*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Get it for
Apple iOS.
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/outoftouch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/8
Review Requests: OFF
942 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 4 5 6 7 -8- 9 10 11 12 13 ... Next
176
176
Review of The Door  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a good children's story. The story is short and sweet and has a happy ending, all of which make for a desirable story for a child. I cannot a child who would not be fascinated by a talking squirrel living in a tree and the person who discovers he can miraculously shrink small enough to go inside the tree and visit with the squirrel. The story was written in a friendly tone that would easily capture a child's interest.

I liked the description of the inside of the tree looking like it was many stories high, and I can just imagine a child's wonder at reading that. I also like the fact that the squirrel offered tea and sweets to Billy. I think that would appeal to a child as well. Finally, as I said before, I like the way you ended the story on a happy note. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First, I would change the description of the story so that it gives a hint as to what the story is about rather than telling that it's for a contest. I think that would draw more readers.

Next, it was an issue for me that you soon contradicted the first sentence of the story. You begin by claiming that nobody really know's what's behind the door at the bottom of the tree, but you go on to tell that you do know what is behind it and tell the reader exactly what it is. Therefore, I would suggest you change that first sentence. Also in that first sentence, you have a tense issue, because "knows" is present tense and "lived" is past tense. Since the rest of the story is in past tense, "knows" should be "knew". In the last sentence of the first paragraph, "wondrous" is spelled incorrectly.

Finally, near the end of the story, you say that you sat in an "ornately carved sofa". Did you sit "in" the sofa or "on" the sofa? I suggest changing "in" to "on". Also, I think "ornately carved" may be a bit too much for a child to comprehend. I suggest reconsidering this description.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting little story. I enjoyed the read and look forward to visiting your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
177
177
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Joy . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: The story started out a bit show, but before I knew it, I was right in the middle of the action! I was convinced that something terrible had happened to Warren. Myra was an easy character to empathize with, and you threw little hints about her personality and tendencies out there that I noticed but still missed until the end. I loved the scene with the men's dressing room mirror. Just the image of that scene set the stage for something ominous.

The scene at the office came as a total shock, and I quickly knew what would happen next...or at least I thought I did. Boy, was I wrong! I love stories with a twist at the end, and this one was right up my alley! I think I actually sat with my mouth open for a few seconds after reading the last sentence of the story. Great job!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: In the last sentence of the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Then". In the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Next to the archway". In the second sentence of the tenth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Suddenly". Several paragraphs later, I would change the sentence, "A sales clerk came running. When she learned what happened," to, "A sales clerk came over, and, when she learned what had happened, she said," and omit the "she said" that you have a little later. In that same paragraph, "a few of hours" should be "a few hours". In the same sentence, there should be a space between the comma and "cutting".

Three paragraphs later, I would rearrange the sentence, "Until closing time, I waited in the store." to "I waited in the store until closing time.", because I think active voice is always better than passive. Four paragraphs later, I would change, "The police has" to "The police have". A few paragraphs later, I would change, "I stuffed into my large handbag all the papers and note-pads that could be important." to "I stuffed all the papers and notepads that could be important into my large handbag.", as I think the sentence would read better that way. I would rewrite the sentences: "The carpet was the same red one with green dots. I recalled the skiing vacation Warren and I had taken here together." to "The carpet was the same red with green dots that it was when Warren and I had taken a skiing vacation here together."

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story! I really enjoyed the read, and I think it would be even better after a quick edit. I look forward to checking out more of your work.


*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


Sweater Snowman review sig




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
178
178
Review of The Invasion  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Science fiction isn't one of my favorite genres, and the title and description made me think that's what this story was. I'm glad I read it anyway. It was terrific.

Although the story was rather short, it was complete, and by the end, your descriptive writing made me anxious to find out what would become of the narrator in this invasion. First person narration worked well for this piece, and I quickly found myself concerned about the narrator and rooting for her (I think the narrator's female). In the first paragraph, the sentences are rather short and choppy. Reading on, you add more detail to the paragraphs. I think that also worked well in this story.

And the ending? Brilliant! I never saw it coming, and I am a sucker for twists at the end of stories. You did a fantastic job with this one. Reading back over the story, subtle hints were there, but I would have never guessed it. Great job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: Most of my suggestions are about punctuation. In the third sentence, a comma should be inserted after "signs". In the last sentence of the second paragraph, "nowhere" should be one word. In the first sentence of the third paragraph, "for the most part" should be set off with commas. Later in that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Every now and then". In the second sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "let up".

Near the end of the story, a comma should be inserted after "Every now and then". I would also suggest reconsidering the use of one instance of that phrase, because you used it twice in a rather short story. Maybe you could change the first instance to "Every so often,"?

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent short story! I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
179
179
Review of Wolfs pain  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
'Header for The Gift Shop This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item that you won at the "12 Days of Midwinter Christmas raffle.'

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Thoughts: This is an excellent short story! I loved your use of the photo at the beginning. It, and your descriptive writing, did wonders to help me imagine the setting as I read the story.

You wasted no time getting into the grisly detail, and I think that's just how a short horror story should be. The second paragraph put me on the edge of my seat, and I remained there until the very last word of the story. And it ended perfectly! The ending was rather unexpected, and it wrapped everything up neatly. It also made way for a possible sequel, because I would love to know what happened to John afterward!

John was an interesting character, and it was easy to empathize with his situation. I could almost feel his despair and uncertainty at having no choice but to kill his wife. Perhaps that accounted for his mistake, because he seemed like the type that just didn't make mistakes. You gave the reader so much to think about in this short story! Great job!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest that you change "Wolfs" in the title to "Wolf's" to show possession. I also suggest capitalizing "pain" in the title. I think these changes would make the story more appealing to the the readers.

In the second sentence, I would change "which" to "that". In the last sentence of the paragraph, you say "a member" but go on to say "they" and "them". In that regard, I would change "a member" to "members" to keep it all plural. In the third paragraph, I would remove the apostrophes around "was". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change "here" to "there" to keep the story in past tense. In the last sentence of the sixth paragraph, "are" should be changed to "were" because the rest of the story is in past tense.

