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151
151
Review of Whispering Walls  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, again, Nixie,

You have way too much stuff to look at, read, review, marvel over, and otherwise relish. So I just finally relented and looked for something that might offer a respite from the overwhelming cavalcade of splendiferous offerings that bulge from your near countless folders *Smile*

While this is surely not one of your best stories, nor believable ones, I found it so surreal and intriguing, where I loved the whole "Welcome home," whispered the walls, "Welcome home," scratched the tree branch against the window, "We've been waiting," sighed the wind -- that you won me over despite an illogical (in my opinion) and lackluster ending.

For me, the piece is very visual, and I pictured one of those episodes from a TV (or feature film) anthology of scary stories. It works very well in that context. It would also be wonderful as an audio-only work, narrated with sound effects. As a straight read, I was less than thrilled, however, because I wanted to like the protagonist and things only grew worse for him -- and for the reader. It's certainly not the fault of the writing, at which you excel and leave only the content itself for evaluation.

It's almost like you lost interest in the story about 3/4 of the way through. I don't know. I understand a prompt was involved. I think there's a really good ending still waiting to be told here. One that matches the superb build-up and match-up of Flint with the creepy physical surroundings that confront him. Let alone the spirits of the disgruntled deceased *Smile*

Well, I've said enough, but let me know if I made sense in the process. I look forward, when time permits. to returning to your port and reading more of your totally professional work. It's been my pleasure (and honor) to be picky with it. *Smile* And easy 3 1/2 stars, and an easier 4 1/2 with the right ending.
Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
152
152
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Marisa,

As you can see, I totally messed with your writing. Much less than you might think, however. What I did essentially, was simply to break the whole thing up into what seemed to be natural splits in both thought and action. While I didn't intend this as the be-all, end-all of how your paragraph breaks ought to go, I did feel this would be a helpful demonstration how busting these things up can reveal what we're saying and doing, and what might be missing or shouldn't necessarily go together. I'm sure you'll further switch things around, but if you use my chopping and slashing approach *Smile* I think you'll figure out sooner and with more clarity, exactly where the pieces fit.

Naturally I don't know where you're going with this, but I feel like you're off to a good start storywise. The main character appears to be somewhat of a lost soul, dissatisfied with life and unsure of what he really wants to do.

There's an old song about "...the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind." In this case, the answer may be in the falling rain *Smile*

Let me know if this was helpful.
Bob

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What follows is my lame attempt to put paragraph breaks into your story. Is nothing sacred? *Smile*

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that it was raining again. Third time in a week, not that I was complaining. There's a certain quality unique to the sound of falling rain; it has the ability to drown out the thoughts of others, no matter how loud they may be.

On a rainy day, I wouldn't have to dread leaving my house, fearing that the sound would overwhelm me and force me to take refuge in some corner market, while passersby regarded me with something between concern and apprehension.

On a rainy day, there would even be less people on the sidewalk, so the chance of coming across an errant exclaimed thought was much less likely.

I sighed and stretched, disturbing the black furry blob that was Atticus, my most loyal alleycat, who gave off a noise, something between a meow and a chirrup, before prancing off of the edge of the bed and out of the room.

My alarm hadn't yet gone off; the bright blue LEDs read "7:18," leaving me almost a full hour and a half before I had to get to work. Given my condition, I had done everything in my power to procure some sort of occupation that didn't necessarily require me to get out much, and I knew for certain that working in customer service was completely out of the question.

I had played out the scenario several times in my head, running through exactly what would happen every time I was on the phone with a customer. They would think something. I would respond, thinking that they had said it out loud. They would promptly freak out, and no longer want to work with our company. Right?

That may have been a slight overreaction, but I was sure that any customer would surely catch on to something weird going on after oh, say, the sixth or seventh time that it happened in one phone call. I could never be sure, and it was for that reason that I knew I had to get into a very particular line of work. Something that could be done at home, with little to no supervision or human interaction.

Journalism.

The company that hired me was apprehensive, at best, when I told them the stipulations of my employment. I would come to the office when required, but requested that most days I be allowed to work from home. They questioned me mercilessly, but I was able to convince them that I simply had a social disorder that made it difficult for me to work in crowded office areas.

That was three years earlier, when I was fresh out of college, and the editors had agreed to give me a chance, based mainly on my four year degree and a handful of stellar recommendations from my professors in college who had seen just what I could do when I didn't have to be subjected to a classroom.

Now, I had become one of the most sought after writers in the Baltimore area, one who does the most intricate research to get the job done. I sometimes wonder if I would still be so sought after if anyone knew the truth behind my most exquisite research.

Which more or less brought me to today. It was a rare day, a Tuesday, when I was expected to go into the office to attend a once weekly meeting in which we would discuss everyone's assignments, as well as the expectations and goals for the week and month.

I had, in some serious instances, found a way to get out of even these outings, however I had decided that day to take full advantage of the weather and go out, for the first time in about a week.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
153
153
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, Bareliin,

This story is too good, too well written, too strange and scary, to leave me and other readers with what I feel is an awkward and esoteric ending. I had to Google poyo, which I guessed as being one of those Japanese doll-like characters. Then I had to guess who is speaking the final word, which I suppose is the eight-year-old, who recognizes the monster as being something from either her toy box, television, or a video game. My assumption is that had the monster been a block with pegs, the last word might have been "Lego!"

