. *Laugh*

*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: I don't think the comma after "Rarely" in the second sentence is needed. In the second paragraph, "dying" is spelled incorrectly. In the fourth paragraph, "affect" should be "effect". (It's spelled correctly in the third paragraph, but used in a different way in the fourth.) Also in that paragraph, I'd change "speeded" to "sped". In the fifth paragraph, "scientist" should be "scientists". I would change this sentence: "But just in case there are, I felt like it was important to offer my description of the truth." to "But just in case there is, I feel like it is important to offer my description of the truth." The sentence before it referred to "anyone", which is why I would change "are" to "is", and the sentence starts out in present tense, so I'd make the rest of it present tense as well. In the next paragraph, "aging" is spelled incorrectly.

Under the Sept. 29 entry, first paragraph, "a lot as" should be "a lot has". In the next paragraph, I would change "afflicted by" to "afflicted with". In the third paragraph, "there're" should be "they're". In the next paragraph, "one my favorite" should be "one of my favorite". In that same paragraph, "relived" should be "relieved". In the next paragraph, "shortness of breathe" should be "shortness of breath".

*ExclaimV* Overall: This piece will make me think twice when I see the commercials about underprivileged families and before I bite into a big juicy steak. This seems like something that really could happen, and it's the perfect way of showing how the solution to one problem could created an even bigger, more widespread problem. Thank you for sharing this terrific story!

SAJ Rainbow City by Whome


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Review of Eigth Day  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You pack a lot of feeling and emotions into such a short piece. I like the way this is written as sort of scattered thoughts of the author. While it answers many questions about what the author is thinking and how he feels, it leaves many questions unanswered. What happened during the previous seven days? Who is "she", and how does she play into the way the author feels? Why is the author so distraught? I like the questions left in the mind of the reader and wouldn't change a thing in that regard. Sometimes, it's easier to find meaning in the remaining questions that the answers.

My Suggestions: First of all, in the title, "Eighth" is spelled incorrectly. Near the end, I would change "Live on the past" to "Live in the past." I re-read this several times and can come up with no other suggestions. Changing this piece, adding more explanation or possible insight, would ultimately detract from the piece.

Overall: This was a very good piece. I'm sure that most of us can relate to the feelings of hopelessness that the story conveys. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more!

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.


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213
213
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm OOT™ , and I found your short story by using the random review tool. I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I loved this hilarious little story! This is the perfect example of a catastrophe that can sometimes result when one has the best of intentions. You did a superb job of describing Tracy and Carrie as well as the setting. I could easily imagine poor Tracy's frustration while picking the thorns from his body as well as his determination to finish what he set out to do. The cops were a nice touch, and I was laughing out loud by the time Carrie whacked him.

I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a meaningful and coherent story using only 300 words with prompts, and you made it seem effortless. You also made the three word prompts fit well within the story. Great job.

My Suggestions: In the first paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Halfway up". In the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "in that direction". In the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "top". Also, I would consider having Carrie whack him before the cop spoke up. It struck me as a little odd that she would do that after the cops had already caught him. Just a thought.

Overall: Thank you for providing this excellent read! I thoroughly enjoyed it and can't wait to check out more of your work.

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


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214
Review of Without You  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Although this poem is rather short, it is packed with emotion. I'm sure that anyone who has ever loved and lost, for whatever reason, will be able to relate. Your descriptive writing style made it easy to imagine the sadness and frustration that the narrator was feeling. I like the way you made all of the positive things negative: the faded smile, the extinguished light, the muted laughter. You really painted a picture with your words. Good job!

My Suggestions: The comma after "Although" in the first line should be omitted. In the third line, "ounce" should be "once". This really detracted from the poem for me, because I kept wondering why you would be referring to a unit of weight until I realized you meant "once". Also, in the first line, you implied the person was there, but in the third-from-last line, you implied that the person was only there in your heart. This was a but confusing. I would suggest rethinking the first line. Also, in the description, second sentence, "Its" should be "It's".

