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Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hellokzn

Thank you for sharing your story "A Village With No Name / 1 & 2"  I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
On my first read through my first impressions were, that this was a story that even I, someone who has never read a western in her life, found herself wanting to know what happens next.




*StarfishB*Plot
Gideon McCraw sets out into the amazing landscape which you describe well, we realise as we read further into the chapter he is a man destroyed by grief and a thirst for revenge. As he arrives in yet another small town, he tries to avoid getting involved in the troubles, however one gets the feeling this isn’t going to be easy for Gideon.




*StarfishB* Characters
As the main character so far in this story you paint a clear picture of his physique, his mental state and demeanour. In fact the posse and the stable boy are well described, giving a feel of the era, the environment and the tension.



*StarfishB*Climax
We only get a taste of what is about to happen next but I’m sure our hero is going to find himself embroiled in the politics of this town without a name. We already know there is segregation happening with the blacks and Chinese inhabitants.


*StarfishB*Suggestions
For my personal taste I find the descriptive passages a little too flowery. When you spoke of his dead wife I felt there was just a bit too much description and the reader may start skipping to reach a more interesting part. This is purely a personal point of view however. The sentence rocked his body as water gushes over large rocks after a violent thunderstorm... is another case of overdoing description.Westerns usually appeal to a more male readership and I think if you cut down on the floweryness it will be more readily received.
Just one other point was when you wrote villages I think you meant to say villagers, meaning the occupants?



*StarfishB*Parting Comments
Thank you for asking for feedback. I hope you continue with the story, it has potential to be a good read with a strong main character.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
252
252
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Richard ~ Shenanigans INC.

Thank you for sharing your story. "A Lifetime of Firsts ~ Chapter One"  I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
On my first run through, my first thought was that the idea of a camera being a human’s lifetime companion was a brilliant one. Especially one that becomes humanised itself, taking and storing only images it knows intrinsically its owner would want to archive.



*StarfishB*Plot
The story begins with both the lives of Emily and Gigi, set in the sterile labour room. It continues to follow Emily’s life up to the time she’s a mother of three young children. Throughout she is accompanied by her camera, which has taken on human qualities, being able to move around at will, surprisingly at no time does this seem to be anything other than normal to Emily.



*StarfishB* Characters
The main characters are Emily and Gigi. It was mentioned that technology had superseded Gigi, a thought which certainly entered my mind after the first ten years of its use. However it seems to have overcome its limited capacity and updated itself.



*StarfishB*Climax
Gigi saved the day, as well as the lives of her loved ones, by capturing the images of the perpetrators and requesting immediate assistance from the police.


*StarfishB*Suggestions
The one thing which I found a little disconcerting was the fact you never said who was speaking during, before or after dialogue. I know sometimes it was obvious and could be surmised but I felt as if there was something missing by not including Greg said, or I said, or the policeman remarked.
The dialogue in the first scene: ”Get that thing out of here.” full stop. Capital letter. Not quite a scream but close enough. full stop and then capital letter. Never mess with a woman in labor. The following dialogue should be similar. ”I don’t care.” Okay that definitely qualifies as a scream. “Get it away from me..”





*StarfishB*Parting Comments
A great little story, good concept. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed the read.



Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
253
253
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Helloruwth

Thank you for sharing your story"~ The Traditions of Man ~" hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions

The first impressions of the item was that it was from a mother’s point of view. It can be a sad thing when the children you have taught to believe something you and they have believed to be intrinsically the truth, decide for themselves it just isn’t so. How is a parent supposed to feel under those circumstances?
Maybe a sense of betrayal? Or would one be proud to have raised a free thinking young person, one who could make their own mind about the way they choose to live their lives and traditions?

I found the fact that your daughter’s work colleagues were even more surprised by her rejection of Santa Clause. Surely we don’t expect any child past ten years of age to believe in such a character, flying around the world visiting every child on the planet? What made me sad in reading this, was not the fact that rational adults chose to research the whole Christmas myth, but that commercialism as been allowed to hijack the season of “goodwill” and the gross image of grown people fighting over a manufactured doll to ensure their children’s happiness on Christmas Day. The adults making children greedy, I actually don’t think children are greedy for ‘things’. They want their parent’s attention, their time, their love. This is the real meaning of Christmas, not the endless gift giving, but time! Time for each other. It doesn’t matter if your daughters choose to celebrate the festive season in a way different to the one you gave them when they were children, just as long as they share it with others in a loving way.


*StarfishB*Parting Comments
It may be easy for me to be blasé about something you may feel a problem, or one that makes you feel uneasy in anyway, but I believe everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. What an amazing blessing it is that we each have our own thought processes and the strength to live our lives according to those beliefs. As long as we aren’t hurting others along the way.

