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26
26
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


I am including an edit-copy of your piece in this, as I felt it would be better for you to see the entire edited piece together rather than a line-by-line selection as I usually do when I review. I used popnotes for the most part, and denoted suggested additions to the next with parentheses in gold. Punctuation/spelling/conjugation/grammar corrections are in red, and strike-lines were used to show sections of the text that I felt could be removed completely without having any effect on the story.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* This idea is very whimsical, and original. It reminds me of childrens' fantasy stories that I loved as a child, and still find so pleasant to read today.

*Star* I like the character choice, these dwarves (if that is what they in fact were?), and their inferred dynamic. They were quite charming.

*Star* There were some really good moments of description and imagery in this piece that brought the scenery especially to life for me.

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Edit Copy:

They say that when the humans leave Green Mountain around the end of the day, if you are quiet enough you can here the whispers coming from behind the little waterfall, whose waters are as clear as glass and still no one can see what's really behind them.

On nights where the wind blows those cool refreshing breezes that gently caress the trees, the whispers emerge from behind the crystal waters. One by one the 4 little men walk through the waterfall, each carrying a little bag with little tools. They skip along in a cheerful fashion, hoping to find what they're looking for. One stops short and gives notice to the others, as he looks down to get a closer view the other little men peer over his shoulder hoping to get a glimpse of what he finds. (It is) A small blue-leaved flower with thorns he sees. With a burst of excitement and a kick to the heel he cheerfully picks the flower, carefully so the thorns don't prick him, he runs back towards the waterfall, the others following closely behind him. As they barge into the crystal waters they go inside a cave. They reach the hearth. A small fire burns lightly, and over it (hangs) an iron pot filled with boiling water . Around are little hammocks, a fur rug in the center of the ground , nets, traps and fishing poles, and a bookshelf filled with one fat and old raggedy book.

The little men throw there bags on the ground. The little man who found the flower takes it out of his bag where he put it as he ran back to the cave. He gently lifts it out avoiding the prickers. Then he reaches into his tools and takes out these small wooden tweezers. With a smooth hand, he takes off the thorns one by one. With the flower at hand, he walks to the boiling pot of water and throws the flower in.

A huge boom sounds through the air, with enough energy to send the dreaming birds who sit every night perched on a tree near the waterfall into calamity. The little men are torched black but run towards the once boiling pot, which is now sending a blueish-grey smoke into the air. The little man who found the flower removes a dipper from his bag and submerges it into the pot. He slowly lifts the dipper out, the other little men fighting to get a peek, he places it in the center of the room. and drops the blue into the ground and like if a magician was at work a blue light appears from the ground. This quickly fades and a young sprout appears. With blinding speeds it grows and a young flower emerges from its stem, the flower opens up and the little man places his hand in front of it . Like if the flower knew where his hand was, it tilts over placing (there) what the 4 little men have been searching for since the last century. Four blue seeds . are in the little mans hands and he gives each of his comrades 1 and keeps the one that's left for himself. They prop it in their mouths and a shimmering spark of blue light appears. What happens next is quite interesting as you the audience might expect something mystical to happen but in reality the little men ate purifying beans, they turn any creature that eats it human. The little men feel so very lonely and every now and then they desire to be in the company of other creatures, they are immortal so they have to find the blue leaved thorny flower that makes them humans and gives them the freedom of socializing every 100 years. The magic only last a century so when the average human is not looking they sprint back to the crystal waters, back to the hearth where everything is how they left it. And their journey begins again, to find what brings them joy and acceptance into the world.

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Overall, I think this idea has a lot of potential, and you as a writer have a lot of potential. Focus on details and on blending the separate words and sentences of a piece into one whole, cohesive story instead of parts. Please don't be discouraged, as we all must learn and grow to become better writers and having our work critiqued is the best way to get there. You very obviously have a great creative mind and the will to do fantastic things with it! Best of luck in your writing - I would be happy to look again at any revised versions of this, or at anything else you might want an honest opinion on. Above all else, never stop writing!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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27
27
Review of A Reviewer's Sigh  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. My goal here is to provide you with a thorough, honest, and encouraging critique that will hopefully be helpful to you. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


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*Star* That was absolutely delightful! I was not sure what to expect when I opened it, but was pleasantly surprised to be swept off my feet by the playfulness of it! Really wonderful read, and it had a great sense of humor about itself that is very rare to see in poetry.

*Star* I loved the lilting rhythm of the phrases! I read it aloud to myself, savoring the cadence of each stanza, and then read it again in a sing-song just for good measure! It made me smile. With its witty edge and air of pure enjoyment, how could I not have just reveled in that?

*Star* Technically excellent, with no errors or mistakes that I caught. It read with effortless flow, had no snags, and was incredibly smooth.

*Star* This was my favorite part!:
You've caused a conversion
With your words' assertion.
This tale touched me right to my core.
Ignoring mechanics,
Hanging on to dynamics.
Isn't this what true poetry's for?
Just fantastic!

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I have no criticisms or suggestions for improvement to offer on this - it is exactly as it should be. I don't usually give ratings of '5' to anything, and almost never to poetry, but this brought me so much joy in the minute that I read it, it deserves the highest rating I can bestow upon it. I do wish I had something more critical to offer you, but I honestly cannot think of anything I would change about this piece! A rare occurrence for me!

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Thank you so much for sharing that - it shed a ray of clever sunshine into my day! Great job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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28
28
Review of Slynokio  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. My goal is to help in any way that I can through being honest and encouraging. Please take what you need from this and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


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This is going to be in a slightly different format than my usual approach to reviewing, so bear with me please. I wanted to include an edit copy of the work instead of doing a selective critique as I normally would. I made this decision because I believe it will benefit you more to have the entire piece actively edited for you to look at. Please do not be discouraged by this - my intentions are only to help you by offering forthright critique of your work and suggestions for improvement.

My additions and suggestions will be in red, either edited directly into the text or set apart by a PopNote. Anything you see that is crossed out without a PopNote addendum is something I feel should be removed from the piece entirely.