Overall: This is a good poem that would be much better after a quick edit. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


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215
Review of The mystery  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a great idea for a short story, and the idea is well executed. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using less than 400 words, and you made it seem effortless. Although the story was short, it was complete and concise. You did a great job of describing Martha and her worry regarding what she found during her shopping expedition.

You also did a great job of telling about what it would be like if a child who wished he would immediately grow up got his wish. I like the way you waited until the end of the story to let the reader in on what had actually happened. I can just imagine Martha's horrified thought that someone had stripped and kidnapped a child. I don't think she will enjoy window shopping again in the near future.

My Suggestions: In the first sentence, I would change "in the afternoon" to "that afternoon" to be more concise. In the second sentence, I would insert a comma after "4 p.m." and change "out on shopping" to simply "shopping". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "place" and "hurrying" is spelled incorrectly.

In the beginning of the second paragraph, you imply that she had lost her balance, but you never actually mention it. I would mention that she had lost her balance before talking about her regaining it. In that sentence, "as if belonged" should be "as if they belonged". At the end of the sentence, "9 years" should be "nine years old". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "attire". In the next sentence, "of those were worn" should be "if they had been worn".

In the next paragraph, the comma after "pile" isn't needed. In that same sentence, the comma after "head" should be changed to a period, and "That is when..." should be a new sentence. A couple of sentences later, "abandoned cloths" should be "abandoned clothes". A few sentences later, a comma should be inserted between "her" and "occupied". In the next paragraph, "blood on the cloths" should be "blood on the clothes", and a comma should be inserted after "clothes". In that same sentence, "those appeared as if those were torn away" should be "they appeared as though they had been torn away". In the last sentence of that paragraph, commas should be inserted after "Soon" and "people". In the last sentence of the story "cloths bigger" should be "clothes bigger".

Overall: This is a good short story that would be excellent after a thorough edit. I truly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


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216
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You have a great idea for a story here. I do, however, think you could make it more appealing to the reader. You could begin by making it easier for the reader to relate to Theresa by expanding the first paragraph. How old is she? How long has she been with her fiance? Where does she live? Does she have any family or friends she could turn to? Maybe you could give a little snippet as to why her boss fired her and more information about her boss in general. And/or tell more about the reason her fiance left her. I think this paragraph could rule the reader's decision of whether or not to read on. In that regard, Theresa should have qualities that more readers could relate to. Whether the qualities are admirable, evoke sympathy or make the reader feel she got what she deserved, the goal is to make the reader feel something here.

In the second paragraph, "fling her across the universe" made me wonder. Is this a figure of speech, or did the power actually cause her to end up in a new, unknown place? If so, where? I would tell more about the "new world" in this paragraph. Also, I would be interested in knowing more about Jhem in this paragraph - preferably his looks. After losing her fiance, one would hope that Theresa has met a handsome, charming stranger - preferably with a sense of danger. Tell the reader about it!

The third paragraph is terrific. I like the way you went from Theresa's viewpoint to Jhem's in this one. Although I have many questions after reading this paragraph (does the couple fall in love, etc.), I think the mystery works well, and I wouldn't add or detract from it. I think it's perfect as-is.

My Suggestions: I would change the last two sentences of the first paragraph to past tense to make them parallel to the rest of the synopsis. I would also change the first sentence of the second paragraph to past tense for the same reason. In the third sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "wizard". In the next sentence, I would change "both of their magic" to "of both their magic". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "Yet."

Overall: I hope my suggestions make sense and help you. I would be very interested in reading The Warrior Wizard and hope to check out more of your work soon. Thanks for providing this interesting synopsis!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


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217
Review of On A Texas Dare  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is an interesting story exploring the topic of voyeurism. Your choice of first person narrative worked well for this piece. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using 300 words or less, and you did a great job here. You did a good job of describing the narrator in the first paragraph, evidencing his excitement and nervousness at doing something forbidden.

Even though the story references several pictures and video clips, you only described one. I can understand your constraints as you were obviously limiting your word count, but this story could easily be expanded into something longer, describing everything on the memory card.