Thanks for sharing this thought provoking post.
Cheers Sue




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
254
254
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello free writer

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
On my initial read through I could see what this story intended to portray, the experience of a man terrified of something beyond his control. You did this well



*StarfishB*Plot
A man in trouble drives a long, dark road, worried about the worsening weather conditions. We, as the reader, come to realise it is in fact rain that terrifies the driver. We are left to surmise he had been in an accident that he’d survived but perhaps someone he’d cared about had suffered in the incident?
He meets a stranded couple on the road and is forced to assist them against his better judgement.



*StarfishB* Characters
The main characters are the driver and the woman and daughter. One gets an unsettling feeling as one continues on this nightmare journey, something has to give eventually, either the driver refuses to drive any further in the rain, or the woman uses her instincts and gets the hell out of there!



*StarfishB*Climax
We’re left at the end where the main character drags himself into the mud to drink the hours away in the rain, rather than remain in the dry car. He is certainly one strange dude.


*StarfishB*Suggestions
The story has merit. You were intending to portray the menace in the piece which you certainly achieved. You gave this reader a real feeling of unease, which never really had anywhere to go. The ending felt a little disappointing. Keeping tenses from past to present can be a problem, it’s so easy to do. You wrote: Suddenly I lose control.. present tense. Slip into past tense my hands groped faster
I found the use of the word WASa little over used. the car was, the movement was, was peaceful, was in tears, was crying, was trembling etc
Maybe just choose one of the broken down car’s faults instead of ran out of gas and a flat tire You described the caras a simple white car maybe a better description?



*StarfishB*Parting Comments
A good edit would make a huge difference to this story. It has a real chilling feeling. Thanks for sharing, keep on writing.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
HelloBeholden

Thank you for sharing your story, I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
I really laughed out loud, it is a really unique storyline. Being from the same neck of the woods myself, the voice of the storyteller was loud and clear.



*StarfishB*Plot
Writing in the vernacular is a tricky and difficult thing to pull off successfully and you certainly did that. Having lived in the UK for many years at first I wondered about this wayward gecko having never seen one in chilly England. It certainly makes one wonder about the minds of these advertising guys, maybe they thought geckos are scurrying all over London. Perhaps it would have been a good idea for them to have him dressed in lots of warm clothes, a flat cap maybe.




*StarfishB* Characters
I loved this little guy, but then you consider other ways the Brits are portrayed in the media, such as the villainous somewhat cheeky Brit or a darker character, yet you considered the Scots get a fairer hearing. Not sure you’re on the money there, lots of villains in Glasgow’s narrow streets.



*StarfishB*Climax
It finished as it began, a real good laugh for anyone who takes the time to understand the nuances and witty turn of phrase.



*StarfishB*Parting Comments
I appreciated the time you took with this short piece getting it right on. Thank you for brightening my day.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket
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Review of Ol' Fat Charlie  
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Poor Jack, he couldn’t win a trick. Even though he was saved by the old man, he lived a life having to deal with disfigurement and ridicule. I enjoyed the way the story unfolded, the narrator’s voice relating the facts of Jack’s interaction with the vicious dog seemed so matter of fact when describing the horrible injuries, and one knew that the boy’s life wasn’t going to end well. The first paragraph gave a lot of information without feeling in anyway forced or rushed.

The dialogue throughout was natural, sort of laconic and innocent but with undertones of menace. Your descriptions were good I particularly lend the lines: he smiled, showing teeth the colour of bark and honey. and ”it looks like you mighta lost some parts yerself “

I quite like the idea of old Mr Death being upset at being thwarted just when he came to claim his victim, but not keen on the idea he’d be forever stalking, waiting to get his own back. Obviously Fat Charlie and the dogs were ghosts but chained to the living world until he undid his previous good deed?

I really enjoyed reading Ol’Fat Charlie, thanks for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Library Lady  
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Mara ♣ McBain

Thank you for sharing your story. "The Library Lady"  I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
The story impressed me with its portrayal of a simpler time. Although set in the present it reminded me of a small town’s innocence.


*StarfishB*Plot
The story begins in the local library, it is Halloween and the town’s children have been convinced by the librarian to enjoy the evening at the library instead of trolling the streets seeking treats. The town has come together to make the event a success, contributing either money or goods. I liked how you set the scene with your descriptions of the time of year. the crisp bite of fall in the air as you speak of warm cinnamon doughnuts and apple cider. Tricia the librarian is concerned about her protégée Kasey, and we the reader are left with a sense of foreboding that something ill has befallen the child.



*StarfishB* Characters
Tricia’s character is well drawn, she knows that she was lucky to have been adopted into a loving family and that is why she is so concerned about Kasey’s welfare. She can see herself in the child.




*StarfishB*Climax
The ending to the story is unsurprising and at the same time satisfying and heartwarming.



