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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/penn
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333 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Thoughts......  
Review by penn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I think you have an admirable perspective on erotic writing. Too much of the genre deals with doing the deed and having read a couple of you pieces I think you grasp that the emotions and acts that proceed the climax need to prep you reader first. A key point here is the reader doesn't really know if it's taking place or if it's thoughts during self pleasure. It's not just sexy, it's tender.
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Review by penn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Certainly worth reading further, but a couple of things lead me to comment. First, the first chapter certainly suggests further reading is worthy.

Understand, I recently finished a Cutler story that had engaging description of "environment" and I was left with that as comparison though I could cite others. The opening line here, "Pleasant bird sounds plied the...." left me wanting. I kept thinking back on that as I read further "sensories and visuals" you wrote. You can be highly descriptive so I was left wanting by the opening sentence. Which horzon? Is it morning creep or end of day? What are the surroundings?

The second segment (transition)... I understand it should leave us curious as to relevance and I like that concept (I read a lot of intrigue - about 2 a month) but I also felt the matter of infidelity was treated with less intensity than the first segment so it seemed a little bit of a side thought than it did something that was going to play into the first even though we know there is going to be a connection.

My thoughts should not at all be considered critical but rather hopefully constructive because you have done a nice job of creating the introduction to more to come. I did keep thinking - you are good at this.

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Review of Finally  
Review by penn
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Comments I offer on other's work are simply the impression of a reader. I'm not an editor or a critic and I've written enough bad stuff to know what a reviewer's comments can feel like. Please, take this as an impression from someone who is simply here to enjoy writing and reading your stories.

Try out the
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The Weekly Quickie Contest  (18+)
Can you excite in 690 words? Month: May Theme: Flowers
#1355442 by Dawn Embers


Title: Finally

A direct reference to the prompt

Prompt: A desire unanswered, one day becomes realized

Initially it seemed a fleeting reference, but it was there.

What I liked:

Mental and emotional conflict. I always think that makes a story more engaging Thumbs up - Cool

Characters and Imagery:

At first I thought this missed the mark, but when I thought back on it I realized I was more engaged with them than I thought.

Sizzle!

This too was a bit fleeting, but we know where it’s headed.

Really good lines:

set off a cataclysm of sweet ecstasy that spread out over her skin and pooled in her loins

I thought that was yummy – and who doesn’t want to cause that?

What I had some issue with:

the story plays on a specific “hang up” of one character but there isn’t a reason for us to understand. I think the run up could have used some sense of why one person’s taste may have made the other feel lacking.

General Thoughts:

I enjoyed this story and found myself cheering for her. Expanding it would allow us to understand the conflict a bit more rather than jumping into it.
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Review of All American Boy  
Review by penn
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Comments I offer on other's work are simply the impression of a reader. I'm not an editor or a critic and I've written enough bad stuff to know what a reviewer's comments can feel like. Please, take this as an impression from someone who is simply here to enjoy writing and reading your stories.

Reviewed for
FORUM
The Weekly Quickie Contest  (18+)
Can you excite in 690 words? Month: May Theme: Flowers
#1355442 by Dawn Embers


Title: All American Boy

The title gets the mind going quickly as to here this story is going to take us if you know the prompt.

Prompt: Sometimes a strong character snares one that is unsuspecting, even if cautiously wanting. I’d like the unsuspecting character to be male. The strong character is your choice and may be more than one. Here's the catch - I would also like the strong character(s) to represent a life style the other may find a bit intimidating.

This story conveyed the elements of the prompt nicely and believably.

What I liked:

I tend to like this writer’s style a great deal. We can find a character that we’ve all known at some time or another and the story line flows smoothly. It all feels natural and unforced. I didn’t have to make myself believe it. I also felt the language used really brought the story to life. Though some might find it distasteful, the bold opening gets right in your face and says "read me." Thumbs up - Cool

Characters and Imagery:

This writer has a way of creating images of characters through thoughts, words, and actions. This short piece doesn’t disappoint. The characters are very engaging and developed well.

Sizzle!

