Hi Angus,
Found this story when searching for something to read.
Poor Eddie not too bright leaving the wreckage and the safety of the fire. Still like any good horror story if the protagonists never took risks there’d be no story. I thought maybe he was going to end up in a big pot gradually being boiled.
Wondering if the tribe was one made up of women, maybe men haters.
Queen Mandy. It has a ring to it.
Thanks for sharing
Cheers Sue
Hi Huntersmoon, thanks for giving me a smile today.
I’m not one for poetry usually, but I enjoy the ones with simple rhyme.
Maybe that says something about me?
You describe today’s world as seen by an old (older) person. The frustration with politics and politicians, the apps that we can’t live without, and the latest expensive gadgets. How presumptuous that ‘they’ believe they know everything about us and what is best for us.
Thanks for sharing.
Cheers Sue
Hi, congratulations on your win.
I read through the story twice, your characters are believable, you give the reader a sense of the desperate misery of this town.
In a longer format it would have been good to know Don’s background and why he was so bitter and twisted.
An imaginative tale, well told
Cheers Sue
Hi I caught up with your story whilst entering January’s Twisted Tale Comp.
It’s a very well written piece that captures the reader’s imagination from the beginning.
There was no clue during the tale of the twist, which made me give a gasp. That’s the whole idea of course.
Good job a worthy winner.
Cheers Sue
Hi Jellyfish
I came across this in your portfolio when I read a review on your poem ‘ Whatever happened to Great Britain ‘
I left England 45 years ago but still have family there.
I’m intrigued by this ‘I am jellyfish’ because I think I too am becoming addicted to WDC.
I’ve not been here long and there’s time to escape but not sure I want to.
Do you have any advice ?? Do I need help?
Cheers Sue
Hi again Ezekiel
Thanks for getting back to me for my opinion after your edit.
It is an improvement certainly. Did you think so too?
Just one thing. If you are going to say “there were no crabs” the following word will be scurrying. I’d drop the “ there were” and just say No crabs scurried sideways, no seagulls ...
You certainly paint a picture of this desolate beach. Well done.
Sue
Hi Betty,
Grandparents play a unique role in their grandchildren’s lives and always have done.
Today though they are playing a different role, that of parents, a role that was not normally expected of them.
The scourge of drugs are more often taking children’s parents away, leaving them to turn to other family members, usually the grandparents.
You have touched on a topic so prevalent today.
Thank you for sharing
Sue
Hi John,
I read the piece and thought that it was a real experience and was loath to comment. Then I saw it was a work of fiction and although I felt a relief that you personally hadn’t gone through the dreadful experience of losing a loved one, I was made aware that someone had, probably today.
You express the trauma of the experience well.
It seemed that George had found the instructions to keep Heather comfortable was the one he’d found the most difficult to achieve, berating himself that he should have done more.
Maybe he needed more specifics, not just a generalised order or suggestion. He was left feeling inadequate.
The ending was comforting for the reader with the message that in time George will be okay.
Well written piece, thanks for sharing.
Sumojo
Thanks for the story of the accident. Maybe it was a true account or an imagined scenario, one we all fear I suspect.
The dialogue seems genuine. Each person speaking needs to have a new line otherwise it becomes confusing for the reader to differentiate the speakers.
The telephone ringed?
There is too much telling and not enough showing in the piece, especially in the first paragraph.
An interesting scenario though and if it were true, a happy ending.
Sumojo
Hi Ezekiel
Thanks for submitting Back to Dust for reviewing.
The piece certainly highlights a world problem that of pollution of our oceans.
I found your use of descriptive words and phrases a little over the top.
The first sentence includes ‘simulated’ which is out of place here.
Instead of saying the sand was not smooth, describe what it is then.
Placing the words “frozen and chaotic motion” in the same sentence seems strange to me.
Some of your phrases such as “diligent waves and talismans of misfortune “ don’t fit into the sentence structure.
In the paragraph describing the old man I found the sentences too short.
What weight had he lugged around ? We’re you still referring to the ring?
Watch your tenses you often slipped from past to present.
You did say to nit pick although this is against my nature so I hope you don’t take offence at the remarks.
Anyway on the whole the work has merit and after a good edit I would really love to read again.
Regards
Sumojo
Thank you Matilda for submitting your piece for review.
It has merit for showcasing the differences between the children and the that lottery life is. Some win and others lose.
I think that the story would benefit from less telling and more showing.
A description of the second seven year olds living conditions would have had more impact than saying it was less like the first child’s.
This has the potential to make the reader think about the plight of the less fortunate.
Well done.
Regards Sumojo
You say so much in so few words, written from the heart.
That vast distance between you and a lover may only be inches but it might as well be, as you say 2000 miles.
To be lonely when alone is sad, but to be lonely when lying next to someone you love is cruel.
Sumojo
Thanks for sharing your experience. I needed to read it a few times before I appreciated the full picture.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a one sided conversation such as this. The shouter just gets louder to drown out any argument, as if by shouting their point becomes more valid, showing a complete indifference to one’s own point of view or take on the subject.
Well done for showing the scene is so few words
Regards Sumojo
Some really powerful words here. Made me remember the times when all that was needed to take the pain and hurt away was to be reached out to. To just be held and to hear the words that will soothe the sadness.
Thank you for sharing
Sumojo
Happy Christmas Jen, It’s great you’re trying different ways of expression. I requested a ukulele for Christmas but Santa brought me perfume and wrinkle cream!
Might have to buy my own uke
Love that you have your dogs to keep you warm, ( presuming it’s cold there where you are)
Here in Australia it’s 40 degrees centigrade.🥳
Cheers Sumojo
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