In the second sentence of the seventh paragraph, I would omit "it was" as I think the sentence would read more fluidly without it. A few sentences later, the comma after "body" should be omitted. In the following sentence, "notice" should be "noticed". In the last sentence of the story, shouldn't "Nights Master" be "Night Master" since it was singular throughout the rest of the story?

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent little horror story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and can't wait to check out more of your work!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Image #1611753 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
180
180
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Your interesting title and description drew me in, and I'm glad I read this story! While I think the "horror" genre was a bit misleading, the story was very good and easily held my attention. The ending was perfect, even throwing a bit of humor in at this otherwise dire and shocking situation.

I'm sure that many of us can relate to poor Bartleby, and this little story really made me think about his situation and question whether people have really taken those feelings to that extreme. My instinct says yes, and even if they haven't, you did a terrific job of giving us a glimpse of what could happen if they did.

I like your writing style and the way you often hint that what you are stating is obvious. Although the story was somewhat short, it was complete, and you gave us adequate background information and character description without bogging the story down with boring details. Great job!

sadness and loneliness slept with him at night, and grief greeted him in the morning *Left* I LOVED that line!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "others". In that same sentence, I would consider changing "staging grounds" to simply "stage" and omit "--like larceny--". When thinking of heinous crimes, larceny is probably the last thing that comes to my mind. In that same sentence, "for Bartleby" should be set off with commas. Also, I suggest you reconsider your use of hyphens around phrases in this story. I think it was a bit overused, especially since commas look neater and could have served the same purpose.

In the second sentence of the second paragraph, when you're making a list of things in his apartment, "a" should be inserted before "microwave" because you used it before every other item. A few sentences later, "at this very instant" should be "at that very instant" because the rest of the story is told in past tense. In the third paragraph, you spelled "tenants" incorrectly, and it is spelled incorrectly again near the end of the story. Near the end of the third paragraph, I would omit the word "which" from "fact which being". In the next sentence, "is linked" should be "was linked" to keep the story in past tense.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this great little story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
181
181
Review of Oh Beautful  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is an interesting short story, and as I read, I forgot that the story takes place in 1957. It was easy to imagine the friends out for a drive and taking in the beautiful Canadian landscape. You described the scenes perfectly, and I could easily imagine the breathtaking scenery that made the characters sing.

I like the way one of the characters started singing upon seeking the spectacular view while the others quickly joined in. I think it does a good job of telling just how amazing the sight actually was. Even though the story was rather short, it was complete and left me smiling at the end. I did find the part about a passenger too ambiguous and could never figure out who the passenger was. When you mentioned his predicament, I thought the story was going to take a different turn, but then it was all forgotten. I think the story would be clearer without this mention of a passenger.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: "Beautiful" is spelled incorrectly in the story's title. Also, I would put a comma between "Oh" and "Beautiful".

Near the end of the first paragraph, you said that three people were "packed behind him close to the passenger". How could three people be close to one passenger in a car? And who are you considering the passenger? Vonnie? In the last sentence of the first paragraph, the ending quotation marks should come directly after the comma. The rest of the quotes in the story should be edited in that same way. In the last sentence of part 1, "Hey Jude" should be in quotation marks, since it's a song title.

Again, in the second part of the story, I'm confused by your use of "passenger". It is unclear as to whom you are referring. A few paragraphs later, I would change "spilling" to "spilled". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Without warning". In the next sentence, there shouldn't be a space between "it" and the question mark.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. It was a good read that could be even better if you made it clearer to whom "passenger" refers in the story. I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
182
182
Review of Ghost Town  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Carly - Merry Christmas! . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I decided to review this story because it had no ratings, and I'm glad I did! Mystery is one of my favorite genres, and you did a good job with this one. You had a cast of interesting characters, and I like the way they interacted. It was easy for me to be drawn into the story by the character interactions. I would have liked a better physical description of the characters, though, because it was difficult for me to imagine what they looked like.

You also did a good job of writing a good little mystery with a limited word count. The transition to the scary part of the story was smooth, and I loved the way the story ended.

I think third person narration would work better for this piece. I believe there were three women involved in this story: Sandy, Gloria and Darla. But from the first part of the story, it appears that there are four: the aforementioned women plus the narrator. Even though the story is in first person, you mentioned all three of the women in the first part of the story as if none of them were the narrator. It was very confusing.

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: First of all, now that the contest is over, I suggest changing the description to give the reader a hint of what the story is about rather than just saying it's a contest entry. In the second paragraph, rather than having the word "figured" twice in the first sentence, I would change it to, "Mike thought..." I would omit the word "out" from the first sentence of the third paragraph. A comma should be inserted after "wife" in the third sentence of that paragraph so that "my wife" is set off with commas.

In the eighth paragraph, I would change "newest to" to newest of". "by the look of mischievousness in her smile" should be set of with commas. In the second paragraph of the second part of the story, "as he was driving" should be set off with commas. In the last paragraph of that part, "good two hours then after lunch we took" should be punctuated to read, "good two hours. Then, after lunch". A few sentences later, the comma after "way ahead" should be changed to a semicolon.

In the first paragraph of the third part of the story, you have, "but as they neared they were". As they neared what? This sentence is unclear. Near the end of the story, "Each girl trembled. Then turned to look towards the saloon.", the last sentence is a sentence fragment. This could be remedied by combining the sentences to form, "Each girl trembled, then turned to..." In the next sentence, "here the guys" should be "hear the guys".

Sometimes, omitting commas changes the meaning of a sentence. In the sentence, "Sandy called her voice raspy." as it stands, it sounds like you mean that Sandy referred to her voice as raspy. I believe you meant, "Sandy called, her voice raspy." which means that Sandy called out the someone in a raspy voice. See the difference a comma can make? In the next several paragraphs, every time that you follow a quotation with "she said", the word "she" should not be capitalized. In the next-to-last paragraph, "about the touch down" should be "about to touch down".

The first sentence of the last paragraph should be split into 2 sentences by inserting a period after "move" and beginning a new sentence with "She felt". A few sentences later, "though she tried to pull back" should be set off with commas.