This is actually a fun story and I liked it, but my fear is that the key reference will be too unfamiliar to too many readers. The only other troubling aspect, although not a major issue because I think I understand the intent, is the overall seriousness of the piece, intense and graphic, not so much as a giggle, only to put a quasi-humorous spin on things at the very end.

If the intent was to show how humor, either on purpose or by accident, is sometimes the last gasp before destruction and death, your goal was accomplished, but only half way, I believe. Or rather, the impact could be twice as powerful with an equally outlandish -- but more recognizable -- popular figure that not only might the boy or his sister recognize, but most readers as well.

Maybe just a more familiar character that bears a similar color and shape. I don't know. I like the concept, but don't play video games, so I can't help beyond my griping that the connection isn't strong enough *Smile*

Help me out here and tell me where I've gone astray, or suggest some alternatives that we both could live with *Smile*

Once again, this is very good, and for those who "get" it entirely, I'm sure it works well. Let me know because I want to like this more than I do. Which means going from good to great.
Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
154
154
Review of Friendship  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I read this as a positive message of healing. Reciprocation, and the lack of same, when it comes to our relationships with others, often trusting and being trusted, sharing a wide variety of experiences, is no doubt a fickly affair. And more often than not, we wind up being disappointed.

The great friend turns out to be less than great, less than good even. The recipient of our good will, our money, time, and caring, is soon departed with not so much as a look back over their shoulder. Worse yet, we are ignored because we're no longer needed. Thus the origin of true and authentic altruism. And the attitude that heals with every breath.

Righteous people do the right thing even when no one is looking. Did you help that friend because there was something in it for you? Did you comfort the stranger so they would like you and speak well of you? Or did you do things because you're a decent, loving person, and not for the purpose of being recognized on the street and being praised for your good deeds.

The good we do is separate from who we are. Or it should be. And in being separate, it lingers with the recipient who will carry with them the added quality of their good fortune in having known us. That is our reward. And it is the most control we can ever have. Where we hope for the best, but never expect predictable outcomes or results.

There are those who will see us and know. As well as those who will remember yet forget. The lasting impact of our effect on someone, be they stranger or friend, and be the impression brief or long, is not our concern. And when we make it so, we will likely be disappointed, both in ourselves and in others.

Isn't the real beauty of a flower found by watering it, but never snipping it for our own use? Or in wishing it was yellow instead of pink. This is a great topic that this review certainly leaves untouched and unresolved. But it is an important topic and this particular monologue gets right to the heart of it.

And comes to exact right conclusion. I loved it. Thanks for letting me ramble on. Oh, and btw, use a larger font size and nothing fancy. Simpler the better *Smile* Once more, I really liked this. You brought out a lot in me, which is what these things should do.

Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
155
155
Review of Tears  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

This is actually pretty damn good. I've read introspective pieces before, but this is one of the better ones. And what's so good about it, in at least one way, is that it represents the ultimate contradiction, the very opposite of what it describes, as is the true reality of the world.

The tone and tenor is that of the solitary man or woman. The island universe. That regardless of social interaction, assimilation, participation, no one truly knows or understands -- me. Yet through my eyes, where the truths of the world are so prevalent and potent, tears go publicly un-shed not because I am unable to weep, but because the sorrows I feel are beyond tears, are a private matter that only I could possibly understand.

The inherent contradiction is that if we, as human beings, have ever learned anything about ourselves as living, emotional entities, it is that we intrinsically, automatically, unavoidably share far more similarities than dissimilarities. We are all far more alike, than different.

And yet a great truth is described, bemoaned, and accurately portrayed in this powerful piece, more poem than prose. I think it should be rewritten as a poem (if possible) and a powerful one it would be. Free verse, of course.

I'm reminded of the yin and yang of all things, and how this work, in describing the isolation of the speaker, acknowledges his or her immersion within the communal human condition simultaneously. The flip side is that almost anyone who reads this, will think, yeah, that's me, that's how I feel. I get everyone else, but no one really gets me.

I got a lot out of this, and I hope you got something out of my evaluation. Keep up the good work. Oh, and use a larger font size, too. At least 12-point, sans serif or Times Roman. Thanks again.
Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
156
156
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well, isn't this little scarefest a nice cross between old-time radio and more current TV anthologies designed to take us, ala Rod Serling and others, into those deep dark places where we may never return -- alive! Poor Stefan sure didn't, or certainly not in his right mind. I suppose an epilogue might have shown him as now being one of the inmates himself -- complete with straitjacket.

I liked this because it set just the right tone and mood before it even got started. I could visualize everything, hear the thunder, feel the wind and the rain. Perfect. As these kind of short stories go, this was one of the better ones, and if anything, was too short. We almost needed a third story, and then the finale. I loved the old woman who got rid of her husband -- that was a classic. Hadn't heard that one before. All in all, the story lives up to the expectations it sets up, takes us to the end and doesn't disappoint.

Although there's plenty of room for some additional editing here, the structure in places is in need of repair almost as much as the Asylum itself *Smile* all the parts are nevertheless in place and solidly so. I read through this quickly, eager to see where things were going, and the easy writing style let me do just that.

Whether as a stand-alone piece, or one that eventually undergoes some final polishing, this was a great read that left me guessing and wanting more. Which is always a good thing. Nice work.
Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
157
157
Review of Porcelain Mind  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, DT21 (please forgive the shortening your moniker)

I chose your poem because we can do a quick overview and see what's weak in it, and how we can make it stronger. I love the whole idea of the metaphor you're using, and if the analogy is made more consistent and uniform, I think you'll not only appreciate the power of this particular piece, but see how the methodology can be applied to many other areas of writing.

