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Review Requests: ON
1,500 Public Reviews Given
1,962 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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401
401
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
you the decorum I taught her! needs " at the end.
Willie’s blurry eyes just looked vacant, but with a nice red hue. who was looking at them to say this? You might want to say what he saw through his own bleary sight.
His buddy who had been knocked down was out cold. there needs to be a ; after down or at least a comma. or make it 2 sentences.
I loved this story. I think you should have received first Prize. You have the best Character(s) and I can picture everything that you wrote about!
Great Job!!!!
402
402
Review of The Willow  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
It looks like a story and reads like a poem, I never could really get the picture in some poems. But I think I get what you are trying to say, There is an old woman and a willow tree she likes to sit near and touch. That it? That's all I got. because the first few lines I thought she was olding a willow waling stick, then you talked about leaves. I got lost in all the verbage. While you have beautiful words that make a picture, to me it was like looking at a Monet. I think I may have to step back in order to really see what you are trying to say.
While I didn't get it, I don't think it is bad. It may just be me not being able to see what you have painted. See if others see it more clearly and idnore this.

Little reason had before arisen for her to move from her rooted position this sentance doesn't make sense to me in the context of what you wrote. I don't thing the arisen is the right word for this sentence

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403
403
Review of Evergreen Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Awesome Story.
I loved the way you gave the reader at the beginning a sense of what the girl is feeling. Of what her sense of duty to her mother is.
I was sure she was going to find a diary or a notebook that would reveal something about Sage. What was revealed was worth the read. and the sruprose ending!! I wanted to know more, How it was accompished.
Good writing.
A couple of grammer things but you can catch them with a rewrite.

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404
404
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Some advice to start 1) all stories have a goal that must be revealed right away in a short story. The dream had nothing to do with Sara having cancer. (at this point) This might work later on in the story but not at the beginning. 2) after you have the goal (to fight with everything Abbey has to beat the cancer forSara. What does she have ? 3) what is preventing this? money? insurance? time? 4) what choices does Abbey make to overcome the conflicts? take a 2nd job? husband does too, rob banks on the side? sneak in to other patients with same treatment and swap bags leaving the empty for full.
These are things that make people sit up and turn the page. Start with #4 and then explain why she is doing it? especailly if it is illegal?
Before you go much further you will need to have Character charts made and 1,2,3,4 laid out. it may change and probably will, but it give you a guide line as you are madly keying in your words. All stories follow this format, but the order they are revealed and the reasons are what make up keep turing the pages.
If this is a short story you have to have 1234 all in a short space. It becomes a book when you decide to elaborate and fill in the skeleton.
Keep writing! *Wink*


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405
405
Review of I'm Sorry  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very well written, I feel badly that you accept this as failure. I see someone that tried to do right within their means, Feeling helpless in the the knowledge and ability, and lack of strength does not mean lack of love. A mother knows, that in your heart you did what you could. If eyes were judging, if tears fell, if lips failed to return the tender words of love, do not think they were in vain. You did what you could and someday should the situation come your way, you will understand. Even if you don't believe in Him, He stands ready to fill in the words, hold the hand and kiss the cheek.
Take heart.


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406
406
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
They liked the idea of having the rarest blood readily available for devouring whenever they pleased. This has been going on for quite some time, but their current ‘stock’ is getting old and weak. They’re hunting again for young humans with rare blood types. What they're doing isn't right. Our mission is to find out where they’re hiding and stop them.” is this your goal? it is a very weak one. Who cares if they try to get rare blood? Blood is blood to a vampire, and if they want to get elite blood, why should any vamp care? I.G. If you like Blue mountain coffee, the coffee bean is grown only in Jamaica, on one side of a hill and above a certain elevation, you will have to pay a premium. No one cares if you will do anything to get it because there is just as good coffee (to most of the people) available. Now if you were buying up all the coffee would any one care? no, if you had to kill anyone who tried to buy the coffee, only the Jamaicans would be a little upset but as long as you paid them so what? Do you see where I am going? your plot is weak, If the vamp herded the rare blood types into cages and bled them as animals, then you might have a story...so if this is what you are going to do ignore the above and go for it, if not you might want to do a little rethinking.