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Eyes piercing out from the bushes into the clearing. Those eyes followed every move the eldest woman went , following her. She stopped to pick out berries from a mullberry bush. Suddenly the invader decided to move in. Slowly, crouched very low to ground level, it moved. One paw after the other, it was well aware that at any slight sound the woman would realize she was being a target.
Suddenly the woman realized something was wrong. None of the birds was singing their usual songs, nor were rabbits running around in the field. Quickly, she turned from the bush to the clearing, looking for why she felt what she felt. Nothing. Grass swayed by the wind. Meanwhile the predator stopped, waiting for her to return to picking berries, seeing the woman alerted on its presence.
A cry from a bald eagle flying overhead broke the silence. It was enough to scare the lady. She took off, running as fast as she could. Seeking to eat, the dark-colored dragon jumped, unfolding its large wide wings to catch a warm current to take it up into the air. It succeeded. The dragon's scales glistened in the sun. It watched the lady, finding speed and height to snatch her and take her into its liar to feast. This wasn't its first time in need of food risking death if it doesn't eat soon. Then it swooped down, keeping the lady in sight the entire time.
Success, it was able to snatch her and carry her into its lair. There, it made a quick jerk of her head, knocking the lady out. Then it watched her lay writhing and panting helplessly. She was wounded greatly and bleeding to death. Then she screamed , the last noise made before her final breath. Then stillness. Then the dragon ate her, tearing apart meat from bone and swallowing it. In the end of the meal, there was nothing left but bones left untouched.
Slynokio was a two week old dragon, very new to life on earth. He was one of the last of dragonkind. There was a brood that hatched right after the last of all dragons was killed. He was one of the ten. Sly has never met or seen a human before. If he did, he wouldn't even have known it. Sly's dark black color gives him an unique advantage among tall grass and soil. The soil itself was pure black from nutrition .
Slynokio was tired from the kill. He went into the small room he made to sleep in . After settling down he fell fast asleep. In his dream he was all grown up. He saw spirits of old dragons coming down from the stars to stand beside him. Then they started to talk, one by one. Each one gave him a speech of their own. The speeches itselves was regarding to one subject. It was like his mother and father talking to him while he was inside his egg still, forming. Enjoying every minute of it, he listened, becoming somewhat aware now of it .
A scream rung down into Slynokio's lair. Hearing it, he tried to wake up unsuccessfully. He was at that stage of sleep where paralysis overtook him. Helpless, he heard the scream over and over again. After minutes passed, he became unaware of his surroundings and fell into a deep sleep. Then he stopped dreaming and became fully into an altered state of conscious.
The next day Slynokio woke up. He yawned, feeling happy. One thing that bugged him is remembering spirits coming down and giving speeches, and also the piercing scream that echoed in his sleep too. Slowly, he walked out of his home, stretching with each step. After feeling the relaxation of the muscles throughout every inch of his body, he relaxed . A young boy was skipping around in the meadow. Sly smiled.
Then the boy came up by Sly, unafraid. He stood tall with his shoulders back, as if he's always been with dragons. Curious, Sly turned and faced him. This was the first time he's ever met a prey so fearless in meeting him face to face.
"Good morning. I see you are out of your lair," the boy said loudly, not in a shout.
Hello. What brings you near me? I am much larger than you, Sly was curious.
"You are a very newborn dragon. I've worked with your parents. I loved them," was the boy's reply.
You know what? I'm beginning to see you as a friend.
"Friend or enemy, if you let me, I will teach you things dragons absolutely need to know."
Okay. When should your teaching began ?
"Right away tomorrow . Meet me at this very spot. For Then, I'll tell you all that I know of dragons and their history as well as when humans became involved."
That sounds like a deal to me.
Sly watched as the boy left, wondering what will come. He had high hopes, being young and unexperienced . As he watched the boy leave, he became thirsty. Preparing for flight, he looked as the pond was seen at a distance. He leapt into the air and then flew to the lake. There he landed and enjoyed a refreshing drink, filling his thirst.
A flash in the sky alarmed and alerted Sly. He immediately looked up. Out of nowhere, a yellow dragon flew , heading towards the mountains. He immediately fell in love with that dragon . Thinking of nothing other than the dragon he saw flying overhead and disappearing into the mountains, he went back into his own lair to prepare for tomorrow.
First, he made the floor muddy all around. Then he moved the mud, forming stumps and decorations. Then, just as he did with the roof, he crystallized the mud so it would not fall apart. Pleased at how the cave looked, he decided to go outside for a flight.
Outside his lair the yellow dragon he saw earlier was observing the area. She was completely oblivious to the fact there was a black dragon watching her. He watched, recognizing the fact the other dragon was absolutely beautiful and charming . Then she turned around and saw him. Not knowing what he was himself even after talking with a boy , he started to back away from her.
Hello she said, moving closer.
Who are you? Sly was still scared of her.
I am apparently the one you admire.
Well, you make me feel all warm and strange inside.
Invite me into your lair. I would love to see more of what your personality is.
Chills going down through his spine, Sly was excited. He never had a friend before. He showed her the way into his lair. Then he took her to the main room, the place with the most decorations in it as well as stumps. She made a low,sounding squeal of pleasure. Then she turned and faced him.
Can I stay with you in your dwelling?
As long as you want to. Yes you can stay with me.
I will sleep out here tonight. Now, let's find a meal to eat together.
Sly became a little clumsy in his steps. He was hungry from a day of not eating anything and talking to first a human, then another dragon. He followed her out. Then he realized his hunting skills wasn't good at all. He would have to learn from her, and the boy who promised to teach about the history of dragons and when humans came around. First the girl dragon fell asleep. He watched as she breathed deeply in and out. After awhile then he fell asleep too, dreaming of having exciting adventures.

