Hello newlywed12514 and welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your item, " Unknown," and thought I would leave some comments.
I see you are still working on this so I shall not say too much. However, I did not understand the beggining. You have a list of songs and then start a paragraph.
Suggestions: I would set the item to private while you are working on it. When you are ready for reviews you can then change it.
Hello Mac and welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I have just read your item, "Seaside," and thought I would leave some comments.
A sad but lovely account of a memorial service. I could almost here the singing.
Suggestions: I am not sure I like all the clanking going on. Heels clip rather clank. Also the sound of a church bell is a ring not a clank. I think I would associate clanking with pots and pans.
I wonder if perhaps you could elaborate on the story a little? It is a seaside setting an yet no mention of the surroundings and who is Emily?
Hello JTown and a belated welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I have just read your story, "The Darkness," and thought I would leave some comments.
I must say you had me completely engrossed in this, from start to finish. I am not usually attracted to horror but something told me to read this, I am glad I did.
I loved the way you began the story, that alone made me want to carry on. I also like the fact you ended with the same paragraph, it left a great feeling of mystery.
Hello Bunny and welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem, "She Who Is Lost," and thought I would leave some comments.
An expression of feelings when someone we were close to or loved has left this world.
I think writing these things down in poetry or even in a diary can help with the grief.
These lines leave a lovely image: "A ray of light falls on her grave.
A lone flower is blooming. Her
last gift to me. "
Suggestions: For me, when I read a poem I pause after each line, so the starting of a new sentence in one line or ending a sentence half way through the next line never seems to read correctly.
For example this verse: "Fate, why are you so cruel?
To take away the one who I
loved the most. Separating us
on the two planes of existence."
The lines do not flow: I think for poetry to flow the sentence should either take up two whole lines or just one.
Hello mfsalminen and welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your monologue, "Rat In My Brain," and thought I would leave some comments.
I found this very interesting and of course you are right, no one can understand unless they have been or are a sufferer themselves. I think this true of many mental health issues.
Hello double team and welcome to WDC. I see you will be writing with your sister who is also fifteen. That makes you twins
You have not written anything yet and I would suggest you set this to private till you are ready to post. That way you will not recieve reviews before you are ready for them.
Hello jimminy, how are you? I have just read your poem, "Last Grasp," and thought I would leave some comments.
I like short poems. I think a lot can be said in just a few words and yours certainly says a lot. I understand the selfishness, but also understand that no one else but Mother Earth could be told.
Hello WriteToExpress and welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I have just read your poem. "Memory Memorial," and thought I would leave some comments.
What a sad little poem, short, but says so much. I think we often leave our memories tucked safely away.
My favourite line: "For I deserve not to hold such tender hands again
Until my feet feel the chill of solid ground. " I would have written till rather than until, but that that is just my preference.
Hello cookiebaby and welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I have just read your short story, "my siamese cat cookie," and thought I would leave some comments.
What a great name for a cat. I have a cat myself, although she is not siamese, but just as mischievous.
Nice little story about your cat. However, it does need a lot of editing. Capital letters at the start of a sentence and some need breaking up with a comma so they make sense.
For example this sentence: "It was as if she didn't want to be alone she started to become very obsessive of me I couldn't leave and if I did I could her screaming as I would walk down the hallway of my apartment building." would read better something like this: " It was as though she did not want to be alone. She became very obsessive and I could not leave, if I did, I would hear her screaming as I walked out of the building."
Hello abahar, how are you? I have just read your poem, "The Powerless Will Rise," and thought I would leave some comments.
I believe we all have power, it is we do not realise. I understand what you are saying thought.
I am not sure of your meaning with the use of the word inflection.The word has four meanings and I am not sure how you meant it. Perhaps I am missing something.
1. a change in the form of a word to indicate a change in its grammatical function.
2. the patterns of stress and intonation in a language.
3. deviation from a straight or normal course.
4. a manner of speaking in which the loudness or pitch or tone of the voice is modified.
Hello Ruchu and welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I have just read your poem, "Accident Of A Hostel Freind," and thought I would leave some comments.
Sometimes things happen that we do not see as a blessing at first till something else happens and then we realise. It looks like this is what you are trying to explain to your friend in your poem?
Suggestions: I would take out the text slang, such as u, b, and wid and replace with proper words, you will find the poem will read much better.
Hello Aleesha and welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I have just read your poem,"Listen To The Beat," and thought I would leave some comments.
It is nice to have Artists that inspire us, although the singers you refer to in your poem I am not really a fan of. But we all have our own tastes, it would not do for us all to like the same things.
I like they way you have used their names and songs to fit the poem.
Suggestions: This line, "Katy pery ," should be , "Katy Perry," and this line, "Eminems back," should be,"Eminem's back."
Hello Abby and welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I have just read your story, "The Bride," and thought I would leave some comments.
First of all I notice it is 55 words. There is a 55 word story contest, I cannot remember the ID number but I am sure you will find it on the contest page.
A bit of a twist to this wedding and I wonder why the Groom shot his wife to be.
In this line: "All was silent and the smiling bride looked at her new husband...." he would not have been her new husband as the preacher had only just asked if anyone objected.
Perhaps you could change it to something like: "All was silent , the smiling bride looked at her husband. to be..."
Hello bob123412 and welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I have just read your piece, "Important," and thought I would leave some comments.
This sound like the beginning of an interesting story. I think Asylums always make a good read.
However, it needs a lot of editing.
For example this part: "The hospital yard stood a small lodge surrounded by a perfect forest of nettles. Its roof was rusty and the chimney left many to feel like the hospital would tumble down without warning just like an avalanche. The steps at the front-door were rotting away and were overgrown with grass and traces of stucco. The hospital was enclosed by a grey fence with nails on it. These nails had a peculiar, desolated look to it which was only found in prisons."
You may have meant, "In the Hospital yard stood a small lodge."
Also," Its roof," should read, "It's roof."
This sentence; " Its roof was rusty and the chimney left many to feel like the hospital would tumble down without warning just like an avalanche," is too long and would be better as a description of the chimney rather than how it made people feel.
For example: " A rusty roof and a chimney that looked like it would collapse at any moment."
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