My Suggestions: "Pictures" is spelled incorrectly in the description. In the first sentence, "by" should be "my", and a comma should be inserted after "sweaty". In the next sentence, "jitters" is spelled incorrectly. A few sentences later, "iphone" should be "iPhone". In that sentence, since the rest of the paragraph is in present tense, "here they were" should be "here they are".

In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "tap". A couple of sentences later, "squirming" is spelled incorrectly. In the following sentence, the comma after "her" should be a semicolon, and "barely" is spelled incorrectly. A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "tugged at her dress". In the next paragraph, "to busy" should be "too busy".

Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


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218
Review of Bliss Denied  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This was a terrific poem! I am sure that anyone who is in a friendship with a person they're in love with can relate well to this piece. You did a terrific job of characterizing your feelings for this person while giving the reader a glimpse of just how difficult the unrequited love has been for you. I like the way you switch back and forth from the dream, from your blissful state to tortured reality. It works so well with this poem! Fantastic job!

My Suggestions: In the first line, "I lay" should be "I lie", because "lay" refers to an inanimate object. Also, I had issues with the last line of the first verse. I don't feel that "My life from pain is free" flowed well with the rest of the poem. I think it's because I didn't like "from pain" being in the middle of the line like that, but I understand you did it that way for rhyming purposes. I would suggest changing it to something like, "My life is now pain free."

Overall: I thoroughly enjoyed reading this beautiful poem, and I look forward to checking out more of your work.

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


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219
Review of My Valantine  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a great tribute to your wife! I like the way you show how much you care for her while incorporating light humor in the poem. I imagine that your wife would get a chuckle out of this while adequately seeing how much she is appreciated. I like it when writers take a rather serious subject and insert a little humor throughout, and you did a great job here!

My Suggestions: "Valentine" is spelled incorrectly in the title and description. I would change "lawns" to "lawn" in the first line as I assume you have only one lawn. I would also omit the quotation marks at the end of that line. I would insert a comma after "clothes" in the second line and omit the word "And" from the beginning of the third line. In the fourth line, I would insert commas after "meals" and "shopping". The seventh line seemed too long. I would move "I love you rounding up the deer to the end of the previous line. I would insert a comma after "sublime" and another after "listen".In the eleventh line, I would change "pickup" to "pick up". In the next-to-last line, "eye's" should be "eyes".

Overall: Thank you for providing this funny poem. I enjoyed the read, adn I look forward to checking out more of your work!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


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220
220
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This was a good, well-written poem. You packed a lot of emotion into such a short piece. It was easy to feel your sadness and despair as a result of the events of September 11. I'm sure that every one of us who lived through those events can relate to this pom. I don't know that I would have classified the poem as inspirational. Tragedy would be my suggestion. I don't see the poem as inspirational since it speaks of nothing but tragedy.

My Suggestions: "Remembrance" is spelled incorrectly in the title. I would insert the word "ever" after "Can I" in the fourth line. I would omit the word "of" in the sixth sentence, as I don't think it's needed, and I think the poem would read more fluidly without it. The last line just didn't work for me. I don't understand how the wind blowing relates to the end of sadness and depression. If you decide to keep the line as-is, the period should be changed to a question mark.

Since the poem was written as a result of the tragedy of September 11, I would suggest expanding the poem a bit to let the reader know the poem is related to that event. I know it's set forth in the description, but I think it should also be in the poem itself.

Overall: Thank you for providing this tragic poem. I enjoyed the read and look forward to reading more!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


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221
221
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, A*Monaing*Faith . I am honored to review yet another of your short stories as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: Oh, wow! This was a great story. I like the way you told the story from the taxi driver's point of view. It worked very well. Although the story was rather short, it was complete. I was captivated when the girl got into the cab, and by the end of the story, I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to find out just what exactly was going on. Although I wouldn't normally like a story that leave the reader hanging, it worked for this piece.

I could easily see you either writing another story about Ana or even further developing this story. I like your writing style and think you did a great job of writing the action scenes in such a way that the reader just can't stop! Excellent job.

*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: My first suggestion would be to change the story's description. I would note the prompt information at the end of the story and use the description to tell the reader what the story is about.

