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1,500 Public Reviews Given
1,962 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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426
426
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What I liked and why
Everything! I was sure that I knew what was going to happen. Then you had her kill the bride, then the ending I loved it! you had me shaking my head and grinning. I could hear 'Gotcha' in my ear

Plot
goal-Annie is going to save Mark from a doomed marriage; Motive-she is secretly in love with him; conflict- He doesn't belive that his new wife is a golddigger.

Style and Voice
Written as it is happening so it keeps the reader in the grip of the story as it is told from Annie's POV

Referencing-Setting
A wedding

Scene/Setting
The wedding was about to take place guests and elaborate decortations

Characters
Annie has been invited to the wedding of Mark and Karen, she is secretly in love with Mark. She plans on saving him from a disaster marriage even if she has to kill the woman to do so. Her mind is firm in its interpretation of the situation.

Just my personal opinion
I loved how you led the reader to belive it was real when in fact it wasn't. Then when the detective's mother calls to explain the motive it was the icing on the cake. WELL DONE!!!
427
427
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What I liked and why
WOW! It was great! I loved it all, Actually the first time I read it though, when I read the first bold print I just read from bold to bold. That story was fantastic and then ending was unexpected but great!

Plot
The first plot was weak but it was the skeleton (pardon the reference) on which the second story was hung. You had a goal-to stay alive, Motivation-to keep her house and eventually keep the things she deemed as "hers" Conflict- Her father first, Martha and Colin second.

Style and Voice
While I didn't care for the back and forth, spirit driven style; I eventually didn't read the light print. When I went back, it still didn't add anything to the story, or detract either.

Referencing-Setting
Excellent time reference -in describing the father's picture, the smashed cigar in the face was funnier then I think you meant that to be. You might want to rephrase that. I know what you meant but it wasn't what you said. Note: In the "old days" to take a picture it might take 10-20 minutes to set up the camera, load the powder, get everyone still and not moving for at least a cfew minutes while the film impacted (I can't think of the right word) But you get the picture No one smiled, they were hot, tired of sitting still and trying to keep all the kids still. Pictures were sort of new and while everyone liked them, the process was extremely tedious.

Scene/Setting
Very good. I have only one or two points. You like to describe. In the first paragraph you describe the house twice in different ways. Just do it once. You continually use the work LIKE look how many times you use it when describing things. either cut it out or try to describe it differently to get the same picture. We know what the house looks like from the begining. The rooms only need to be set for the time and statis of the family. That you didn't do. I did not get a sense of money until you told it at the end and a little bit when Martha was selling things. Still the ground work was not laid. Clothing, visitors, in all her hiding she never saw her father open a safe? hum not likly, a girl int he walls would spy on everyone, wouldn't you?

Characters
I loved your characters. Strong and well thought out. I have no idea who "I" was. Did I miss her name? She was a talking head so to speak. If this was her grandmother's house, was she related to the Stumps or did someone else buy the house. That was vague, if she is related I can see why the voice came to her. But if she was not, why had this not been discovered before?

Just my personal opinion
WOW I would love to see this taken apart and made into a novella! The entire plot was amazing, and the end so unexpected. I would like to see more interaction between Carolina and the narrator. Maybe more clues, and a sense that the narrator is "saving" Carolina. so she thinks. Leading her, telling more of her life as a child and wht happened after the earthquake. Have some research on the house. news article about a murder and no witnesses and Carolina was never found, they thought she was kiddnapped and the house ransaked becasue of all the missing pictures, silver etc. Then have the woman start the dreams. Do not change the end! it is unexpected and shocking! Great Job!!!
428
428
Review of The Vacation  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This was very well done. You had the goal, to make sure your daughter was safe, but didn't tell us his motive for following Phil. You said he had "no choice" but everyone has a choice. There was no mental thought that lead us to belive the father had some reason to think Phil was something other than a opportunist.
As the father followed, he met up with Phil. there was no premeditation for confrontation. Why did he meet up with him? Did Phil suspect him following? say so. Phil might have been waiting and confronted the father with a satisfied grin saying yes he had sex with her. He might have flaunted that. Thus making the father mad. A little more discription of the fight (you didn't have enough conflct) and then the reaction of hitting the boy. Maybe even the thought that this time, there would be a Mexican death and an American walked away without a trace.
In reference to all the missing and dead young American people.
429
429
Review of Hidden Lies  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What I liked and why
I loved your plot, the story line and the ending. You gave us enough clues to keep me reading (I read two previous that I could not even finish)

Plot
You have a great plot. Goal-to tell the truth about the past. Motivation-to test the character of his children conflict- will they forgive him?