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I say again, please do not be discouraged by this! I want to help, and this is the only way that we can improve as writers. Sometimes it can be tough to see a lot of red on the page, but we learn from it and we move past it to become more seasoned writers who are intimately familiar with our strengths and weaknesses. You have a great creative mind, that much is clear, and a good grasp of the use of imagery in fantasy fiction. I hope I have able to help here with the more technical side of it. Remember, no matter what you should NEVER give up! Write on!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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29
29
Review of The Fly  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

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This was a very interesting piece, and nice to read something preceding the Cramp entry involving this same character.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* I liked the direction the story is taking, and way it is set up. It all seems so mundane, lulling the reader into a false sense of security i'm sure, for the big changes that are coming for this character.

*Star* Stylistically speaking, it was slightly manic and disjointed, with no pronouns used in so much of the lines, but it seemed to work for this particular piece and its tone.

*Star* An intriguing idea and compelling character that definitely makes me want to read more.

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Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

I guess I should start at the beginning, before my whole life to the express lane straight to the seventh ring of Hell.
*Check* This doesn't quite make sense. It feels like it should read something like ', before my whole life became the express lane straight to the seventh ring of Hell' or along those lines. You see my point, i'm sure. Its current wording is awkward and confusing for the reader.

Average Thursday morning, Average coffee.
*Check* That 'A' in the second 'average' should not be capitalized.

As a programmer, everything seems kind of average until your fully immersed in your code,
*Check* Two things in this sentence. I placed a comma for you, and the highlighted word should be 'you're'.

“Hey Fitch,” two cubicles down, I think his name's Mike,
*Check* I place an apostrophe here for you - slang is fine, and even encouraged as far as I am concerned, in First-Person Present-Tense Narrative, but we still have to watch our punctuation.

“Thought about headed to the bar, wanna come?”, to Hell with it,. I’ll let him brag today, I don’t care.
*Check* The highlighted word within the quotations is not grammatically correct, and I find it difficult to believe that someone as clearly intelligent as he would not speak with at least basic proper grammar. It should be 'heading' in this context. Also I removed a comma and replaced it with a period, then placed a comma in the next line.

Headphones back in, swimming threw my sea of seemingly incoherent glyphs and symbols.
*Check* 'In' should be 'on', 'threw' should be 'through' here.

With four cold ones down and a fifth on the way, I hear someone next to me complaining about his girlfriend, and how he thinks she’s cheating on him.
*Check* Placed another comma here for you.

That is, it’s not too far unless you get about a dozen steps down the sidewalk and the bar brawl get taken to the street.
*Check* Should be 'gets' there I think, unless you want to use a different phrase entirely, like 'moved to the street' or 'brought onto the street'.

Work on a few personal programs, debug the password program, shouldn’t have taken ten minutes for a sever number password.
*Check* I think that word was supposed to be 'seven?

*Check* One other thing I noticed that you want to be wary of - tense-skipping. This skipped between past and present tense quite a lot, and it was quite confusing in some places. I have this same issue sometimes in my own work, and I know it can be a hassle, we just have to make sure we're triple-checking our work.

*Check* This is just an aesthetic observation, but you might want to consider formatting the piece, so that the dialogue and paragraphs are all separated. Doing so would give the reader's eye more room to absorb the text, and thus make it less jumbled in their minds, making for an overall more pleasurable reading experience. This will translate into better reception of your work.

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Overall, a great idea that I would love to see more polish on, and more detail! I definitely want to know what happens to this guy next! Good job.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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30
30
Review of Deception  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


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This is really good, thank you for sharing it here. I know writing about deeply personal things can be challenging, but ultimately is very rewarding. Others too will read this and understand it, commiserate with it, and then you have touched someone else, made a difference.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* I loved the style of this. It was raw, edgy, almost angry but tinged with an unmistakable bitterness that undercut that sharp edge.

*Star* The tone was a perfect compliment to the subject matter, which was very pertinent and is something that very many people could identify with. Even for those who can't immediately relate to it, it was written in such a way that one could still imagine it.

*Star* I loved the imagery you used to convey your thoughts and feelings. Some of them were very memorable and well chosen. Here is my favorite:
How does my brush,
Work for her hair?
Do my old brunette locks,
Clash with the blond?
That is so good!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

I never knew the cowardly lion would be my love.
I hope you don’t get bored, with the quiet river
*Check* The format of this poem was short, aggressive lines with a natural and fast-paced flow. So when I reached these two lines I felt like I had walked into a sliding glass door. They stand out and do not quite fit with the flow of the piece, considering their length and rhythm. You could break the first one after 'lion', and the second one after 'bored' to solve this issue.

*Check* There were a few instances of weird punctuation, and generally in poetry there seems to be a consensus of all or none when it comes to punctuation. I don't necessarily agree with that, as punctuation can be used to give stress and isolation for phrasing in poetry, but it must be used carefully. The question mark towards the end in this line:
Are the ones that have a medal?
I did not know for sure what to make of that, and it seemed wholly out of place when compared to the rest of the piece. Also, from the wording of the line itself does not warrant a question mark.

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Overall, I really liked this poem a lot, and enjoyed reading it! Great job!

and... *Rainbowl*Welcome to WdC!*Rainbowr*

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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31
31
Review of Flight of Freedom  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
The following review is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


This was just amazing - what a fantastic Flash piece! I loved it!

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* Great imagery in this! I felt as if I were right there along with the narrator, experiencing this thrilling moment. I can easily envision everything as it happened, and by that token felt very immersed in the story.

*Star* The writing was clear, concise, and had a wonderful style to it that made it unique but easy to read and enjoy. Your word choices were well-advised and descriptions were perfect, not too overbearing.

*Star* You struck a great balance between narrative and dialogue that made the piece seem real and believable. Technically this was excellent, and I could find no errors, typos, or mistakes to speak of.

*Star* This was my favorite line:
For precious fleeting moments I was a sylph soaring through the balmy air, freed from the heft of my oppression.
Awesome!


This is usually the part where I go over observations of how to improve the work, give suggestions, and include edit points, but I couldn't really find anything in this piece! I saw only one incredibly minor thing:

Adrenalin infused exhilaration issued from the depths of my soul, eradicating my fears. I unclamped my hands from the straps, and spread my arms open wide.
*Check*I highlighted it for you. It seemed to be like that should be hyphenated, 'adrenalin-infused' but that is an incredibly minor thing and in no way detracts from the piece.

