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2,186 Public Reviews Given
2,205 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Write or Die Author Icon

I've just read your poem, ""I Lost My $#@?& Car Keys"" Open in new Window., and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window..

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: My first thought is: I don't know Joshua, but I do know he is going to love this poem! I can imagine him giggling all the way through. I know I did! Straight from the first line, the humour is wonderful. It's perfect for a five year old, but also for adults. I found it really funny. What woman hasn't seen her husband, blundering around, looking for his lost car keys (or flashlight, or spectacles, etc.)?

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: The rhyme is really nicely done, making the rhythm also really great. The poem reads almost like a nursery rhyme. It's definitely the kind of verse a child could learn by heart (and taunt their Daddy with, if they wanted).

There is one place the meter seems a little off, and that is the line: "When he kicked our poor cat Puff." It sounds like there are too many syllables, or maybe it is a slightly different meter. I stumbled over it a little when I first read through. It's not a huge thing, but I thought I would mention it.

*StarG* What I really liked: The humour. It really appeals to me, probably because I know the scene all-too well. It's hard to pick out my favourite lines because they are all fantastic. I love, "his nose is out of socket." That's a great way of finding a rhyme for pocket. Similarly, the rhymes of jiggle and giggle are just fab! I think the second verse is my favourite. The visuals you create in this verse are hilarious. Then, these lines: "I can't repeat what he just said. / But it sure is fun to listen." Oh, they made me laugh so much. Again, the image it creates in my mind is so familiar.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: Poor Puff the cat. Luckily, he does have nine lives. I love the warm and happy feeling this poem creates. It's like a snapshot of happy family life. It's a piece of fun, written for a five year old, who I'm sure finds it hilarious. Absolutely brilliant! I love it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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477
477
Review of The Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Faith Raine Author Icon

I've just read your poem, "The Letter" Open in new Window., and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window..

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Oh, my word. This poem has made me cry. It's beautifully written. The message is exactly what anyone who has ever lost someone they love needs to read. In the first couple of lines, you offer hope by saying, "But I'm not far from thee." As I first read through, I found myself welling up more and more, and then I reached the last verse. Oh! I like to write helpful reviews, with lots of suggestions, but this poem has me mesmerised. It's hard to be objective.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: There are six quatrains, and the first five have a rhyme scheme of abab. The last stanza, however, doesn't have any rhyme. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it would work a little better if it followed the same rhyme scheme. That said, it really doesn't detract from the natural rhythm of the poem. It flows nicely through each verse, reading like a letter from a loved one. Which is exactly what you intended.

*StarG* What I really liked: All of it! I love the hope that it offers people who are bereaved. It's a poem that is filled with love and warmth and light. "I loved you then, I love you now / I'll love you ever still." This is the point where I went from having a tear in my eye to crying. These lines are also great: "Remember it's okay to laugh, / To even crack a smile." This is something anyone who is caught up in grief needs to be told. Because it feels so wrong to forget, even for a moment.

*StarP* Suggestions: I wasn't entirely sure about these lines: "Each time we said, "I Love You," even if / whispered into the air." Enjambment is a great tool to use in poetry, but I just felt it was a little off in these lines. It made them read less smoothly than the rest of the poem.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This poem has twisted my heart, making me think about my own losses. It reminds me of the "Death Is Nothing At All" poem. It's comforting and really, really beautiful.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.
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478
478
Review of Driftwood  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Aiden Chelsey Author Icon

I've just read your poem, "Driftwood" Open in new Window., and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I was intrigued by your title when I saw this poem in the Noticing Newbies newsletter. I think it works wonderfully for a metaphor of the thoughts and memories of a person with Alzheimer's. It's really clever, and as I first read through, I became lost in the haunting images you create. It's a really moving poem. The Biblical references throughout are really nicely done. The image of "Judas haunting the garden" is really good.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: There are six quatrains, all with an abcb rhyme scheme, and this rhyme helps the poem to flow really nicely. In addition to this, the a and c lines almost rhyme each time. I think that is probably intentional, and it's a really nice trick to use. There is a wonderful, natural rhythm, and when you read the poem aloud, it sounds great.

*StarG* What I really liked: All of it! From your bold first line: "I've dined at the table of kings," I love every word of this. (Should it be tables, though?) These lines are particularly emotive: "Memories scattered in landscapes / like driftwood on tides of remorse." That is the most beautiful use of imagery. It really is. Also, "Concealed by white picket fences / Where memories unravel like thread." You have a unique way of seeing things; a poet's vision, I like to call it.

*StarBr*Queries: I do have one query. For most of the poem, you seem to be writing as though it's the narrator who has Alzheimer's. But, when you start to write about Mary and conversing with Jesus, I thought maybe it was the narrator speaking about someone they are close to. I got a little bit confused by that part. I'm sure it's just me, but I thought I would mention it.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: It was a pleasure to read this poem of yours. I have to say I'm excited to read more from you and to see where you take your talent. This poem is beautiful and haunting and really, really emotional. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.
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479
479
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Savanna Klavano Author Icon

I've just read your poem, "Reflexion of Seasonal Strolls" Open in new Window., and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window..

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: As I first read through, I found myself smiling. The poem is a lovely picture of nature at its most gentle and relaxed. It made me feel warm and happy.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This is a chain of four haiku, and the rhythm lies in their 5, 7, 5 syllabic count. This works all the way through really nicely, except for the second line of the first haiku: "flowers pushing through soil." This is only six syllables. You could add the word the before soil to make it seven syllables. That said, it doesn't detract from the overall effect of the poem. I'm just being picky, and I would only change that line to make it four exact haiku.

