Love the quote at the very start of your poem; it really sets the tone appropriately. I also find, like you said very well here, it sometimes works to write the beginning based on the end. It can be a lot easier to piece it together from there.
It has been the longest time since I have bowled, and unless you are a professional bowler or close to being one, there really is no better way to go bowling than what you describe in this poem. Thanks a bunch for sharing.
Nice one with Burt and Sally! I suppose double-dating is the next logical move here. You would not only get your wife back, but also have a perfectly matched couple to spend time with, ha just kidding. Hilarious as always, and thanks again for posting.
As a professional worker, I have come across a few lost opportunities, but ultimately when you find the right opportunity and can take hold of it, all of the others seem to be stepping stones toward what you have now. At least, that is how I view it. Good poem, and thanks for posting.
Heh, good one. Traditional and even newer forms of writing can get beaten to death too easily if someone has little to nothing original or innovative to add. I am glad you mix things up with your writing and have formed your own style.
Thank you very much for sharing this with all of us. This is my wife's favorite holiday, and this poem certainly captures the essence of Christmas. I did not know one can have "wondrous chit-chat," but it sounds great nonetheless.
You did well setting the mood in this part of your story. Please see below for suggested corrections:
1. Where it says, "It's not a real hunting lodge of course, it's been converted for use as a lovers getaway and the luxurious, almost decadent decor would be impressive even in the most upmarket hotel." Either a semicolon or period should be used in place of the first comma to avoid a run-on sentence.
2. Where it says, "I make a lot of mistakes dealing with you and I know I've under-estimated you too many times, but I know this." A hyphen is not needed for the word "underestimated."
3. Where it says, "I move to the couch, sitting back into it's deep softness and sipping my water." The word here should be "its" rather than "it's" because "it's" is the short form of "it is," and you are saying "it is deep softness" here.
This beginning to your story has everything you need to make it a great read, and I am glad you posted it. Please see below for a few minor corrections:
1. Where it says, "Sweetheart," I answered "is everything okay?". and "Ru… I'm sorry, we can't… ". I do not think you need periods to end each of these sentences.
2. Where it says, "I swing my lags over the edge of the bed and sit up." I am sure you meant to say "legs" here.
I definitely like the hero approach to this poem as it is very true that courage is needed to find and hold on to that true love. I am curious as to the exact meaning of "And superior toughness... Shall make the phone ring."
I find it an interesting tie-in from the game show participant/viewer stanzas to the heart of this poem in dedication to soldiers, police, and firemen. Strangely, I suppose it works to the extent of how these men and women help protect the American dream which so easily is presented as a game show to a lot of us.
Score one for the good guys here. This was a solid read. Thank you very much for posting. Please see below for suggested corrections to make:
1. Where it says, "The rumble of their convoy echoed in the distance, an endless line of tanks and support vehicles were still travelling up the pass." You may want to remove "were" here to avoid a run-on sentence, and also because it flows better here.
2. Where it says, "Brunhilda tucked uncomfortably into my left shoulder, I lined it the shot up three times, and each time I knew I'd miss." You might want to remove "it" here since you do not need this word in the sentence.
This is the cutest story I have read. It reads just like a part of a kid's show, a little classic in the making. Please see below for suggested improvement:
1. Where it says, "So he ran after the crossing guard who he thought was playing also." This should read "whom he thought."
2. Where it says, "Lookout, Lookout" It would be best to have an exclamation point at the end here.
This is a quirky fantasy for sure. The only thing I can suggest to correct is where it says, "Still well-liked and quite sought-after," because you do not need the hyphen between "sought" and "after" unless this is just some poetic license.
I like the ending in particular of this poem. I think you really captured well the vigor of life pursued at its start, followed by gradual disenchantment because of continued disappointment. Unfortunately, a lot of people fall into this easily. Thank you for looking at this sort of thing from the other side so to speak.
Thank you very much for posting. Please see below for suggested corrections:
1. Where it says, "None the less, he had a knack for currying the favor of the girls with his charm." Nonetheless is one word.