*StarfishB*Parting Comments
I enjoyed reading this well written story, it flowed well from the beginning, leading to the happy ending Kasey deserved.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Silent Witness  
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, hullabaloo22

Thank you for sharing your story. "Silent Witness" I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
I found the concept intriguing, ensuring that I continued to read to the end. You have personified a house, giving it a character of its own. It is an observer, a silent witness, showing no favour or giving no opinion to the events within its walls.



*StarfishB*Storyline
There is no plot, just an observation by an old house, and although it is unable to relate to anyone the events unfolding within its walls, it retains them as if it was an actual living breathing being. Who knows if our own dwelling places look on at the events of our lives, approvingly or most likely disappointed in its tenant’s behaviours. Do they actually become so sated they can no longer hold any more dramas, sadnesses or joy?




*StarfishB* Characters
The only character in this story is the house. You give it life, one can almost feel it say, “Enough.”



*StarfishB*Climax
The climax comes at the moment the house starts to release its secrets, having held them close to its heart for so long, to make room for fresh dramas, tears and laughter.



*StarfishB*Parting Comments
I enjoyed the story, and wonder as I look at my home and remember all the things that have occurred here, if the walls retain the memories within. Thank you for sharing.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Hey Gary  
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Whitemorn

Thank you for sharing your story. "Hey Gary"  I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
An enjoyable romp, following the adventures of two young boys, maybe you were remembering being one of the two brave lads and expanded fact into fiction.



*StarfishB*Plot
The story flows well, easy to follow, as they enter the old house, thinking it may be haunted, but they got more than they’d bargained for. The wanted felon had been hiding in his old home from the police who were seeking to arrest him for murder.


*StarfishB* Characters
Ronnie and Gary are the two boys, they would have been too young at the time of the young girl’s murder to have realised the impact it must have had on the community. It would have been their parents who had told them to avoid the grave site house, because the killer was still at large. Maybe it would have been better to have made the boys older. Maybe ten years old?
The boys were very brave and ingenious to escape the clutches of the crazed killer, escaping through a hole in the roof and striking him with a fallen branch. Once more I think it would be more plausible if the kids were older.




*StarfishB*Climax
The climax of this story was really after the kids had managed to overcome the killer. However when they returned to the house and the organ played and the old woman in the picture grinned, ithe story went a little too fanciful for me.


*StarfishB*Suggestions
I suggest when writing dialogue to use a separate line for each speaker, otherwise it becomes confusing as to which character is speaking. You put child eating and my best friend in brackets which didn’t seem correct. I think it would read better if you wrote my best friend Gary...





*StarfishB*Parting Comments
A nice little story, which had it all. Ghostly sounds, morphing portraits, axe wielding killers and two naughty boys. What else could you possibly want? Thanks for sharing.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with Under Construction: MHWA  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing ‘Just another love story’, and welcome to WdC. I hope you enjoy being here and you get the encouragement to write more. The story has promise, it is a topical one, that of on line dating, getting to know someone before actually meeting. Of course it’s fraught with danger isn’t it? The actual meeting is often disappointing.
I found the story a little confusing, but maybe Abigail herself was confused?
Try to watch your tenses they talked for multiple hours, even days, she has never met anyone like him. should read had never...Maybe choose a different word for multiple, perhaps numerous?
...dating app, but why not don’t forget the question mark.
Try and experiment with different size fonts and double space your paragraphs so that the text is easier to read.
Thank you for sharing your love story, I hope Abigail finds her true love on line some time.
Well done, keep on writing.
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Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, KingKitsune

Thank you for sharing your story. "The Beautiful Leap"  I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
Firstly I wish to welcome you to WDC, I hope you enjoy your time here. This is a place where you will receive respectful reviews and any advice or help if you require it.
I really enjoyed reading this story although it was very sad. A tale of a woman who could not accept the ageing process. For someone who has been a great beauty it must be a difficult time. The title was was well selected, it said it all.



*StarfishB*Plot
The story flowed well and as the woman tries to make herself beautiful once more, she becomes exasperated with the futility. Dressing in unsuitable attire for a woman of her age she sets out to achieve the impossible. She has a flashback to a time long gone, past the time of her peak and to a time she felt people were turning on her. She knew she was being overtaken by the next generation of beautiful people and relegated to a lesser role. There were some good descriptive phrases which I particularly liked, when she describes herself as a desolate building, a broken mirror with all it’s cracks
She speaks of beauty as if it was a person, “why have you left me?”
When she reaches the old theatre and flashes back to the time she felt others were turning on her, delegating her to a secondary role, I must admit I was a little confused. Maybe by letting the reader know who these other characters were and a little about them may have cleared things up a little. However I can see that this was in a mind of a crazed woman who was intending to go out in a dramatic fashion.


*StarfishB* Characters
There was only one character really throughout this tragic story, that of Noya, You paint a wonderful word picture of this ageing beauty, her despair and her experiences.