Overall, I loved reading this, and thought the ending was perfect! I did not expect that the narrator would be blind. I love being surprised. Great job! Very nicely done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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32
32
Review of High Value  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The following review is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


I loved Flash Fiction, and this is an excellent example of how much you can do with only 300 words!

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* Great character development - you actually made the plot of the story the character development itself, and we got a wonderful glimpse into the personality of this older woman by being shown what she cared enough to risk her life for. Very nicely done.

*Star* The writing style in this was clear and concise, make the reading of the piece easy to take in and be immersed in, even for something so short. It had a good flow, too. There was no point of it that I felt it snagged.

*Star* Imagery in this was really fantastic! I could easily visualize what was happening, and how it would look. Here are my two favorite examples:
As she flew down the ladder from the attic, the house came to life, swirling around her like something out of a nightmare.
Eighty-one year old Marcie sat in the remains of the fireplace, with two albums clutched tightly in her arms.

*Star* Technically this was very sound, and I could find very little in the way of mistakes or errors.


Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

its unreal presence
*Check* I highlighted the word I wanted to suggest an alternative for. You could try using 'surreal' here, I think it might flow slightly better with the rest of the sentence. Just an aesthetic suggestion - there is nothing wrong with the way it is currently.

There was just her, which simplified things considerably.
*Check* This was the only error I found in the entire piece - one missing comma. I have placed it for you.

Overall this was an extremely enjoyable piece, and is a wonderful representation of why Flash Fiction holds a special place in my heart. Great job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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33
33
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Wow, I am very impressed! This piece was brilliant and unexpected, a true pleasure to read!

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* You combined strong storytelling skills with intriguing plot and clever twist, for an overall effect that was impacting and memorable. Taking such a small, seemingly harmless thing and turning it into something so awful was masterful, and took an incredibly creative mind. I just loved this concept!

*Star* The writing style was so clear and straightforward that I could easily visualize what was happening as the story progressed. You did a fantastic job of drawing the reader in from the start and immersing them in this short series of events.

*Star* With great pacing and solid formatting, reading this piece was read with an ease that assisted greatly in how enveloped I became. When a story can't find its rhythm and the format is chaotic and unsure of itself it gets lost in that jumble, falling short even if it is a great idea. But a streamlined and smoothly flowing piece has the exact opposite effect - it allows the reader space and room to get into the characters and into the story, and if you have an imagination like I do, forgetting that you are just sitting at a desk reading something on a screen. A reader can be transported! This achieved that!

*Star* Technically very sound - I found almost no error or mistakes to speak out, and sentence structure was mostly very balanced.


Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

The aromas of cheese enchiladas made Alice salivate,
*Check* I highlighted the issue for me here - 'aromas' should be singular here, as you would only be discussing one type of smell, 'aroma'

She proceeded to the bedroom, and positioned her purse, in its proper place, on the end of her dresser
*Check*There seem to be too many commas in this sentence, severely breaking up the flow of the idea here. You could rearrange the sentence to something like this 'She proceeded to the bedroom and positioned her purse on the end of her dresser, in its proper place.' to cut down on the comma-splicing.

Toeing off her medical clogs, she placed them side-by-side, in their proper place, on the floor of the closet.
*Check* This is obviously intentional repetition, and I don't really have an issue with it, but I do with the comma splicing. Just as in the preceding sentence. An easy solution to this one would be to remove the second comma altogether and you wouldn't really have to change anything else, unless you wanted to rewrite and exclude the repeated phrase.

He collected and repaired old movie camera and sold them at auction.
*Check* 'camera' should be plural here, 'cameras'

*Check* I admit I am a sucker for detail, and would have liked just a bit more here, about Alice more specifically. Such as her appearance, just to make her come alive a bit more for me. I did not connect with her as viscerally as I would have liked, and I think the inclusion of more descriptive detail would have helped with that.

*Check* One last thing - I thought that perhaps her paranoia could have been played up a little more. I did like how she kept going back to check the locks, but it felt like it could have been taken even a step further. Maybe a flashback to her attack, more jumpy at small noises. It just seemed so sudden and slightly unwarranted that she snapped completely like that, when she had seemed to have her fear under control before. As a reader, I would have liked maybe a little more foreshadowing that Alice was not as 'together' as she seemed in the beginning of the story.

Overall, an incredibly cool story with such a great ending. Very well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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Review of Fresh Grind  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WdC! The following review is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


I enter the Writer's Cramp fairly often (or, I did - my focus has been elsewhere the past month or so), and I know there were a few times I entered at the last minute too. It can be stressful, and we often don't have much time for editing or getting details the way we really want them. That being said, I still found it to be very intriguing. I will review what I see here, but I do understand that you wrote this hurriedly and will bear it in mind.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* There is a distinctly eerie tone to this piece that I found delightfully unsettling. As a fan of the horror genre, this was a really enjoyable read that definitely let me wanting more.

*Star* This was easy to visualize, and it reminded me of the creepy opening scene of a zombie film. Very cool, very interesting. My attention was immediately caught.

*Star* There were very few errors in this, and the writing style is clear and concise, which is helpful to the flow of the piece.


Now, a few observations that I wanted to point out to you:

As he made his way towards the diner, the drunk approached him. He didn't speak but just lumbered towards and bumped into Harry.
*Check*The highlighted phrase here was decidedly awkward for me when I read through this. A rewrite just of this small section might help it not snag so heavily here. Also, it seems that there is a missing word after 'towards' - perhaps 'him'. So it could be written as 'He didn't speak, just lumbered toward Harry then bumped into him.' Just a suggestion of course.

Harry pushed him away and the man crumpled to the ground. Sputum fell from his mouth and as he sank to the ground,
*Check*The highlighted repetition can be distracting for readers, pulling their focus away from what the story is telling them and instead making them think about the words on the page. This prevents total immersion in the story. You could easily find a way to reword one of these, and that would be a simple solution.

*Check*I wanted more detail, wanted to know more about exactly what was going on there at the end, wanted more closure! It was just enough to tease me, get me involved, and then it was over and I felt somewhat disappointed because I never really knew what was happening.