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this great read! I thoroughly enjoyed it and can't wait to check out more of your work.


*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


Sweater Snowman review sig




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
183
183
Review of Puzzle Passion  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: I must say that I'm very surprised to see that you have just joined WDC and have already created such an excellent story! I know from experience how difficult it can be to create a complete and coherent story in 300 words or less, but you made it seem effortless here. Your short story goes to show how a seemingly insignificant event can bring a bit of humor to a reader.

You have an excellent writing style, and I could easily imagine the scene that you described. I even chuckled out loud at the thought of poor George with the puzzle piece stuck to his head. It was easy to empathize with the frustration that he felt. Luckily, he was resilient, though, and quickly moved on to his next quest. I loved the way you ended the story with a pun. Very clever!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: It seems that your spelling and grammar were flawless in this piece. Good job! The only issue I could find is with your use of quotation marks. After the third paragraph, you have some quotation marks that don't seem to go with anything and should be omitted. In the eighth paragraph, the closing quotes should go directly after the comma, not right before "he". That makes it seem as though you're putting "he" in quotes. You have the same problem near the end of the story after "Cheer up,". The closing quotes should go directly after the comma and not right before "she".

Despite my best efforts, I could find nothing else to critique. Terrific!

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this terrific short story! I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I can already tell that you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


My beautiful PR Ornament Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
184
184
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I was intrigued by this story's title, and the description piqued my curiosity even more. Since horror is one of my favorite genres, I just couldn't help myself! The story was as good as I had hoped. Your conversational tone immediately drew me into the story, and I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to find out what would happen.

First person narrative worked well for this piece, and it made me become even more involved and empathetic with the narrator. Your descriptive writing made it easy for me to picture the scenes as you described them. I felt so sorry for the poor narrator when his drink was obviously drugged, and I immediately knew that this story would not come with a happy ending.

I really liked the way you ended the story, but, at the same time, I felt that it left too many questions unanswered. Since you're narrating the story, you're obviously still here, but the ending hinted that you remained in a tormented place. I think ending in that way should make you reconsider first person narrative. It's hard to claim something like that if you're the one telling the story. Just a thought.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the first sentence, "in actuality" should be set off with commas. In the third sentence, "girl's" should be "girls", because you're not trying to show possession or using it as a contraction for "girl is". In that same sentence, a comma should be inserted after "danced". In the last sentence of that paragraph, "here" should be "there". In the first sentence of the next paragraph, "broke" should be "broken" because it follows the word "had". In that same sentence, "laying" should be "lying", because "laying" refers to an inanimate object. In the third paragraph, "by the time that I arrived" should be set off with commas. In the fourth paragraph, "ask" should be "asked" since the rest of the story is in past tense.

In the seventh paragraph, "have ever seen" should be "had ever seen" and "read your thoughts" should be "read my thoughts". In the second sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "clothing". In the next paragraph, "as I was about to get into my car" should be set off with commas. In the next sentence, "when our eyes locked" should be set off with commas. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "night". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "As I approached the gate". In the last sentence of the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "started to turn".

In the first sentence of the last paragraph, "women" should be "woman" since you're only talking about one woman. Near the end of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "size" and another should be inserted after "come". In the last paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "upon me".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting short story. I enjoyed the read, and I can't wait to check out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


A review sig for WDC Power Members to share


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
185
185
Review of Never Before  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: You have a really good idea for a story here, and Monroe, English and Fury are likable characters. I especially like the way that, even though they are so young, they find themselves in a horrible situation. Your action-packed scenes easily captured my interest, and I found myself on the edge of my seat, anxious to find out what would happen to poor English!

I understand what you were doing when you told the story first from Monroe's point of view and then from English's, but I think it became a bit confusing. The story is interesting enough that you could easily expand it and have a chapter for each character in which to tell the story from his or her point of view. In that regard, you could also have a chapter from Fury's POV and even one from Faye. You could begin with a prologue, cluing the reader in on what has previously happened, and then go into the tale from each character's perspective. As the story is, it's great, but it just feels incomplete and left me yearning for more.

I do like the way you told the story in present tense, and you did a good job of keeping it in the same tense throughout. I also like the way you brought the additional characters in through the action parts of the story rather than just bringing them in with boring history. Great job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First, I suggest changing the rating of the story from "E" to "ASR" as the subject matter of the story warrants a higher rating. Next, I suggest skipping only one line between each paragraph. I think this would make the story easier to read and more visually appealing.

In the second sentence of the first paragraph, "laying" should be "lying", because you're referring to English (a person), not an inanimate object. In the next sentence, "Its" should be "It's", because you're using it as a contraction for "It is". In the following sentence, you say "them", but you are referring to the previously mentioned "road". In that regard, since "road" is singular, "them" should be changed to "it". In the next sentence, I would change "is disappeared" to "has disappeared". A couple of sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "skin".

In the next paragraph, I would change "same one" to "same tattoo" to make it clear as to what you are talking about. Also, the commas after "swollen" and "up" in that paragraph should be omitted. In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "friend" so that "my best friend" is set off with commas.

In the second sentence of the first paragraph under "English", I believe "eyes flirt" should be "eyes flit". In that same sentence, "I" should be capitalized. A few sentences later, "as I here" should be "as I hear". In the next paragraph, I would change "hard swallow" to "swallow hard". A few sentences later, "our people our dead" should be "our people are dead".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I enjoyed the read, and I really hope you decide to expand the story. I look forward to reading more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


My beautiful PR Ornament Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
186
186
Review of Leila  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Dawn Embers . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I'm a sucker for stories that use one of the character's names as the title, so this one was right up my alley. The description was simple, yet it was just enough to make me anxious to see just what Leila's light really was. I loved the first line of the story; it immediately drew me in!

Although this story is short, it is complete, and you adequately described the characters and the setting. First person narrative worked well for this piece; I always find that using first person in dark tales such as this one intensifies the eerie feeling and allows me to become more involved in the story. I also really liked the way you described Leila. Words such as "delicate", "sweet", "perfect" and "beautiful", along with the fact of what he was willing to do for her, work very well to convey the narrator's feelings for this woman.