*StarfishB*Climax
The ending was inevitable from the outset. She was uncaring about the pain of her cut hand, she just wanted to make the headlines again, which she surely would have done in the next day’s news. However she may not have enjoyed the headlines as they probably would have described her as an ageing beauty queen.


*StarfishB*Suggestions
As I’ve mentioned previously the flashback was a little confusing, the only other thing was the word prot, did you mean understudy perhaps? You mentioned that word twice she turned the knob to find her protsitting in her seat, Another mention was until the knife was sunk deep into her back by her prot.





*StarfishB*Parting Comments
The story was dramatic, I could imagine the whole scene. Well done.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket
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Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, 🌕 HuntersMoon

Thank you for sharing your story. "It's Just Coffee..." I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
I enjoyed reading this delightful lighthearted story. The conversation between the two characters flowed well and seemed natural.



*StarfishB*Plot
It’s a simple story, a tale as old as time itself. A meeting up of lovers, their past relationship had lost it’s way, or run it’s course. Maybe it was bad timing, but the reader can see that there is a chance for them to rekindle the spark. There were no surprises to be had, and as soon as the female character had him back in home territory, then the outcome was inevitable.



*StarfishB* Characters
Julie seemed to be the stronger of the two characters in this story. Her sense of humour was delightful, I could see the ironic slight smile on her lips at all times. Chris seemed a little out of his depth, Julie was a little quicker in the humour department. Although he certainly came into his own when he asked whether he should call her in the morning or nudge her!



*StarfishB*Climax
A nice ending, it would have been a shame if there had been some obstacle in the way of the two lovers finding happiness, after being apart for several years.


*StarfishB*Suggestions
The only error I spotted was in the line say, would do you have time for a cup of coffee? just drop the would or do





*StarfishB*Parting Comments
A nice read on a wet, winter’s afternoon in Oz. Thanks for sharing.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket
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Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with Under Construction: MHWA  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Gunny

Thank you for sharing your story. "Exercise in Settings"  I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
Thank you for giving me a glimpse back into your childhood. I realise these are simply random thoughts. These are snapshots of your past as you remember them and I enjoyed reading about them.


*StarfishB*Plot
As these are simply settings you are intending to use in a longer story there is no actual plot. However you painted a word picture of a time long ago, when children played out until dark and it was safe.



*StarfishB* Characters
The characters are your childhood self and your relatives. Grandma, Nana, your cousins, and your neighbourhood friends. In your mind it was always Summer. You remember the bats and the iceman. He delivered ice on his cart, dispensing ice chips to those hot, thirsty children. I can see it so clearly.



*StarfishB*Climax
Of course everything comes to an end, even after a perfect day. Parents making the universal cry which brings children into the safety of the home during the hours of darkness.


*StarfishB*Suggestions
At first I was a little confused with the settings as it jumped from Grandma’s to Nana’s to your streetscape opposite the nursery. But of course these are your memories and that is what memories do, flit from place to place and time to time.





*StarfishB*Parting Comments
Thank you for sharing your thought and memories of your childhood so long ago. I too was playing out on the street in the late forties and can relate to that carefree feeling knowing that our parents or grandparents were the ones we trusted to make life safe.
I’m reviewing this as part of the Mental Health Writer’s Alliance



Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket
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Review of Death Chamber  
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, willwilcox

Thank you for sharing your story. "Death Chamber"  I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
The title Death Chamber, was the first thing that drew me to read the story. The title was well chosen and suitable for the item.
I loved that most of the story was written in dialogue, with little background information. It read almost like a screenplay.


*StarfishB*Plot
The story flowed well, from the moment Simon Franks walks through the Lieutenant’s door. Mr Franks is sure he has a very short time to live, before Amos LaStrom, the evil crime lord finishes him off. Immediately the story starts to intrigue. Why has he so short a time to live? What is this information he is such a hurry to divulge? Through the story, one wonders if he is doing the right thing, and surely this is not an open and shut case. A feeling of impending doom is present throughout.



*StarfishB* Characters
Your description of Mr Franks is good. An image appears of a short, buggy eyed man, with rotten teeth. Jerome Hawkins, the police Lieutenant, appears to be an older man, but physically strong, especially when he threw Simon out of the sixth floor window!



*StarfishB*Climax
I did let out a little gasp when Hawkins suddenly threw Franks out of the window, I wasn’t expecting that, although I had my suspicions that Hawkins was a wrong’n.



*StarfishB*Suggestions
I loved the story it was well written, I just wonder if it rang true. Why would Franks suddenly decide after doing LaStrom’s dirty work for over ten years, to come to the police and tell all? Also, as Franks himself said he would be the last to be suspected of betraying him. I wondered why Hawkins would be in cahoots with a mass murderer. For money? Or was he himself a killer, using the Death Chamber along side his mate LaStrom?





*StarfishB*Parting Comments
Thank you for sharing your grim tale. I enjoyed it and suspended belief for a few minutes.



Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Ruby.  
Review by Sumojo
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi there, I went to your portfolio after you revised my version of Ruby, just to have a look around, and saw you had entered the same contest. I loved your take on the story of Ruby.
The story flowed well and everything made sense at the end when she came out of her coma, and the reader realised all the earlier events had happened in her unconscious mind. Well done! I loved it.
Cheers Sue
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Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, DauntlessDruid

Thank you for sharing your story. "The Stranger at My Door" I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
After my first reading I wanted more. I think it’s a great start for a novel.



*StarfishB*Plot
The plot so far is about a psychic who has seen a vision of a girl being abducted. This girl was later found murdered. The first paragraph was good. Within that paragraph you gave the reader a lot of information. It introduced us to the intriguing character of Mallory Devlin, and that she had witnessed a murder of a girl called Kate. As is usual in the case of people who claim to have ‘second sight’ she is not believed. The suspect’s mother tries to get him exonerated.





*StarfishB* Characters
There is a good cast of characters in this story, with plenty of opportunity to expand on each of their stories. Mallory so far is an enigma, the reader will be keen to hear of her Gift and how it has affected her throughout her life. Lara, the private detective is intriguing, as is her relationship with Zeke, the policeman on the murder case. Your descriptions of the police were very good, I could picture them both in the interview scene with Mallory. Mallory herself was a little more of an enigma, a bit more description of her would be good.



*StarfishB*Climax
Obviously this is just the first chapter, but so far so good. I will be pleased to read more to see how everything evolves. When Zeke reveals Mallory’s name to Lara, at the end of the chapter, I did wonder if maybe it was someone Lara knew?


*StarfishB*Suggestions
I know you didn’t really need examples of grammar and spelling pointing out, but could I suggest you watch your use of adverbs? I noticed during the interrogation scene you used “sarcastically” three times in eight sentences. I wasn’t sure of the word infactactly in the sentence,”I didn’t tell you any of this,” he said, infactactly





*StarfishB*Parting Comments
I really like this start to your novel, it has all the elements for a good story. There are couple of intriguing women, one a spirited, in more ways than one, psychic, and a female private eye with a history with a detective. Lots to get your teeth into. I wish you luck with your writing. Well done.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
267
267
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, mjoshmo

Thank you for sharing your story. "Unfortunately, The Milk "  I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
The title I found intriguing, leading me to read the whole story. As I read I smiled and did so until the end. It is a delightful tale.



*StarfishB*Plot
The premise is someone makes a wish which comes true. She wishes to meet her favourite author who happens to be Neil Gaiman. The reader doesn’t realise until the last chapter that it is all a dream, well I imagine it is! You display a wonderful imagination throughout.
The first paragraph was one I enjoyed the most. You took approximately 150 words to describe meeting your idol and shaking his hand. Just lovely. In that paragraph the lines I most enjoyed: bubble of time around me, like a mosquito in amber. I thought that was beautiful. Also: Reality swatted the top of my head with a newspaper, Sometimes I need a swat across the head with a newspaper to wake me up!




*StarfishB* Characters
The character M, I suspect is yourself and how you imagine you would respond to meeting your idol. The interaction between you and Neil is comedic, and spontaneous. The character of Mr Gaiman is well drawn, he comes across as personable and very likeable with a modesty that is endearing.



*StarfishB*Climax
Well what can I say about the Climax? For a start it was most unexpected, the imagery was well described, I could almost see a sailing ship above my head, ducking as the heavy rope ladder narrowly misses me. What an amazing birthday gift.


*StarfishB*Suggestions
There was very little I could suggest to improve this piece only that I was confused as to whether it was the waiter who spun the tea-pot or Neil. I presume it was Neil as it was a flamboyant action, which seemed to go with the remainder of the story.





*StarfishB*Parting Comments
I loved this story, it’s quirkyness (if there is such a word) and comedic style. Thank you so much for sharing. I look forward to reading more of your portfolio.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of A Gingham Girl  
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Ned
Let me first welcome you to WdC. It is a place where you can share your poetry and stories with like minded people. They will appreciate your work, and give thoughtful and respectful feedback.
I dropped by your portfolio and read your poem "A Gingham Girl" and these are my reflections on your piece. I enjoy reading poetry, but I don’t consider myself as knowledgeable. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


What I Really Liked
I liked the subject, it reminded me of the movie La La Land, which was one of my all time favourites. You describe a young woman’s dream of being a star and at sometime in the future, walking down the red carpet. but deep inside she had red carpet dreams I could see her in her red checkered apron, dreaming of getting out of her small town and heading toward the bright lights of Hollywood.