The poem has a great rhythm. It flows really well and tells your readers a story of the changing seasons. I did wonder who this line is about: "Sweat trickles from brow." I assume it is the narrator, as he is watching the animals playing. I was just a little confused because the next line reads, "the smell of the river tempts." It kind of reads as thought the smell of the river is tempting whoever owns the sweaty brow. Maybe I'm just overthinking this.

*StarG* What I really liked: "I watch the cubs swim." There's something really refreshing and joyful about this line. I could picture the baby bears splashing and playing in the water. It's a beautiful image. I love the way you follow nature through the seasons. One of the ways you show us the marching time is by saying, "Fawns now full-grown deer." Again, what a beautiful image that conjures up! I really love your imagery. It's great. The whole poem feels as though it has an orange and yellow glow to it. It emits warmth.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a beautiful poem. I really like it, and I think you have a natural talent for creating great imagery. If you're interested in writing haiku and haiku chains, can I suggest you look up the haiku sonnet? It's a lovely form that consists of four haikus, then a couplet of (usually) 7, 5 at the end. It's a form I particularly love, and I think you could write a great one.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.
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480
480
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Diane Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "Disappeared (chapter)" Open in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: Oh! Poor Lucinda! Before I began reading, I expected this story to be told from the point of view of the girl's mother; not the girl. This is a nice twist to have Lucinda narrate this.

Plot: Eight year old Lucinda is waiting for her older sister (who is always late) to collect her from school. When a van pulls up to her and a woman gets out, claiming to have come on behalf of her mother, the child warily gets into the van. I love the way you show her thinking about stranger danger and all the reasons she shouldn't get into the van. She has a feeling she shouldn't trust the woman. But she said her mother sent her, so she ignores her doubts. The story plays out with Lucinda seeing three other children in the van, all tied up and blindfolded. They are all driven to a hovel somewhere she doesn't recognise. Inside the house, there are lots of other children and women.

I have to admit, I felt the story was unfinished. We see Lucinda arrive at the house, but we don't know exactly what the kidnappers' intentions are. We also don't know whether her mother will find her. In your description, you ask the question of whether she will be found. But it's not really answered because Lucinda's story doesn't really end here.

What I really liked: The plot. It's cleverly written and it kept me hooked right until the end. I love the way you build up the suspense at the beginning, with Marta being late, and Lucinda wet, cold, and fed up. We know something will happen. Then, when it does, the suspense builds through Lucinda's fears. I also love the description of the boy who knocked Lucinda over, when she sees him at the house: "A small boy, feral, a runt, comes close." Just in that little description, we know the boy is abused and misused. It gives us a great picture of him.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed this story. You write beautifully, and you have created great characters. Even though we only saw snippets of the kidnappers, we have wonderful images of them. I would love you to write more of this story. I really want to know if/how Lucinda escapes.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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481
481
Review of Behind My Mind  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi J.N.Z Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "Behind My Mind" Open in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: My first thoughts: I love this story. I love your title, and your brief description intrigued me. As I began reading, you kept me hooked with your descriptions of what Aurora was seeing that wasn't really there. I had to know what was wrong with her. I also had to know that she was going to be okay. So, great job with making me care about the main character.

Plot: Aurora is a girl who doesn't see things the same way as others. In her first day at a new school (I assume it's a new school), she sees a monster and he chases her out of the classroom. The next day, she doesn't want to go to school, and when she does, her class all laugh at her. All, except one girl. She asks Aurora what's wrong, and Aurora tells her she has schizophrenia. I love how Joslyn doesn't judge her. I love the ending. It's really moving.

What I really liked: The end. I also love the way you create such a fragile, vulnerable character in Aurora. I wanted so badly for things to get better for her. And, in the end, they did. She had a friend, which meant she became less vulnerable and stronger. I love this character. This description, from when Aurora sees the monster, is fantastic: "Wisps of darkness linger near it."

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation:

Dropnote ▼

Suggestions: My only suggestion is to watch your tenses. This piece is written in the present tense. But there are a few places where you use the past tense. For example, at the beginning, you say, "The cracks now had oozing liquid spreading out." Another example is where you say, "Once I looked up I recognize the girl from my bus." Just make sure you stick to one tense. That's my only suggestion.

Final thoughts: This is a well written story that has a great emotional pull. Your character is beautifully crafted, and I would love to read more stories about her. She is compelling. You've done a great job here.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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482
482
Review of Haunting Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi sjd_write Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "Haunting Home" Open in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: I wasn't sure what to expect when I began reading this story. But I was intrigued by your brief description. As I first read through, I really enjoyed the story. It's entertaining, and it kept me hooked until the end. I wanted to know what the main character had to do to complete his list.

Plot: This is the story of a teenage lad who is killed in a car accident. You show him, firstly, as stuck; unable to move. He can see his dead body being worked on by the doctors, then he wakes at the funeral home, sees his own funeral, and then, something changes. He starts to fall and can move his body. He lands on the ground, being held by a girl about his age. But his sight is still black and white. In order to get his colour vision back, there are tasks he must complete. You show him saying his goodbyes to his family and, once that is done, he can see again. I like how you end the story with your character flying away to go have fun, haunting people.

I did think you could have shown a little more emotion in this piece. It's potentially a really moving story. But, the character doesn't really feel much. For example, when he awakes in the funeral home, he doesn't know where he is. But you don't show any fear in him, which I would have thought he would feel. It's all very matter-of-fact. You give us a list of what happens, but that reminds us you're telling a story. It doesn't pull the reader inside, so they can see and feel things from the character's point of view.

