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276
276
Review of Impulse of Life  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:


A dog and a cat show up at your doorstep one morning.


What I liked most about this piece was the fantasy element -- straight out of Lewis Carol. LOL



Further Corrections & comments:

I enjoyed the fact that they weren't generic animals, but specifically named as Maine Coon Cat and Bedlington Terrior. You lost me on the soft swell of cottony bloat. I could see material flowing in the breeze, but it didn't form itself into a dog bowing.

But, the rest of this intriguing piece was fascinating. "Midwest ennui" was especially grabbing. I shall ponder it as a curious description of a section of geography.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
277
277
Review of Old Gabrielle  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

In every town there seems to be a reclusive, old lady. Although others talk about her, no one really knows anything
about her. Tell us about her. Why has she chosen to live away from society?



What I liked most about this piece was the setting. Nice job of informing us about the lady's background. However, the "born foreign" didn't work for me.



Further Corrections & comments:

Great descriptions. I loved the tall hedges because that allowed me to see her yard's privacy.

Good to hear her breakfast, too. Great details.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
278
278
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

In every town there seems to be a reclusive, old lady. Although others talk about her, no one really knows anything
about her. Tell us about her. Why has she chosen to live away from society?



What I liked most about this piece was the mystery you left us with -- how has the woman remained ageless?



Further Corrections & comments:

Numerous errors that would be caught by a reread. Some do interfere with the ability to read this piece.

Good setup for the situation. I wanted to know why the girl doesn't want the newbie in her group. I want to know more about the group.

More description about the house would be nice, too.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
279
279
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

In every town there seems to be a reclusive, old lady. Although others talk about her, no one really knows anything
about her. Tell us about her. Why has she chosen to live away from society?



What I liked most about this piece was that it all made perfect sense. I liked the setting, the reason behind the woman's being such a hermit.



Further Corrections & comments:

Please provide spaces for the ease of your readers, each new paragraph needs that space.

It seemed a little far-fetched that the child would enter the house of a stranger, but . . .

The first few paragraphs aren't necessary. Have the girl starting out on her bike. She can be thinking about the book she's about to spend her allowance on.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
280
280
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!







Your New Prompt is:

Imagine a priest or other religious leader (one who is dedicated to being celebate)

who is a true romantic. He wishes he had someone to give a Valentine to,

so he buys one, then gives it to . . .


What I liked most about this piece was the solution to that problem. It was lovely that he gave them to the Mother Superior! LOL



Further Corrections & comments:

I liked how you wove this into a tale of woe. Good job.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
281
281
Review of To the One  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!







Your New Prompt is:

Imagine a priest or other religious leader (one who is dedicated to being celebate)

who is a true romantic. He wishes he had someone to give a Valentine to,

so he buys one, then gives it to . . .


I really don't see how this fits the prompt. You didn't refer to the priest (or other religious figure,) and there was no mention of a Valentine.



Further Corrections & comments:

I hint that will make your writing better is to always go back and reread after you post. That way you'll pick up on the errors that come from foreign symbols.



Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you follow the prompt better next time.!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
282
282
Review of Black and White  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

Your significant other breaks up with you on the day before Valentine's Day. Why, and what happens next?



What I liked most about this piece was the dazed man. You did a good job of viewing his mind.



Further Corrections & comments:


A little recall about the relationship would have been nice to bring us closer to what the character was going through. What did his ladylove look like? Who was she? Why did she choose to let him go in that rude manner? Did she have cause?

So many unknowns. It's difficult to latch onto the character as being REAL if we don't have a character we can get attached to.

But your ending was good.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
283
283
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

Your significant other breaks up with you on the day before Valentine's Day. Why, and what happens next?



What I liked most about this piece were the steady stream of images and the general mood conveyed so well with exquisite language.



Further Corrections & comments:

I stumbled over urchin, seeing at first a sea urchin, then realized it could be more a reckless child, an imp . . .

Neigh, no more --- Nay?

I really enjoyed: loneliness with its pungency of month-old milk,

But my favorite part was the "metamorphosis that led to callousness and solitaire" (solitude?) Solitaire, I believe, is the game.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
284
284
Review of A Day for Love  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

Your significant other breaks up with you on the day before Valentine's Day. Why, and what happens next?



What I liked most about this piece was that it took place on a ship. That was the most interesting part -- the lifts, the accomodations.



Further Corrections & comments:

This piece really didn't have an ending. It felt unfinished. Why if Hakkin was involved with Lavvona did he pretend not to be?