This is not my segment of the genre, but our engagement with the characters and how naturally the theme developed I have to say yes, it sizzled. The tension in the buildup helped

Really good lines:

You have to read it and know the characters to see how these two lines work so well

I could take back the words I asked

She had hit me up to ask him, this was all her fault


What I had some issue with:

Not a thing

General Thoughts:

I was so into these characters that I could not help but enjoy this story.
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Review of Neigh  
Review by penn
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Comments I offer on other's work are simply the impression of a reader. I'm not an editor or a critic and I've written enough bad stuff to know what a reviewer's comments can feel like. Please, take this as an impression from someone who is simply here to enjoy writing and reading your stories.

An entry in
FORUM
The Weekly Quickie Contest  (18+)
Can you excite in 690 words? Month: May Theme: Flowers
#1355442 by Dawn Embers


Title: Neigh

I figured it was either a teaser or a play on words – either worked well with the prompt

Prompt: Sometimes a strong character snares one that is unsuspecting, even if cautiously wanting. I’d like the unsuspecting character to be male. The strong character is your choice and may be more than one. Here's the catch - I would also like the strong character(s) to represent a life style the other may find a bit intimidating.

Considering all the elements, it felt a little illusive but the touch of mystery made it work.

What I liked:

It felt mysterious to me and that gave me drama. I also liked the description of some of the actions. Thumbs up - Cool

Characters and Imagery:

I confess I asked myself a couple times if I was looking at a person or a horse (mystery?) but once my mind settled on it, I thinking I was smiling as I watched.

Sizzle!
The sizzle felt like suspense to me. It’s subtle but I liked it. Part felt a little coy, but then she did don an expression of a “not very girly fashion.”

Really good lines:

Sometimes there are good lines or ways of saying things that set a piece apart. I liked these

Bristal cooed as I pranced, shaking my mane and preening for her affections.
she gently blew her scent in his nostrils and held his gaze

The warning to be careful died in my throat

She slowly looked over at me in a very non-girly fashion. “Like I said, I’m looking to give…lessons.”


What I had some issue with:

I appreciate the brevity and enjoyed it a lot, but this leads the reader quite hungry. I’m left wondering why the writer didn’t spend some more of the word limit. The writer could have done so still without crossing boundaries should that be why the piece is scant. Nevertheless I have to say…. How cool this is…

If you would like to see some additional comments I've added them here

General Thoughts:

I read this piece numerous times just trying to convince myself I got it. I hate to think I only read with one side of my brain. That said, my personal dilemma aside – I thoroughly enjoyed it every time I read it. I saw the images and I heard the voices. Mood and tenor come across really well.
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Review of Innocence Lost  
Review by penn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
How can a story be so heartwarming and gut wrenching at the same time. Enough to make an old guy cry.
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Review by penn
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Comments I offer on other's work are simply the impression of a reader. I'm not an editor or a critic and I've written enough bad stuff to know what a reviewer's comments can feel like. Please, take this as an impression from someone who is simply here to enjoy writing and reading your stories.

Title: An Evening of Music Well chosen to introduce the theme

Premise / Plot / Theme: He pays for a lady in the evening for a little different reason

Prompt This prompt was an image of a piano player but offered some choices. This writer too it purely and did a wonderful job of incorporating the image

What I liked: This piece engaged me. It was simply done, yet I found myself present in the room. I also liked the different twist and I didn’t anticipate the direction it went. I also liked that it turned out with a little twist I hadn’t expected, and kept the ending from going flat.

Grabber: And if you could also remove your gown it would be perfect Again, something I hadn’t anticipated, though I was expecting the story would go there – it’s erotica after all

Characters and Imagery: I could visualize her well as the writer incorporated the image. I didn’t have much of a visual of him, yet I found myself feeling his emotion.

Sizzle: Subtle and pleasing. I wouldn’t call it flat out sizzle, but it well suited my tastes

Technical Stuff: I only saw two things, both in the 6th paragraph. I believe “Self consciously” should be hyphenated and “sat on the stool and starting” should be “started”

What I had some issue with: no issues

General Impressions: I liked the story and its subtlety. The erotic component was modest, but present. This is a good example of an erotic piece that doesn’t have to be overly graphic.

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Review of Horseback Riding  
Review by penn
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Comments I offer on other's work are simply the impression of a reader. I'm not an editor or a critic and I've written enough bad stuff to know what a reviewer's comments can feel like. Please, take this as an impression from someone who is simply here to enjoy writing and reading your stories.

