Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

quiver and - quiver, and

room, and - room and

garage, and - garage and

revealed it - revealed, it

construction and - construction, and

candy store was. - candy store.

after, the one - after the one

row, would in fact, kill - row would, in fact, kill

alive, and - alive and

The E word." - who says this dialogue?

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

uniform and - uniform, and

She smile - She smiled

unpacked, the - unpacked. The

her she would - her, she would

time she - time, she

all and - all, and

quick’ She - quick,’ she

Nina’ - Nina.’

followed and - followed, and

room the - room, the

wrong’ said - wrong,’ said

hungry’ she - hungry,’ she

‘it hurts. - ‘It hurts.

Im hungry - I'm hungry

it hurts’ - it hurts.’

Fowles’ - Fowles.’

open and - open, and

anybody’ she - anybody,’ she

‘this has - ‘This has

secret’ - secret.’

dorm and - dorm, and

efficiency we - efficiency, we

tirelessly to for our - tirelessly for our

queen...But - queen. . . . But

worked Nina - worked, Nina

did we - did we.

dead and - dead, and

door she - door, she

Occasionally we look - Occasionally, we looked

from out - from our

me I could - me, I could

doors I started - doors, I started

Nina...’ - Nina. . . .’

cut.A - cut. A

A blood - Blood

cheeks, she - cheeks; she

‘Always’ - ‘Always.’

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

You may want to explain what a Coaster Station is.

There is a lot of internal dialogue. I suggest to use italics for that.

know all - know, all

receiver and - receiver, and

down so - down, so

car so - car, so

mistake…”  - mistake. . . ." use period and three dots for pause at end of a sentence. 

anymore but - anymore, but

door and - door, and

car but - car, but

change and - change, and

area and - area, and

watching and - watching, and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Some of the paragraphs begin on same line as previous paragraph. Take a look at this link for ellipes. http://www.kentlaw.edu/academics/lrw/grinker/LwtaE...


needs, the - needs, and the

ignored, dismissed - ignored, and dismissed

this way and - this way, and

much effort  and - much effort, and

home, no - home, and no

memories, and - memories and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

There is a lot of exclamation points in this poem. Use only a couple. It would be more effective.

Saturdays I - Saturdays, I

race I on! - race Is on!

cut - cuts - then it rhymes with ruts

time and - time, and

today there’s - today, there’s

Saturday…..another - Saturday's . . . another

This is a good idea that could be expanded into a regular story. I suggest that at the beginning or end advise the reader to read twice. The nature of this dialogue will only be understood at the end of the story. By reading twice, the story is truly comprehended.

other, I'm - other; I'm

chance, I - chance; I

"I'You - "You

friends, After - friends. After

seat, let's - seat; let's

you boy, I - you, boy. I

down, your - down; your

ma'am you - ma'am, you

trouble, have - trouble; have

Ma'am I - Ma'am, I

down or - down, or

know we - know; we

days, maybe - days; maybe

medicine, tell - medicine; tell

James, How - James, how

James you'll - James, you'll

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

This is well written. I did not find many errors.

- consider this - roam the slightly grey and hazy sky as she stretched in preparation for her run. A firm breeze whipping around her body indicated that a storm was definitely

foot pounding the pavement in - foot, pounding the pavement, in

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

foot, and - foot and

corner - corner,

need of it and - need of it, and

it and here - it, and here

around hers and - around hers, and

trees and - trees, and

daughter and - daughter and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

passed it - passed, it

beside - besides

leg they - leg, they

merited - merited,

uncomfortably - uncomfortably,

destination - destination

away and - away, and

bread - bread,

YOU - YOU,

turned - turned,

approach - approach,

fairs - fares

smile raised - smile, which raised

voice - voice,

well but - well, but

aside - aside,

around - around,

“He-“ - “He--“

it - it,

more - more,

come - come,

men - men,

Hector - Hector,

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

alligator Alex all - alligator, Alex, all

world - world,

beats - beats,

forest - forest,

igloo - igloo,

jury - jury,

joyful - joyful,

emonade - lemonade,

monkey - monkey,

shirts - shirts,

sweaters - sweaters,

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Work on your setting and characters. Write out a detail of where the action takes place. What does the room look like - etc. Write out a character detail for the girl, her guardian and the grandfather. You will add more life to your story with more details of scene and characters.