Sometimes you put periods in strange places -- like the last two "sentences." Neither can stand on its own. Why not connect them for a complete sentence?

It is dangerous making a person the main character when you give us nothing to like about him. That's probably the reason why this feels so thrown together. What is Hakkin's purpose? We need to understand that, as well as find out some background about him -- especially something that provides worth for his character.



Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
285
285
Review of My New Pet  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

Your new pet seems to be telekinetic -- which means that things MOVE (via mental thought) whenever he or she is present.


What happens when you finally accept this phenomenon as something more than a figment of your imagination?




What I liked most about this piece was the ending. You took us from the main character's dismay to pleased pet owner. This is an adorable poem. I very much enjoyed it.



Further Corrections & comments:

The last stanza doesn't flow with smoothness. Could "tele" be used to make it less choppy? Just a thought. Otherwise it's really cute.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
286
286
Review of Phenomenon Enough  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

Your new pet seems to be telekinetic -- which means that things MOVE (via mental thought) whenever he or she is present.


What happens when you finally accept this phenomenon as something more than a figment of your imagination?




What I liked most about this piece was the use of a cat. I'm partial to cats anyway and think they really do have special qualities of which mankind is not yet aware. LOL



Further Corrections & comments:

In the last stanza, I would have kept the John Travolta sentence in past tense. Then changed into present tense in the net -- but then that's only my opinion.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
287
287
Review of Control Rings  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

Your new pet seems to be telekinetic -- which means that things MOVE (via mental thought) whenever he or she is present.


What happens when you finally accept this phenomenon as something more than a figment of your imagination?




What I liked most about this piece was that as usual you really, really used your creativity, making the pet a human. LOL



Further Corrections & comments:

I wasn't sure that I understood the ending. A human couldn't change the image of the people, at least that is not telepathy.

However, despite quite a few errors, this is your best yet! Yeah!



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!

I give you 4.5 for creativity, but this still has a lot of work needed.




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
288
288
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

This year, the Groundhog predicted an early spring. Which sounds hopeful, except I found out that the oversized rodent has a 36% accuracy record - significantly less than random chance. Write a story or poem about a better way to forecast the onset of spring.



What I liked most about this piece was that you didn't spend time TELLING. You presented a problem, then solved it. That was the good part.



Further Corrections & comments:

Most of these I've told you repeatedly on past entries:

Tense consistency: He doubled over he’s (was) laughing


Spell check to pick up many of the errors that interfere with the reader's enjoyment and comprehension: example --“You are a lot pretty (prettier) than her. I think the spell check would pick up that one. "Now please be quit." Maybe not this one. (quiet)

Correct contractions:

For instance: your babbling (you're)

Clip the dialogue. It's too wordy: Francin couldn’t stop his uncontrollable outrageous laughter. He doubled over he’s laughing so hard. “It’s not that funny.”

“I know it’s not Narria. You know me. Once I get started laughing I can’t stop.” Francin didn’t stop laughing. In between words he kept laughing.

Better would be something like this:

Francine couldn't stop laughing.

"It's not that funny," Narria protested.

"I know; I know," Francin admitted, shaking his head from side to side while his belly rolled, his chin bobbed, and/or his adam's apple jerked up and down.







But you're persistent, which is super!

I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
289
289
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

Write about a boutique where items seem priced for the super rich and include the following information:

Even if you could afford one, you’d never buy a single one because you know a secret about where the owner finds all these elegant knickknacks . . .

Mrs. Kettlebeck digs them out of garbage cans

or drags them out from beneath piles of rubbish

as she prowls about the city dump!


Poem or story.



What I liked most about this piece was the ending. What a good piece of knowledge to have learned. However, I don't think there's anything illegal about selling expensive stuff found in a garbage dump. Remember the old latin expression that translates: "Buyers beware?"



Further Corrections & comments:

There are quite a few mistakes in this piece that interfere with a smooth read. I think most of them would be picked up by a spell check. I would recommend that you use one before posting. That would improve your piece's readability (and better your chances for a win.)

One other item that I noticed was pronoun shift. Each pronoun must lean on the noun that comes before it. Example: “Splendid! He likes nature too.” (Who likes nature? Nick?) He (Who? Ron? But no antecedent.) scanned the paintings until he came to a crudely drawn oak tree.



Nice tale of trickery. Good job with the prompt. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
290
290
Review of The escape  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

All this snow along the northeast coast has made a lot of people stay home for a few days.