Poetic Conventions Used
Your use of figurative language when you call her a gingham girl, was good. I liked the use of Assonance chattering people and clattering dishes You made good use of repetition, employing it wisely. You implied although she had fled her town and was where she wanted to be nothing really had changed. Men who eyed her with salacious gleam. Those men were everywhere, she couldn’t escape them.
I liked the terms, a square life, and a gingham world, which somehow tied in with her checkered uniform and a life hemmed in by borders.
Your character’s awareness that beauty as an asset is bittersweet was poignant.

Suggestions to Consider
The only suggestion I feel equipped to make was the rhythm of the poem. I read it out aloud, as that is how I ascertain if a piece flows well or not. A few of the verses I found didn’t flow as smoothly as others. Verses three and eight had a really lovely rhythm and I think it has something to do with the amount of syllables in each line.Try to keep the same syllable count, this helps to keep a nice rhythm.

Parting Comments
This was a lovely poem which I really enjoyed reading. I look forward to returning to your portfolio as you further expand it.

Reviewed by Sumojo
Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of A Profound Place  
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
hello paul

Thank you for sharing your story. "A Profound Place" I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful


*StarfishB*First Impressions
I was drawn to read your story by the title. A Profound Place is the perfect title for this story, as that the word Profound in the context of emotion, means intense. The emotions you experienced on your first passing the USS Arizona in Pearl Harbour, were certainly profound, and are still very much with you today as you relate the experience.

*StarfishB* Characters
The characters in the piece are yourself, and the ship. The ship itself is certainly a character in her own right. I could almost feel the connection you and her had, as you sought out a private place to enjoy her strength, and her heart beat. The other character is you, although we didn’t get a physical description, we are aware of your need for solitude. We know you’re someone who appreciates the beauty of machinery and technology. Also that you are someone who values the lives of the many who died in the service of their country.

*StarfishB*Description
I really enjoyed your descriptions of your time aboard the aircraft carrier, being only one among 3,000, whom you describe as meat puppets. I’ve never heard that expression before, but I suppose that is all we really are in this theatre we call life.
I appreciated how you attempted described the smell of the sea. It’s a hard one to describe accurately, but salt, with undertones of fish, and green things, is as good as anything I’ve heard.
I could almost see you standing, mouth open to catch some of the salty spray in your mouth.
There was a soft, barely felt thumping that was several beats a minute faster than my heart.... but in five minutes they were beating together. I particularly enjoyed that line, as it points to the fact you saw the ship as a real live being with a life of her own.
Adding the photograph of your ship passing the Arizona adds another dimension and realism to the story. It must be a surreal feeling to gaze down upon the wreck and think of all those young lives lost.
The only suggestion for improvement I may offer is, you wrote, the intense feelings of Peace and The Worlds Okay maybe would have been better italicised, or simply left lower case instead of capitalising the words. Also world’s has an apostrophe.

*StarfishB*Parting Comments
Thank you for sharing this snapshot of your service in the Navy. It was a delightful read.

Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Captured  
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Scribbler

Thank you for sharing your story. "Captured"  I am currently completing lesson five of the Rockin’Reviewers Academy. As I searched for a suitable short story to review I came across this one, and it is fair to say it captured my heart. I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful



*StarfishB* Setting
The story is set in the home of the main character Drew. The first scene is a dream sequence relating to when his daughter nine-year-old Chelsea goes missing. She climbs the slide in the park but never reappears. This first chapter was what drew me to read the story in it’s entirety. It surely must be every parent’s worst nightmare to lose a child. This was a strong start to the story, and a situation I’ve personally had experience of, which thankfully was one which was resolved after thirty minutes of panic.
The setting is a place of intense unhappiness and fear. Drew describes the morning when his daughter actually was abducted. The description of the day was good. The morning light with long shadows formed by the rising sun was evocative and the reader sensed that the place was deserted save for a lonely jogger.

*StarfishB* Plot
The story flows well. It begins when Drew is paralysed by the shock, unable to function until he has the inevitable break down in the bathroom. I particularly liked the phrases, fractured image, and, Like some schizophrenic picture, after he’d put his fist through the mirror. This event shocked him into action, waking him from his stupor. He is then able to remember the clue that will eventually lead to the discovery of his daughter’s whereabouts. The only thing I had any doubts about was that Drew said he was embarrassed to admit he couldn’t stop focusing on the fact five little girls had been murdered in the last six months. Maybe it would be more truthful to say he was “plagued by images when he thought of the five little girls.” The police resume their investigation and the story continues on to a satisfying conclusion.

*StarfishB*Conflict
Drew is tortured by the realisation he was unable to protect the ones he loved and by the guilt of not remembering the evidence he had in his possession sooner. This would have saved his child from three weeks of captivity at the hands of a psychotic killer. It would have been difficult, if not impossible, to forgive himself for not thinking of the film in his camera. However the police were also at fault for not thinking to look at the camera footage, as they would have been informed of the reason Drew and Chelsea were at the park so early in the day. He berates himself for not being able to hold on to thoughts until he at last remembered the vital piece of evidence. “this time I plucked it from my tortured mind and nurtured it until it opened like a flower” I thought that line was particularly poignant.