Style and Voice
You have a very good style of writing. A few things that are not consistent. What is artificial dusk? something manufactured? The voice of the father changes from strong to weak within a paragraph. Need to be consistent.

Referencing-Setting
Time needs to be told; how long ago was this, as the kids are grown? who was Eric? who was Lileth in relation to the kids? there seems to be a time discrepancy between the kids and an older child that would have been the age to do this atrocity.

Scene/Setting
Done very well

Characters
You have done a great job with the kids and their personalities. You give them an individuality that leads the the ending so it is believable. Except for Mrs Dobson. How did she get from housekeeper to "mother?" Did she marry the Dad? Somehow that fact is not believable. They didn't know about Lileth and Eric before? When terrible things happen, school kids talk, so the reveal is far fetched. If they had moved, changed names, all this was in another place and life, then the explanation would be a surprise but acceptable. Who was 3 kids mother for real? The name Lileth lends to the extreme type personality, good choice of name.

Just my personal opinion
I loved the story! It had good plot lines and with a few minor changes it would win a great Twisted Story contest, if submitted. I hope to see more from you, I am going to check your Portfolio to see what you post
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Review of The Hole  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What I liked and why
I loved this story too. Why you don't send these to an editor (within WDC would work) then sent the collection for printing I will never know. I would by the book and give it as gifts to others who have the same warped mentality as I have!!!

Plot
You know how to weave a story. Starting from the beginning, you set up the Baron even when you don't use his title. Then Cara's story-her goal is to find more challenging puzzles. Motive-I guess to challenge her mentally conflict-The worst possible puzzle, no color, nothing but visual cut to make connections.

Style and Voice
Again you are the master narrator. You do it very well

Grammer/Structure
Here again I find little things that bugged me. Cara pulls the curtain as she rides. Then she is peering into store windows. Was she walking or could she see through the curtain or did she pull it aside when she entered the city? The man in the store throws in French words but is not consistant. He should begin with "Bon jour Mslle" I assume she responds in French as she can speak French, yet youdon't allude to that. So why tell us earlier she is linguistic? The voice calling from the puzzle was a little weak. Maybe something like, Don't stop, need to continue, More. Those are commanding words. Work doesn't make the reader think COMMAND.
As the story went on I got less intensity than in the beginning. Read some of the passages where she is putting the puzzle together, there wasn't enough "drive" you didn't tell that she neglected anything. You said she ate. So unless you tell the reader differently, that action continued. She slept, no change. Referencing-Setting
Nothing wrong with that.

Scene/Setting
Careful of saying things like "very Dapper" it is like saying "no nothing" Dapper discribes dressing elaborately.
When they return home, the horse is the last thing that get "unhitched." Charles would stop, set the break. Get down off the seat, open the door and pull out the step. Then hand her down. If she were that anxious, She might have opened the door and jumped down calling to Charles to take the carriage to the stable, she would go to the house by herself. That shows how badly she wanted to start the puzzle. I have a picture of Regency France.

Characters
Excellent descriptions no fault there

Just my personal opinion
Describing the change that might have come over her, would lead the reader to feel her despiration to finish the puzzle. Then when she was acosted, the relief she had felt from the drive to finish was replaced with the fear of what was coming out of the puzzle. I would have liked to see a little more interaction with the Baron. Not really needed just my opinion because you brought it to the end to fast. The set up was detailed and had great build up of intensity, then you raced to the end.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Introductions  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What I liked and why
I love a good mystery. I knew there was going to be a twist and I was excited to see what you did with it

Plot
You had a goal; to find the killer. motivation; to find the truth. conflict; someone doesn't want her to find the truth

Style and Voice
I didn't get a sense of Sally or Grace. They were just words on a page. Except toward the end Sally was brave.

