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Hi Fahad! After reading I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please use. Anything you feel distracts from your work please disregard. You are after all the author.
DISCLAIMER:I am not a professional critic or editor so please accept my views as an opinion. I wish only to offer encouragement and share some of the skills WDC has taught me.
 Storyline I find your storyline to be one with much potential. It is an interesting one that can have many turns and twists. Good job.
 First Impression:Your story needs much rewriting to become a clear picture of the story you are trying to tell. While I feel it is a good story it is very confusing to read as is.
 Suggestions:NOTE:In most cases I have put your writing in one color and my suggestions in another. Hope this is not confusing to you. If so, just email me with any questions.
 It was 1 AM. Residents of Ahmednagar would go to their beds at 10 p.m., and by 11 p.m., owls would be hooting in the city. Such was the stillness about that place.
To connect the city with the highway, a road had been constructed through the jungle surrounding the city. Sifted moonlight through the trees was falling on the road, making the mysterious environment a bit hypnotizing. Approximately a mile away from the road, deep in the woods, there was a small cottage built inside a clump of trees. It was hard for anyone moving through the jungle to spot it.
My Suggestion: Time now is one in the morning. Residents of Ahmedanagar would be in their beds by ten each night. By 11:00 p.m., owls would be hooting in the city. Such was the stillness of that place.
To connect the city with the highway, a road had been constructed through the jungle surrounding the city. Moonlight sifted through the trees falling on the road creating a hypnotizing effect which only added to the mysterious environment.
Deep inside the bowels of the woods was a small cottage surrounded by a clump of trees. Only a mile from the road, it was still undetectable by anyone moving through the jungle.
Sitting in the cottage, he was busy typing something fast on his laptop.
Sitting in the cottage, his fingers flew as he typed on his laptop.
He gawked at the door with a dreaded expression on his face, as if it was death knocking, and quickly looked back at the laptop's screen.
He gawked at the door with an expression of dread on his face, as if it were death knocking. He took a quick glance back at the laptop screen.
Somebody Someone knocked again. His sense of anticipation and desperation had reached their limits. Less than a minute was remaining for the file to be completely sent. It seemed as if the life of that man his life was dependent on the transfer of that file. If anything happenswere to happen before the transfer was complete, he could not think of anything further as his mind would start to go numb.[This paragraph is confusing to me and I really am unsure as to what you mean by his mind going numb.]
The door wasn’t knocked this time; instead it wasThe door was hit with such force that it went free}was severed from the hinges and came down on the floor with a loud thud. Apparently Stunned, he stared at the figure standing in the doorway.
The stranger was a tall and well-built man. He wore a black overcoat, hat covering his head and his face hidden behind a mask. He stepped in gracefully and stood over the lying door. In his right hand he held a 9 mm pistol. He calmly looked in the room with analyzing eyes that got fixed on the man sitting in front of the laptop.
Tall and well-built, the stranger stepped gracefully inside and stood over the door. A aura of mystery surrounded him as his long black overcoat seemed to be a part of him. His face was hidden behind a mask that was as black as the hat he wore atop his head. In his right hand was a 9mm pistol. Analyzing the room, his eyes fixed on the man sitting in front of the laptop.
The stranger had not yet completed his sentence when, suddenly, Ghauri's hand moved and he fired 2 shots quickly.
Mid-sentence, Ghauri's hand moved firing two shots immediately.
But it was at this moment that the stranger realized that Ghauri had done what he had wanted to. Ghauri’s shots were not aimed at him, instead he had fired at the laptop. The stranger leapt towards the laptop which had been transformed into a piece of junk.
Ghauri's shots had not been aimed at the stranger, yet, had hit their mark accomplishing his ultimate goal. They had hit and demolished the laptop. The stranger leapt towards the computer too late. It had been transformed into nothing more than junk.
His eyes, that looked too tired to keep focus, widened with the sudden shock they had received.
The masked stranger was now driving his black Mercedes S500, which was earlier hidden in the woods, not too far away from the cottage.
The masked stranger was now driving his black Mercedes S500 which had been hidden in the woods not far from the cottage.
 Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
But somebody has said very rightly. Misfortune can happen anywhere, anytime.This is a sentence fragment. Rewrite thus: Somebody has said very rightly, misfortune can happen anywhere, anytime.
Ghauri looked straight into the eyes of the stranger while trying to smile. He finally spoke, "Whoever you are, you are very late and you will have to leave unsuccessful" You need a period after unsuccessful.
His face tightened as anger surged.but the very next moment he turned towards Ghauri in his calm and casual way and said, Delete the word but and begin your sentence with The...
And you on the other hand haven't You, on the other hand, haven't
 Overall impression and rating:I rate your story as it is written as a 3.0. It needs much rewriting, yet has much potential. Part of the problem is it being written in English by one whose first language is not English. There is nothing wrong with that, but if the story is to be published and read by US readers it needs some polishing up.
I don't want this to sound disheartening since I think your story is a good one. I only reviewed Chapter 1 and will review Chapter 2 later, due to time restraints.
You need to go back and see if there is any way to eliminate the words but, that, and, to be replaced by stronger words or not at all in some cases. Check all your words ending in ly to see if they might be replaced with stronger descriptive words also.
One last thing is in some places you need to double space to seperate paragraphs.
I hope this has been helpful and after revisions are done, I'll rerate your story upping the rating on it if you'd like.
 Sandy/WhisperingHope
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| (4.0)
| (4.5)
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I rated this story 4.5. It had some minor errors. It was a riveting read for me. I devour anything written about or for The First People. I look forward to looking into your portfolio to see what other jewels may be there. Thank you for sharing your work and talent.
I would like to suggest you either go back and change the heading as to this being non-fiction rather than a fictional short story if it is left written as is. It is a very good memorial to your grandfather, yet lacks something as a short story.
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