Hello, welcome to writing.com.
This sad little poem sounds as if it about a child not yet conceived?
Maybe it’s about a longed for baby who as yet is just a dream.
I can feel the longing in the words.
Thank you for sharing.
Cheers Sue
Hi again, just thought I’d check out Miss Evelyn whilst I was here.
I love the concept of a winning call and the battery running out at the last moment.
You have a wonderful way with words and are able to conjure up real characters which the reader is able to empathise with.
I can see one typo. You say she’s not a fun of gadgets. Should it be fan?
I felt for her being so tired after her work. You described her aches and pains well.
Well done, thank you for sharing your story.
Cheers Sue
Hello and a very warm welcome to writing.com.
This story, ‘Song of the birds’, I enjoyed reading very much.
I think we all know someone ageless, a person that we’ve know throughout our lives, who we somehow expect to be around forever.
The shock we feel when we realise he isn’t immortal is real and profound. Quite shocking really.
The sentence starting messages flowed in, was too long, especially as it was followed by two extremely short ones. Other than that I couldn’t see anything that needs attention. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story.
Cheers Sue
Hi there, thank you for sharing this story. I found it very evocative, stirring memories of going back to a place that had once been home.
The visuals were strong, I could see the view from the top of the hill. The hill wasn’t as you remembered with the new road going over it, but still you knew that it was stilll the same place.
Going back is often hard to do, especially to a place of childhood. I liked how you described the local children playing and tried to place yourself in that time and place. The loss of a parent is so very hard and it is true that what was once a home becomes just a house after that person leaves.
I really enjoyed reading this story.
Cheers Sue
Hi Izzy
Thank you for your poem, it describes the trauma of sexual abuse and the aftermath amazingly well. Well done.
I think I would have found it easier to read if the format had been different. Separate lines to bring out the rhyme and rhythm.
However the lines about the loss of innocence being as a flower without sunshine are beautiful and symbolic.
I really appreciated the story this told.
Thank you for sharing
Hi Sarim, you obviously wrote this piece from your heart, it was as if you needed to get down words that were rushing to be released.
I felt for you, maybe it wasn’t you but someone you imagined was going through this torment you describe so well. Whatever, or whoever, you let this reader feel the emotions he/she was experiencing.
Of course there are grammatical errors throughout but one feels in this case they could be excused, as anyone would excuse a person who was experiencing all you described.
Well done. Keep on writing.
Cheers Sue
Hi, congratulations on a well told story. One of determination, bravery and a carelessness that only an obsession so fierce would cause a man to risk everything.
One can only imagine the fear and responsibility the fourteen year old would have felt after the father died.
The story is one of many of that place and time and the reader is taken along for the ride, feeling sad and worried for this little family who through no fault of their own found themselves in such dire straits.
A worthy winner, well done.
Cheers Sue
Hi Huntersmoon,
This poem has it all, poignancy, reflection and yet speaks to today’s need for greed.
I particularly liked the line how your plans changed to accommodate the needs of others.
I’m not qualified to comment on Rhyme or meter but as they say “ I know what I like”
Cheers Sue
Hi Ken,
You have some amazing turns of phrase here!
Such description, beautifully executed. Seven precious word taken up with her name! I would have probably named her Sharron😂 lol
Excellent story, thanks for the smile at the end.
Cheers Sue
Hi Bill, this little poem says what most of us feel, that home is the place where we can be ourselves. No pretence, a place we scuttle to as if we are crabs retreating into our shells.
How terrible it must be to be homeless, to have nowhere to run to at the day’s end. It doesn’t need to be a palace, just a place to call our own.
You have described the feeling so well.
Cheers Sue.
Hi Shannon, that’s a pretty powerful story, one that made this reader reflect on past child abductions and mysteries in my life time.
To have a child go missing must be the worst thing that can happen to a family or even a community.
Our village experienced such a case when a friend of my daughter went missing after netball practice. They were eight years old. I picked my daughter up and this child was waiting for her mother when I left the school.
She was eventually found murdered by a sixteen year old boy.
That was forty years ago.
It surprised me how affected I was by your well written story.
Cheers Sue
Hi Woody, came across this oldie but a goody of yours. I could hear the voice of the guy from Dragnet the old tv series, can’t remember his name.
It gave me a smile today.
Cheers Sue
Hi Bikerider,
Thanks for your reply and offer of help if I ever decide to carry on with the cops and robbers stories.