Near the end of the story, you spice things up a bit, and I was on the edge of my seat wondering whether or not the narrator would be able to control himself. And I must say that I love the way you ended the story. I was sort of expecting a different ending, but I think the one you chose worked perfectly.

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: I didn't really like the way that you told most of the story in present tense, and I think you switched tenses in places you shouldn't. For instance, the second paragraph is completely in past tense. Then, you switched to present in the third and remained in present throughout most of the remainder of the story. If you want to stay in present tense, in the eighth paragraph, "Her brown eyes showed" should be "Her brown eyes show". In the next-to-last paragraph, you use mostly past tense. This paragraph, too, should be present tense, if the rest of the story is. In that regard, "was" should be "is", "wanted" should be "want", "was" should be "is", and "couldn't" should be "can't". Still, I think the entire story, with the exception of the very first and the very last sentence, would sound better if written in past tense.

The second, third and forth sentences of the fourth paragraph were very descriptive and helped me to imagine how Leila looked, but I also found them a bit boring, probably because of the way the sentences are structured. Particularly, I think the third and fourth sentence would be more appealing if they did not begin with prepositional phrases. Maybe you could change it to something like "She is wearing a black shirt and tights under the jacket, completing the ensemble with a pink ballerina tutu over the tights." Of course, this is just a personal preference.

Finally, I would consider changing "I whispered in her ears" to "I whispered in her ear", because it seems a bit impossible for one person to whisper into both of another person's ears at the same time.

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this story, written in one of my favorite genres. I really enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work soon!


*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*



Sweater Snowman review sig




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
187
187
Review of My Wi-fi  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I really enjoyed this little humorous piece, and I could easily relate to your dependence on wi-fi. It's easy to overlook all of the different instances in a day in which we utilize a device that requires wi-fi; you did a great job of bringing it to our attention. Although the story was humorous, it could easily be a true story, and that's one of the things that makes it great.

First person narrative worked well for this piece. It was easy to imagine the narrator going from one wi-fi enabled device to the next and to empathize with his dependence on this little convenience. I especially liked the last few paragraphs of the story and the way you let the reader know that the narrator realizes his dependence but refuses to do anything about it. I know exactly how he feels! Great job!

"My Kindle called its Amazonian mothership" *Left* I loved that line!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: You had a tendency to switch between present and past tense throughout this story, making it difficult for me to become thoroughly involved in the story. For instance, most of the first paragraph is in past tense, but you switch to present tense with "check". In order to remain consistent, this should be changed to "checked". There are similar issues with the second paragraph. Although it is mostly past tense, you switch to present tense with the instances of "will" and "can". They should be changed to "would" and "could". You encounter this same issue in almost every paragraph. I suggest doing a thorough edit to ensure that all of the sentences are in past tense.

In the first sentence, "panicked" is spelled incorrectly. In the fourth paragraph, you say "to a traveler" yet you said "for a traveler". I would change it to "for a traveler" to make them consistent. In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "things" to a semicolon. Also, "you neck" should be "your neck". In the fifth paragraph, I would write "2" out as "two". Numbers under 10 are usually written out. In the sixth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "coffee". (Also, note in that sentence that "get" should be "got").

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this funny story. It was a good read that would be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to do so, I would be happy to review it again afterward. Regardless, I look forward to dropping by your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
188
188
Review of Prigioniera  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, CJ Reddick . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: It is always a pleasure to read your short stories, and I especially liked this one! I chose this story because I wanted to get an idea of what the title meant, and the description sounded interesting. Well, I loved the story, but I'm still not sure about the title. *Laugh* After reading some of your other stories, I thought you were a fantasy writer, but you proved me wrong with this one. You're a terrific writer in the 'dark' genre as well. You did an excellent job of creating an interesting, nail biter with this short piece. I was drawn in by the very first sentence, and I remained on the edge of my seat throughout.

First person narrative worked well for this piece, and it was easy to understand Lisa's chagrin. You provided adequate background information, and I think I held my breath from the moment Lisa walked into the artist's place through the end of the story. And the ending was absolutely perfect! Without giving too much away, I love the way the ending answered questions I never even knew I had. Because of this little story, I don't think I will ever look at that artist's works the same again!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: First let me say that your spelling and punctuation are flawless. And I love the way you wrote shorter sentences during the climax of the story. Great job!

I just had a couple of issues with the story. First, it was difficult to believe that the artist was living a poor life after Lisa so easily found the money he had borrowed (and obviously even more) from the pouch at his place. And how could he be content living the poor life if he had previously borrowed money from the narrator? In by experience, people who are content with being poor don't bother borrowing money.

Also, it didn't seem quite right when the narrator professed that she hated the artist. That seemed a bit strong since the only thing he had apparently done to her was fail to pay the money he had borrowed back to her, and I don't think that constitutes hate. And since she had let him borrow the money before, she must not have hated him then. I would revisit these issues.

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing yet another terrific read. I really enjoyed this story, and I look forward to dropping by your port again soon!


*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


My SAJ Charity Ornament Sig




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
189
189
Review of Sunny's Pet  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I love children's stories, and you have a great idea for one here. Sunny is a name that would appeal to a child, and the little injured squirrel was the perfect addition to the story. I like they fact that Mother is so aware of Sunny's best interests. The story also teaches children the valuable lesson of being kind to animals. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest expanding upon the story. Tell us more about Sunny. How old is he? What is his general demeanor? A little background information would go a long way in capturing a child's interest. I think a story consisting of only one paragraph is too small to be considered a short story.

I think "polythene" is too difficult of a word to expect a child to understand what it means. I suggest changing the word to one that's more child friendly. In the sentence that mentions that word, the word "and" should be inserted after the comma. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence. In the next sentence, I would reconsider saying "Mother held up the bag" since the squirrel is on it. I suggest changing it it "Mother carefully picked up the bag." In the following sentence, the comma after "squirrel" should be omitted.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: This is a good children's story that could be even better if expanded upon. Should you decide to do so, I would be happy to review it again afterward. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
190
190
Review of Bank Withdrawal  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I decided to read this piece because the title interested me. I'm glad I did! I really enjoyed this short story! I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and meaningful story using only 300 words or less, and I must say that you did an excellent job of that here. You adequately described the characters, the setting, the conflict and the resolution. Good job!