Okay, so what am I talking about? Porcelain is both strong and weak. If you use the substance and compare it to our brains (minds) then go all the way with it. Keep the (ceramic) analogy going and don't divert to "everlasting thirst" for example, which is a water metaphor. Mixing metaphors or using them and not ending with the same ones or the same theme, can weaken an otherwise powerful piece, which your poem is -- if we don't critique it too closely. But since they pay me the big bucks to be picky (not really) *Smile* then it's my job to zero in on a work like yours and see if we can make it the best it can be.

The first six lines are terrific. And that's the last we see of the porcelain until the last line, where we need to recall that the person holding our trust is handling something as fragile as our porcelain "heart" one might also presume.

See, if in lines 7, 8, and 9, you can continue the ceramic metaphor in some way. Make the heart as fragile as the rest, yearns to remain unbroken, and instead of a "desperate mind", maybe the mind longs to be whole, without fractures, forever flawless, that sort of thing. I'd look for all the synonyms I can find on porcelain and ceramics.

Then stress the last two lines because I really like them. The idea that trust is like allowing another person to hold our very soul which, in theory, might be dropped and shattered, both on purpose or by accident.

I hope I gave you some stuff to think about. Let me know if this helps.
Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
158
158
Review of Santa Claws  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Cubby,

Me again, and I don't know why I even bother with a review format. I should just send you an email and say, "Here's your five stars, don't look for more -- I'm busy!"

Okay, so this isn't going down as one of the great literary masterpieces of modern times -- but it's close *Smile* I also think there's a hidden and secondary element to this that you may or may not have intended. Although I should know better than underestimate you. I tread lightly as I put forth the following:

His taste for blood
arose desire,
a desperate flood,
a sure vampire.

Remember one of the things that made the Grinch so great? He wasn't the real Santa, of course, but a somewhat convincing faux version that was just good enough to get job done. When I read this, the first thing that popped into my mind was that this wasn't the real Santa, but simply a whacky -- albeit evil -- vampire who found a rather unique way to disguise his true identity.

I believe the poem works well, either way, although you might consider an added "nudge" which would perhaps strengthen the notion that this may not be the actual Santa. Or maybe it is. Aha! *Smile* Let them wonder -- things are rarely what they seem.

Anyway, I scrolled way down to the end, looking for one of your poems that required some effort to find. Geez, you've been one busy lady. And it's my esteemed pleasure to once again be delighted and positively seduced by the quality of your writing.

Surely you are published all over the place, and I've just been too grouchy to notice. And if you're not, then let's get to it. Seriously. Once again congratulations to one of the truly superb writers here at WDC. What a joy it is to read work of this caliber. Thank you.

Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
159
159
Review of The Window  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Pattey,

Your story reads like a 1940's or 50's black and white novel (or movie) out of the midwest somewhere, or maybe a New York or Chicago tenement, where we get an all-too-brief glimpse of Annie's young life of being caught in the middle of almost everything. Sort of a "Grapes of Wrath" without the fruit.

How could our hearts not go out to Annie and want to cherish her as our own, even as a friend? I love the full-size doll who is not only playmate, but confident. We wonder what eventually happens with Annie. Did she follow after her promiscuous sister, who probably went nowhere? Did the father's heavy handedness get worse?

I think many of us were an Annie, or an Arnie, where dust and weeds were sometimes as comfortable and comforting as the softest down. And where our imaginary friends were sometimes our refuge from the madness that might have often surrounded us.

A wonderful, beautiful story that really moved me. An award winner in my opinion. Excellent, excellent writing. Bravo.

Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
160
160
Review of true frienship  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi,

My attention is always drawn to writers who struggle with English, whether it is their birth language or one they are learning as an additional language. I am also impressed with people who want to write, who have stories to tell, and especially if they are willing to make important improvements.

All stories have two parts: 1) the content of what the story is about, and 2) the technical parts of English grammar and punctuation.

Only with your permission, I'd like to make all the corrections that are needed to the technical part of your story. As I'm sure you know, there are a lot of them that need fixing. But that's for later, if you want.

My main concern in this review is the story itself. Obviously a tragic love story, but in need of some extra "punch". There really is a medical condition where a person cannot go into the daylight. It is called Xeroderma Pigmentosum, and played a role in the movie "The Others" with actress Nicole Kidman.

Everybody loves a sweet love story, even one that ends in tragedy, but your story doesn't give us enough to go on. Especially at the end, where the boy dies at the same time as the girl. The story is so short, we don't have time to develop any real plot, so you might consider adding a supernatural spin to the whole thing.

I like the idea of "love at first sight, first touch, first kiss" and all of that is very good. That it all happens so fast is okay, but not everything else can also happen so quickly -- not without important reasons.

At this stage, I don't want to tell you how to change the ending, or the middle of the story. I just want you to know that it needs changing, and probably in a supernatural way. We all know that vampires can't go into the daylight, for example, but I like the girl having a rare disease. I like the idea that she might sacrifice her last breaths just to see her love one more time. Even if it means her dying.

Maybe there is a curse involved, and the girl is not only cursed with the disease, but if she ever falls in love, it will mean her death. The boy doesn't know this, of course.

