|Please understand that this review is based on my own opinion and thoughts. I am not a professional editor or writer, although, I wish I were! Any suggestions made here are made in an honest and caring effort to help you identify possible areas of improvement, and to share what I believe worked well for you in this writing.
A review for you! From: Lady Patrece of House Hightower "Game of Thrones"
Initial impression of your piece:
I see at the bottom you made a notation of it being for the "Writers Cramp", so I am guessing you were limited in how many words could be used in writing this. Perhaps, that lent to the 'rushed' feeling of it. I understand, that in a writing contest this can be a usual occurrence, due to the rules applied. Been there myself many times. I found it to be charming, that these two people fell in love in an elevator and in passing. It makes me question if it can be true love, or an attraction to each other. I found myself feeling angry at her "friends", because if they were true friends, she would not have lost them over the situation at work. Obviously Charlie, was spoiled and catered to, and it was his doing that they were let go. Your piece kept me reading to get more information, but it moved too quickly to get it. There are so many questions left to the reader. Is this a criticism? NO, not at all. It is, in my opinion, a sign that you could build this into a longer writing, one that fills in all of the gaps; like, why did elevator guy have to testify and be in protective custody? What was the deal where Charlene was employed, and with Charlie? How long had John and Charlene been acquainted in passing? And so many other loose ends that could all be tied up in a larger piece. GO for it! Your writing, grammar, punctuation is very good! You've got this!
What I really liked:!
When John showed up at the locker and was not dead, as presumed turned the whole plot around, especially after he explained his situation. Also, the romantic in me enjoyed the fact that John and Charlene were willing to embrace their feelings for one another, and take a chance at a future together, that obviously would not be a simple one.
In the phrase of the letter Charlene was reading from John, Now it’s an antique that I hope you’ll cherish., I am wondering if there should be a comma after the word 'Now'.
Final Thoughts / Side Notes:
I'd love to see you open this up and run with it. I have too many unanswered questions and I wanna know more! I think if you were to write this without the confines of a contest, it could turn out to be a great read!
Just do the next WRITE thing!