I like the way you began the story with the bank employees' boredom but quickly revealed it was to be short-lived. The story was action packed, and I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to see what would happen next. I especially like the way you ended the piece with a bit of humor. You took the reader through so many emotions in this short piece. Terrific!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest changing the description of the story to give the reader an idea as to what it's about rather than only stating that it was written for a contest.

In the sentences, "Dave pulled up to the bank and was thankful he saw no cars in the parking lot. Pulled his sedan up by the door and walked in.", the last sentence is a sentence fragment, and there was no need to mention pulling up in the second sentence after mentioning it in the first sentence. I would change this to "Dave pulled up to the back, thankful he say no cars in the parking lot, and walked in." Rather that start the next sentence with, "Dave got a phone call", I would change it to, "His wife had called on his way home". Then, in the next sentence, you could change "His wife" to "She".

In the next paragraph, I would change, "crashed open a man" to "crashed open, and a man". Otherwise, it's a run-on sentence. In the following sentence, I would change the comma after "hurt" to a semicolon. In the next paragraph, I would shorten, " Kim and Allison went into a panic looking around. They were looking for the manager", to simply, "Kim and Allison went into a panic, looking around for the manager." A couple of paragraphs later, "Not wanted to make" should be "He did not want to make". Otherwise, you have a sentence fragment here, because there's no subject.

In the next paragraph, "screamed" shouldn't be capitalized, because it's a continuation of the quote. In the next paragraph, you say, "The bag were getting filled in a hurry. Kim and Allison franticly throwing everything they had in the bag. The looks on their face was of complete terror." I would consider shortening this to "Kim and Allison frantically filled the bag in a hurry. They were terrified." A couple of paragraphs later, you have, "passed him. Then reached". This should be "passed him, then reached". Otherwise, the second sentence is a sentence fragment. Finally, in that paragraph, "Bandits right thigh" should be "Bandit's right thigh", because you're attempting to show possession.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story! It was an enjoyable read that would be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to do so, I would be happy to review the story again afterward. Regardless, I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

Reach for the stars Simply Positive signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
191
191
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I chose your story to review because of the description's promise of insignificance. I wanted to see if you could take an admittedly insignificant story and make it interesting. I must say that you did just that. Although the story was rather short, it was complete and left nothing to be desired. Your character description was adequate for this piece, and I have to say that I love the name "Bretta".

I especially like the way you manage to add a hint of mystery to this little story. The fact that the characters knew each other left me wondering what their history was and what type of relationship they had. Would they be rekindling an old flame, or had they been mere acquaintances? I like the fact that this piece made me wonder those things. It allows the reader's imagination to take over and fill in the blanks. Good job!

"Leaves became kites in the updraft and the trees were like mailmen, scattering their lofty goods throughout the bustle of the city." *Left* This was my favorite line in the story. I loved the imagery it brought to mind!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: The title of this story didn't work for me. I understand your meaning behind it, but it just seemed a little off. I would suggest something like "A Chicago Moment" or "A Moment in Time". The formatting of this piece looks a bit off as well. There's no indentation in the first paragraph, but the remaining paragraphs are indented. I suggest either indenting all of them or none of them.

I think you worked a little too hard in this piece to give descriptions of things. For instance, in just the first paragraph, you used "woolen brown cap", "velvety handbag", "tawny faux-fur coat", "bleached blonde hair". While I like the fact that you made it easy for the reader to develop an image of Bretta, I think it could be done in a less obvious way. This paragraph seemed a bit bogged down with the descriptions.

In the next-to-last sentence of the first paragraph, I would insert "it" after "chilly without". In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would change "attentions" to "attention". I would also omit "proper" from that sentence and change the semicolon after "suit" to a comma. I would also omit "from himself" from that sentence, as I think it makes it a bit confusing. I would also change "as if the passage of time paused" to simply "as if time stood still".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting short story. I enjoyed the read, and I can already tell that you're going to be a great addition to the WDC community. I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

Reach for the stars Simply Positive signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
192
192
Review of The Irony of It  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I chose this story because of the interesting title and the even more interesting description, and I'm glad I did! This was a great short story! I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete story using 300 words or less, from a prompt, but you made it seem effortless here. I love the way you used the idea of writing a story from the given prompt in the story itself. I did something similar when I was in a contest in which I had to write 30 poems in 30 days and one of the prompts just didn't inspire me.

I especially like the way you incorporated things you normally do into the story. I could easily see something like this happening, and your dialogue was spot-on. The story was interesting from beginning to end, and I particularly liked the ending. It wrapped the story up nicely and left nothing to be desired. Great job!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: Because of your terrific writing style and obvious eye for detail, I had to comb this piece in order to find suggestions to offer. Still, I was only able to find a few.

Near the end of the story, "I can't get passed" should be "I can't get past". Just keep in mind that "past" relates to location/distance while "passed" is used to describe the action of passing.

In the second-from-last paragraph, I couldn't figure out why the apostrophe was used after the word "story". I suggest omitting it.

Despite my best efforts, I have no more suggestions for improvement. This story was interesting, well-written and concise.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent read! I thoroughly enjoyed this short story, and I can already tell you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

Reach for the stars Simply Positive signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
193
193
Review of The Suicide Tree  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: Wow! You pack quite a bit of emotion into this short piece! You have a terrific idea here, and the story was interesting and original. Although it was rather short, it was adequate and definitely left me with something to think about. I love the way you personified the tree, and the ending was superb!