*StarfishB*Characters
The main character in the story is Drew McCann. The reader is aware of his fragile emotional state throughout, this is well described as he experiences the roller coaster of emotions, shock, helplessness, extreme anger, hope and relief. There is no physical description of Drew, leaving the reader to form their own picture.
Chelsea was another character whom, although we never saw her, we heard her voice “Did you capture me Daddy?” they were the words that gave the story its title. The word, capture, became a word with two very separate meanings as Chelsea was captured from the park by an unknown assailant.
*StarfishB*Theme
The ongoing theme was one of fear and anxiety. We shared these emotions with Drew throughout, each of us praying for a happy ending.

*StarfishB* Climax
The story reached its climax as we waited along with Drew to find out if the film footage was going to be useful, would it actually capture the kidnapper, and even if it did, would the police be able to apprehend him in time? We didn’t discover the details of Chelsea’s rescue. The final paragraph in the psychiatrist’s office still left the reader wondering about the outcome, until it was revealed the appointment had been for Chelsea, and a year had passed since the kidnapping. The reader was able to give a sigh of relief.

*StarfishB* Parting Comments
I noticed you wrote Captured, ten years ago. If written today a few details would have to be changed. The camera in question may not actually have film, it would probably be digital. Drew was unable to leave his house because he was waiting for a phone call from the police. This too wouldn’t happen today as we all possess mobile phones and are in constant contact wherever we are.
However this could easily be fixed if the story had 2009 in the title.
I really enjoyed this story, the tension was real and I was along for the ride with Mr McCann. The ending was satisfying, leaving me to hope they did manage to live happily ever after.
Well done.

Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello {suser:Professor Q}
I am a student member of the Rockin’ Reviewers Academy, currently considering poetry and it’s complexities.


I dropped by your port and read your poem "The Rights of Women"  and these are my reflections on your piece. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


What I Really Liked.
The thing that made me stop and read your poem was the subject matter. The rights of women are close to my heart. I enjoyed your light hearted take on what is a serious subject. You took what could be seen to be a lecture in poetry form, to one of encouragement and persuasion in a humorous and satirical manner.
I loved the humour and satire of the piece, although in the penultimate verse, it did appear as if you may have been tarring all men with the same brush, with the line ”This man, like all men, ain’t nothing like at the ball”
I loved how you allude to the literary figures of fairy stories and how you drew comparisons between the fictional characters and females who still believe they need a man to fulfill them.


Poetic conventions used.
I enjoyed your use of enjambment throughout the piece, resulting in a poem that flowed well especially when read out aloud as you suggested at the beginning of the piece. I particularly liked the line ”These shoes aren’t what you want, they’ll shatter like your hopes,” when referring to Cinderella’s glass slipper, using it as a metaphor for shattered dreams
.

Suggestions to consider.
I don’t really have any suggestions, as I don’t feel qualified to suggest anything which would improve the piece, other than to mention the line which I found confusing. ” Be anything but what you want to be, unless what you want to be is what we want to see”. The first part of the sentence seems contradictory.
The only other comment would be the fact that each line begins with a capital letter. For me, it loses much of the meaning of the enjambment . I realise though that it is a well used method of poetry writing and a personal choice.



Parting Comments.
I really enjoyed reviewing this poem. I loved the subject matter, and the humour with which it was composed. It would appeal to many who read it, but particularly young women on the cusp of womanhood. The poem points out,in a satirical manner, the fact that numerous women over the years, have fought for rights and conditions, which today enable women to be on an equal footing to their male counterparts. Thank you for an enjoyable read.
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Review of Annie  
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hello suser:carlton607}

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful



*StarfishB* First impression My first impressions were, after reading the story through several times, ones of concern for the poor lady. She sounded as if she may have been under the influence of an hallucinogenic drug! I, along with her was in a state of confusion. It never became clear what it was in Annie’s past, that frightened her so.



*StarfishB* What I liked} I do enjoy a story which includes a good and faithful companion. Buster is my kind of guy, protecting his mistress until the end. The story, about a woman who has a secret past, whose only companion is a dog could be quite a fine premise for a good tale in the right hands..


