Hi carlton607  ,
My name is Rhonda and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Invalid Item"  . This review will provide you with my personal thoughts on "Annie" which was being used in the PDG reviewing workshop. Thank-you so much for sharing your work with me today and allowing us to become better reviewers utilizing this piece.
Overall Impression: Annie is a young lady with a past that she is terrified will catch up with her. There are many a great stories about individuals with a past that haunts their present and threatens their future. I believe that your story could be one of those great stories with some work to flesh out the story you have. You did a wonderful job in coming up with a premise for your story that is so universal that your story could be any length you chose from a poem or short story, to a novella or even a full length novel. it could be a psychological thriller, a horror story, a detective, a drama, a comedy honestly you are only limited by your imagination.
Characters: You have created a type of character that you could do so much with should you choose to delve deeper into your character, understanding what it is that truly drives her, haunts her and of course identifying both her strengths and weaknesses. Currently your main character Annie is pretty one dimensional. We as readers do not have enough information to create a vivid picture of Annie. As writers we need to hook our readers by giving them characters that they love or love to hate. We don't know any of the character traits that make Annie unique. All we know about Annie is that she has a fear of storms and her past, she loves her dog, buster and that she likes to knit socks. Annie currently comes across as weak and lost.
Character Suggestions When I get started on a story I always begin by coming up with a character I love, I note everything about them by doing an interview. Even though most of this information won't make it into the actual story it helps to build strong multidimensional characters and I know them so well that I know how they would act in any given situation. With Annie, you need to know her secret, what it is in her past she is so afraid of. As a main character who carries the weight of the story like Annie needs to be a strong character, one that readers will embrace and care deeply about.
Dialogue: There is no dialogue in this story.
Dialogue Suggestions: Adding dialogue is a great way for readers to get to know our characters and it helps to create multidimensional characters. Dialogue helps to advance the story and to communicate with the reader helping them to become invested in the characters. It also helps to enhance the visual picture readers have created. You don't have to use a lot of dialogue but it truly does help.
Setting: The story takes place inside Annie's bedroom where she is hiding due to a thunderstorm which has scared her. There is no mention of anything in the bedroom other than the window and blankets. You have used description through out the story but not when it comes to Annie's bedroom/safe haven.
Setting Suggestions: Annie clearly felt safe in her bedroom. Out of the five senses you only told your readers what she could hear. Describing what her room looks like, what the blankets feel like, is there a taste or smell that comes with the thunderstorm. It is important to include descriptions and utilize the five senses in helping our writing to hook readers in.
Plot: The twist at the end of the story (No worries no spoilers here) I was totally surprised by, well done. However, the plot for this story is rather weak. There is a thunderstorm, Annie is scared of the storm, she appears to be reliving/fearing her past will come into her future, she loves her dog and then the surprise ending.
Plot Suggestions: it is important for each story to have a strong start, a middle where everything builds to the climax and then wrapping up to provide a satisfying end for your readers. Your story needs currently lacks a clearly defined plot. The premise of your story of a young single woman with a past she fears has great potential and designing your beginning, rising action, climax, falling action and ending around this will help to add the needed structure.
Currently we learn random facts about your character through out the story where they add confusion to the paragraphs. Each paragraph like a story should have a coherent beginning, middle and end and it can be very difficult on a readers understanding when seemingly random facts are tossed in. Try creating a paragraph just about Annie. What she looks like, what her room looks like, her liking knitting and loving her dog etc. Having this information all in one paragraph would be a great introduction to her character. Grouping like thoughts and facts together provides necessary flow to your story. Try reading your story out loud, it helps to identify areas that are written awkwardly and to ensure flow.
Grammar/Punctuation: Is not a strength of mine. I will point out the ones that I catch but it won't be a definitive list. In fact because this is an area of weakness I always use my own editing as the place to start. Once the somewhat obvious errors are cleaned up then it is ready to have a friend or family member or even a fellow WDC member to review for me. It can take many drafts of a single story for writers of all levels, we all have areas of weakness in our stories that need to be tightened up so your not alone. You might want to consider taking some of the workshops at "New Horizon's Academy" [E], there are many workshops on WDC as well all you need to do is a search and many pages worth of options will come up. Also in my search this document on the structure of the paragraph might also be helpful "How To Write A Good Paragraph" [E]. This is one of the things I love most about WDC is the sense of community and the amount of help available to anyone who wants to learn to be a better writer.
Over use of similes. A simile is a direct comparison between two things beginning with like, as or that. While using similes sparingly is a wonderful way to engage a reader and help them to create a vivid mental picture of what your describing using too many can take away from the story.
Paragraph two: the word waste is a homophone meaning that there is another word pronounced the same but spelled differently with a different meaning. In this instance waste should be waist. Another homophone is the word sole in this case you want the word soul.
Paragraph three: soleful should be soulful .
Paragraph eight peace should be piece, piecefull should be peaceful.
Paragraph thirteen: passed should be past
Favourite Part: I loved the surprise ending! It left me with many questions, it feels like the middle of a story as opposed to the end. I want to know more  I also loved Annie's fierce loyalty and love for Buster. He seems to have been with her for a long time and has been her safety, confidant and much needed friend. The love between animal lovers and their pets is a great addition to many stories and I think he fit nicely into this story.
Reminder: If at anytime you would like me to provide a second review, after changes have been made, I would be pleased to do so. For me, the purpose of a review is to assist a writer in becoming a stronger writer by including both strengths and weaknesses.
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