The last line of the story, "she became one with the tree", was my favorite. Even after the hint in the title of the story, I wasn't expecting this little twist at the end. Good job!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: The format of this piece sort of ruined it for me. When I saw that it was written in such big bold letters with no capitalization, I almost didn't even read it. I can understand from the story's description that you wanted to hurry and type the piece while it was still fresh in your mind, and that's understandable. However, after you do that, then it's time to go back to it and format and revise! Upon first glance, this little piece that has so much to offer the reader looks like it would be just fluff. I urge you to edit this piece to attract more readers!

I would begin by using a smaller font and using capitalization at the beginning of every sentence. I would then separate the story into paragraphs for an even easier read. I think the second sentence would read more smoothly if you changed "she would only feel" to "she only felt". In the next sentence, I would add the word "and" before "her dad". Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence here. In the next sentence, I would change "would bully" to "bullied", again to make for a smoother read.

A couple of sentences later, you switch from past tense to present tense. I would revise so that the entire story is in past tense. In the next sentence, I would omit "of which she named". I would add "a smell that made her happy" to the end of the previous sentence. As it is, this is a sentence fragment, because there is no verb. The apostrophe should be omitted from the word "asks". When you go on to tell what she asks, it should be in quotation marks. Next, the apostrophe in "agrees" should be omitted. Finally, in the last sentence, I would insert the word "in" before "years to come".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: This is a good idea that could be so much better if you took the time to edit it! Should you choose to do so, I would be happy to review it again afterwards. Thank you for sharing this emotion-filled piece. I enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work!

Reach for the stars Simply Positive signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
194
194
Review of At What Price?  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: First of all, let me say that I'm impressed and amazed by the number of stories in your port. I love flash fiction, and I definitely know where to go now to get my fix!

This was an excellent story! I know from experience how difficult it is to write a complete and interesting story in 300 words or less, and you made it seem effortless here. I was especially impressed that you came up with this little gem from the three words listed after the end of the story!

The characters were interesting, and it was easy to imagine poor Jed's reaction to the eccentric Aiden. I like the way, even though Aiden seemed younger after drinking the elixir, Jed nevertheless chalked his explanation up to him being a nutjob. I believe I would have to try to talk my way in there and drink from that fountain! You ended the story on a perfect note, with Jed just going on about his day like he encountered something like that every day. Loved it!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: The first few sentences seem a little short and unconnected and got the story off to a bit of a slow start. I suggest that you consider combining the first two sentences to read, "Jed looked at his work order and compared the street address before grabbing his tools and sauntering up the stone walkway." It wouldn't affect your word count, because "before" replaced "he", leaving the story at 300 words. I suggest doing the same to the next to sentences to read, "Overgrown shrubs encroached upon it, and he had to turn sideways to get through. That would change the word count, so a word would need to be omitted later.

I would suggest dropping "front" from the first sentence of the next paragraph, because most people would assume he was knocking on the front door regardless. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would move the comma after "damage" to after "down". In the third paragraph, "he" shouldn't be capitalized, because it's a continuation of the sentence after the quote.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this great short story! I really enjoyed the read, and I can't wait to come back to your port and read some more from the plethora of short stories!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
195
195
Review of Beautiful Hunter  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: First of all, I love the title you chose for this story. It works so well with the content, and I like that the hunter was hunting the beautiful rather than being beautiful himself. The prompt you used could have gone so many ways, and I like that you chose to write a humorous piece from it. It was easy to imagine the scene that you described, and I got a few chuckles out of it. It was a very original idea, and I like the way it played out.

I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete story with a limited word count, and you did a good job of that here. The transition from the narrator napping on the grass to the scene happening nearby was a bit bumpy. I love the way the story ended with the narrator's confusion when he woke up, but maybe, you could find a better transition at the beginning. It's difficult to write a story in first person narrative, yet tell what happens while the narrator sleeps. Maybe this one would work better in third person, at least to avoid that bumpy transition and confusion.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I would consider rearranging the first sentence to read, "I sit in the soft grass at the park and close my eyes." You say in the second sentence that the grass feels cool and green. How does green feel? I would consider changing this to simply "The grass feels cool." Also, you begin the story in present tense with "sit" and "feels", but in the third sentence, you say "I was too young for this." In order to remain in present tense, the sentence should be changed to "I am too young for this." In the last sentence of the first paragraph, the comma after "eyes" should be omitted.

In the second paragraph, you also switch back and forth between present and past tense. I suggest choosing one and staying with it. Also in the second paragraph, you say "with a curly beard spotted with gray". In order to make the gray spotting more significant, I suggest you tell what color the rest of the beard is. Near the end of that paragraph, the comma after "larger" should be omitted. In the fourth paragraph, "pageant" is spelled incorrectly. In that paragraph, you also go back and forth between tenses, and again, I suggest sticking with one. It seems that most of the story is in present tense, so I would change everything to reflect that.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for providing this funny little piece. It's a good story that would be even better after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I would be happy to take another look at it afterward. I enjoyed reading this and look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


My beautiful PR Ornament Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
196
196
Review of The Conjuring  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Jeannie . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item.*UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I came across this little gem in your port, and, although it's a bit longer than the pieces I normally read and review, after reading the title and description, I just couldn't resist. I'm glad I have little willpower, because I loved this story! I have always been a bit fascinated with Ouija Boards, and this story made me glad that I have never used one!

You did a terrific job of describing the characters and the scene, and it was easy for me to imagine what Sandy's house looked like. You also did a good job of showing, rather than just telling the story. Especially when you told about Sandy and Kerri's fear, I found it easy to not only empathize with them but also feel a bit uneasy myself. I like they way you provided background about Sandy's husband as you went along rather than just bogging down the story by telling it all at once. It was easy to see why she would resort to a Ouija Board to try to communicate with him.

First person narrative worked well for this story, and I think it helped me to become more involved. I loved the way you increased the pace of the story during the tense moments. That's difficult to do, but you made it seem effortless. I also like that you didn't go overboard in describing the beast that was after the women. It was good to leave some parts to the imagination, especially since it was too dark for Kerri to get a good look at it.