I loved the introduction to this story, intriguing, encouraging the reader to find out more.
Yes, it’s hard to believe that Brad would turn to the church, but on reflection maybe after seeing and experiencing years of the worst side of humanity, maybe he sought to discover another side of life. Perhaps he was looked for peace?
I really enjoyed it, you painted a real picture of the man in words.
Cheers Sue
Hi Shiki
This is a wonderful start to joining this helpful group. You’re in the right place for all the help and assistance you may need or wish for.
Keep on writing.
Cheers Sue
Hi there Jacky,
Thanks for the explanation of where my missing items went.
The dialogue used was familiar to me. I’ve spoken all those words.
I can almost believe an alien took my missing items.
Enjoyable tale. Thanks for sharing
Cheers Sue
Hi Robert, it sure is a worthy winner no matter what form it was.
Loved the picture of the stupid cat lying in the sink, maybe the sun had enticed her to lie in it’s warmth.
Not being a cat person myself, I still feel for the poor feline when the inevitable spray of water disturbs her peace .
Well done.
Cheers Sue
Hi William,
A well written story which kept me reading to the end, it was full of suspense, and one just knew something terrible was about to happen.
You describe the terror of being in a fog such as that extremely well. The sound is muffled, you can feel the wetness of it clinging to your very core.
In England years ago when everyone burnt coal for fuel, fogs such as you describe were common and called “ pea soupers “.
I haven’t been in one for many years but you brought back the experience for me.
Thank you for sharing, I really enjoyed the suspense.
Cheers Sue
Hi Robert, thank you for a very amusing tale. I enjoyed it.
It was well written and the story flowed well.
The spacing made it easy to read.
I too have written something for the Quotation inspiration, taking a completely different slant.
Good luck, a worthy entry.
Cheers Sue
Hi Stephen, thanks for your take on the old fairy tale, it was really amusing. What a sensitive soul Mr Wolf is! Who would have thought?
The only comment other than praise, is that it needs to be better spaced, especially as it’s written for a child.
I saw the need for more commas, and wasn’t sure that the word ‘oftenly’ actually exists, although I did look it up and the consensus was that although it is a word it’s the wrong word, if that makes sense.
On the whole though a good version, and an amusing one.
Thanks for sharing
Cheers Sue
Hi, I really enjoyed this story. It was imaginative, entertaining and well written.
How frustrating was that wife? And the fact he was unable to escape her no matter where or when he tried to go. Back and forth through history, a wonderful concept.
Well done.
Cheers Sue
Thanks for sharing this sweet story.
The dialogue was convincing. Maybe John had been waiting all his life for Annie, or maybe it was just a line. However ,Annie would have loved it.
I really enjoy stories that are mainly dialogue, leaving the reader to imagine the characters and their back stories.
Well done.
Cheers Sue
Mmmmm you had me there!
Thought he was some sort of ghoulish surgeon who relished his job.
Nice take on the job of peeling potatoes, I’ll never tackle the task the same again.
Cheers Sue
I really liked the story, so imaginative. Maybe you have a garden full of hedges clipped into shapes yourself, to have come up with such a notion.
Robert reminded me of a young Harry Potter eagerly beginning his time at the academy of dark arts.
I shall never look at a hedge or shrub clipped to within an inch of it’s life, the same again.
There is an elephant, trunk raised high in our neighbourhood , I wonder if a zoo is missing one.
Well done
Cheers Sue
Hi there,
A story of a life of wondering, never knowing. Maybe Margie never let herself fall in love, or marry, so was her heartbreak on losing her lover.
Then to come face to face with him after all those years.
This would be a great beginning to a longer story and hopefully one where she could get revenge.
I didn’t know what a 401k is, maybe it’s an item that’s known only in America.
I have had criticism in the past of writing parochialy and using Australian terms not known by a wider readership.
Thanks for sharing I enjoyed the story.
Cheers Sue
Hi Angus,
Found this story when searching for something to read.
Poor Eddie not too bright leaving the wreckage and the safety of the fire. Still like any good horror story if the protagonists never took risks there’d be no story. I thought maybe he was going to end up in a big pot gradually being boiled.
Wondering if the tribe was one made up of women, maybe men haters.
Queen Mandy. It has a ring to it.
Thanks for sharing
Cheers Sue
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