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407
407
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
My thirst didn’t reveal itself until I hit puberty, but even after that my thirst was never as great as my mother’s was.
why would the mother say she didn't know anything? If she was trying to apease the Dr, please say so because this is odd. A Vamp mother would never do this, also there are characteristics of a vamp that would be revealed in their blood if tested. Now, If you are going to change things in your vamp workd you will have to teach the reader that your world is different then what they have read in other books. Make fun of the other books, stero types etc, but outline as you write the differences.
looked like me only with auburn hair and she was leaving the blood bank this is too obvious and to short an explaination for a book. In a book if you are going to explain things as they are happening, you have to SHOW what is going on, How did they knwo she was a vamp? just cuz she was leaving a blood bank? how could two mortals kill a vamp? explain that to the reader, we believe that Vamps have extreme power or strength. If they were scared of a young vamp they would have been terrified of an adult one. So this sequence isn't believeable.
You have got through the first chapter and I don't know what the story is going to be about. You haven't hooked me with a goal (to find something? find her father? anything? what is it she wants?) then you can add what is going to make her go after that goal until she attains it and what is going to try to stop her from gaining this goal. Think of the books you have read, they all have this formula and in the first chapter you should be hooked. I can't give you a name yet because I don't know anything.



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408
408
Review of Peter  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Peter probably had experiences I do now. He loved; I love rework this sentence. I know what you are trying to say, but you haven't done it right.
who I was know { now )
The air had grown warm instead of hot. wrong term, You do not GROW warm from hot. you grow hot from cold. You need to change to something like "The air had become more comfortable from the earlier oppressive heat." If there is a word count issue, just say "The air cooled from the blistering heat." This refers to the blisters he got earlier and keeps it in context.
The fact that you related history to the situation places the reader (of an age) into memories of their own. The true Hippies were 18-25 in the mid 60's so he would have already reached the over the hill statis, or been working for THE MAN by that time. at 69 he would have been 40 '65-35 that was old by their standards. just a little note.
I really liked this story. I liked the way you asked questions we all ask when we are surmising something unknown. You gave a wonderful tribute to a man whose family honored him by offering rest to the weary, a place for reflection.


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409
409
Review of Passionate Vibes  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
oily hair this sound unkept, dirty. Oiled hair is somthing done with sweet or scented oils and has a different context.
observe her S's family and here do not match. even though we are supossed to know who you are refering to it should say, To of seve the wife, object of his thoughts, somthing more diescriptive. (I know WC)
aroma of her release drenched the room This is a little overdone, what aroma was it?? did she fart? *Wink*

Great end!! He was the one wearing the SMILE!! great Job!!!


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410
410
Review of The Lesson  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
like that of a woman in labor. not something that a boy would reference.
yes, you have to go to the left side bar and in tools find ML help and there is a list of things to make; color, emotion icons and itallics.
I think you have a very good piece here. The itallics will make a difference. If you can't work them, put his thoughts apart with a double space or somethng. even change the color.

This is real. What we all have experienced in some form will strengthen us or break us right or wrong it made us what we are today. The lack of Dicipline (training) leads to waywardness, laziness, lack of determination. Some corpal punishment is needed for some people, but fear, embarrassment, humiliation are things that should never enter the Dicipline room.


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411
411
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
In my mind moderators, or those with colored cases are not the better writers, but like me are trying to be noticed and in the process noticing others. I don't know what it takes to get those cute cases but some day I hope to have one.


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412
412
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a very cute and well thought out story, however, it is something that you told to us without making it a "STORY" This was just "Here is my idea of a story do you like it?" You have a goal, a little motivation and conflict and a good ending. NOW make it a story. Put yourself in one of the characters eyes and take us through the story. Would you have read the Wiz of Oz if some said There was this girl who was mad at her aunt and uncle and ran away only to get picked up by a tornado and dropped into another world. She had all kinds of adventures until she reached the Wizard who told her to click her heels and go home?
You have a wonderful story, one that could be an adventure for kids with animals that sniff around since they have no fire, The fog must encompase them but still leave them some latitude to find wood and find their way back to the camp site. Open your imagination, let your muse flow and write this story again in color! You could make a movie that would sell or even a best selling children's novel if you just imagine!!!
Go for it !!

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413
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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great story. I loved Jeb and that you made him a "hick" not to be believed. His goal was to make a time travel chair. I am not sure what his motive was or WHY he did it. Money? fame? but he was smarter that the average bear and somehow came up with the knowledge. I am sure some would question the fact that since he didn't go to college, univ or some very high learning establishment, he couldn't have done it. But you proved that by the ending where the chair wasn't plugged in.
I loved this story, it flowed right to the end and I didn't want to stop. The aliens and their explainations were believable and tied into the story well! I think you should really contact the SCI-FI magazine and send it in! I think they would print it in a heart beat. It is funny and scientific at the same time!!! If you get it accepted, drop me a note and I will buy that issue!!!
Great job!