What the girl doesn't know is that the boy suffers from the same curse, but that he cannot go out at night.

And if he ever falls in love, he, too will die. This adds a pretty good twist to the story, but would need a little more information about why the boy and girl are both cursed -- with the same curse. The girl banished from the daytime, the boy from the nighttime. And maybe they meet only at dusk, yada, yada, yada.

See how many really cool things could be added to this? Or you can leave it as the same story, in which case most people will not be interested. Stories have to be "powerful" nowadays. They don't need lots of blood or action, but the story has to be strong, different, and with a surprising, even shocking ending. And a strong (and logical) reason for why that particular ending takes place.

Let me know if this helps, and if you'd like more help with this.

Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
161
161
Review of A Day in the Life  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
With a moniker like Hyperiongate, how could I refuse your offer to review this?

Excellent work. Well written with a clever conclusion (or just the beginning). I really liked this. And I'm in a bad mood today. I found a few little things you should look at, and listed them below:

Off to his left, "lay" a dead guard; to his right was Lefty Malone. The two had shot it out "only" a few moments earlier. They both "had exceptional aim" and now they were both exceptionally dead.

Their idea of "a first step" was to lob a crate of smoke bombs in the general direction of the alarm "now" screaming out of the bank.

Tony knew he would have to shoot his way out; "a" tough way to go, (comma) but everyone had a bad day at work from time to time. At least this day can’t get any wor…, he half-thought, just as the overhead sprinklers kicked on.

I've taken the liberty of rewriting the last line as follows: (I felt it was a bit awkward and stiff)

At least this day couldn't get any wors.... His thought was suddenly interrupted by the drenching downpour from the overhead sprinklers.

Otherwise I loved this. Really nice work.
Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
162
162
Review of Black Magic  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

I think the idea for the poem is fresh brewed, but I prefer tea myself. Seriously, maybe too heavy on the personification aspect. The poem is more expresso than decaf and loses some of its kick in the translation. Again, I think your aim was on target and I like the whole idea of the piece. If written with a bit more clarity, without being too obvious, where I sense you were too cautious, I believe this could work quite well and be effective.

Some aspects of esoterica seem to pervade the piece as well, and by that, I mean there is a hint that while some readers won't understand the particular jargon and metaphors you use -- it's as if they should. And only you and "your followers" know the true meaning of what you're talking about. This lends an unnecessary aura of mystery to what should otherwise be a straightforward (and clever) overview of the theme. Without wandering off on tangents that may (or may not) take us off topic.

With some added clarity, less ambiguity, this could easily go from 3 stars to four.
Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
163
163
Review of Number One Guy  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi, Kåre Enga,

Yes, I smiled, but as your reviewer, I don't allow myself to laugh *Smile* It's my job to look at this as a piece of writing, and only secondarily as entertainment. Ideally, you accomplish both. You succeed on the humor, but fall way short on the writing side. Not terribly, but enough so that this piece would need a lot of work before it was ready for "prime time" as they say.

I understand that his is supposed to be a "hand" written note from Dad? Or printed off a printer? That's an important consideration nowadays -- for you as the writer. There are fonts which convey a handwritten "look", a kind of scribbling, which this would need if it was intended as a standard letter. Otherwise, the form and format don't work as a piece of prose. All the little nuances that you include, which you think add to the informality, emphasis, and humor of the work, do not help and instead detract from a clear reading of what Dad is saying.

These kind of things are very difficult to write, let alone do them well. A certain finesse is required in the style, and by which readers are not put off by the author's over-the-top attempt to convey the look and "feel" of a personal letter.

Although the content of the work is clever and fresh, again the lack of clarity is enforced (and the piece harmed) by grammar and punctuation that is all over the map, as they say. Let the words speak for themselves. They don't need all the extra help you try to give them. If it's funny, you don't need emphasis.

Now that I feel like a real humbug *Smile* I hope this helps in its own way.
Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
164
164
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Dave,

Come on, now you're just showing off *Smile* How the hell am I supposed to seriously review perfection? Well, almost perfection. I did find two things to squeal about -- otherwise I don't know if I would have been pissed or pleasantly in awe of your stuff as usual. Yeah, sure, if this is something that needs work, then we all should find other things to do, give up this writing crap, and just go home *Smile*

Anyway, just to play along, since you had the audacity to send me this -- whatever it is -- I'll show you the two HUGE errors I found. Okay, they're really miniscule, but I've got to save face here:

We pump a pile of super poop from prolific brains
and post abundant gobs of graffiti in the john
to paint blunderful word pictures in lyrical chains
and dazzle folks with our arroquent lexicon.

"arrogant" is spelled wrong. Otherwise there ain't no such woid as arroquent. So there.

A proud recipient of the Butt Kiss Award,
I remain oblivious to Sir Byron Crapsalot
and his critical cohorts, whose rants are underscored
by a vast array of incriminating polyglot.

On a slightly more serious note --only slightly -- Butt Kiss is problematic. It just is. I looked it up and it has some meanings which I don't think you intended nor would like much. Any other form of the term would be okay, I think. Everything from Kiss Butt, to Butt Smooch, or whatever. I just don't like Butt Kiss. And neither should you. So there.