What I really liked: "That done, I flew away into the night sky, in search of someone to spook. Now the fun could begin." The last line is brilliant! It made me smile. Also, in spite of what I said earlier about emotion, I liked the light tone to this. I liked the positivity.

Suggestions: I have a tip regarding the presentation. Double space in between paragraphs. As it is at the moment, it's all a little bunched up. It would look more appealing to readers if it was separated.

Final thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story. I came away from it feeling warm and happy. It's a nice take on this difficult subject.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Myles Abroad Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "Going Home to Say Goodbye" Open in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: This is a story that tugged at my heartstrings from the very first line. I love how you set up the leaden sky and drizzle as a way of reflecting the main character's emotions. He has just attended his mother's funeral, and now wants some time alone to revisit his mother's home—his childhood home.

Plot: This is an emotive story in which the reader sees Jimmy (a man who is grieving) imagining a conversation between himself and his deceased mother. You do a great job of showing his grief. The scene in the kitchen is really moving. I love how his mother tells him he has to live his life and not worry about her and not get lost in his grief. I think that's what any loving mother would say to their child, isn't it. At the end of the story, I'm not sure whether his mother's spirit was really there, or whether his grief played a trick on him. You don't clarify, which I like. I'm glad we can reach our own conclusions. (I think she was really there.)

What I really liked: The part where Jimmy first walks up to his old home, and you describe the memories that flood his mind. I love that paragraph. It brought a tear to my eye. I could relate to it. Then, when he first enters the house, and calls, "Mammy. It's Jimmy..." That induced a few more tears!

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: There are some run-on sentences, but they didn't detract from the impact of the story. One example of this is, "She sat down, took a sip of her tea and placed the delicate cup back on the saucer, the shake in her grip causing a rattle of the Delph." I would change it to, "She sat down and took a sip of her tea. When she replaced the cup in the saucer, her shaking hand caused the Delph to rattle." Something like that. Watch how many semi colons you use. Make sure they are the right punctuation mark. Check that a period or comma wouldn't work better.

Final thoughts: This is a really well written, moving story. I love the tenderness with which you write. It's a story I could relate to a lot, and I think you have written a fantastic piece.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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484
484
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Author Ed Anderson Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E].

My first thoughts: I love your title. I was intrigued to read this, as I'm a fan of film noir. I love the humour you use in this story, and I could totally see it as a play. I could picture the scene in my head as I read the narrative.

Plot: Firstly, I love the way you casually say, "When I was alive, tequila was like water." That made me sit up and take notice. Great job with that. The plot is a kind of farce situation, where three roommates have a "session" with a Senator. All three roommates have secrets they don't want to become public. But then, the morning after their drinking session, the Senator disappears, then is murdered. They all have motives, but who did it? It's a great plot. It reminded me of "An Inspector Calls." The villain of this piece, however, is identifiable. The Senator's wife. The police are called, and she is caught (after confessing).

I felt the story seemed a little hurried. It would have been good to see a little more of the fear and panic the roommates feel. Also, it would have been good to see some of the party, to get more of a feel for the characters.

Characters: The narrator is the dead grandmother of one of the roommates. I understand why you did this, and why you told it as her narration, but it would have been great to see it from one of the characters' points of view. You would have been able to give the reader more details by doing that. As it is, we didn't really get to know any of the characters very well.

What I liked: I love the farcical feeling it has. That's one of the reasons I think it would work so well as a play. It's quite a physical read, rather than an emotional one. I really like the plot. I think there is a lot more you could do with that.

Suggestions: I would work on the first line. That line is really important to hook the reader. "Four faces scrunched up as another tequila shot went down their throats." Firstly, I've learned recently that making body parts move of their own volition isn't the best way to describe things. So, rather than saying, "Four faces scrunched up," maybe you could say something like, "The four twenty-somethings scrunched up their faces." Also, saying the tequila, "went down their throats" is a bit of a bland description. Maybe, the tequila shots, "burned their throats."

This is a great example of film noir. It's an enjoyable read, and I would love to read (or watch) the play, if you ever turn it into one.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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485
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi C Scott Gray Author Icon

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* As soon as I saw your title and brief description, I had to read this piece. And I'm really glad I did! It's absolutely hilarious, and it had me laughing on just about every line. It really appeals to my sense of humour. This is the story of a man who has died . . . Or has he? Yes. He has. But he just doesn't know it. A couple of weeks after his funeral, he arrives at his son's house as he has nowhere else to stay. I love this description: "So he came here. Sill had a bit of mud smeared on his suit, and stuck in his hair, of course (it was raining. I imagine if it had been a dry, sunny day, this wouldn't have been the case)." It paints a wonderful picture of this corpse, hair and clothes muddied, standing in the doorway, as though it's perfectly natural. Love it!

*StarV* It's hard to choose which parts to highlight as my favourites, as I could literally quote any of it. This line, though, made me laugh a lot: "So the maid service would dust him, along with the rest of the house twice a week, and we would Febreez him every day, and things went along fine." I can picture it so clearly. I love how no one questions how the old man is still walking around. The mother is annoyed, but not frightened or curious. She leaves home because she feels he brings them down.

*StarV* I love the character of Grandad. He tries to mow the garden and loses parts of his body. He then plays a trick on the maid service. "once he hid himself in the broom closet, and stood on his head, very still, until one of the maids grabbed him, mistaking him for a mop, and dunked his head into a bucket of Pine-Sol and water." That's brilliant! He has a great sense of humour and, if he knows he is dead, he doesn't let it hinder him at all.

