DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is both appropriate and adds to your poem. The opening line establishes the tone.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
This is a good example of a well written poem without rhymes. The specific image details are very good.
I had no problem with the scansion of flow and rhythm. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right.
I doubt this poem could be tightened without hurting it.
I found no errors.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The last lines seem right for ending the poem with a strong finish.
I gotta admit my favorite line is the fourth - "Now chipped and scratched."
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
1,000 GP's have been added to this review for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is both appropriate and adds to your poem. The opening line reminds me of "verily verily" in the King James Bible.
It beckons one to pay closer attention.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I liked the texture of sound in this poem.
I found no odd word choices. I had no problem with the scansion of flow. The diction is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. I found no errors that hurt your poem.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line is right for ending the poem. It's not artificial or overwritten.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
1,000 GP's have been added to this review for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate and adds to your poem. The opening line The openinmg line establishes the tone.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm and flow.
I found no odd word choices. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line bnreaks seem right. I like to see the left-handed caps consistent, either all caps or not.
When I don't use all capital letters, I indent the line that's different.
The second line in the second stanza has eight syllables instead of seven.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line is a good way to end the poem.
I thought more active verbs would give you a stronger poem (ie washing - breaking - sharing - asking, etc.)
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
Included with this review are 1,000 GP's for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
Your poem is personal, but rises above the individual and becomes more widely relevant.
The title is appropriate and adds to your poem.
The opening line establishes the tone.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
The specific image details are good. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm and flow.
The "texture" of sound adds meaning behind the words.
The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I find no errors. No punctuation works well with this poem.
The line breaks seem right. At my first reading I thought a dash before "I am freed" would be needed.
I would consider using one if it was a longer poem, but it is fine as is.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line is a good way to end your poem.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. 1,000 GP's are added to this review for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate and adds to your poem. The first line establishes the tone that is kept throughout the poem.
I liked the encouragement given to spread the "good news" (gospel) abroad.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow.
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
This poem worked well without punctuation, however, I suggest you replace the commas with a dash.
This not only eliminates punctuation for the reader, but put's an emphasis on what follows.
I like your being consistent on the first letter of each line - all caps.
I found a couple typos. Earths to earth's. Because "Hid" is capitalized, I assume it is referring to Jesus and needs to be changed to His. In line 5 HIs to his.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line is a good way to end the poem.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
Included are 1,000 GP's for your entry - and patience.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.These are my thoughts on senryu, sometimes compared with haiku. I will hold "most" of my impressions and suggestions with your senryu until "Overall Impression" at the end. A Title:
Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Senryu is titled.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. Both haiku and senryu are one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku and senryu has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku and senryu usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words ' weak ones like has, have, will.
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
'I':
Overuse of 1st person pronouns ' It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the person with senryu, and on the image with haiku.
Padding:
Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Redundancy:
One season word is enough: 'Spring blossoms' is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: 'pavement wet with rain' is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly.
Overall Impression:
Senryu are titled - no caps - they capture a moment in time - no punctuation.
Suggestion: Use the present tense and active verbs:
memory moment
measuring mortality
capturing my soul
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
Great subject. The Bible brings out both the good and bad with Bible characters. The title is both appropriate and adds to your poem. Writing the poem being in Michal's (MEE-cal) shoes gives you a stronger poem.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
The specific image details are very well done. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I found no errors, but one typo in the forth line. A period instead of a comma. The line breaks seem right.
I doubt if you could tighten the poem without hurting it.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines are a good way to end the poem. It's not overwritten or artificial. It's also the way Michal felt - bitter.
It is refreshing to read a poem that is showing more than telling - especially on the Scriptures.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem. I enjoyed reading it.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate, but does not add to the poem. It steals the thunder from the opening and closing lines (JMHO).
My first impression was a Pantoum perfectly written.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
I thought the form was well written. There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate. The totality of tone is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I found no errors with the mechanics that hurt your poem. The line breaks seem right.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The opening/closing line worked well for the Pantoum form. I've been going back through many of my poems using silent characters - even personification - to eliminate telling vs showing. The reader needs something to discover for him/herself.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
I really like the subject and the way it is written. The title is appropriate. The opening line establishes the tone that is kept throughout the poem. My first impression was "finally" a poem about Barabbas.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with scansion of rhythm or flow. It reads almost like a list poem.
I found no odd word choices.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I like this poem without punctuation, however, the commas create a need for it.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line is a good way to end the poem. It worked well on each stanza.
What puzzles me most is the low ratings that show on your reviews.
SUGGESTIONS:
The only thing that hurts this poem is partial punctuation - the overuse of commas.
My suggestion is to use the colons, dashes instead of commas, and/or elippses. They do not require other punctuation.
This is the only thing that keeps it from being a 5.0.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
This is a subject few stop to think about. The title is appropriate for the poem and adds to it. The opening line draws the reader into the poem.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
I thought the lack of "specific image details" and other poetry "sight" devices leaves little for the reader to discover.