Really...I - for a pause - Really . . . I - for a end of sentence with a pause - Really. . . . I

worry unless - worry you unless

for to - for ( you - us) to

there; - there:

him he - him, he

grandfather except - grandfather, except

dragon otherwise he - dragon; otherwise, he

dragon he - dragon, he

*I sat there looking - Note - need a reaction here - shock - disbelief - anger - *

deep to my - deep in my

pact he - pact. He -

he moved - he caused

young and - young, and

started exactly I - started, exactly. I

them because - them was because

girls then - girls, then

on all - on, all

Of course your - Of course, your

members than - members, then

to him. - to them.

blood we - blood, we

prepare the - prepare for the

grandfather they - grandfather; they

looking fire looking dragon. - looking fire dragon.

awed of - awed by

who does - who do

which lost - which was lost

alarm - alarm,

anywhere it - anywhere; it

job - job,

be happening to - be coming for

*note - instead of something, this is where a detail description of the dragon goes.*

move - move,

room glaring - room, glaring

daughter and - daughter, and

waiting, it - waiting; it

afraid I - afraid; I

took his granddaughter - took me

woman and - woman, and

me I - me, I

this especially - this, especially

this he - this, he

family, I - family. I

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Em Dash
An em dash is the width of an m. Use an em dash sparingly in formal writing. In informal writing, em dashes may replace commas, semicolons, colons, and parentheses to indicate added emphasis, an interruption, or an abrupt change of thought.

guy…..but - guy . . . but no. - For a pause use three dots.

opportunity, and go - opportunity and to go - We need to seize and to go - is main thought.

south, maybe - south, or maybe

him- after - him--after

times I am - times, I am

somehow….. - somehow. . . . - For a pause at the end of a sentence use a period and three dots spaced.

vendor- I know - vendor. I know - I recommend a period here.

fault- he - fault. He - I recommend a period here.

explain- get - explain--get

blurt out- - blurt out--"Mikey

OK - OKAY

people and - people, and - compound sentence.

Ray, no - Ray; no

least it - least, it

years, and - years and

"I'm sorry, Dean, I just need this to end right now." - A transitional paragraph or two is needed before this line. It is confusing to the flow of the story.

thought Mr. - thought Mister

and tell - and to tell

so..." - so. . . ." Use for dots for a pause at the end of a sentence.

it, or break - it or break

said, and - said and

Take a look at the usage on "had" in the story.

at. All - at with all

came, they - came, the

winters day - winter's day

melancholy and - melancholy, and

robust but to Ezekiel she - robust, but to Ezekiel, she

motion the - motion, the

life yet, - life; yet,

yearn yet, - yearn; yet,

time he - time, he

and leap - and to leap

and tell - and to tell

gargoyles lot - gargoyle's lot

leaping or his arms not made for holding. - leaping nor his arms for holding.

brick, here not - brick, here, not

or laugh - or to laugh

and take - and to take

heart he - heart, he

days and - days, and

Spring and - Spring, and

warmed her - warmed, her

Sometimes she - Sometimes, she

friends, sometimes she - friends; sometimes, she

hurt, yet what - hurt; yet, what

The electric thrill that rushed through him as he stared into soft green eyes set in a face he would never touch both - I would structure as follows - The electric thrill, which rushed through him as he stared into soft green eyes set in a face he would never touch, both

sadness he - sadness, he

him, crashed

same yet it’s - same; yet, it’s

how, he - how; he

that, there - that; there

gargoyles wife - gargoyle's wife

ago but - ago, but

this” called - this,” called

added unnecessarily - added, unnecessarily,

attic” - attic.”

said “still there’s - said. “Still, there’s

taste I suppose” - taste, I suppose.”

Cezannes” said - Cezannes,” said

foot “stolen - foot, “stolen

ago” - ago.”

saying we - saying, we

Mona, - Mona;

about it” - about it.”

mobile, this - mobile. This

said “Vincent - said. “Vincent

let’s go” - let’s go.”

today” he - today,” he

told her - told her.

died, apparently I’m - died; apparently, I’m

his attic. - his attic."

There was - I suggest presenting this first paragraph with dialogue. I like this first paragraph. It presents details that intrigue the reader.

face but at this point I - face, but, at this, point I

Universe? “ - Universe?" - these is space as well as reversed "

black and - black, and

me, I could - me; I could

there and - there, and

a ton. - this does not fit your series of numbers. Try - thousands.

Jacob leapt - I suggest starting a new paragraph.

