Welcome to Writing.com. I hope you enjoy it here as much as I do. One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Subject: I like the perspective given to an otherwise 'big' subject (love). Also, it rises above the individual and becomes more widely relevant.
Where poem was read: Noticing Newbies
Opening: The title is appropriate and adds to the poem.
Sight Devices: There are enough specific image details.
Sound Devices: The rhythm is good, but I had a problem with the flow when reading it out loud.
Sense Devices: The voice and point of view is good. As is the sentence structure and totality of tone.
Closure: I liked the strong finish.
Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right. I believe the problem with the flow is the over use of commas. This is a good gauge to go by: Two commas per sentence. It keeps you from saying more than one thing at a time. It also prevents the overuse of adjectives. I've learned to use semi-colons, colons and dashes when I need to say more than one thing. I see this giving you a much stronger poem.
General Observations: I always like to ask why the left hand caps, or why not? Sometimes I have a reason for it, but if not, I stopped using them. This is probably only taste.
I did enjoy your poem, which is why I decided to review it. Thank you for allowing me to. Keep writing.
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace. I included more than necessary (for your poem) to convey haiku as a way of thinking.
• A Title: Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Instead of using a title, try revision.
• Punctuation: Avoid periods. A haiku is one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation-The average haiku has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
• The Telegram Effect: Compress your haiku, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
• Lifeless Verbs: The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
• Past or Future Tense: Haiku usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words - weak ones like has, have, will.
• Adjectives and Adverbs: Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
• "I": Overuse of 1st person pronouns - It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the image, not the person.
• Padding: Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
• Redundancy: One season word is enough: "Spring blossoms" is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: "pavement wet with rain" is redundant.
• Abstractions: Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly. Proverbs masquerading as haiku are likely to run into trouble.
The best way to become familiar with haiku is to jump into a haiku moment. Then another. Then another. And enjoy!
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Ten devices that can "turn off" experienced editors, judges & haikuists:
• A Title: Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself, as this one does.
• Too Much Punctuation: A haiku is one moment in a continuum; punctuation often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter).
• The Telegram Effect: Compress your haiku, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
• Lifeless Verbs: The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
• Past or Future Tense: Haiku usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words - weak ones like has, have, will.
• Adjectives and Adverbs: Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
• "I": Overuse of 1st person pronouns - It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the image, not the person.
• Padding: Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
• Redundancy: One season word is enough: "Spring blossoms" is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: "pavement wet with rain" is redundant.
• Abstractions: Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly. Proverbs masquerading as haiku are likely to run into trouble.
The best way to become familiar with haiku is to jump into a haiku moment. Then another. Then another. And enjoy!
I do enjoy reading your haiku. My suggestions are that you drop the titles and caps.
Welcome aboard LeWag. I hope you enjoy it here as much as I do. One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Where poem was read: Your Portfolio
Opening: I like the title. It is appropriate for the poem. I also like the first line. I would eliminate the comma though. The opening would be stronger.
Sight Devices: There are enough specific image details.
Sound Devices: The rhythm is good and I thought it worked well using couplets.
Sense Devices: The diction is consistent. I didn't find any odd word choices. The point of view is good.
Closure: The closing line is a good way to end the poem.
Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right. I'm one for stripping away any punctuation/words that are not needed. I see about ten commas and a few words that could be eliminated.
General Observations: I think this is a good poem that needs tightened a little. It would make it a much stronger poem. Which is the only reason I didn't give you a 5.0.
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Where poem was read:Your Portfolio.
Opening:The title is appropriate for the poem. The opening line sets the tone. Sight Devices:There are enough specific image devices. I didn't find any weak sections.
Sound Devices:The rhythm is good.
Sense Devices: The point of view is consistent. The sentence structure is good.
Closure: The closing lines seem right for the ending.
Placement On Page:The line breaks were good and one stanza works well with it.
General Observations:I think a small change would give it a stronger finish. Make the last two lines a separate sentence. Capitalize "My waking heart." Not having the pause ruins a strong finish.
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Where poem was read: Your Portfolio.
General Observations: First, the first one is Haiku (nature) and the second one is Senryu (humans). Three phrases with the max of 17 syllables total. The 5-7-5 seems to be a standard in English. At one time, I worked to keep the count 5-7-5, then I did a study on it. In Japanese it's actually closer to a 2-4-2 count. So, I think anything less than 5-7-5 is acceptable. Senryu has a title and Haiku doesn't. I like your descriptions. 'Autumn waltz in rainbow hues' is my favorite line. Keep writing them.
