DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
This is a subject few stop to think about. The title is appropriate for the poem and adds to it. The opening line draws the reader into the poem.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
I thought the lack of "specific image details" and other poetry "sight" devices leaves little for the reader to discover.
I had no problem with the scansion of flow. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices.
The totality of tone is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. Partial punctuation hurts your poem. My suggestion is to use dashes and/or ellipses instead of commas.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines are a good way to end the poem. It isn't overwritten or artificial.
I thought your poem could be tightened by removing unneeded words - general and/or abstract words.
SUGGESTIONS:
I do like the subject matter. I suggest writing it in a way that is more showing than telling.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
Food for thought: Malachi was written after the completion of the Temple in 516 B.C. (MAL. 1:7,10; 3:1)
During the Persian rule (pehah in 1:8 is Persian for "governor.")
Nehemiah was back in Babylon - so he didn't write it.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
I always liked that title for John. It is appropriate for your poem. The opening line continues to set the tone that is kept throughout.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with scansion of rhythm and flow.
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. To remain consistent I suggest you cap the third line.
A dash after Apostle will eliminate overusing commas and put an emphasis on what follows.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines are very good and a perfect way to end your poem. It is not overwritten or artificial.
SUGGESTIONS:
I suggest you make this poem into a longer one by developing each line a little more.
The reader needs to discover something for him/herself. As for a short poem - I love it.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate and adds to the poem. It is refreshing reading about a different character and subject - with a new perspective.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of flow. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices.
The syntax is appropriate. The tone was consistent throughout the poem.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. I thought not using punctuation in this poem was wise - it worked well for you.
I like to see the caps beginning each line consistent - either all capitals, no caps or indent the uncapped lines.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines seem right for ending the poem. It isn't artificial or overwritten.
I thought the lack of poetry devices is the only thing that hurts your poem. Instead of "baldly" stating something, poetry needs to allow the reader
to "discover" things on his/her own - from the word pictures that are painted.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. Included are 1000 GP's for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate. The opening line draws the reader and creates curiosity.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm and flow. The diction is consistent.
The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices. The totality of tone is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
In the last line, your sentence contains a series of three or more words, phrases, or clauses. Consider inserting a comma to separate the elements.
The line breaks seem right.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The last lines seem right for ending the poem. I look for consistency. The capitals on the left are not consistent (see suggestions).
I thought a few parts could be developed more - to leave the reader something to discover for him/herself.
SUGGESTIONS:
When I do not be consistent with the capitals, I like to indent the line not capitalized. This is only my opinion.
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. 1,000 GP's has been added for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
Your poem shows a different perspective, which is needed on something that has been written about many times.
The title is appropriate. The dash in the title and opening line adds a lot to both.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of flow.
The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices.
The totality of tone is consistent and positive. I picture it after Gen. 3:21.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The final line should be consistent with the title and the first line - using the dash.
Typo with the opening line in the third stanza. (Redemtion to Redemption).
"all" is not needed in the first stanza.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
I thought the closing lines worked well for you. Also, I liked the fact that the author put himself on the scene, and in Adam's shoes.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no more suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
What a great Ovillejo poem (my first impression). The title is appropriate and adds to the poem. Opening with a question works well.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
Your poem is well written and the form is correct. It's refreshing to read a poem that is positive.
The rhyming seems natural and not forced.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I suggest you replace the three commas with dashes to remain consistent w/o punctuation.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The final stanza is perfect for ending the poem.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem. In a 1-5 rating, I would give you a six - except for the punctuation in the final two lines.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. 1000 GP's are included in this review for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
I like both the refreshing perspective and saying a lot in a few words. The title is appropriate. The opening line sets the tone.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
The simile worked well in this free verse form.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I don't see a need for the comma after "frost." The line breaks seem right. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
I love the closing. Short poems are better with a strong finish.
SUGGESTIONS:
"All" is not needed in the 5th line. I would omit "That is" in the 6th line and put a dash after heart. The dash will emphasize what follows.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. I enclosed 1000 GP's with this review for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
Disclaimer:
I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Subject:
I liked the perspective used. You are talking to Abraham as though he were with you.