I had no problem with the scansion of flow. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices.
The totality of tone is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. Partial punctuation hurts your poem. My suggestion is to use dashes and/or ellipses instead of commas.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines are a good way to end the poem. It isn't overwritten or artificial.
I thought your poem could be tightened by removing unneeded words - general and/or abstract words.
SUGGESTIONS:
I do like the subject matter. I suggest writing it in a way that is more showing than telling.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
Food for thought: Malachi was written after the completion of the Temple in 516 B.C. (MAL. 1:7,10; 3:1)
During the Persian rule (pehah in 1:8 is Persian for "governor.")
Nehemiah was back in Babylon - so he didn't write it.
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MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
I always liked that title for John. It is appropriate for your poem. The opening line continues to set the tone that is kept throughout.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with scansion of rhythm and flow.
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. To remain consistent I suggest you cap the third line.
A dash after Apostle will eliminate overusing commas and put an emphasis on what follows.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines are very good and a perfect way to end your poem. It is not overwritten or artificial.
SUGGESTIONS:
I suggest you make this poem into a longer one by developing each line a little more.
The reader needs to discover something for him/herself. As for a short poem - I love it.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate and adds to the poem. It is refreshing reading about a different character and subject - with a new perspective.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of flow. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices.
The syntax is appropriate. The tone was consistent throughout the poem.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. I thought not using punctuation in this poem was wise - it worked well for you.
I like to see the caps beginning each line consistent - either all capitals, no caps or indent the uncapped lines.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines seem right for ending the poem. It isn't artificial or overwritten.
I thought the lack of poetry devices is the only thing that hurts your poem. Instead of "baldly" stating something, poetry needs to allow the reader
to "discover" things on his/her own - from the word pictures that are painted.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. Included are 1000 GP's for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate. The opening line draws the reader and creates curiosity.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm and flow. The diction is consistent.
The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices. The totality of tone is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
In the last line, your sentence contains a series of three or more words, phrases, or clauses. Consider inserting a comma to separate the elements.
The line breaks seem right.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The last lines seem right for ending the poem. I look for consistency. The capitals on the left are not consistent (see suggestions).
I thought a few parts could be developed more - to leave the reader something to discover for him/herself.
SUGGESTIONS:
When I do not be consistent with the capitals, I like to indent the line not capitalized. This is only my opinion.
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. 1,000 GP's has been added for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
Your poem shows a different perspective, which is needed on something that has been written about many times.
The title is appropriate. The dash in the title and opening line adds a lot to both.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of flow.
The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices.
The totality of tone is consistent and positive. I picture it after Gen. 3:21.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The final line should be consistent with the title and the first line - using the dash.
Typo with the opening line in the third stanza. (Redemtion to Redemption).
"all" is not needed in the first stanza.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
I thought the closing lines worked well for you. Also, I liked the fact that the author put himself on the scene, and in Adam's shoes.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no more suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
What a great Ovillejo poem (my first impression). The title is appropriate and adds to the poem. Opening with a question works well.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
Your poem is well written and the form is correct. It's refreshing to read a poem that is positive.
The rhyming seems natural and not forced.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I suggest you replace the three commas with dashes to remain consistent w/o punctuation.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The final stanza is perfect for ending the poem.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem. In a 1-5 rating, I would give you a six - except for the punctuation in the final two lines.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. 1000 GP's are included in this review for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
I like both the refreshing perspective and saying a lot in a few words. The title is appropriate. The opening line sets the tone.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
The simile worked well in this free verse form.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I don't see a need for the comma after "frost." The line breaks seem right. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
I love the closing. Short poems are better with a strong finish.
SUGGESTIONS:
"All" is not needed in the 5th line. I would omit "That is" in the 6th line and put a dash after heart. The dash will emphasize what follows.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. I enclosed 1000 GP's with this review for your entry.
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MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
Disclaimer:
I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Subject:
I liked the perspective used. You are talking to Abraham as though he were with you.
On things that have been written about over and over one needs a new perspective.
Opening:
The title is appropriate and adds to the poem.
Sight Devices:
The specific image details worked well.
Sound Devices:
I had no problems with the scansion of rhythm and flow.
Sense Devices:
See General Observations and Suggestions.
Closure:
In the first nine lines, the poet is talking to Abraham. In the next two lines, the poet is talking about Abraham. In the closing line, it goes back to the first nine lines.
"Him" should be changed to "you" to remain consistent.
Placement On Page:
The line breaks seem right.
General Observations & Suggestions:
I believe your poem could be tightened by using more active verbs and omitting unneeded words.
Line one: Your poem talks to Abraham as though he were alive (and he is). To give you a stronger poem I suggest you use active verbs. "God loves you."
Follow line one with an end stop (period). The overuse of commas we picked up from traditional poets.
Line two: "You were" is not needed. If "seed" is singular "many" should be changed too much. If left as is "seed" should be plural (seeds). An end stop is needed.
The next three lines: trying, giving and going omitting "You" - "Would" and "As you went."