*StarV* The ending is great! After many friends and potential girlfriends of the main character being scared off, or disgusted by Grandad, Stevie finally meets a girl and finds she doesn't even bat an eyelid when she meets Grandad. At the end, she offers to introduce him to her great-grandmother—a banshee! Genius.

*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


Just a couple of typos:
"Sill had a bit of mud smeared on his suit." I think you mean still.
"bitter apple spray. kept neighbourhood . . . " Do you mean, "It kept," or did you mean to use a comma in stead of a period?


*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is such an enjoyable story, and I'm really glad I came across it. You have a great writing style, and the voice of Stevie is a really endearing one. I loved it. Great job!


Choconut

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Review of Abduction  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Kris Cooper Author Icon

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*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* I love the idea for this story. Your title and brief description work as a great way of luring the reader into the story. We've all heard about and seen documentaries concerning alien abduction. It's something that fascinates the Western World. So, I was really interested to learn how this abduction would be closer to home than I thought. I love your beginning. "I'm still not quite sure how I got here." A great hook, that drew me in. You continue to describe being ripped from your home, and the whole description of the "freakishly giant hands" and the room splitting in two is really good. You ensured I was completely hooked and had to read to the end.

*StarV* I love this description: " My skin prickled as I reacted from the sudden, dramatic change in temperature. The lights were as if the sun blazed four feet from my eyes." That's such a wonderful description. As the reader, it's easy to put myself in the position of the narrator. These descriptions induce physical sensations, in particular, the blinding light that hurts your eyeballs. It sounds horrific.

*StarV* I really like the way you show the aliens as, actually, caring about the humans. They are soft and gentle and have a way of communicating with the narrator telepathically. Instinctively, he understands them and, instinctively, he knows they won't hurt him. Although, he doesn't understand their purpose for him.

*Starv* At the end, I was a little confused. You say, "'Hello there, little one,' she softly spoke to me, gently holding me in her arms. 'Momma’s here.'" I thought maybe the human was being adopted by the aliens. Or maybe they were to be a toy doll for the aliens? I'm not entirely sure. I assume that's the part that you meant was "closer to home than you might think." But I didn't entirely get it. Sorry.

*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


In general, try not to use as many adjectives and adverbs. It really is better to try to find a better description, or a stronger verb. For example, you say the aliens had, "short, short legs." It would be a better description to say something like, "They waddled on stump-like legs." (I appreciate you wrote this a few years ago, so you may well be doing this already.)


*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is an enjoyable story, in which I lost myself. I loved the descriptions of the actual abduction, and of the aliens. It would be nice to have a little clarification at the end, though. All in all, a great story.


Choconut

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Review of Waiting For Sleep  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi

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What I liked


*StarV* I was intrigued by your title and brief description. I imagined I would find a story about a man waking up from a coma, with his whole life changed. But that's not what's happening here. The reader doesn't really learn until the very end of the story what is happening. That's due to the way you have written the main character, Christian, as an unreliable narrator. Personally, I'm a big fan of characters who mislead us because they don't really understand what is happening to them. So, I really liked Christian.

*StarV* There are some really nice descriptions in here. For example, "He could see the city lights twinkling against the lavender and orange sky." I really like that description. It painted a beautiful picture in my mind. Similarly, "When his eyes opened again he was staring up into an afternoon sky the sun had eaten away the moisture from the leaves above as well as below." That's a lovely way of showing the reader the feeling of warmth that Christian has.

*StarV* I love the dog, Sam. When he first appeared, I was worried something bad was about to happen to him. But, I think, maybe it already had. I wasn't completely sure whether he had died in the attack, with Christian and his wife, or whether the old dog was already dead and came to help Christian understand what had happened.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


My main suggestion is to watch your run-on sentences. You have used quite a lot of these, and it makes the narrative difficult to follow, at times. Here is an example of what I mean: "Funny that the dog seemed to be leading him home, like he didn’t know his way and in some ways he had indeed forgotten, perhaps the memory of home was simpered away with unconsciousness that was his only guess." This sentence can be broken down a lot. "He couldn't understand why the dog seemed to be leading him home, as though he had forgotten the way. When he thought about it, maybe he had. His memories seemed to be lost in his unconscious." There are quite a few run-ons in this story. If you tighten up your punctuation, in particular your use of commas, it will really help.

My other suggestion is regarding the presentation. The writing is all bunched up, and it looks quite intimidating before you read it. If you double-spaced between paragraphs, it would look much more accessible.

*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is an interesting story. I enjoyed reading it, and I think that with a little polishing, it could be a great story.

Choconut

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* The first thing to say is I love your title and brief description. They intrigued me, and I had to take a look and see just what the actor was experiencing. I wanted to know how his character had affected him. The next thing to say is I really like the idea behind this story. It's clever and unique. You hooked me right at the beginning, with, "Looking into the mirror he realizes, the face he sees is that of his character and not his own." I had to read on to find out whether he had, literally, become his character, or whether he had just been playing him for too long, and the heinous acts of the character had taken their toll on his mental health. A great start.

*StarV* The confusion you show in your protagonist is wonderful. It seems as though he is experiencing some kind of psychotic break. He sees his character (who, I assume, is The Joker from Batman) as his reflection in the mirror. You show his as losing time, not remembering things he has done, then having flashbacks of the things he has done. All the while, he feels detached and it all feels surreal to him. By creating this unreliable character, you leave the reader desperate to know what is the truth and wondering whether the man really has been taken over by his character. In the end, I'm not sure I really knew the answer to those questions. You end the story with the line, "The actor lies smiling up through unseeing eyes." I wasn't sure whether his eyes were unseeing because he was dead (from taking too many pills) or because he was completely lost in a psychotic break. I would like to know why he was smiling.

