To begin, I am including an edited version of your work here below. My corrections have been made in red, and I hope these are helpful to you. First, you may not have noticed this, but your title is incorrectly spelled - it should be "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do". I will cover my technical take on this piece, then my creative impressions later beneath the edit copy.
Your writing is very to-the-point, which lends itself well to the action portions of this work, but it lacks a great deal of detail that I feel would give this piece more impact. Also, make that you use commas and proper punctuation to separate your sentences and phrases so that your writing keeps the structure that helps it make the most sense to the reader. The other technical note I had for you: I noticed an overuse of the words/phrases "as" and "as I", as well as "but". Be careful when you are writing that you select alternative ways to write something so that you maintain enough variety that your reader does not get bored.
There were also some places where your phrasing was convoluted and potentially confusing (it required multiple reads to get the idea clearly) - here is an example: "As I moved behind him he began to fall backwards from the pressure applied on his wrist and shoulder as I pulled his knife hand further and further back." - some rewriting could help this to be more clear to your reader.
One night I took the path to the stream to go over and meet in secret for a late-night campfire. The stars were out and I could see quite well, as only an occasional cloud floated overhead, unnoticed. I took the last bite of an apple as I reached the stream, tossing the core into the grass as I found the path that led to the campsite.
As I approached our spot I could see the campfire, but right away I could tell something was wrong. I could make out two other boys there and hear the sounds of fighting. I hurried up to the camp, trying to make out what was happening, when I finally saw my boyfriend lying on the ground being kicked by the other boys. Our eyes met only for an instant as he cried “Stop, please, take her instead,” pointing at me as I stood there.
The two boys did stop. They both looked right at me and smiled then, breaking into a run, they came after me. I turned and bolted down the path, my mind reeling, trying to make sense of it all. As I reached the end of the path I had to stop to catch my breath, and I could tell they would be on me in a moment. I looked left and right for someplace to hide but it was too late, there was no time.
He came in with an overhand swing with the blade. As I look back at it now I remember all the training I had and the arguments I would have with my sensei. I would say I knew the technique already, and he would answer “You know the technique consciously, but you need to know it in your subconscious. You need to know what to do without thinking about it, by just letting the technique flow through you.”
And flow it did. I blocked with my left arm but his swing was too hard and came crashing through my defense and the knife cut my scalp. But it was too late; my right hand came up hard into his throat and instantly starting him coughing. Grabbing his wrist in my left hand and stepping around him I twisted, grabbing with my other hand as well. As I moved behind him he began to fall backwards from the pressure applied on his wrist and shoulder as I pulled his knife hand further and further back. As he fell I kept twisting until he dropped the knife and I heard the loud pop of his arm dislocating itself.
This time his (edit out: 'other') friend did tackle me, and over we went onto the grass with him on top of me. I found it hard to draw breath as he punched me hard in the face. My vision began to blur as I felt him pulling at my pants. He pulled twice, ripping my clothes before I reached up and grabbed both sides of his shirt collar with each hand, (edit out: 'with') my arms in a crisscross. Then I pulled in tight, using my arms like (edit out: 'a') scissors to close around the arteries in his neck . As our faces came closer he stopped pulling at my clothes. Then suddenly he started pulling away from me, trying to remain conscious, but I wasn’t letting go. He swung his fists at my face, and struggled frantically, but my grip only got tighter. He finally slumped over into darkness as he passed out from the lack of blood to his head.
The other boy was realizing that his arm was useless and had come to the conclusion that he would be better off fleeing. So I found the knife and started after. He was having a hard time running with his arm dislocated so I caught up quickly. As I came up behind him I kicked the back of his leg, sending him to the ground hard.
* * * *
My ex-boyfriend was still sitting at the fire sobbing around his quivering fat lip when he saw me standing there. As he cried his eyes were (edit out: 'always') averted. The words came back to me now, “stop, please take her instead”, and became the only thing in my mind. Repeating over and over again like a broken record. Just then the knife must have caught the light because his attention went right to it and his glances kept going back to it.
That might have been the moment I lost it completely. I could feel the blood dripping down my forehead, and the bruises on my face. And looking down at him I could only think of what a sniveling coward he was. To betray me to thugs, and then not even try to help. He didn’t run to call the police, find help or anything - he just sat there crying.
I heard him scream as I cut off the first piece. A wild, panicked look on his face, and more screams as the second piece came off, then a third and a forth. The screams stopped but the pieces kept falling off one by one. One piece at a time I rebuilt my faith in humanity. I rebuilt my faith in justice, and established a foundation for vengeance. Piece by piece my anger left me and was replaced by a calm, overwhelming feeling of strength.
* * * *
My conviction was for fifteen years for one count of manslaughter. The other two were thrown out for self defense. I think they thought I was crazy - imagine that. The good thing was that I was released early due to overcrowding (they needed my space in prison for some kid that got caught smoking a joint or some such thing).
So now ten long years later as I stand here under the apple tree that grew from the seeds of that day, I see my new path. A path that has lead me to become a righteous vigilante. And so I find the knife that I hid so many years ago, and hold it close to my breast. The last ten years have resolved my thirst for revenge, a resolve to give violent criminals a taste of their own medicine.
I enjoyed your story - it was dark and striking as well as very easy to visualize. I am a martial artist myself, so I particularly liked your subject matter, and felt very connected to it. The twist of the boyfriend turning on her was an emotional punch that made the story very interesting. The core idea you have here is a very good one, and with some rewriting and careful editing, maybe some practice writing, you would have a fantastic piece! There are some things I would like to point out to you, give you my impressions as a reader and as a writer, that maybe will help you understand what to include in a rewrite.
I heard him scream as I cut off the first piece. A wild panicked look on his face, and more screams as the second piece came off, then a third and a forth. The screams stopped but the pieces kept falling off one by one. One piece at a time I rebuilt my faith in humanity. I rebuilt my faith in justice, and established a foundation for vengeance. Piece by piece my anger left me and was replaced by a calm overwhelming feeling of strength.
* This is actually my favorite part of your piece, and it is very intense. However, your lack of specification on what exactly she is doing to him makes me feel somewhat removed from it. When writing such a visual, violent moment it is advisable to give the reader a vivid description to latch onto - the more they have to think about what is going on here, the less involved they will be in the moment. Your choice of word "pieces" indicates something very specific already, but you do not elaborate further on what exactly she is cutting off and that makes it harder to connect with.
Your ending is very cool, plain and simple. I really like the idea of her being changed forever by this event - that it turned her into this angel of vengeance. This has the potential to be a very powerful short story - see what you can do with it, and challenge yourself to improve it! I hope you have found this feedback useful. I wanted to make it as detailed as possible because I believe that it can be even better, you have something very strong here already. Keep putting pen-to-paper!
~ Laura C. (TheDarkHuntress)
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