Okay, I'm done. You're too good and my fragile ego now needs to go find some fledgling noob and torture the poor bastard until he squeals. And it's on your head that I doth proceed. Just so you know.
Bob

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
165
165
Review of Moswen's Plight  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Alagar,
Isn't this a much improved version of your original story? Definitely. Still needs work, which means nothing more than "editing" for clarity and precise meanings. Something like this story probably should be rewritten (additional drafts) about three or more times. After that, it will be ready for a professional review, which means no longer haggling over punctuation and grammar. But we're not there yet. I've made some corrections and comments below for you to review and consider, and learn not to make the same mistakes again. We all do, but at least you're on your way to learning not to *Smile* See my final comments at the bottom.

Believing herself invincible, she thought, “Nothing could possibly ruin this day!” Unfortunately, it was destined to be spoiled.

In the sentence above, never use quotes with thoughts. Only with actual dialogue.

Seizing the opportunity, a deadly cobra wound it’s way out of the sparse brush and across the sand toward the princess in her careless slumber. "Ah, yesss," the serpent whispered to itself, "another carelesss human to feast upon. Oh how I love the feeling of my fangsss ssinking into their sssoft flesh as the venom rushesss into their blood."

Notice above that I combined two paragraphs into one, and the snake now whispers to itself. This allows you to use the nice touch of "slurring" the words and making them snakelike -- I liked that. There's a lot about how to correctly do paragraphs in this message, so pay close attention *Smile* Especially to the next section.

The snake neared Moswen, and then drew back its head preparing to strike.

Just before the serpent's deadly fangs would have plunged into the body of the (queen, right?), an angry viverrine rushed to save her, diving and screeching at the cobra.

Moswen bolted awake, and screamed in her fright.

The rescuer then dove at the cobra and plunged its sharp teeth deep into the top of the snake's neck, surprising it, and causing the serpent to fall dead to the ground.

In the new paragraphs above, each "player" or character is given their own paragraph as it should be. Never combine two characters into one paragraph unless the action itself only involves one character. See the last paragraph directly above? Notice how the whole thing is now about the mongoose? Compare the changes I've made to each of these sentences and paragraphs and inspect how I broke them up and added some new words, removed a few, too.

New stuff below:

Moswen saw this and shouted in alarm, “Atum, no!” But it was too late. As the arrow hurtled through the air on a perfect path towards the animal’s head, the queen leapt through the air, placing herself between the arrow and its intended target. A terrifying instant later, Moswen crashed to the ground as the deadly shaft buried itself deep into the woman's chest.

In the crucial scene above, the action has to be fast -- as fast as the arrow. Note the changes I made to your original in order to accomplish this.

Notice how I cut this down to a bare minimum of words. You don't want a lot of description. The reader will know what's happened with very little added input from you. Notice also how I try to use synonyms whenever possible. Don't repeat the same words over and over again. Keep it simple unless we need important information. Use personal pronouns like "he" and "she" instead of repeating names over and over. "Queen" for Moswen, or "she", or "the woman".

New stuff below:

Atum dropped his bow (no comma) and rushed to her side in the horrifying realization of what he had done. (don't need "just") Tears streamed down his face as the prince, (king?) his hands shaking, picked up his bride. Sobbing a deep, mournful cry, he knew she had only moments to live. “Why?" he pleaded. "Why did you take my arrow for that wretched animal?" We already know he's crying, and we don't need to repeat the obvious. We know that he thought she was being threatened. Notice how I changed some sentence here, too. The reason is that we don't want to put too much into any one sentence, and don't use too many words ending in "ing". It gets to be boring, fast. We want to make our sentences interesting, with different lengths, and said in different ways, with the fewest possible words, adjectives, and verbs.

Keep in mind what I said about additional drafts. It's normal to do them over and over again until we get it right. Not perfect, just "clean" as they say. And watch those paragraphs. Each character gets their own. But to make it interesting, combine them, here and there, but always where our POV (point of view) is from a single individual.

Let me know when you're ready for some added input *Smile*
Bob

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166
166
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dave,

Spectacular mix of history and docudrama. Beautifully written and stands as one of the better, if the best, works of this sort that it's been my pleasure to review. Bravo on all counts while doing a terrific (and horrific) homage piece to one of lesser known true stories of the Civil War. I loved it from first word to the last. Almost *Smile*

I'm torn on the ghostly, supernatural slant to the piece. I love the idea, but I'm not sure the promise lives up to the execution. It's a nice touch, but as such a small, undeveloped element, it begs the question of whether or not it's really needed. I realize the POV is Frank's alone, and it could have just as well been that of a living relative who is passing on the story via his own research and knowledge. Ala Titanic.

I suppose, in the final analysis, the argument is that it adds a bit of a cutesy aspect to a story that otherwise honors the courage and bravery of a group of men who were victimized by an ignorance of carbon-dioxide asphyxiation. If Disney did the story or the Discovery Channel, it would work absolutely.

It still works. And I wouldn't listen to me. But I'd think about it.

Once again, my stovepipe hat is off to you, my friend. You should be proud of this, and I'm sure you are.
Bob

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167
167
Review of Moswen's Plight  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi, Alagar,

I thought you got off to a rousing start with your story, and gave readers an interesting and disturbing event to witness. But...this is more of a prologue to a longer story, don't you think? Even short stories need a conclusion of sorts, and yours provides, instead, the cliffhanger we expect to find at the beginning of a novel or novella.

