Does get to that point at times doesn't it. A control thing, they thinking you will be there no matter what. They don't even like you, but play with you like a cat does a mouse.
Great title! Said that myself.
Typo: Even though your (you?)try to bring me back
be more wrong (comma)it's time to move on
In fact, as you other lines are one phrase, instead of:
you think I still love you,but you couldn't
be more wrong it's time to move on.
how about:
you think I still love you
You couln't be more wrong,
its' time to move on.
???? Just a thought. Good, poignant work.
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Very nice. I am always amazed at what others see in my writing and, as you can see, you will be too. This is sincere and yet one can sense the amazement.
The part I like best is not wanting to waste time. I also appreciate the big picture nursing degree with the embroidery project. Sometimes we need small accomlishments in order to keep on with the never-ending big stuff.
Moving is always difficult and there's just nothing like a positive attitude toward change. Good job!
Wow - you've got a good thing here and so timely!
The second half is full of tension -are they going to go out, then the guns - and great ending in suspense.
Consider intermingling the first half into the second half. Maybe start with the necklace, then flash back to childhood. Have the teacher catch them and have her daydream about an earlier time during class. Like when he went away at Christmas.
Be careful of getting into Tom's head. This is a short piece (although could really be a good, longer story) and you probably don't want to change POVs.
A couple of nits:
was generally (no?)more than a stone’s throw
"didn’t give her s***" Rather strong language for a child. Maybe "didn't give her a bad time..."
Well, I think you have the rage thing down. "Bitterness" was the word that came to my mind. I have hope about 2/3 through that "you" were going to rise above the past, to seek out the better teachers, to go beyond the low expectations of the past.
I'd still like to think that, but I wonder at your last words, "I am rage." I don't doubt it, mind you, but somewhere, somehow, the rage has to be left behind. Raging will get no one anywhere. So, if this is about a continuous, downward spiral into the depths of addiction with full knowlegde things could be different, you've got it. It there is a piece of hope that is trying to rise out, might I suggest deleting the last line. Just my impression.
Interesting. What DO you say about yourself? Sort of a difficult assignment!
I'm a CSI fan too and Grissom IS a fascinating character. I got a little confused as you talked about your short stories, one of which evolved into "a bodice-ripping story." Is that part of the Grissom group?
"My animals are a large part of my life." More here, please. Dogs? Cats? Horses? How are they a large part of your life? Breeding? Racing?
I don't know how you do that! Just whip a poem out of nothing.... You should post it in the Testimonials! The map really sets the stage. I'm not sure we could be much further apart if we worked at it! Sue
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You're good. I can see you walking in the trees, some indecision going on, trying to see the right way, trying to ignore the questionable way, trying to determine which is which.
Favorite lines:
I had a long talk
with my heart today
For I felt that it
had alot to say
How often does the heart have a lot to say and we just ignore it? Great piece!
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Great piece! I always thought if I was a sea creature, I would want to be a dolphin. Playful and strong, curious and intelligent. You have captured all this so well. And the way they will race a ship or a boat, as though there was some destination. Just for the sport of it! Excellent! Sue
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Very moving piece. There comes a time when we don't tell them what is wrong. Of course, the same is true of them, I find. But we love each other just the same. "My love for you will never change" and neither will his.
Consider that thought. That he will love you too, no matter what. You just have to work up your courage to tell him what's wrong, because he probably already knows something is.
Some nits: "i" should be "I" Well, generally speaking that is. Maybe there is some poetical license here.
"Their will come a day" "There will..."
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This is well thought out. They always say to use the senses, but how do you really identify the senses?
I've read the last stanza several times and the last two lines, while very true and thought provoking, just don't seem to fit. Almost as though there was an unfinished two lines that were lost before them. Just a thought. Good job! Sue
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Wow. I've know people with MS, but never really understood what was happening through such a visual mode. You've done this quite well. And, of course, we never pay attention until it affects us, either personally or close to personally.
I only have two comments:
"The legs that go up that still hold me up" Too many "ups." How about "the legs that link, that still hold me up."? Or "join" or "attach" or something besides "up"
"our quit numb now" "are quite numb now?" Good job. Very perceptive. Sue
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This is a lovely story of friendship. You have interspersed it nicely with dialog. The blind girl and her friend who is there for her.
Here are some things you might consider to improve the story.
The question of the story is one of friendship with Nazia. Perhaps introduce her earlier, maybe at school?
"Fariha chose a seat beside the window.
“Good Morning!” About thirty students greeted as" When Fariha is choosing a seat, I envision the room empty. Suddenly, there are 30 students! Maybe she could choose amoung the few remaining seats, conscious of the chatter in the classroom.
Is "bowling" a term associated with cricket? It is a whole other sport here, but I don't know a thing about cricket!