Referencing-Setting
Had you not written the date in the description I would never have guessed the era. The fact she walked everywhere did not point to days gone by. No reference to dress or manners

Scene/Setting
There were some confusing things. Why would she name her cat after her dead husband? That is wierd and bizzare. You mentioned nightmares all of the sudden with no prior reference so it seemed out of place and no reason for it. All of the sudden you mention a house on the hill that she could see but you didn't mention that previously. How close she was and why she was looking out at it.

Characters
I loved Sally and Grace. I think you did a great job on them. I was totally surprised at the end

Just my personal opinion
While I liked your plot and the twist. I felt that it follow through. There were gaps in the story line that when I was done I was a little confused with the reasoning. I got the plot and where you went with it, but it wasn't a logical ending. the facts didn't support the end. I like a good twist, but I want to be able to read back and see where there were clues I missed. They have to be subtle, but I couldn't find them.
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432
Review of Grandfather  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
An excellent story. You have all the right elements for a story a goal, a motivation and conflict. You know how to weave a story that even a person who isn't into Sci-Fi will like the story. (almost) I did have to push on to the end even when it got a little too technical. I knew it was going to be good and not understanding the cyborg background did not detract from the story line. It came a little close but you pulled it off. I will check out your port. to see what else you have written.
Good Job!!!
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433
Review of Housing Slump  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
That was good!!!
Short and sweet! to the point. I don't know what their criteria is but your story gets my vote. The body at the beginning was a give away. The smell at the end was the crowning moment.
I loved this line "Now she was reduced to selling mafia estates to bottom feeders like Tony over there in his Hawaiian shirt, shorts and black socks."
Keep up the writing.
TW
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434
Review of Speeding  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The was a good insight into a police station, I assume. While the detail about the place was good, I got a little lost in the earlier conversation. It was disjointed in the original hearing but the author knew the place and narrowed the readers sight to just the characters.
There was no plot, no motive and no conflict other than the girl did not have the form and the last man would not reveal where he had been. It would have been a better story to make the real story fictional. make a relation between the observer and the other 2. Some connection, because there was no connection between the story and the reader.
You have the ability to relate a good story. Sometimes the literal story isn't as good as the one you make up with the same facts. Try it again, I would like to see what story you "make up" using the same characters. I will bet it is longer and more interesting.
435
435
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I know that Meg was from Iowa, she wants to be a writer. She has no goal, there is no motive, and there is no conflict. What was the purpose of this piece? The quip about the grandson, what that a joke or true, it made no sense.
If the story is self prophecy about 'afraid to write in case she is bad'...hmm you may want to take one of the writing acadamy classes. You need to have all the components that I listed above. goal, motive, conflict, and a resolution.
436
436
Review of Beths Ring  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter one" Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good start. You have the setting, I am not sure of her goal. At this moment it seems to be; to take control of the house and live in it. There is a little thing, how is she going to maintain the house, Did the Aunt leave her a legacy with the house?
Instead of tell us all about the back story I would rather have HEARD about it.Start with the conversation where she is adamant about keeping the house and that she didn't need help getting rid of Aunt Elizabeth's stuff. In fact she wished they would have left it for her to pack as needed. Her parents leav with a mixture of exasberation and respect. Father tells her that she could make a lot of money off the house and there may be some antiques in the house that need to be valued.
Maybe her sister takes her aside and mentions how she feels in the house, creepy, doors shut, a movement out of the corner of her eye that when she looks nothing is there. This brings the reader into the story instead of making them an observer. Okay I love watching Paranormal State so the odd things that happen in a house are a good sell to people like me.
I will of course read on to see what you are going to do.
437
437
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
General Impressions
This could be the start of a good story. Start that is.

{c:red)Plot
I am not sure but this must be about what happened to the two boys.
At least that is what I got so far
Style and Voice
You don't have one voice you have 2. Tag's point of view is mixed in with the author. You jump back and forth. You need to decided who is telling the story and from what person's Point Of View and stick to that. If Tag is telling the story let it be just what he sees or personally knows and hears. Extra stuff either has to be told to him by another person, discovery or leave it out. I probably isn't necessary to the story line

Referencing-Setting
I like the setting- The bar is very visual and you have done a good job describing the people who show up there as well as Tag's history


Scene/Setting
This will come later

Characters
I am not sure where you are going with this story. Tag is a good character. We get impressions of Ed and Leo and their mother. It is a good start as we immediately feel empathy for the mother and the fact that she is missing her sons. But after 4 days how come she didn't report them missing? Why isn't Tag a little more concerned about them being gone? MISSING PERSONS are ususally reported with in 24-48 hours.