*StarV* I love how the words, "What a Joke" are written in blood (or acting make up) on the mirror in the actor's dressing room. That's funny and clever.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


I was a little confused by the different feints. As I first read through, I like how you used a different feint for the line, "A disembodied voice echoes through the room, 'Ten minutes until we start rolling.'" I thought it was a good way of showing words spoken outside of the actor. Then, you used another feint when the news reported the latest crime. Also a good idea. But, you continued to use that feint for the whole rest of the story. I didn't get why you didn't change back again.

In general, be careful of your comma placement. There are a few random placements. For example, "After another thirty minutes time they bring in a second, key and open the door." There shouldn't be a comma after second. However, after minutes (the end of the introductory phrase), there should be one.

*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is good story, with an interesting concept. I enjoyed reading it and, with a little polishing, it could be excellent.

Choconut

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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* Wow. This is fantastic. All the way through, I was thinking I was reading about one thing, then at the end, you blindside the reader with the real story. It's so cleverly done. Really smooth. When you say, "Hollow nothingness steals my breath, as I see him kneeling before the tombstone," it takes the reader's breath away. I was picturing a divorced family, where the mother was taking the children to visit with their father. I was not expecting it to be a trip to the cemetery. Seriously, so well written.

*StarV* Once we learn that the father is dead, you show us the daughter, going through her final interaction with him. We learn that he died in a motor accident when he is on his way to get doughnuts for his daughter's breakfast. He offers to make her eggs, but she insists she wants doughnuts. So, he takes the car and never comes home again. I had a lump in my throat as I read this. It's in stark contrast to the beginning of the story. I love how the knowledge of what happened hits us in the same way as the accident and news of his death hit his family. That's nicely done.

*StarV* Your characterisation of Michael is wonderful. You show how young and immature he is, by the way he's wriggling around in the car seat, taking off the clothes he doesn't want to wear. Their mother asks him if he's going to tell his father about his Book Report, and Michael says he's brought him a drawing—another great way of misleading the reader, making the impact of the truth even harder. There is so much innocence in this character. This line, in particular, highlights his immaturity and lack of understanding: "We climb out of the car and make our way across the lawn. His Spiderman shoes light up with each step as he bounds forth."

*StarV* I like how you show the daughter remembering the events of that fateful morning. In the first paragraph of her memories, I thought she was making up a story in her head. It's almost like a fairytale in that first paragraph.


*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is a really moving, well written story of loss and grief. You show the daughter, who is wracked with guilt; the mother, who is trying to be strong for her children; and the son, who is too young to really understand. It's a really great story. I love it.


Choconut

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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* This is a great, descriptive piece of writing. I found myself completely immersed in your character's world. That character was so sympathetic, as well. They had been looking forward to their dream vacation, when they could just relax on sunny beaches, eating seafood. However, the brochure had slightly oversold their holiday! I have to mention how clever this story is. There is only the one character through the whole story, but you keep us hooked throughout.

*StarV* I love the description you give of the seafood your character imagines eating. In particular, the, "steaming clams delivered fresh from their cauldrons of seaweed and boiling saltwater," and the, "sweet rich scallops and delicate pink shrimps." These are fantastic descriptions. I'm actually not a fan of seafood, but these made my mouth water!

*StarV* I love how this story builds up to the big reveal about the truth of the holiday home. By showing us how much your character is looking forward to the holiday, then showing the months slowly rolling around to it, it builds conflict in the story. The reader knows something is going to happen, something will be wrong, but we don't know what. And when we do realise how terrible the "bungalow" is, it's at the same time as your character. I love how you have written that. I could relate to it, as well. I think we've all probably been on at least one holiday where it didn't quite live up to our expectations.

*Starv* This is another great description: "The crisp salty air and earthy fragrance of the dunes was completely blanketed by odors of stale grease, burning pizza, and the obnoxious exhaust fumes from the encroaching congested parking lots." These are the smells that your character finds outside of their "dream vacation home." The whole description of the inside of the room is also really good. I love how you make use of the five senses in your writing. It's the best way of pulling your readers inside the story.

*Starv* I love the ending! It made me laugh when I read that next year's holiday would be a "virtual paradise." Brilliant!


*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


What more can I say? I love this story. It's beautifully written, and some of the best descriptive writing I've read. I was in the story with your character, and I so wanted it to get better for them. It's a great story!


Choconut

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* My first thoughts as I read through this story were how much I enjoyed it. I think, we've all seen films or TV shows where banks were robbed ("Dog Day Afternoon" comes to mind), so it's easy to imagine how this story would look. Not only that, your descriptions of the quiet, small town bank help the reader to picture the scene really well.

*StarV* I have to mention this description, which I thought was fantastic: "It was a community comprised mostly of retirees who had migrated to Florida in search of warmth to melt the ache of their aging bones and sunshine to brighten the loneliness of their waning years." It's such a lovely description, particularly "to melt the ache of their ageing bones." There's something about that line that really speaks to me. It makes me feel warm and relaxed.

*StarV* I love the part where Serena is trying to remember all the 'capture details.' The way you show her continually coming back to his stockinged head is a really great way of showing how frightened she is. Even though she seems calm, on the outside.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


I don't know whether this was written with a word limit, but I felt the second part of it, where we see the reaction to the robber's sentence, seemed a little hurried. The build up to the robbery, and the actual robbery itself, are told slowly, gradually reaching their climax. Then, suddenly, we know the sentence and it's all over. I would love to have learned more about his apprehension. That could have been really exciting.