The double spacing makes editing easier, but reading more difficult, and my personal advice is to single space, as if your work was already published. It's more helpful to you, I think, if you can see your writing as it would appear if published, in which case you may make additional mistakes which need fixing. So all in all, give us your best shot.

Once you squeeze all this together, I think you'll find some additional rough spots in the writing that need work and attention. But especially the climax and the ending. Let me give you a quick example of what I'm talking about, that you may find helpful.

Allow me the liberty to rewrite part of your story, just for demonstration only:

Instead of a mouse, which is cliche, let's say that a badger is what frightens the elephant. Maybe it was asleep, the elephant nearly steps on it, and in the ruckus, the princess is left alone just like before. With no sign of the badger or the elephant. Exhausted, the princess falls asleep. That's when the snake, a deadly cobra, appears and is about bite and kill the girl.

But out of the nearby brush, the badger reappears, as if from nowhere, then attacks the cobra and kills it just moments before the snake would have bitten the princess. Badgers do kill cobras in real life.

In your story, the badger, as if to make up for the trouble he caused, has saved the princess' life. Just then, the husband, frantic with worry over the late arrival of his wife, has been searching for her. When the husband sees the badger with the princess, he mistakenly thinks she is in danger and he slays the badger with an arrow.

Now that's a story, my friend. Notice how many interpretations can be pulled from all the different ideas and elements the reader has to work with? Let me know if you get what I'm saying and what I've tried to show you. Ask me any questions which you have as well.
Bob

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168
168
Rated: E | (4.0)
20-Mike-14, this is too good to be so short. I had to read it twice and liked it better each time. I like the idea that the view is apparently from Saturn. I think a half page would do this justice, given a bit more explanation such as the location being from one of Saturn's moons and not the essentially uninhabitable planet itself. Life is thought to be possible among the moons of the gas giants in our solar system, so it's easier to go with as much realism as possible.

Although this theme has been done before, I like the fresh twist that your writing puts to it. Very nice. And still a shocker once you get it. More of a shocker, I think, with a more detailed setup. Not a lot, but maybe three times its current size. Give us some extra punch in the detail of deep space, the rings, other moons nearby, some distant. Other colonies on other moons. I'd play with this a bit more before finalizing it. Lots of possibilities. But I'm with you, also. Keep it simple. Just not too simple *Smile*
Bob


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169
169
Review of Writer's Block!  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Ben, I thought your opinion piece was provocative enough, and written well enough, to provoke a response from yours truly. And I'm always truthful *Smile*

I heard a definition one time, of what writers block really is, in actuality. I liked the definition and in all honesty, have never suffered from the condition since.

One first needs to recognize that there's no such thing as writers block. That's a good first step, wouldn't you say? So what is meant, then, by the term when people use it? One explanation is found in an examination of why we decided to write anything in the first place, way back when. The answer is a kind of romance novel, a love affair where we fall in love and from time to time, fall out of love.

What is commonly referred to as writers block is, in reality, little more than the grief we feel, a broken heart, if you will, that results from a major breakup, a split, a love affair gone painfully bad. In effect, we've either fallen out of love with writing, or writing, we feel, has somehow betrayed us and is no longer our lover who once embraced with a great passion.

Defeating writers block means falling in love again. Whether it's within a story already started, or beginning an entirely new piece of work, we need to court, flirt, and otherwise treat the writing as if it were a living, breathing person who craves our love and attention. And who are we to refuse such an inviting offer?

They say that make-up sex is really great. I seem to recall the truth in that, though it's been a while *Smile* For some people, they need to metaphorically do the same with something they're currently writing. For new material, whether she (or he) is a blond, brunette, or redhead, it's time to turn on the charm and start wooing the hell out of them. More likely than not, you'll be rollicking in the old hot tub before you know it. Writers block? Who? You? Never!

Whatever one decides to write, to reacquaint themselves with, the "quality" of the writing can also be its own Viagra, so to speak. Boning up on the basics of good grammar and punctuation is another surefire solution to getting back into the dating game, so to speak.

The amoral to the story, then, is that once we recapture the passion, we don't have to search through drawers looking for inspiration. The inspiration will find us. She (or he) will come crawling back, begging forgiveness, and welcoming any advance you might wish to make. So drop your inhibitions, grab the cialis, and go for it.

Let me know if this helps. And if you guys are back on speaking terms. Or more *Smile*
Bob


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170
170
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, littleMolly, you're not going to be happy with this review. So please allow me to get that out of the way, right away.
In answer to your questions, your story is boring and needs lots of improvements. But is it any good at all? Let me tell you the good news. Which is the fact that you came to this website, created an account, and made an effort to share something of yourself and put it into writing. This is a big step for people to make, and you should be proud of yourself for taking that step.

That said, you need to take a deep breath and understand that you have a lot of work to do, if you ever want to write something that people will both read and enjoy. A lot of work to do. I don't want to discourage you so much that you want to give up before you even get started, but at the same time, you want to have a realistic idea of how much there is for you to learn.

Almost everything in your writing is worded poorly with missing or wrong punctuation, haphazard spacing, and the list goes on for a while longer. Anyone who reads your stuff and tells you any different is not helping you. This is like boot camp, in a way, where you joined the army and the sergeant in charge is yelling at the new enlistees, telling them to shape up if they want to be soldiers. So do you want to be a writer one day? Well, you need to drop and give me twenty pushups to start, soldier *Smile* If you're willing to do that, writing-wise, there's a place for you here. I think you've got what it takes because you sound brave and gutsy.