*Check*Formatting is very important when writing for others to read your work. A visually appealing piece will get more readers and better feedback, ultimately, than one that is not. Separating your paragraphs, giving your reader's eye room to move between the lines, helps them to process what they are taking in other than being overwhelmed by it.

*Check*One other thing - I like the title, and I like the body of the piece... But i'm not entirely certain how they fit together? I'm positive that you had a direction in mind, and that you as the writer understand that connection. As a reader, though, with so little specific information given in the story, I fail to see it.

Overall, a fun read with a great creepy vibe, that I would love to see expanded on! If you do decide to expand on this, please let me know! Good job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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Review of Missing  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is strictly my personal opinion. Please use what you need from it, and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


*Star* This is good, and just the sort of thing 25 word hint fiction should be. I definitely want to know more!

*Star* I like the use of strictly dialogue to give tell the story of what is going on here.

Now, just a few observations I wanted to share with you:

*Check* The first letter after the "..." should be capitalized.

*Check* I felt like the last line shoulder have been punctuated with a "!". Especially since the first word of that line was. It would lend more a sense of urgency to the piece, and better imply the tension and intensity of the story being hinted at.

Overall, very enjoyable! Good luck in the contest!

Keep putting pen-to-paper.
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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Review of Beltane  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. Welcome to WdC! The following is my personal opinion only - please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, my door is always open.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


What a wonderful piece! I think Kieran is the same character I read about in your other NaNoWriMo Prep, and it was satisfying to see something that followed him specifically. I will share what I liked about the piece first:

*Star* Incredible character development! With the way it was written, from first person, I felt very close to him, and his personality came through clear and bright. I would love to know more about him, and finding myself so intrigued after such a short piece means that the development of him was exceptional. He felt incredibly real and was easy to relate to, as well as likable.

*Star* There was some really fantastic imagery in this, that made it beautiful and vivid to visualize with ease. Lacing descriptive detail throughout the piece lent it a realism that helped in turn to bring the characters therein to life. A few examples of my favorite instances of this:
Sparks dance towards the midnight blue sky and try to merge with the stars.
Golden dots of light glimmer around our heads, spectacular and evanescent.

*Star* I loved the tone of this, with its fantasy and shade, the small details that really made the setting visceral and memorable. I felt very immersed in the story.

*Star* Technically this was very sound, with no mistakes that stood out to me, and a wonderful flow.

*Star* It made me want to read more! Being drawn in like that in so few words is the hallmark of a good storyteller. At one point while reading I had to remind myself that I was supposed to be reviewing, not simple enjoying myself!


Now, there was only one thing that I noticed, and wanted to point out to you:

Some girls will spend the night entwined in their mesmerizing glow.
She is mesmerizing as she glows in the moonlight, and I want to tell her I’ll stay.

*Check* These two lines are, respectively, from each half of the piece. I'm sure you know exactly where each of them falls in it. Putting them side by side, do you see the incredibly similar wording used? I could not decide at first if this was an intentional repetition, but have decided at length that it is not. If I am wrong about that, please let me know. But in such a short piece, using the same adjective more than once, especially in such an extended and specific way (both are a 'mesmerizing glow', though worded somewhat differently in the first line), is going to be noticeable. In a longer piece, or in a novel, of course you could reuse adjectives, but for maximum impact in this piece I would find an alternative way to describe the visual for one of those lines.

Overall, this was an incredibly well-executed piece that you should be very proud of. Your writing and your characters are very strong. Well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello there BScholl!

I am reviewing this as a judge in Hannah's "Invalid Item"  . The following is strictly my personal opinion - please take what you need from this and disregard what you don't.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


What a great read! A very successful entry, executed with a lot of skill. There was a lot to like here, and I will cover that first:

*Star* I really enjoyed this story, and thought you did a lot with only 500 words at your dispense.

*Star* You created a haunting atmosphere, and it lent itself well to the tone of the piece. Even though you wrote that it was near sundown, so the sun was still out, somehow that made it seem that much scarier. That this was taking place in the light of day, not the usual cover of night. It was a nice unexpected touch of detail.

*Star* Your descriptive imagery was fantastic. Like this:
I could hear only the breeze as it stirred up the dust. It spun and twisted in the air amid the waning sunlight.

*Star* The style in which this was written allowed me to feel everything as the narrator/main character was experiencing it. When he went 'mannequin still' and held his breath I did too, tension building up as the story's climax arrived.

*Star* It was easy to visualize the action, with the no-nonsense approach you took to writing this. This also aided the piece's flow, making it a mostly effortless read with little in the way of snags.

*Star* I liked the way that you took a classic horror subject - werewolf - and gave it an interestingly personal perspective. Working in the Man vs. Man literary conflict and then taking it one step farther into Brother vs. Brother (but unknowingly!) was artful, and made this story extremely memorable.



Now I will go over a few things I noticed and wanted to share with you:

The tiny groans of the boards, I hoped would not alert the beast within.
*Check* This sentence feels like it is either missing something, or needs to be rearranged. Perhaps "I hoped the tiny groans of the boards underfoot would not alert the beast within." or something similar to that, you see what i'm getting at.

Turning the doorknob my heart pounded so hard I thought it might explode.
*Check* Another slightly awkward sentence. A comma could be placed after 'doorknob' to ease it, or a adding a few words at the beginning 'As I turned the doorknob-'.

The blood drained from my face and my hands.
*Check* With so many uses of the word 'blood' throughout this piece, I thought this was a good opportunity to use an alternative word that would still carry the same weight. You could try a word like 'color' here.

The beast clamored about up the stairs.
*Check* I've highlighted the phrase that bothered me in this sentence - the way it is written currently could be misconstrued by the reader concerning the location of the creature. Replacing it with simply 'upstairs' would, I think, do a lot to nullify that potential confusion.