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414
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Review of The New Bus 16  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
busses that - buses
how the original Israelites had felt before the looming sea had been parted in a miracle unseen by any but the only one who could change everything -change this to. There was no real fear of the water they feared the Pharoh and his men behind them, caught between death from the pharoh, and death if they Egyptians ordered them back to make bricks without straw!
This story is one the best I have read. You english is fine! You write with a heart and with humor! even the part at the end about the package under the seat was good.

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415
Review of The Fallen Part 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am not sure if you want us to like N or dislike her. If she is a fallen demon is she redeemable?
You have good action, but I don't really "see" the characters. I feel like a blind person being told the action because I can't see the actors.
She was suddenly very aware that she was covered in the blood of the dirty beasts she had slaughtered-- How could she not know. rethink this paragraph. Walking around bloody is not a good thing.
Several minutes later,- she had a battle and a few minutes (that is less than a mile walkng time) she arrives at a castle or whatever the "destination" is. If it is a large hall, she would have been able to see it from where she was and so could everyone else see her and the battle. Please think these things though. Picture where she is, where she is going. How does she get there? fly, transport? how far can she transport at one time? around the world or a few miles?
You need to know the topography of the world you have created. See it in your mind as you write, Make a map so you are always aware of where people are and how long it take to get there.
You stated a goal- to kill the warlock, what is her motivation? does she really want to die? I don't think so or she would have let the demon do it. She has hope for redemtion I am guessing is her motivation and the conflict is the warlock doesn't want to die *Bigsmile* But does the warlock have a motive? If he kills her does he gain her powers? If he drinks her blood will he have a connection to the Lord and Lady? hmmm there's a thought??
Keep writing this could get real good!

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416
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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Amazing insite from a four year old. I see the same things in a coworker's son who loves to come vist his mother's work. We all love him and I sure miss the hugs when he has to leave.(I am laid off) Sometimes he stays with his "real' dad and has another dad that he loves too. From his mother I hear things he has said that she knows comes from the "real' dad. I am so proud at how calmly she chastizes "dad: for his actions and comments but is so firm about what she allows their son to see, hear and experience. Kudo's to all the single mother's trying to do a bang up job of raising two "boys" It ain't easy girls!!!


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417
Review of Eulogy for Dad  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Amen, What a wonderful passage, both verbage and in life. You did very good and I had a few good swalllows just to keep my emotion in place. I loved the word painting of Kimberly's wonderful smile. I hope I am as strong as I face the present and future. I pray the passing will be sooner rather than later.

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Review of I Am the Fallen  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was a very well written piece. You spoke your opinion well, gave examples to back it up, and a reason as to ehy you do it.
There is no dialgue and it is all narrative, while I usually don't like to read that style, your subject matter and conclusion had me intrigued.
I liked the way you described Lucifer and yet did not give an overstated personal opinion, your thoughts left the reader to come to the same conclusion without boxing them into a corner with it.
Great job!!!

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419
419
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well written, but there are some issues I have with the flow. At the beginning he wakes and is bloody, there is something there but the reader is not told what it is or how he disposed of it. He suddenly is going into some trance. and at the end he has killed the landlord's dog.
I don't see a goal in this story except to explain why he does what he does. motive? he is controlled by the devil? conflict? noting is trying to stop him. While I understand what you art trying to tell. I think the you need to rework the layout of the story to start with finding the dead dog, then trying to figure what triggered this incident when he had controlled it in the past few years. Was he tired and just gave in to the voices in his head? They opened a door for Satanic posession but you didn't set that up in the ritual discription. You should have told that when he complied he was taken over but he never told anyone. or did he? what happened to the others at that little meeting? The story left out too much that I think needed to told. Why?