“Here!” He - “Here!” he

Jacob but - Jacob, but

here Becca - here, Becca

ground and - ground, and

ground and as - ground, and as

away Jacob - away, Jacob

in to stars. - into stars.

fell and - fell, and

“Jacob, this - move this line up to I said,

on, with - on with

her and - her, and

then you - then, you

class” and - class,” and - or - class.” Then, she

5th - fifth

paintings, and - Use a comma. This is two sentences.

experience.” Jakob - experience,” Jakob

to face the him. - to face him.

inspiration, and - Two sentences.

these, and - Two sentences.

hungry but it was a diversion, something - hungry, but it was a diversion: something

ghosts, and - Two sentences.

hexed, are - hexed? Are

deal, and - Two sentences.

tractor, it's - tractor: it's

farmer, and - Use comma with items in a series.

mind.” David - mind,” David

place in - place, in

thirty's. Long - thirty's, long

soul, because - soul because

“David it - “David, it

Send me an the - Send me the

doing.” He - doing,” he

Immediately David - Immediately, David

contract, and - Two sentences.

prints; one - prints: one

smaller, but - Two sentences.

truck the ruts - truck, the ruts

below; a - below: a

farm, but was - farm, but it was

day he - day, he

people, but - Two sentences.

him the - him; the

35 years - thirty-five - for numbers less than one hundred write them out.

now… now….Now I - now . . . now. . . . Now, I - for a pause use word space three dots each spaced and word. For a pause at end of sentence use word. then three dots with space between them.

with FBI - with the FBI

“Thanks babe - “Thanks, babe

crazy so - crazy, so

electric and - electric, and

plug and - plug, and

yard she - yard, she

something it - something, it

untreated and - untreated, and

else’s but - else’s, but

“Oh babe it was - “Oh, babe, it was

First they - First, they

me and - me, and

Then they - Then, they

done they - done, they

joking but - joking, but

lead to but - lead to, but

job and like - job, and like,

screening and the pay, well the - screening, and the pay, well, the

“Well what - “Well, what

At least that - At least, that

“Hey maybe - “Hey, maybe

liars and - liars, and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Your paragraphs do not need to be indented because there is space between them.

Your story is written in past tense and present tense. Select one tense and use that.

The ending is telegraphed a bit by the choice of words. To give a bigger punch to the ending, make it more subtle.


room, quietly so - room, quietly, so

door,” Screamed - door,” screamed

Joseph you - Joseph, you

Why what - Why, what

Kelsey proclaimed - Kelsey shot back - Kelsey retorted with - consider other words

there and we - there, and we

red and her - red, and her

Oh Boo little baby Joseph - consider other words - this telegraphs ending - suggest - Don't be a wuss, Joseph

freaking little wimp - suggest delete little - telegraphs ending

guys doing,” - guys doing?”

them? - them.

loud, what’s - loud; what’s

door, he’s - door; he’s

idiot Kelsey! - idiot, Kelsey!

Keep me out,” - Leave me out,” - leave seems more natural

you Joseph no - you, Joseph, no

Great you idiot now - Great, you idiot, now

doorway they - doorway, they

with the large - with a large

bedroom,” - bedroom?”

No dad honest - No dad, honest

rooms,” said the father - rooms,” he said

You know the - You know, the

the father said hugging his wife with a smile. - the father said, hugging his wife, with a smile.

could, but - could but or could, but he when you are using a comma plus conj. make sure both subject and verb are present. If they are not, delete the comma. * there are several place to correct this.*

butterfly? He - butterfly? he - use lower case. *There are several places to correct this.*

Maybe if I stop she will find me, he thought as he looked for a place to sit down. Just - Maybe if I stop, she will find me, he thought as he looked for a place to sit down. Just - Use a comma after stop and italics for the thought.

a tree and he - a tree, and he

inside so he - inside, so he

squeezed in he felt - squeezed in, he felt

God,” he whispered. “Is - God,” he whispered, “is - This feels like a continuation and is written in this way.

heels which were - heels, which were - Use comma with which; That does not need comma.

“Mom where - “Mom, where

At least the sun shining - At least, the sun was shining

anymore and I will - anymore, and I will

sobbing and his - sobbing, and his

Maybe it was his coat. His dad bought for him and he didn’t suggest - Maybe it was his coat that his dad bought for him, but he didn’t - But gives stronger contrast.

elbows back he - elbows back. he

strength….and - strength . . . and - for a pause - word space three dots space word.

stuck in the coat. He was stuck in a coat while - stuck in the coat while

down and after a few - down and, after a few

Drip, drip, drip. - Drip, drip, drip. Use italics for sounds.

wet now and should - wet now, which should - Which seems to fit better.

