Lovely! What mother wouldn't want to get that, especially from a teenager. I love the "sometimes I am rude." It's really telling the author is learning to see bad behavior in herself. Good job!
Well, you certainly have a lot to say. I'm impressed with the sheer volume of your agony. Really interesting stuff with the angels, the fantasy area. I can see why fantasy would entice you.
Obviously, grammer and punctuation are a high priority. The "streaming" process is difficult to follow - you might consider more paragraphs.
But excellent job in making apparent your point of view of your world. Sue
Cute! I love the eyeliner part. I have a "tuxedo" cat and he is precious too. Twice, you say you would not survive without Selene, which concerns me a bit. As though your life could not go on without the cat. Which says a whole lot more about your situation and that makes me curious. You might want to elaborate on what the cat does for you that human relations do not. Just a thought - good job!
Clever - you had me going with your biological dad - I like the transition to God. It's great to have a daily conversation with someone who loves you. Good job!
Well written. What a horrible thing to blame a child for a failed marriage. And people wonder why kids commit suicide. What's worse, is she remembers when it was different.
My only comment is POV. It's 3rd person, then 1st, at least I think so.
For example:
Get up wake up
get a hold on yourself
You're a bad person
you're going to hell
Who is saying lines 3 and 4? I could make it her or her dad.
This is really cute and very clever idea! I think it could be a good children's story, although you have some innuendos that could go over their head. Your writing is funny, but you might want to consider some different sentence structure.
For example: This could prove to be a dangerous thing when you are a wizard, all it took was one ingredient in a spell to be read wrong and you could end up turning a small boy, or girl for that matter, into a giant Brussels sprout eating bogey monster.
Need at least a period in there somewhere. And why is Brussels capitalized - I'd tend to cap each word and put dashes in, but that's me.
The last line: Mr. Mincas soon became a very good reader and even stopped casting spells which caused trouble, well almost stopped.
Besides being rather long, I don't know the conclusion. Maybe that was your point. Is there a Chapter 2?
So, just give that some thought. I think you have a great story-telling capability!
Really nice. I wish I could bring back my grandmother to go over some of her wisdom again! You can't part with them, because there is something in every item. Well done! Sue
I like this; been there. You make what you think is a great friend and they vanish. No explanation; nothing. So you get cautious - why bother? But, of course, we go at it again - we have such a need to connect. Good job!
You've relayed the story well and I checked into it as I once lived near two elderly sisters who never married - they was so opposite!
Might I suggest more antics - more of what the sisters did and said. I almost think you could lose the other members of the family - maybe keep Mom or Dad around for reference. Put us in the scene with the men - totally - in present tense. I think it would make it come alive more. Great subject - wish I'd thought of it myself! Sue
Good! I think it is one of of those feelings where you don't quite fit, yet identify yourself more toward one than another. I remember as a child wondering if I was an alien and my parents didn't realize it. Kind of the same feeling here. Nice work with the colors - defines the feeling.
Well thought out - I think you have it! You have nicely nailed the majority of people - sometimes so sad - they miss the entire point. I'm not sure there is a "right" way to Christmas, but a particularly like the line "Are you spending Christmas as well as you might?" Good job!
Well, that was different! I rather enjoyed he ended up with a transvestite! Actually, I was hoping the "white breast" would turn out to be a Rudolph with a white chest - oh well!
Just a couple of thoughts for possible clarification. "The Bill." I thought this might be a roommate, but not terribly sure. Does beer come in shot glasses in your part of the world? No problemo - just curious - great read!
Oh my, ever so true. True love is being there when no one else is around - I love the part about the angels fleeing. Your allusion to the deer is excellent - the harder you chase love, the less likely you are to find it. Unfortunately, while this is widely know, it takes a while for some to realize. Good job!
This is great! I love the snowmen melting in the cruiser (although I didn't know the FBI had cruisers, but who cares?) You have taken a wonderful thread of out political correctness and run with it, willy-nilly, to a crazy, (but is it really?) conclusion. Well done! Sue
Love it! I find so many people simply think they must exist to succeed and are annoyed when others work hard and surge right past them. As those success were an inherent right. I particularly like "but can't cross the sea, still safe on the shore." And life if full of setbacks, but persistence always pays off - nicely done!
Very nice. I live in the mountains and we had to "thin" a number of trees for fire safety. I hated cutting them down, but knew the others would be healthier for it. We have a blue spruce trying to grow into the driveway, but I can't bear to part with it! Anyway, great way you came back around with the sapling. The colors, I don't know, I think the poem speaks for itself. Good job!
Wow! You're good! I particularly like the physical part of this - picking up the pencil, face hot, put down the cloth to rub out my fears, breath leaving the chest....very well done. I've never tried poetry - very tricky stuff there - but if I did, I'd want it to be like this! Sue
I think you have a good thing going here! The opening is good and I get that "she" is in charge. I was OK until the second to the last paragraph.
What monster beings? And now they're gone already? And is it the monsters or the controllers (I'm assuming the latter) whose childhood was stretched past human endurance? So, are they still human? Who is "retired?" The monsters or the "super" humans? Duh. I love "one escaped;" I just dont know which one. Just a little too quick for me! But you have a great beginning!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/suevn/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/15
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.30 seconds at 6:34pm on May 21, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I'm with you.