Write a story or poem about cabin fever.



What I liked most about this piece was the way you implied that the snow had not just imprisoned your main character but, perhaps, the whole world. Nice.



Further Corrections & comments:

Why did it take him 21 days to try to make an escape?

A little background would have been nice. Why was he trapped there alone? What had caused the storm -- climate change, meteorite, volcanic eruption, alien bombardment, etc.

But I did like your character and the way he broke into that fractured smile.

P.S. I followed the link to your portfolio so I could give your piece a review, but you still haven't set up your posting correctly.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
291
291
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

All this snow along the northeast coast has made a lot of people stay home for a few days. Write a story or poem about cabin fever.



Excellent job, as always. What I liked most about this piece was the way you convey the panic of this snowed in captive.



Further Corrections & comments:

I loved the idea of the photon. What a remarkable image. I don't know how you come up with such relationships. It's incredible.

The one thing that bothered me was:

I have no mouth and I must scream.

Okay, maybe I'm too literal here, but I didn't understand why he had no mouth. Is that back to the photon? If at that point you are returned to the concept of the man trapped inside, why is it that he cannot scream? I could understand how no one might hear him.

Of course, it does make for a dramatic ending. It really punches.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
292
292
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

At the local recreation department, they’re offering a class in DRUMMING.

I’ve heard that this musical activity is relaxing and good for the heart, but I can’t imagine hitting a drum for more than five minutes.

Wouldn’t your wrists fatigue?

Wouldn’t your head start to pound from the tap-tapping of your fingers and the communal pounding of so many drums?

Plant your character into a drumming class, and SHOW us what it’s like.

Write a story or poem about the experience.



What I liked most about this piece was the use of the drumming as a therapy. That was an interesting concept. As always, you are very creative.



Further Corrections & comments:

Check this with Word Check. You have numerous errors of wrong words and verb agreements.


Are you indicating that Yonnon is talking to himself (with the quotes) out loud? Give us a clue about that. Have him mumble. Have him whisper to himself. Have him shout it out, so that someone in passing gives him a second look and shakes her head.

You cannot SHOW us something without your narrator -- main character -- being present.

AND you've already brought Yonnon into the room in the paragraph before that, so that we, the readers, are confused.

Take the time to PAINT your characters. We can't SEE Doria or Yonnon. What are they wearing? How do they wear their hair (or lack thereof?)

Example: Yonnon stood up, patted the crest of feathers that hung down the right side of his shoulders, then stretched out his long, green four-fingered hand.

Yonnon likes to grumble, but who is he? SHOW us.

Looking at the other Korians on those very busy streets made Yonnon shake his head. “How can they live and work with all that drumming going on," he mumbled to himself.

Yonnon took a moment to recall the calm of his silky nest. He wished he were there, wished he could stretch out and listen to bird screeches while relaxing under the gentle swaying of the Korian wind gusts, etc. (Okay, probably not bird screeches or gentle gusts of wind. I'm having fun here.)

I hope that helps. You really do have a wonderful imagination!





I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
293
293
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

It's currently snowing in my area, and places not too far away are supposed to get it even worse. Write a story or poem about digging out from a massive snowfall.



What I liked most about this piece was the fact that no one got hurt in the story, and that it had a happy ending.



Further Corrections & comments:

It was so nice to read about a NICE officer of the law. Good for you.

Although this seems completely insane to me, I'm glad it all worked out. The board games sounds nice, but I couldn't picture the campfires -- especially in blizzard conditions. (Still, I'm a Southern Californian so what do I know?)



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
294
294
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

It's currently snowing in my area, and places not too far away are supposed to get it even worse. Write a story or poem about digging out from a massive snowfall.



What I liked most about this piece were those wonderful images you gave us. My favorite was the black pole lamp which you told us was a low-light spear . . .



Further Corrections & comments:

The ending was nice, too. I loved the concept of snow being caressed by the wintry winds.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
295
295
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

It's currently snowing in my area, and places not too far away are supposed to get it even worse. Write a story or poem about digging out from a massive snowfall.



What I liked most about this piece were your vivid descriptions. Good job.



Further Corrections & comments:

At the end: dad man should be dead man.

Although I appreciated the way you so valiantly tried to SHOW, a word of caution: you can't SHOW something the character can't see.

Example: His eyes were glossed and wide. He could glance in a mirror and see this. He could feel a bodily reaction somehow -- like he felt how his neck had tightened, and then did something to relax it. Etc.