Finally, I love the way you ended the story. It really caught me by surprise, because I was expecting a happy ending with Kerri and Sandy safe and the monster gone from their lives. I must say that this worked MUCH better! I absolutely love a story that is complete but still leaves the reader hanging at the end. This one done just that. Great job!!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "flashes" so that "followed by lightning flashes" is set off with commas. Also, at the end of that sentence, I don't know that you'd be excited enough by answering the phone to warrant an exclamation point. I suggest changing it to a question mark instead. In the fifth paragraph, I would change the comma after "hall closet" to the word and. In the next sentence, "this is where I onto Sandy’s country road" didn't make sentence. I would insert the word "turned" before onto. I would also change the word "this" to "that" to make it flow better with the past tense story. In the following sentence, "squinting" should be "squinted". Two paragraphs later, "Strained" should be "Straining". In that sentence, I would change "saw what I saw" to "saw what I thought I saw". In the next sentence, I would change the comma after "driveway" to the word "and".

Read this sentence without the context of the rest of the story. "Dress in a ratty robe, hair uncombed with fingernails chewed to the bone, my eyes grew wide as I assessed her." Doesn't it seem like you were the one dressed in the ratty robe with your hair uncombed and your nails chewed? I suggest changing this to, "She was dressed in a ratty robe, her hair uncombed and her fingernails chewed to the bone, and my eyes grew wide as I assessed her." In the next paragraph, I would change "teardrops fell" to "teardrops falling". In the next paragraph, "Without no make-up" should be either "With no makeup" or "Without any makeup". "Without no" is a double negative. In that same sentence, I would change the comma after "older" to "and the".

A few paragraphs later, I would change "She took a huge breath... Then began" to "She took a huge breath, then began". Toward the end of that paragraph, "It'll keep this up" should be "It kept that up". In the next sentence, "haven't" should be "hadn't". A few paragraphs later, "red eyes that seems" should be "red eyes that seem". The sentence "Walking over to the phone, Sandy stopped me midway." is like the earlier one that I pointed out to you. If you just read it, it appears that Sandy is the one walking over to the phone. I would change this to, "I walked toward the phone, but Sandy stopped me midway."

A few paragraphs later, "The doors locked" should be "The door's locked" since you're using it as a contraction for "door is". In that paragraph, "goosebumps" shouldn't be capitalized. In the next sentence, "was head back" should be "was to head back". A couple of paragraphs later, "but you really need you to" should be either "but I really need you to" or "you really need to". Later, the sentence that ends "Sandy stepped back, so did" didn't make sentence. Did you mean, "Sandy stepped back; so did I."? In that paragraph, the word "a" should be omitted before "sharp claws". In that same paragraph, I would change "my skin on my shoulder" to "the skin on my shoulder", because if it's on your shoulder, it goes without saying that it's your skin.

Several paragraphs later, in the sentence, "I bent to see if I could pick it when I smelled...", the word "up" should be inserted between "it" and "when". In the next paragraph, "it'll open" should be "it would open". In the next paragraph, "sounded" should be "sound". Several paragraphs later, "what we're dealing with here" should be "what we were dealing with here" to keep the story in past tense. Three paragraphs later, "told him what happen" should be "told him what happened". In the next sentence, "we've" should be "we had". In the next paragraph, there should be closing quotes after "maybe me too". The paragraph after that, "that things hanging around" should be "that thing hanging around".

In the next paragraph, "Board" is spelled incorrectly. In the next paragraph, there should be closing quotes after "Pacific Ocean". In the next paragraph, "yacht" shouldn't be capitalized. Several paragraphs later, in the sentence, "saw it was no longer was there", one of the instances of "was" should be omitted. There writing ML at the end of the story ({/s}) that should be deleted.

Finally, I found it a little hard to believe that it would take Phil so long to get there with the authorities. I mean, if he feared that his wife was in danger, even if he was really far away, wouldn't he have called the local authorities to ensure her safety? Furthermore, wouldn't she have called them? Something to think about.

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this scary little story! I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I'll definitely be back to your port soon!


*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


My SAJ Charity Ornament Sig




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
197
197
Review of Woman Bites Dog  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, PandaPaws; VET TECH in 2020! . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I was somewhat horrified while reading this story, because the thought that Sarah had bitten dogs was looming in the back of my mind. While the description of the story isn't misleading, it made be think that Sarah was hiding something very dark. I think that worked really well! I got a good chuckle at the end, though. This was a great story! You held my interest throughout, and your descriptive writing allowed me to almost feel Sarah's panic at the arrival of the television crew. When you spoke of her crazy antics while growing up in Kentucky, numerous possibilities entered my mind, and I was somewhat relieved to find out her "dark" secret was really not too bad.

Although this story is rather short, it is complete; you gave sufficient character descriptions and background information, and it was easy to imagine the scenes as you described them. And the ending of the story was terrific. I love stories with a totally unexpected ending, and this one was superb!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would suggest skipping a line between the paragraphs to make the story easier to read and more visually appealing.

You described Man Bites Dog as a reality show, but that's pretty much all we learn about it. While I think a bit of ambiguity is good in this instance, I think it was a little too ambiguous here. After all, if candidate for the show had changed his name several times to avoid his past, then it would have had to have been a lot worse than Sarah's. While I love the story's title, I don't know if the name of the show being "Man Bites Dog" works well with this story. I would consider changing the name of the show to something like "You Did WHAT?!?" That would be sufficient allow the reader to think that Sarah did something horrible but wouldn't be so misleading.

In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "house" so that "right in front of her house" is set off with commas. I would either italicize "Oh no" or put in in quotes to make it more apparent that it was Sarah's thought. Also, that sentence is a run-on sentence. This could be remedied by changing the comma after "deep breath" to a semicolon. Otherwise, you have two complete sentences separated with only a comma and no conjunction. You have the same issue a couple of sentences later with, "Could she hide and ignore it, should she answer it?" I would suggest inserting the word "or" after the comma to remedy this run-on sentence. You have the same issue again with the last sentence of that paragraph. I would remedy it this time by changing the comma after "window" to a semicolon. A couple of sentences later, the issue comes up again. While I think you may have been just trying to show how frantic Sarah was by running her thoughts together, doing in so much in such a short space somewhat detracted from the story for me.