Just my personal opinion
You have a lot of back story. While it is a good set up you need to decide how much of it needs to be told at the beginning. I like the part where Tag tells of his connection to Maggie. The rest is his memory of the last time he saw them. It is too long and detailed. The boys hieritage is not needed in this story. Some of that can come out later if you have a dective who doesn't know the family. Don't tell it all at once. Little bits as it pertains to the mind of the boys or the reason they are gone. The rest is not necessary.
I will read the next chapter
438
438
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
General Impressions
When I finished reading the piece I understood where you were going and it is a very interesting concept. I would like to read more

{c:red)Plot
I am not sure you have really established a plot. What I read is really the back story to a vampire world. You have a great set up but no real plot unless the whole story is the king getting victory over the attacking vampires. THE END



Referencing-Setting
I love the reference. While others will be highly offended, I am strong in my Christianity and I love a good spin on a tale. The date reference doesn't need to be there but it doesn' hurt either.

Scene/Setting
The King part of the story is good, it could use more discription to draw the reader into the relm so to speak, so they aren't the observer but are in the story.

Characters
I love them all. You need to do more discription so we "SEE" them not just "HEAR" them. Show us how they move. Show us how old John is by the way he acts. for instance. He could come before the King after a fit of coughing and the king make a comment about the blood spots on his robe. John freezes then excuses the spots by claiming a cut while shaving or pricked finger (while he hids his blue vained hands) You can show advanced age by the way a person walks, acts and the respect from others for an aged wiseman.
I like the way Cain cannot die. I love the movie Barrabas (Anthony Quinn) where because Christ died in his place he cannot die either...
We need to find that James(Cain) is what he is by your details of his actions. How does he react to blood, the yearning and drive to feed when he smells the blood yet there is a redeaming quality you want the reader to have. (Yes?)

Just my personal opinion
Rewrite this passage as I said before starting with the problem (goal whatever that is) let's say it is to save the kingdom. why is Cain motivated to save them? Why should he care? What does he gain from acting on the side of humans?
The conflict is "EVE" I assume she is the Queen Vamp. What are her goals? what is motivating her? There will have to be some final conflict that the two meet. Does she know he is her son? Does that change her goal or motivation?
What do you want the outcome to be? Do you plan on other books(stories) if so what will you use as a platform? The Bible? I suggest if you really want to sell it you will have to incorporate real history as the Bible only covers 4,000 years or so and you have used up most of those.
I really like what you have set up here. It just isn't a story yet. It really is back story and the platform that you have built for your "Vampire World" Do not ditch it. Just bring it to light a little at a time when Cain needs to explain to someone who he is.
OR You can have him telling his "children" in a safer time what it was like in the beginning. "Grandpa tell us a story about the Old days, when you first became a real vampire" Does he tell them the real story? No but when he stops for the "night" daylight is approaching, he thinks about what he didn't tell, the real beginning.
Keep writing! I hope you keep me in the loop for another rewrite
I hope this helps a little. I know it is hard to let go of something you have "birthed" but I am not asking you do let it all go, just retell it in a different more reader grabbing format.
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439
Review of Color Word Search  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
great colors, not all mt favs but good ones too
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440
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
There were too many of the same words and too long words. The ended up all in rows and it was too easy.
However, this being your favoirte author, what are the names of the books and where can the be bought?
You might want to revamp the list and add titles, settings and genre so people will want to find this author.
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441
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a testamony!!! What real salvation!! I have heard a similar testamony all my life, of an athiest in a saw mill. Above the sounds of the saw God spoke and this man heard His voice. He was saved and found our church, and was a mighty worker for the Lord. I love to hear these powerful stories of changed lives.