*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


I really enjoyed reading this. I think you have a great story, and I was completely lost in it during the first part. As I mentioned, I think it would be great, if you ever thought about writing more. There could be a gripping police chase, or a detective, following the trail of the stolen money. I think that would be great. However, I still loved it just as it is. It's a fantastic story.

Choconut

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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Raven Author Icon

I've just read your poem, "Broken Girl" Open in new Window., and I would like to offer this review, as part of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of helping you grow as a writer.

*StarV* First impressions: This poem is beautifully written and really emotional. As I first read through, it left me feeling sad. I wanted to say to the narrator that things will improve. She just needs to hang on. I could relate so much to the whole poem. The feelings of despair and hopelessness that go along with depression, and also the overwhelming feeling that you are on your own. I've been there (many times) and it really is a case of, "Fall down twice, / Get back up thrice."

I wonder whether the narrator has been bullied. The line, "No one to call; no relief in my phone," made me think maybe there was an aspect of cyber bullying that had taken place. Also, "Years of receiving constant pain and hate," makes me think of bullying, as well. Maybe at home, as well as school. I don't know, maybe I'm overanalysing this.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: There is a rhyme scheme of aabbcc, etc. and this gives the poem a wonderfully natural rhythm. The poem flows really nicely, and the pace is spot on. What I'm trying to say is this poem sounds good, technically.

*StarG* What I really liked: I love how you make the narrator's voice sound really fragile and tiny. I imagine her voice as being quiet, and fading away. I imagine her in a room on her own, growing tired of the effort that trying to stay strong strips from her. This makes me so sad. I want to hold out my hand for her to grab onto. The last two lines are heartbreaking: "More than ever I need someone to lean on, / Or this broken girl will soon be forever gone." I also love this line: "A fear filled girl staring back at me." Actually, I love all of it. I could quote every line. I don't know whether you have written this about yourself, but it certainly sounds like it comes from the heart. Negative emotions, like the ones you describe here, are a great source of inspiration, I find. Use them.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: I think you probably guessed that I love this poem. You have real talent as a poet, and this is an emotive piece of writing. It's absolutely beautiful, and I wouldn't change a thing. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* The first thing I have to say is you've really made me want a sunny holiday. Your descriptions of the hotel, with the shimmering pool outside and the marble floors, is fabulous. I love the purple and pale blue sofas as well. This definitely sounds like my kind of hotel!

*StarV* You did a great job of building the tension and suspense throughout this story. The idea of a ghost in the hotel rooms is a great way to hook your reader. The whole time Sarah spent wondering what the Russian (or Polish) couple were talking about, I was willing Sarah to leave and find somewhere else to stay. I thought something really bad was about to happen to her. Personally, I think I would have been out of there if guests were speaking of ghosts!

*StarV* I like how you resolved this. The way you mentioned the white cat when Sarah was stood in the reception area was clever. You led me to believe the cat would be an evil entity, or something. It didn't occur to me that it had had kittens, and the (slightly scary) receptionist was actually a soft, caring man who was hiding the kittens, for their safety. I totally didn't expect that. I really like it when a story surprises me like that. Nicely done.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


I have one suggestion. Now, I realise you wrote this a couple of years ago, so it might not even be applicable now. If not, please ignore this. I noticed you have written in the passive voice quite a lot. For example, in the first paragraph, you write, "She was the last one off the transfer and was glad to be out in the fresh air. The sun was shining in a bright blue sky . . . " It's a nice description, but by writing she was doing or feeling things, it puts the reader outside the story, rather than pulling us in. If you write something like, "She stepped into the fresh, salty air. The deep blue sky stretched forever before her eyes . . . " Okay, that's not perfect, but you see what I mean? (Again, you may have already changed this in your writing. If you have, ignore me.)

*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is a really enjoyable story that led me in a completely different direction from the one I thought I was heading. I love your descriptions of the hotel and the beautiful destination. Great job!

Choconut

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Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* The dialogue is fantastic. It's so real and believable, it was easy to fall inside the story. I could picture the two kids stood, with Bobby desperately wanting some of Elizabeth's candy. I loved your use of regional accents. For example, " He’d tan me good if he caught me begin’." This gives the characters individuality, making them more real.

*Starv* You have written the dialogue really cleverly. It flows smoothly, as you transition to, firstly, some other children, then the next door neighbour, then Bobby's dad. It would have been really easy to lose the reader without any dialogue tags, but I always knew who was speaking. Nicely done.

*StarV* I love how Bobby tries so hard to get Elizabeth to give him some candy. He drops massive hints, and she just doesn't get them (or chooses not to). It made me laugh. For example, Bobby says, "Naw, what I want is some of that there candy." To which, Elizabeth's response is that he should go trick-or-treating.

*StarV* The apple is a touch of comedy genius. This, Elizabeth is happy to give away, only Bobby doesn't want it. He wants candy! I couldn't help but wonder who would put an apple into a child's bag when they were trick-or-treating. A dentist, maybe!


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


The only part I wasn't sure about was the end. As I first read through, I was expecting some kind of twist or big reveal at the end. I admit, that's probably because I've read your stories before, and I know you write a lot of horror. But, for me, I just felt it fell a little flat at the end. It was a happy ending, though. I liked that Bobby was allowed to keep his candy bar. His dad proved to be more easy going than Bobby had imagined. I guess, you could say that was the twist.


