This is beautiful. The description of sand is delightful!
I don't think you need the explanation. In fact, it confused me as I was still thinking you were sitting out on your back, even though you later told me your back was exposed to the sun.
The heat of "her" lips. Because of the toe-nail painting up front, I'm thinking is is a female. Now, I'm not sure. Should I be? With a tinsy bit of clarification, this would be el-perfecto! Great job!
That's great! I once held the Olympic Torch. I happened to be at a ski clinic and Debbie Armstrong brought it. I never thought such a symbol could send chills through me. Such pride in one's country, though years past.
I like: The whole world knows now the Cup's not bolted down
I think this could be two poems. Easily. Distinct thoughts each.
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I love how the generations change with the alternating stanzas. And she would tell a story - how many stories, if only she could.
In New York state, people put butterflies on their houses. I don't think they are so large, but they looked so incongruous with the huge snowbanks. However, I suppose summer comes at some point.
This is a terrific story! A "there I was, lost in my own inertia" to "saving a life." Talk about a wake up call! Some suggestions:
I think you could start the story with "Katie." It will grab the reader right away. Somewhere in the crises, throw in thoughts of how she just thought this was about getting a great tan. Also, this will establish a female - I was going on male.
Details of employment and competing offers - I don't know - don't strike me as critical to the change in this person.
Consier getting rid of "hads" and move to past tense. It will increase the tension and shorten the sentence structure.
When you are going to use an acronym, do it immediately after the full spelling out. Ocean City Beach Patrol (OCBP). Then it is fair to use OCBP again.
Look at lines that could be shortened. For example: When they heard that I was quitting the OCBP, they offered to match what I had been paid as a beach guard and to put me on full time.
How about: Hearing I'd quit OCBP, they offered equal pay and full time.
What is an "activity" pool?
You have a terrific piece here. Just create the tension up front! And welcome - I see you are a Newbie! Suevn
Whoa! That was dark! The rhyming works and I don't have any issues with the verse.
The small case "i"s are OK, but it makes me think of a very small child; not one that is able to take their own life. At that stage, they are in 100% survival mode. Certainly not able to think or know about sin or paying for sin. I guess that would be my only suggestion - make us realize this is a young adult. Just a thought! Good job! Sue
Fascinating! I've never hear of a light box. After 4' of snow today, I may look into one. Very informative and to the point, which is what an article is all about.
A few suggestions:
An awful lot of words here which seems out of line with your other writing: "many of us have a deficit in being in the sunlight and this causes some to have depression." How about:"many of us have a sunlight deficit causing depression." ?
More emphasis here:"The answer to this quesion is a resounding yes" Just doesn't look resounding. Since the title is the question, how about just starting out with "YES!"?
This is conversational:"Now of course there are other ways to attack SAD without buying the box." Seems a little chummy. Other than the comma issue, perhaps something like "If a light box isn't feasible, an althernatives would be..."
Interesting piece that could develop into quite a story. I like how you start out with "giving them up." It entices the reader with "give up what?" Children was my first guess and I was suprised at the ending!
Some suggestions:
Use Skye's name up front and you might want to give him one too, although no biggy.
Try some dialog. It will break up the narrative. For example, his excuses and her conversation with her girlfriend.
Careful of your POV changes. For example, let HER see his obvious attraction, rather than putting us in his head. You could have a lot of fun with dialog with the guy at the bar!
Nits:
So she just lent her support in any way she could - I think you mean "his"
He often had to work long hours and was often tired when he came home - Need to lose an "often." How tired? Show us what he does, the conversation.
This is a wee bit choppy - might want to combine into complete sentences: He was working hard for them. So she just lent her support in any way she could. Doing the cleaning, making sure his lunch was ready for him to take to work. Keeping the fridge stocked with beer for when he arrived home late at night.
Good work - it's that thing they keep saying: Show, don't tell - and you will have an awesome piece!
Cute! You've got a lot to work with here and I feel like you have summarized a wonderful family stories. Now I want more!
Have you considered starting out with a family story told by Great Uncle Ebeneezer as he sat back in his rocker? The horse one is great - but details - she fell off and WHAT? Let him pause for effect. What did the horse do? Stuff like that.
You can fill in family history in between stories so it doesn't drag - also makes it easier for the reader to remember names. Just some thoughts - good piece!
Goodness! You've wrapped up a lot here! The earth is destroyed - sort of - children are hidden and made into lab rats, the earth is reorganized by the Post Destruction Admin and one of "their" rats is on the loose. I think you have the basis for a great story here! Heaven know what will happen when two Fallers get together.