On things that have been written about over and over one needs a new perspective.
Opening:
The title is appropriate and adds to the poem.
Sight Devices:
The specific image details worked well.
Sound Devices:
I had no problems with the scansion of rhythm and flow.
Sense Devices:
See General Observations and Suggestions.
Closure:
In the first nine lines, the poet is talking to Abraham. In the next two lines, the poet is talking about Abraham. In the closing line, it goes back to the first nine lines.
"Him" should be changed to "you" to remain consistent.
Placement On Page:
The line breaks seem right.
General Observations & Suggestions:
I believe your poem could be tightened by using more active verbs and omitting unneeded words.
Line one: Your poem talks to Abraham as though he were alive (and he is). To give you a stronger poem I suggest you use active verbs. "God loves you."
Follow line one with an end stop (period). The overuse of commas we picked up from traditional poets.
Line two: "You were" is not needed. If "seed" is singular "many" should be changed too much. If left as is "seed" should be plural (seeds). An end stop is needed.
The next three lines: trying, giving and going omitting "You" - "Would" and "As you went."
Your poem is worth making the changes - I think it's a keeper. Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review it.
1000 GP's are added with this review for your entry.
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
You took one of the big subjects and gave it a new perspective - through the eyes of Adam.
The title adds to the poem without hurting the first line. They work well together. You draw the reader in and keeps his/her interest throughout.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
Free Verse without rhymes or meter. The images are very good and I had no problem with the flow.
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. I debated on one word as being unneeded, bet decided it would hurt your poem if it wasn't there.
I doubt if your poem can be tightened without hurting it.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
I love the closing lines, it takes your poem full circle and leaves much for the reader to think about.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem. I'll give you ***** five stars.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.These are my thoughts on senryu, sometimes compared with haiku. A Title:
The emphasis in haiku is on nature. The emphasis in senryu is on people. Your poetry is senryu. Senryu is titled, haiku is not.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. Both haiku and senryu are one "moment" in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku and senryu has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku and senryu usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words ' weak ones like has, have, will.
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
'I':
Overuse of 1st person pronouns ' It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the person with senryu, and on the image with haiku.
Padding:
Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Redundancy:
One season word is enough: 'Spring blossoms' is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: 'pavement wet with rain' is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly.
Overall Impression:
It was refreshing to see "Christian" senryu written. I hope you keep writing it.
Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work.
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.These are my thoughts on senryu, sometimes compared with haiku. I will hold "most" of my impressions and suggestions with your senryu until "Overall Impression" at the end. A Title:
Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Senryu is titled.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. Both haiku and senryu are one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku and senryu has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku and senryu usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words ' weak ones like has, have, will.
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
'I':
Overuse of 1st person pronouns ' It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the person with senryu, and on the image with haiku.
Padding:
Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Redundancy:
One season word is enough: 'Spring blossoms' is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: 'pavement wet with rain' is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly.
Overall Impression:
First, I really like this poem. Senryu captures a moment in time. Referring to the past and/or future removes it from the action. Eliminate the capital letters (not referring to God). My suggestion is to leave it like it is, but not refer to it as senryu. It is well written.
Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your poem.
Disclaimer:
I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Subject:
Although your poem deals with one of the big subjects, I like the perspective.
Opening:
The title seems appropriate and adds to your poem. The opening line draws curiosity and establishes an appropriate tone.
Sight Devices:
There are enough specific image details. I thought the metaphors were appropriate.
Sound Devices:
I had a little problem with the scansion of flow. After reading it several times, I decided it was the overuse of commas, and lack of dashes. Sometimes you need an end stop (period), and the dash after Victory (in the last line of the Example below) puts an emphasis on what follows. It also eliminates the use of a comma.
EX:
But David lifts his hands to GOD
to show Helps truest Source.
The army would that day applaud
GOD's Victory - of course!
Sense Devices:
The diction is consistant. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices.
Closure:
The closing lines are a great way to end the poem. It isn't artificial or overwritten.
Placement On Page:
The line breaks seem right.
General Observations & Suggestions:
I thought using more action words would give you an even stronger poem. Example: facing, finding, and lifting.
Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work.
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
This template is based on ten devices that can turn off experienced editors, judges & haikuists. I will hold my impressions and suggestions with your poem until "Overall Impression" at the end.
A Title:
Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Instead of using a title, try revision.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. A haiku is one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress your haiku, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words (weak ones like has, have, will).
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
I:
Overuse of 1st person pronouns It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the image, not the person.
Padding:
Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Kigo:
Kigo is a word or phrase associated with a particular season. It is nature unbridled. One season word is enough, let strong words do their job: pavement wet with rain is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly. Proverbs masquerading as haiku are likely to run into trouble.
Overall Impression:
Haiku are not titled, and caps should not be used. Having said that, I love the content - it's well written.
Disclaimer:
I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Subject:
The prompt requires a different perspective, because it's been written about over and over. I like your perspective of looking through the eyes of a disciple. Peter was a good example to use.
Opening:
The title seems appropriate and works well with the graphic. The opening line establishes the tone.
Sight Devices:
The specific image details are well written. I found no weak areas.
Sound Devices:
I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow.
Sense Devices:
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate.
Closure:
The closing lines seem right for ending the poem. It isn't artificial or overwritten.
Placement On Page:
The line breaks seem right.
General Observations & Suggestions:
The one thing that hurts your poem (my opinion) is using unneeded words. I thought it could be tightened. Example: In the first line "had" is not needed.
They told me, Lord,
That you were seen -
But not by me.
For worthy - I'd not been.
Thank you for allowing me to review your work. Keep writing.
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The graphic, title, and opening line go well together. The opening establishes an appropriate tone.
*cofeeb*POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. "Lamb" should be capitalized (line 12).
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line seems like a good way to end the poem. After the first stanza, I thought your poem went from show to tell. I'm a believer that a poem needs to leave something for the reader to discover for him/herself.
SUGGESTIONS:
My suggestion would be to use more poetic devises. Having said that, I also thought it was well written.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The first lines set an appropriate tone.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I found no problem with the scansion of rhythm and flow. The rhyming scheme helped.
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
Because you chose not to punctuate, I suggest you replace the commas with dashes, and eliminate "and" (line three).
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
I love a strong finish in poetry. The closing line added a lot to your poem.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
Your poem is personal, but rises above the individual, and becomes more widely relevant. The title seems appropriate for the poem. Keeping the title in the present tense also adds to the poem.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
I really like this form, and wonder why I haven't used it more. I found no areas weak in visual images. I found no problem with scansion of rhythm and flow. The form worked well for you. I found no odd word choices. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. The totality of tone is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. See suggestions.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The strong finish is what set's your poem apart. It's written in a way that keeps it on your mind.
SUGGESTIONS:
I saved this for suggestions because that is what it is. Withoit the colon, "That" (last line) is not needed. My suggestion is to use a dash after "for" and eliminating "That" completely.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. I'm looking for a good year here in 2016.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.These are my thoughts on senryu, sometimes compared with haiku.
A Title:
Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Senryu is titled.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. Both haiku and senryu are one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku and senryu has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku and senryu usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words ' weak ones like has, have, will.
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
'I':
Overuse of 1st person pronouns ' It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the person with senryu, and on the image with haiku.
Padding:
Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Redundancy:
One season word is enough: 'Spring blossoms' is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: 'pavement wet with rain' is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly.
Overall Impression:
Senryu is capturing one moment in continuum. End stops change it. I suggest using a dash and no punctuation. There can be only one break - usually after the first or second line, sometimes in the middle of the second line.
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate, but repeated in the opening line omits taking advantage of adding something to your poem. The opening line establishes a good tone that is kept throughout.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I found no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow. I found no odd word choices. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate.
PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. The second enjambment in the 5th stanza needs a comma or dash, for consistency.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing takes the poem full circle. It seems right for ending the poem. It's not overwritten or artificial. I liked repeating the last stanza with this poem. I suggest you omit "Just." It is not needed, and would be consistent with the opening stanza.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
I love the perspective. It could be Peter or any one of us. The title is appropriate and adds to your poem. If it were not for the repetition, it would steal the thunder, but works well with it.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
The strong language and imagery paints a good word picture. The rhyme scheme and repetition gives it a good flow and rhythm.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I find no odd word choices. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. I find no errors that hurt your poem.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines seem like a good way to end the poem. It's not overwritten or artificial. It also leaves you something to think about. This poem is very well written.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem. I think your previous ratings are low.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
I liked the perspective of putting the emphasis on all of those in the boat, and not only Peter. The title is appropriate and adds to the poem. The opening line draws the reader in.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. The simile worked well. I had no problem with the scansion of flow or rhythm. The rhyme scheme worked well.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
Last line "He" to His. No punctuation worked well with this poem. The line breaks seem right. The diction is consistent. The syntax appropriate.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The last lines seem right for ending the poem. I had a couple thoughts as I was reading your poem. Your poem is well written, so it's only food for thought - in suggestions.
SUGGESTIONS:
I thought using more active verbs would make it sound less passive. Filling, tossing, moaning, etc. Also, the reader needs something to discover for him/herself.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
When writing about subjects that have been written about over and over, the author needs to use a new perspective. This was my first thought, because your poem shows a different perspective. The title is both appropriate and adds to your poem.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
Couplets worked well with this poem. The specific image details put you at the scene. I had no problem with the scansion of flow or rhythm. The rhyme scheme worked well.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax appropriate. The totality of tone is consistent. The line breaks seem right. I'm not one for partial punctuation, but it hasn't hurt your poem - for this contest.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The last lines seem right for ending the poem. It's not artificial or over written. I like the strong finish. Observations: The metaphor, and leaving something for the reader to discover for him/herself, is very well done.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
I loved the perspective from a train ride. The title is appropriate. "ON" in the title, and "IN" in the first line allows the title to add to the poem. It helps keep the opening line from sounding redundant.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of flow or rhythm. The rhyme scheme worked well. The totality of tone is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices. The line breaks seem right. It's refreshing to see punctuation, and not all enjambments. [I will only consider this taste, but I only center free verse now. My suggestion for the placement on the page is to indent the second lines (2,4,6,8,10,12,14) and drop the caps].
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The last lines seem right for ending the poem. It is not overwritten or artificial. I thought your poem could be tightened a little. One Example: Third line - "She clasps her cross on a gold chain." She is not needed. I suggest an action verb instead:
"clasping her cross on a gold chain."
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no more suggestions, except to keep writing.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.These are my thoughts on senryu, sometimes compared with haiku. I will hold "most" of my impressions and suggestions with your senryu until "Overall Impression" at the end.
A Title:
Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Senryu is titled.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. Both haiku and senryu are one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku and senryu has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn’t chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku and senryu usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words — weak ones like has, have, will.
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
“I”:
Overuse of 1st person pronouns — It’s more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the person with senryu, and on the image with haiku.
Padding:
Don’t throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Redundancy:
One season word is enough: “Spring blossoms” is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: “pavement wet with rain” is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don’t state it baldly.
Overall Impression:
The Farmer
The syllable count is 5-3-8, and less than 17.
Dinnertime
Eliminate the caps that do not refer to God. I suggest an ellipsis following the second line, and a dash before "it's burning."
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.These are some of my thoughts on senryu, sometimes compared with haiku. I will hold "most" of my impressions and suggestions with your senryu until "Overall Impression" at the end.
A Title:
Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Senryu are titled.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. Both haiku and senryu are one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku and senryu has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn’t chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku and senryu usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words — weak ones like has, have, will.
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
“I”:
Overuse of 1st person pronouns — It’s more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the person with senryu, and on the image with haiku.
Padding:
Don’t throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Redundancy:
One season word is enough: “Spring blossoms” is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: “pavement wet with rain” is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don’t state it baldly.
Overall Impression:
Like haiku, senryu captures a moment in time. There is only one break in thought. My suggestion is to capture a specific image in time and let the reader discover the message without stating it. Eliminate punctuation and caps that are not referring to God.
Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.17 seconds at 5:52am on Jul 12, 2025 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
