Hi Jenny Links
I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" [E].
My first thoughts: This is a great beginning for a longer story. I was hooked straight away, by the fact that the police precinct uses supernaturals alongside humans. Through the whole story, you build the suspense really well. The result is a reader who was on the edge of her seat, waiting for the bad thing to happen.
Plot: A town with supernaturals, living alongside humans. Emma is secretly in love with Jake, a werewolf. Jake is secretly in love with Emma. Something has to happen between those two. Emma has a frightening supernatural occurrence in her home and is saved by Jake, who offers her his spare room. The next morning, a mystery supernatural creature brutally murders a woman . . . who looks just like Emma. This is a great twist. It left me wanting to read more, which is exactly what you were looking for. It's a clever plot, and I'm interested to know where you will take it.
Characters: Emma and Jake. I wasn't sure, all through the first narrative of Emma, whether Jake would turn out to be the evil force. He seems like a really nice guy, but I just wasn't sure. Then, when I read his narrative, I changed my mind. He loves Emma, and she him.
Grammar: There are a few instances of tense changing in here. For example, you say, "This is what I loved about him." Then, "He never pushes you or forces you . . . " You switch from past to present tense a few times throughout the story. Just watch out for that, as it pulls the reader out of the story a little.
What I liked: The story and its uniqueness. I love the mystery. The suspense is great. I also really like the description of Jake's spare room when Emma wakes in the morning. "Bright rays of sunlight poured in through the blinds, creating little bars of light on the hardwood floor. Dust particles danced in the beams." It gives the reader warm and safe feeling.
Suggestions: Just a couple of points. I appreciate you're writing in the first person, but you start a lot of sentences with I. For example, "I pulled up in front of East Hollow Police department," "I took a deep breath . . . " "I flopped down . . . " Try to find other ways of wording it. By saying, "I did/saw/felt, etc." you're in storytelling mode. By doing this, you're creating a barrier between the reader and the story. We are reminded constantly it's a story. Instead, try saying something like, "The East Hollow Police Department loomed in front of me, with its glass windows reflecting the pale sunlight." Something like that, anyway. Something more immersive.
The other thing is adverbs. You use a lot and, almost always, they aren't necessary. It's better to find the right, strong verb, rather than a weaker verb, plus an adverb. So, for example, where you write, "I gently took the luggage and followed his instructions." I'm not sure why you said gently. It doesn't add anything to the sentence. In fact, it makes it stand out because it doesn't really make sense.
My suggestions are purely meant to be helpful. I really enjoyed reading this. You have created a great story that held my interest the whole way through. It's a great job!
Most importantly, keep writing!
Choconut
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