In the second sentence, I would change "small towns'" to "small town's" since you're only referring to one town. I would insert a comma after "hangout" in the fifth sentence. I would change the comma after "eyes" in the last sentence to a period and start a new sentence with "As a..." I would also insert a comma after "bachelor". In the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Even in a small town like this". In that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "refused her". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "right thing". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "gullible". In the sixth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "In less than a minute". Same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "between his teeth". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "him".

A couple of paragraphs later, the would "though" should be set off with commas. A few paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "under my breath". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "furrowed any more". In the next paragraph, "targets" should be "target's" since you're attempting to show possession. In that same paragraph, "Instinctually" should be "Instinctively" and a comma should be inserted after the word.

*ExclaimV* Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a thorough edit for punctuation. Thank you for providing this great read. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

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222
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, A*Monaing*Faith . I am honored to review another of your short stories as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: I see from the bold words that this story was written using prompts, and I must say you did a terrific job! Using few words, you provided great character descriptions of Melissa and Amy, adequately described the setting and wrote a great story. I love stories in the mystery/horror genre and would strongly suggest that you change the story type to one of those. It was the perfect tale to leave the reader feeling unsettled at the end.

I loved the little twist at the end. I think, however, that it might have been more effective had Amy seen the newspaper instead. After all, even though the article said there were more on the loose, it shouldn't have come as much of a surprise to Melissa that there was a story about it since she actually ran into on of the killer dogs. Amy, on the other hand, would have been very surprised by the story, because she didn't believe Melissa's tale. Just a thought.

*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: In the second paragraph, I would change "They're in the shop" to "My other pair is in the shop" since Melissa is responding to the question "what's up with the new glasses?" In the third paragraph, "lens" is spelled incorrectly. You need to close the quotes after "What do you mean almost died? I would change "looked around whole time" to "looked around the whole time". A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "I didn't want to go back". A couple of paragraphs later, "Amys' eyes" should be "Amy's eyes". "its' gaze" should be "its gaze". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Startled".

*ExclaimV* Overall: Thank you for providing this excellent read. I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work!

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223
223
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, C.D.Renteria ! Thank you for requesting that I review "The Evolution of Consciousness" . I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I just finished reading the first chapter, and I really enjoyed it. I wrote the suggestions as I read and came back to write this, so I might address things that are also addressed in the suggestions.

The story was great. Although it isn't the type of story I would normally go for, I found myself becoming more and more interested as the story went on. You did a great job of describing Casey as well as the setting and scenery of the story. I had a problem with the use of "I" throughout the story. From the first paragraph, I assumed that "the Bastard of Haven" was Casey. Was I wrong in assuming that? If so, I suggest that you make it more clear that the Bastard of Haven and Casey are different people. Or if they are the same person, then I suggest you make it more clear who "I" is when you make that reference throughout the story.

In looking back at the beginning of the story and the note you sent with the review request, I see that you wrote the story with a character-narrator. I do think that's a good idea, but you didn't make it sufficiently clear. Is the first paragraph merely a description of the setting rather than an actual part of the story? That makes more sense, but I would suggest you italicize it or something to clue the reader in.

I like the way Casey is undergoing so many conflicts in the story - fear for his brother, distrust of his companions - there are a lot of potential conflicts, and it made me look forward to continuing to read to find out just what is going to happen to him. As to the Bastard of Haven, if it isn't Casey, I think a lot more character development needs to be done - who exactly is he? what is is purpose? is he invisible? Just some thoughts.

My Suggestions: At the beginning, when you are describing the characters, under "Victoria", the word "lengths" is spelled incorrectly. In the first sentence I would insert a period after "room" and start a new sentence with "A red light..." In that same sentence, "reflected of" should be "reflected off". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "corner". I would change "where the smoke permeated from" to "from where the smoke permeated" to avoid ending the sentence with a preposition. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, "breath" is spelled incorrectly.

In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "slopes". In the first sentence of the sixth paragraph, "you're" should be "your" since you're not using it as a contraction for "you are". The same thing two paragraphs later - "You're life" should be "Your life" and "you're brother" should be "your brother". Also in that paragraph, did you mean "on the shelf" instead of "on the self"? A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "The more he thought about it".