You have given hope to those of us who still have loved ones out of the fold. My father has just been diagnosed with cancer and thankfully he is a minister and man of God. I hope that through this my siblings will return to the faith of their childhood.
I loved the begining and how you brought the reader into the story. I smiled as I recognized the words and how you wove them. Then at the end you brought it all back around. Very good writing!
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442
Review of Flow  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
How depressing. I was hoping for a happy ending, but that isn't life, things don't always end happy ever after.
Your piece was well written, The dialogue was easy to follow. At the point Rory dropped into the water, it seemed unrealistic. Why didn't Eric do anything about Rory? there was no signal between the two to not talk or worry. Normally a boy would be trying to get the man back into the boat. he didn't even come up and say "Shush don't look at me, keep paddling" Eric seemed very unconcerned about the behavior of Rory. Your summation seemed to be that Eric became a ner-do-well just because Rory wasn't there for him. By your earlier conversation, Eric seemed to be very intelligent, asking very deep questions? Something else in his life caused his lack of good judgement. Mostly a lack of self esteem. There seemed to be a lack of direction in the piece. You told a good story, but it had no point, no moral no reason for telling it. What did we learn? what did you want us to know? in plain words "so what?" I started to care about the two then you ended it in morbid fashion. While you don't need a happy ending, there needs to be something learned or goal. there was no goal to this piece.
443
443
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
General Impressions
If I were writing a plot review this would have received a glowing 5+++ but this is a writing review.

{c:red)Plot
The basic story line is great!BUT The goal of the boys were not defined, What was the reason for the fire? Boys always have a reason. Revenge? why? Just the love of seeing the fire burn? I was unsure of the reason for starting the fires.

Style and Voice
You switched back and forth between points of view. You need to be more clear who is speaking and it should be no more than 2 people's view point. What the policeman sees and hears from the people and from one of the boys. We need to here their voices, plans how did they decide what fires to start, what or who pushed them to do it?


Referencing-Setting
I liked that you had a real town and a real setting. Even if you changed the names I felt it was a real place. The year referece at the beginning was okay, then you told us again the year. You may want to rethink that. i.g. "It was the (season) of 1985, I was ?years old and ran with a rough bunch of boys that were (yrs), we thought we were tough and invincible. We learned by the end of the summer we were neither." That gives the reader some sense of what the time span is going to be.


Scene/Setting
Keep the setting the same through out the piece. It is hard to read when you make the reader jump back and forth between POV.

Characters
I didn't really get a sense of the characters, it was mostly plot driven, what was happening to the town not the boys. When you pick just 2 POV one boy and the policeman then you will have what is happening in both areas from their points of view. It keeps the reader in the story.

Just my personal opinion
I love 2nd chances, "But for the grace of God go I" who knows what any of us would do in certain circumstances. I think you need to make the reader be unsympathic to the boys at first. The policeman needs to reveal to the reader that he knows the boys are not unredeemable. They did this because??? While it was wrong and distructive, it was a turning point in their lives and made a lasting impression on (all or just one) the boys. You need(which I feel you did) leave the reader to make their own decision for forgiveness. But give them all the FACTS. A hardened cynic will say Justice was not served, but most of us want redemption and belive that everyone should get a second change. Make us belive it.
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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
WOW! This was a great story. It had all the elements that kept me reading to the end! I loved the historical reference that kept it real. His dicovery of the ancient photos on his camera. Then realizing he was in the photos. I have only one suggestion and that is to have him notice people in the photo's earlier, then at the end when he goes back over the photos he see's his picture in each photo. His reincarnation in each era? or as a soldier moving through the city. Maybe sinister?
Great story, it kept me reading to the end!
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Review of Who was Jesus?  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
As a Christian I have a personal relationship with Jesus. He hears and answers prayers, comforts me. We just found out that my father has cancer. I see that he has the attitude that he has lived a good life, and is ready to go to heaven, I certainly don't want him to stay here. For what? he is 81 years old and God has taken care of him all his life, I have seen the miracles God has performed in our family, He cares when I lose my keys or a paper. When I am not sure what direction to go. He miracleously sold our home and we moved to be closer to my family, just in time to find out my father may die, how good is that? I can spend time with him that I didn't when I live 1800 miles away! There is an order in the world that only the ignorant ignore. Those who bless shall be blessed, those who curse shall be cursed, Those who say they have no belief will belive, but sadly too late. Okay I will stop preaching, but you gave me a platform :)
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Review of Uninvited Guests  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
you have a good plot even if it was too predictable. You have all the elements of a good story, but that plot has been done, re done and overdone. As I read I was very interested in your characters, their motivation and the goal. When I got to the end I was let down. It didnt give me anything that hasn't been done hundreds of times. I have been watching PS and any one of those stories could be adapted to a great story line. Make me nervous or concerned for the child but don't end it with "go to the light" and they did. I know you can do better than that.
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447
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I got the voice of the woman. She was distraught. The experience she had was unrelated to anything in her memory, her past or relationship with her husband. I was left outside watching something that made no sense or had clarity. What did the river boat or her father have anything to do with her missing her husband? If at the end you told us that it was the way he was killed. But 1957-2004? there were no riverboat gamblers then. So when I finished, I had more questions than answers.

