Clearly, you are attempting to communicate the loss of a loved one. It took me a bit to realize the loved one is dead. Yes, "marble" was a good clue, but "mock grave" threw me, but now I see what you were intending. My only suggestion is the very first line. I read it three times. Could you possibly take out "all"? Or will that mess up the rhythm?
Lovely! Fragrance is said to be one of our most powerful memory boosters.
Some clarifications you may want to consider: How does one enter a room, bend over and kiss,when paralyzed from the shoulders down? Might want to elaborate more on the renewed ability to function normally earlier. I know, you mention walking eventually, but more up front would be good. Perhaps instead of "entered the room," "I walked into the room, something I once thought I'd never do again."
Actually, at the risk of being overly nosy, what caused the problem to start with? Car accident?
Was the surgery instrumental in changing Jeffrey's school?
Well - that's food for thought! Being trapped is Destiny...perhaps we are all trapped in our own way and we set up our own fences. Hmmm. The fence intriques me. Is it of her own making or someone elses? Makes one wonder - good job!
Hi - cute! I don't know how anyone lives with all that but they do! I sense a transition between the second set of lines and the third. In fact, I went back to make sure the narrator wasn't going from home to work. Is it they just got used to it? I guess a few words, even, "now" would clarify.
I like it! I like how she comes in - good fluidity with the verse, does her thing (lethal dose is terrific) and leaves. Of course, she knows she's left him a mess.
Interesting! I sense we are individuals spinning in space somehow making our to "perfection." "Banished" is a strong word, as though we are somehow thrown into this cosmic parade.
I guess I would like a sense of choice. And I wonder about the perfection. In whose eyes? Our own?
"...calculating the shortest point
between the lines of authority
composed of quirks and quarks," and
"I have a map
but there are no exits
so what's the rush," LOL!
I'm also rather fond of the first paragraph in it's entirety - so true. I liken it to an eggbeater, but your words are much more eloquent! And picking and choosing our realities - we all do it - we don't what to admit we do it, but we do. Excellent!
Interesting - how the "leaders start the fight." Seems the fight has been going on an awfully long time, it just keeps getting perpetuated.
That you wrote this "on the spot" is awesome! There's obviously stuff here no everyone knows - a decade of pain? What happened? They serve God and have never been apart? Apart from what?
I think this could be a great piece and speak for many people - if you could explain what is intimate to being at La Casa!
There must be more to this, right? I feel like I just read part of a chapter. Of course, there are underlying currents here far beyond the garlic, which I assume are described elsewhere.
I like the conceited guy - of course, it would be all about him! I'm curious what set this off. She's pregnant, right?
Your writing is good, but you definitely need more commas. These are a few examples:
No no
“Thank you thank you for everything”
The house lights came up in the Church Hall and audience talking as one headed for the doors.
He didn’t reply maybe he couldn’t speak.
Without commas, I sometimes has to read twice, which is distracting to your story.
This was interesting: "family double bed" I immediately visualized the very poor family when parents and children sleep in the same bed.
A couple of other nits: "care worn" needs a hyphen I don't think "Bank" needs to be capitalized.
Overall, I think you have a good piece inside another story - at least I'm assuming there is another story!
family double bed
care worn f
No no
“Thank you thank you for everything”
The house lights came up in the Church Hall and audience talking as one headed for the doors.
Bank
That was great! You start out with the night rain - so quiet except for the silly frogs. Then trying to sleep - I love it. And then the next morning when you are all messed up. And I visualize a cabin in the mountains as there is obviously no A/C and the windows are open. Wonderful job.
Well, that was certainly suspenseful! You have a great feel for creating tension. I do think you could heighten it even more by eliminating some of the adverbs: cautiously, suddenly, etc.
How old is this girl? By "Mom," and having the wherewithal to call the police, I'm thinking adolescent, but not sure.
The murder happened rather quickly. Maybeyou could draw it out more, make her struggle, have the sounds of sirens coming up the street - that sort of thing. Which would make it even more tense!
Well done! I love people getting together; we are becoming so distant to even our own families. Just a few suggestions:
Give the bride-to-be a name. I had trouble with "rented apartment." This is a nit.
You are inside the old man's head, inside Paul's head, what about Barbara? You tell us something with her dialog. She must have gone through some agony. Did she still love Paul? Was there "the look?"
In short, you have drawn me in. This is an emotional experience for all of them. Let me know them better. Why is the old man so bitter? Why is Paul marrying "the rented apartment?" Build the tension.
This is a terrific story! Sue
This is poetry. "Chemicals, and dust, and assorted detritus made up its body, but it had a will; will enough to keep going forever and into the unknown." I have to think about that. It's very good; don't get me wrong. But I have to stop and think about that.