"red colored car stopped" I don't think you need "colored." If it's red, that enough. Also, you might want to add it stopped in front of the SCHOOL gate as I first thought a car pulled up in front of the house.
"is all the arrangements done?” Perhaps, "are all the arrangements done?"
All the glasses fell and after 15 minutes, no one cleaned up the mess? Worse, yet, they were dancing in the broken glass? Puzzling to me....
When the glasses fall, there is tension. What will happen? Then there are two paragraphs of narrative about Nazia. Tension is gone. The paragraphs are fine, I just think they could be better placed at the beginning. Let the glasses fall, then have someone push Nazia to the floor.
Good and meaningful story! Suevn
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Funny! Aren't there just the most reasons not to write? When I saw this, I envisioned all the excuses I have: Do the laundry, clean the house, check my e-mail, what's up in my online class, phone rings, who's that on Caller ID...that sort of thing. Just some thoughts - feel free to use! Suevn
Very, very clever. You're not alone. I always wonder when I'm getting up in the dark and ready for bed at 7:00 pm. Fun piece with a foot in reality. Sue
Awesome! Good you put you were in Australia in the title. Otherwise I would have gone, HUH? Who wants it to rain on New Year's Eve?
With that thought -perhaps a bit of dry grass, the earth soaking up the bits of moisture as they fall? How long has it been since it rained? Make us BE in Australia!
Well done! How many cubicle walls can you stare at? What am I doing wrong? There are other like me...what are they thinking? How can I get out of this "hole."
A thought: They tell me to make a choice. But so scary...what if it goes wrong? Am I brave enough? What do I really want to do? Will it work out? Can I pay the rent?
I think these are things that would enhance the poem beyond "wanting help." But it stand well on it's own!
This is really cute. You should be labeling these short stories - they really are! You have a beginning, a middle and and an end. That makes a short story!
Because you are thinking "essay," "journal entry" you use words that are not necessary to a story. For example:
"The earliest memory, conjured from the depths of my mind, is that of my first cooking experience. I was about three years old," Instead: "At three years of age, I took on my first cooking project." Not to put too fine a point on it, but "earliest memory" and such do not invoke interest. Now, a three-year old does. So start with the action!
I work with 3-year olds at ski school and it is hard to imagine one getting anything out of the fridge or putting it on the stove. Might I suggest a chair or stool being pushed hither and thither. It could really be quite comical!
Grammar/spelling nits. For example: This was not unusual, in and of its self (itself?), as she awoke hungry every morning, and cried until (capital M) mother pacified her with that first bottle of milk. If "Mother" is her name in the sentence, capitalize it. If it is say, her mother, lower case.
The ending is great. Of course a 3-year old wouldn't know about water!
Really cute story, and think of these as stories! Sue
Yes, words can be brutal. Sometimes sticks and stones don't seem so bad!
My only confusion is how often this is happening. In the beginning, it seems a one time occurance, but then "Always cutting me down." Once, I can see. But why is the narrator allowing this to continue? I think for the poem to stand as it is, it should be one time. A single misunderstanding, whatever.
If it's more than once, I suggest some action on the part of the narrator. Like "I don't need this, you're only trying to make yourself feel important." Well, words to that effect. Or, if this is a child to adult relationship, consider giving us the effect on the child and why they are trapped.
Excellent lines:
You're as the winter,
harsh and cold,
Withering my vibrant bloom.
This is really cute. I so admire those who care for the elderly and infirm. You must have the patience of a saint. And being young and new, you would not have asked your superior, "Well, what do YOU suggest?"
Your compassion comes through really well. You are there for the patient at each step.
Just a couple of suggestions:
"somewhat vacant eyes." This is vague. Maybe something like, "eyes that looked right through me."
Why is she nauseated at the end? Frustrated, maybe, but nauseated?
I WANT the confrontation with the instructor! Something remarkably clever I hope, like "take these teeth and..." OK. Maybe not. But something.
Like me, you are not terribly fond of commas. Might want to go through and check. Here's one: Another feeble attempt COMMA and I knew it was all in vain.
Nice job, good imagery and emotion. Suevn
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This is excellent! How she is struggling, only to find someone in worse shape. The description of the villa is fascinating. I would like to know more of how she came to be there, but stands on its own.
Your descriptions are outstanding: Eva’s grimy hands came upon a chair that was still attached to its legs and she slumped into it, resting in the sticky silence.
Favorite line: "in Eva’s weary eyes trees became fires and lakes were sickly pools of scarlet blood"
so we know she has seen some awful stuff.
Great read! Sue
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Wow! That was a ride! You certainly created tension - I was already for the blood bath. But I like the twist, the reconsideration. The disregard for the Lord is interesting. As though he is trying to ignor "Him" but can't. "Vengence is mine..."
This line confused me: "You plead you not known yourself" Not sure what you mean there
And this: "He is free to do what he please" Pleases? And generally, "He" would be capitalized. Good job!
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