I heard the beast sniffing and coming to the top of the stairs.
*Check* This is two instances of words being overused. I noticed that 'beast' was basically the sole word in this piece used in relation to the werewolf until towards the end when you switched to using just 'creature'. You might consider mixing those referential terms up a bit throughout the piece instead, alternating their usage, and maybe throwing in a few other appropriate terms such as 'monster' and 'animal'. The second highlighted phrase is a similar issue, overuse. Another way to say 'top of the stairs' would be 'landing', for your consideration.

The wolf-man howled, and stumbled into the grass and collapsed.
*Check* It was my impression that one of these maybe should be replaced with 'then', or 'stumbled' changed to 'stumbling' and removing the first 'and'.

*Check* One last thing that I wanted to bring to your attention. There was an abundance of very short sentences. And while using those can lend a piece the feeling of urgency and make it feel fast-paced, they should be applied in careful moderation to avoid a piece seeming too choppy and abrupt. This still flowed well for me, but it was definitely something I noticed that you might want to watch out for in the future.

Overall, a really enjoyable read - very well done!

Good luck in the contest!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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Review of Wolfs pain  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Star* What a cool story! I loved the idea of him, a werewolf hunter, having to hunt his own wife down! Neat twist on a fairly staple supernatural subject matter!

*Star* I liked the main character - he was well developed and interesting, drawing me into the story along with him.

*Star* Though I would have liked a little more description of his wife and what she looked like when she appeared, I understand that you were under a word-count restraint with this Flash piece. That in mind, I think your level of detail was commendable, and definitely contributed to the success of the work.

*Star* The gore and description of it was spectacular! It made the story seem uncomfortable realistic, and emphasized the truly animalistic side of lycanthropic nature.

*Star* It was well-written, mostly clear and concise throughout with few errors. What few I did catch I will share with you below *Down*


He couldn’t understand why it was he was alive.
*Check* I highlighted the issue here, as I will do in all the following points: This is distracting and awkward wording here. I'm positive that you could come up with a better, less jarring way to make this say statement. You could even slightly rewrite the line if you wanted, something like 'He couldn't understand why he was still alive.' Something simple like that, but i'm sure you'll come up with something far superior.

His self pity was short lived when he notice his hips and loin area was completely covered in slime.
*Check* This should be 'noticed' here

Moments before, he had wondering at the absence of pain,
*Check* This could be corrected one of three ways I think (and this is probably what you intended from the start, but I myself miss things like this when reading over my own work!): ', he had been wondering', 'he was wondering' or 'he had wondered'

There was no wondering as to whether he was infected or not; he was rabidly infected.
*Check* Something about this entire line throws me off and strikes me as out of place, or again, awkward. Perhaps it's the wording. If you kept it this way, might I suggest setting the second half of the sentence apart by italicizing rabidly? So that it doesn't sound redundant? But I am of the opinion that the line could use a rewrite, maybe something along the lines of this: 'There was no doubt as to whether or not he was infected; it ran rabidly in his system.' That is just an example of course, but you understand my point.

He was the new ‘Nights Master’./‘night master’/ ‘Night Master’
*Check* These are examples of the 3 different ways this was written throughout the piece. 'Night Master' felt the most 'right' to me, but then I saw these other two versions of the title, and wasn't sure which one was the one you intended to be the one. Consistency is important to maintain in a work, but I know sometimes it's easy to overlook things like that. We writers are at times so close to our own work that we miss the proverbial forest ^_~

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece, and I hope that you have found this review to be helpful! Great job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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Review of Jovian Dreams  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* I love this idea, and the execution of it was very good here! I especially enjoyed the way you ended it, with him giving in to his urge, forgetting himself and forgetting that he will surely die if he opens that hatch.

*Star* Technically very good, with few mistakes or errors worth pointing out - your writing style was clear and to-the-point, a good vehicle for the story itself

*Star* Good character development, the main character being easy to understand and sympathize with. I liked the little hint of quirkiness we get from him.

A few observations:

*Check* I would have liked more detail, although I understand that you were working under a word-count restraint, perhaps now that the contest has ended you might consider going back and injecting a little more into it? I would love to have more description of the Jovian mermaid herself, and on the garden that he so often falls asleep in, and him too for that matter.

The alternative, hallucination, would mean that he’d travelled a little farther down Crazy Road than he wanted to admit.
*Check* I highlighted the misspelled word, should be 'traveled' with one L.

Overall, well done! I really enjoyed reading this original and highly creative short!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This gave me chills! A truly unique and capturing flash-length piece. I have no criticism to offer on this, so instead I will share what I liked about it with you.

*Star* The setting is haunting and intense, helped by the imagery you so artfully laced into the narrative, and I could easily visualize this as it was happening. The bloom of indigo light in the sky, the flare of hope in the hearts of the survivors, and their coming together to move ahead towards Knowledge. Ingenious!

*Star* You managed to develop characters within such brevity, and without names or specific details, yet still those people were poignant and memorable.

*Star* Well-written and concise, this has the feeling of being a part of some larger story or idea that I would VERY much like to read!

Thank you for sharing this wonderful little work - excellent job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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Review of Dark Knight  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What an intense and powerful short story. It was a great read that held my interest from start to finish - let me share my impressions with you.

*Star* The descriptive detail in this is exquisite, without overwhelming the story or character it is centered around. It contributed beautifully to the sorrowful, tense tone of the piece, and made it very gritty and realistic, easily visualized.

*Star* It was easy to sympathize with and feel connected to your noble, doomed main character. I truly felt for him at the ending, and wanted to do something to help him! Invoking feelings like that in your reader is no easy task, and you accomplished it well. The development of this character, and the reader's journey with him through this awful experience, was truly artful.

*Star* The setting, time period, and realism of the piece was well executed, and there was never a moment that I found it unbelievable or too obvious.

*Star* You balanced a nice amount of dialogue in with the general body of description and narrative, the internal dialogue adding to that balance, and created a seamless, cohesive story.

*Star* Technically this piece was very well-written, and I only found a few things to point out, which I will share with you below *Down*

Edward leaned away from the room and started to fall back. His escorts caught him and shoved him into the room. Torchières hung from the walls, spaced every ten feet around the room. Red drapes hung in sagging arcs between them. King Richard sat regally upon his throne in the center of the room, a scarlet carpet rolled from the main entrance of the hall to his feet. On the king’s right was a counsel table where two nobles sat watching Sir Edward enter from the side door. An entire army had been gathered within this one room. Armored soldiers lined every wall, five rows deep, all eyes on him. Yet nothing was coming back to him.

