G'day C.K. 
I'm reviewing "Thier Story"  as a student of "Invalid Item"
Overview:
I liked the tone of your story, and as I read it, I couldn't help but begin to "read" it to myself with a cockney accent! 
When I came to the part where the fellows are standing on the doorstep, and their dialogue, it seemed to reinforce the atmosphere of comedy, the category that you have chosen for this piece.
There is a strong family feel too about the story, and I especially enjoyed where the little boy jokes with his Dad.
"her baby boy Jessie only nine years of age ran around calling,
“Daddy, Daddy, are you home yet?”
“No I'm not home I'm still at work,” her husband answered. She heard them laugh and smiled to herself"
Title & Blurb:
The title, although misspelled lines up with the blurb and the story
Narrative Hook:
I wanted to know more right from the first line, imagining that nose poking through the door, the cuteness and the step by step action forms a poignant moment.
I'm assuming that there will be another chapter. Allowing for this, I found the group that turned up on Nellie's doorstep quite menacing, even though the dialogue, on the surface, was a friendly banter.
Story message:
First you paint a picture of a typical family atmosphere, having dinner (tea in Australia) and hint at a storm, setting up some tension for some future impending event. Then a group of men who Nellie and Elliot seem to know, come uninvited. They are taken in, showered and although the family seem to have already had a meal, they then (very patiently it seems to me!) prepare another meal for this new group. All this happens after "Daddy" comes home from a hard days work. Then they all sit at the table and argue about praying.
The scene relevant to the boy and girl meeting and the "friendship that changed them forever" is still to come, and I would assume is in the next chapter, yet to be written.
Story Strengths:
The good: 
Linking / Flow:
Most of your story guides the reader along, through the scenes and dialogue, with a well defined path in most areas. The edges of each scene blend every well into the next, and you have used dialogue and description well in linking different parts of the story. This in itself encouraged the reader to be absorbed in the events.
Characterisation:
Your characters are believable and the conversations create in the imagination a host of lively pictures. The mother is loving, the child innocent, the father a career man; vague and distracted, and of the five men, four seem to pulse with a bawdy carnival / circus joviality yet this enhances some sort of criminal feeling, or worse. There is a feeling of distaste at the men and no one would want to welcome them in except a guilt ridden, reluctant acquaintance, who I feel is Nellie?
Suggestions:
The not so good: 
Your story would be improved out of sight, I feel, by putting a few spaces in there. It makes a long piece a lot easier to read, and keep track of, particularly surrounding the dialogue. Best to keep each thing someone said together obviously, with who said it, to make it clearer and easier to follow.
Perhaps rework this: 
Point Of View:
As one site states: "Third-person point of view is that of an outsider looking at the action. The writer may choose third-person omniscient, in which the thoughts of every character are open to the reader, or third-person limited, in which the reader enters only one character's mind, either throughout the entire work or in a specific section. Third-person limited differs from first-person because the author's voice, not the character's voice, is what you hear in the descriptive passages"
This is your story, not mine, but my opinion is that Third person Omniscient View that you have used is not popular these days and most readers (and more importantly publishers) would choose stories from a limited Third person View.
These days, the idea of some God-like person overseeing what everyone thinks and does is not popular. Having said that, I think any story, or book, written well enough would still get away with it.
Plot:
Some of the plot is quite confusing. I had to back track a few times, and read the whole story through, three or four times to figure out what you meant to get across. Some of this would be improved, as I said, with spacing.
Something I found distracting was the use of mixed tenses throughout. There are many examples; "she still had to do and looked back down to her work. Her pencil is set as if waiting for the gun to blow and signal the racers to begin. Finally her pencil begins to fly across the paper"
Reworking sentences for clarity.
Also for more improvement, reword sentences to make them clearer. Just a couple of examples: "Nellie and he were as opposite as anything could ever get and there kid was half of each of them" and “Told you so, they’re too snobby to let a bunch of bare footed men into their pretty little house"
“Hey, I’m going to be too snobby in a second if you don’t shut up!” Squeaked Nellie.
Punctuation, Spelling & Grammar:
Punctuation, spelling and grammar are areas that could use some alterations, and I strongly recommend going over your story with a spell checker. The first glaring example of this is the title. Thier Story should read Their Story. That word, along with a bus load of others, always tries to trip me up. The rule I use to remember how to spell it, is, you say THE I or THE EYE, the ownership meaning of this word.
And its worthwhile doing a course with one of the groups on Writing.com for help learning these skills.
The Paper Doll Gang Hannah ♫♥♫ that I am affiliated with has many helpful members, a library of information, forums where you can exchange ideas (and helpful reviews) plus courses that will help you grow as an author. Do yourself a favour and have a go at one of these. They are worth every minute of effort and your stories will improve and become more enjoyable to yourself, and others. If you wish, you can contact them by emailing using the link.
That, I feel, is why we are all on this site, sharing our writing whatever type it is, and whatever experience we have.
Words and the manipulation of them, are a great equaliser. Like Mathematics, they are usually right, or wrong and these skills can be learn't.
However, creativity and the interesting ideas, and direction you have generated in your story, cannot be taught. Congratulations for having that ability. Also your dialogue and the different conversations bring a colourful picture to my imagination.
In closing, I would say to you, your story does have voice, a camp fire / sitting around the log fire appeal, but there are lots of ways you can bring out the best in your work. Good luck. I'd like to see this piece after you've made some changes, and re-rate it. The potential is certainly there. Please keep writing. Chapter 2 is waiting to be written by you, and for us all to read!
 Many thanks for sharing your work and your valuable efforts writing this piece. My comments and suggestions are only intended to help you grow as a writer so please use them as you wish. As I look back over "Thier Story" , I wonder if I come across as a bit too critical, in my efforts to advise? Please accept my apologies if you feel that way about this review. I know how hard it is to write a good story and have made many mistakes myself.
I'm also still learning the technique of reviewing. Please keep that in mind as you think about my comments.
Let's go forward into the future together as a literary team, helping one another.
Sparky
THE PDG Rockin Reviewers Group
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Words have more impact if they drip onto the page... |
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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(putting it into Word to spellcheck etc and out again)
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