In affiliation with
GROUP
Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group  (18+)
A group dedicated to publishing an unofficial WDC erotica newsletter.
#1085692 by Jeff


Title: We knew we were getting a cowboy from the prompt - so a romp in the hay is in order. Title fits the theme.

Premise / Plot / Theme: A seemingly out of place stranger in a coffee shop and the discovery of country in the city. *ThumbsUp*

Prompt there was a prompt for this contest that was a pic of a cowboy even us guys have confess was just too dang hot. *Wink*

What I liked: Well mostly, it was the discovery that there really are ranches in New York. *Smile* Actually, I liked the transition of setting. Moving logically from one setting to another in a contest with limitations like this one can often end up spending too many of your precious words. This writer was able to make it believable with only two or three sentences. It was a good way to slide into the prompt. *ThumbsUp*

Grabber: It's not really dramatic His hair was loose and he was shirtless but since the female character took note of the shirtless, we knew we were on our way to something. *Wink*

Characters and Imagery: I might have liked to know a bit more about the female - we know she's a city girl but I never got a sense if this horseback on the ranch thing was out of the envelope for her. We know he's the hottest thing ever *Smile* but we didn't get to form a picture. I was also a bit confused and found myself wondering about his hair being loose but he was wearing a hat. I know he could have long hair but I got hung up on trying to decide.

Sizzle: I liked the brief encounter on the horse - nicely done, even though I could not imagine him getting her to that position. *Wink* The scene in the barn felt right and had a natural flow, with the exception that we never read of her losing anything but her shirt. When one gets to that point, it's a bit of a jolt to have to back and see if you missed something.

Spelling, Punctuation, Grammar and format: I promise I'm not making fun, but this one stands out for me. I had a vision of him smacking her into the horse's rump and then riding away. I think maybe it should be "On the back of the horse" instead of "at the back of the horse". *Smile* "grabbed her with one hand, threw her at the back of the horse and rode away."

What I had some issue with: I understand the intent of the writer, but I most often have difficulty with biggest, best, hottest and all that. I tend to want to either see that for myself or find my characters not quite so perfect. As in the following two examples.
most fabulous looking man she'd ever beheld"... and superhuman strength I also felt I was told a great deal the would have felt better to visualize. Here is one example "and she gasped as it flew across the field" If her shirt blew across the field, it would have been a great opportunity for us to watch it happen. Something like watching the wind carry it fluttering across a meadow of wild flowers or something.

General Impressions: The writer indicates that this is a first ever post. Whether or not that means writing is a new endeavor, I found it to be a good effort. I enjoyed the short piece and how it worked in the contest prompt. I would encourage this writer to keep posting and polishing.


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Review of Devotion  
Review by penn
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Comments I offer on other's work are simply the impression of a reader. I'm not an editor or a critic and I've written enough bad stuff to know what a reviewer's comments can feel like. Please, take this as an impression from someone who is simply here to enjoy writing and reading your stories.

In affiliation with
GROUP
Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group  (18+)
A group dedicated to publishing an unofficial WDC erotica newsletter.
#1085692 by Jeff


Title: "Devotion" conveyed some of the thoughts and actions as this story played out, but there was one component that nagged at me. I'll deal with that in a later segment of review.

Premise / Plot / Theme: Desire and a promise fulfilled on a special night.

Prompt the prompt called for the writer to do something different. I could see the differences in this piece from some of the work I've read of this writer.

What I liked: It is just so totally dang believable. I'd almost say this is somebody's real experience. The writer did an artful job of mixing "naughtiness of youth" with the flavor or romance.

"Oh, Shane, it's perfect." A "perfectly" chosen, and "perfectly" place line. Tell me that right there in that spot you didn't hear her say that.


Grabber: "You really do want to get laid tonight." Well, what can I say - did that not set the stage?

Characters and Imagery: We learn a little more about them as we read on - salted through the story with a little bit of direct "telling". It's done well and the characters really felt alive and genuine.

Sizzle: Are you kidding? He shivered at the rasp of the zipper coupled with Did the tiny scrap of nude lace even qualify as panties? How could that not go on to sizzle?