They led him around the roomlike an animal and dropped him before the king.
*Check* Ok, i've highlighted the issue for me here. I counted 6 uses of the phrase 'the room' in this small section, with only one slight variation on it ('one room'). It was distracting and noticeable, and made it very difficult for me to focus on the actual content of this section. You could consider alternative words for 'room', such as space, chamber, area, vicinity, place, expanse, and the list goes on. Some of those would obviously work better than others, but that was just to give you ideas, i'm sure you'll come up with exactly the right choice for the piece.

As he was dragged him from the room, Richard looked away.
*Check* There was an erroneous word here that i've crossed out for you.

Overall, very well done! I enjoyed reading this and the emotionality that you achieved with it.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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Review of Plain Old Wrong  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very cool story!

*Star* A fun read with a charming and memorable main character (plus her minions!), I also really enjoyed the narrative style of it. That made it very easy to be drawn into the story.

*Star* Great overall ironic tone that set it apart, as well as original and interesting subject approached in an unusual way.

*Star* Technically it was sound, with very little in the way of errors, typos, or mistakes to point out. *Down*

*Check* Just some punctuation issues in the last paragraph.

Overall, a very fun little read - thanks for sharing!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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Review of Absolutely  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What a fun, uplifting read! I could not find anything technically or aesthetically that needed improvement here, so I will just share with you what I liked about it.

*Star* It reminds me of all those really great 80's and early 90's high school/college films, where the underestimated and abused main character learns how to stand up for themselves, and proves their worth in the 'arena' of the cafeteria, or at the football game, or at the school dance. Classic feel-good human interest storytelling!

*Star* I liked your characters - surprisingly, I especially liked Melinda, and the way you portrayed her. Typical, but with something underneath (the puffy eyes, she had been crying, which means underneath the bitchiness were real feelings) that one would not necessarily expect. I like character who give me something else to think about, who reflect something deeper than may not be directly alluded to, but can be imagined by a savvy reader.

*Star* Your ending was just right, and the plot itself was something that pretty much anyone could relate to, from any side of it. The high school experience is one-of-a-kind, and just about everyone has a story similar to this one somewhere in their past. That makes this particularly appealing, and enjoyable to read.

*Star* Overall - great job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*Star* The tone and style of this piece were definitely gothic victorian, which matched your subject matter relatively well. Creative character names, gothic setting, and a journal-entry-esque approach to the writing made it intriguing and interesting to read! I liked the beginning, the description of the yard with everything living glazed in freezing rain. Lovely, haunting imagery there.

Now, some things that I wanted to discuss with you and bring to your attention:

*Check* Anticipating a hot meal to assuage my hunger, I began to head down the stairs.
I entered the dining room to find Nicholas sitting at the head of a very long table. Set on it was, in all sincerity, a meal fit for a king. Taking my seat, I began to voraciously consume my meal, as I had not eaten a good meal in nearly a week.
About midway through the meal, Nicholas inquired,
*Note* Repetition! I highlighted the word 'meal' as it appeared every time in these 5 sentences. 5 times in 5 sentences! Repetition has its place in literature, as a device to drive home a point, or to play up emotion in dialogue, or action. But in sections of writing like this it is distracting and readers will notice it. Coming up with alternative ways to say something is an easy way to solve this problem, and a good exercise for any writer. Challenge yourself to come up with ever-more-creative ways to describe something mundane!

*Check* He commented on my profession.
“I hear crime’s rampant in that sector of the workforce,” he slyly commented.
*Note* Since you already stated in the previous sentence that a comment was made, it is unnecessary to say it again at the end of the actual dialogue. It is implied already.

*Check* The specifics of his questions were slightly nerve-racking, and I would not have countenanced such questions were it not I felt sympathy for a recluse such as himself.
*Note* Taking the ending of this piece into consideration, I have to wonder if Timothy's reaction to such a specific line of questioning should have been more dramatic. At least internally, anyway. Even if he kept cool on the outside, the reader should perhaps have an insight into Timothy's private thoughts here, and whether or not he really is involved in such illegal activities, as we have no real closure on that point even at the end. We never know for certain if he did the things Nicholas accused him of, and this is the perfect opportunity to offer more information to the reader!

*Check* Though I wished to remain safe, I also was both afraid and curious of what was in the basement, so I headed downstairs and into the basement.
I wandered into the basement, a marvelously intricate catacomb. Against the walls were skulls, bones, and other morbid items. I stood there in awe of the catacomb.
*Note* This is another example of the repetition I mentioned as being an issue before. I highlighted the repeated words. Another opportunity to challenge yourself to come up with a more creative and unusual way to state this.

*Check* As I grew closer, I began to hear a squishing sound, as if one was biting into raw meat.
*Note* It seemed to me that you might want to hold off on this, and use something to describe the sound (and it certainly can still be a creepy simile to describe it!) that is not actually what is happening. That way you are not giving anything away too soon, and the longer you can draw out the suspense the better. Also, if you have not already said this, the shock and impact of Timothy seeing Nicholas eating a recently butchered human will be that much more intense!

*Check* “This is the end, Timothy, my friend. The suffering of the countless, which you have caused, will finally end.”
*Note* I have to point out what I see as a discrepancy in storyline here. So Nicholas' reason for calling Timothy to his home was to seek retribution against him for the wrongs he had perpetrated in the money-laundering business? Well, he calls him a 'monster', and that seems almost laughable, considering what Nicholas himself was just doing. Money laundering is illegal, sure, and not the most honest line of work... but monster? I could see it, if Nicholas had a more personal reason for feeling this way, but then that should certainly be made known to the reader. The ending came off as confusing because of this.