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420
Review of By the Fireside  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The was a very well written piece at the beginning. The set up was great with ample discription and dialogue. Then there is a rush to the finish. As if at some point you were afraid to realy wirte what you wanted to. or just weren't sure how to end it so you did, just end it.
The goal of Dan was to have a friend he could confide in and trust. motivation- to reveal the truth of the deed that he had done in secret, conflict, the boy( you didn't give him an name "I") trusted him so completely that it wasn't possible for him to believe that Dan could have done something so terrible. That was the breakup of the friendship. Dan had revealed his truth and "I" did not beleive him so it remained a tortured secret.
Now the effect that the newpaper article had on "I" was unbelieveable. The fact that he had not beleive it possible in the beginning, what made it so tramatic to his own life now? It was possible that it hadn't been his friend. What changed? you see if all the years that passed, one does not become metally attached to "possibilities" ony actualities. Now if he had seen the girl, or even if Dan had elluded to what he had done then "I" would have felt the responsiblilty of knowledge, as it was he had no prior knowledge so he woudl not have had that emotional attachment to react as he did. It wasn't believeable the way you set it up.
However, it was a very good story. if you take it apart (I know that is hard to do once you have birthed the baby) but when you feel like it. start with the last time together and ask WHAT IF? and rewrite it a couple of different ways.
Good job. You have a gift for grabbing your reader's attention and holding it to the end.

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Review of It's Not His Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very well written story, kept pace right to the end. You had enough dialogue and story line.
The goal was not clear but there was the winning or losing.
The motivation was not clear either but there was something in the anticipation
The conflict was the game
Then you rounded the whole thing in a twist. It was a satisfying ending but was very abrupt.
The conflict of the game was not clear or intense.

I liked the story for the ending, The goal and the motivation need to be clearer. While you want to keep the result a secret, you need to have a more definate desire for Mark. I still wasn't sure who he wanted to win or lose and I am still unsure who was supposed to do what. I am guessing that he Mervin ws to throw the game? but he won?
Good writing,

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422
422
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the premise of the story, you had good setting and dialgue was over the age group of the previous two stories I read.
You have Gnome's goal- be published
the motivation was to be famous
and the conflict was the dragons and what they wanted.

He learned a lesson in dealing with the dragons. For a child I didn't care about the book thing. As a writer I felt that it wa a bad choice. I felt bad that they had to use his pages to keep warm. That writiing books was not a good thing, for Gnomes. The point of the story and the lesson learned was a good one.
You do have a wonderful story telling ability. I hope to see more from you.

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423
423
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
there is only the life of the Goblyn ahead when they their impy skins and become True To Themselves- I didn't understand this sentance
You have a goal, izzy to cause mayhem even stealing
The motivation was to satisfy his sweet tooth
The conflict was the warning and the result of eating the chocolate
Again I don't thnik you have enough setting discription, but for the target group you probably don't need it. I still didn't get a picture of izzy. What my past reading experience bring me, that for an imp to grow to be a pixie or Gnome Ididn't get a sense of what they look like.
I like the way you wove the tale and told it in such simple words that there really is no misunderstanding of the goal and the result of stealing, or not minding signs.
Great JOB!

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424
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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a great story and one that should be published with picture for children.
The goal is for Pung ot cross the bridge
The motivation is to get the swamp apples home to make pie, tea and such
The conflict are the Trolls.
Yes set the scene, however you spent a lot of time on the action and very little on the setting itself. A childrens picture book would do that for you. A reader needs to see what the bridge is like, what his home is like, I take it the Trolls do not LIVE under the brige because the Queen told them to stay away from bridges.

Since most people have seen Shrek and some have seen pictures of what a Troll might look like (Harry Potter) you may be okay, but on the other hand, you may want to make more discriptive words about how he carried the apples. Shape of his hands, Was he green or brown? Were his ears pointed or round and floppy.

I liked your plot and how you set it all up. You didn't rush through it , but hooked the reader to find out what was going to happen to the Trolls. If the pie was good, why would they eat the apples? You explained that beautifully.
You did a great job on this story and I hope to see it in print some day.

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
What I liked and why
The story flowed evenly without too much interruption

Plot
a boy wants to go home- there doesn't seem to be a motive for him to go home, I am guessing there will be conflict from the witches

Style and Voice
Choppy, doesn't complete thoughts and assumes the reader is following on the same road. but is in fact trying to catch up

Referencing-Setting
City,state but no time (it isn't needed yet)

Scene/Setting
At the beginning it is done very well. As the story progresses the speed increases and some of this is lost as the story takes over

Characters
Didn't know it was a male until the Witch says something about a boy. He had no name and was not intoduced until well into the story. No discription, age, or reference

Just my personal opinion
It is a reamake of Wizard of OZ and I am guessing will try to take a spiritual meaning. I think the plot is over done and the similarity to the original is too close. It is ripped off the original version. It would be better to make this a quest without the storm, the house landing on a witch and the shoes. There are so many other ways to make this story that to paraphrase a classic is not something that will endear you to the public.

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