I think you may be thinking your readers are smarter - well maybe they are - but you lost me on some points:
Are the Rodias related or of the Post Destruction Administration?
What is the Pangaetic state?
"Two days later, the world was no more." I don't know what this means...obviously these people are living underground....still on Earth?
I'm curious about conditions on the surface a mere 36 years after nuclear destruction. A whole city has managed to be built? Seems rather quick...
Erelian Sea? There is water? They threw themselves into the sea to die? They are...allergic to water?
Yeh, I know, a little thick. You don't have to answer all this, by the way. You have this huge story in your head and are trying to convey an awful lot in a short space. Might I suggest a couple of things:
Start with Coss - let us see through her memory. Rather than words like "destroyed," let us see it through her eyes, ears, touch, memory - whoops - no memory. Why is she seeking another Faller? What is her motivation? Is she just seeking revenge on the Rodias or wants to destroy what little has been built in 36 years because she is wacko?....
Favorite line: Brooding geniuses within the group - can see the mad scientists now!
Wow - that was great! And so glad to see "you" come out on top for a change. Or at least even.
There are times when we think we are destroyed only to realize a powerful lesson has been learned and we are much better for it. Not easy to see at the time, I realize.
You have a consistency in the beginning words in the first three stanzas I think would make your last stanza more powerful. Perhaps begin each line with "Now." Just a thought - good job!
The emotional pain is very clear, the resentment, the eagerness to let that person know they will never hurt you again.
The indifference, the blank stare, do not strike me as a person set on destruction, so much as someone who just, flat, doesn't care. Which, frankly, is worse. Maybe you meant more than that, but I didn't pick it up.
My other thought is the last line. Having said they are out of one's life, why allow that person to remain as one's hell? The narrator has learned one of life's painful lessons. Perhaps God has now lifted them to move on and leave behind this pain? Just a thought. Good job!
Wow. I knew I liked you. I can't help but wonder at what it all comes down to and "mother" is a profound focus. I too, could care less what your religion is. Well, done. Sue
Wow. What a story. I think you could do a lot more with this, but it stands well as is. I'd want to know the history of the marriage, why you stopped writing, the trauma of falling into bankruptcy,....I could go on and on. But you have the gist of it here and well done! Sue
Clever. Actually, I was asked recently why I graded "down" to a 4.5, when I graded "up" to a 4.5. Perceptions are everything! I've found some very thin skins and massive misinterpretations, even on the Plug Page. Why, for example, do I not know all the parks in Naples, FL? Duh. I live in New Mexico, for openers. But I generally find people want to help and I hope you find that too.
And my creativity, my thoughts, my self, my emotions are on vivid display, too, at my Port. Sympathic thoughts! Sue
Oh - a song. OK. (I can be a bit slow on stuff) I like the progress, ending with the River Styx.
"the fated ticks of the fated hands" is fascinating. As though it is all beyond our control - we have to do this. Of course, there is debate on that, but we won't go there.
I'm ambivalent on the message. The synopsis seemed to support the situation, but now we have death on both sides and it becomes more personal as people you know die and the war drags on. Perhaps a change of heart?
Cute and easy to visualize. I hate it when my husband wants to "come along." WHYYYYY?
I do think you could jazz it up a bit with your wonderfully sarcastic wit. Perhaps work on the "attractive blond lady"..."bearing a close resemblence to Dolly Pardon. When I managed to rip my eyes off..." You get the idea.
Another spot would be "Panic." Sweaty palms, sudden headache, praying the car wouldn't start, other crises which need managing in your wife's absence. Like the cat just threw up.....
One of my favorite lines: pushy women out for their weekly dose of retail therapy.
Excellent! I love the building of the tension, the reaching the point where you are "going to do it." Then reason steps in and spoils the show. But it made you think and that's what counts. Good job
This is very cool. The sun leaving, the moon coming. The two watching one another.
I think you could make much more of the relationship - here are two entities who could never have one another. I sense this, but I you could "be" in their minds and make the craving for one another greater.
If he could hold her - just for a moment. If she could feel his warm lips - you get the idea?! Fantastic idea! Sue
I'm wondering if you should call this "The Prostitute." It brings to mind people who do what they think they have to do and it all piles up in a defensive fortress aroung them.
And, I'm not sure it is "prostitute" in the convention form. People prostitute themselves in a variety of ways. Good job! Sue
This is good. A perspective from the "other side." And Daddy hasn't been much of a help. Just a thought - the title seems misrepresentative - Money IS Everthing. Through this child's eyes, it is money that will stop Mommy from crying. Perhaps that is what you meant - I think you could make it more blantant. Good job!
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Since the title is the question, how about just starting out with "YES!"?