In the twelfth paragraph, I would change the comma after "building" to a period and start a new sentence with "He slipped..." In the first sentence of the next paragraph, "had saw" should be "had seen". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "half dead".

Later in the story, when talking about the weapon, you say "I felt my essence prickle..." Who is "I"? It must not be Casey, since he is referred to throughout as Casey. Is the narrator also a character in the story? If so, I would suggest giving a better introduction, preferably earlier in the story. This was very confusing for me. A few paragraphs later, I would change "make out distinctly" to "distinctly make out".

In the last sentence of the first paragraph of the second part of the story, I would set "although it scared him" off with commas. In the last sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Lastly". A couple of paragraphs later, "where the lies where" should be "where the lies were". In the sentence "I hadn’t noticed how close I had drew to him but I couldn’t resist." I'm again confused about who "I" is, and "had drew" should be "had drawn". A couple of paragraphs later, "as a second thought" should be set off with commas. In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "stairs".

In the paragraph beginning, "In a flurry of movement" a comma should be inserted after "movement". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "tensed". A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "From behind". In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "fresh air".

Overall: I think you have a fantastic idea for a book here, and I think it would be even better after more character development for the first person referenced in the story and an edit for clarity. I look forward to reading more!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


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224
224
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, A*Monaing*Faith . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: You took five seemingly unrelated things and wrote a terrific and interesting short story. Your idea was original, and you made the incorporation of the various prompts seem effortless. I know how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using prompts and a limited word count, and you did a great job here!

I think first person narrative worked well with this story. You were able to answer all of a reader's potential questions through the use of dialogue and narration of events. I was wondering what sex the narrator was, and you made it clear it was a female in the scene in the diner with the celebrity. I love the way the story ended with the narrator reassessing her career path as a result of her recent success in defending herself. Excellent!

*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: In the third sentence of the first paragraph, I would set "then again" off with commas. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Regrettably". In the third paragraph, I would change "saunters" to "sauntered" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In that same paragraph, I would set "as MMA greats go" off with commas. In the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "drink order". I would change the period after "appraisingly" to a comma. Otherwise, the last sentence is a sentence fragment. In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "enough". In the last sentence of the sixth paragraph, "jerks" should be "jerk's" since you're attempting to show possession. In the last paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "imminent future".

*ExclaimV* Overall: This is a great short story. I really enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

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Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am reading and reviewing entries in "The Christian Writing Contest" , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is an informative and thoughtful piece. You did a good job of conveying what the parable means to you and giving reasons for the same. You also gave adequate reasons as to why some decide not to follow God's word and wrapped it up nicely at the end by giving personal reasons as to why you decided to do so, and provided encouragement for others to do the same.

I think this piece would work better in story form. You have some terrific ideas and, while I understand the reason you wrote this the way you did, I think it would be much more appealing in sentence/paragraph form. You have some wonderful thoughts and ideas. Highlight them!

My Suggestions: I would insert periods at the end of sentences. I would also omit some of the ellipses. I think so many of them take away from the credibility of the piece. In the third paragraph, "Your too serious" should be "You're too serious" and a period should be inserted at the end of the sentence. In that same paragraph, "believe" is spelled incorrectly. In the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Yes". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "life". In the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Well". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "pay". In the sixth paragraph, a comma should be inserted in the first sentence after the word "Lord" In that same paragraph, "person am today" should be "person I am today". In the next sentence, i would set the word "Lord" off with commas. In the next paragraph, I would capitalize "Christian" and insert a hyphen between "thirty" and "two". I would also insert the word "it" after "regretted". In the last paragraph, I would insert a comma after "babies". And your husband of forty years did what? That sentence is incomplete. When you're listing items in that paragraph such as cabbage leaves, carrots..., commas should be inserted between the items. Same goes for boiled potatoes, cabbage, carrots..."Discard" is spelled incorrectly. "takes us too it" should be "takes us to it".

Overall: Thank you for providing this informative read. I really enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work!

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