Your dialogue was short and to the point, you didn't bore us with loads of tags. The words were crafted but the plot was not very good.
448
448
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really liked the story. As I have been around deaf people I saw that the writer knew their paranoia and concerns.
Your characters are good, the detail of the smell was a bit of distraction as I didn't get WHAT the smell specifically related to, just his father. Later the smell related the boy to the man. Nothing else was necessary, but it wasn't that big of a distraction.
I was especially interested in his sensory after gaining his hearing. It was too short. He moved too fast. It is my experience that upon hearing tumultuous sounds it is deafing (no pun intended) The brain is so confused that it shuts down. Hearing people learn to tune out white noise. All noise to the undeaf, is very painful. They cannot dissimulate. he would try to cover his ears, his eyes would water from the pain, his heart would be beating so fast and he would wonder how hearing people could hear anything with all the noise.
With this first affront, he might force himself to deal with the sounds (with his hands over his ears and everyone watching him with the same pity he saw before. He could hear, why are they looking at him like that. Then he to get away from the people he backs off the curb and falls into the street. The last thing he hears is the screaming of tires and the blaring of the horn as he loses the coin.
Okay I didn't mean to rewrite your ending, I am sorry. I just wanted you to know I was disappointed in the reality. It would not be the wonderful thing to suddenly hear after never hearing.
Other than that minor issue (mine alone I am sure) your writing is descriptive and to the point. I liked the story!
449
449
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is a good overview. Sort of opposite of what is written now. I am curious as to how you plan to make a story with this information. You have to have characters, some kind of goal and a motivation to reach it then some conflict to keep them from their goal.
i.g after a number of years of evolution. A scientist is doing an MRI on a host and hears strange things. He takes the "recording" home and his/her child who is into electronics manages to filter the sound and it is a 3rd person talking. giving instructions to the host. how to react when awakened, how to handle blah...
What do I do with this information? do I tell authorities? now you have to have some goal, a motivation? maybe they heard a PLOT of some sort. I think you have a good foundation, but you need a riviting story to carry it out, Possible 2-3 or series of people's stories that are all brought together at the end.
I would be interested in what you decide to do.
450
450
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
{c:red)Plot
Could be a great story if I knew what was going on. I got a dead person in an inn, but you then distracted the reader by TELLING us a bunch of back story. I got that she was having company but there was nothing that made me want to turn the page or even keep reading to the end.

Style and Voice
You either will have to do a prolog with all the set up if you want all that backstory. Try reading this aloud and you can see the narrator is distracting the reader. Stick to the problem. Have her tell some one that she has company in less than an hour and needs this DONE. Give us a sense of how she handles pressure, good or bad? Why have the dead person gone? what if people come in and she watches to see their reaction? Is she the "detective" in the story? If not then the "Dick" needs to talk to all the guests, what better way?


Referencing-Setting
I like the setting, you TOLD us everything, instead of having us discover the setting through her eyes. Never tell when you can show.
I would love to read more about the Inn in Alaska(wonderfull idea as nights are long-good thinking!!!!)

Scene/Setting
I am curious about how the dead person got there,but it was mild curiousity. give the reader a sense of urgency other than company coming. Was he famous? well loved? hated?
Characters
I got the owner, her husband? Rafe? he appears all of the sudden in thought? a little tag would be helpful


Just my personal opinion
I think you have a great start to a story, with a little more information and re write you could trigger the reader (me) to really get into this story. I would be happy to read more, I have been reading Vamp books all my life. Stoker ot Feehan to the new authors (some I do not like) But I love a good vamp story. I have written one myself.
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