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Where poem was read: In your portfolio
Opening: Haiku does not have a title. Senryu does. Haiku is about nature. Senryu is about people. They are to be written in three phrases. Both are to be written in three lines with less than 17 syllables total. The Japanese equivalent to our syllable is shorter. They were developed to teach Japanese children how to write poetry. Also, they are harder to write than it looks. Keep writing.
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Where poem was read: Your portfolio. I picked one that wasn't rated yet.
Opening: The title is appropriate. I like the opening lines, but using the same word twice in one line subtracts from it's meaning. Instead of using honor the second time, I would use "glorify." It doesn't take away from the meaning.
Sight Devices: I like the image details.
Sound Devices: I thought the rhythm was good. The sound had a good texture.
Sense Devices: I loved the voice and it was consistent. The sentence structure was good. Changing it would take away from the poem.
Closure: Love the last two stanzas. It isn't artificial or overwritten and a strong finish.
Placement On Page: This poem works good without punctuation. I found no wasted words.
General Observations: The only reason I did not give this poem a 5.0 was the second line. I enjoy all of your work.
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Where poem was read: Your porfolio
Opening: The title is appropriate. The first line sets the tone.
Sight Devices: Although this poem is easy to understand, I find it weak in visual images.
Sound Devices: I find no problem with the rhythm.
Sense Devices: Sentence structure is good. The voice is consistent. I found no odd words.
Closure: The last line seems right for ending the poem. It isn't overwritten, but I think it's better without the caps. May be just my taste.
Placement On Page: The line breaks and placement seems good. I didn't see anything (words or punctuation) that could be stripped away.
General Observations: I think it's a good poem, but I also think it could be developed more. Emotions come through loud and clear.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Where poem was read: Your portfolio
Opening: I am not sure of the first line. "Serenity falling downwards" would be a stronger first line. Since Heaven's Tears is capitalized, I am assuming it is the title repeated. Underlining it helps clarification.
Sight Devices: I love the images you paint in this poem.
Sound Devices: The rhythm is good.
Sense Devices: There are no odd word choices and the sentence structure is good.
Closure: The closure is not overwritten, and a good ending.
Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right.
General Observations: There are no wasted words. Overall, I enjoyed it. I'm rating it a 5.0 assuming there are only four lines, and Heaven's Tears is the title being repeated. If it is the first line of the poem, the finish isn't as strong.
First, welcome aboard. I hope you enjoy it here as much as I do.
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Where poem was read: Static Poetry Page
Opening: I thought the opening line was good. I didn't understand the title until I read the poem a couple times. Could just be having a senior moment.
Sight Devices: Also, I thought the metaphor was very good.
Sound Devices: I did have a problem with the rhythm. A few things stopped the flow.
Sense Devices: The voice was very good. The sentence structuring and line breaks seemed to hurt the poem.
Closure: Like the opening, I think you have a strong ending.
Placement On Page: I'm one for stripping away anything not needed. I suggest stripping any punctuation and words not needed. Ex. "just us there is night, also come the light." "Just as" should eliminate "also." Just as there is night, comes light.
General Observations: I think if you tighten your poem(s) and be sure the mechanics are correct (I need to do spell checks for typos') your ratings will be up. I'll be looking for more of your work. So keep writing.
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Where poem was read: The Review Request page.
Opening: The title is appropriate. The first couplet establishes the tone.
Sight Devices: There are enough image details.
Sound Devices: The rhythm is good. Normally, I don't like repeating the title, but I thought it worked well with this poem.
Sense Devices: The diction is consistent.
Closure: The last couplet seems right for closing the poem. It's not artificial or overwritten.
Placement On Page: The line breaks are good. The only thing I'm debating is "oh yes your smile" in the third line. It adds to the emotion, but seems to break the flow doing it.
General Observations: I thought your poem was well written, and did not find any wasted words. Keep writing.
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
Where poem was read: Your portfolio.
Opening: I like the title. It works well with the opening stanza. The first few lines should set the tone. The first line "The pines, they sadly sway the same," may have a stronger beginning if you omit , they.
Sight Devices: I love the images used with the trees. And I didn't see any weak images.
Sound Devices: The rhythm is good.
Sense Devices: The tone is very good.
Closure: The last lines (stanza) is right for ending the poem. It was not overwritten or artificial.
Placement On Page: The line breaks are good. And I was happy to see you didn't use caps on every line. I think if you use a couple semi-colons (Ex.last line after trail) it would help not having so many commas. I always try to strip away everything not needed, punctuation, words, etc. Words not needed are they(first stanza) and it(fourth stanza)
General Observations: Sometimes I read a poem I wish I would have written. I gave you 4.5 but it could easily be a 5 with an edit. Keep writing.
I enjoyed your senryu. Those are the best kind of gifts.