But, OMG, littleMolly, dust off a grammar book or two, and grab a few books by well known authors. Study how they write all kinds of scenes and compare them to what you've written. This website is ill-equipped to do intensive, line-for-line editing and critiquing. But it's a great place to measure your progress. See if there's a group you can join, even here somewhere, where people like yourself can get the one-on-one attention you need -- at least for a while.

Let me know if you have any more questions (if we're still on speaking terms) *Smile* and I'd be happy to give you another nudge in the right direction.
Bob



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171
171
for entry "Invocations" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, jonjames (that's easier than writing out "The Escape Artist" which I just did anyway) *Smile* This review is a followup to my previous commentary regarding the prologue to your fine work, Threads in the Tapestry.

I looked though two different chapters to make sure my criticisms weren't misplaced, but indeed represented my concerns accurately. First, I found no problem with the dialogue. In fact, it's as excellent as all the rest of the narrative. But I did encounter something distracting and off-putting.

Before I say anything, I have to confess that I didn't check, but your stuff is on Amazon and elsewhere, right? As regular books or as eBooks or both? Like I said, I'm running around here, sort of doing "flash" reviews for now, and before moving on, I wanted to compliment your work once more, and take a moment to bitch about the problem I found. You also should have a website. They're cheap nowadays, and easy enough to make on your own. I did mine, and I'm no wizard when it comes to such things. Let me know if you have any questions along these lines -- I've already made the mistakes so you don't have to *Smile*

Okay, so what's going on with all the paragraphs? I think you win the prize for novels with the most paragraphs. I don't know if this is the result of transcribing the text from elsewhere, and you just didn't feel the need to squish together what needed squishing, or whether you intended the format, as it is, from the beginning.

If it's a matter of the latter, I don't like the style. While being easy as hell to read, and it looks good on the page, I found myself (more often than I liked) getting lost as to who was speaking, and to whom exactly, the narrative applied in certain circumstances.

You have three different narratives happening simultaneously. You have the narrative that describes what the characters themselves are doing. You have the narrative that describes how the characters are thinking and how they're speaking, plus you have a third narrative which is you, the author, telling us what is happening from the "omniscient" POV, as it's called. Where the author is kind of a third character who we never see or interact with. And who knows all and sees all *Smile* Sort of like I am in real life.

None of this ought to be a problem as long as we don't lose the reader in the process. Either their ability to follow along, or worse, their attention span. I found myself being jarred, shaken back and forth among all the paragraphs, losing track somewhat, as to whether the author was describing, or a character was thinking. For example, there are scenes where a given character does something, even thinks something, then -- presumably for no other reason than aesthetic -- readers are diverted to a new paragraph simply because that character opens their mouth and says something. I've not seen this style of writing before and, like I said, found it disconcerting.

The last thing we want to do (listen to me, like I'm your personal guru) *Smile* is confuse readers in the midst of what is an extremely narrative heavy writing style. I like the style because I use it myself. Lots of descriptions and so forth. But I remember, also, that I had to very careful to keep my readers appraised of what things applied only to specific characters, and what observations were solely the author's separate input, only indirectly, or incidentally related to individual characters themselves.

Well, I hope some of this makes sense. For me, it's a fairly big deal. For others, maybe not so much. I think it's more than just a subjective thing on my part, however. I think we need to not only keep the dialogue as our central focus of any story, but keep it "glued" both to the speaker, and the narrative that surrounds him or her.

Let me know if this made any sense. Otherwise, it's been my pleasure to speak with someone who's at the top of their game (almost) *Smile* and exchange some ideas about the "science" of writing. Keep up the good work and catch a big, fat salmon for me.
Bob


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172
172
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, I took a look at the Prologue to this story and read it first. Then I came here to see how the Prologue plays into the first chapter. And I found a free verse poem staring back at me. Not a problem, in the sense that its all easily and quickly fixed, but you're treating writing as if it were an art sculpture, where there are no restrictions, compared to writing a story -- any story -- where there are nothing but restrictions. And guidelines. And rules of structure, so on and so forth.

So first and foremost, we need to move things around until you have either a poem, or a story -- which is it going to be? I assume you want a story, so let's proceed from there. In its current state, the work is almost impossible to review, not because the writing isn't any good, but because it's just too hard to read -- as a story.

I liked the Prologue and despite some structure problems there, too, it reads well enough and sets the stage from what's to come. My real concerns with the Prologue is that there's too much physical description of things that we don't care about, and not enough mention of the stuff we really do care about. You're missing the proverbial "smoking gun" laying on the couch next to the woman, blood on her dress, maybe in her hair, and the reader is left wondering, "Whoa, I wonder what this is all about."

That's likely not your story, but it needs to be, in terms of you taking the most dramatic element or circumstances that happen later on, and "plant" them right into the prologue where they belong. But only as hints.

As for the actual chapter itself, please do yourself a favor and put it all together so that it resembles a standard text and page style. Why, you may ask, is that so important? Why can't you write your story any way you want. The answer is that you can. The problem is that no one but you will read it. People who read books generally read a lot of books. They don't read books for how they look, but for what they say. Readers grow accustom to certain standards and format structures they're familiar with. They don't want to spend time trying to decipher your particular innovative style that deviates completely from what they're used to. That's just a harsh reality of literary life.