Your poem is worth making the changes - I think it's a keeper. Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review it.
1000 GP's are added with this review for your entry.
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
You took one of the big subjects and gave it a new perspective - through the eyes of Adam.
The title adds to the poem without hurting the first line. They work well together. You draw the reader in and keeps his/her interest throughout.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
Free Verse without rhymes or meter. The images are very good and I had no problem with the flow.
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. I debated on one word as being unneeded, bet decided it would hurt your poem if it wasn't there.
I doubt if your poem can be tightened without hurting it.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
I love the closing lines, it takes your poem full circle and leaves much for the reader to think about.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem. I'll give you ***** five stars.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.These are my thoughts on senryu, sometimes compared with haiku. A Title:
The emphasis in haiku is on nature. The emphasis in senryu is on people. Your poetry is senryu. Senryu is titled, haiku is not.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. Both haiku and senryu are one "moment" in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku and senryu has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku and senryu usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words ' weak ones like has, have, will.
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
'I':
Overuse of 1st person pronouns ' It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the person with senryu, and on the image with haiku.
Padding:
Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Redundancy:
One season word is enough: 'Spring blossoms' is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: 'pavement wet with rain' is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly.
Overall Impression:
It was refreshing to see "Christian" senryu written. I hope you keep writing it.
Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work.
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.These are my thoughts on senryu, sometimes compared with haiku. I will hold "most" of my impressions and suggestions with your senryu until "Overall Impression" at the end. A Title:
Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Senryu is titled.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. Both haiku and senryu are one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku and senryu has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku and senryu usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words ' weak ones like has, have, will.
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
'I':
Overuse of 1st person pronouns ' It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the person with senryu, and on the image with haiku.
Padding:
Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Redundancy:
One season word is enough: 'Spring blossoms' is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: 'pavement wet with rain' is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly.
Overall Impression:
First, I really like this poem. Senryu captures a moment in time. Referring to the past and/or future removes it from the action. Eliminate the capital letters (not referring to God). My suggestion is to leave it like it is, but not refer to it as senryu. It is well written.
Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your poem.
Disclaimer:
I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Subject:
Although your poem deals with one of the big subjects, I like the perspective.
Opening:
The title seems appropriate and adds to your poem. The opening line draws curiosity and establishes an appropriate tone.
Sight Devices:
There are enough specific image details. I thought the metaphors were appropriate.
Sound Devices:
I had a little problem with the scansion of flow. After reading it several times, I decided it was the overuse of commas, and lack of dashes. Sometimes you need an end stop (period), and the dash after Victory (in the last line of the Example below) puts an emphasis on what follows. It also eliminates the use of a comma.
EX:
But David lifts his hands to GOD
to show Helps truest Source.
The army would that day applaud
GOD's Victory - of course!
Sense Devices:
The diction is consistant. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices.
Closure:
The closing lines are a great way to end the poem. It isn't artificial or overwritten.
Placement On Page:
The line breaks seem right.
General Observations & Suggestions:
I thought using more action words would give you an even stronger poem. Example: facing, finding, and lifting.
Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work.
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
This template is based on ten devices that can turn off experienced editors, judges & haikuists. I will hold my impressions and suggestions with your poem until "Overall Impression" at the end.
A Title:
Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Instead of using a title, try revision.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. A haiku is one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress your haiku, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words (weak ones like has, have, will).
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
I:
Overuse of 1st person pronouns It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the image, not the person.
Padding:
Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Kigo:
Kigo is a word or phrase associated with a particular season. It is nature unbridled. One season word is enough, let strong words do their job: pavement wet with rain is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly. Proverbs masquerading as haiku are likely to run into trouble.
Overall Impression:
Haiku are not titled, and caps should not be used. Having said that, I love the content - it's well written.
Disclaimer:
I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Subject:
The prompt requires a different perspective, because it's been written about over and over. I like your perspective of looking through the eyes of a disciple. Peter was a good example to use.
Opening:
The title seems appropriate and works well with the graphic. The opening line establishes the tone.
Sight Devices:
The specific image details are well written. I found no weak areas.
Sound Devices:
I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow.
Sense Devices:
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate.
Closure:
The closing lines seem right for ending the poem. It isn't artificial or overwritten.
Placement On Page:
The line breaks seem right.
General Observations & Suggestions:
The one thing that hurts your poem (my opinion) is using unneeded words. I thought it could be tightened. Example: In the first line "had" is not needed.
They told me, Lord,
That you were seen -
But not by me.
For worthy - I'd not been.
Thank you for allowing me to review your work. Keep writing.
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The graphic, title, and opening line go well together. The opening establishes an appropriate tone.
*cofeeb*POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. "Lamb" should be capitalized (line 12).
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line seems like a good way to end the poem. After the first stanza, I thought your poem went from show to tell. I'm a believer that a poem needs to leave something for the reader to discover for him/herself.
SUGGESTIONS:
My suggestion would be to use more poetic devises. Having said that, I also thought it was well written.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
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| (4.5)
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