Spelling, Punctuation, Grammar and format: Nothing I saw

What I had some issue with: Ok, these are high school kids and he's been in love with her since the 8th grade. Yet, the writer tells us this is not the first experience for either of them, apparently suggesting "not with each other," or at least that's the impression the statement gave me. Lots of reasons it can be that way. Maybe I'm nitpicking but it nagged at me. It was one of those - "hey, I just don't want to deal with it now" moments. I think I might have left out the "thankful it wasn't the first" line or changed the title - or made the situation a touch more clear. I know for certain the writer knew what she meant, and that isn't enough to make me rate this less than perfect. *Smile*

General Impressions: a nice piece of young love, a little playful, and a little planning to make the moment just right.


Review Signature for the Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group.




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Review of Icy Balm  
Review by penn
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Mara! Always nice to see you. As an extra reviewer (not a judge) for round 52, thanks for the opportunity to read your story. Comments I offer on other's work are simply the impression of a reader. I'm not an editor or a critic and I've written enough bad stuff to know what a reviewer's comments can feel like. Please, take this as an impression from someone who is simply here to enjoy writing and reading your stories.

In affiliation with
GROUP
Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group  (18+)
A group dedicated to publishing an unofficial WDC erotica newsletter.
#1085692 by Jeff


Title: At first I thought, “intriguing” but then I wasn’t sure where it was going… into the story, of course, I got one those “Ah, I get it.” *Wink*

Premise / Plot / Theme: A bit of BDSM and contrasting sensations

Prompt the prompt was an ice cube and it was effectively incorporated into this story line.

What I liked: The drama. At first I was actually put off that I was going to read another BDSM… I mean, I read it but I can get overload. But what kept me engaged was the dramatic component – as one might expect from this writer.

Grabber: “The frozen crescent slid tantalizingly slow across the reddened globes of her ass” Yep, very first sentence. Mara doesn’t keep us waiting.

Characters and Imagery: this writer has a way of engaging the reader with her characters. She doesn’t disappoint in this piece.

Sizzle: The tension in the build-up can’t help but lend well into the sizzle and this piece it’s dramatic. I got some ice water before starting my comments. *Smile*

Spelling, Punctuation, Grammar and format: Nothing that I saw

What I had some issue with: Not a thing

General Impressions: Nicely done – but then I’m a sucker for anyone with a flair for the dramatic.

Review Signature for the Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group.
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Review of Night in the Rain  
Review by penn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Since I see nothng technically wrong, I have to comment on the story alone. Having been through two of these in the Carolinas, a Typhoon at see, and a Typhoon in Japan, I have to say this short piece brought back some specific memories I too have written about, but I won't sully this well done piece I hope you got a good grade.
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Review by penn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great suspense! Knowing this is a "segment," I found myself confused a couple of times but I understand why. Granted that some of the connections with other segments are scattered, I found this to be the best one yet. The surprising twist piqued my own sense of the intrigue. Taken by itself, this segment seems to be where the writer found her voice. It reads like she put herself in the scene.

I have a couple of comments that are nothing more than personal thoughts. Comments aside, I really liked this piece.

The powerful animal dropped down I know what you mean here - I used to have a BMW that did the same thing when I slammed the peddle down - but "dropped down" doesn't seem to really tell us that the horse is going into afterburner.

dropped farther down Oh look, "dropped down" again in the very next sentence. I just think it can be said better.

enemies hm, how about something like pursuers or something along that line. I have to qualify this - I see you used "pursuers" later.

The impact alone This implies that there is some other force as well as the impact that could knock him off his steed. I'd drop the word "alone".

Somehow he stayed on. I'd work on this sentence. It sounds to simple for the drama that's taking place

For several minutes he lay flat on his back praying for air, his racing heart sending a steady stream of his life’s blood into his clothing and onto the ground, tainting all it invaded. I loved this segment where his horse goes down - but, having the wind knocked out of you is excruciating painful and trying to get air through the pain can littleraly cause panic. This sentence should make us feel the pain.
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Review of Heaven  
Review by penn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What great piece. The writer used uncomplicated style to present a course of life for two young people. Setting the stage with a tender and realistic loss of innocence that cast people, seemingly with educational and economic disadvantage into the world. We get to spend some time in the lives of "everyday folk" in their effort at forming that life. It has some tragedy and some grit that takes us to a heartwarming ending. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Ya'll ought to read it.
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Review by penn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I don't review in this genere as much as I'd like to because I have a hard time finding something that isn't growing or shrinking or transforming or some such thing. I like a story that feels believable and offers some emotional connection or passion. I suspected when I saw this title this would be a story worth reading and I wasn't let down. I loved this. l loved how you how you created the musical connection and how you created a "reason" for them to be in this encounter.