Still want to do it on your own, in your own way? Be our guest. I'd love to see you prove me wrong. But it's a fool's bet as they say, because the odds are stacked way in my favor. So why bother with the hassle? If the story is good, it doesn't need any extra help. Trust me. I had to learn that the hard way more than once.

To get you started, here's your first two paragraphs done up in standard style: (Minus the first line indent)

Kaelyn had just got out of her college English class when the snow started to drift faster to the earth. She stared in awe at the grayish-purple clouds that covered the sky; they were beautiful. The snow was just so amazing and pure.
Her short, curly red hair danced around her head as her hips dipped with a sexy gait she'd developed since moving to New Mexico. Albuquerque.

She pulled at her short, white, flirty skirt and black leggings as she walked. She wasn't usually one for shirts, but since moving here, she had grown more accustomed to them -- and more comfortable with her whole body. Not that she had much between the almost unbearable, dry heat of the summer, and her new friend Jazmin Bostick.

Pardon me, but if you look close at the punctuation and the addition of some new words I threw in (just for effect) you'll see, I think, how cool this story starts to look. Just like the real deal. That second paragraph is confusing, so you'll want to work on stuff like that, which really becomes evident when you rearrange things around. Messes with your head, but in writing, that's usually a good thing *Smile*

Let me know if this helps. And if you have any questions.
Bob


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173
173
Review of Caged Bird  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Tuesday. As you'll see, I took your poem and rearranged it, corrected some words, and added a few new ones of my own. So why did I do this? Well, it wasn't because I'm trying to show you a "right" way versus your original which was not a "wrong" way. Sometime we rearrange the furniture in our house just to see what it looks like. Just to get a "feel" for the different ways things can go together. Do you notice how differently your lovely poem reads now? I hope you find it interesting how these things can be changed and moved around. I think your poem reads much better now. But I would never say it's now perfect and doesn't need any more changes. Just the opposite. What you see here is the beginning, and not the end. Play with this, use a dictionary and make sure the words you use are just right for what you want to say.

I hope this is helpful for you, in turning your glasses upside down *Smile* Especially if they're bifocals. Poems are often like puzzle pieces and here's one combination that looks like it wants to work with the words you've chosen. Make a new puzzle and see if the picture, when it's done, is more like the one inside your head *Smile*

Let me know if this was useful. Thanks.
Bob

Far from the light,
Deep in the dark,
Pretty inside, but hidden from life.
Oh, what I'd give to fly
In the dark of night.

Hope never smelled so good,
Anger never tasted so sweet.
One day you'll feel defeat.
You cut my wing,
When all I wanted was a chance
To frolic in the sky,
To dance, to laugh, to cry, to go outside.
Yet all I do is sing for you,
Trapped by love and misery too.

It's a shame.
Nobody knows my name.
No one sees my face.

To walk with you,
Would crush me.
Why won't you let me be free?
Free from this cage of love.

You suffocate me,
You intimidate me.
I don't want you any more.
I don't want us anymore.

I just want to run.



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174
174
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Oh, my goodness, women as lambs, led to the slaughter, and if they escape, then watch out for who's now the tiger or tigress. That said, I certainly understand the metaphor as a man, but I suspect lots of women will reject the idea that they're essentially helpless little lambs.

Hi, Joyce, I'm left wondering what the real intended message is here. From whose POV are we truly seeing things? On the one claw, it comes across as a warning to men, that women are on to them. Or is it the man, the tiger, who both justifies his behavior and also realizes that sometimes it's better to tread lightly lest he rouse the beast within the lamb herself?

The space between the first part of the poem and the four lines at the bottom forces us to see some new emphasis, as if a scene change had taken place and possibly even a new POV from man to woman.

It may be that I'm too tired, or that a line or two is still missing. Or that or word or two needs changing that would remove all doubt as to who is who.

Ideally, the woman pretends to be lamblike, feigns vulnerability as part of the courting cycle, then reveals herself to be a tiger of equal stature as the man, who then himself, reverts to a lamblike state. That sounds like real life to me in the fast lane of modern relationships *Smile*

Be that as it may, nicely done, and another fine work that provokes a multitude of interpretations, all of them interesting. Me? I'd prefer a bit of a rewrite, but that's me. And I don't know if I'm the tiger here or the lamb. So I'm reluctant to commit myself one way or another *Smile*
Bob


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175
175
Review of Stygian Souls  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A different take on the "living dead" theme, perhaps. Sometimes the opposites are as applicable as the obvious, and I like this because it can be taken in at least two different ways. Taken literally, it's scary and captures the fear of someone surrounded by forces both super and natural -- someone who knows and understands they have a lot of company who shares their terror -- or someone who suddenly realizes they are indeed surrounded by less than friendly souls who are likely jealous of the life force of our main character.

If we allow our imaginations to expand a bit, we see an entirely different realm where everyday life becomes zoo-like, filled with seeming zombies who wander the world in the guise of otherwise normal people, but all or most of whom suffer from the torments of a technocracy, a cold inferno, indeed a Stygian conglomeration of self-created and self-imposed horrors.

And he or she is not alone in seeing the light, the truth, that civilization itself has become its own version of Dante's underworld, where a symbolic sun is setting against the backdrop of human frailties of despair and superstition.

Nice poem, so cheerful and uplifting *Smile* Seriously a nice work that I really like. Even if you didn't intend it, I love the double entendre meaning that comes through the piece.
Bob


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