*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is a feel-good, holiday story which is told entirely through dialogue. This is such a difficult thing to pull off, but you are the master of dialogue. I really enjoyed reading it. It has a lot of humour that made me laugh. Great job!

Choconut

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Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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What I liked


*StarV* I love a good ghost story, and this one is fantastic! What's more, you write at the top (in italics, which somehow makes it seem even creepier) that it's true. I couldn't wait to read what would happen, especially as you said you have never seen a ghost, but you know you have encountered one. The suspense and tension builds and builds right up until the end, when we have the frightening encounter. I was intrigued to read this.

*StarV* Before we get to the paranormal meeting, though, I love your description of Meggie's river house. It sounds like quite a creepy house, even before you describe the ghost. The Victorian furniture and lots of stairs (I imagine lots of wood) and beds for sixteen children! It just seems dark.

*StarV* I love the humour with which you write. The tone of the piece is very conversational, and I felt as though you were here in my living room, siting next to me and telling me about this story. By the way, I'm curious to read about your and Meggie's Woodstock experience!

*StarV* And so, the actual ghostly encounter. It's chilling. Goosebumps spread over my body and I went icy cold as I read this. I can't imagine how terrifying this must have been. I think I would rather just see a ghost, than be physically shaken by one. Now, I've got goosebumps again, just thinking about what you wrote. You really do paint a vivid picture of this experience. I'm not surprised you and Meggie went back to her parents' house. I don't think I could have stayed there.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


This is the place where I normally offer some advice or suggest you look at something, but I've got nothing. I wouldn't change a single thing about this. It's perfect (and it's not often I say that!).


*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is a beautifully written tale of paranormal scariness. But it's not just the fear that you write well, it's the whole description of Meggie, your friendship with her, the house; everything. I absolutely love this story. Fantastic!


Choconut

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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* Firstly, I love your opening to this story. "The early morning sun broke free from the clouds, bathing the bedroom in a soft yellow glow. A salty breeze drifted in off the ocean kept the room cool." Instantly, you put me inside the cool room overlooking the ocean. I imagined the salty breeze blowing white curtains inward and I felt relaxed. It's a lovely opening. I had to read on when I read this.

*StarV* I love your main character. You show her self doubt and uncertainty wonderfully well. I think most of us can relate to this, from some time in our lives. It unfolds in this story that your character has been divorced for about a year. Dating is new to her, and she doesn't feel able to give herself to anyone completely, for fear of getting hurt again. Jack, though. He is special. (I did wonder whether he would turn out to be mean, but he didn't, and I'm glad about that.) This is a great way to highlight your character's uncertainty; by planting it in the reader's mind also.

*StarV* I love your description of Jack's aqua-blue eyes. This reminds me of the ocean, and I like the way it mirrors that in this story. That's nicely done.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


There is a period placed here by mistake: "she then pummeled the pillow. ready to snuggle . . . " I think it should be a comma.

Near the end, you say Jack's eyes clouded over twice in close proximity, and it stands out a little. Also, do eyes cloud over when someone is attracted to you or happy? I would have said clouding over shows either disinterest or anger. I could be wrong, but it's just something to think about.

*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


I really enjoyed reading this romantic story. It's lovely to read something filled with so much hope and happiness. I think you've done a really great job with this.


Choconut

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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Nickmeraglio1 Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E].

Please take whatever is useful from my review and feel free to disregard the rest.

My first thoughts: As I first read through, I really liked the plot. You did a good job of creating suspense and hooking the reader into the story. I like how you tell the reader we are in an abandoned school because that, straight away, is creepy. Then the EMF meter goes off, and we know something bad is about to happen. I like that.

Plot: A person is investigating an abandoned school for paranormal activity. He is there on his own, and he says he doesn't believe in it. The part I found a little odd was that he didn't look up the school's history online before going there. He knew there were rumours that it was haunted, and he was going to prove/disprove that, but he hadn't looked up its history. Just seems odd to me.

I love the reveal at the end, where he watches the video of what happened in the basement all those years ago, and then he sees the warning, and his own lights go off. I love stories with a good twist at the end, and this one fits the bill brilliantly. Nicely done.

Grammar: Okay. There were quite a few grammar issues. I won't mention them all, but I would urge you to use a grammar programme, or something. The first one is the title, "I'm Hear." It should be here, as the way you've spelled it means "I'm hearing."

Every time you describe the teacher who became possessed, you refer to her as a women, but this is the plural form of the word, and it should be woman.

Your use of capital letters is a little random. They should only be used for proper nouns (names) and the beginning of sentences.

A couple of sentences didn't make sense. " 'Are we going to die? Me principle sir?' " Is this all one sentence? If so, only use the one question mark at the end. Also, " About two minutes went by and the door flew open and fell down the steps." This reads as though the door fell down the steps.I don't think that's what you meant.

What I liked: The plot. The twist at the end. I love your imagination. The way you bring everything together at the end works really well.

Suggestions: This is something that would make your story look more appealing. Use paragraphs and separate them out. It would make this read more clearly. As it is, it looks like it might be hard work to read. Separated, it would look more accessible.

I enjoyed reading this story. It is interesting and well thought-out, and with a little work, it could be a really great story.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. Anniversary Review for you, Christopher Roy Denton of White Walkers.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
What I Liked


*StarV* This story has a great humour running though it. Firstly, I love your title. I couldn't help but wonder if you were thinking of 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon when you wrote it! I found it funny. I did wonder, before I started reading, why you had entered it into the Folklore Monthly Writing Contest, when it looked like it was a romance about two guys named Bobby and Ken. In the first few paragraphs, I still had that query. Then, we get that brilliant line: "Inside, Ken faced him and grinned, revealing canine teeth longer than his fingers." It's a vampire story. Now, I get it! I think I was as surprised as Bobby was.