2. Where it says, "Tracy was no exception, except that she seemed to have hold of Billy's reigns, which bothered him. To billy, she became like a drug habit." The word is spelled "reins," and you meant to capitalize "Billy."
3. Where it says, "I really hate to tell you that!. So talk normal" I am guessing you meant to have the exclamation point ending the last sentence here.
4. Where it says, "Tracy jumped in; fired the engine, then raced it enough to drown his laughter out." Please use a comma instead of the semicolon here.
5. Where it says, "Her legs looked incredible he thought; as she swung off the main road down onto a smaller,hidden,dirt road." Please see #4.
6. Where it says, "Your real funny girl." This should be "You're" here rather than "Your."
7. Where it says, "Your not chicken are you little boy?" Please see #6.
8. Where it says, "Though you could control me like all the other girls huh?" I am sure you intended to say "Thought" here.
9. Where it says, "Come on, lets go Tracy." You forgot the apostrophe in "let's."
10. Where it says, "Welcome to the Boneyaaard, Billy" You omitted the period at the end.
11. Where it says, "A search part was formed, but never saw either of them again." I believe you wanted to say "party" rather than "part."
A really tough but worthwhile read. Thank you very much for posting this. I have only a couple of things to suggest for correction:
1. Under Part XV where it says, "The abuse is starting to take it's toll, her heart beat isn't right." The word should be "its" instead of "it's" here.
2. Under Part XVI where it says, "She wants to fill that void with all the love from who she's met." This should read "...from whom she's met."
This is a cute little Valentine Day's type poem. Thank you for sharing. "Your fork's triple tine" is a new one on me, but was incorporated nicely here. Of course, the only thing I can suggest here is that maybe this could have been a little longer, but that is purely subjective.
I definitely agree that commuting, no matter what distance or roads involved, is something that cannot be taken for granted at any point. The only suggestion I have to correct is where it says, "And cut-off by the belligerent warthogs," because a hyphen is not needed here.
Your girlfriend is one very fortunate lady to have such emotional and articulate poetry written about her. As with any true lasting love, it is a careful and consistent combination of a strong foundation and even stronger pulling closer to each other, knowing how blessed and more precious each moment becomes over time.
This is another classic poem from you. It is always a pleasure reading. It is a little interesting that you said "it's the banal I hold brazen," especially, if I am reading this correctly, there are often moments in a good man's life that do seem uneventful, but at the same time peaceful, too (an often overlooked thing by some).
Thank you very much for sharing this poem as we should not forget this horrible moment in US history. The only thing I can suggest to correct is where it says, "The country united in grief stricken pain," there should be a hyphen for "grief-stricken."
Thanks very much for posting. I suggest the following to correct:
1. Usually throughout a short story one verb tense is kept consistently; you have switched between past and present tense throughout this piece. I suggest you pick one or the other so it does not sound like you are bouncing back and forth.
2. Where it says, “Okay, you know the rules of a debate – nothing below the belt, no eye gauging, and certainly no tea-bagging." It should be put as "eye-gouging."
This is definitely your funniest story yet. The only things I see to correct is where it says: He’s a ninety-five pound bundle of muscle and fearlessness, but when I said,
“Hey Chase, let’s go for a walk.” He just stood there and shook his head back-and-forth. --- There should be a comma after "walk" rather than a period, and then do not capitalize "he." Also, the word "back-and-forth" is actually a noun meaning discussion or give-and-take. It should just be "back and forth."
In a lot of ways, as I read your poems I see you to a large extent as a kindred spirit in terms of your approach to many different aspects of life and what is most important to you. This is very much my mindset to my job as well! Thanks so much once again for posting.
I am very glad for you that you have found this kind of love which unfortunately is not common and not even sought after and/or cherished nearly as much as it should be. I find your poems very inspiring with many layers to them. I really appreciate reading through them!
Good luck and write on!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pinoy_celt/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 5:32pm on Apr 26, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