The cast iron coat hangar put me on pause as I tried to imagine it. How could one carry something in/on a coat hangar? Are coat hangars ever cast iron? I'm still a bit puzzled by that. I guess I needed more description there.

On a personal note; I really hate the idea of this man thinking he should cut his throat. If you're going to die, freezing to death isn't a bad way to go. It would be much better than slicing skin. AND how silly . . . when there's a tiny drop of hope, no matter how fragile or unbelievable . . .

I really liked the opening sentence. That was great!



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
296
296
Review of Naomi  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Writer's Cramp Review




Your prompt was:

A white-coated doe has been hanging around in my neighborhood, mostly in the wooded areas between backyards. Sometimes she even walks in the road, shining in the streetlights at night. Write the story or poem of this oddly-unpigmented deer.







*Smile*  Great job! This is lovely.  *Smile*


What I liked most about this piece were some of your images: the caloric bluster of oratory, the bleed of huff. for example.


Corrections & comments:

I could almost see this person's communion with the deer -- the quiet, the snowy tracks; I could even hear the deer's breath.

I felt cold, though -- the rain, the wind, Naomi's puffs of breath in the frigid air. I'm afraid, as much as I'd like to see her, I'll have to hope I can spy her through a window from inside my nice, warm house.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


For a quick view of my writing, I recommend:
 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


Each is an individual story that I will one day, hopefully, piece together into a novel.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
297
297
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Writer's Cramp Review




Your prompt was:

A white-coated doe has been hanging around in my neighborhood, mostly in the wooded areas between backyards. Sometimes she even walks in the road, shining in the streetlights at night. Write the story or poem of this oddly-unpigmented deer.







*Smile*  Great job! This was one of your better stories. *Smile*


What I liked most about this piece was the reasonableness of the scenario. It all made sense.


Corrections & comments:


Especially when the brother and sister and or pal/friend are chatting, you need to use contractions. Not to do so makes it all seem formal. Kids don't talk formal.


I'd remove -- without any help -- from the hovering monitor. We assume that because it's hovering.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


For a quick view of my writing, I recommend:
 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


Each is an individual story that I will one day, hopefully, piece together into a novel.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
298
298
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

Often, part of the college experience is getting to live in a dormitory

where four people are crowded together inside one small room.

Sometimes these folks share a bathroom.

Sometimes the bathroom is down the hall.

Space is at a minimum.

Noise is a constant conflict.

Sleeping, studying, reading, and PRIVACY

are difficult, if not impossible.


Write a story or poem about living,

for the first time,

in a dormitory.










What I liked most about this piece was that it takes place in a futuristic world -- in space???

I liked also that the room assignment was with mixed genders. That was an interesting concept with which we Earthlings have difficulty. LOL



Further Corrections & comments: It was confusing when you kept switching between tenses. Is this piece meant to be in present tense or past?


arraignment should be arrangement, I think.

This needs more reading through. There were quite a few errors, but I see steady improvement in your writing. Good job.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
299
299
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:

Often, part of the college experience is getting to live in a dormitory

where four people are crowded together inside one small room.

Sometimes these folks share a bathroom.

Sometimes the bathroom is down the hall.

Space is at a minimum.

Noise is a constant conflict.

Sleeping, studying, reading, and PRIVACY

are difficult, if not impossible.


Write a story or poem about living,

for the first time,

in a dormitory.










What I liked most about this piece was that it showed how enforced confinement can lead to problems.



Further Corrections & comments:

I didn't understand your use of the word "unconformable" in the second sentence. Did you mean "uncomfortable?"


For most of this piece you used the third person (he,) but in paragraph one you switched into first person (I). You need to be consistent.

Lastly, Rick's final speech didn't make sense, although it might be more typical of the actions of an impulsive teen, it just doesn't fit with the rest. I'd delete" I'm applying for a different dorm room."



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
300
300
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!





Your Prompt was:


Now Red Barchetta is stuck in my head. Oh well - there are worse earworms to have. Write a story or poem about a song that gets into your head and just... won't... leave...



What I liked most about this piece was the creativity. This is one of your best yet.



Further Corrections & comments:

You need to read it over carefully. There are quite a few mistakes that interfere with the reader's understanding.

Also, you might think about using more contractions, especially in the conversations.

Lastly, simplify, simplify.

For instance in the first two sentences -- combine them.

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD,” shouted Graig. The voice of Graig came from a room in complete darkness.

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD,” shouted Graig, his voice a sudden boom of noise in the dark and formerly silent room.



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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