*StarV* This is the stand-out line for me: "Bobby ripped his collar away from his neck. 'Do me now, big boy. I wanna live forever!' " I really laughed when I read that. I could picture the scene really well.

*StarV* I love your description of Bobby waking up after he has turned. The agony in his head and the intense thirst, plus the way he's been buried alive to keep out the light (I assume) are great ways to show his new persona.

*StarV* I love the end. As always, you give the reader a nice little twist. This time, it is that Ken isn't gay. Bobby agreed to turn into a vampire, as he thought he would get to spend eternity with his new boyfriend. But, as Ken says, "Not a queer bone in my body." He also mocks Bobby. I was a little confused. Are you saying that Bobby is not good looking, and that's why Ken chose him: because he needed a break from all the pretty vampires?


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Suggestions


Only one minor point. "At forty-eight, Bobbie had thought he was the oldest here." In the rest of the story, you spell it Bobby.


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Parting Comments


This is an enjoyable story, that firstly surprised me by being a vampire story, then surprised me because one of the characters was straight. It's filled with humour, and I really like it.


Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2128873 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
499
499
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. Anniversary Review for you, Christopher Roy Denton of White Walkers.


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What I Liked


*StarV* Oh, you took me on a story with twists and turns and some really disgusting moments. I loved it! What I particularly liked was that I had no idea where it was going. You kept me on my toes and paying attention the whole way through. I would never have predicted that ending. It's a great story.


*StarV* You write so beautifully. Some of your descriptions had me right there inside the cold, dark winterscape of the story. Near the beginning, you write that Jenny is jealous of Mat because she could never, "kindle that light in her daughter's eyes." That's such a lovely phrase. Later in the story, when your describe the cold winter when Mat and Jenny venture outside, I could picture everything. I especially liked this description: "She squeezed her eyes shut against the stinging snow that blasted into her face." I could feel what it was like to be stood in the middle of a blizzard. You did a great job of putting me right in the centre of the story.


*StarV* I really like your characterisation of Beth. Her childlike wonder at her father's stories of this almost-forgotten time is brilliantly painted. I love this description: "Beth's mouth formed a perfect O as she digested this unbelievable fact." She comes across as so young and innocent, and it's actually really sad that this wonder is at the fact that fifty people used to live in her street. I also love, "the lectric magic used to make fake people walk around inside a box." That made me laugh. As did "Chris must Eve" and "Chris must Dave." That's really funny.

*StarV* The post-apocalyptic world that you describe, where people are cannibals and will eat just about anything that comes their way, is wonderfully dark. I love how the past lives on through Mat's rich stories. Even though, he was the one who killed Jenny's whole family, we discover at the end.


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Suggestions


I wonder how long ago the apocalypse was. You said Jenny's parents could remember life Before, but she couldn't. But, also, Jenny's daughter is Beth, so she must be of child-bearing age. I'm assuming people live much longer, maybe even forever, in this world. I was a little confused by that, though.


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Parting Comments


This is an imaginative story that kept me hooked the whole way through. You have some lovely descriptions in here, along with humour and a unique (and a little scary) look at what the world could become if certain people aren't stopped. I really like it.


Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2128873 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
500
500
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a House Stark "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. Anniversary Review for you, Christopher Roy Denton of White Walkers.


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What I Liked


*StarV* This story is a difficult one to review. It's a heartbreaking story, with good and bad on both sides of divide. But, I guess, that's how real life works. As I first read through, I found it to be an exciting story, and I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, and then in the end, you took my breath away.


*StarV* Jim is an interesting character. My opinion of him changed constantly throughout the story. At first, I thought he was going to be a jolly, donut-eating cop. Then, he referred to Muslims as ragheads, and I was taken aback. For a moment, I was like: Do I really want to read a story with language like that in it? But, it was the character using it, and it actually gave great insight into him and what he has been through. But, I found myself not liking Jim. That continued as he kept disrespecting the people he was there to save by using that word. Then, by saying, "Let's go save some Arabs." Again, I was shocked. It's so disrespectful. Of course, we learn that Jim has a reason to dislike Muslims, after his wife and baby daughter were killed in a terrorist attack. So, I had some sympathy for him.


*StarV* When I got to the end, I had wondered if his daughter would be part of the terrorists, through her Christian group. But I didn't expect Jim to have to kill her. It brought a lump to my throat, as I imagined having to make that decision. In a way, that makes Jim a more sympathetic character because he killed his only remaining daughter to save people of a religion he seriously disliked. When you show him remembering her first steps, it's really emotional. I love your last line as well: "The recoil reverberated down into the very core of his being." Literally and figuratively. Nice touch.


*StarV* Okay. I have to ask. Are those real call signs, or did you make them up? Either way, I'm impressed. It gave an extra authenticity to the story. I also like the coriander aroma in the air because of the Indian restaurants nearby. That was a nice touch, as well.


*Starv* It's interesting how you show both sides of the terrorist activity. The Jihadis who killed Jim's wife and daughter, and Lauren, whose fragile mental state has been preyed on by white supremacists. It's such an emotive subject. I could completely see how Lauren would have been brainwashed. I could also see how her deeds were equally as evil as those which killed her family.


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Parting Comments


As I said, this is an emotive story. It's left me feeling quite sad at the end. Not just for Jim and Lauren, or the little boy's family, but sad that this is becoming increasingly frequent, with no hope of an end in sight. This, though, is a great story.


Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2128195 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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