I gave you a five. After thirty five years in the prison ministry, its always refreshing to find someone who puts feet behind their writing. I do correspondence courses for fifteen state prisons and church services at our county jail. I find that many of them like to write while incarcerated. Keep writing and keep going to jail.
I really enjoyed reading your poem. I read it several times and out loud. I'll need to tell you what I thought was right with it, because I didn't find much wrong. The title was appropriate with the subject, tone and genre. When I first read the title I thought "bye" should have been capitalized. However, reading it with your poem (and not underlined) I like it as it is. For me the circumstances and who is talking came through very well. The shape and structure are satisfying. The tone (attitude) is appropiate to both content and audience. I liked the fact that words are not wasted. What is repeated sets the mood:
Good bye
So long
Good day
These lines I thought also "glued" everything together.
The rhyme is pleasurable and supportive. The flow is good. And no punctuation works well with it. What I find wrong is I didn't write it.
I enjoyed your poem. The title is appropriate and aroused my interest. I like the rhyme structure. The flow is good until the third stanza. I read it out loud several times but stopped on the second line of the third stanza. "Ever" requires making a change to keep the flow. Maybe add "most perfect" and leave out but I was. This also helps not using too many I's. Third line - a comma after You requires another one after alone. My suggestion is to leave out "You, and." The only other thing I had a problem with is grace and phase. With the rest of the poem it breaks up the flow. Maybe place instead of phase? These are only my opinions, but try them and see what happens - reading it out loud.
To me the only true haiku is written this way. I found >65 ways to write it when you get out of the Japanese language. Having said that, to me it is a way of thinking. So I consider anything under 17 syllables in three lines, written in phrases, either haiku or senryu. English, not Japanese Haiku. Because of your low rating (?) and reason for writing it, I decided to give you a 5.0. Keep writing them in Japanese and translating....... Quihadi
I keep a checklist when reviewing. Helps me when I have a senior moment. You mentioned one thing I wish I would have done at least once since starting with WDC. It's been added it to my checklist to use when I feel it is necessary. Sending an e-mail before the rating on something with a (very) low rating. It not only helps the author, but creates a better climate for a workshop. I give you a 5.0.
First, I found your poem to be original, honest and expressive.Although the title is appropriate to the subject, what drew me to read it was "the ultimate sacrifice." I thought the tone was both sensitive and appropriate. You gave an interesting and fresh approach to an ageless subject. A few things seemed to slow down the flow. I would capitalize "in" on the third line and put a comma after "days." The second stanza, I would make it two sentences and drop both "ands." Repeating "realized" makes it redundant. Maybe changing the second one to knew? For me anyway, this helps move the poem along. I think you have a keeper.
Dexter,
Usually with posts I am drawn by the title. Your title is appropriate and hints to what the poem is about. I had no problem with who is talking or the basic situation (subject). The structure of the poem supports it's content. I thought your attitude toward the subject (tone) is very good. The metaphor is fresh and convincing. I would punctuate the dialog completely or drop the capital letters. I think you were under rated on this one. It's a keeper.
I was drawn to your poem because of the title. It generated interest and hinted as to what the poem was about. The circumstances and who is talking (subject) come through very well. The structure supports the content. I like the fact their are no punctuation marks or forced rhymes. The tone (attitude) is appropiate to the subject. It flows well when read aloud. The only thing I would change is setting to sitting in the first line. Setting implies an act. Sitting implies rest. Keep writing - now I'm going to make some coffee and sit on the front porch.
Quihadi
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