You appear to me to have an enormous gift for poetry. But when I'm reading a short story, I need to understand fairly quickly and move forward. With too much of this sort of thing, I bog down. I think, "Wow, that is beautiful! What is the author trying to say? Now, where was I?" I REALLY don't want to discourage you because I can't write like this! It's so deep. So moving. I've forgotten the story trying to figure out your meaning.
So please, please don't lose this gift. But maybe use a little less and move the story forward a little more? Meanwhile, I will expect to see you with the Nobel Prize for poetry in the next year. Sue
Wow. That was a wild ride. I'm thinking a dream within a dream? Where you know you are dreaming,then dream you wake up, but you're not quite there yet? Geez, I hope so.
Fore Shadow....and they are pulling up to a trailer like in the dream? Rented from the attendant? So maybe, if I were Kelton, I would have more to say than, "how bout a round of golf?"
"No way" comes to mind. Maybe pulling away to the sound of gunfire? Suggesting using his frequent flyer miles at the Holiday Inn Express? Great story! Sue
Cool! I really enjoyed this. I just took gun training was was fascinated by "the shield." It must deflect not only the bullet, but the impact. You might have him cough or something, just to show he's felt the bullets hit the near vicinity.
Also on a technical point, 3 bullets and he's worried about running out? The smallest Glock I worked with held 10 cartridges. And no smoke. But you could have a different gun, heaven knows.
Otherwise, I loved her "organic" come-on and the anti-poison in the molar - very original! I knew it was the future, but nicely put with the "back in 56." Fun read. Sue
This is an excellent piece. Your pacing and dialog is well-placed and I was glued to see what happened to precipitate the hospital stay in the beginning. I was also intrigued with the father. I have seen this too many times - parents who either want their kid to be like them or to be better than them. They don't appreciate what the kid is, period.
I only have a couple of comments. One is a 10-year old teaching himself the piano. There are those who can hear music and play without reading it. You might want to make Jonathon one such prodigy. Not to say it couldn't be done with books, but oh, the agony.
Also, you have built Jonathon to be a strong boy, a persevering boy, one who can kick his bigger brother where it hurts, one who can sometimes maniuplate his parents, one who can teach himself piano. I don't like him giving up; I don't like him seeing himself as Bumble-boy. Too easy an ending. Let him fight back! Sue
Very, very moving. You bring up all the "stuff" death brings, most of which revolves around "why?"
I like the narrator. She doesn't blame herself for her sister's death and is willing to move on. What a relief.
Your description of the mountain, etc is exceptional; I can see it all. You have one (to me) inconsistency: she is not buried in her favorite place. Makes me wonder why. Make me wonder if there is more to this than meets the eye. Or is there?
This is very well written and you had me wondering what would go wrong the entire reading. The M&M concept is exceptional! And, of course, a child would think of that – good work! And “skip” on the DVD player; how many times have I wished for that. I also enjoyed the description of the detectives not knowing who to ask first.
A couple of continuity issues is all I have. You go from the detective to “That evening…” That threw me. What happened to the detectives? And why were the detectives showing up in the first place; the autopsy had been performed?
This guy is warped, no doubt, but I would like some more warping up front. I would like a hint of poorly aligned character in the beginning. I assumed the little blue pill was an antidepressant until you actually told me it was Viagra.
I was in great sympathy with the father for quite awhile. Sympathy is OK, but suggest you tweak the reader with something that tells us this guy is not quite right. For example, his affairs, his dreams of bikini clad women, a ticket for one slipping out of his coat pocket.
I say all this as wanting to leave your wife and move to the Carribbean just doesn’t seem like enough motive to kill your wife and especially your children. Gotta have a loose nut in there somewhere.
Lastly, Viagra kills? I know there are some issues with it, but I never thought it could kill a woman and children. Maybe so!
Anyway, very imaginative and well written short story.
Well, your reduced thumping is quite effective. Your pacing is good; I was anxious to see if he would get out of the pit. I laughed when he climbed out the wrong side. Of course, he was virtually dead, so maybe not so funny. I was hoping he would clot the thing on the head.
Lots of questions here; I suppose this is part of a larger story. His wife will come looking for him and no one knows the monster is there and they can’t figure out why he died? Well, lots of time for that. Just a few nits:
Recently amputated threw me. I figured he arrived without the leg; took me a bit to realize it was chomped off. He seems awfully active for a fellow recently losing a limb. You might consider giving him back his leg and having the monster devour his buddy before it comes after him. Make the fight more even, more exciting. He could have his wits more about him, provide some challenges to the monster before it has him for lunch.
Macklin cannot remember,….now struggles. You swerved into the present tense there.
Dreadfulness and dread in the last paragraph; you know better. What does dread FEEL like? Heart dropping, throat closing, palms sweating, adrenaline rushing. Also, does this monster make any noise? Screech like a banshee? Roar like ….whatever with foul breath. This is the stuff that will make MY heart pound.
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