*StarfishB*Suggestions My first suggestion would be for you, the writer, to read your submission before placing it for public scrutiny. Read it out loud, this will help you hear if there are any parts you think may need re-writing.
Use your spell check app after finishing a piece of writing. This will ensure that at least every word is spelled correctly, there are numerous spelling errors in this story, too many for me to point them out in this review.
Please be careful using the word, was. You used it seven times in the first five lines. You mention three times in the first three sentences that Annie screamed, it would be best to omit a couple of these. When you first introduce Buster it would read better if you put all the information about him at the same time instead of randomly mentioning aspects of him out of context. Something like Buster was a mixed breed, Annie remembered how playful he was when a puppy.
When you mention that Annie loved to knit socks, were you inferring she was caring and kind with many friends? If so, simply writing she knitted socks in her spare time lacks relevant information.
You mentioned her eyes on a couple of separate occasions, each time describing a different shade of blue, for the sake of continuity it is best to choose just one.
Your descriptions are contradictory, you mention Annie’s face frozen in the heat. Petrified but calm. Peaceful slumber but woke in a chilling puddle? Try to keep the story straight or it becomes impossible for the reader to understand your meaning.
Annie wondered why Buster did that? What was that exactly? When you wrote that Buster knew Annie would never referred to him as a mut. It would have sounded better if you wrote that Buster knew Annie loved him, and would never abuse him.
I wasn’t expecting Annie to die, after all she apparently had been restored to her former healthy self. An unexpected ending is often a good thing, it takes the reader by surprise. In this case though it didn’t add to the story or make it more interesting.



*StarfishB*Comments On the whole the story is confusing. I think a re-write is called for. Maybe the writer is wanting the reader to comprehend that the whole scenario was all in Annie’s drugged up mind. Then it may make more sense. She has overdosed and at first Buster is in the room and then he’s disappeared. In her confused state, she is young, blonde and beautiful, but her mind is playing tricks on her. Please let me know if that is what you had in mind when you wrote this story. I would very much like to read it again after you have fixed up the spelling and grammar.
Do please keep on writing, it’s not an easy road, but one worth the effort.



Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket
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Review of Even A Snail Will  
Review by Sumojo
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Monochrome, I hope you don’t mind me saying that your name sounds as if you think you may be colourless? I would say after reading your story you have a colourful imagination.
Well, I have just finished reading, Even a Snail Will. I must say I’d never thought about getting under a snail’s shell before. You certainly made me appreciate one of God’s creatures that I may have ‘accidentally ‘ trodden on in the past.
I liked that you gave him an identity, you described his day to day activities really well. We all have people in our lives that we see, maybe have a chat to, but they are so busy getting on with their lives they really have no time for us.
Thank you for giving Snail a story.
Well done, thanks for sharing.
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Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello suser:Owolugandapete

Thank you for sharing your story."MY OBESE YET HEALTHY PARADOX"  I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful



*StarfishB* First impression
. First of all, let me welcome you to WdC.



I really enjoyed your observation piece regarding society’s obsession with weight and all that surrounds the topic. I’m presuming that English may not be your first language? If so you have done a remarkable job.





*StarfishB* What I liked Having read many articles on the subject of obesity, yours stands apart, as you raise the complex issue of culture in this regard. People from Western countries might never have previously considered that those who are fat or obese, could be lauded as being prosperous or healthy in another culture. It certainly opened my eyes to that fact, and also to the predicament you personally may find yourself in having to explain the Paradox.
You also raised the subject of social media, and its part in the whole obsession with weight, beauty and health. I agree with your view that each of us should be able to wear what we want, and to eat a variety of foods in moderation, and not be so constrained by what is considered to be socially acceptable. I liked the way you opened the subject up for discussion. You asked the question of the reader of how to explain to your friends and relatives the different outlooks.



*StarfishB*Suggestions As I mentioned at the start I thought the whole piece, well written. It would have been easier to read if the really long paragraph had been spaced out more. Other than that I found little to suggest which would improve this observation piece. Your grammar and spelling are good.



*StarfishB*Comments To sum up I think you did a fantastic job of bringing the subject out into the open. I really hope you get a good response from others that may read this article. It is thought provoking. I love your outlook on life, may you continue eating, drinking and wearing what pleases you. Well done.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket
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Review of Benjamin  
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Stan


Thank you for sharing your story. "Benjamin"  I hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful



*StarfishB* First impression I really liked this story. It gave an insight to the plight of the homeless in our communities. However Benjamin didn’t recognise his situation as a plight, he was thankful for everything he had. I could hear his voice. A slow Southern drawl. Well, it was to my ear, maybe everyone hears voices differently when listening to a character on a page.



*StarfishB* What I liked I liked how you conjured up a word picture for the reader. Although you didn’t give a physical description of Benjamin or his age I could tell he was a gentle man. Of course I imagine his skin colour was meant to surprise at the end?



*StarfishB*Suggestions I have a few observations, none about the way the story is written but about grammar, punctuation and line spacing. Having all your i’s in lower case I found distracting and I wasn’t sure if you meant to do it deliberately. It is a beautiful story and one worth spending time on, ensuring a good edit.



*StarfishB*Comments There are many lessons we can all take from this story. One of compassion and understanding of our fellow man.
Writing in the first person can be difficult to pull off successfully, and I feel you did a good job. I’m looking forward to reading more of your work. Well done.





Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket
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