This time it - This time, it

All of a sudden face - All of a sudden, he landed face - Subject and verb were needed.

pouring and he - pouring, and he

name, “Mikee!” - name. “Mikee!”

It was his mom. Her voice - His mom's voice

leaves but he - leaves, but he

over he called - over, he called

see so he - see, so he

branch and he - branch, and he

is!” Called - is!” called

you God for - you, God, for

“Mom I - “Mom, I

time it was okay. - time, it was okay.

mom and that’s - mom, and that’s

about. Except the leaves of course. - about, except the leaves, of course.

*This is a lot of words. Make it simple.*
I remember this place; this place from the before time. Where it all started, and where it shall end. If I think back far enough I can almost remember. The memory is there, I just have to reach it. I just have to remember hard enough.

*This is my suggestion*
I remember this place where it all started, and where it shall end.

were three - this is confusing - Jafir makes 4 - needs explanation.

land? To - land to

blue sheen I - blue sheen, I

admired green - admired the green

people, to - people to

him he was mad. That - him that he was mad and that

I realized...the - I realized . . . the

below I saw - below, I saw

senses I - senses, I

him thrash about. His gangly - him with his gangly

way, his green eyes open - way. His green eyes were open

Only he - Only, he

Later Jafir - Later. Jafir

me, or die - me or die

words Jafir - words, Jafir

time I followed - time, I followed

ground and suddenly I - ground, and suddenly, I

another bought - another bout *not sure if this is word you want*

time I - time, I

of will. - of wills.

confident - confidante

her lost is what I regret most. - her loss, I regret most.

be or the world - be, or the world

eyes, the - eyes, and the

magic out me - magic out of me

Suddenly an - Suddenly, an

again the land - again, the land

barren. Devoid - barren: devoid

arrogance I failed - arrogance, I failed

instead I have - instead, I have -

once and it doomed - once, and it doomed

Fallen and I - Fallen, and I

The text is centered. It should be left justified.

last, all - last; all - or - last, and all

Charlene...she - Charlene . . . she

Knowing that - this sentence is missing a subject

there, before - there before

south. Before - south and before

should be, the - should be. Ihe

South and the - South, and the

aid, only to - aid only to

massacre, the - massacre. The

battlement I could - battlement, I could

post, Charlene - post with Charlene

I myself was - I was

my wits I saw - my wits, I saw

me, only his - me. Only, his

Citadel I looked - Citadel, I looked

fall, his body - fall; his body

end I saw - end, I saw

around I saw - around, I saw

enemy, some - enemy while others

opened and we - opened, and we

safety. Briggs - safety: Briggs

excitement I had - excitement, I had

that he charged - that, he charged

Keep and I - Keep, and I

evil and I will - evil, and I will

I noticed that "had" is used a lot. Consider this article: http://ezinearticles.com/?An-Alternative-to-Had&id...

I noticed as well that some of your paragraph breaks have no space between them.

I also noticed the exclamation point is used a lot. Once or twice in the story would be enough.


“Liana” barked Mr. Demphy, “Are - “Liana,” barked Mr. Demphy, “are - comma after Liana and in the continuation of a quote, the second part of quote is not capitalized.

weeklong - week long

day and the - day, and the

her, because of which she - her; she - because of which - this is not needed.

“Ok, everyone! Gather - “Okay, everyone, gather

around, we - around. We - or - around; we

wish to cherish it,” - wish to cherish,” it mot needed

sunset” said Mr. Demphy, “Disperse!" - sunset,” said Mr. Demphy, “disperse!”

cute and most of all, - cute, and most of all,

say and in turn, had - say and, in turn, had

grumbling and it - grumbling, and it

Josh and Ariana! - Josh, and Ariana!

“Hey, Liana lets - “Hey, Liana, let's

with Katie, she was - with Katie, who was - or - with Katie; she was

sometime - some time

sight and I bent - sight, and I bent

“Oh…Aiden. What…are you - “Oh . . . Aiden. What . . . are you

“Er….same - “Er . . . same

promise” I said - promise,” I said

Its around here - It's around here

“Its this way” - “It's this way”