When the burly crew member asked for a moment of her time, the sentence should have ended in a question mark, and the punctuation should be inside the quotations rather than afterward like the comma is. It was very hard for me to believe that a television crew would stop at a stranger's house and ask for dinner. I can't imagine that happening anywhere, especially with all the restaurants around, not to mention the dangers involved in doing that. Also, "they could almost taste the cornbread" didn't seem to fit the rest of the story for me. The rest of the story was told from Sarah's point of view, and it seemed strange to switch to the crew's POV here.

Finally, in the last sentence of the story, I would omit either "However" or "though" because they mean the same thing.

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this great short story. I really enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work!


*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


My SAJ Charity Ornament Sig




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
198
198
Review of A day's eye  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Dragon Christmas to all! ch28 . I am honored to review your flashback as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: This is a very interesting way to set up the plot of a novel, and it seems like it would be a great story. However, it was extremely difficult to get into the story due to all of the grammatical and mechanical errors. I think you have a great plot, and Shellie and Darkie seem like likable characters that would be easy for a wide variety of readers to relate to. In this short piece, you had me empathizing with both characters as well as worrying about what the five strangers would do to them. I like the way you ended the piece with a cliffhanger. You definitely left me wanting to read more, which I believe is what you intended with this piece. Good job!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: First of all, II would capitalize every word in the title to make the story appear more visually appealing. In that regard, I would also change the description from "Shellie = protagonist" to "Shellie is the protagonist. I would also omit "in a way" and "*cough*". I think that would also make the piece seem more serious and professionally written.

It seems that you intended to write this in past tense, but you switch from past to present often. I suggest doing a complete edit to remedy this. For instance, in the first paragraph, "Darkie was" should be changed to "Darkie is". In the third paragraph, "Shellie dislikes" should be "Shellie disliked" and "there are" should be "there were". In the fourth paragraph, "they are" should be "they were". In the fifth paragraph, "Shellie starts" should be "Shellie started". In the seventh paragraph, "Shellie follows" should be "Shellie followed".

I would omit the word "too" at the end of second sentence. I found the addition of that word confusing, as I couldn't find any other thing that it could relate to. The following sentence made no sense to me: "They looked too strong to do some defensive moves in the matter that they decided to do something." Did you mean something like "They looked so strong that Shellie doubted she'd be able to defend herself should they decide to do something."? Also, in that paragraph, "Turning her back would not upset her friend at this point as long as those strangers would not mention her." confused me. What do you mean by "as long as those strangers would not mention her"? Did you mean mention that she turned her back on Darkie? Wouldn't Darkie have noticed without the strangers mentioning it? In the last paragraph, "and going" should be "and were going".

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: This is a good piece that would be much better after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I would be happy to take a look at it again afterwards. Thank you for sharing, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


My SAJ Charity Ornament Sig




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
199
199
Review of The Hill  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, CJ Reddick . I am honored to review your short shory as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I was a bit skeptical when I saw that the first three paragraphs of the story quoted a history lesson but soon discovered the necessity of that. It provided adequate background information without bogging down the story. It wrapped everything up nicely so you could start out with the actual plot. Great idea!

I loved the imagery in this story! Your descriptive writing style made it so easy to visualize the scenes that you described. The queen's castle covered with glowworms for light was an image that stuck with me. And Alabanda's demise was fantastic! You do a great job of showing, rather than just telling, the story, and I was captivated throughout.

The ending of this story was superb! Toward the end, I noticed that you said "my other legs", and I immediately thought it was a typo, because up until that point, I had assumed everyone was normal (except for living in underground tunnels). But the next few paragraphs cleared it all up. Wow! That was absolutely unexpected, and it was a perfect twist. I thought for a second that it had only been a dream. But you wouldn't have been satisfied with that. You had to blow us away with this original twist at the end. Excellent! I can easily see why an awardicon graces this story.

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: In the sentence, "Our food was in good supply, the pantry was stocked full of delicious morsels.", I would change the comma to a semicolon. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence, because it's two complete sentences separated only by a comma with no conjunction.

In the sentences, "“Wait?” Alabanda demanded. “We must sacrifice the queen!", I would either change the exclamation point to a question mark or add a question mark to it, because Alabanda is asking a question here. In fact, I would consider changing the question mark after "Wait" to an exclamation point as well.

In the sentences, "“What? I’m not going to…” Alabanda suddenly screamed. “Erch!”", I would consider omitting "Alabanda suddenly screamed." The sound he made afterward makes it apparent that he was screaming, and because this part of the story is action-packed, that just sort of slowed it down a bit for me. Also, you mention a hideous scream from him in the following paragraph, and it seems to work much better there.

In the next part of the story, a comma should be inserted after "Exactly one hour later". A few paragraphs later, "directed the woman and children" should be "directed the women and children".

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this magnificent story! I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I can't wait to read more of your work.


*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


My SAJ Charity Ornament Sig




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
200
200
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I really enjoyed this short story! About halfway through, I had figured out the ending, but that didn't matter. The story held my interest from the first line to the last word, and I think the way you ended the story was superb. I like the fact that the narrator didn't just write Bill off because of the misunderstanding. The story was funny, but there was also that bit of realism, with Bill talking about his family, to make the story even more memorable.

I loved the mention of the $7 beers at ballgames. This is something that I'm sure many people can relate to. *Laugh*

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would suggest omitting some of the spaces between the paragraphs. I think the story would be easier to read and more visually appealing if there was only one space between the paragraphs. Next, I would change the story type from "Other" to "Short Story". I would also add another genre, such as "Comedy", because "Contest Entry" gives the reader no idea of what to expect from the story.

In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Instead". In the first sentence of the second paragraph, you have "the one the one". One of them should be omitted. A few sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "Possibly". In the fifth paragraph, a period should be inserted after "ridiculous" before the closing quotes. In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "though" to a semicolon. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence. In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "William". Five paragraphs later, in the sentence, "Ah, Yes.", "yes" shouldn't be capitalized.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this humorous little story. I enjoyed the read and look forward to visiting your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
550 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 22 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/outoftouch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/8