*Note* Also, it seemed odd and incongruent, to me, that an obviously mad cannibal would have any higher moral reason for killing Timothy at all, much less a weak reason like money-laundering. The story would have been more chilling if Nicholas had no better reason than he wanted to eat his long-absent friend. Maybe he'd always wondered what Timothy tasted like? It was just, without more information or justification, the money-laundering reason seemed flimsy and unbelievable. You could either go with the cannibal thing or go with the seeker-of-justice thing, but the two do not seem possible to combine to my thinking.

*Check* As the maniacal laughter ensued, I drifted into oblivion and found myself at the outer gates of Hell.
*Note* This ending sentence struck me as awkward, as it felt more like a beginning than a real, solid ending that gives the reader closure. Did you intend for it to come across that way? It may not be literal, but the choice of wording and the arrangement of the phrase makes this seem introductory rather than conclusive. Omitting the last bit of the sentence, or rewriting it to sound more finial, would solve the issue.

I hope you have found this review to be helpful! If you have any questions about my comments here, please feel free to message me. My door is always open.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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Review of [puke]  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is great! I felt nauseated while reading it, and that (surprisingly) is a good thing, because it meant you adequately described the sensations of being on the verge of vomiting. Capturing a physical sensation in words is not an easy task, and this did it effortlessly. Also, the casual rhyme and rhythm of this piece reminded me almost more of a beat than a poem, which was refreshing and original, and very memorable. I liked the edgy subject-matter and the edgy delivery.

The only thing I noticed (and wonder if it was intentional but can't imagine why?) is that ALL the 'g's in this piece have been replaced by 'q'! I mean, every last one. Just wanted to bring that to your attention. It was somewhat disorienting while I read through, and I can't imagine how or why that happened. Anyway, besides that, great piece!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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Review of Light and Shadow  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This was interesting, and very abstract. When I first started reading, I was very drawn into its conversational, journal-entry-esque style. The writing was clear and concise until the third paragraph, where things became confusing. I understand you were working under a word-count limit, but I think this desperately needs clarification on just what is happening from that point to the ending. When it was over I felt a little lost, but I enjoyed the style of the writing.

I hope this review has been helpful to you.
Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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Review of Ebb and Flow  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah, what a poignant and moving story. And told so beautifully, so elegantly, so starkly. There was no shying away of emotion here, and yet the writing did not linger on outpouring descriptions of emotion either. The balance struck between feeling and fact was lovely, and lent a realness to this piece that made it very connective. It had the ring of cherished memory instead of absolute fiction, and I found it truly touching.

My only critique, and it is certainly a minor one, is that I felt there was a distinct over-use of the girl's name in this. You can try using more pronouns instead, or finding more creative ways to allude to her, instead of using the name so frequently. But that hardly detracts from the grace of this piece. Very well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was an enjoyable and educational read. Well-written, clear, and informed, it isn't the sort of piece I can fairly critique. I can only say that after having read it, I feel better apprised of just what 'AI' means and it makes me want to go back and read some of my favorite sci-fi fiction involving AI. I love that you are passionate enough about something like this to take the time to write a thoughtful, insightful piece on the subject. Thanks for sharing this!

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WdC!

I found this piece to be whimsical and highly original, very creative and fun to read! The Tooth Fairy's personality, Cadence, was well-developed and seemed 'real'. There were just a few technical things I wanted to take a moment and point out to you:

I gave quarters to children who had lost the evidence of the lost tooth, and had cried themselves to sleep thinking I would not arrive.
This is a convoluted sentence, and the double usage of the word 'lost' could throw off some readers. A simple rewording of the idea here would solve the problem. Perhaps something like "I even gave quarters to children who misplaced their lost teeth, then cried themselves to sleep because they thought I would not visit them." or something along those lines, you see my point.

The teeth are arriving is worse condition than before, some so bad they can barely be considered teeth anymore.
highlighted word - should be 'in'

The turning point of my decision happened not too long ago.
This line does not sit well with me. The word choices are strange - 'turning point of my decision' ... It doesn't quite make sense. Adding something or taking something out would help, "The turning point for me came not too long ago. or "The thing that finally confirmed my decision happened not too long ago."

She had wired the window so when I appeared; a cup fell on top of me.
There should not be a semicolon behind 'appeared', as it is splitting the sentence in half. Really you don't need any punctuation there at all. Also, adding 'that' after 'so' will clarify the line. It would read like this "She had wired the window so that when I appeared a cup fell on top of me."

I hope you have found this review helpful! I truly enjoyed reading this charming piece - well done.

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Review of Fear Itself  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Welcome to WdC!

I like the idea of this - it's a very intriguing concept, and inspires my imagination to run with it. Stylistically, I think you have not quite settled on the tone of this piece. It feels like it jumps around from casual conversational style to more structured and traditional, then back again. The plot also jumps backs and forth, which can be confusing for a lot of readers. You might consider reworking the flow of the piece to make it more concise and streamlined, to cut down on that convolution. It just needs a little tweaking. On a technical note, your writing is sound, and aside from a few tendencies I noticed (which i'll address below), there were very few actual errors.

Closing my eyes again, I think on my day, a day like any other. No difference. Don't even need to name the days anymore. Keeping my eyes closed, my breathing slows, and I picture in my mind, the sunny day.
This section is a good example of what I meant about 'tendencies'. Repetition, when used in a pointed and deliberate manner, can have a big impact on a reader and add something really strong to a story. But here it is not used in that manner, and instead comes across as messy and confused. You don't want to repeat one word so much in such a short expanse of writing, and the easiest way to correct this would be to find an alternative way of writing something, even combine sentences and thoughts to compact it more. Also, in the last sentence here, there does not need to be a comma after 'mind' if you decide to maintain the structure of this line.

I noticed that you apparently have changed the title of the piece - what was it before? I am not entirely certain that I find the current title to be in sync with the subject matter and tone of the piece, but that's just a personal observation.

I hope that you found this review to be helpful! The piece is good, the idea is good, it just needs a little revision and attention on the details to polish it. If you have any questions about my comments here, or questions about WdC or anything in general, feel free to message me. My door is always open!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Vignette5* L.C. *Bird* The Dark Huntress *Vignette5*
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