I was set to tell you that the paragraph starting where "his moist lips left hers" was the one that lit the fires, but then those magical paragraphs just kept coming. Very nicely done.
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Review of Laughing  
Review by penn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Have I said I'm not much good at poetry? Still, this is a fun poem that can't help but cause someone to conjure up a memory of their own. It's nice to read something that incites these feelings. And the confession of cheating - perfect. A nice, light, "take me to a more carefree day" poem.
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Review of Red  
Review by penn
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
comment rom a jarhead....this is stirring.

I struggled with the formatting....it kept throwing me off but I would not capitalize "the red."
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Review by penn
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I"d love to see something that supports the claim that people overseas are starting to voice this opinion
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Review by penn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
well said, Lenny, and it makes no difference which stripes you wear to agree with your outrage at the attitudes. Of course, there are just as radical attitudes on both sides of current issues, but there is no excuse for what you depict here. This mindset isn't going to solve anything.
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Review of Step  
Review by penn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I am not good at poetry. I read anyway because after those two thoughtful reviews, I simply wanted to offer something in return. I didn't see this coming, although I certainly should have. Each stanza suggested something was coming. So much tragedy in so many poems. Maybe poetry and I don't get along because there is so much emotion.

*sucks it up* So, this is so vivid for something so morose. I saw her immediately with the simple Fair Verona with greasy hair...an image jumped right out at me. I saw her hair and her hands and I saw the street below but by then I had stopped seeing her. Is that a defense mechanism?

I had some trouble with dragging threads across the thread-bare carpet. I understand the irony, but, I stumbled there when I read it. The last line says it all.
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Review of Good Girl  
Review by penn
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I want to say first, that this has promise because there are some "fixit" comments and I don't want you to think it's critical. We all write stuff that we need to go back and do some touch up, but this is a good start. Here's a few things I see

I can only imagine the fell of your arms

I catch myself making the "fell" "feel" typo a lot too.

Kneeling on the bed next to you, patiently waiting your instruction. No other thought or wish on my mind but how I might please you

These two are incomplete.

Smiling at me you softly caress my check " Who's good girl are you?"

I think this needs a comma after "me" and there's a typo "check" for "cheek". then, I think check needs a period.

You continue to kiss, lick and nibble your way down body.

seems to be missing "my"

Your lay down in front of me "your" for "you"

There's some more of this and some more typos like your for you're, but I don't want to seem critical. Just trying to help. Mostly, some more proof reading will do it. I think there are quite a few incomplete sentences too, that seem to be intended to read like thoughts, but that might need to be clarified. Thoughts can be in italics and it doesn't hurt to use, I thought, I was feeling, etc to set it aside as a thought.

I felt some conflict. You write like it's a tender experience but the actions don't come out that way. Also, this sounds like "aggressive" intercourse once he enters, yet she feels him "seep". Seep seems to work better with slow comfortable sex...this one reads like she should really feel it.








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Review of Night Dreams  
Review by penn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Obviously conveys a feeling and sense of connection. I ended up feeling like there should have been another stanza before the last, though. And then the last two lines...one implies one thing and the last implies something else...now, that may be just an interpretation thing...so it's not critical.

It's nicely written and I think, is a portrait of how things should be - in such situations.
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Review of boundless  
Review by penn
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm not much good at reviewing prose...but I truly love your style.
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Review by penn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ok, you didn't sound like such an angry lady this time, and you dosed us with reality. Nice job - true or not.
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Review by penn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Kind of makes one feel a sense of futility. I could see this theme having a lot of directions to use.
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Review of The Abiding Room  
Review by penn
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is absolutely wonderful! I had trouble with the paragraph about the communicator and all the diodes and such...first I thought it was too technical for the rest of the story, then I thought...no, it was a fitting jolt...in the end, it just didn't feel right for me.
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