Since I don't like the term "modern" I just call it "English" senryu. There seems to be many ways to write haiku and senryu outside of the Japanese language. So I consider anything "under" 17 syllables, three lines and written in phrases the main structure.
I've written enough of them to know they aren't as easy to write as they look. I think this one's a keeper.
Where the poem was read: I read your poem in your portfolio.
First Impression/Title: My first thought was an online relationship. The title is appropriate with the poem.
Form/Flow I liked the form with no rhyming, and had no problems with the flow.
Suggestions: None
Mechanics (Punctuation, spelling, etc.): I found six changes I would make. One Cap (Our)and five in punctuation.
Overall Impression: I enjoyed your poem. I realize everyone isn't as strict with punctuation in poetry as I am. But I find it could change many other things, like word choice. Overall, I thought it was a good job.
Where the poem was read: I read your poem on the static poetry page.
First Impression/Title: My first impression was you were angry at someone. The title is appropriate for the poem.
Form/Flow I had no problem with the flow. I liked the strong finish. Not what I expected.
Suggestions: Drop the exclamation at the end.
Mechanics (Punctuation, spelling, etc.): Always use the spell checker. When I don't is when I get caught. Many think if you don't use it, you're not serious about feedback.
Overall Impression
I loved it. I liked the metaphor with the moth. I thought the title worked good with the ending.
Mechanics
I was debating with myself if it should have been broken up into two sentences. This would change the punctuation. It's effective with the short lines.
Suggestions
I really don't have any other suggestions. The content is good. I think it's a keeper.
I really enjoyed reading your poem. I read it several times and out loud. I'll need to tell you what I thought was right with it, because I didn't find much wrong. The title was appropriate with the subject, tone and genre. When I first read the title I thought "bye" should have been capitalized. However, reading it with your poem (and not underlined) I like it as it is. For me the circumstances and who is talking came through very well. The shape and structure are satisfying. The tone (attitude) is appropiate to both content and audience. I liked the fact that words are not wasted. What is repeated sets the mood:
Good bye
So long
Good day
These lines I thought also "glued" everything together.
The rhyme is pleasurable and supportive. The flow is good. And no punctuation works well with it. What I find wrong is I didn't write it.
I enjoyed your poem. The title is appropriate and aroused my interest. I like the rhyme structure. The flow is good until the third stanza. I read it out loud several times but stopped on the second line of the third stanza. "Ever" requires making a change to keep the flow. Maybe add "most perfect" and leave out but I was. This also helps not using too many I's. Third line - a comma after You requires another one after alone. My suggestion is to leave out "You, and." The only other thing I had a problem with is grace and phase. With the rest of the poem it breaks up the flow. Maybe place instead of phase? These are only my opinions, but try them and see what happens - reading it out loud.
To me the only true haiku is written this way. I found >65 ways to write it when you get out of the Japanese language. Having said that, to me it is a way of thinking. So I consider anything under 17 syllables in three lines, written in phrases, either haiku or senryu. English, not Japanese Haiku. Because of your low rating (?) and reason for writing it, I decided to give you a 5.0. Keep writing them in Japanese and translating....... Quihadi
I keep a checklist when reviewing. Helps me when I have a senior moment. You mentioned one thing I wish I would have done at least once since starting with WDC. It's been added it to my checklist to use when I feel it is necessary. Sending an e-mail before the rating on something with a (very) low rating. It not only helps the author, but creates a better climate for a workshop. I give you a 5.0.
First, I found your poem to be original, honest and expressive.Although the title is appropriate to the subject, what drew me to read it was "the ultimate sacrifice." I thought the tone was both sensitive and appropriate. You gave an interesting and fresh approach to an ageless subject. A few things seemed to slow down the flow. I would capitalize "in" on the third line and put a comma after "days." The second stanza, I would make it two sentences and drop both "ands." Repeating "realized" makes it redundant. Maybe changing the second one to knew? For me anyway, this helps move the poem along. I think you have a keeper.
Dexter,
Usually with posts I am drawn by the title. Your title is appropriate and hints to what the poem is about. I had no problem with who is talking or the basic situation (subject). The structure of the poem supports it's content. I thought your attitude toward the subject (tone) is very good. The metaphor is fresh and convincing. I would punctuate the dialog completely or drop the capital letters. I think you were under rated on this one. It's a keeper.
I was drawn to your poem because of the title. It generated interest and hinted as to what the poem was about. The circumstances and who is talking (subject) come through very well. The structure supports the content. I like the fact their are no punctuation marks or forced rhymes. The tone (attitude) is appropiate to the subject. It flows well when read aloud. The only thing I would change is setting to sitting in the first line. Setting implies an act. Sitting implies rest. Keep writing - now I'm going to make some coffee and sit on the front porch.
Quihadi
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